| Safety on a First Meet.
Posted: 2/24/2008 6:32:19 PM |
We are about 1/2 way there - and he pulls over on the shoulder, gets out and says to me that he was thinking about all the time we could have had talking and getting to know one another during the drive there if I would have agreed to get in his car and was upset that I didn't trust him enough to get in his car. I said it is a saftey thing for a woman on a first meet.
He says then he wants to cancel the date right then and there - - -after I drove all the way out west and then halfway back southeast!!!! I couldn't believe it!
Oh lord... you met a LIVE one.  Just imagine if you'd said something that annoyed him at dinner and he left you there.... with your car still parked a half hour away. This is EXACTLY why you always use your own transportation. 
I then told him that Ted Bundy was so successful as a serial killer because he looked normal, and was so personable and nice to the women he lured.
Not to mention that I HAVE heard a few stories about serial killers who use online dating services to target victims. No way of knowing if it's true or not, but it's certainly a possibility.
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| Safety on a First Meet.
Posted: 2/24/2008 6:44:08 PM | absolutely the right thing. I just had a guy after Christmas that couldn't understand why he couldn't come to my place being that "it was raining" and "it would be more comfortable".... We met at a coffee shop but then he tried the guilt routine like "he's never had someone turn him down like that", ...."be afraid of him". blah blah blah. Needless to say, we didn't see each other again.
I agree with Bry395 and other's that have agreed on here..it's a public place or thanks, but no thanks, and btw, cars are not public places. | |
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| Safety on a First Meet.
Posted: 2/24/2008 6:52:22 PM | I believe safety begins BEFORE the date.....I NEVER meet a man who I have not talked with on the phone and have their number. It is a HUGE red flag when the caller ID is restricted. Ladies...we can't be naive...there is something they are hiding....at the very least they are married.
Also.....I never go to the bathroom during a meal and return to drink the same drink....A friend of mine was given a date rape drug and it was not pretty.
Absolutely...you did the right thing! :-) Safety always comes first and any respectable man will appreciate you for it! | |
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| Safety on a First Meet.
Posted: 2/24/2008 6:54:45 PM | OP- I posted something similar on a thread last night.
For a first meet, I always insist it be somewhere public. I also make sure to meet him there rather than have either one of us pick the other one up. And... most importantly, whenever I meet someone for the first time, I make sure at least one of my friends knows exactly where I'm going and when I expect to be back (I usually keep first meets fairly short). You did exactly the right thing.
There will always be guys who are offended if you don't want to ride in a car with them or meet at their house right away. I'm sorry, but the way our world is, that kind of meeting just isn't safe (or smart, for that matter) to me. To have a man insist that he pick me up or we meet at his house is just creepy, in my opinion. I'm sure there are plenty of "nice guys" out there, but all of us, women and men, need to be cautious when meeting someone new, whether we meet them online or in real life. You never know what might happen. I'd rather be safe and take the risk of offending someone rather than risk my own well being. | |
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| Safety on a First Meet.
Posted: 2/24/2008 7:01:48 PM | We do have this intuition about us that says if something doesn't feel right and often times if we don't follow it, something goes wrong.
I don't think it was very mature on his part to even ask you to ride with him and if being polite was what he tried to be, he shouldn't have gotten angry about your refusal. Nowadays noone can be sure of anyone. I do think that if you had more information to back up the things he prior told you then you possibly would have felt more comfortable about riding with him.
I agree with you that being in an area that you are not familiar with and also meeting someone for the first time we need to be cautious. Its obvious that he shouldn't have questioned your judgement. I do think he put you in the position to be suspicious of him by complaining about your decision. It does seem he didn't think you had the right to say how things were gonna be at that meeting as if he wanted you to feel vulnerable to him.
I think what you did is right. I am glad you are still here to tell about it.. :) | |
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| Safety on a First Meet.
Posted: 2/25/2008 5:20:11 AM | it could be that he was just making an excuse to get out of the date by saying all that stuff, maybe once he'd met you he just didn't feel an attraction
it could be that he did have plans to abduct/etc you and was upset that you hadn't allowed that to happen by getting in his car (although, pulling you over to the side of a wooded road if there were no other cars around, could have allowed the same thing.. just not with as much privacy...)
it could be that he's controlling and if something's not done his way he sulks and won't accept something done any other way, or that he wanted to manipulate you by making you feel you were in the wrong to cede to his demands, or maybe he's just egocentric and felt mortally offended by your lack of trust in him; all his insecurity issues were challenged...
i think there could be any number of reasons to explain why he acted the way he did, but i'd say that overall you got off lightly - to find out that he's not the man you want to be with, even before the first date really happened | |
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Avelia
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Joined: 2/18/2008
Msg: 32 | |
| Safety on a First Meet.
Posted: 2/25/2008 6:01:04 AM | You did the right thing and if he's so sensitive about it...well maybe he has really got somethings to hide!
