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| Pearls of Wisdom from Men
Posted: 11/1/2009 10:23:18 PM | Here are the top ten candidates for best country song title of the past ten years, and how a panel of judges recently ranked them--
Top Ten Country Western Songs.
10. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine
9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman But I Woke Up With
A Few
8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me
7. I've Missed You, But My Aim's Improvin'
6. Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Scared She'd Win
5. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here
4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Miss Him
3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger
2. She's Lookin' Better with Every Beer
And the Number One Country & Western song title was ...
1. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My A$$ All Day Long | |
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| Pearls of Wisdom from Men
Posted: 11/3/2009 6:27:54 PM | ^Those are real "groaners. " Esp. #8 
CALMNESS IN OUR LIVES
I am passing this on to you because it definitely works and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives. By following simple advice heard on the Oprah show, you too can find inner peace. Dr. Oz proclaimed, 'The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and have never finished.'
So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Tequila, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos, and a box of chocolates. You have no idea how freaking good I feel right now.
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| Pearls of Wisdom from Men
Posted: 11/5/2009 10:07:01 PM | The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him
at 5:0 0 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE ), he wrote on a piece of paper,
'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him,
when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.  | |
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| Pearls of Wisdom from Men
Posted: 11/6/2009 4:53:56 PM | Retired Husband
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women-she loved to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target.
Dear Mrs. Johnson,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr.Samsel, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
And last, but not least:
15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out. | |
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| Pearls of Wisdom from Men
Posted: 11/8/2009 7:42:51 PM | 3 wise men, brothers who lived together in the woods peacefully, were pleased at a visit from their nephew and they prepared a feast. 1st wise man baked a loaf of bread. 2nd wise sliced a wheel of cheese. 3rd wise man loaded the feast and two bottles of wine onto their boat. The 4 men got into the boat and headed out to their favorite spot in the shade to fish.
1st wise man said, "oh! we've forgotten the knife!" He stood up in the boat, stepped out into the water and walked back to their cabin in the woods to fetch the knife. When he'd returned, the 2nd wise man said, "oh! we've forgotten the mustard," whereupon the 3rd wise man said, "allow me, brother!" and walked out across the water to the cabin to fetch the mustard. When he'd returned, he said, "oh! we need wine glasses!"
The nephew was thinking he was surely as wise as his uncles and, as such could surely also walk on water. He said, "allow me, uncles!" and steped confidently into the water. His entire body fell below the pond's surface and his uncles pulled him out of the water as he choked, caughed and gasped for air.
He said, "no! I can do this!" He again stepped onto the water and, again, fell beneath the surface. The 3 uncles look at each other and one says, "maybe we should SHOW HIM where the stepping stones are!" | |
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| Pearls of Wisdom from Men
Posted: 11/8/2009 7:49:41 PM | Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them,
"I must tell you all something. We have just discovered a case of gonorrhea in the
convent."
"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of
chardonnay." | |
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| Cowboy Gets Three Wishes
Posted: 11/11/2009 6:30:52 AM | It was spring in the old west. The cowboys rode the still snow-choked trails looking for cattle that survived the winter. As one cowboy's horse went around the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake warming itself in the spring sunshine.
The horse reared and the cowboy drew his six-gun to shoot the snake. "Hold on there, partner," said the snake, "don't shoot - I'm an enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don't shoot me, I'll give you any three wishes you want."
The cowboy decided to take a chance. He knew he was safely out of the snake's striking range. He said, "Okay, first, I'd like to have a face like Clark Gable, then, I'd like a build like Arnold Schwarzenegger, and finally, I'd like sexual equipment like this here horse I'm riding."
The rattlesnake said, "All right, when you get back to the bunk house you'll have all three wishes." The cowboy turned his horse around and galloped at full speed all the way to the bunk house. He dismounted on the run and went straight inside to the mirror.
Staring back at him in the mirror was the face of Clark Gable. He ripped the shirt off his back and revealed bulging, rippling muscles, just like Arnold Schwarzenegger. Really excited now, he tore down his jeans, looked at his crotch and shouted, "Oh my God, I was riding the mare!" | |
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| Cowboy Gets Three Wishes
Posted: 11/11/2009 8:45:41 AM | | Little Billy swallowed a handful of coins. His mother rushed him to the hospital and informed her husband. When her husband called the hospital, he asked the nurse 'how is little Billy?" She said there is no change yet! | |
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| The Deaf Bookkeeper
Posted: 11/11/2009 2:31:20 PM | One day, Don Giovanni Bastone finds out his bookkeeper, Tony Testadura, has cheated him out of $10 million. Tony is deaf--which is why he got the job in the first place. Bastone figured he couldn't talk about what he'd never heard, if the feds ever wanted him to testify in court.
So Don Giovanni calls up Tony's cousin, Vinny Battecoscie the lawyer, who knows sign language. "Come to my office. Now. We got business." When Vinny arrives, Don Giovanni has him bring deaf Tony in, too. Then he turns to Vinny and says, "Ask your scumbag cousin what he did with the ten million bucks he embezzled from me."
Vinny signs to the bookkeeper, "OK, Tony, look--Don Giovanni says you stole ten million dollars from him." And Tony signs back, "Tell Mr. Bastone, please, I swear to God, I'd never do a thing like that--there must be a mistake." Vinny tells him, "Don Giovanni, he says there must be some mistake, because as God's his witness, he doesn't know anything about it."
So Don Giovanni opens a drawer and pulls out a pistol. He goes over to deaf Tony, puts it right at his temple, and says, "Now--ask this smart guy again." Vinny the lawyer is desperate. He turns to his cousin and starts signing, frantically, "Hey Tone, it's me, Vinny, talking to you here! You gotta listen to me, Tony--for God's sake, please! It just ain't worth it! You tell him--and real quick--where that money is, or he's going to waste you right here!"
Deaf Tony raises his shaking hands and signs back, "OK! OK! Please, please--I made a mistake--I couldn't help it--I don't wanna die!! The money . . . it's in a brown . . . briefcase. It's buried behind the shed in cousin Louie's backyard . . . in Queens!"
The Don, still holding the pistol at deaf Tony's head, looks over at Vinny and says, "Well? What's smart boy here got to say?"
Vinny the lawyer shakes his head, frustrated, and replies, "Ah . . . Don Giovanni, please . . . I hate to say this--and it's my crazy fool cousin deaf Tony talking here, not me, please understand. But . . . he says--and these are his very words, I swear--"You don't have the stones to pull that trigger, you fat greaseball!" | |
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| Tequila Christmas Cake
Posted: 11/11/2009 3:51:16 PM | For those who like to start their Christmas baking early, here is a Christmas Cake recipe for you:
Tequila Christmas Cake
Ingredients:
1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup of brown sugar
Lemon juice
4 large eggs
Nuts
1 bottle tequila
2 cups of dried fruit
Sample the tequila to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the tequila
again. To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and
drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a
large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point
it's best to make sure the tequila is still OK. Try another cup... just in
case. Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and
chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
Pick the fruit up off floor. Mix on the turner. If the fried
druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the lequita to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt.
Or something. Check the tequila. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your
nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can
find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall
over. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through
the window. Finish the tequila and wipe counter with the cat. 
CHERRY MISTMAS! | |
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| Tequila Christmas Cake
Posted: 11/11/2009 4:49:09 PM | omG...boomer!!^^^     Loved that!! laughed so hard i snorted and scared the cat..... | |
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