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| The joke thread...
Posted: 3/1/2008 8:55:29 PM | An internet guy has made a killing on stocks so decides to leave the rat race and heads to the wilderness of Alaska. He buys a place way out in the middle of nowhere so he is a bit shocked when he hears a knock at the door, he opens it and a massive bear of a guy stands there....
I just thought I'd be neighborly and wish you welcome and to invite you to a party.
The internet guy says great(he has after all been without contact for a few weeks).
Bear guy says..well, theres probably going to be some drinking..... the internet guys says no problem, I like to drink.
There may be some fighting too mind you...the internet guy says, no problem, I can handle myself. The bear guy turns to leave and just as he does so he turns back and says..there will probably be a whole lot of fucking going on too.
Internet guy goes YES!
After a pause he calls out to bear guy and asks how many people will be at the party..he replies, Oh just you an me.
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| The joke thread...
Posted: 3/1/2008 9:35:07 PM |
That's just wrong!
If you think so, you've never been to West Virginia.
After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the Obstetrician. "Doctor," the man said, "I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine."
"Nonsense," the doctor said. "Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool."
"It isn't possible," the man insisted. "This can't be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations."
"Well," said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do you have sex?" The man seemed a bit ashamed. "I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months."
"Well, there you have it!" the doctor said. "It's rust." | |
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| The joke thread...
Posted: 3/2/2008 10:58:24 AM | This one's for the ladies...
What do you do , when you see your husband , staggering around the back yard?
Reload.....
I see it happen all the time in Pennsyltuckey... | |
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| The joke thread...
Posted: 3/2/2008 6:13:05 PM | After 20 years of sex, a wife finds out her husband always used a dildo on her.
She said "Fool explain the dildo!"
He said "B*tch explain the kids!" | |
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| The joke thread...
Posted: 3/2/2008 7:59:13 PM |
That's just wrong!
If you think so, you've never been to West Virginia.
I've got to go to West Virginia in May for my friends wedding. Now I will make sure I won't get lost. | |
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| The joke thread...
Posted: 3/2/2008 8:03:32 PM | Swimming Pond
An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nicely: Picnic tables, horseshoe courts, a volleyball court, and some orange and grapefruit trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond and look it over, as he hadn't been there in a while. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."
Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator." | |
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| The joke thread...
Posted: 3/2/2008 8:13:12 PM | It took me days to come up with a joke that would not get me sent to banned camp. Anyone who knows me well will be happy to provide references to this fact.
One evening John and the guys were hitting the Guinness at the pub and having a contest to see who could come up with the best toast. John hoisted his beer high and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!" With that, he was instantly awarded the prize of Toast of the Night.
Later that evening, he went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night.""Aye," she said, "and what was your toast?""Here's to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife!" he replied. "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "Did you know John won the prize the other night with a toast about you, Mary?""Aye," she said. "I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come!" | |
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| The joke thread...
Posted: 3/3/2008 1:07:33 PM | A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into
a local Hooters.
The place was hopping with music and loud
conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn
off.'
Each time the lights would go out, the place would
erupt into cheers.
However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room
went dead silent.
She walked up to the bartender, and asked, 'May I
please use the restroom?
The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you
that there is a statue of a naked man in there, wearing only a fig
leaf.'
'Well, in that case, I'll just look the other
way,' said the nun.
So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the
restaurant.
After a few minutes, she came back out, and the
whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of
applause!
She went to the bartender and said, 'Sir, I don't
understand. Why did they applaud for me, just because I went to the
restroom?'
'Well, now they know you're one of us,' said the
bartender, 'Would you like a drink? It's on the house.'
'No, thank you, but, I still don't understand,'
said the puzzled nun.
'Well, sister,' laughed the bartender, 'every time
someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out. Now,
how about that drink?' | |
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| The joke thread...
Posted: 3/3/2008 1:24:07 PM | 85 years of age, Morris married Lou Anne, a lovely 25 year old.
Since her new husband is so old, Lou Anne decides that after their
wedding she and Morris should have separate bedrooms because she is
concerned that her new, but aged husband may overexert himself if they
spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities, Lou Anne prepares herself for bed and
the expected "knock" on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door
opens and there is Morris, her 85 year old groom ready for action.
