| Does Friends first ever really work?
Posted: 2/27/2008 11:15:34 PM | wallflower1 said:
Merrylass...
I guess you thought it was lust and sex right away when I said "Then the friendship begins if it's good. Especially when the mix of attraction, passion and emotions have already been put in the vegetable pot."
Funny how people do assumptions like this. Especially throwing in a comment about trading juices with an abusing, controlling jerk as the cherry of your comment. OUCH!
Please read my contributions again...and this time read it and know that sex wasn't part of the equation.
Then she said:
Attraction = interest=intense desire to know all about that person=dating, romance, fun, passion, respect, sharing ups and downs, and getting to know that person which includes a start on exploring each other sexually. This is called man and woman interaction for possible LTR and/or marriage. This could be the basis of emotional attachment and deepest intimacy.
***Very good friends can come out of this if they are mature enough*** (my emph)
That last line of yours is my point, wallflower1. It isn't necessarily that 'lust and sex' come first but rather that leaving friendship to the end and 'maybe' developing it sounds like a recipe for disaster. People need to be very good friends as well - if they are not mature enough to manage friendship, then I doubt they are mature enough to manage a relationship. | |
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| Does Friends first ever really work?
Posted: 2/28/2008 1:41:56 AM | In my modest years of experience a "friends first" relationship will far outlast a
"sex first" relationship. A "friends first" relationship embraces the more important components for long-lasting relationships..........like the sincere appreciation for each other's company, respect, genuine concern for each others well-being and success, honesty and trust.  | |
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| Does Friends first ever really work?
Posted: 2/29/2008 5:05:19 PM | Dear Marc:
Life is about how you feel at the moment and I got to the point where I was in the mood and because my instincts told me no, I listened There are a lot of beautiful people out there and I, just like some people get into the mood and maybe lost a good person do to the too early to go attitude, plus I also know that the thinking without our brain is also a deturrant to the true person unless they are like me honest Abe/lina!
Meanwhile have fun necking like the old days! :) :) I know your going what old days???
M | |
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| Does Friends first ever really work?
Posted: 2/29/2008 8:07:15 PM | I got to about page three before I gave up on reading the posts. But for me the "friends first" has only worked once. Which stinks because I prefer that to happen because I like to make love not just have sex. I want to have feelings for the person I don't want to wam bam thank you mam ya know.
But I just gotten over about the same situation I feel deeply in love with a really great friend we chatted all the time, text, and called each other there wasn't a day without each other. But all that ended around Christmas time last year. Why because she wasn't going to date me because I was her second if not third choice. I'm happy for her I miss her dearly but I'm glad I've had the closure because I needed it. If it hadn't have happened for me like that who knows what kind of shape I'd be in right now.
But best of luck to you, I hope you find a good friend that becomes a great lover I know I wish I had one. | |
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| Does Friends first ever really work?
Posted: 2/29/2008 9:11:44 PM | Everybody likes a different approach to the dating game....that's life in a fish bowl 
Personally, I won't do it any other way...I'd rather be friends first to see how the man and I will "gel" together...if we have things in common and it would be a great way to see how well two people can deal with compromise.
AND a true friend doesn't abuse the friendship...cause then....is that really being a friend?
Think about it. | |
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| Does Friends first ever really work?
Posted: 2/29/2008 9:18:41 PM | I beleive it does,
How can you be lovers if you cant be friends, the good thing about being friends is its like a trial and error period then you weigh up all the pro's and cons' and if the emtional and mental stimulation is provided be my guest and take a risk and go for it. | |
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| Does Friends first ever really work?
Posted: 2/29/2008 9:34:55 PM | | It hasn't worked for me. I guess I am just too good of a friend because my friends NEVER have the same feelings for me that I have for them. I don't jump into sex with people, but I find unless things start out on a semi-dating level, I am usually out of luck. | |
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| Does Friends first ever really work?
Posted: 2/29/2008 11:50:50 PM | Well, my dear -- a couple of things.
First off, if a guy is hanging around and 'doing stuff' for a woman in hopes that she'll fall for him, you're right -- that's an unequal balance. She's likely to feel like it's 'puppy love' and may just take advantage of it (most mature women won't, but some user types will). If a guy started following me around and doing stuff for me, I would immediately know if I was attracted to him -- if I were, he'd know it pretty damn quickly. If I weren't, I'd tell him. I can't imagine letting a man follow me around and shower me with attention unless it was reciprocal.
