| Why do most guys want a woman who needs them?
Posted: 2/24/2008 7:07:27 AM |
You CAN'T need until the connection that drives it is formed.
That's the simple truth.
If anyone I was dating short term said, "I need you to need me" I think I'd be freaked out.
Need isn't something that you generally notice until it has formed in one person.
Marc gets it. Yay!
A man who demands I need him ever WILL freak me out. A man who declares he needs me early on will freak me out also. It's just not something that you toss around as a bargain, or requirement. It's usually, to be honest, something you never even think about and one day wake up and realize.
I should want him, and he should want me. If we remain together and become a part of each other's lives for years, eventually we GROW to need each other. But that kind of need is the kind you have for family, certain close long time friends, etc.
And P.S. - for the men who think women who need instead of want won't easily leave you, think again. Long as what they need you for they can find from some other guy, you'll always be a number.
However if she WANTS you, she can't get YOU anywhere else. | |
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| Why do most guys want a woman who needs them?
Posted: 2/24/2008 7:39:11 AM |
A man who demands I need him ever WILL freak me out.
“demands” certainly is freaky behaviour.
I certainly hope you aren’t looking at someone recognizing a basic human need and wanting/needing their SO to fulfill it as freakish behaviour.
(And I did mean SO, not someone they’re dating). | |
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| Why do most guys want a woman who needs them?
Posted: 2/24/2008 7:45:05 AM | | surely, if someone loves you and chooses not to walk even though she is a strong woman (not needy), then isn't that in itself a big compliment! (everyperson has a vunerable side, its just how they handle it) | |
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| Why do most guys want a woman who needs them?
Posted: 2/24/2008 10:10:54 AM | Need is not needy.
They aren't the same thing.
You can be strong and still need someone.
I think this is the problem that some people are having with this. We tend to think that there is something wrong with saying that we want to need someone.
Some of us have even been trained to say that no one needs anyone, because admitting that men and women could need each other on any level, at first glance, violates much of the progress made in the 20th century.
What I have posed is that need in a relationship is an eventuality, not a starting point.
On day 1, I'd LIKE you to go to the zoo with me.
A little later, I HOPE you agree to another date.
A while later I WANT you to be my girlfriend.
After a year or two of living together I've come to RELY on you as a partner, friend, and love... and if the relationship were to break down I would have to grieve its loss... because after being with one person for a long time I believe that they become a necessary part of your life.
Does that make me less "strong"? No. I think it makes me human.
I can cook, clean (or not clean if I don't want to), and fold my own bloody pants without a woman. I'm not looking for a maid. But if I examine what I believe a long term relationship is.... I would be lying if I said that what I was looking for wouldn't eventually contain need.
The problem is that "not needing a man" is a common feminist mantra. The modern men will then reply, "I don't need a woman either!" ... these phrases are catchy, but I think that we often forget to add on the extra bit at the end- "I don't need a man to take care of me" --- "I don't need a woman to take care of me."
I pose that you can need someone without it offending your masculinity/femininity. I would go so far as to say that need is a necessary component in a long term relationship-- which is where it should appear. I don't think that WANT is a strong enough word for the glue that keeps you coming back. I think that it is NEED.
That's the only way that I can justify the sorrow that I felt over the breakup of my last long term relationship. I had come to need someone. As a mature man, I can say, "I want a cookie!"... and if someone says, "Oh, sorry, we don't have any" --- I don't cry about it. *gasp* (I know, shocking, right?) If I haven't drank any water in a day or two, and you're holding a full canteen in the middle of the desert, I might say, "I need water" .... and if you say, "Sorry, I just drank the last bit." I might cry. (Though given that I haven't had any water in a few days, I might just give a dry kind of sob. I don't know enough about human biology to be able to tell you whether or not a person at that level of dehydration could form tears.)
Anyhow... that was rambly, but I think I was mostly clear. | |
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| Why do most guys want a woman who needs them?
Posted: 2/24/2008 12:11:37 PM | Men have a need to feel needed by women because an ever growing number of women have found they really don't need a man. Even children don't need a man after they get to a certain age either. At very young ages they need to be supervised by adults (which can be of either sex), but after they get to the still young age where they don't need that anymore, what's the reason to be there?
If you want or feel you need a family life, then there is a need; but if not, then no.
This is proven every day, millions of times over.
Human families don't need men to provide anymore. Most of us don't live in agrarian societies.
In places where people do mainly office work, many women are better providers than males... | |
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| Why do most guys want a woman who needs them?
Posted: 2/24/2008 3:16:14 PM | I think the needing makes the relationship stronger in mens minds.
Sadly most men once they have a woman who needs them backs off and starts treating the woman badly. | |
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| Why do most guys want a woman who needs them?
Posted: 2/26/2008 12:48:25 AM | I don't want a woman whom "needs" me...
With that type, you're usually asked to fill a "void" the size of the grand canyon...Guess what? Ain't happening, McGirk...The grass will ALWAYS be greener in the next yard...the next one...and the 1001 after that...Everyone and everything is NEVER going to "make it happen" for that individual...
Best to sidestep a person like that...and FAST! | |
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| Why do most guys want a woman who needs them?