They unite as one.
All goes well. Morris takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to
go to sleep. After a few minutes, Lou Anne hears another knock on her
bedroom door, and it's Morris.
Again he is ready for more "action." Somewhat surprised, Lou Anne
consents to more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Morris kisses
his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves.
She is set to go to sleep again, but Morris is back again, rapping on
the door, and is as fresh as a 25 year old ready for more "action."
Once again they enjoy each other. But, as Morris is set to leave again,
his young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that at your
age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less
than a third your age who were only good once. You are truly a great
lover, Morris."
Morris, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Lou Anne and says: "You mean,
I was here already?" | |
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| The joke thread...
Posted: 3/3/2008 5:41:07 PM | Political Science for Dummies
DEMOCRAT
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
REPUBLICAN
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?
SOCIALIST
You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.
COMMUNIST
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.
AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.
FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.
JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.
GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.
ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.
RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.
TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.
You get a $40 million grant from the U.S. government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.
IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows.
They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.
POLISH CORPORATION
You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.
BELGIAN CORPORATION
You have one cow.
The cow is schizophrenic.
Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish.
The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow.
The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk.
The cow asks permission to be cut in half.
The cow dies happy.
FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best-looking cow.
CALIFORNIA CORPORATION
You have millions of cows.
They make real California cheese.
Only five speak English.
Most of them are illegal.
Arnold likes the ones with the big udders. | |
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| The joke thread...
Posted: 3/4/2008 7:01:23 PM |
Missy, rumor has it you are a member of the, "Blue Face Group
'Tis possible as I occasionally  until I am. Then watch out. | |
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| The joke thread...
Posted: 3/4/2008 9:07:35 PM | Kids writing about the sea!
Someone asked these kids to write about the sea........oh boy!
1) This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)
2) Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6)
3) If you are surrounded by sea you are an island. If you don't have sea all round you, you are incontinent. (Wayne age 7)
4) Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)
5) A dolphin breaths through an a$$hole on the top of its head. (Billy age 8)
6) My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs. (Millie age 6)
7) When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans. (William age 7)
8) I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. And how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really? (Helen age 6)
9) I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mom and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy age 6)
10) Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 6)
11) When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin age 6)
12) Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky age 8)
13) On holidays my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired right up her fat ass. (Julie age 7) | |
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| The joke thread...
Posted: 3/4/2008 9:22:21 PM | Two men are out fishing at their favorite fishing
hole, just fishing quietly and drinking beer.
Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Jim
says, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife - she
hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months.
Earl continues slowly sipping his beer, then
thoughtfully says, "You better think it over - women
like that are hard to find." | |
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| The joke thread...
Posted: 3/5/2008 4:43:22 AM | there were 3 pregnant ladies at the hospital for a routine check up. One of the pregnant ladies says outloud " I wonder if I 'm having a boy or a girl?". A nurse overhears the conversationa and says " I have a theory, would you like to hear it?. the 3 pregnant ladies said "yes". The nurse then ask "when you were making love,"," what sex positione were you in?". the first pregnant woman says " I was on the bottom". The nurse says " then you are going to have a girl". the second preganant lady says " I was on top, whats that mean?". The nurse says " then you are going to have a boy". All of a sudden the third pregnant lady starts crying out loud.....They all look over at her and say " oh my god!!! are you ok?..What's worng........The third pregnant lady exclaims....." I"m gonna have puppies".....
bada bing!!!! | |
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| The joke thread...
Posted: 3/6/2008 6:53:35 PM | A 5th grader asked her mother the age-old question,
'How did I get here?'
Her mother told her, 'God sent you.'
'Did God send you, too?' asked the child.
'Yes, Dear,' the mother replied.
'What about Grandma and Grandpa?' the child persisted.
'He sent them also,' the mother said.
'Did he send their parents, too?' asked the child.
'Yes, Dear, He did,' said the mother patiently.
'So you're telling me that there has been NO sex in this family for 200 years?
No wonder everyone's so damn grouchy around here. | |
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| The joke thread...
Posted: 3/7/2008 11:55:45 PM | A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game. They had great
seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she
liked the experience.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and
all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were
killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the
game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm
like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!! | |
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| The joke thread...
Posted: 3/8/2008 7:36:12 AM | High School sweethearts, both virgins, get married.
