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| The joke thread...
Posted: 9/5/2008 11:14:17 AM | For those that don't know about history ... Here is a condensed version:
Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.
The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:
1. Liberals, and
2. Conservatives.
Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.
Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.
Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girlie-men. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.
Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.
Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.
Conservatives drink domestic beer, mostly Bud and Coors. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, members of the military, airline pilots and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America . They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.
Here ends today's lesson in world history:
It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it.
A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers and to more liberals just to tick them off.
And there you have it. | |
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| The joke thread...
Posted: 9/5/2008 5:12:07 PM | Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women.
...and soon ruled the earth. Enticing the conservative men into a beer-soaked stupor long enough to snip off their vestigial 3rd nut.
When sober (millenium later), there was heard a great wailing and gnashing of conservative teeth. This explains the predilection of conservative men to walk with a distinct pitch to the right....and the breeding of similarly scrotally-challenged offspring.
That's Her-story.
The end. | |
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| The joke thread...
Posted: 9/5/2008 6:34:23 PM | Whats 12 inches long and hangs in front of an ***hole?
George Bushs' tie!
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| The joke thread...
Posted: 9/5/2008 6:56:48 PM | Siren's Call, you go, girl!!!
And, Sock, you'd think after all those thousands of years of Conservative beer-swilling, they'd have figured out the Coors and Bud are only called beer out of courtesy. Watery, thin, tasteless, but the ad campaigns have succeeded quite well in convincing the admittedly weak-minded and easily led Conservatives that they are the acceptable right-wing brew for the mass of the unthinking led by the unknowing. Why bother to think when****Cheney has already done it for you? | |
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| The joke thread...
Posted: 9/5/2008 11:34:14 PM | Siren’s Call
Snipping off any man’s um, ah, well, you know… vestigial or otherwise, is a crime against nature. Eve did it in the Garden of Eden (don’t buy that talking snake and apple story… back then Real Women didn’t eat apples—they made pies with them) to Adam, then look what happened. It was history’s first alimony award, and thousands of years later the contemporary ones are just as bad.
OldFolkie
You’re right about Bud and Coors being watery, light weight sissy beers, but we’ve got the liberals merely believing that conservatives drink that swill. Secretly, conservatives drink Stella Atrois, and St. Pauli Girl, and Hofbrau just like the supposedly “progressive” liberals do, but we just don’t want to be confused with Prius-driving, Birkenstock-wearing, pay cash for redemption of carbon footprint excess, global-warming-is-mans-fault Nancy Boy liberals. The last thing any self-respecting conservative would admit to doing is sharing the tastes of a “rich people who can afford to drink real beer are elite swine who oppress the working class heroes” loopy-headed tax and spend save the salamander droid.
And Cheney is among the Real Real Men—he drinks single malt scotch, not beer. | |
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| The joke thread...
Posted: 9/6/2008 12:15:39 AM | Cheney can afford the single-malts. His profits from his stock holdings in Halliburton have made him a very wealthy man. Of course it's just a coincidence that Halliburton (he was the CEO before he became George's puppeteer), has made billions from the war that Cheney fomented.
Nancy Boy Liberal
(my beer preference is Obsidian Bitters, an Oregon microbrew).
"Have you hugged a tree today?" | |
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| The joke thread...
Posted: 9/6/2008 10:35:41 PM | A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she
was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up
to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"
"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"
"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back that have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble."
"I'd be happy to," said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered
into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of
San Diego when suddenly he was horrified!! There was the blonde walking
down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the
amusement of a big crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde. What the heck are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."
"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde," but we had money left over---so now we're going to Sea World." | |
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| The joke thread...
Posted: 9/8/2008 4:48:17 PM | A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course became confused as to where he was on the course.
Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him.
He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew
What hole he was playing. 'I'm on the 7th hole,' she replied, 'and you
Are a hole behind me. So you must be on the 6th hole.'
He thanked her and went back to his golf.
On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached her again
With the same request.
'I'm on number 14, and you're still a hole behind, so you must be on the
13th hole.'
Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.
He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same
Lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew
The lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the
Course often.
He approached her and said, 'Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for
Your help. I understand that you're in the sales profession. I'm in
Sales also. What do you sell?'
'I'll tell you, but you're going to laugh,' she replied.
'No, I won't.'
'Well, if you must know,' she answered, 'I work for Tampax.'
With that, he laughed so hard he lost his balance and fell off the bar Stool.
'See,' she said. 'I knew you'd laugh!'
