| Why do most guys want a woman who needs them?
Posted: 2/21/2008 10:14:26 PM | That makes perfect sense to me!
Erich Fromm said "Immature love says: 'I love you because I need you.' Mature love says 'I need you because I love you.' "
Exactly!
I'm glad I made sense to some people.
I don't think there is any shame in wanting someone to need you.
There is a HUGE difference between "needing someone" in order to have SOMEONE and "needing someone" because they love you.
Want implies that it's nice to have you around. Need implies necessary component. I think that part of love is need-- that's why it is so ****ing hard when a long term relationship breaks up. You've passed beyond "want" ... you're no longer in the "it'd be nice if he/she were around" stage. You're in the "I feel more complete because you're here" phase.... they're not "necessary" in the sense that you'll cease to exist without them--- but you'll certainly mourn the loss of the relationship.
It's hard to go into detail without sounding like a nutter.. I don't overly care about that though.... but maybe I'll give it another go when it's not 1 am.... | |
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| Why do most guys want a woman who needs them?
Posted: 2/21/2008 11:20:20 PM | There's a difference between being needy and needing someone because you want to feel the emotional and physical connection with that person. I consider myself self-sufficient when it comes to successfully providing a comfortable life for myself. I've been out of a relationship quite a while now and have adapted well to living the single life... again.
However, although I'm happy and content with my life style and not desperate to change it, I miss the incredible feeling of being inlove and feeling the ecstasy of mutual chemistry. I like who I am when I have that special person and I miss the "couple" life. When the "need" is mutual and equally balanced it's not considered being "needy". It's a comfortable feeling to be wanted and needed and returning the need and want - a give and take relationship.
I don't think guys want a needy ie> clingy, insecure woman but I do think they want to be needed and wanted in a healthy way and vice versa. | |
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| Why do most guys want a woman who needs them?
Posted: 2/22/2008 1:04:18 AM | | I have seen and heard a lot of different things on this subject.most guys that like a needy woman are controlling and somewhat insecure buT I was reading. From a mans point oF view.that men don't like needy Women.it depends on each indivual to all you woman I say don't be needy have respect for yourself be independent yOu don't need to be needy so a man.will want you. You will only be obligated. | |
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| Why do most guys want a woman who needs them?
Posted: 2/22/2008 1:40:22 AM | Well, I say, to hell with what everyone else wants and/or expects. I say that it is a healthy person who is strong enough to stand alone. Whether they are a man or a woman.
If we, as individuals concentrate on being our best self and striving to learn and grow always, the rest takes care of itself.
There are some valid points, here. If a man LIKES a needy woman, he has control issues.
If a woman is needy and falls apart without a man in her life, she has some maturing to do.
The healthy, happy adult can stand alone yet can feel just as happy with a mate. | |
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| Why do most guys want a woman who needs them?
Posted: 2/22/2008 6:23:17 AM |
As for myself, I DON'T need a guy to support me, or do the 'basics' around my house. This has bothered a couple of guys I have dated in the past; in fact, one guy actually told me that it didn't make him feel good that I didn't really need him - however, he did have low self-esteem & a big ego!
I have a farm, and I have some chores that have to be done every day, even when I'm seeing someone. I usually try not to have the chores interfer with a date, but they can't be avoided on the all-day or overnight kind of date. I've got to take a half hour and do the necessary things. More than one man seemed to get annoyed that I didn't ask them to help with the work. I do this stuff all day, every day by myself and it doesn't occur to me to ask my guests to help; their nice clothes and white sneakers don't go well with farm work (I have boots and coveralls).
The same guys who seemed in the beginning to admire me for running a farm by myself seemed to resent me for it later. One guy just got quieter and quieter...when we broke up, he made little jabs about cloning myself, since I didn't need anyone. One guy protested so much that I had to give him feed to throw to the chickens so I could get my chores done (I used to do that to keep the kids out of the way when they were little).  | |
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| Why do most guys want a woman who needs them?
Posted: 2/22/2008 7:11:22 AM | Need, for me, is something necessary to my survival and well-being.. and it's very important that I know I can provide these things for myself... because I've HAD to in the past. When I became a widow, all of a sudden I was in the position of having to rely on myself.
