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| The joke thread...
Posted: 3/15/2008 12:47:49 AM | **** Love Client Number Nine ****
I am going to sing this song on Karaoke night!!!! lol
Who wrote it? | |
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| The joke thread...
Posted: 3/15/2008 12:01:25 PM |
**** Love Client Number Nine ****
I am going to sing this song on Karaoke night!!!! lol
Who wrote it?
That would be Paul Shanklin, who is the official satirist on Rush Limbaugh. Rush debuted the song earlier this week. The song is not yet available for download on paulshanklin.com but I'm sure it will be soon... | |
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| The joke thread...
Posted: 3/15/2008 12:18:54 PM | That would be Paul Shanklin, who is the official satirist on Rush Limbaugh. Rush debuted the song earlier this week. The song is not yet available for download on paulshanklin.com but I'm sure it will be soon...
Gack!!! I didn't not find that on anything Rush related. /me wanders off to wash Rush cooties off typing fingers...
Did you hear about the butcher that backed into his meat grinder and got a little behind in his work?
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| The joke thread...
Posted: 3/15/2008 1:22:33 PM | Top Ten Signs You Might Be a Taliban
10. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.
9. You own a $300 machine gun and a $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.
8. You have more wives than teeth.
7. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
6. You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.
5. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry ammunition in your robe.
4. You've never been asked, 'Does this burka make my ass look big?'
3. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
2. A common compliment is, 'I love what you've done with your cave.'
And the No. 1 sign you might be a member of the Taliban…
1. You wipe your ass with your bare hand, but consider bacon unclean. | |
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| The joke thread...
Posted: 3/15/2008 3:59:01 PM | A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends.
Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day! This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich.
He said, 'Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?'
She said 'I love it but I have to stop eating it.'
'Why?' he asked.
She pointed to her lap and said 'Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!'
'Let me see' he said.
'Okay' and she pulled up her skirt.
He looked and said, 'That's right. You are! Better not eat any more chicken..'
He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter. He said to the little girl, 'I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers down there too!'
She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for her!
She said, 'Oh, my God, it's too late for you! You've already got the NECK and GIZZARDS!!! | |
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| The joke thread...
Posted: 3/16/2008 4:51:52 PM | Three blonde guys go fishing on the American River. A game warden comes along and taps one of the guys on the shoulder and asked to see their fishing licenses. "We don't have any." replied the first blonde "Well if your going to fish, you need fishing licenses." said the game warden. "But officer," replied the second blonde, "we aren't fishing. We all have magnets at the ends of are lines and we're collecting debris off the bottom of the river." The game warden checked each line and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied to each line. "Well I know of no law against it," said the game warden, "take all the debris you want." With that the game warden left.
As soon as the game warden was out of sight, the 3 blonde guys started laughing hysterically. "What a dumb fish cop," the third blonde said to the other two, "doesn't he know there are STEELHEAD in this river!? | |
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| The joke thread...
Posted: 3/16/2008 8:42:32 PM | A man went to the hospital to have his wedding ring cut off from his
Hoohoo.
According to the Nurse attending, the patient's girl friend found the
Ring in his pants pocket and she got so mad at him, she used petroleum
Jelly to slip the ring on his hoohoo while he was asleep.
I don't know what's worse:
1) Having your girl friend find out you're married.
2) Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your hoohoo.
3) Or finding out your hoohoo fits through your wedding ring. | |
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GEQT
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Joined: 3/3/2008
Msg: 58 | |
| The joke thread...
Posted: 3/16/2008 10:50:48 PM | ^^ That's great!
A young boy went up to his father and asked him, 'Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?'
The father thought for a moment, then answered, 'Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.'
So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?' The mother replied, 'Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!'
The boy then went to his sister and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?' The girl replied, 'Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt! I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?'
The boy then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?' 'Of course,' the brother replied. 'Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?'
The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad. His father asked him, 'Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?'
The boy replied, 'Yes. Potentially , you and I are sitting on three million dollars, but Realistically , we're living with two hookers and a homo.' | |
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| The joke thread...
Posted: 3/16/2008 11:08:11 PM | Four nuns get killed in a car accident they all go before St. Peter.
"I must ask you a question before you enter the Pearly Gates", St. Peter said.
The 1st nun comes up, he asks, "Have you ever touched a penis?," she says, "Yes with my finger". St. Peter says, "Dip your finger in holy water, you may enter."
2nd nun comes up, he asks the same question, she says, "Yes with my hand", St. Peter says, "Dip your hand in holy water and you may enter.
