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| This & That!
Posted: 2/7/2009 10:29:27 PM | | Paddy was found dead in his back yard, and as the weather was a bit on the warm side, the wake was held down to only two days, so his mortal remains wouldn't take a bad turn. At last his friends laid him in the box, nailed it shut & started down the hill into the churchyard. As it was a long, sloping path and the mourners were appropriately tipsy, one fellow lurched into the gatepost as they entered the graveyard. Suddenly a loud knocking came from in the box. Paddy was alive! They opened the box up and he sat up, wide eyed, and they all said, Sure, it's a miracle of God! All rejoiced & they went back and had a few more drinks but later that day, the poor lad died. Really died. Stone cold dead. They bundled him back into his box, and as they huffed and puffed down the hill the next morning, the priest said, "Careful now, boys; mind ye don't bump the gatepost again" | |
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| This & That!
Posted: 2/7/2009 10:30:23 PM | A young Irishman sat at a pub in the New World drinking beer and conversin' with the barkeep. Another comes in and sits besides him. He says how you do and hears the lilt and says you be Irish? Yes I am. The first man yells barkeep give us another round and one for my friend here he's from the mother country as well. The second man asks-so where in the old country ye from. Dublin responds the first. Dublin you say - so am I and the second man hollers barkeep bring us another round and a shot of your best Irish Whiskey for me and my friend here. Afterwards the first man asks from where in Dublin
and the second man responds with the street and the first man says well I'll be - so am I and yells barkeep another pair of beers and Irish Whiskey for the pair of us. The phone behind the bar rings and the barkeep answers it. The owner of the
pub asks - how is business. The barkeep responds - not too bad - The O'Malley twins are here getting drunk again.
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His wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning Finnegan. "Did she say anything before she died?" asked the sergeant. "She spoke without interruption for about forty years," said the Irishman. | |
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| This & That!
Posted: 2/7/2009 10:34:06 PM | Psychiatrists vs. Bartenders
EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM . . . 'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.' 'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.' 'How much do you charge?' 'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor. 'I'll sleep on it,' I said.
Six months later the doctor met me on the street. 'Why didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked. 'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought myself a new pickup!' 'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?' 'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now ! ! ! '
NEVERMIND THOSE SHRINKS.. GO HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO YOUR BARTENDER!  | |
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| This & That!
Posted: 2/8/2009 5:07:49 PM | Subject: Job opening...
A young man goes into the Job Center in Winnipeg, Manitoba, and sees a notice advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant.
Interested, he goes to learn more –
"Can you give me some more details?" he asks the clerk.
The clerk pulls up the file and says, 'The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help them out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so that they're ready for the gynecologist's examination. There's an annual salary of $65,000, but you're going to have to go to Steinbach.
That's a good few miles from here.'"
"'Oh, is that where the job is?"
"No sir - that's where the end of the line is right now. " | |
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| This & That!
Posted: 2/9/2009 8:26:01 AM | Getting older in Florida
Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch in Bonita Springs doing nothing.
One lady turns and asks, "Do you still get horny?"
The other replies, "Oh, sure I do."
The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?"
The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver."
After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach?"
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Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home in Ft. Lauderdale , reminiscing.
The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.
The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper too, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny apiece.
The third old lady remarked, "I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about."
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A little old lady was sitting on a park bench in The Villages, a Florida Adult community.
A man walks over and sits down on the other end of the bench.
After a few moments, the woman asks, "Are you a stranger here?"
He replies, "I lived here years ago."
"So, where were you all these years?"
"In prison," he says.
"Why did they put you in prison?"
He looks at her, and very quietly says, "I killed my wife."
"Oh!" said the woman. "So you're single...?!"
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Two elderly people living in Ft. Myers , he was a widower and she a widow, had known each other for a number of years. One evening there was a community supper in the big arena in the Clubhouse. The two were at the same table, seated across from one another. As the meal progressed, he took a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered the courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?" After about six seconds of careful consideration, she answered, "Yes. Yes, I will!"
The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places. Next morning, he was troubled. Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'? He couldn't remember. Try as he might, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her. First, he explained that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he inquired, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?" He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart." Then she continued, "And I'm so glad you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me."
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A man was telling his neighbor in Miami , "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."
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Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to his doctor in Estero to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. After a couple of days, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
"Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma' and 'be cheerful'," Morris replied. To which the doctor replied, "I didn't say that, Morris. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur, be careful!'"
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A little old man shuffled slowly into the 'Orange Dipper,' an ice cream parlor in Naples , and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "hemorrhoids." | |
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| This & That!
Posted: 2/9/2009 6:53:49 PM | TWO OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAYS AND DECIDE TO HAVE A LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN. AFTER A FEW DRINKS, THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL BROTHEL.
THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS AND WHISPERS TO HER MANAGER, "GO UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN EACH BED. THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK, I'M NOT WASTING TWO OF MY GIRLS ON THEM. THEY WON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE."
THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO OLD MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS. AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS, "YOU KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL WAS DEAD!"
"DEAD?" SAYS HIS FRIEND, "WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?"
"WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE TIME I WAS LOVING HER."
HIS FRIEND SAYS, "COULD BE WORSE I THINK MINE WAS A WITCH."
"A WITCH ??. . . WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT?"
"WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON THE NECK, AND I GAVE HER A LITTLE BITE, THEN SHE FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW... TAKING MY TEETH WITH HER." | |
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| This & That!
Posted: 2/9/2009 10:54:30 PM | Irishman went to a pet shop and asked how many budgies were in stock. "We have 99" replied the shop owner "Give us the lot" said the Irish man, paid for them and left. He went to a tailors shop and had 99 pockets sewn into a jacket, put a budgie in each pocket, went up to the Post Office Tower and jumped off. He hit the ground with an almighty smack and lay there groaning until a passer-by came and asked him what had happened. "I don't know sur" he replied "but that's the last time I try that budgie jumping"
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Pat and Mike were doing some street repairs in front of a known house of ill repute in Boston. A Jewish Rabbi came walking down the street, looked the left, looked to right, and ducked into the house. Pat paused a bit from swinging his pick and said "Mike will you look at that! A man of the cloth, and going into a place like that in broad daylight!". A bit later, a Baptist minister came down the street, looked to the left, looked to the right, and scurried into the house. Mike layed down his shovel, turned to Pat and said "Pat! Are you seeing what I'm seeing? A man of the Church, and he's giving that place his custom!" Just then, a Catholic Priest came down the street, looked to the left, looked to the right, and slipped into the bawdy house. Pat and Mike straightened up, removed their hats, and Mike says "Faith, and there must be somebody sick in there."
*******
Pat and Mick landed themselves a job at a sawmill. Just before morning tea pat yelled: "Mick! I lost me finger!" "Have you now?" says Mick. "And how did you do it?" "I just touched this big spinning thing here like thi...Damn! There goes another one!" | |
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| This & That!
Posted: 2/9/2009 10:56:08 PM | A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said, 'You have been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking.' The cat thought for a minute and then said, 'All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on.' God said, 'Say no more.' Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow. A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to Heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that He made to the cat. The mice said, 'Well, we have had to run all of our lives: from cats, dogs, and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little roller skates, we would not have to run again.' God answered, 'It is done.' All the mice had beautiful little roller skates. About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, 'Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?' The cat replied, 'Oh, it is WONDERFUL. I have never been so happy in my life. The pillow is so fluffy, and those little Meals on Wheels you have been sending over are delicious!'
Hey we need a cute clean one every once in a while! | |
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| This & That!
Posted: 2/9/2009 10:57:13 PM | An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas .
Bert had always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.
Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, 'Notice anything different about me?'
Margaret looked him over. 'Nope.'
Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.
Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything different NOW?'
Margaret looked up and exclaimed, 'Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!'
Furious, Bert yelled, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?'
'Nope', she replied.
'IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!'
Without changing her expression, Margaret replied, 'Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat.' | |
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| This & That!
Posted: 2/9/2009 10:57:42 PM | Patrick walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the corner of the room, drinking a sip out of each pint in turn. When he had finished all three, he went back to the bar and ordered three more. The barman says, "You know a pint goes flat soon after I pull it your pint would taste better if you bought one at a time."
Patrick replies, "Well now, I have two brodders, one is in America and de odder in Australia and here I am in Dublin . When we all left home, we promised dat we'd drink dis way to remember de days we all drank togedder."
The barman admits that this is a nice custom and says no more.
Patrick becomes a regular customer and always drinks the same way ordering three pints and drinking a sip out of each in turn, until they are finished. One day, he comes in and orders just two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent.
When he goes back to the bar for the second round, the barman says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."
Patrick looks confused for a moment, then the penny drops and he starts to laugh, "Oh no," he says, "Bejesus, everyone is fine! Tis me ... I've quit drinking!" | |
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| This & That!
Posted: 2/10/2009 12:16:22 AM | Seamus is walking through downtown after the bars are closed a little too worse the wear for th drink and he gets meets six thugs who demand all his money. He decides to fight them for it. He fights like a crazy man but eventually they pin him down and dig through his pockets only to find $4.37.
"4.37? Are you mad, man. Who would fight like that for $4.37?"
"Oh, sure, I thought you were after the $1000 in my shoe." | |
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| This & That!
Posted: 2/10/2009 7:30:31 PM | | A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you." | |
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| This & That!
Posted: 2/10/2009 7:38:57 PM | | A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.” The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.” | |
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| This & That!
Posted: 2/10/2009 7:42:35 PM | | A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he's allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. "Cold floors," he says. They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throats and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says. "That's not surprising," the elders say. "You've done nothing but complain since you got here. | |
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| This & That!
Posted: 2/11/2009 1:28:38 PM | A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a case of beer, any kind except Schlitz.
The bartender says, "What's wrong with Schlitz, don't you like it?
