| Safety on a First Meet.
Posted: 2/26/2008 9:32:18 AM | | Your safety is your priority numero uno. You need to watch out for you and your own before you consider his feelings. I would NEVER ask to pick up a woman on a first date. Maybe after a couple dates but generally speaking people can drive themselves nowadays! Often you'll meet somewhere and then take one vehicle for the evening but then again this is after a few dates. I don't think first dates should be in secluded areas or at someone's house. It should be in a somewhat familiar place that is easily seen by all, in case something happens. If this guy wants to get upset about it that is his deal. Let him stomp his feet and pout. | |
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| Safety on a First Meet.
Posted: 2/26/2008 9:50:23 AM | | I will always give option of things we can do and where to meet. I let them choose. They are in control of when and where to meet. I've even offered to let them have a friend come with them to meet me (My treat for coffee). It's a crazy world and I would be worried if a woman suggested something that could be seen as unsafe for them as a first meeting (If not a little suspicious on my safety. Who knows if her BF might not be waiting for me behind the door with a crowbar). | |
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| Safety on a First Meet.
Posted: 2/26/2008 10:28:16 AM | OP, I agree with all the good advice you have received. I believe I have posted elsewhere on this site, a detailed set of my thoughts in regard to this very subject. Most of it was repeated to you in the preceding pages.
If I were to add anything, it might be that I MapQuest the area to be traveled. (I also believe it's o.k. to share the distance.) Then I check on various highway restaurant chains....i.e. Cracker Barrel, Pancake House, there are many choices...with easy off/easy on access to the highway. We always arrive and leave in separate cars.
Another thought.....I do not make plans to meet anyone unless I have their phone number (unrestricted) and have given them mine. I prefer to wait until I feel comfortable enough to know the info is accurate. I often have their home address or place of work.....most gladly give me this information without my even having to ask.
I have broken off "Meet and Greet" plans with a few men because of various Red Flags that have arisen. My usual comment to them is because that we would not be compatible because they have shown me that they have not given thought to thinking about the treatment they would want for their sister, daughter or mother. That says it all.
You sound to me as though you have a good head on your shoulder and, although sometimes things happen that we cannot predict, we are certainly entitled to do whatever it takes, to protect ourselves.
Sincerely,
Knittin Kitten | |
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| Safety on a First Meet.
Posted: 2/26/2008 11:13:03 AM | I think you were a nut to meet him anywhere you do not decide or have total control over.
1. The woman picks a place, very public, lots of people and maybe even a few friends around, incognito, of course. And sometime during the 'meet', your friends come up and say hello so he knows that you know others have seen him.
2. Take his photo with your camera phone and send it to your best friend's phone, or even the police station.
3. Never, never, never ever get in his car. Maybe on the 2nd or 3rd date.....maybe, but you can still be on a fun outing just meeting somewhere.
4. If you feel anything is out of place...or feels funny...in anyway, fake getting sick and get out of there. Call an ambulance if you have to.
5. If he is too far away...tell him to come see you, and then you go see him on the 3rd or 4th date.
6. If he balks.....always remember, there are Plenty of Fish!! | |
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| Safety on a First Meet.
Posted: 2/26/2008 11:18:57 AM | Personally I'd be kind of annoyed if some of her friends showed up on the date and said hi. If they are in the restaurant I could see a wave or something but they can obviously see that she is out with someone they don't know and should be able to deduce that it MIGHT be a date, if she hadn't told them. A simple wave at the most is enough. I've been on those dates where we ran into someone she knew and I got really annoyed standing there while they laughed and chatted for 5 or 10 minutes. It's much akin to taking a phone call or sending text messages while on a date. You should be giving the person your undivided attention or you should be leaving and ending the date.
And I think sending a photo to the police is in poor taste. That's right up there with having a background check done on your date before or after the first date. That to me smells of greasy. | |
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| Safety on a First Meet.
Posted: 2/26/2008 11:30:10 AM | While he may not be a Ted Bundy, he is also full of shit. If he wanted to talk to you, he could have done so on the phone while you were driving and you would also have been completely insane for getting in the vehicle with him.
Sounds like you dodged a bullet all the way around. Most men understand this because frankly they do not want women knowing where they live, etc., from the first meet either. Any man that doesn't understand this or at least exhibit concern that you are comfortable is not worth your time.
