| Does Friends first ever really work?
Posted: 2/25/2008 1:32:05 PM | I have a very good married friend that I have known for years. She has been married for almost 30 yrs. to a man who see considers her best friend. They haven't had sex in years. The kicker?! The man that she has always had passion for and an attraction to is a man that she knew before she met her husband. This is the man that she gets together with many times a year for all the ingredients that is misssing in her marriage. Plus! He is also a very close confident of hers and they share an intimacy and emotional bond that over 30 years has not broken. Why doesn't she leave her husband for this man? Because she is "best friends" with her husband and doesn't want to hurt him. The man that she has the affair with? He has many times tried to tell her it's too hard on him to share her. But, over the years, and many passionate discussions on this, he has resigned himself to this. Because loves her. Of note: She literally blossoms when she has been with him and/or is anticipating being with him.
Friends and lovers!...I would take the passion anyday. | |
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| Does Friends first ever really work?
Posted: 2/25/2008 2:18:44 PM | Friends first would work for me, how can i guarentee i will stay with them if i test drive them and don't know them, better to know them first and then
If theres a spark, START A FIRE 
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| Does Friends first ever really work?
Posted: 2/25/2008 2:53:15 PM | I believe you have to be friends first, yes you have to get to know people. Heck make plenty of female friends. Not for getting a woman really but to really enjoy female's company. But if you two go out the woman shouldn't expect you to pay for the meals, tickets, etc. The woman should pay her share since they are just friends. Just treat her hanging with one of the guys sort of.
Women shouldn't call guys cheap because a guy doesn't want to pay for most of the meals, tickets for the movies, etc. Otherwise it's called using friends, because you are benefiting more than he is. Don't expect him to be a gentleman either, not saying he shouldn't but don't complain if he's so gentlemanly.
Friendship first is way to go but it's not guarantee for a relationship. Love finds you you don't find it usually otherwise what's the point? You want things unexpected, life would be boring if everything we want just happened because we tried enough. | |
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| Does Friends first ever really work?
Posted: 2/25/2008 3:12:12 PM | for me, wanting to be "friends first" means that we share interests and attitudes in common, that we enjoy just hanging out together, just for the fun of being near each other - then the dating thing happens because we have underlying physical attraction toward one another
it's a mutual thing, not one person doing All the giving or doing whatever the other person wants all the time -that's not real friendship, even without the dating prospect, imo... | |
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| Does Friends first ever really work?
Posted: 2/25/2008 5:55:13 PM | Attraction = interest=intense desire to know all about that person=dating, romance, fun, passion, respect, sharing ups and downs, and getting to know that person which includes a start on exploring each other sexually. This is called man and woman interaction for possible LTR and/or marriage. This could be the basis of emotional attachment and deepest intimacy. Very good friends can come out of this if they are mature enough.
This may take a few weeks or a few months depending on the persons.
Meeting at work or play = friendliness = talking and laughing = friendliness = "I like you"
Now the road can split. Just keep on being friendly until you are friends and that is it. Or...you can develop an attraction that was delayed. This can happen, too. Especially when one or the other has had some trust issues that hangs up their normal "Vacancy" signals or if one or the other still has leftover feelings for someone else. Then the understanding "friendly person" can be quite influential by being there.
Apparently, the delayed reaction attraction vibe is quite common between men and women who start up an affair after they have been married friends for quite awhile. As in couples who get together quite often socially. Interesting.
So, it is not perfect. Either way. It's what works for you that matters.
As long as it's good! | |
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| Does Friends first ever really work?
Posted: 2/25/2008 6:05:35 PM | | You know the only people I know who have made this work are those who met as kids and were friends for years (when sex was not an issue) and then became lovers later. Otherwise, it's attraction first, and a friendship grows out of that. The friends first thing has never worked for me personally, I have a hard time thinking of a friend in a sexual way once the friend label is there...I want an attraction first and a friendship to grow from that. | |
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| Does Friends first ever really work?
Posted: 2/26/2008 12:19:05 AM | | well i made the mistake of trying this and i lost a friend of 10 years it was a mutual thing ,we both backed of mutualy and pretty much never spoke after dont know if it was fear or what . I just know i lost a very good friend cause we were both willing to take the risk . | |
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custis
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Joined: 3/16/2005
Msg: 183 | |
| Does Friends first ever really work?