Posted: 2/26/2008 1:29:14 AM | | Where is the fine line between want and need? This seems to be a rather insignificant thing to quibble about. My lady can want me and need me. Both are ok by me. The one thing I will not abide is if she is indifferent to me. | |
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| Why do most guys want a woman who needs them?
Posted: 2/26/2008 8:44:24 AM |
Were you starting to say "because of the way she made me feel when she treated me like a second class citizen", but caught yourself? You know that's horse shit! Own it, darlin!
No, I actually got caught between saying "she made me a second-class citizen" and "she treated me as a second class citizen." Truth is, she didn't make me a second-class citizen, but she did treat me as such.
She taught me all I need to know about needing another human being. Need is a sign of weakness. When you show weakness, it will be exploited. That's the lesson I learned. I was always the more dominant, aggressive person. I took one opportunity in my life to put someone ahead of that and I was exposed for it. So, yes, I will own it. I made the mistake of putting myself - for once - into a position where I came to need someone. People who don't fulfill their own needs are the ones who are exploited in this world. It was a hard lesson for me to learn.
Someone else said something about need and dependence. They're the same thing. You can't separate the two. The only way you can be dependent upon someone is if you need them for something. As soon as you need anyone for anything, you are dependent upon that person and at the discretion of their whims. | |
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| Why do most guys want a woman who needs them?
Posted: 2/26/2008 8:56:40 AM | I think it's opposite..............., men want confident, independent women. Women that can stand on thier own, form their own thoughts and make their own decisions. Confident men are turned off by needy gals.
It's the insecure, controlling guys that need the needy gals.
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| Why do most guys want a woman who needs them?
Posted: 2/26/2008 8:57:01 AM |
So you stand to isolate yourself. Which is what WAY too many people are doing.
I disagree that way too many people are doing it. The truth about real freedom and independence is a frightening idea to most and the path to it is rife with peril. But if you achieve it, the rewards are remarkable.
"The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. To be your own man is a hard business. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself." Rudyard Kipling
NEEDS are healthy, I don't get why people want to resist it.
And I contend that need is a weakness. They need to be kept at a minimum. The basic needs are shelter, food and water. If you keep your needs to that very basic level and provide them for yourself, life will be happier. Everyone desires or wants other things, and there's nothing wrong with that. Just keep it on the level of a want and not a need because the rewards are no greater when fulfilled, but you are risking more with a need than a want. | |
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| Why do most guys want a woman who needs them?
Posted: 2/26/2008 9:09:57 AM | | .....GOOD THREAD.....well i'm a guy, and when i'm attracted to a woman, i have no idea whether she is the needy type or not....if she turns out to be ,and i love her, then i'll take care of her...."to a point".....needing me is one thing, being helpless is another....but evolutionarily speaking, men evolved providing and protecting......the better they were at it, the more successful the species....and the ones that were not so good at it .....well their kids croaked....so the best protectors and providers, passed on their genes to all of us protcetive kind of guys.....now i just think that men are programmed/ wired by dna to protect.....it's what we evolved to do to survive as a species....our dna has not caught up to the new paradigm....of totally independent woman...who do not need us.....but deep down inside ladies.....you all really do....lol....needing me or wanting me ???? ...... i'm flattered either way.......just so long as i really love you.... | |
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| Why do most guys want a woman who needs them?
Posted: 2/26/2008 10:07:00 AM |
Why do most guys want a woman who "needs" them? This is the last type of woman with whom I'd seek a relationship.
They act as if being "needed" is a requirement. Can't speak for these guys. I'd think most guys don't want a "needy" woman.
That without a woman "needing" them they have no interest in a relationship. This sounds kinda smothering to me.
What`s the deal about being "needed"? You might be confused with feeling "needed" with feeling "wanted and loved".
Can`t ya just be "wanted" and loved and that be enough? For normal men, yes. Look for them, they are out there. 
Looking for a guy`s opinion on this.....Thanks. You're welcome. | |
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| Why do most guys want a woman who needs them?
Posted: 2/26/2008 10:31:20 AM |
And I contend that need is a weakness
I don't believe needs are weaknesses, I think they are part of being human.
But, for the sake of argument, let's say they are. Are there people who need absolutely no one or nothing? Who always say the right thing, do the right thing, feel the right feelings? I believe they don't exist. They would then not be human..they would be robots? Fear of the need itself is even human, if self defeating.
Just keep it on the level of a want and not a need because the rewards are no greater when fulfilled, but you are risking more with a need than a want.
Ah ,yes, ...risk. Sure it's a risk, but to myself, that's the point. The rewards are greater. Wants ,when not fulfilled, hardly cause serious distress or pain, precisely because there is no real risk. I can not find any way to say it, that hasn't been said before, and better. But, my latest favorite is: Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but, How to dance in the rain..(don't remember where I got that..but, it isn't my original)...one gains nothing of substance without risk...and you make yourself vulnerable with a need, espcially for another person, but, when it works the way it should...dancing in your soul is the result.....JMO | |
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| Why do most guys want a woman who needs them?