My car is in the shop and as luck would have it, since that happened I have been asked out a couple of times. The men I have spoken with seem harmless but the point of a rule is to keep it. When one lets one's guard down is when something might happen. If they aren't around by the time I have wheels, I figure it is probably their loss not mine. | |
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| Safety on a First Meet.
Posted: 2/26/2008 11:35:34 AM | Yup that's a major concern for women and rightly so. It's also for men too, and it's necessary for them to establish for the woman they aren't a threat.
I never have any problems in this area. First I give them all of my particulars before meeting them. Next I establish a definite spot and time to meet them.
I have had numerous dates where without ever having met them, I have picked them up and gone directly out to dinner with them.
Your encounter wasn't a big deal and one of you or both made it into one. Wherever you met, you could have driven to the nearest fast food place - there's a Wendy's every five feet! If either of you were reluctant to do this, the date should have been cancelled right then and there.
Also, I just think it's a bad idea to go very far to meet someone. I think a one hour drive between the two of you is right on the edge of just being too far for practical reasons like time and cost of gas.
Anyway, put some more thought into arrangements for your next meeting.
The Eagle | |
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| Safety on a First Meet.
Posted: 2/26/2008 11:43:13 AM | From post 54 as it relates to the OPost:
2. Take his photo with your camera phone and send it to your best friend's phone, or even the police station.
The first part (sending photo to a friend sounds borderline logical),
but
to the Police Station????
Why not Interpole, to be extra safe? I am sure they must have a special Dating Protection Agency!!! And embassies I am sure will soon start a similar service for cross-border dating! To serve and to protect. Safety is important, but within proportioality and common sense!
These things sound soooo exaggerated from an outside the US (or North America)
POV. But I am sure they are justified by US crime stats and socio-cultural dynamics! | |
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| Safety on a First Meet.
Posted: 2/26/2008 11:48:53 AM | kudos to u for standing ur ground and ty for posting this as it is relevent to the site and it is helpful for the ladies.I agree that there are some crazies out there and I will go a step further and say that there are some normal folks that are frustrated beyond belief with everyday life to the point they may seem scary to others especially at a first meet be it in a store or in a church.I have heard ppl snapping at tellers and vis versa because of stress.I thank the lord everyday for not leaving me alone to filter through this on my own.I think this comes down to respect also and if he respected u and appreciated the gesture u made then he would have looked for something there in the town where u met and remember to use mapquest to see what roads are near there and what towns and maybe even call the local law enforcement office in the town where u r going if u r not familar with it and ask about public locations or for the number of the ppl u can contact for public location info like restaraunts and coffeehouses and such. | |
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| Safety on a First Meet.
Posted: 2/26/2008 12:02:01 PM | Way to go! You did the right thing. Though maybe agreeing to meet him in that restaurant was not such a good idea. Couldn't he drive to a restaurant near you? Just my take...
I've met only one online guy and I had to know him very well before I agreed to meet him. And he let me suggest the place. I made him choose one of two dates and that was that. There was no concern regarding my safety when we finally met. We are now on the 6th date and though I date others, he is special because I had a compelling reason to meet him and I did it in my own terms.
The guy you met was egotistical or worse, dishonest. It was his loss and I congratulate
you for being level-headed enough to stay focused on what was good for you. After having been here more than 2 months, I got to hone my gut instinct. I believe that you have to stick to it and rely on it. Our best bet is that red flag! | |
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| Safety on a First Meet.
Posted: 2/26/2008 12:13:36 PM | first off you both should have met at a restaurant, so then he would have dressed up decently, but the date went completely wrong when the whole rape, murder, ted bundy topic came up. you both scerwed up, next time meet at Tim Horton's, at least you both can have some double doubles, and talk. this date goes into the category of an " EPIC FAIL ". | |
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| Safety on a First Meet.