Posted: 2/26/2008 12:36:45 AM | | I think that no matter how much people talk about "friends first," when two people meet and really hit it off, the chances are very good that they are going to be rubbing bellies together naked within two or three days. Maybe less. That is not necessarily my opinion of how it should be, it is just the way it is the vast majority of times with the vast majority of people. Chemistry is chemistry and it will not be denied. | |
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| Does Friends first ever really work?
Posted: 2/26/2008 5:51:22 AM | Ok, Friend first or FRIENDLY First?
Being a friend is very different from what you described as following her around and doing lots of stuff.
I do not take the word friend lightly. Friends are met not made but a friendship ( which is a relationship with a friend ) is something that needs to be fed and watered ( nurtured) there is no tit for tat in any kind of relationship if so it is a business transaction and not a relationship . ( of course this is my view and opinion but since I am the center of my world I say it with great authority ).
pj | |
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| Does Friends first ever really work?
Posted: 2/26/2008 6:23:56 AM | I would think that friends first would work. It seems like it would be a natural transition from friendship to a more special relationship.
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| Does Friends first ever really work?
Posted: 2/26/2008 8:00:17 AM | I've got a two-part response to your thought-provoking question, Mike. No, friends first won't work if the person suggesting it is just trying to"nice" their way around the real issue at hand and delay the inevitable truth that they aren't interested. For the friends arrangement to work, both parties have to want to get to know each other and explore common interests before deciding to invest themselves physically. It can't just be a waiting game where one person is constantly thinking "How many more of these pretend dates do I have to go on before I get some?" lol
But it can work! I'm in that exact situation with another pof member. Due to distance, schedules, and his two kids we didn't want to run at it both guns blazing until we'd gotten a better feel for each other, what we were looking for, and whether or not we were a fit in each other's life. There was never any question the attraction was there, though. We're still deciding what happens next and to our families and other friends, we're friends with the option of being more, but it's allowed our communication to be wide open and taken a lot of the usual pressures both societal and sexual off our backs while we figure it out.
Best of luck to you all and hope you reel in a keeper! | |
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| Does Friends first ever really work?
Posted: 2/26/2008 8:06:37 AM | It would depend on how open a person is to that relationship. Sometimes people are not into that kind of thing. Both people have to like each other not just in an aqaintance type of way.
Now, the type of friendship you are talking about can work. From what I have heard, some of the best marriages occur from friendships. I think that it can work in both ways-- where two people are best friends or where they are "crazy about each other". The key is to know how into you the other one is so that you don't get so serious when they may not ever be. That's with anything--always some things you have to think about. | |
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| Does Friends first ever really work?
Posted: 2/26/2008 8:12:21 AM | It is what it should be a quick or long friendship.You should know what you need in the first 8 min or maybe 3 months it depends but beable to let go right away if it is just about the sex or maybe the way she makes sauce.you have to have insite right away trust your inner self then you are true..Friends to lovers to marriage remember intimacy is a bonus if its really a great great friend and real friends take tears to know each other.so in 90 days you should know if she is the one or move on..LV ocg | |
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| Does Friends first ever really work?
Posted: 2/26/2008 8:14:35 AM | God women are not cars ..You seem like real man treat them like a lady find the right words to answer what you need go out for a while with out the intimacy and see if its strong and again the sex is a bonus to marriage if she is a friend and partner first not a car. | |
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| Does Friends first ever really work?
Posted: 2/26/2008 8:16:29 AM | | To me your right on and it goes to show again all the physical is a bonus if your true to each other and have a partner a true life friend on the front porch rocking chair kinda of relationship!! LV ocg | |
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| Does Friends first ever really work?
Posted: 2/26/2008 8:40:44 AM |
You know the only people I know who have made this work are those who met as kids and were friends for years (when sex was not an issue) and then became lovers later. Otherwise, it's attraction first, and a friendship grows out of that. The friends first thing has never worked for me personally, I have a hard time thinking of a friend in a sexual way once the friend label is there...I want an attraction first and a friendship to grow from that.
I agree, that makes the most sense. I meet someone, there's attraction on my end AND his, and then from there we get to know each other as new friends while building a nice sexual tension. If we can't be more than lovers, then we decide whether or not it's worth moving forward, but firsthand knowledge is better for me...
I don't believe jumping into bed based on pure attraction is a good idea. I'd rather find out if there's more to it before I do that then find out there is nothing else after I've done it. | |
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| Does Friends first ever really work?
Posted: 2/26/2008 12:05:03 PM | | It works if she says that your friendship is exclusive and will grow with trust and understanding. Past experience has taught that only the women able can utter these words are worth the time and emotional investment. I would liken it to going steady in a more traditional, safe sense. Still, you also have be prepared to let it go if this drags on too long. Some people want the comfort of companionship, but fear the vulnerability of physical and emotional intimacy. | |
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| Does Friends first ever really work?
