| How should a single mom, with no help, date?
Posted: 5/12/2008 5:49:51 PM |
Hullo,
I'm the guy.
I'm gonna be blunt, and probably slightly crude.
1) If I'm gonna date you,I'm gonna end up meeting your child or children. Get it out of the way. if your little ones have problems with me, they will say so. Then you know to dump me... If I have problems with your little ones, same rule applys. and you can dump me early on before either one of us gets too attached.
2) Its my right and duty as your date, to pay for the babysitter. if I refuse to pay for a sitter... DUMP ME!
3)You dont know me. Use common sense. Dont leave me alone with your kids.
Just because I'm a safe guy, doesnt mean you know that I'm safe.
I have to PROOVE my self to you... If I have a problem with this... Dump me.
4)A revolving door is basicaly where a woman has a string of first dates that end with sex at her place. (generaly there is no second date)
By not sleeping with me on the first date, you are keeping your door NON revolving.
If I have a problem with being told "no"... Dump me.
5) My dating plans MUST be flexible. So I wanted to take you to that bistro that has the string trio playing... But suddenly your sitter cancels. we can either reschedule, or adjust to the new situation....
So if we adjust, either I grab take out and rent Snow White.....
Or we take the kids with us.. and go to a more relaxed resturant, (kid freindly).
If I cant cope with this... Dump me.
6) Your children are your first priority. If I have a problem with this fact... Dump me.
With these rules in mind, date freely and fearlessly.
I agree with these rules.. except for maybe number 2. I do not expect the man to pay for the babysitter..although I have to admit..most of them do offer and a of one or two of them wouldn't take no for an answer..Funny though..the younger the guy is who I go out with, the less likely they are to offer and they don't insist.. just an observation though.. | |
|
| How should a single mom, with no help, date?
Posted: 5/12/2008 6:01:40 PM | Teardrop...After reading your post my choice would be c. none of the above..You won't date either single father in your examples..and thank goodness for him. I don't know a single, single parent who doenst' look for things beyond physical in a relationship,like the ones you listed, and I do hope that the childfree people have the same expectation in a mate that we do. But I will tell you that I will NOT settle..and neither will anyone else i know whether they havec children or not. When you date someone with children, you can't expect to spend more then 2 nights a week with them. That wouldn't be fair to thier children and in all honestly in the beginnings of a relationship you should n ot feel entitled to more then that, (really you shouldn't feel entitled to any time, but a couple nights a week isn't asking to much) regardless of the presence of children. As the relationship progresses you can find way to spend lots of time together..and once you meet the children you can spend as much time together as you are comfortable spending.
The biggest difference between you and me is I was a single person with no children at one time, dating is a world full of single dads, so I get it. and now I am a single parent..so i get that too. You can't say the same. | |
|
| How should a single mom, with no help, date?
Posted: 5/12/2008 9:19:39 PM | | Good question. I have dated a few men...3 to be exact...over the past 5 years since I divorced. My children are now 13 and 11 and they have met each one. I too have introduced them as friends. The boys see me with girls who are friends and guys who are friends. The boys are pretty sharp...they figure out relatively soon that we are dating but they are ok with that. They have told me that they want me to have someone to come home to. They also told me that they are not afraid of me dating because I will "never date someone that would not be good to and for them". I do not have sleepovers and we are never "too friendly" around the children. I think it is a great way for my children to see how women and men should treat each other since they did not have this example when I was married to their father. The first time I dated after I divorced, the guy bought us all something for Christmas and put all the gifts in a huge box for us to unrap together. This was the first time my children had seen anything under the tree at home for ME and they were so excited! If you have had a very dysfunctional marriage and the children need to learn what a real relationship should be like( to some degree anyway) dating can provide that. You just have to be careful who you date and I did date the men a while before introducing them to the children. I already knew 2 of them for a few years though. That made it easier. I work in the social work field and to have a "revolving door" is not a good example for any child but to see 2 people treat each other well and be happy is great! | |
|
| |
| How should a single mom, with no help, date?