Posted: 2/26/2008 12:41:21 PM | I'm a man, living in Edinburgh in the UK. I think that you were dead right - you might have ended up right dead. It's suspicious about his home phone number, did you ever call him back on the number he gave you? You won't have anything more to do with him now of course, but the validity of "home" phone numbers is something to check on with future men. Just in the last week in the UK there have been three high-profile convictions of men who killed women - the first one killed five prostitutes, the second killed an 18-year old model on her doorstep and then had sex with her corpse, and the third man killed two women with a hammer and tried to kill a third. Both the first and the third killers have been sentenced to WHOLE LIFE terms, that means without the possibility of parole, the other got life with a tariff of 34 years. All three of them are suspected of several other murders and attacks on women stetching back up to two decades. So yes, you women do indeed have to be careful. I'm inclined to think that you might consider reporting this chap to the Plenty of Fish moderators
In my experience though (I don't have a car) I sometimes do invite women back to me place on a first date, either as the main meeting place or sometimes after we have met elsewhere. Most, in fact all, do agree to come back with me, and generally sex follows, but certainly not always, and I don't act all suprised if they refuse sex. But they do have my home phone number and my address and my full name BEFORE we actually meet for the first time, so they can all check up on me if they want.
Trust your instincts and don't do anything you think that you might not live to regret. | |
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| Safety on a First Meet.
Posted: 2/27/2008 10:00:59 PM | i know its a very trickyone, but.
if this guy is a Poffer...should others be aware of him?
quite how without accusing him of doing something he hadnt actually done, is something i cant get my head round.
or not.. should women ( and men) make there own judgments on people.
i dunno. im just throwing thoughts around. | |
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| Safety on a First Meet.
Posted: 2/28/2008 4:19:52 AM | safety on the first meeting means doing my part to set up the scenario for safety like....finding out his full name, home address, place of work, names of family members, phone number and alternate number. also informing friends of my plans. ESPECIALLY if you're driving away from your home area.
just last night i asked a man on POF for his last name so i could run him thru the sex offender registry and suggested that we talk on the phone before he comes down and visits in a couple of weeks. (he only lives about 90 minutes away) his response was an email of "idiot" and blocked me from contacting him. other men have had no problem in providing a last name. now what does that tell you about this guy???? i'll bet he's a lousy poker player too. hehehe. | |
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| Safety on a First Meet.
Posted: 2/28/2008 5:53:56 AM | | I think you did right. I know self defense but I still wont put myself in questionable circumstances. One fellow who said he was a prison guard got his nose all out of joint because I wouldn't invite him over and cook for him.They say the brain cells are similar to those in your stomach.If that's true, maybe there's more to be said for that gut feeling | |
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| Safety on a First Meet.
Posted: 2/28/2008 5:55:42 AM | Preferring to hike or explore, rather than drink coffee, I have found a simple solution to manage the safety issue.
An example of this would be when I met a gentleman at a tropical fish store that was in a town about halfway between our locations. It was our intention to go for a hike at a local park, which of course would mean that we may be alone in secluded places.
Just before we set off on our adventure, I asked to see his driver's licence. I let him know that I had prearranged making a phone call to a friend who would record his information and to whom I would check in with periodically. He was a perfect gentleman and had no issue in doing so. In fact, I believe that he respected me for respecting myself and taking a measure of precaution.
A licence contains reasonably up to date information and a picture. When your date drives to meet you, it is expected he will have one to produce. If he doesn't...well, I don't need to tell you the answer to that. | |
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| Safety on a First Meet.
Posted: 2/28/2008 6:25:21 AM | | If a guy isn't willing to provide you his full name, a real phone number, where he lives, where he works, etc before a first meeting you should not be meeting him. I mean seriously do we men REALLY need to fear women?! I am sure there are some crazies out there that might call the house a lot or drive by or even stop in but they aren't the axe-wielding type. They aren't going to break in, tie you to the bed, sodomize you for a week, and then leave you to die! No. They want to fall in love with you and to have your babies! I'm so scared. Seriously. Give up the info. I usually sign my initial contact/response emails with my first name or introduce myself in them. If there is interest by about the third email or so I've given my email address which has my full name in it. I'm not afraid. I tell people where I work. Hell, yesterday a girl picked me up from my house for a first date! Not too worried about it. If he balks at all to requests for any of this information it's my belief he's either extremely paranoid or he's hiding something and you should just keep walking. Now if the girl asked me for my name and S.I.N. so she could do a credit, criminal record, and/or sex offender check I'd be out. I have nothing to hide but quite frankly I'm not applying to handle her financial affairs or house sit and watch her children for the next month. If she has concerns over whether her date is or isn't a sex offender she should be talking to him more, asking more probing questions, meeting in very public areas, and putting him in situations of risk if he were a sex offender. For instance, maybe take him to a busy playground with a play structure and talk about children. See if he gets all excited in a fatherly sort of way or a sexually sort. The majority of men aren't rapists! The number of men who have had sex with a woman who has tried to say no is high I will admit but you must realize that a LOT of those numbers are from when guys are younger and stupid, and how often is alcohol or drugs a major factor in that behaviour. Not condoning it, I'm just saying most guys in their 20's, 30's, and 40's and up would not do that. I'm so afraid of a rape charge that if a girl even looked concerned during a makeout session I'd bounce. | |
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| Safety on a First Meet.