Having to be self-reliant in my life I have found a lot of self-esteem and personal validation in my independance. I'm not afraid to tackle things that need to be taken care of and I know I will be okay, no matter what. This feeling is something I value deeply. Maybe it's pride, but by golly I earned it. It's a part of my self-worth..now, when a man expects me (and yes it has happened) to drop that self-reliance and let him take care of things I feel insulted... I feel like he is trying (not consciously maybe) to take away my competence somehow. That he sees me as less competent than I am. I don't like that. I want to be appreciated for my competence.
I think this experience is one many modern women have had.. no matter HOW they got there. So, No, I don't "need" another person to survive, or even to have a fulfilling life.
Want is a completely different thing... and I think it is a much higher thing to offer someone... "I desire you, as you are, for WHO you are", means so much more to me than "I need you". This goes for someone who offers this to me also... I interpret it as... "I am not with you because I can't live without you, but because I CHOOSE to be here..I CHOOSE to be with you". Somehow that is much more meaningful to me.
I guess when it comes right down to it I don't want (or need) to be another's source of self-esteem... it's too much responsibility...and I wouldn't expect that from another either.
It's been my experience that men who have fulfilling lives, interesting work, hobbies and interests...especially if they are involved in community or altruistic pursuits have less of a need to NEED a woman, in the sense that they rely on that for their sense of masculinity and worth... I think it is a shift from being a "provider" to being more of a "partner". I am also sure that this must be an uncomfortable transition...for men and women. I think the whole "provider" thing has mutated many times in history... during the neolithic period the "providing" was less for a family unit than for the tribe as a whole... then it began to be narrowed to the family unit with agriculture and now it's swinging out again..to the tribe or community at large. The contributions to survival and progress are now more applicable to the "tribe" again... and really this is a good thing, because things can be accomplished on a bigger scale with both adults able to provide their personal needs. Just an observation.
Ultimately I think this shift enhances our relationships.. and our societies as a whole.
Some men have made this shift... but it doesn't devalue the benefits of personal relationships and what we receive from them.
Just my opinion | |
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| Why do most guys want a woman who needs them?
Posted: 2/22/2008 8:56:55 AM | I think this is true. I have given this question thought before! Think really it goes back to the stone age ways. Men = fathers, provider, protectors.
I find most men love the theory of a strong woman but in reality dont. I think men just want to feel like theyre callin the shots and got a dolly daydream hangin on to their everyword lol They equate bein needy to being loved. | |
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| Why do most guys want a woman who needs them?
Posted: 2/22/2008 9:02:27 AM | I feel like a lot of people still aren't looking at this from the right angel, and right now I feel awake enough to write it coherently.
In our modern like we are encouraged to respond to the question of need with, "I don't NEED anyone! I'm a self sustaining man/woman, I can take care of myself, and I can readily be an island unto myself at any given moment!"
Yes. Most mature adults CAN take care of themselves. Most adults don't NEED anyone to take care of them. We're looking for love, trust, and understanding-- not some mother/father figure.
In that respect, no-- you don't NEED anyone.
I present for your contemplation, though, that love- real love, not brief infatuation or short term affection, results in some level of attachment to the other party. (I think we can all agree on this part--- but this is just the setup folks; bear with me.)
Once the level of attachment is strong, I believe that there is need there. Once you are planning to spend the rest of your life with someone, I believe that there is (or should be) a need there. They should fill, or have come to fill, a place that you didn't know was missing something, and when they leave it is like having that piece surgically removed. This is why when someone you've come to love leaves or dies- you don't just throw up your hands and say, "I don't need them anyhow! *whistles a merry jig*" ... no! You cry, because that is what happens when a piece of you is missing!
As I said earlier-- this is why long term breakups are so hard. Love is this kind of "divine madness" that causes us to cast aside our modern "I am an island and can be an island" bullshit in order to embrace another person.
So again, no-- I don't NEED a woman in order to survive. I can look after myself.... but I look forward to needing A woman-- but only if she's special enough to complete me.