3rd comes up he asks the same question, before she could answer, 4th nun pushes her out of the way and says, "St. Peter if you think I'm going to gargle that water after she dips her ass in it, then forget it". | |
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| The joke thread...
Posted: 3/17/2008 4:51:59 PM | A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"
"Of course. What may I do for you?"
"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday. The dryer is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes, perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you - I will not lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."
When they reached the Customs area, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked: "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father." | |
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| The joke thread...
Posted: 3/17/2008 5:21:53 PM | The 98 year old Mother Superior from Ireland was dying.
The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey
comfortable.
They gave her some warm milk to drink but she refused. Then one of the nuns
took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey
received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous
amount into the warm milk.
Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank
a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had drunk the
whole glass down to the last drop.
"Mother," the nuns asked with earnest, "please give us some wisdom before
you die."
She raised herself up in bed and with a pious look on her face said, "Don't
sell that cow." | |
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| The joke thread...
Posted: 3/17/2008 8:42:16 PM | THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA.
SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE BEEP STOPPED. THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY. "THAT WAS MY PAGER, SHE SAID. I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM."
A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR. WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, "THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE, I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND."
THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW-TECH. NOT TO BE OUT DONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM. SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER REAR END.
THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER. THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID....................." WELL, WELL LOOK AT THAT.....I'M GETTING A FAX!!" | |
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| The joke thread...
Posted: 3/18/2008 8:17:54 AM | A middle-aged woman decides to have a face-lift for her birthday. She
spends $5000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home
she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving she says to
the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 32," was the reply.
"I'm exactly 47, " the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl
"How old do you think I am?" "I guess about 29." The woman replies.
"Nope, I'm 47."
Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drugstore on
her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints
and asks the clerk this burning question.
The clerk, "Oh, I'd say 30."
Again she proudly responds, "I am 47, but thank you."
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man the same
question.
He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was
young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds kind
of forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra.
Then I can tell you exactly how old you are."
They waited in silence on the empty street until curiosity got the best
of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and under her bra and begins
to feel around very slowly and carefully. After a couple of minutes of this
she says, "Okay, okay, that's enough,.....how old am I?"
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands and says,
"Madam, you are 47."
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible,...how could you
possibly know that from a feel of my breasts?"
The old man replies, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's." | |
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| The joke thread...
Posted: 3/20/2008 2:15:12 PM | Bob went to a doctor and asked him if he ever laughed at a patient. The Doctor replied "Of course I won't laugh, I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."
"Okay then," Bob said, and proceeded to drop his t rousers, revealing the tiniest "hoo-ha" the doctor had ever seen.
It couldn't have been bigger than the size of a AAA battery.
Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell
laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his
feet and regain his composure.
"I'm so sorry," said the doctor. "I really am. I don't know what came
over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't
happen again. Now, what seems to be the problem?"
"It's swollen," Bob replied. | |
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| The joke thread...
Posted: 3/20/2008 2:31:26 PM | A guy sits down on an airplane and suddenly realizes that he is in for a long flight. So he asks the fellow sitting next to him if he would like to start a conversation to pass the time. The other guy says sure, why don’t we discuss physiology. The first guy agrees, then the second guy says, “but before we get started on that, I’ve always wanted to know something. Since they all have the same food source and eat the same things, why are rabbit droppings in little balls, deer droppings are clumps, and bear droppings are big piles?”
The first guy says, “Well, how do you expect to talk about physiology? It’s obvious you don’t know shit.” | |
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| The joke thread...
Posted: 3/20/2008 2:47:23 PM | At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a
portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three
black men totally naked sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had
black willies, but the one in the middle had a pink willie.
The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble
interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on for over
half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of
black men in a predominately white, patriarchal society. "In fact,"
he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink willie also
reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men
in contemporary society."
After the curator left, an Irishman, approached the couple and said, "Would
you like to know what the painting is really about?" "Now why would you
claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?" asked the
couple. "Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied. "In fact, there
are no black men depicted at all. They're just three Irish coal
miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch." | |
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| The joke thread...
Posted: 3/29/2008 11:49:02 AM | Recently President Bush said each one of us would get a $600.00 tax rebate.
It was previously slated to be $800.00, but they dropped it to a $600.00 tax
rebate because of various budget problems.
Now, if we spend that money at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to China; if
we spend it on computers, most of the money will go to Korea or India. If
we spend it on gasoline it will all go to the Arabs . . . and none of these
scenarios will help the American economy.
