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| Is it just me or does this scare others off as well?
Posted: 2/26/2008 10:26:53 PM | | It should be generally obvious to other party, but don't misjudge a man based on a tentative attempt at a kiss or holding hands. However, repeated or intense attempts at closeness do not auger well. | |
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| Is it just me or does this scare others off as well?
Posted: 2/26/2008 10:56:51 PM |
As a POF "scoundrel friend" recently pointed out, and I quote, there is a " difference between Rhett Butler and Andrew Dice Clay ;-). A man that can be charming and sincere yet manly can say the same damn things as another guy, but one of them gets a giggle, the other gets slapped. Hard ;-). I see it in the forums, too. I'll say the same thing as another guy, but the two read completely differently. Subtle flirting is an art. "
NotchUrAverage1 is running with some seriously dangerous men; scoundrels abound in here... ;-)
Sex sex sex... too much thinking about playing checkers, simple rules, everybody jumping everybody, rushing to the end of the board, and not enough playing chess. For the guys that say "I can't wait forever", well, remember that a true savant of the seduction arts can pull off a "Mate in Four" too, but by gawd you need to be a true master, or yeah, as "NotchUrAverage1" quoted you are gonna get slapped so hard your fillings will come loose ;-).
If you've never turned towards a woman, even somewhat unexpectedly, tilted her chin up to yours, and kissed her with true and honest passion, and had her say "...after a kiss like that, I need a cigarette..." you need to go back to class.
The Queen is the most powerful and important piece on the board, and thus the most pursued and vulnerable; without her, there is no game. You have to always remember that, and treat her accordingly ;-).
Cowboy | |
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| Is it just me or does this scare others off as well?
Posted: 2/27/2008 12:05:50 AM | Chances are you would be doing good to get one compliment out of me at a 1st meet.
At that stage I basically don't know someone well enough to drown them in compliments, want to hold their hand, or kiss them... If we are unusually candid and open with each other and the meeting drags out to several hours then I might feel I know them well enough to throw a few compliments into the conversation.
That is not likely to happen when you are just meeting someone to figure out if you really want to spend a whole morning / afternoon / evening / or day with them... If you feel that suffocated at a 1st meet I would hate to see what a "relationship" would look like... | |
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| Is it just me or does this scare others off as well?
Posted: 2/27/2008 1:36:42 AM | | It freaks me out big time. Receiving compliments about my appearance from someone I just met is very strange to me, it makes me uncomfortable. Ideally it would be okay to get a compliment after several weeks of seeing each other. I like to be on the same level as my guy, and I sure as hell wouldn't spend the entire date complimenting him every 10 minutes. It just seems kind of disrespectful to me. | |
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| Is it just me or does this scare others off as well?
Posted: 2/27/2008 3:27:41 AM | I'm not complaining about getting ONE compliment. Honestly.... It's just VERY uncomfortable to get TOO many.... for someone to go on about how awesome you are, how gorgeous your eyes are, how they could listen to your laugh for days... WHEN it's the 1st time you're meeting! To hear they can't believe you've never been married and haven't had kids. (Ok... so I'm not so happy that I've never been married and that I'll probably never have kids... so I really don't want to hear this... and I hear it on almost every 1st date!)
No I don't have rules on what I do or don't do on dates. I GENERALLY do not kiss on a 1st date.. I give a hello hug and a goodbye hug.
A compliment means so much more to me when I've gotten to know someone....
Holding hands is a little intimate to me and I don't want to hold a strangers hand...
I could understand a compliment stating wow you look better then your photo... then that being that... but too many freak me out!
Also stating that he knew within 10 minutes that I could be his girlfriend.
What ever happened to meeting... hanging out... letting attraction take it's cours
Since most dates average somewhere around $100 per, Im out a $1000.
Sorry babe.....Im gone after the 2nd date, maybe 3rd...if its a real good hug!
Sounds to me like these guys are expediting the process to save their dating budget
LMAO ummmm I already jumped to your 3rd date cuz I gave a hello hug and goodbye hug! Dates do NOT have to average 100.00 I'm happy with a fricken happy meal! LOL
OP, I have a question. Just as you find it hard to believe that they find you to "be the one" on a first meet and question it because they don't know you, how can you be so sure they are players, needy, psychopaths when you have only met them once as well?
Carpe Diem... I never said anyone was a player or psychopath.... I wanted to know if it made others as UNCOMFORTABLE as it makes me! If it was one date that has done this... I'd blow it off... but, I've had several... I am actually going to go out with him again. I know he was nervous I want to get to know him.