(And yes- someone will try to debunk this by saying it is overly romantic. That's fine- everyone is different. All I can tell you is that my grandmother was married to my grandfather until they were both dead- though he died almost a decade before she did. I'm not a very religious person, I'm into spirituality... I'm not sure I'd claim any religion other than for high holidays---- but my grandmother was. When the cancer took her, she was pretty far gone... but she seemed very happy that she'd get to see her husband again. He filled the hole where something was missing. I believe that he completed her. And now I've gone rambling when this should part should have only been two sentences.) | |
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| Why do most guys want a woman who needs them?
Posted: 2/22/2008 9:06:27 AM | | I am a guy who doesn't look for a woman who needs me. That translate to a needy woman and to me that is noooo fun. Needy also means high maintaince and that is taboo. Just my opinion. | |
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| Why do most guys want a woman who needs them?
Posted: 2/22/2008 9:10:30 AM | I have to shake my head with this thread and many of the comments......talk about stereotyping a gender........ This is like saying all women love to cook for god's sake........
There is such a difference between "need" and "want" on both sides, and in both ways. I do not want a woman to "need" me, and much prefer to have a woman that "wants" me, and I hope that women would seek me out because they "want" me and not because they think they "need" me to somehow provide for them.
Society has laid the foundation for roles in the world as we know it, and many family structures continue to teach these roles. There are many of us that have broken that mold and seek much different things then what was taught and thought to be the "way it should be", by many, for a long long time.
What gets my attention now, will be the women that will let me know that they "want" me, and not those that seem to "need" me. I will leave the "needy ones" for those that still believe that is their main focus and goal in life......to take care of the "needy", and search for those equals that truly do not "need" me, but "want" me to such a degree that they will climb mountains to help make it happen.
Just my opinion.......   | |
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| Why do most guys want a woman who needs them?
Posted: 2/22/2008 9:14:43 AM |
To most women, need means "depend"
That right there is I believe the crux of the matter.
Women today don't want to have to depend on anyone.
Need doesn't mean security or a bargaining tool.
there is emotional needs as well as the "depend" need.
A good way of looking at it is the phrase 'don't want the one you can live with but rather the one you can't live without." | |
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| Why do most guys want a woman who needs them?
Posted: 2/22/2008 9:33:20 AM | I look forward to needing A woman-- but only if she's special enough to complete me.
I think this is another thing. I might bump into someone that I like, spend time with them and end up involved with them, spend years in a serious thing with them and one day wake up and realize I need them in my life...
But to me that's so far into a future that may or may not happen, and it's not a goal, it's something I think should happen in it's own time. It's so far off I can't imagine it in this time and place - but I would think it's just a natural progression that needn't be discussed as a requirement.
To me, saying I want to need someone or have someone need me someday is putting the cart WAY WAY before the horse. Just like people who want to be married someday and have children, but are still single with no good prospects on the horizon - shouldn't you meet someone and get involved before you even entertain a thought like that? I'd rather live in the moment, not project so far off into the future.
Need doesn't mean security or a bargaining tool.
Maybe not always, but sometimes - sure it does.
there is emotional needs as well as the "depend" need. A good way of looking at it is the phrase 'don't want the one you can live with but rather the one you can't live without."
Sure, but you can come to need someone emotionally but again, before you even meet someone, isn't it a bit premature to be banking on or hoping for? | |
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| Why do most guys want a woman who needs them?
Posted: 2/22/2008 9:40:44 AM | Why do most guys want a woman who needs them?
Maybe that's the only type of woman they can attract?? I personally am totally turned off by needy women. Not that there's anything wrong with being needy; it's just one of my deal breakers. And that's probably one reason why I don't find too many women who are what I'm looking for. If they are bright, ambitious and confident, what the hell would they need me for? (or for that matter, any man??) | |
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| Why do most guys want a woman who needs them?
Posted: 2/22/2008 9:52:15 AM | Wow interesting thread! I eventually, WANT to find the right man. I do not necessarily need a man to make my life complete or to bring me happiness. Once I fall in love with him however, I am going to "need" him to be part of my life because I love him and want to be with him. The fact that I do not "need" someone doesn't mean that I can walk away from a relationship and that there isn't anything that the man brings to the relationship. It means that I can and will survive without that person... whether i want to is a different story altogether.