EEEEEEEEEvvvvven if he turns out to be Mr. Ideal Bachelor, when it comes to gambling with your life, I would rather live a long and healthy (albeit single) life than to have it ended short ...and still alone. | |
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| Safety on a First Meet.
Posted: 2/25/2008 6:18:03 AM | | It almost sounds as if he had more than just a casual date planned otherwise he would have been alot more understanding to the fact that you were thinking of your safety, you did the right thing without a doubt, you could have got into his car and he could have done anything to you and it wouldnt have been a simple story on here it could have been a police statement. It would be nice to know how many other women did get into his car and what the outcome was......... | |
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| Safety on a First Meet.
Posted: 2/25/2008 6:22:57 AM | Ocean...you did everything right......i would have done the same thing.....I think of my own safety first and foremost when I meet anyone online. If they wont meet me in a public place, then that is a huge red flag for me.
I often wonder about these guys that are insistent on going to their house for a first date......I always say no thanks. I dont feel safe to have someone come to my house on a first date either........I dont know what they are thinking when they suggest that, and then you always get the argument...I am not going to hurt you, etc.....
Dont fret about this guy.......he doesnt sound like much of a keeper to cancel the date before you even got there because you wouldnt ride in the car with him.
good luck , keep fishing | |
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| Safety on a First Meet.
Posted: 2/25/2008 8:10:14 AM | | You did the right thing, you own safety is the most important thing and because he got all stroppy it shows what an a--e he was. Well done | |
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| Safety on a First Meet.
Posted: 2/25/2008 8:21:15 AM | LADIES, LADIES, LADIES..............whilst i do aggree meeting up in a public place is better for all concerned please dont judge or assume ALL men are monsters and nutters and rapists.
it is always better to play safe.
even if a woman ( on a first date ) asked me back to her place for that coffee i would flatly turn her down, the truth tho is when its a woman doing the asking ( and society thinks that all predators are male) and a guy turns HER down then he is either not interested in her or must be a closet gay.
the fact that i would turn a womans offer down is for just that reason...that IAM interested in HER and not just for quickies.
OP ( and.......other women.) the fact that that guy was a total knobhead does not mean ALL men are the same.
please give some of us a break.
anyway safety IS paramount for both sexes. | |
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| Safety on a First Meet.
Posted: 2/25/2008 8:40:55 AM | OP you made the right call sticking by your gut, I have no idea why a guy would be so insistent that you ride in his car. Like other posters suggested, next time just meet at a pre-designated bar/restaurant and leave it at that...
I feel sorry for women that they have to worry about this kind of crap, and thank the Big Guy Upstairs I was born a man, life certainly seems a tad easier when you're bigger & stronger... Not that I couldn't still be assaulted by a woman mind you (if she's armed), but it's not something I've ever really worried about...
Best of luck to all and be safe, though don't become a prisoner of your own fear!   | |
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| Safety on a First Meet.
Posted: 2/25/2008 10:06:58 AM | Tips for first meetings:
1- Meet your date during the daylight or late afternoon. Meeting for first time at night could be dangerous and uncomfortable.
2- Avoid meeting at restaurants, concerts,movie theaters and other places where we spend money. There is always the possibility of "financial compatibility", if you guys know what I mean :)
3- Drive your own car. If you are female do not get in your date's car, unless it is parked and the motor is not running. If you want to get in his car, at least make him greet you outside, then both of you get in and handle your "businesses":). | |
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| Safety on a First Meet.
Posted: 2/25/2008 12:01:44 PM | Your problem began, before your problem began.
would you get in the car with someone in a convience store parking lot out in the middle of almost nowhere?
No. I think I would have agreed upon the restaurant to begin with, before leaving the house.
Never meet in a parking lot or a convenient store. Who cares where the restaurant is, it's a familiar place. First dates should be neutral and in very public, with people type of places. If that meant he drove closer to you, but a populated area, so be it.
Anyway, in the end your instincts proved to be very good. | |
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| Safety on a First Meet.
Posted: 2/25/2008 12:14:26 PM | I backed out of a meeting recently. Creepy guy wanted to meet at his house.
As if...!!?!  | |
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| Safety on a First Meet.
Posted: 2/25/2008 12:33:30 PM | compactdisc, I don't think anyone is accusing all men of being monsters, nutters, and rapists. The problem is that the 0.5% of the men out there that ARE complete nutters has ruined it for the other 99.5% of men. After all, it just takes one man to rape and kill a woman.
And guys, remember, women are not the only ones who can be raped and killed. You guys need to watch your drinks too. | |
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| Safety on a First Meet.
Posted: 2/25/2008 12:36:22 PM |
Now here's the question girls - he said many of the women he met online got in the car with him a the first meet date and I was the first one who wouldn't. .
^^^^^^^^^^^ That's crazy....no sane woman would jump in a car with a man they have never met..I think he was telling you a lot of BS....still trying to lure you into the car.
What would you do on so little contact and on a first meet? Would you get in the car with someone in a convience store parking lot out in the middle of almost nowhere?