When I say slow... I mean let things progress on their own... None of this... let's be boyfriend/girlfriend on a 1st fricken meeting! | |
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| Is it just me or does this scare others off as well?
Posted: 2/27/2008 4:10:58 AM | Coming on too strong and trying to hard just creeps me out and frankly anyone I have known who wanted instarelationship, cooled off and disappeared just as fast.
Also it comes across as fake. When the novelty wears off and they aren't saying and doing all the nice things but are sitting on your sofa in their holey shorts, barely grunting at you while watching footy, it is quite a disappointment. | |
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| Is it just me or does this scare others off as well?
Posted: 2/27/2008 5:00:39 AM |
don't know that I would agree that this sounds like a player. I think a player would be a smoother operator than that. I agree with another poster...sounds like someone who hasn't been on a date in a long time. Or someone who doesn't know how to woo a woman
Maybe player wasn't the right word. Horndog maybe?
Either way, I got the impression this guy told the same crap to any girl he went out with, just to get her into bed. Then, once that was accomplished he disappeared.
so we'll call him a desperate horndog 
Krys | |
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| Is it just me or does this scare others off as well?
Posted: 2/27/2008 5:01:06 AM | | I think it's a little over the top and it would be scary...however, it's all relative to who you want to say such things to you. If the man was highly attractive and Mr. Perfect, I'm sure you wouldn't be on this forum, ranting about it. You would be in his arms and wondering, " How did I get so lucky ??? ".....but if it was some guy who was average ( according to your tastes ), then it would be offputting. | |
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| Is it just me or does this scare others off as well?
Posted: 2/27/2008 5:14:57 AM | Yes, trust your gut on this. Even if others didn't agree with you that there is something wrong in these guys' approach, if it feels wrong to YOU then, it IS wrong for you.
It has been my experience, though, that guys that come on so strong like that are probably trying to play a game. They have one goal in mind and it's NOT to be seriously involved with you. They think they are telling you what you want to hear, that way they can woo you into a sexual relationship.
Now, I realize that I am probably going to be attacked for saying what I just said here, frankly I don't care. But I will also add that I know that doesn't go for every guy out there. I'm only telling you from MY experience. The guy talks all sincere, as if he's serious, but I discover soon enough what it's all about when he tries to push the sex issue.
Good job trusting yourself on this. I'd keep on that way if I were you. | |
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| Is it just me or does this scare others off as well?
Posted: 2/27/2008 5:27:07 AM | Lost cowboy, msg 52- wow! Now why do you live so far away? One quote: "If you've never turned towards a woman, even somewhat unexpectedly, tilted her chin up to yours, and kissed her with true and honest passion, and had her say "...after a kiss like that, I need a cigarette..." you need to go back to class.".
You got that one right! Not on a first date for me, unless the chemistry is electric, but after the first date- if there's an ember glowing that could turn into a fire! (No, I'm not saying jump into bed, I have more self control than that, I have to get to know the man first).
Then you came up with: "The Queen is the most powerful and important piece on the board, and thus the most pursued and vulnerable; without her, there is no game. You have to always remember that, and treat her accordingly ;-)."
I'm not saying I want to be treated like a queen, (as in "your wish is my command"-yuck) but treated with respect and having interest shown in me (which is what you do with a queen also)- yeh, that works!
Are you for real? Or are you just playing with us? If you're real, there's a lucky woman in your future!
O.P.- I've experienced a bit of what you've described- only once a few years ago. I met this guy on the net, we talked on the phone, he seemed very nice. We set up a meeting and went to a local small, dimly lit restaurant /bar. Big mistake, I must have not been thinking that night. In my defense, I'd been married forever, hadn't dated much, and had just ended a 2 year relationship. This was one of my first attempts at meeting another man. Anyway, after the meal there was a small band. This guy kept trying to kiss me. Actually he'd say every few minutes "Kiss me, you know you want to". NO, I didn't, and I kept saying "I don't want to. I just met you". He then tried to rub the back of my neck. We left after about 2 very uncomfortable hours. Looking back, I should have ended the date sooner, but I just didn't know how back then. Needless to say, I never went out with that guy again. | |
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| Is it just me or does this scare others off as well?
Posted: 2/27/2008 5:47:23 AM |
What does "move slow" mean to you?
1st date....no hand holding.
2nd date....hold hands.
3rd date....hug.
4th date...peck on cheek.
5th date...mouth kiss.
6th date...a little tongue? (wait, youre moving too fast!)
7th date...mouth kiss.
8th date...mouth kiss and hug?