But please note -- men do the same thing, only with a sexual twist. Men are often very happy to have women 'do stuff' for them and follow them around like puppy dogs and never have any feelings for them. Whereas women tend to believe that engaging in a sexual relationship equals emotional commitment, men are generally not wired the same way. So the guy thinks he has a swell f*ck buddy and the woman thinks she has a boyfriend.
Is there really a difference? No. Again, it's an unequal power balance. You gotta be upfront with how you feel, or you'll get burned.
Finally, when you really ARE friends with someone and it grows into a passionate relationship, it CAN work out wonderfully -- in fact, it can be the best kind of relationship. But it has to be mutual, with neither side using the other. | |
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| Does Friends first ever really work?
Posted: 3/1/2008 9:43:07 AM | I wonder if the friends first thing is a safety net for the person so they don't feel bad about ending the relationship.
I want a lover who could also be a best friend, not a best friend who might become a lover. Might, maybe, and someday just doesn't cut it with me. Sadly so many guys fall for this line of crap and the only benefactor is the woman.
That about sums it up. I've never in my life been able to convert a friend into a girlfriend. (I'm talking about offline)
But I can honestly say, in the long term relationships I've been in, in all cases we became best friends during the relationship. On the other hand, I have not maintained contact with any former relationships after the relationship ended as I think that complicates matters when moving forward.
I think using a dating site to find friends is a bit of a mistake. | |
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| Does Friends first ever really work?
Posted: 3/2/2008 1:46:46 AM | The friendship aspect has to be on a mature level as well. To be a friend you have to accept that the person may not be the one for you, and even if it does develop into something more than friendship there's always the chance that you won't stay a couple. And you've got to be willing to allow them to explore other avenues and possibly wind up with someone else. And if that happens, you've got to be able to muster up the courage to suck up the tears and support them in their decisions. Whether you start out as friends or the friendship develops later on in the relationship, a true friend, or someone who truly loves someone wants what's best for them, even if it's not you.
True love isn't jealous or envious. True love is unconditonal. And it's a rare find.
Most of us start out with what we used to call "puppy love"  and that's where a lot of people make the mistakes. They think they're in love with someone just because they have that warm fuzzy feeling. That feeling is really just hormones and chemicals that are natures way of getting people together for the purpose of reproduction. It's just basic raw instinct and has nothing to do with love. Anyone can have sex and enjoy it for the time being, but if you're looking for a long lasting relationship, it's going to take more than just letting nature take it's course.
Let nature take it's course on your lawn and see what happens. | |
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| Does Friends first ever really work?
Posted: 3/2/2008 5:28:37 AM | I think the best relationships start with with those who are already friends but being "friends first" never works.
I think this is because someone who is already a friend of yours probably has similar interests and is likely to be compatible. Trying to be friends with a potential girlfriend that you aren't already friends with is probably just a nice way to turn you down while. If that's not true then being friends with her likely to result in you missing the unspoken window of opportunity. She might actually put you in the friends category, which isn't what you really want. | |
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| Does Friends first ever really work?
Posted: 3/2/2008 6:10:44 AM | The difference between men & women and being friends first is (I know I'm about to generalize big time)...
Lets say a guy is at a party, a girl walks in, he looks up and thinks nothing of her. He gets to know her over time because of mutual friends, he finds out she is really cool and they become friends, he will NEVER fall in love with her because that instant attraction wasn't there. .......... Lets say a girl is at a party, a guy walks in, she looks up and thinks nothing of him. She gets to know him over time because of mutual friends, she finds out he is really cool and they become friends, she WILL fall in love with him because of his personality, his charm, wit, intelligence - because of all that - attraction has grown. .......... With that being said, you men have it much easier than we women do, women can be worn down if your are persistent and are genuine in your friendship.
someone posted this reply to you. I copied it and wanted to comment on it. She who wrote this reply is totally true. I have been in this exact situation before. We started off as friends and nothing more. Over time the attraction started, but he was never sure if he wanted more then friends. This was very frustrating because he always wanted me around him. He would call me , IM me , text me asking to see me. but this became annoying to me as he would never cross that friend line. But once I put my foot down and started going out with other guys, boy look out then did he ever show a side that was never there. He became upset but I just had to say to him you only wanted friends right.
So yes when it comes to woman and "friends first" it always ends up in some type of attraction.   | |
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| Does Friends first ever really work?
Posted: 3/2/2008 7:03:26 AM |
because that instant attraction wasn't there. ..
No, it's because they mistakenly believe that if your lust doesn't fire in the first few seconds, it never will. It's not true but people who insist on believing that lust is the only indicator that a person is worth being in a relationship with can't be persuaded otherwise.