Posted: 5/13/2008 1:06:36 AM | | let me take your question and change it a bit..lets not look at the affect it could have with the children this one time.. lets ask ourselves what negative affects it might have on the prospective mate.. i'll give my experience.. i met a girl with kids.. never gave the kid thing a second thought. they were just part of the package. so, i went with it..we became hot and heavy real fast.. and me being a big kid myself, the girls became a major part of my life..my fan club..lol.. they loved me unconditionally, and i in turn.. we had a blast. they even called me daddy sometimes..so, when we(their mom and i) decided to split. i lost what became the two most important things in my life.. the girls.. it crushed me.. i never gave a second thought to the loss of their mother.. i was to busted up inside over losing them. and, because they aren't my kids. i just have to take the loss. not that i would have ever tried to stay in their lives.. i wouldn't. but, if i were their natural dad.. well, i would have rights to see them.. so its not just about your kids getting hurt.. its more complicated than that.. so, take all the time in the world.. be sure, before people get hurt..believe me.. from an exboyfriendsting and part time daddy's point of view. it was hell getting over the kids.. hope that wasn't to sappy. but nobody ever looks at that point of view.. | |
|
| How should a single mom, with no help, date?
Posted: 5/13/2008 10:59:00 AM | I know this forum is for people to vent and give advice, but as a single parent myself, Im always on the lookout for nice, friendly, fun people to befriend and possibly exchange babysitting. Anyone interested??
I have a few female friends that have children but they are married. Most of my single guy friends dont have kids. I have no family (other than a sickly mum) in the area and cant afford babysitters. No one really understands the hardships, the sacrifices, the ever-constant worry over finances, health issues, time constraints, etc.
But outside of all of the parent stuff, we are STILL people! People that need adult conversation, love, friendship, laughter, hugs! So I am in the process of starting up a Single Parents Group within my church that will be open to the public. It's due to begin June 13th on the 2nd and 4th Friday of every month. Completely free and open for anyone who is a single parent. There will be a dinner served at every meeting (one less thing to worry about) and an open forum where people can get to know each other and make friends. Our kids will be babysat during the meeting so we can hear ourselves talk, LOL, and they will have fun playing games and watching movies.
I'm not ashamed to admit it, I need friends!!  I want to talk to other moms and dads that live and understand the life I do. I want to make new friends (possibly dates!  ) and have playdates, and have a social life. If you live in my area, feel free to email me or stop in for a meeting. If you dont live in the area, feel free to email me if you ever just want to chat. 
~Robyn  | |
|
| How should a single mom, with no help, date?
Posted: 5/13/2008 3:35:21 PM |
have you thought of joining a single parents group and perhaps get a network going so someone can watch your child from time to time nad you can return the favor?
That was what I thought. I know some people who did that with the meetup dot com site and it sorked out well for them.
Or check to see if there is a coed parent group somewhere. Granted most are women, but there might be some out there for single dads. | |
|
| |
| How should a single mom, with no help, date?
Posted: 5/13/2008 7:09:13 PM | I recently dated a great woman from POF with a 4 year old boy.
Her rules where very simple and common sense.
No touching or kissing in front of the child.
When I stayed over I had to accept that the child came First.
If he woke or cried or even came into the bedroom HIS needs came absolutely first.
When we dated we took him along she explained I was a friend.
We went to places children orientated at first. Large playground, zoo etc.
I had to accept that if I wanted the partnership to work it had to be with The WHOLE picture and not just her.
It was very hard to have one on one time but that is what I accepted.
When we wanted to go out alone we had to plan in advance and have a second option if the sitter situation fell through (and they do at times)
I believe this worked well for us, sadly it lasted only a few months before we realised it wasn't going to work. I am still great friends though.
My advice is from this side of the fence.
DON'T ever forget your a single mum when dating and the prospective partner will also have to accept the situation.
until you're comfortable keep all the romantic side private (we men just have to deal with it!)
and I suppose follow what I have said above.
I really do hope this helps.
Tomidb9 | |
|
| How should a single mom, with no help, date?
Posted: 5/14/2008 11:51:26 PM | Lady Nellie,
I have dated a few single moms. I have dealt with various rules pertaining to their children and dating... Starting with no kiddie contact for several months to the other extreme that the child(ren) come on dates usual with a no contact rule (between the adults).
From what I have learned , if looking for a spouse I believe that the child(ren) should be kept out of the picture for the first few dates until some chemistry is confirmed. After that,I believe that the child(ren) should be included on most dates following the no contact rules...
The reason I see it important that the children are involved is that the sooner the mother sees chemistry between the date and her children then some of the worries are laid to rest about him getting along with her little ones.
The opposite is also true. She may see that he isn't 'father material*' or he may find that her kids are in his opinion pain in the a$$es or may disagree with her parenting techniques**and the relationship should cease.