I cannot stand "needy" people. Male or female. Find yourself. Learn how to enjoy your own company. Have something to bring to the relationship besides your physical self and your neediness. I truly believe that until one is capable of loving themselves and living their life in a happy way with or with out a partner, then and only then are they ready for a relationship. That doesn't mean that once they love you they can walk away without hesitation... it just means that until they do find that right person for them, they are going to be happy. As soon as you become needy, you are going to find someone and settle for them just because they are there and not because they are the right person for you. I don't want to be that person and I don't want to end up with someone like that. | |
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| Why do most guys want a woman who needs them?
Posted: 2/22/2008 10:26:07 AM | 'Marc' - I totally agree with what you said - and you're so insightful for a man in his 20's - I'm impressed, since most guys don't think like that at a young age. Kudos to you, bud! You deserve to find a nice woman who will love you for YOU - and then need to be with you 'cause you're such a great guy!
Msg. #63 (Hold da fries) - EVERYONE wants & needs a partner - even bright, ambitious & confident women. So I hope that men aren't afraid to approach women who are this way. I sometimes feel that men are SCARED of confident, assertive women - maybe because their own mothers aren't this way, and maybe their own sisters aren't this way. Perhaps if men were raised with 'strong' women in their family unit, they could more easily accept when a woman doesn't particularly "need" them like our mothers needed our fathers. Nevertherless, everyone has "needs" - although I believe that 'today' we have different needs, which I think is good, since it's more likely to be of a "healthy" nature - not "dependency" needs (except for those people who are insecure, immature, lack self-esteem, etc.).
I've made the mistake in the past of telling men that I don't "need" them, but "want" them. But, after reading this post, I will never say that again (at least not the way I've been saying it), because it can turn men off, and maybe some men will take it to mean that I will NEVER need them in any way, which isn't true for me. So this thread was very informative to me - I've realized that "needs" can mean so much more than what I had originally thought. It encompasses verbal, emotional, intellectual, spiritual, and physical needs as well - in fact, there are different needs in variable amounts & this influences every aspect of our lives.
From this post, I've learned that it's alright to 'need someone' (in a healthy way) - as long as we're NOT acting out of fear & desperation. Very good thread!
P.S. Msg. #64 - Couldn't agree more with you. Good comments. | |
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| Why do most guys want a woman who needs them?
Posted: 2/22/2008 10:39:34 AM | | This is so easy....men who want women who need them get control over the relationship. I'm sorry, a dictatorship is just too much work. I run for cover if a woman comes off as needy and worries too much. | |
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| Why do most guys want a woman who needs them?
Posted: 2/22/2008 11:13:34 AM | msg. 58 >>This is why when someone you've come to love leaves or dies- you don't just throw up your hands and say, "I don't need them anyhow! *whistles a merry jig*" ... no! You cry, because that is what happens when a piece of you is missing!
and...
So again, no-- I don't NEED a woman in order to survive. I can look after myself.... but I look forward to needing A woman-- but only if she's special enough to complete me.
Marc, my dear forums friend, once again you speak with an "old soul".. I agree with everything you said.. however, I don't look at a special someone as completing me. Rather I'm waiting for someone who is able to connect with me on several levels ie> emotionally, spiritually, physically et al. Someone who is able to tie up the loose ends - so to speak. Can I live happily without those connections? Yes, and I have for some time now.. but, I can live happier when all the voids are filled - when all the connections are secure. Am I making sense?
I'm in agreement that I don't need a man to be happy and survive. However, I do need the guy with whom I can share my life, my emotional intimacies, my physical intimacies - my heart and soul... When that special guy comes into my presently happy life, it will be enriched - therefore my life will be ecstatically blissful. The need will be satiated.
... and they lived happily ever after... fini   | |
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| Why do most guys want a woman who needs them?
Posted: 2/22/2008 11:36:59 AM | | I had a client one time many years ago who explained it like this. "if a woman needs me she will not leave me." He needed her to need him so he would not feel insecure. If fellows only knew that being with a man because you want to be is infinitely better than being there because you need him. It makes the relationship more equal and loving. In the past women needed men to look after women for protection and gathering of food (hunting) while she was raising their young. The old brain in men still works on that principal. It is a view from the swamp from the age of dinosaurs. This is hard to change but must because modern relationships and women have changed a lot. | |
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| Why do most guys want a woman who needs them?