I think it's critical to find out whether you're with one of the sorts that think that immediate lust = love. Personally, I don't think it's a very mature approach to love and that would be a red flag to me. | |
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| Does Friends first ever really work?
Posted: 3/2/2008 11:51:33 AM | Merrylass:
Have you ever met someone and you just know that you both are going to be great friends? I am talking girlfriends. There is that mutual connection/attraction of empathies. It's NOT generated by lust.
We can do the same for meeting a man. There is just something about that man that I connect to. Instant attraction. There is just something about him that makes me want to know him more. Not just as a friend....more than that. I want to know his thoughts, what he does, his dreams, his stories, know what's in his heart, wonder what his kiss would be like, what his touch on my hand would feel like...and on and on....
It's that rare thing called chemistry. It is magic. And....it does not always make me want to fall into bed with him right away, so it's not lust generated.
Besides, I have discovered each to their own. That is the uniqueness of the human race. We are all different, but so much the same in that we want to have love. How we get it and keep it is our own style. | |
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| Does Friends first ever really work?
Posted: 3/2/2008 6:11:24 PM | You read enough of these posts and posts on similar forums and you realize that the definition of 'chemistry' differs from person to person. Most of the male posters I've seen are not talking about anything other than physical attraction when they mention 'instant attraction.' If you're talking about your version of attraction, all the more reason it doesn't need to be 'instant'. I have had some long-term friends that I didn't have any sort of 'instant' feeling about and other people I did have an immediate liking to that have since fallen out of my life.
Again, the belief in the power of a moment's impression is a little unrealistic, IMHO.
Tell me, wallflower1, how many of these relationships that began with 'instant attraction' panned out long-term. Have you had any long-term relationships that did not start with this 'magical' attraction? If you answer 'all' to the first question and 'none' to the second, then you're an anomaly. | |
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| Does Friends first ever really work?
Posted: 3/2/2008 6:41:46 PM | I think that friends first can work .... however it can also cause confusion and pain ... I think the best thing to do in this matter is TELL the person how you feel when you feel it avoiding the confusion but unfortunately in some cases it might be bringing on the pain ... IT is a hard thing to do because you don't what to lose the friendship but they may feel the same way you never know ... IF the friendship was strong then you will continue to be friends IF NOT then at least you can move on without keeping it boiling up inside.
Ax | |
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| Does Friends first ever really work?
Posted: 3/2/2008 6:50:10 PM | Well there are some very interesting answers posted here. For myself even if there is that 'ole Magic going on I''d like a chance to get to know the person for awhile to make sure there can be a friendship in either a relationship or sex or both. I've had sex plenty of times in my life that was great but the person was not someone I could be friends with. I had all the fun of sex but what came with it was the knowledge that they just didn't care about me personally. That sucks!
So whether it is a bootie call or true love I don't want it if it isn't at least User Friendly. If I end up emotionally involved I want it to be with someone who becomes my best friend. Anything else for me is just too dreary to contemplate. If I have sex I sure want it to be friendly otherwise, Been there/Done that.
How do you know when that time has come, well honest communication would be the ideal way but my dears it seems as if it is mostly a crap shoot for sure. In the meantime I'll just keep trying to be true to myself and keep my "Spidey" senses tingling. | |
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| Does Friends first ever really work?
Posted: 3/2/2008 9:14:29 PM | Merrylass..
My husband was one of those attractions. He proposed to me one month later and we were married for 20 yrs.
My next attraction like that came on the heels of my separation. We lasted over 8 years. We still have that flame between us to this day. Our personalities are too headstrong.
I was lucky enough to have that again three years ago. But, I didn't go with it as there were other things in the way that I didn't want to deal with.
In between I have had many men interested in me, have had many dates (meets and greets) and most of them are just friendly. Most never got to the "Friends" stage because...why? There are a few that I kept as friends because we both recognized that we could be friendly as acquaintances and chat friends.
The desire to know more about them? Nah....
What I have said still stays. The attraction factor is essential. That is the gas that drives each other to get to know all about the other other. To explore the possibilities of a relationship. To find out if you can be good for each other. It also ignites passion and emotion. The two things that can make or break a relationship.
A man just 2 days ago told me that he has wonderful women friends that he knows would like to move him onto better things (him being their SO) but, he said he wants the magic. I asked what is the magic? He said Life! Passion! Heartbeat! Emotion! Being knocked at the knees! He said that none of these women has ever had an arguement with him. They are all nice, fun with wonderful smiles and giving in bed. I asked him if it was like that english pudding called blanc mange. He said Yes!