Posted: 2/26/2008 3:42:27 PM | "If you are looking for a romantic relationship, your intentions should be clear as soon as you know them. If you don't find your one step forward is matched by one taken toward you, then you should drop the idea and look elsewhere."
"It used to be considered the height of Romance that a man should pursue a woman gallantly even if she repeatedly rebuffed him. Today, this is received as either a frightening or a foolish thing for him to do, but nothing else.
One should establish where and when something ends and something of a different nature begins, otherwise confusion and misundestandings become certain: just old style wisdom."
"It sounds more like you gambled, invested a lot of yourself into someone who was clearly not feeling romantic toward you, and in the end you lost everything. I'm sure many of us can relate to the heartache after something like this occurs. Just don't fall into the trap of not taking responsibility for your own actions by focusing too much on what the other person did."
Thank you for those who wrote those words..I have encouter a man who talks about friendship with out romance and I believe that was all crap! I am happy to walk away from it! GOD BLESS YOU ALL!
BLUEXXXX
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jco415
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Joined: 12/1/2007
Msg: 194 | |
| Does Friends first ever really work?
Posted: 2/26/2008 5:42:53 PM | I say I want to start out as friends because too many women these days want to hop in the sack on day one, move in on day two and start looking for wedding rings on day three! It's a way of backing them off so I can get to know them....I don't sleep with them before deciding if there might be potential either though.
I want to see how they handle different situations first, being FRIENDS is a sneaky way to have a level of comfort in a relationship that you usually only reach once your married unfortunately. I'm ME from day one, but too many women try to be something/someone they're not at first....they are less extreme with this if you're just friends.
I wish it didn't have to be this way, but it is in many cases. | |
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| Does Friends first ever really work?
Posted: 2/27/2008 3:42:57 PM | Well, here is my story for what its worth. My ex and did the friends first relationship. During our marriage, it saved us a bunch of times. Now that we have decided that we can't be married, the friendship is still there. It, for me anyway, has made the dark journey of divorce a little more bearable.
BTW, we were married for 21 years, so it was a successful relationship, by the worlds standards. | |
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jco415
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Joined: 12/1/2007
Msg: 197 | |
| Does Friends first ever really work?
Posted: 2/27/2008 8:55:13 PM | Loz Hunter...I didn't say EVERY...I said TOO many! I seem to attract the "rescue me" type....I keep changing my profile to lessen that...I've yet to see if it's working....I'm just plain hesitant to meet now! I think they see that I was married for 18 years then right into a 3.5 year relationship and figure that I'm an easy target.....trust me when I say that these have not been the types of women I would want to be seen out with, if I hadn't of fallen for the "oh by the way my picture is five years old" trap! ....I'm not all that....you have to take it in perspective! and not jump to conclusions! | |
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| Does Friends first ever really work?
Posted: 2/27/2008 8:58:21 PM | | I agree it is very hard to go from friends to lovers sometimes. I have one friend that she and I were friends and tried to date and it did not work. So I went back to the friendship. That was worth more to me anyways. | |
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| Does Friends first ever really work?
Posted: 2/27/2008 9:21:31 PM | I think if you are truly just friends first before even contemplating dating it can work out, but if you get that" lets be friends first" line....don't believe it...it means they're just not into you or they just holding you around as a backup.
If someone was looking for a relationship, they wouldnt be saying, lets be friends .
Can a true pre-existing friendship turn into something more later....maybe, but it would have to be a natural transition, not some planned , "test drive" thing.
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| Does Friends first ever really work?
Posted: 2/27/2008 9:38:58 PM | | the tri-state area(at least to my experience-MAYBE i can't speak for everybody)is saturated with every type of user-so you get to be user-resistant,die, or move to a state that has ethical and moral hygeine--after being here awhile (and being badly used by a couple of one-way "friends")-i figured out this formula-:if there's instant chemistry("click") so be it--if you like a woman(or guy) and they want to be just "friends"-then they and you both have to remember that it still takes two to have even a sexless friendship-if she(or he) just takes your support and help,and there's never any give-take,and doesn't support and help you back the way a normal friend would, you're being played. if the "friend" is truly a friend in a give and take support/help relationship then you both are in a win-win situation in any event, and if you happen to find someone while they refuse to put it in gear as a friend they'll just have to understand that,too | |
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