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| This & That!
Posted: 2/16/2009 2:22:16 PM | A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away. The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the hell was that?"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce!"
"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Infiniti or Lexus in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours." Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.
"Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.
"That's his mistress," says her husband.
"Ours is prettier," she replies. | |
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| This & That!
Posted: 2/18/2009 1:46:25 AM | I love Forwards!!!
In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn't the same elephant.
This is for all of my friends who send me those heart-warming $=##*$&* stories. | |
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| This & That!
Posted: 2/19/2009 8:00:27 AM | A husband and wife are cooing over their new born baby.
"Look at the size of his todger," says the man. "It's massive!"
"Yes dear," says the woman. "But at least he's got your ears". | |
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| This & That!
Posted: 2/19/2009 8:46:01 AM | Little Johnny to Billy, "You know, Jane Smith cheats!"
"Why do you say that?" asked Billy.
"Well she said she'd show me hers if I showed her mine - but it turns out she hasn't got one!" exclaimed Little Johnny. | |
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| This & That!
Posted: 2/26/2009 10:01:21 AM | Husband Store
A store that sells new husbands has opened in Winnipeg,
where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the
instructions at the entrance is a description of how the
store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors
and the value of the products increase as the shopper
ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a
particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor,
but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On
the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where
the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want
more.' So she continues upward. The third floor sign
reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely
Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep
going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead
Good Looking and Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly
stand it!’ Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the
sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead
Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic
Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor,
where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There
are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof
that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping
at the Husband Store. (scroll and keep reading!)
PLEASE NOTE: To avoid gender bias charges, the store's
owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and
like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been
visited. | |
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| This & That!
Posted: 2/27/2009 4:53:08 PM | A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, I bet you can't tell me something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time."
She replied, "Oh, yes, I can. You have the biggest penis of all your friends."
PP
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| This & That!
Posted: 2/27/2009 4:56:06 PM | My broker says he's sleeping like a baby.
He wakes up every few hours and cries. | |
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| This & That!
Posted: 3/2/2009 11:41:21 AM | Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can breed their own stock.
They only have $600 left. Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.'
The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.'
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, 'It's just 99 cents a word.' Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.
After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send her the word 'comfortable. '
The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable? '
The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll read it very slowly ... com-for-da-bull. '
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| This & That!
Posted: 3/2/2009 2:01:04 PM | | Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison? | |
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| This & That!
Posted: 3/6/2009 1:37:04 PM | You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on...
If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their famous sketch, 'Who's on First?' might have turned out something like this:
COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office..
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later)
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on 'START'............
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| This & That!
Posted: 3/7/2009 1:37:50 PM | A linguistics professor was lecturing his class.
"In English," he explained, "a double negative forms a positive. In some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative."
"However," the professor continued, "there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."
A voice from the back of the room piped up. "Yeah, right." | |
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| This & That!
Posted: 3/10/2009 8:49:11 PM | I was walking past the mental hospital the other day,
and all the patients were shouting, 13....13....13
The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little
gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on.
Some **stard poked me in the eye with a stick.
Then they all started shouting, 14....14....14... | |
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| This & That!
Posted: 3/15/2009 8:57:52 PM | Newfoundland Ghost Story
This happened in a little town, Norris Arm, in Newfoundland, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's absolutely true.
This fellow was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night in the middle of a terrible rainstorm, and no cars were on the road. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.
Suddenly, a car came toward him and stopped. Without thinking, he got in the car and closed the door and only then did he realize that there was nobody behind the wheel!
The car started to move very slowly. He looked at the road and saw a curve
coming his way. Petrified, he started to pray, begging for his life.
Just before the car hit the curve, a hand suddenly appeared through the window and moved the steering wheel.
The fellow, now paralyzed in terror, watched as the hand appeared every time the car was approaching a curve.
Finally, although terrified, he managed to open the door and jump out of the spooky car. Without looking back, he ran through the storm all the way to the nearest town.
Soaking wet; exhausted and in a state of utter shock the pale, visibly shaken man, walked into a nearby bar and asked for two shots of Screech.
Then, still trembling with fright, he started telling everybody about the horrible experience he just went through with the spooky car with no driver and the mysterious hand that kept appearing.
Everyone listened in silence and became frightened, hairs standing on end when they realized the fellow was telling the truth.