Posted: 2/22/2008 11:52:46 AM | Men are held to a standard of manhood that woman don't have to experience with regards to her womanhood. Once she hits puberty her womanhood is assumed.
There are two way that a man can feel like a man. One is internal through his own accomplishments and the other is external and based on a reflection off another person's weakness. Having someone need you makes you appear strong and therefore manly. It's an illusion but it helps them meet the standard. | |
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| Why do most guys want a woman who needs them?
Posted: 2/22/2008 1:56:00 PM | | I don't know where you are finding these men who want a woman who needs them. I seem to find the opposite most of the time. Most of the profiles I read say they want a woman 'who has her own life', 'who knows what she wants', etc. The implication seems to be that they want a woman they can pop and visit once or twice a week, but don't want to bear any responsibility for or feel a need to get too involved with. If men do want to be needed then why are they putting this kind of thing on their profiles? | |
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oshan
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Joined: 1/5/2008
Msg: 72 | |
| Why do most guys want a woman who needs them?
Posted: 2/22/2008 2:23:48 PM |
What gets my attention now, will be the women that will let me know that they "want" me, and not those that seem to "need" me. I will leave the "needy ones" for those that still believe that is their main focus and goal in life......to take care of the "needy", and search for those equals that truly do not "need" me, but "want" me to such a degree that they will climb mountains to help make it happen.
This is the average misunderstanding around these concepts of "wanting" , "needing" and "being needy". Firstly, "wanting" definitely implies a 'take it or leave it' attitude, which is relevant when one is considering whether or not to purchase an ice cream cone or not, or perhaps one's fiftieth pair of shoes, or which restaurant to patronize, etc., and in relationships it describes a 'milktoast' desire, at best. "Needing", on the other hand, is all about passion....not "being needy" (which is all about narcissistic behavior, egoistic and self-centered, which is the opposite of love). Needing someone I love is just NATURAL. I think Eric Fromm had it right as quoted previously by another poster. "I need you because I love you....not, I love you because I need you" That, says it all, if you really think about it! imo
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| Why do most guys want a woman who needs them?
Posted: 2/22/2008 3:29:15 PM |
What`s the deal about being "needed"? Can`t ya just be "wanted" and loved and that be enough?
Hell, I'll settle for mildly interested 
I don't want someone that "needs" me. I'm just coming out of a relationship and I want to be selfish for a bit. Let me look after myself and you look after yourself, in there, we will find some mutual time to enjoy each others company. Beyond that, I am going to be looking after myself. | |
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| Why do most guys want a woman who needs them?
Posted: 2/22/2008 4:26:14 PM | When I really really needed someone in the low points of my life ... I never found strong emotional support in a man.
On my own after leaving an abusive ex with 3 small children ... I mean physically abusive to babies .... spending time in shelters for women and children ... working to be the sole provider for my family ... I found support with other women ... family and the Church (GOD).
I think men will help out women when it suits them ... makes them feel big ... like yeah opening a pickle jar ...
Or the best thing is when a guy thinks a woman desperately needs sex. He can provide the human dildo. (This is reverse psychology. It just means the man wants to have sex with us and believes he is doing us a favour. lol I've had guys say that to me. "I am so happy to help you out." In those years, every guy I met would be all over me til I said "yeah I have 3 kids" and you should have seen them run. Big time "wanting to help a woman in distress". No f* way.)
It was a true lesson in life.
In the big scheme of things ... I have yet to find a man who fits the bill when it counts.
So now I manage my expectations. I count on myself. My woman friends. GOD and the Church.
And I have a handy device that opens pickle jars. | |
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| Why do most guys want a woman who needs them?
Posted: 2/22/2008 4:29:49 PM | | Today it seems to me that no one needs anyone. I guess that is why the internet is full of dating sites with millions of members. Need and want, I am sure there are great differences to most people. Do you need or want a date Saturday night. Does it really matter what you call it while you are sitting home or out with your friends having a good time. | |
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