I felt he was crazy for being insulted that I chose to be cautious.
What do you think?
^^^^^^^^^^^^^You did the right thing and congratulations to you for standing your ground.
Somehow....i get the feeling, that it was his plan to get you in his car from the beginning.
Myself.....I would never ask this of a woman and i would never jump in the car of a woman I first met as well..
Safety and common sense comes first. | |
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| Safety on a First Meet.
Posted: 2/25/2008 2:14:45 PM | compact disc
I agree that all men are not like this one and don't hold it against men in general. I just couldn't understand that in this day and age he got insulted that I thought of my safety first. He said that once I saw him I should 'see that he was safe'.
What does 'safe' look like I wonder?
I also know most men understand the reason we women have to first and foremost feel safe in order to feel comfortable enough to enjoy our date, especally a first one.
And yes, safety is paramount for both genders. | |
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| Safety on a First Meet.
Posted: 2/25/2008 2:20:37 PM | From now on I will Outmind. I was trying to be nice by meeting halfway and didn't know the area well enough to suggest a restaurant. Next time I will have my date meet me in a familar, more public place than a convience store, even if the ride isn't even.
I consider myself lucky to have dodged a bullet so to speak. | |
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| Safety on a First Meet.
Posted: 2/25/2008 2:48:28 PM | Living over an hour away, you swimming upstream right there. Generally if I want to meet a woman who lives that far away, as a guy I ask that she select the venue, something somewhat close to her, familiar to her.
I recall only twice meeting a lady somewhere and us driving somewhere for the date. The first time the lady suggested going together in my car. I would never have suggested that. The second time I actually met the woman at her apartment building--she suggested that as well, I would have never suggested that. The first time, the lady was fantastic; the second time, the lady was a bit of a nutcase.
It sounds like you met a toad, Ocean. Here's hoping for your next internet date, you knock one out of the park! | |
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| Safety on a First Meet.
Posted: 2/25/2008 2:58:17 PM | There is another side to this issue as well. Men can so easily be unjustly accused of rape, and the accusation alone can ruin their whole life. The only way a man can protect himself from that scenario is not to be alone in a car (or other private location) with a woman he does not know. She could be a nutcase, as much as he could be. Yes, guys can be raped, robbed, murdered, etc. but they can also be made to suffer for the rest of their lives by one unbalanced woman.
Men: Never drive your female babysitter home alone. Have your female date drive her home or if there is no one else to drive her, call her a cab. I have known two men who were falsely accused, one by a female babysitter, and one by a woman on a first date. A man will never recover personally or financially from this situation.
So ladies, you can always use that as a reason too. "Let's both play it safe by not being in the same car till we know each other better. After all, I could be a crazy lunatic you know." That might make him think about it differently, and not take it personally. | |
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| Safety on a First Meet.
Posted: 2/25/2008 9:47:49 PM | Who really cares if he takes it personally? If something like that is going to hurt his feelings, just imagine when something harsh happens.
This guy was either a lunatic or a big whiny baby, either way Im glad youre safe, OP. | |
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| Safety on a first meet.
Posted: 2/26/2008 1:33:04 AM | I rarely stoop to name-calling, but this guy's an idiot and a fool. And he obviously doesn't care much about you and how you feel. You are so fortunate to have had this come out in your first meeting. While I can see that it might be a little hurtful to a man for a woman to refuse to get in the car with him, he has to remember the day and age we live in. It just ain't smart to get in the car with a man you don't know! And, men, I don't even think it's smart for y'all to want us to, not with all the false rape and assault charges being filed and the identity theft, etc.
I have gotten in the car with someone I just met on two occasions. Both times, my dates were police officers, we had talked quite a bit on-line and by phone, AND I knew someone who knew them, so I was comfortable going somewhere with them. | |
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| Safety on a first meet.
Posted: 2/26/2008 2:34:35 AM | Re the Opost:
"....What would you do on so little contact and on a first meet? Would you get in the car with someone in a convience store parking lot out in the middle of almost nowhere? I felt he was crazy for being insulted that I chose to be cautious.
What do you think?..."
I think that it depends on the case and local circumstances/dynamics regarding crime.
Whereas I was not there to have full details of the exact circumstances or local dynamics, I must say that I do not see why many women (and men) who are concerned re dating security not bother to take up martial arts training. They seem like a good investment in safety and not only dating related in many countries, especially most of the US. In the country I am in now, the OP's decision might have been viewed as excessive and the guy's not, but as I said, the criteria are local and not "universal". | |
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| Safety on a First Meet.
Posted: 2/26/2008 2:56:55 AM | | I think how you handled your situation was right on,,,absolutely! You agreed to meet him because of course there was interest there, even in as little contact as there was ( couple emails, IM's, 2-3 ph. calls), but the trust factor hadnt been built up yet and he was a total arrogant jerk for thinking that you'd just hop in his car despite that lack of contact. He should have been a real gentleman and not even suggest that you hop in his car at all. | |
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