'That's not what I'm laughing at,' he replied, 'I'm a salesman for
Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you.' | |
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| The joke thread...
Posted: 9/10/2008 12:54:58 AM | A blonde, brunette, and a red head are sitting around talking one day, about a talk show about being prego.
The brunette says, my husband and i had sex missionary, so were going to have a boy!
The red head says, well my husband and i had sex with me on top,so were going to have a girl!
The blonde starts to cry, she said, im going to have puppies! | |
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| The joke thread...
Posted: 9/10/2008 1:15:25 AM | ^ jsmithe. You didn't care for No. 42 on page 2?
Anyway,
A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red "H" on her chest and asks, "How did you get that mark on your chest?"
"Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies. "I guess it just leaves an impression."
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue "Y" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor.
"Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green "M" on her stomach. "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor.
"No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin. Why do you ask?" | |
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| The joke thread...
Posted: 9/18/2008 5:02:14 PM | Ready for an update in your language skills???????????????
Due to the climate of "political correctness" now pervading America,
Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be
referred to as 'HILLBILLIES.'
You must now refer to us as "APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS".
And furthermore ....
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She is a 'BREASTED AMERICAN.'
2. She is not a 'SCREAMER' or a 'MOANER' - She is 'VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.'
3. She is not 'EASY' - She is 'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.'
4. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' - She is a 'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF
THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.'
5. She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a 'PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.'
6. She is not an 'AIRHEAD' - She is 'REALITY IMPAIRED.'
7. She does not get 'DRUNK' or 'TIPSY' - She gets 'CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED'
8. She does not have 'BREAST IMPLANTS' - She is 'MEDICALLY ENHANCED.'
9. She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes 'VERBALLY REPETITIVE.'
10. She is not a 'TRAMP' - She is 'SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.'
11. She does not have 'MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS' - She is 'PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.'
12. She is not a 'TWO-BIT HOOKER' - She is a 'LOW COST PROVIDER.'
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. He does not have a 'BEER GUT' - He has developed a 'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.'
2. He is not a 'BAD DANCER' - He is 'OVERLY CAUCASIAN.'
3. He does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He 'INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.'
4. He is not 'BALDING' - He is in 'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.'
5. He is not a 'CRADLE ROBBER' - He prefers 'GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.'
6. He does not get 'FALLING-DOWN DRUNK' - He becomes 'ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.'
7. He does not act like a 'TOTAL ASS' - He develops a case of 'RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.'
8 He is not a 'MALE CHAUVINIST PIG' - He has 'SWINE EMPATHY.'
9. He is not afraid of 'COMMITMENT' - He is 'RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED.'
10. He is not 'HORNY' - He is 'SEXUALLY FOCUSED.'
11. It's not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants - It's 'REAR CLEAVAGE'
Please use your best judgment when referring to these people to make it more comfortable for the rest of us. | |
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| The joke thread...
Posted: 5/21/2009 8:55:30 PM | The whole joke takes too much energy. So instead, please let me just say:
Show up naked, bring beer. ......and in reality, the beer is optional too.
Anyone else have a punchline tonight also?
**chirping from crickets fills the air** | |
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| The joke thread...
Posted: 5/21/2009 9:01:58 PM | For all those guys who are King, until their wife gets home.
Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a
stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."
"Oh yeah?" said Charlie. "And how did this one end?"
"When it was over," Mike replied, "she came to me on her hands and
knees."
"Really? Now that's a switch! What did she say?"
She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken-shit.
As for the beer gut, you know when you have a great tool you have to build a shed over it. | |
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| The joke thread...
Posted: 5/21/2009 10:12:11 PM | An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see..Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!
The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older Woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too! | |
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| The joke thread...
Posted: 5/22/2009 1:19:28 PM | What do you call a brunette in a room full of blondes?
Invisible
What is the brunette's mating call?
"Has the blonde left yet?"
What do you call a brunette who gets a call on a Saturday night?
Startled! | |
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| The joke thread...
Posted: 8/11/2009 5:34:09 PM | WHERE TO RETIRE?
You can retire to PHOENIX, ARIZONA where......
1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
2. You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!
You can retire to CALIFORNIA where...
1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought.
You can retire to NEW YORK CITY where...
1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan ....
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is "nature."
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
5. You've worn out a car horn. (Ed note: if you have a car)
You can retire to MAINE where...
1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco .
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.
You can retire to the DEEP SOUTH where...
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. "Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3. "He needed killin'" is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.