As far as getting some babysitting support for at least the first few initial dates, there is nothing wrong with telling the date that you have children and you would appreciate splitting the costs of babysitting... Or you could try one of the free methods of childcare others have posted...
Just my views,
Sammy
* I know that many single parent mums are not looking for a father for their child(ren), but like it or not should the couple become a family unit he will be a father figure to some degree--it is a fact of life
** Yes I know they are her children, but if he finds her parenting lacks or has a greatly different technique than he would have, then there will eventually be problems... | |
|
| How should a single mom, with no help, date?
Posted: 5/15/2008 8:25:00 AM | | I totally understand where you are coming from as i am in your situation with three children. I say you know what you are doing and don't let anyone tell you otherwise!!!!! :-) I wish you the best!!! | |
|
| How should a single mom, with no help, date?
Posted: 5/18/2008 7:06:25 PM | I think if a guy is serious about you he will accept that, for a while, you may have to have some 'kid friendly' dates. Going to the park is a great way to get to know people, your child can run and play while you sit and talk with the person you are getting to know. Go to sporting events, the park, maybe the swimming pool, out for a meal (depending on the age of the child) or hire some movies (kid friendly,  ). Sometimes having some familiar faces around helps the child accept that this is a new friend and that they might be able to have some fun together- like playing basketball, boardgames and other fun things  | |
|
| How should a single mom, with no help, date?
Posted: 5/19/2008 10:09:01 AM | | I have this problem to a certain extent.. I go to school a few nights a week in the evenings and my parents watch my children while I am there so I feel 100% guilty to ask them to watch the kids while I am out 'playing'.. The only time I do go out and actually be 'Heather' instead of mommy is when the kids are at their dads house.. I would NEVER have a stranger or someone outside of the family baby-sit for me.. To scary, just to bad I do not have a larger family.. | |
|
| |
| How should a single mom, with no help, date?
Posted: 5/22/2008 7:28:20 AM | | You know what, girl you can never really "know" anyone nowadays. but i say give dating a chance. and who knows you might find a good man for your son to look up to in the end. its not abuse to introduce different people into youre sons life if they are decent. because people come and go sometimes thats just the way life is. as long as your son knows he comes first in your life that is all the stability he needs. | |
|
| How should a single mom, with no help, date?
Posted: 5/23/2008 2:58:12 PM | Lady Nellie,
You can date. You need to find a reliable babysitter or a close friend that you would trust to watch your child. YOu can do everything a non parent does. Dont use being a single parent as a crutch for not dating. I believe and this is just my opinion that children should NOT see their parents partners coming and going. It is not a good example for them and it is also hard on them if they get attached. They have already lost the comforts of mom and dad being there and should a relationship not last then they go through that heartache.
Why dont you network. There are tons of single mothers swap groups that take turns babysitting and or groups through churches, high schools, etc. IF you truly want to date then do some research. I have raised my daughter for 11 years now with NO help from family or the father. I am here to say it can be done. Its not easy but can be done. It also helps you to get out and meet new people. I am not by any means saying have just anyone watch your child but surely you have friends you trust or know someone from church etc that could direct you to a positive and safe arrangement for child care. If nothing else look up your local networking sites or single parent groups...
Stay focused and remember your child comes first. You dont need to wait until your son is grown only until you find reliable and safe child care..
Good luck | |
|
| How should a single mom, with no help, date?
Posted: 6/3/2008 8:23:58 AM | I am a single dad that has been single since my son was 6 months old. My son was with me when i was off work and with his mother when i was at work. I could not take my son to his mother for me to date, and i had no family to count on. He just turned 16 and got his drivers licens. I can finally go out and date. Now the problem is i havnt gone out in so long i dont know how to date. I missed out on that 16 yrs of mixing with the opposit sex. I feel like every woman will just picture me as a horney old fart just trying to get laid. That is partially true but i would like to find someone permanant so i dont need to date. | |
|
pk66
|
Joined: 3/23/2008
Msg: 63 | |
| How should a single mom, with no help, date?