9th date...mouth kiss and a little tongue. (here we go)
10th date...forget it!
Presuming that we're seeing one another once a week, unless thats "smothering"
you, this progression would be over 2 months of dating and the best Ive gotten was
a french kiss and a hug? (hypothetically)
Since most dates average somewhere around $100 per, Im out a $1000.
Sorry babe.....Im gone after the 2nd date, maybe 3rd...if its a real good hug!
Sounds to me like these guys are expediting the process to save their dating budget.
I think most men ,and women, would consider this way too slow.
Here is my more realistic "moving slow":
1st meet...brief goodbye hug
1st real date...quick smack on lips
2nd real date...one or two kisses with a little tongue
3rd real date...fair amount of good kissing, keep hands to yourself
4th real date...serious making out, hands get involved, usually initiated by the woman
5th real date...99% chance we end up in bed.
I have turned down a chance to go to bed on 2nd date, fastest was 3rd date, and the slowest was 8th date(7th real date)
Hope to hear from others if this seems realistic. This is with women between 40 and 55 years old. | |
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| Is it just me or does this scare others off as well?
Posted: 2/27/2008 6:05:13 AM |
You got that one right! Not on a first date for me, unless the chemistry is electric, but after the first date- if there's an ember glowing that could turn into a fire! (No, I'm not saying jump into bed, I have more self control than that, I have to get to know the man first).
I am an electrical contractor; electricity is my business! Sorry, had to say it ;-).
I'm not saying I want to be treated like a queen, (as in "your wish is my command"-yuck) but treated with respect and having interest shown in me (which is what you do with a queen also)- yeh, that works!
Exactly. Nobody likes weakness of character in a relationship, and if anyone is thinking Dom/Sub stuff, while I don't play that way, I know enough about it to know there's no weakness of character there, either ;-).
Are you for real? Or are you just playing with us? If you're real, there's a lucky woman in your future!
Why play with folks? This is me. 100% the Cowboy ;-).
He kept trying to kiss me. Actually he'd say every few minutes "Kiss me, you know you want to". NO, I didn't, and I kept saying "I don't want to. I just met you".
Ick. And that's the whole thing. Right there. Right friggin' there. It AIN'T that hard for a guy to open his eyes and see and KNOW what a woman is receptive to. Every time we do anything, there is a response to observe, and the feed back should be absorbed and used to change our behavior towards women; hopefully, intrinsically. To quote Conan Doyle from "A Scandal in Bohemia":
"For example, you have frequently seen the steps which lead up from the hall to this room."
"Frequently."
"How often?"
"Well, some hundreds of times."
"Then how many are there?"
"How many? I don't know."
"Quite so! You have not observed. And yet you have seen. That is just my point. Now, I know that there are seventeen steps, because I have both seen and observed."
Cowboy | |
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| Is it just me or does this scare others off as well?
Posted: 2/27/2008 6:30:04 AM | I have noticed on these threads that so many people have all these rules....Whatever happened to just going out with someone and having a good time and not worrying about the rules of your first date....holding hands, kissing, etc.....Throw the rules out the window and just go with how you feel who cares if its the 1st date, 2..3....that is what is wrong with people....
OP maybe he did like all those things about you if you are getting the wrong vibe from him about if he is sincere than just move on...I just watched a show the other night about 2 people on their date and it was the exactly the same thing he told her way to many times that she was beautiful and she didnt like that so funny I am reading about this now........ I do understand when its to much but still don't agree with all the rules........ | |
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| Is it just me or does this scare others off as well?