We need to keep that money here in America . . . so the only way to keep
that money here at home is to drink beer, gamble, or spend it on
prostitution. Currently it seems that these are the only businesses still
left in the U.S. | |
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| The joke thread...
Posted: 3/29/2008 1:34:31 PM | A son asked his mother the following question:
'Mom, why are wedding dresses white?'
The mother looks at her son and replies,
'Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.'
The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father.
'Dad why are wedding dresses white?'
The father looks at his son in surprise and says,
'Son, all household appliances come in white.'
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| The joke thread...
Posted: 3/31/2008 10:42:16 AM | In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white
male, in a pumpkin patch 11:38 p.m. on Friday night.
On Monday, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged
with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public
intoxication.
The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way
home from a drinking session when he decided to stop, "You know how a
pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for
miles or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around" he stated in a
telephone interview.
Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road,
picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut
a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged 'need.' "Guess I
was really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.
In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an
approaching police car and was unaware of his audience until officer
Brenda Taylor approached him.
"It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said officer Taylor.
"I walked up to Lawrence and he's just banging away at this pumpkin."
Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached
Lawrence.
"I said, "Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with
a pumpkin?"
He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he
looked me straight in the face and said...
"A pumpkin? Shit...is it midnight already?" | |
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| The joke thread...
Posted: 3/31/2008 11:44:20 AM | Werner Heisenberg is driving down a street when he gets pulled over by
a traffic cop.
The cop asks, "Buddy, do you know how fast you were going?"
Heisenberg replies, "No, but I know *precisely* where I am!" | |
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| The joke thread...
Posted: 3/31/2008 10:54:34 PM | The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate
father to start their family. On the day the surrogate father was to
arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be
here soon" Half an hour later, just by chance a door-to-door baby
photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
"Good morning, madam. I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good. I've made a speciality of
babies"
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat"
After a moment, she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the
couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is
fun too; you can really spread out!"
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me"
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But, if we
try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven different
angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results"
"My, that's a lot of....." gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in
and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure"
"Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith said quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his
baby pictures.
"This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London"
"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their
mother was so difficult to work with"
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job
done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get
a good look"
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes," the photographer said, "And for more than three hours too. The
mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate.
Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the
squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean squirrels actually chewed on your,
um......equipment?"
"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so we
can get to work."
"Tripod?????"
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for
me to hold for very long. Madam? Madam? ....... Good Lord, she's
fainted!!"
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| The joke thread...
Posted: 4/22/2008 10:09:09 AM | Dear Abby,
I am a 60-year-old woman who is married to a man who acts like he hates me.
In public, he pretends he loves me and talks about how wonderful I am.
But in private, he shakes his finger in my face and calls me the 'B' word.
He constantly tells me how ugly I am without make-up. I've tried
everything, including a face-lift, botox treatments, and a chin tuck. I even went on a
diet and lost 20 pounds.
He quit his job a few years ago after having an affair with a woman in his
office. He hasn't even looked for another job. We haven't slept together since I
confronted him about the affair. He denied it, of course, but everybody knew it. It
was humiliating.
I believe he is still messing around. While we both want to sell this house,
we argue constantly about when to put it on the market. The house we want will be
available in a few months. My husband wants to put our house on the market now. I
think we should wait a while. He has already started collecting boxes and packing up
his stuff.
Do you think he is planning to leave me?
Signed,
Worried in NY
Dear Worried in NY:
I doubt it.
He wants to move back into the White House as much as you do.  | |
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| The joke thread...
Posted: 4/22/2008 7:00:22 PM | Bill was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was REALLY angry.
She told him, "To make up for your thoughtlessness, tomorrow morning I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less then 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"
The next morning Bill got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. It wasn't as large as she expected but she put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, confident the box probably contained a set of keys.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bill has been missing since Friday.
Please pray for him. | |
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| The joke thread...
Posted: 4/22/2008 10:19:03 PM | A mushroom walks into a bar.
The bartender says "We don't serve your type here"
The mushroom replies "Why not, I'm a fungi"  | |
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| The joke thread...
Posted: 4/23/2008 9:45:18 PM | THE JOYS OF MARRIAGE
Three women, one engaged, one married and one a mistress, were chatting about their relationships and decided to amaze their men. They agreed that night all three would wear black leather bras, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes.
After a few days they met for lunch.
The engaged woman: The other night when my boyfriend came over, he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, "You are the woman of my life. I love you." Then we made love all night long..
The mistress: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night.
The married woman: I sent the kids to stay at my mother's house for the night. When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said, "Hey, what's for dinner, Batman?" | |
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