Posted: 6/3/2008 8:55:14 AM | | Please take some advice from an older woman who has lived through this situation. When my marriage split up my children were 12 & 13. I like you didn't want to parade a group of men in and out of my children's lives. I unfortunately took the wrong road. I made my children's happiness and lives come first. I didn't date for 7 years after the split. I was lonely, depressed and felt insignificant. When I finally decided to accept a date offer. I was terrified. I realized it had been 20 years since my last date. Didn't know how to react, would I laugh at the wrong moment, would I embarass my self to no end, did I know any of the signs and what did those signs mean today. Please do not let yourself get to this point. You say you do not have sitters but you have friends ask for help. I personally wouldn't bring someon around your child till the guy is ready and you have some feelings for him. Then sit your son down and talk to him about it. Kids are quite accepting and they are great judge of characters. My son hated the first man I brought home and 2 months later found out he was a cheater so they you are. Trust yourself to do the right thing for you!! | |
|
| How should a single mom, with no help, date?
Posted: 6/3/2008 2:04:30 PM | | Do not bring the children on a date without telling the guy first..total turn off and do not bring the kids on date#1 get a sitter or reschedule the date. | |
|
| How should a single mom, with no help, date?
Posted: 6/4/2008 1:58:28 PM | its real hard sometimes sometimes altho you have friends they wont baby sit for you to go on a date cause they get a little strange as they cant get a date so why should you ect. others just dont have the network around to get a sitter not one theyd trust anyhow. i joined a date site a year or so ago and there was a forum on there it was a bit differetn to these forums mre light hearted and the interaction was great. men and women got on really well and thro that site i made loads of mates close ones too us mums met a few times with the kids ect different places the kids would enjoy to and altho some of then lived up to 50 miles away or so we became great reinds and in time the trust was there to leave the kids with them and there kids with me.
on the other hand i have b4 now bought a date into my home as i havent had a sitter, ive told nieghbours and freinds so that i felt safe but its not a good thing to do as you never know what could happen so i havent done that for some time and wont again.
as for taking ya kids with you no not great but if the child has freinds and the mans really interested then how about you take you kids to the cinima in the day or of a weekend in the daytime with a few of there mates so there safe if the kids are old enough that is and have your date close by just for the time there in the pictures ,or in most towns now in the shopping centers theres a play center a drop in one with registered mnders there, also i know its difficult but idf you date in the day time you could hire a registered carer you can get a list from socail services. but no its never ideal which ever way you do it, not till the man or lady your dating you know is the right one so you can involve your kids | |
|
| How should a single mom, with no help, date?
Posted: 6/4/2008 8:32:11 PM | Sounds morre like a self pity thread to me.
The most succesful pick up joint , by far, remains the supermarket and you don't neeed sitters when you go there. | |
|
| How should a single mom, with no help, date?
Posted: 6/5/2008 3:01:14 AM | | have you thought about dating a single dad thats in the same position as you, perhaps meeting i a public place by taking your kids to a zoo or something. | |
|
| How should a single mom, with no help, date?
Posted: 6/5/2008 2:37:28 PM | | Hello Lady....I so understand your situation, because I'm there. Although I do get some help from my brother with babysitting, every once in a while (once every 2 months or so), which truly isnt enough but I do value when he gets a chance to do it. And I don't leave my child with just anyone, my son has autism and his communications skills aren't the best to tell me if something went wrong. Anyways, most of the time what I do is set lunch dates, when my child is in school. Another thing I've used is vacation time and I would meet during the day and go bowling or play pool. But just like you after I make sure the person is worthy of meeting my little one I start arranging for family oriented activities. The person I'm with if he truly wants to be with me will have to accept my son being around 100% of the time. Otherwise I know it's not going to work. I so hope the best for you and your baby and that a good understanding man comes your way! | |
|
| How should a single mom, with no help, date?
Posted: 6/9/2008 5:13:27 PM |
I'm not ashamed to admit it, I need friends!! I want to talk to other moms and dads that live and understand the life I do.
Robyn, If you really feel that way you should expand your email parameters - I wanted to email you, but at 47 I am "too old". I have no problem just talking or meeting people - not everyone has to be a sexual partner! | |
|
| How should a single mom, with no help, date?
Posted: 6/9/2008 8:23:51 PM | YES. It is VERY wrong for a child to meet multiple friends of the opposite sex and can in so many instances take offense to.. you, that you're not really giving the child the dad he so desperately wants and needs. If you've no help from extended neighbors, if you have a girlfriend who has children, and/or neighbor, etc. trade off days babysitting for free. You watch my kid on Friday and I'll watch yours on Sat that way, each get's adult time, and you know your child is in good care while your out on a date.
Children, whether perceived as a "friend" or not, are smarter than most give them credit and can smell a "friend" vs. "(friend)" a mile away.
I've yet to introduce a woman to my children and will stay that way at least several months of me dating said woman. | |
|
Home
login 