Posted: 2/26/2008 10:57:50 AM | People who don't fulfill their own needs are the ones who are exploited in this world.
Bingo! But that does not mean you can't take care of yourself, and still feel a need for someone else to care for, need and love. Self comes first, but we surely CAN take on passengers.
As soon as you need anyone for anything, you are dependent upon that person and at the discretion of their whims.
No, no, no--more horse shit! First, being dependent or vulnerable doesn't mean life will suddenly become a bed of roses just because you were a big boy and deserve to be rewarded, lol. People will disappoint us every chance they can! Just cause you need them doesn't mean any of the following...that their need will mirror your own, that they'll treat you appropriately 100% of the time, that you're insulated in any way from their humanity, or that they'll give you exactly what you need them to, exactly the way you need them to.
It does require a set of balls to take the bad with the good...it's hard for me to believe that every moment of your relationship was all about her mistreating you, and if she did, shame on YOU for taking it! Had you straightened that crap out, you might have a woman that'd still be eating out of your hands today, lol. 
I think healthy people are never truly subject to the whims of another because they---even though they may feel vulnerable and may truly need that person---won't allow themselves to be mistreated to a degree that becomes problematic in that it goes unresolved. It IS possible to need/be vulnerable with a pair strapped on. :) That said, a person that truly loves you wouldn't crush you with their whims. They just wouldn't.
Ricky adores me and he indulges me, and were I to allow him to, he'd do so even moreso because he's weak to me. I recognize that, so when I start liking it too much and feel like allowing him, I always feel pretty crappy inside. I can't let him spoil me in ways that I know might become problematic. When he suffers, I suffer.
Relationships are fluid and are full of give and take. Sometimes one takes more than another, but usually (amongst healthy partners) it balances in the ways it needs to.
Have you ever needed something you didn't want? | |
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| Why do most guys want a woman who needs them?
Posted: 2/26/2008 11:13:23 AM | I have yet to see a person that needs air to live say they don't want it.
A person NEEDS air to breathe and stay alive. Look at how needy that person becomes to get air to breathe and stay alive when the need isn't met, and the air isn't there.
An entertainer NEEDS an audience to entertain.
A painter NEEDS a paintbrush and paint to be able to paint.
A race car driver NEEDS a car to drive and race.
Take away the things they need and what do you have?
In order to get someone to smile, they NEED someone to make them smile.
Back to fishing. | |
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| Why do most guys want a woman who needs them?
Posted: 2/26/2008 11:20:48 AM | | Guess I've just been lucky up to now. So far the men I've met on this site are not looking for the needy type woman. In fact they are even suspicious of them. They seem to prefer finding someone that wants them for themselves, not what they or another man could provide. | |
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| Why do most guys want a woman who needs them?
Posted: 2/26/2008 12:00:29 PM |
Bingo! But that does not mean you can't take care of yourself, and still feel a need for someone else to care for, need and love. Self comes first, but we surely CAN take on passengers.
YES! Exactly!
Some people still aren't getting that NEED and BEING NEEDY can be separate.
We're SO into saying that we aren't/don't like people who are NEEDY that we forget that it describes very specific behavior.
I stand by my earlier statement that long term relationships turn into need-- and that need is a necessary requirement in the modern LTR where people don't tend to need people for material support. | |
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| Why do most guys want a woman who needs them?
Posted: 2/26/2008 12:39:52 PM |
Self comes first, but we surely CAN take on passengers.
ie. baggage. I believe in traveling light 
People will disappoint us every chance they can!
Yup. Why give them the chance? I personally keep low expectations for all of the people in my life so I'm not disappointed when they do something dumb.
I think healthy people are never truly subject to the whims of another because they---even though they may feel vulnerable and may truly need that person---won't allow themselves to be mistreated to a degree that becomes problematic in that it goes unresolved.
I'll say it again, if you allow yourself to need from someone, you are dependent upon that person for whatever that need may be. You have handed that person power. You are now subject to that person's whims.
That said, a person that truly loves you wouldn't crush you with their whims. They just wouldn't.
Oh, FC, you know all too well my feelings about "love." Don't think I need to go into detail on that one again.
Ricky adores me and he indulges me,
Congrats. You're deserving. 
Relationships are fluid and are full of give and take.
I do enough of that in my working life to do it in my private life. I'd rather enjoy my time than listen to a list of complaints about how I'm not doing what she needs.
Have you ever needed something you didn't want?
Yeah, a shot that saved my life. It's really a very difficult choice for a person with needle phobia. | |
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| Why do most guys want a woman who needs them?
Posted: 2/26/2008 12:49:57 PM | Like any other word, which indicates a function, it does no more than say there is one. What shape or form it takes, is here open to interpretation, I read recently, there was a time when there were clear distinctions between what men and women did and in this way by playing to their respective strengths, labour was divided up and this caused both to specialise at what they could do best. It concluded, the biggest advantage man had over the Neanderthal, was in the skills that woman did, by gathering, making clothes, cooking and so on.
Perhaps being needed causes a person to be instinctively propelled forward to meet that demand which is not there of its own accord.
There many reasons why and perhaps a heading ,is that we function better that way | |
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