Posted: 2/27/2008 6:37:45 AM | | Too many guys have no clue how to go about dating and first meetings/encounters and they just push all the garbage they THINK they know out onto you. I have a few single friends who date and are HORRIBLE at it. Most of them are better looking than me, and I'd say that they are all in better shape than me. And I probably make the least money out of all of us, and drive the cheapest car. But I'm fairly successful in my dating life. Where I succeed and they fail? Compliments and impatience. These guys have NO clue how to talk to a woman. They think that a woman will fall all over herself if the guy tells her she's got great legs or a nice ass or her smile makes their hearts melt or they just want to look into her eyes all night long. This is the stuff that creeps women out! Most women know what their attractive features are. The fact that a guy shows interest and smiles and laughs at her jokes is enough to tell her that he thinks she's nice and attractive and is interested. She doesn't need, or want, the guy telling her she's the most gorgeous woman he's ever seen. While women have the dreams of marriage they don't dream EVERY guy will propose to them! They want the right guy to do so. But as much as we sit and talk about these things, and believe me we talk about it alot and they ask me for help because they seem to fail miserably and know it, I can NEVER get through to them. The one guy calls me last night and says he met this great woman at a bar last week and they went out monday night. He said the dinner lasted about an hour and she left afterwards. He didn't understand. He DID acknowledge that she got weirded out when he told her 3 times she had a killer body. I asked him why he didnt' pick up on the vibe after the first time he told her?! He said he thought maybe she just didn't take it in and wanted to give it another go. Stupid! I NEVER compliment a woman on physicalities on a first date or two, aside from maybe her attire or hair. I might say I like the way she wears her hair and it really accentuates her face. Or I like her shoes. But usually I'll slide the compliment into a joke and use a little wit or sarcasm. And if I DO give her a compliment about her beauty it's usually in a joking manner, such as if she was talking about how she hates when guys trip all over her I might say something like "I'd make sure to carry mace if I was as stunning as you to fend off all the men. It must be a full time job!". Note the sarcasm. | |
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| Is it just me or does this scare others off as well?
Posted: 2/27/2008 6:41:11 AM | Definently sounds like the old 'laying it on thick' stuff people do. And it should raise a red flag. Insincere flattery is something many men don't realize that many women easily pick up on the radar. I think being complimentary is one thing, heavy amounts of empty flattery that borders on cartoonish worship is another. To say your eyes are beautiful might be true. To say they could sit and listen to you laugh all night is just....weird. 
Some guys are desperate and some guys know that if you are a 'catch', that you'll have many other guys after you and they want to 'win' you first. That's not unusual really so don't be too hard on them for that. It's just how they go about it that matters. Good luck on your future dates though. | |
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| Is it just me or does this scare others off as well?
Posted: 2/27/2008 6:52:58 AM |
Whatever happened to just going out with someone and having a good time and not worrying about the rules of your first date....holding hands, kissing, etc.....Throw the rules out the window and just go with how you feel who cares if its the 1st date, 2..3....that is what is wrong with people....
Hobbes: Calvin! You're using the wrong colors! You're going outside the lines!
Calvin: But if I color inside the lines, and use the right colors, I get the same picture everybody else gets.
Wisdom is where you find it ;-).
Keep drawing those two headed green giraffes, JrsyGrl ;-).
Cowboy | |
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| Is it just me or does this scare others off as well?
Posted: 2/27/2008 6:56:29 AM | After having read through this thread, while most women do not like to be innundated by insincere compliments or desperate measures, for the most part it seems that one or two expressions of interest would be very welcome.
As for holding hands.... I am very much influenced by what I feel when I touch someone, so I am one that would prefer to hold hands once there has been a bit of a connection established through conversation. I will ask if I may hold their hand for a bit and explain why I would like to do so. Only once did I have a man on a first date refuse and he told me it's only because he was already feeling embarassed due to being quite aroused already and did not want to offend me by getting an erection from just holding hands! I told him I was flattered, that I understood, and I was grateful for his honesty.
I think it comes down to the fact that everyone is different and every situation is different. If they (man or woman) are coming on too strong even after you (man or woman) have discussed how it makes you feel, then they are obviously not the one for you as they are not taking your feelings into consideration.
On a side note.... this Queen will take a Cowboy as my King anyday!! | |
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| Is it just me or does this scare others off as well?
Posted: 2/27/2008 6:56:49 AM |
Sex sex sex... too much thinking about playing checkers, simple rules, everybody jumping everybody, rushing to the end of the board, and not enough playing chess. For the guys that say "I can't wait forever", well, remember that a true savant of the seduction arts can pull off a "Mate in Four" too, but by gawd you need to be a true master.
Love that. It's quite hawt. Too many guys playing checkers, not enough playing chess.
OP there are just a lot of really dumb people in the world. I blame modern medicine for keeping people alive that Darwinism would have made extinct.
Havent you ever liked a guy more than he liked you? Happened to me recently, talked
to a guy who is just all kinds of awesome and of course the more you like someone the more nervous you are.
I started second guessing myself.
He's so sweet, he told me something like "Just relax. We arent getting married next week. It is what it is."
I was able to stop being a dork after that. | |
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| Is it just me or does this scare others off as well?
Posted: 2/27/2008 3:11:30 PM | | Lost Cowboy, you old (er, young) scoundrel, again you dazzle us ladies with your wit and wisdom. The Calvin and Hobbes things was brilliant. But my favorite is your Abbot and Costello bit! I'll bet you rarely scare off a woman by coming on strong too soon. | |
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| Is it just me or does this scare others off as well?