On the wedding night the bride puts on her night gown in the bathroom and dashes to the bed pulling the covers up to her neck.
The groom sits on the edge of the bed and starts undressing.
He takes off his shoes and socks revealing grossly disfigured toes.
"Oh, my God!" The bride exclaims,"What happened to your toes?!"
"I had Toelio as a child." The groom explains.
"You mean Polio." She says.
"No this was Toelio."
He takes off this pants revealing grossly disfigured knees.
"Oh, my God! What happened to your knees?!" She cries.
"As a child I had kneesles." He replies
"You mean measles."
"No this was kneesles."
The groom removes his underwear and the bride says,"I know, you don't have to say it,
as a child you had Small Cox." | |
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| The joke thread...
Posted: 3/9/2008 9:18:21 AM | Lesson In Sharing
A five-year-old boy and his grandfather are sitting on the front porch together, when grandpa pulled a beer out of the cooler.
The little boy asked, Grandpa, can I have a beer?
Grandpa replied, can your pecker touch your ass?
The little boy answered, no Grandpa, it's just a little pecker!
Grandpa said, then you're not man enough to have a beer.
A little later Grandpa lit up a cigar.
The little boy asked, Grandpa, can I have a cigar?
Once again, Grandpa asked, can your pecker touch your ass?
The little boy answered no, again.
Grandpa said, Then your not man enough to have a cigar.
A little later, the boy came out of the house with some cookies and milk.
Grandpa asked, can I have a cookie?
The boy asked, can your pecker touch your ass?
Grandpa replied, hell yeah, my pecker can touch my ass!
The boy replied, then go f*** yourself!
Grandma made these for me. | |
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| The joke thread...
Posted: 3/9/2008 11:48:20 PM | A Scotsman moves to America and attends his first baseball game.The first batter approaches the batters' box, takes a few swings and then hitsa double. Everyone is on their feet screaming "Run!!!"
The next batter hits a single. The Scotsman listens as the crowd again cheers "RUN!! RUN!!" The Scotsman is enjoying the game and begins screaming with the fans. The fifth batter comes up and four balls go by. The Umpire calls: "Walk." The batter starts his slow trot to first base. The Scot stands up and screams, "Run ye lazy **stard rrrun!"
The people around him begin laughing. Embarrassed, the Scot sits back down. A friendly fan notes the man's embarrassment, leans over and explains, "He can't run -- he has four balls." The Scot stands up and screams:
"Walk with pride, Laddie!" | |
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| The joke thread...
Posted: 3/13/2008 7:27:58 PM | Eight Words with two Meanings
1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female..... Any part under a car's hood.
Male.... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing football without a cup.
3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.
4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.
5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.
6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.
7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.
8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes. | |
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| The joke thread...
Posted: 3/13/2008 8:00:46 PM | A police officer pulls over a speeding car.
The officer says, I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'
The driver says, Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.'
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says:
'Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls,
'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?'
The wife smiles demurely and says,
'You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.'
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says throughclenched teeth,
'Damit, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'
The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir.
That's an automatic $75 fine.'
The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'
The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on.
You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks,
'WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??'
The officer looks over at the woman and asks,
'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'
'Only when he's been drinking. | |
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| The joke thread...
Posted: 3/14/2008 8:13:36 PM | Love Client #9
(Sung to the tune of Love Potion #9)
I took my troubles down to Washington
You know that town where you can pay for fun
The Emperors Club made a mighty fine dime
Sellin' little Kristen to
Love Client Number Nine
I told her that I was a flop with chicks
I'd been this way since my election was fixed
She looked at my cash, the receipt she did sign
She said, "Let me call you
Love Client Number Nine"
She bent down and turned around and gave me a wink
She said, "We're gonna do it right here on the sink"
But let us first get loose with a very stiff drink
I held my nose, I closed my eyes, I didn't think
I didn't know if it was day or night
The Feds were tapping every phone in sight
But when I kissed a call girl who made me pay for time
The FBI labeled me
Love Client Number Nine | |
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| The joke thread...
Posted: 3/14/2008 10:33:25 PM | Why do cows look sad when being milked?
If somone woke you up early, rubbed your titties for 2 hours and didn't **** you, you'd be sad too! | |
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