So, however it works with you. Go with it. I still stay with my gas. | |
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| Does Friends first ever really work?
Posted: 3/2/2008 9:26:35 PM | yeah, what perfectwench said:
whether it is a bootie call or true love I don't want it if it isn't at least User Friendly. If I end up emotionally involved I want it to be with someone who becomes my best friend. | |
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| Does Friends first ever really work?
Posted: 3/2/2008 9:38:44 PM | If there isn't a strong physical attraction for you One should just give it up. a woman decides in the first 20 minutes or less If you are going to get to homeplate. If so she will let you know that at some point on the first date.
If all I wanted was a friend I would buy a dog. And I would not be on this website.
It is funny never approach sex in a profile but on these forums it is a hot topic. | |
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| Does Friends first ever really work?
Posted: 3/2/2008 9:46:55 PM | don't sell wench friends short. the captain's had wench friends, some he never had sex with, who spotted wenches checking out the captain and followed them into the bathroom to chat them up and arrange introductions. never had a dog do that but would be interested in finding one that did.
If all I wanted was a friend I would buy a dog. | |
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| Does Friends first ever really work?
Posted: 3/2/2008 10:00:17 PM | Hi "Dayzyflame":
I have a theory about friends first!
You mean hypothesis. A theory is a concept tested and proven through research and the like as an approximation of reality or a guideline for successful action. A hypothesis is a exposition of a thesis which is potentially a theory if it withstands proper scrutiny. I could go into more detail on those but suffice to say, what you are doing here is presenting a hypothesis. (Okay, turning professor mode" off now.)
The difference between men & women and being friends first is (I know I'm about to generalize big time)...
Thanks for the disclaimer up front...seriously. (We all to some extent generalize so as long as you recognize that at the outset, all is well.)
Lets say a guy is at a party, a girl walks in, he looks up and thinks nothing of her. He gets to know her over time because of mutual friends, he finds out she is really cool and they become friends, he will NEVER fall in love with her because that instant attraction wasn't there. ..........
I am not sure I agree with this...at least not in my own case. (I know, I know, you said you were generalizing.) I would say that if everything stays the same then your observation is correct. However, if the girl in some way or another improves herself personality-wise, physically, or whatever, then she could alter the guy's perception of her and perhaps cause him to reassess his original view of her in that way.
Lets say a girl is at a party, a guy walks in, she looks up and thinks nothing of him. She gets to know him over time because of mutual friends, she finds out he is really cool and they become friends, she WILL fall in love with him because of his personality, his charm, wit, intelligence - because of all that - attraction has grown. ..........
Yes, if her view of him is positive or neutral initially, this could well happen as you say.
With that being said, you men have it much easier than we women do, women can be worn down if your are persistent and are genuine in your friendship.
Well now, you ladies have more power than you think. Put your focus on improving yourselves in all areas and it will be noticed. Certainly physical improvements are advisable to the extent this is reasonably feasible but the most important area is intelligence and personality. Looks can fade over time but our personalities and intelligence is the essence of who we are -and as people get older they appreciate those aspects of a person more or at least they should.
On balance, nice hypothesis I must say  | |
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| Does Friends first ever really work?
Posted: 3/2/2008 10:19:55 PM | Seems to me you need to define what "friends first" means with another person.
I have seen some people that say friends first, and what it really means is that I am not gonna have sex with you until I know you, and am sure you won't stomp on my heart.
For others it is lets get to know each other, because in the get there isn't a real spark, but AS STATED BY ANOTHER WOMAN, a mans personality, charm, etc etc can grow on a woman...
However I have found that if a man says he is NOT into you romantically then that is what he feels and probably isn't going to change his mind.
He would need to be given a reason to change his mind as I noted earlier on this thread. That would mean that the woman would have to change something about herself to make her more attractive to him and I do not necessarily refer to looks here.
There is an undeniable sexiness to the quality of always seeking to broaden one's horizons and develop as a person. I say this from personal experience as well as observing others. Similarly, there is an corresponding unattractiveness of someone who settles or somehow regresses as a person. The latter creates predictability and the former presents the possibility of variety or otherwise retaining someone's interest.
I have also found, speaking from a womans point of view, that there are a good number of men at my age that have NO INTEREST in being actual friends with a woman. It is either supposed to lead some where, or they just are not interested in me as a person.
That is their loss. There is something different about having women as friends compared to having men as friends for a man...it provides for a different way of looking at things. | |
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