Posted: 2/27/2008 4:23:22 PM | Okay . . . . thread after thread after thread . . . same story . . . he is this or that . . .
How women don't FIGURE OUT during the exchange of emails and/or chatting on the phone WHETHER or NOT s he should meet him . . . . is BEYOND ME . . . 
Okay you did all the all right things . . . .and you meet him . . . . then he turns out to be a "Mr. NOW" . . . . if you are not into the "coming on to soon" thing . . . . NOT FOR YOU . . . a very polite "Thank you . . . . nice meeting you . . . . but I really don't think we are a match." Not complicated.
Moral to the story: "Life is simple . . . . we complicate it . . ."
Best of luck,
~Myth~ | |
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| Is it just me or does this scare others off as well?
Posted: 2/27/2008 6:33:36 PM | Out of curiosity, how does talking on the phone/email figure into all of this "moving fast/slow" thing? I have been talking to a woman for a month and a half, and have gone on one date. Between her kid and my kid being sick, her being sick, and just plain life... it has been difficult for us to meet up. So, we finally did, and it went from a meetup, to what I would think is a full-blown date, since she didn't bail after dinner, and wanted to do something afterwards. So, we talked for a few hours, and every time we talk... (a couple of times a week) we talk for hours... so, in the grand scheme of things, where am I at? Meetup, 1 date, or 1 date and a few others because of getting to know her?
Just out of curiosity, here. | |
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| Is it just me or does this scare others off as well?
Posted: 2/27/2008 7:05:52 PM | Sometimes a person knows exactly what they have been looking for. If there has been enough conversation....the discovery period is over....you should know if you are right for each other.
I met a man. After several months on the on line dating site, we became more comfortable. Then he asked me for my number. ( on line for 6 months ) I gave it to him. We started talking. After the first conversation, we were amazed at how much we had in common. After a few more, we had just about everything in common.
I had a criteria list I had made out 11 years ago. I have been patient waiting for "Mr. Right". I think I have found him. He was everything on my list and then some. We both think its really awesome.
Needless to say, in my heart of hearts, I knew he is the one for me. I had prayed and prayed about a certain kind of man and God brought him to me I believe. He is kind, giving, gentle yet he is a warrior. He is a writter, musician, cowboy....just like me. A family man, a man of God.....just like me. The perfect man for me.
I knew he was the one. He thought I might be but had gotten out of a terrible marriage to a "user" woman about 3 years ago so he moved a little slower. I have been single 12 years and I knew I was ready for a relationship.
We are both close to each other after 5 1/2 months talking on the phone, I am probably farther along in my feelings than he, but we are tight friends and I believe we will be lovers the rest of our life. We have both discussed this and we both are looking for marriage, neither is seeing anyone else. We have known each other basically almost 11 months.
Yes......Love almost at first sight for me. WHY: because I knew EXACTLY what I wanted in a man. HIM: He wanted someone like me too. He knew what he was looking for too. HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?????It could only be GOD. He has answered our prayers.
We'll see how this relationship goes, but so far.....ITS AWESOME!!!! THANK YOU GOD FOR MY GIFT. I call him my Gift from God. He is.
Sometimes people just know that someone is right for them. It does happen. I think alot of people are not open to love anymore. I hate single life. It sucks. Being married is far more better....but......make sure you are compatible.
GOOD BOOKS TO READ BEFORE DATING OR MARRYING:
1) Mars and Venus on a Date.........John Gray
2) Love (what she needs) and Respect (what he needs).........Eggelston? (sp)
Consider the books job training.
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| Is it just me or does this scare others off as well?
Posted: 2/27/2008 7:14:32 PM | Being yourself is important, I've been taught early in life to be a gentleman with complimants jestures and saying positive things about another person -your mate.
I have always complimented a "LADY" for her beauty being gorgeous or photogentic. but not overboard! Beauty is in the eyes of the beholding.
If she dresses up and is the beauty of your eye she needs a complement If she is dressed down and is comfortable she needs a complement. Edification builds character in each other. A bad character with an attitude is of no benefits in a relationship!
I resently went out with a beautiful women that grabbed attention anywhere we were because she was well rounded inside and out. Physically beautiful to the degree some co-workers asked me how I found such a "BEAUTIFUL LADY? There were outside compliments were bestowed to her- from observers- thru me. Lucky she was with me that night!
If a male or female is to agressive with compliments then it is a sign of insecurities .
Sincere compliments are welcomed if they come from the heart with truth and honest
intentions as are roses and candy at Valintines JMHO
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