About half an hour later two guys walked into the same bar and one said to the other, 'Lard Thundern Jasus, me son, there's the arsehole who got into the car while we were pushing it!' | |
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| This & That!
Posted: 3/22/2009 10:22:46 PM | Not my Cup of Tea!!
One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.
I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as
A gift and it was one of my favorite toys.
Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I
Brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several
Cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.
My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of
Tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' My Mom waited, and sure
Enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she
Watches him drink it up.
Then she says, (as only a mother would know... :)
'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?
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| This & That!
Posted: 3/23/2009 5:54:44 AM | SUSIE LEE DONE FELL IN LOVE, SUSIE LEE DONE FELL IN LOVE,
SHE PLANNED TO MARRY JOE.
SHE WAS SO HAPPY 'BOUT IT ALL,
SHE TOLD HER PAPPY SO.
PAPPY TOLD HER, SUSIE GAL,
YOU'LL HAVE TO FIND ANOTHER.
I'D JUST AS SOON YO' MA DON'T KNOW,
BUT JOE IS YO' HALF BROTHER.
SO SUSIE PUT ASIDE HER JOE
AND PLANNED TO MARRY WILL.
BUT AFTER TELLING PAPPY THIS,
HE SAID, 'THERE'S TROUBLE STILL.'
YOU CAN'T MARRY WILL, MY GAL,
AND PLEASE DON'T TELL YO' MOTHER.
BUT WILL AND JOE, AND SEVERAL MO'
I KNOW IS YO' HALF BROTHER.
BUT MAMA KNEW AND SAID, MY CHILD,
JUST DO WHAT MAKES YO' HAPPY.
MARRY WILL OR MARRY JOE;
YOU AIN'T NO KIN TO PAPPY.
Kinda' brings a tear to yer eye, don't it? | |
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| This & That!
Posted: 3/23/2009 5:56:29 AM | 'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.' The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano?' 'Yes, Father, it is.' 'And who was the girl you were with?' 'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation.' 'Well Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?' 'Father, I cannot say.' 'Was it Nina Capelli?' 'Father, I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.' 'Was it Cathy Piriano?' 'Father, My lips are sealed.' 'Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?' 'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.' The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, Joey Pagano, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for four months. Now go and behave yourself.' Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'
'Four months vacation and five good leads.' | |
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| This & That!
Posted: 3/23/2009 5:58:15 AM | 'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.' The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano?' 'Yes, Father, it is.' 'And who was the girl you were with?' 'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation.' 'Well Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?' 'Father, I cannot say.' 'Was it Nina Capelli?' 'Father, I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.' 'Was it Cathy Piriano?' 'Father, My lips are sealed.' 'Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?' 'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.' The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, Joey Pagano, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for four months. Now go and behave yourself.' Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'
'Four months vacation and five good leads.' | |
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| This & That!
Posted: 3/26/2009 2:05:04 AM | Gay Guys at Zoo
Two Gay Guys are walking through a zoo. They come across the gorilla and notice that the male gorilla has a massive erection. The gay men are fascinated by this.
One of the men just can't bear it any longer, and he reaches into the cage to touch it.
The gorilla grabs him, drags him into the cage and mates with him for six hours, non-stop, while the zoo attendants helplessly stand by.
When he's done, the gorilla throws the man out of the cage. An ambulance is called and the man is taken away to the hospital. A few days later, his friend visits him in the hospital and asks, 'Are you hurt?'
'AM I HURT?' he shouts, 'Wouldn't you be? ....he hasn't called....he hasn't written....' | |
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| This & That!
Posted: 4/1/2009 8:24:54 AM | Whether a man winds up with a nest egg, or a goose egg, depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries.
Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earnin' his salt that he forgets his sugar.
Too many couples marry for better, or for worse, but not for good.
When a man marries a woman, they become one; but the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
If a man has enough horse sense to treat his wife like a thoroughbred, she will never turn into an old nag.
On anniversaries, the wise husband always forgets the past - but never the present.
A foolish husband says to his wife, "Honey, you stick to the washin', ironin', cookin' and scrubbin'. No wife of mine is gonna work."
Many girls like to marry a military man - he can cook, sew, and make beds and is in good health, and he's already used to taking orders.
Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?
You know you are getting old, when everything either dries up or leaks.
Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you. | |
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| This & That!
Posted: 4/1/2009 3:09:23 PM | A fellow walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter,and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills.
He guesses there must be
more than ten thousand dollars in it.
He approaches the bartender and asks,
'What's with the money in the jar?'
'Well......you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money and the keys to a brand new Lexus.'
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up.
And so he asks, 'What are the three tests?'
'You must pay first.....
Those are the rules,' says the bartender.
So, after thinking it over a while,
the man gives the bartender the $10
and the bartender drops it into the jar.
'Okay,' the bartender says,
'Here's what you need to do:
First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in a minute or less, and
you can't make a face while doing it.
Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands.
Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs
who has never had sex....
You have to take care of that problem!'
The man is stunned.
'I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot!
I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts
to drink a quart of tequila, and
then do all those other things...'
'Your call,' says the bartender.....
'But, your money stays where it is.'
As time goes on, and the man has a few more drinks, he finally says,
'Where's the damn tequila?'
He grabs the bottle with both hands
and drinks it as fast as he can.
Tears stream down both cheeks...
but he doesn't make a face, and
he did it in fifty-eight seconds!
Next, he staggers out the back door,
where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole.
Soon the people inside the bar hear
growling , biting, and screaming sounds...
then nothing but silence!
Just when they think that
the man surely must be dead,
he staggers back into the bar,
with his shirt ripped open
and there are scratches and
he's bleeding all over his body.
He says, 'Now where's that old woman
with the bad tooth?' | |
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| This & That!
Posted: 4/2/2009 6:37:22 PM | Top 10 Rejection Lines Given by Women (and what they actually mean..)
10. I think of you as a brother. (You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in "Deliverance")
9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (You are one Jurassic geezer.)
8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way (You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes upon)
7. My life is too complicated right now. (I don't want you spending the whole night or else you
may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing)
6. I've got a boyfriend (who's really my male cat and a half gallon of Ben & Jerry's)
5. I don't date men where I work (Hey bud, I wouldn't even date you if you were in the same solar system, much less the same building)
4. It's not you, it's me (It's not me, it's you)
3. I'm concentrating on my career (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)
2. I'm celibate. (I've sworn off *only* the men like you.)
...and the #1 rejection line given by women (and what it actually means)
1. Let's be friends. (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with.
Top 10 Rejection Lines Given by Men (and what they actually mean..)
10. I think of you as a sister (You're ugly)
9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (You're ugly)
8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You're ugly)
7. My life is too complicated right now. (You're ugly)
6. I've got a girlfriend (You're ugly)
5. I don't date women where I work (You're ugly)
4. It's not you, it's me (You're ugly)
3. I'm concentrating on my career (You're ugly)
2. I'm celibate (You're ugly)
..and the #1 rejection line given by men:
1. Let's be Friends (You're SINFULLY ugly!) | |
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| This & That!
Posted: 4/7/2009 8:23:06 AM | Anger Management :
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered
A phone call I'd forgotten to make.
I found the number and dialed it.
A man answered, saying
'Hello.'
I politely said,
'This is Chris.
Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?'
Suddenly a maniacal voice yelled out in my ear
'Get the right f***ing number!'
And the phone was slammed down on me.
I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.
When I tracked down Robyn 's correct number to call her,
I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.
After hanging up with her,
I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled
'You're an ***hole!'
And hung up.
I wrote his number down with the word '***hole' next to it,
And put it in my desk drawer.
Every couple of weeks,
When I was paying bills or had a really bad day,
I'd call him up and yell,
'You're an ***hole!'
It always cheered me up.
When Caller ID was introduced,
I thought my therapeutic '***hole'
Calling would have to stop.
So, I called his number and said,
'Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company.
I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?'
He yelled
'NO!'
And slammed down the phone.
I quickly called him back and said,
'That's because you're an ***hole!'
And hung up.
One day I was at the store,
Getting ready to pull into a parking Spot.
Some guy in a black BMW
Cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for.
I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot,
But the idiot ignored me.
I noticed a 'For Sale ' sign in his back window,
So I wrote down his number.
A couple of days later,
Right after calling the first ***hole
(I had his number on speed dial,)
I thought that I'd better call the BMW ***hole, too.
I said,
'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?'
He said,
'Yes, it is.'