Posted: 2/28/2008 6:40:27 AM | | A first meeting should be presided by some phone or online "connection". Do not go to your "date" like you are going to meet your new employer. If you are not comfortable with the person you are going out with just don't go, period. | |
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| Safety on a First Meet.
Posted: 2/28/2008 6:50:25 AM | I absolutely agree that you did the right thing! In my line of work, you wouldn't believe some of the horrific things I see everyday!! I just met someone on here as well and we were just going to go have lunch and he wanted to pick me up from work and I said no way, I don't feel comfortable. He understood though and agreed with me that I didn't know him and I was just trying to be safe.
Good for you, he sounds like a creep that has issues and you should be thanking your lucky stars you didn't get in the car with him! There is something suspicious about him being so defensive about you not trusting him. He should have understood, that's what is scary!! | |
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| Safety on a First Meet.
Posted: 2/28/2008 10:56:32 AM | you did the right thing girl i would of done exactly the same thing in ur shoes
this is the part i hate about dating the safety thing im like this to he was defiently unreasonable and tried to make u feel like an idiot dont feel that way he is the idiot. | |
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| Safety on a First Meet.
Posted: 2/28/2008 11:16:51 AM | how nice were you! you even went a step ahead to "please" him and go to the restaurant he wanted to go....
obviously, he you did dodge a bullet, he seemed way creepy... the truth if you think about it... there was NO restaurant in that area... and you know it... and he knows it... he drove around as long as he could to find one... but when he didnt find one, he simply decided to be "upset" at you and blame it on you.
I do agree, not all men are like that, a man that KNOWS about your safety, and usually does his best to make you feel comfortable, you should meet those that bring up safety first! those are the guys that are not afraid of you being cautious since they will prove to you that they will earn your trust with time :)
trust is earned! not given away freely to strangers! | |
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| Safety on a First Meet.
Posted: 2/28/2008 11:47:32 AM | You shouldn't have even left your house! First mistake.
Hi Ocean100,
My name is Steve. (please excuse my silly profile; I'm laying low, and pulled the serious one.)
I have done many "blind" dates over the years, starting
in the late 70's. I have worked with singles, also. The most important safety precaution is arranging to meet in a central location surrounded by other people.
Why did you agree to meet him in some cornfield, not even knowing where
you would have the date? Always choose something like a Starbucks, in town.
Commit yourself to no more than a cup of coffee on the first meeting, therefore
if the date is not going well, you can make a quick exit.
My ex agreed to have a guy pick her up at her house for their first date. By
the end of the evening he was drinking, and groping her. It would have been
very difficult for her to get home now, without getting into his car after that.
You shouldn't even be following someone on the road. He shouldn't even
know what kind of car you drive or especially the plate #.
Nobody enjoys living in a society of fear, but simple precautions will prevent
you from being in a situation that presents a threat or just an embarrasing situation.
hope this was helpful
sm | |
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| Safety on a First Meet.
Posted: 2/28/2008 12:29:59 PM | He was an idiot or up to something. I have met women for the first time and after talking to them they felt comfortable in having me pick them up. No problem there. However I did have one woman on POF that just used me to get a ride to the bar where she met up with another guy there (nice huh?)
But I have had a few dates where the women have told me they won't get in someones car on a firts date so if we went a few different places we would be driving every where separate. A decent guy will understand your need to be careful and respect you for it. You could have talked just fine on the phone
Just before we set off on our adventure, I asked to see his driver's licence. I let him know that I had prearranged making a phone call to a friend who would record his information and to whom I would check in with periodically. He was a perfect gentleman and had no issue in doing so. In fact, I believe that he respected me for respecting myself and taking a measure of precaution.
to wwonderwoman: I would have a problem with you doing that. Just the same as women needing to be careful men need to be careful too. I wouldn't give you my license to have my address. You could have a friend robbing me while I am out with you keeping me busy or you could be some weirdo who now would have my address. GUYS protect yourself to, there are women in jail for a reason. | |
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