The man says, "I hate that crap. Last night I drank a whole case of Schlitz and blew chunks."
The bartender says, "Buddy, you drink a case of any beer you're going to blow chunks".
"You don't understand," said the man, "Chunks is my dog."
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| This & That!
Posted: 2/12/2009 6:32:32 AM | For All Pet Lovers
The following was found posted very low on a refrigerator door.
Dear Dogs and Cats:
The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Racing me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort, however. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom! If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine/feline attendance is not required.
The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.
Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the following message on the front door:
TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS:
(1) They live here. You don't.
(2) If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it 'fur'-niture.
(3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
(4) To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.
Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they
(1) eat less,
(2) don't ask for money all the time,
(3) are easier to train,
(4) normally come when called,
(5) never ask to drive the car,
(6) don't hang out with drug-using people;
(7) don't smoke or drink,
(8) don't want to wear your clothes,
(9) don't have to buy the latest fashions,
(10) don't need a gazillion dollars for college and
(11) if they get pregnant, you can sell their children ..
PP
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| This & That!
Posted: 2/12/2009 1:16:36 PM | One time there was an army camp in India that just received a new commander.
During the new commanders first inspection everything checked out except one thing. There was a camel tied to a tree on the edge of the camp. The commander asked what it was for, one of the soldiers who had been stationed there for a while explained to him that the men sometimes get lonely since there where no woman there so that is why they have the camel.
The commander just let that go, but after a few weeks he was feeling very lonely so he ordered the men to bring the camel into his tent. The men did, and he went to work on it.
After about an hour the commander came out zipped up his pants and said, "So is that how the other men do it?" One of the men responded, "No we usually just use the camel to ride into town.
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| This & That!
Posted: 2/12/2009 5:13:53 PM | A Guy is driving his girlfriend home when she decides she wants to go to her friends instead. Her friend lives out of the way so she tells her boyfriend that she would get naked for him if he drove her. The guy says ok and the girl takes off all her clothes. The boyfriend is so busy looking at her that he stacks the car and gets stuck between the steering wheel and the seat. He tells her to go get help and she replied that she couldn't because she didn't have any clothes on.
He replies, 'Take my shoe and cover your snatch with it, and go for help!'
She takes the shoe and runs to the closest gas station. She finds the clerk and says, "Help, my boyfriend is stuck! Can you help us?"
The clerk replies, "I'm sorry, I think he's too far in." | |
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| This & That!
Posted: 2/13/2009 10:38:03 AM | Will I Live to see 90?
Here's something to think about.
I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 90?"
He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?"
"Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either!"
Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"
I said, "No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"
"No, I don't," I said.
He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"
"No," I said
He looked at me and said,....
"Then, why do you even give a s - - t ?"
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| This & That!
Posted: 2/13/2009 12:48:15 PM | A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.
"Mom", he asked, "Are these my brains?"
"Not yet," she replied.
PP
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| This & That!
Posted: 2/15/2009 1:08:27 PM | $7.00 Sex
Here's your smile for the day!!!
A Florida couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist's office.
The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?'
The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?'
The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees. When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse.' He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says good bye.
The next week, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees. This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.
Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?'
The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything.
She's married and we can't go to her house.
I'm married and we can't go to my house.
The Holiday Inn charges $98.
The Hilton charges $139.
We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare. | |
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| This & That!
Posted: 2/16/2009 6:50:07 AM | Kelly limps into his favorite pub...
My god! What happened to you?" the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast.
"I got in a tiff with Riley", whispered Kelly to the beertender.
"Riley? He's just a wee fellow," the barkeep said surprised.
"He must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," Kelly said. "A shovel it was."
"Dear Lord. Didn't you have anything in your hand?"
"Aye, that I did - Mrs. Riley's right tit." Kelly said.
"And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight!" | |
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| This & That!
Posted: 2/16/2009 6:52:02 AM | | This man walks into the kitchen, looks at his wife and says "My God, your ass is getting as big as a barbeque". That night they are in bed and he is getting frisky. She turns to him and says "If you think that I am going to fire up the barbeque for one little wiener, then you're crazy". | |
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| This & That!
Posted: 2/16/2009 6:54:16 AM | Some people grow old gracefully, while others fight and scratch the whole way.
Andy's wife, refusing to give in to the looks of growing old, goes out and buys a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger.
After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asks her husband - "Darling, honestly, if you didn't know me, what age would you say I am?"
Looking over her carefully, Andy replied,...
"Judging from your skin, twenty;
your hair, eighteen;
and your figure, twenty five."
"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed. Just as she was about to tell Andy his reward, he stops her by saying...
"WHOA, hold on there sweety!" Andy interrupted.
"I haven't added them up yet!" | |
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| This & That!
Posted: 2/16/2009 6:59:47 AM | Airport immigration......
NAME:Muhammed al Facid
SEX:Yes 3 times a week.
NO I MEAN FEMALE OR MALE:Oh that doesn't matter to me, sometimes I even do it with camels. | |
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