I then asked,
'Can you tell me where I can see it?'
He said,
'Yes, I live at 34 Oak St. , in East St. Paul . . .
It's a yellow ranch style house and the car's parked right out in front.'
I asked,
'What's your name?'
He said,
'My name is Don Hansen,'
I asked,
'When's a good time to catch you, Don?'
He said,
'I'm home every evening after five.'
I said,
'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?'
He said,
'Yes?'
I said,
'Don, you're an ***hole!'
Then I hung up,
And added his number to my speed dial, too.
Now, when I had a problem,
I had two ***holes to call.
Then I came up with an idea...
I called ***hole #1.
He said,
'Hello.'
I said,
'You're an ***hole!'
(But I didn't hang up.)
He asked,
'Are you still there?'
I said,
'Yeah!'
He screamed,
'Stop calling me,'
I said,
'Make me,'
He asked,
'Who are you?'
I said,
'My name is Don Hansen.'
He said,
'Yeah? Where do you live?'
I said,
'***hole, I live at 34 Oak St , in East St. Paul ,
A yellow ranch style home and
I have a black Beamer parked in front.'
He said,
'I'm coming over right now, Don.
And you had better start saying your prayers.'
I said,
'Yeah, like I'm really scared, ***hole,'
And hung up.
Then I called ***hole #2.
He said,
'Hello?'
I said,
'Hello, ***hole,'
He yelled,
'If I ever find out who you are...'
I said,
'You'll what?'
He exclaimed,
'I'll kick your ass,'
I answered,
'Well, ***hole, here's your chance.
I'm coming over right now.'
Then I hung up and immediately called the police,
saying that I lived at 34 Oak St., in East St. Paul ,
and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.
Then I called Global News
about the gang war going down in Oak St. in East St. Paul ..
I quickly got into my car and headed over to East St. Paul.
I got there just in time to watch two ***holes
beating the crap out of each other
in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter
and surrounded by a news crew.
I feel much better.
Anger management really does work. | |
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| This & That!
Posted: 4/14/2009 8:08:38 AM | Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old,
But they know they are in love.
One day they decide that they want to get married,
So Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.
Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, 'Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are
In love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage.'
Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies,
'Well, Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you two live?'
Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies, 'In
Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely.'
Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin,
'Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job.
You'll need to support Jenny.'
Again, Bruce inst antly replies, 'Our allowance. Jenny makes five bucks
A week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month
And that should do us just fine.'
Mr. Smith is impressed Bruce has put so much thought into this.
'Well, Bruce, it seems like you have everything figured out.
I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you
Should have little ones of your own?'
Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says,
'Well, we've been lucky so far.'
Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little shit is adorable. | |
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| This & That!
Posted: 4/14/2009 10:57:52 AM | LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT MY WEEKEND . . .
An older, white haired man walked into a jewellery store one
Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.
He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his
girlfriend. The jeweller looked through his stock and brought
out a $5,000 ring. The old man said, 'No, I'd like to see
something more special.'
At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and
brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only
$40,000' the jeweller said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled
with excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'
The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the old
man stated, 'by check. I know you need to make sure my
check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank
Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday
afternoon,' he said.
Monday morning, the jeweller phoned the old man.
'There's no money in that account.'
'I know,' said the old man, 'But let me tell you about my weekend!'
All Seniors Aren't Senile
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| This & That!
Posted: 4/15/2009 12:20:23 AM | A LITTLE THREE YEAR OLD BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET. HIS MOTHER THINKS HE HAS BEEN IN THERE TOO LONG, SO SHE GOES IN TO SEE WHAT'S UP. THE LITTLE BOY IS GRIPPING ON TO THE TOILET SEAT WITH HIS LEFT HAND AND HITTING HIMSELF ON TOP OF THE HEAD WITH HIS RIGHT HAND. HIS MOTHER SAYS: "BILLY ARE YOU ALRIGHT? YOU'VE BEEN IN HERE FOR AWHILE." BILLY SAYS: "I'M FINE, MOMMY. I JUST HAVEN'T GONE 'DOODY' YET." MOTHER SAYS: "OK, YOU CAN STAY HERE A FEW MORE MINUTES. BUT, BILLY, WHY ARE YOU HITTING YOURSELF ON THE HEAD?"
BILLY SAYS: "WORKS FOR KETCHUP."
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