5. Everything is either "in yonder," "over yonder" or "out yonder." It's important to know the difference, too.
You can retire to COLORADO where...
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and so he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.
You can retire to the MIDWEST where...
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"
AND You can retire to FLORIDA where..
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4.. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.
And I (Boomer) added these from my 2 year experience in Fairbanks:
You can retire to ALASKA where...................
1. You wear a parka and boots that can take you to 50 degrees below zero and keep you toasty warm
2. You carry a heavy duty long extension cord in your trunk so you can plug in your car when you go to bed at night, while you are at work, visiting friends or shopping in town.
3. There are 3 seasons, Winter, Break-up and Construction
4. You have more recipes for moose than you do for beef.
5. You can't see the stars in the sky at night because it never gets dark enough
6. You have played or watched a baseball game at midnight without any lights on in the stadium or field.
7. You have seen the sun set and rise again in a 2 hour period on the same night
8. You drive your snowmobile to Wal-mart to go shopping.
9. You are more afraid of hitting a moose while driving than you are of drunk drivers
10. You refer to the rest of the country as the "Lower 48"...
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| The joke thread...
Posted: 8/11/2009 8:40:56 PM | A priest is hearing confessions in the church
An old man walks in and says "father, my name is Saul Rabinowitz. I am 85 years old and I am fornicating with a 25 year old girl"
The priest says "But Mr. Rabinowitz, you are Jewish, why are you telling me this?"
The man says "Heck father, I'm telling everyone!" | |
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| The joke thread...
Posted: 8/11/2009 8:44:22 PM | A man walks into a bar in Arkansas. Everyone stops talking and you can hear a pin drop.
The bartender says "You ain't from these here parts are you boy?"
The man says "As a matter of fact I am from Ohio"
The bartender says "what do you do in Ohio?"
The man says "I am a taxidermist"
The bartender says "What the heck is a taxidermist?"
The man says "I mount animals"
The bartender says "He's OK boys. He's one of us!" | |
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| The joke thread...
Posted: 8/11/2009 9:12:10 PM | Ah....Monta-a-a-a-a-na....
Where men are men, and the sheep are nervous..... | |
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| The joke thread...
Posted: 8/13/2009 6:27:30 PM | Two soldiers lay hiding in a trench. Soldier #1 and Soldier #2 are starving, and notice a bloated carcass of a cow with more flies on it than Heaven could hold. S#1 says to S#2, "dude, I'm going to eat it!" S#2 says "man, you don' t have anything to cook it!" S#1 ignore S#2, and eats the carcass. That night, S#1 is now sick, and says "dude, I'm going to hurl!" S#2 grabs his helmet to catch the spew, and says "AT LAST, A HOT MEAL!" 
Yeah, it's disgusting, but I thank my Army buddies for this one. | |
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| Pearls of Wisdom from Men
Posted: 10/21/2009 2:22:12 PM | Pearls of Wisdom from Men
1. When I was born, I was given a choice - A big****or a good memory. I don't remember what I chose.
2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.
4. Impotence: Nature's way of saying 'No hard feelings'
5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men -'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.
6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.
7.There are three stages of sex in a man's life:
Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.
8. Virginity is not dignity, its lack of opportunity.
9. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
10. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small.
11. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.
12. Q: What's an Australian kiss?
A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.
13. A couple just married was happy with the whole thing.
He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing
14. Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a mans life?
A: Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn't.
15. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.
16. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives!! | |
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| Pearls of Wisdom from Men
Posted: 11/1/2009 11:31:19 AM | Barack Obama and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their
tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.
Some hours later, Tonto woke the president and said,"Kemo bro, look
towards sky, what you see?"
Obama replied, "I see millions of stars."
"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.
Obama pondered for a minute then said, "Astronomically speaking, it
tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of
planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise,
it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning.
Theologically, Mother Nature is all-powerful and we are small and
insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day
tomorrow. What's' it tell you, Tonto?"
Tonto says, "Obama, you dumber than buffalo sh1t. It means somebody
stole the tent." | |
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| Pearls of Wisdom from Men
Posted: 11/1/2009 4:13:36 PM | My new favs......
BREAKING NEWS: This just in!!!
Obama wins the Heisman Trophy after watching a college football game!!!
I love the Cash for Clunkers programs, it took all the cars with Obama stickers off the road. | |
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| Pearls of Wisdom from Men
Posted: 11/1/2009 9:32:31 PM | 
I have nothing to add at this time other than that last post was hilarious | |
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