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| This & That!
Posted: 4/15/2009 12:21:51 AM | The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question. As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.' He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?' She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tires.'
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An elderly gentleman....
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'
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An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.' The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?' The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... The one that's red and has thorns.' 'Do you mean a rose?' 'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'
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A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?' 'Yep!' 'Do I know her?' 'Nope!' 'This woman, is she good looking?' 'Not really.' 'Is she a good cook?' 'Naw, she can't cook too well.' 'Does she have lots of money?' 'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.' 'Well, then, is she good in bed?' 'I don't know.' 'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?' 'Because she can still drive!'
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A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.' 'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'
' Twelve thirty .'
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Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?' Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'' The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.' | |
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| This & That!
Posted: 4/15/2009 12:23:53 AM | At Saint Mary's Catholic Church they have a weekly husband's marriage seminar.
At the session last week, the Priest asked Boris, who was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.
Boris replied to the assembled husbands, 'Vell, I've a tried to treata her good, spenda the money on her, but best is that I took her to the Ukraine for our 20th anniversary!'
The Priest responded, 'Boris, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here!
Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary.'
Boris proudly replied, 'I'm a gonna go and get her.'  | |
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| This & That!
Posted: 4/17/2009 10:57:27 AM | Roy, an undertaker, came home with a black eye. "What happened to you?"
asked his wife."
"I had a terrible day," replies Roy."I had to go to a hotel and pick up
a man who had died in his sleep. When I got there, the manager said
they couldn't get him into a body bag because he had this huge
erection. Anyway, I find the room and, sure enough, there's this big
naked guy lying on the bed with this huge erection. So I grabbed it
with both hands and tried to snap it in half."
"I see," says his wife. "But how did you get the black eye?"
Roy: "Wrong room." | |
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| This & That!
Posted: 4/25/2009 6:45:48 AM | Badd Teddy recently explained to me why he refuses to get to married.
He says, "The wedding rings look like minature handcuffs."
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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The Dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in!
--Anonymous
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Gentle Thoughts for Today
A penny saved is a government oversight.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
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Daily Thought:
Some people are like slinkies. Not really good for anything but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs. | |
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| This & That!
Posted: 4/25/2009 6:47:12 AM | An Alabama couple, both certified rednecks, had nine children. They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband 'fixed.' The doctor gladly started the required procedure and asked them what finally made them make the decision do this. Why after nine children. The husband replied that they had read in a recent article that one out of every ten children being born in the United States was Mexican, and they didn't want to take a chance on having a Mexican baby because neither of them could speak Spanish.
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Entertaining in Your Home:
A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
Do not allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners are. | |
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| This & That!
Posted: 4/25/2009 6:48:23 AM | 5 MINUTE CHOCOLATE MUG CAKE
4 tablespoons flour
4 tablespoons sugar
2 tablespoons cocoa
1 egg
3 tablespoons milk
3 tablespoons oil
3 tablespoons chocolate chips (optional)
a small splash of vanilla extract
1 large coffee mug
Add dry ingredients to mug, and mix well. Add the egg and mix thoroughly.
Pour in the milk and oil and mix well. Add the chocolate chips (if using) and vanilla extract, and mix again.
Put your mug in the microwave and cook for 3 minutes at 1000 watts (high).
The cake will rise over the top of the mug, but don't be alarmed!
Allow to cool a little, and tip out onto a plate if desired.
EAT! (this can serve 2 if you want to feel slightly more virtuous).
And why is this the most dangerous cake recipe in the world?
Because now we are all only 5 minutes away from chocolate cake at any time of the day or night!
You are going to print this out straight away, aren't you? | |
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| This & That!
Posted: 4/28/2009 12:38:55 PM | The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the
activities for her 100th birthday were taking place.
Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she would write notes when she needed to communicate.
After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the
right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed
pillows on her right.
A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the
family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.
Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her,
and then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.
A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said, 'Hi, Grandma, you're
looking good! How are they treating you?'
Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to her
nephew......
'**stards won't let me fart.' | |
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| This & That!
Posted: 4/28/2009 3:29:36 PM | One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said..
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."
"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated,
"You come with us, also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"
"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind."
"Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high." | |
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| This & That!
Posted: 5/5/2009 5:33:54 AM | A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness". Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be ok, you'll walk again and everything, but......your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it.
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis." They work great but they don't come cheap. It's $1000 an inch.
The man perks up. "So," the doctor says, "you must decide how many inches you want." But this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision.
The man agrees to talk it over with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"
"Yes I have," says the man.
"And has she helped you make a decision?"
"Yes" says the man.
What is your decision?" asks the doctor.
"We're getting granite countertops." | |
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| This & That!
Posted: 5/11/2009 11:50:19 AM | A blonde and her husband are lying in bed
listening to the next door neighbour's dog.
The dog has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours. The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, 'I've had enough of this'
She goes downstairs. The blonde finally comes back up to bed and her husband says, 'The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?'
The blonde says, 'I've put the dog in our backyard, let's see how they like it.' | |
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| This & That!
Posted: 5/11/2009 11:51:22 AM | Passing an office building late one night, a blonde saw a sign that said, "Press bell for night watchman."
She did so, and after several minutes she heard the watchman clomping down the stairs.
The uniformed man proceeded to unlock first one gate, then another, shut down the alarm system, and finally made his way through the revolving door.
"Well," he snarled at the blonde, "what do you want?"
"I just want to know why you can't ring the bell for yourself?" | |
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| This & That!
Posted: 5/15/2009 11:56:16 PM | Stevie Wonder and Jack Nicklaus are in a bar. Nicklaus turns to Wonder and says, "How is the singing career going?" Stevie says, "Not too bad, the lastest album has gone into the top 10, so all in all I think it is pretty good. By the way, how's the golf?" Nicklaus replies, "Not too bad, I'm not winning as much as I used to, but I'm still making a bit of money. I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that right now." Stevie says, "I always find that when my swing goes wrong I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it, then the next time I play it seems to be alright." Jack says, "YOU PLAY GOLF!?!" Stevie answers, "Yes, I've been playing for years." Nicklaus says, "But I thought you were blind, how can you play golf if you're blind?" Stevie replies, "I get a caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and he calls me, I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him, then when I get to where the ball lands the caddy moves to the green or further down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice." "BUT HOW DO YOU PUTT?" asks Nicklaus. "Well." says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice." Nicklaus is incredulous and says to Stevie, "We must play a game sometime." Wonder replies, "Well people don't take me seriously so I only play for money, and actually I never play for less than $100,000 a hole." Nicklaus thinks about it and says, "OK. I'm game for that. When would you like to play?"
Stevie turns around and says, "I don't mind, and night suits me fine!"
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| This & That!
Posted: 5/21/2009 11:43:41 AM | I'm just passing this thought along....
Have you ever wondered if the one dollar bills in your wallet were ever in a stripper's butt crack?
If not, you're wondering now.
Have a nice day.
or $5 bills or toonies or loonies | |
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| This & That!
Posted: 5/28/2009 6:12:38 AM | An Irishman, a Mexican and a redneck were doing construction work on the scaffolding of a tall building. They were eating lunch. The Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time, I'm going to jump off too." The redneck opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."
Next day the Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death. The Mexican opens his lunch, sees a burrito and jumps too. The redneck opens his lunch, sees the bologna and jumps to his death as well.
At the funeral, the Irishman's wife is weeping. She says, "I I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!" The Mexican's wife also weeps and says, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."
Everyone turned and stared at the redneck's wife. "Hey, don't look at me," she said. "He makes his own lunch." | |
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| This & That!
Posted: 5/28/2009 6:14:13 AM | JEWISH AND CATHOLIC HUMOR
The little girl's dad was Jewish and her mom was Catholic. Mom had been taking the little girl to church every Sunday.
One Sunday, during High Mass, the little girl whispers to her mom, "Mom, can we go home now?"
"No honey, not yet," replied the mother, "the Mass is only half over."
"Then we can go now, Mom. I'm half Jewish!"
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Q. What do you call a blonde clutching at thin air?
A. A woman collecting her thoughts.
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"It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.
~ Homer Simpson
"You hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that, it's called "EVERYBODY" and the meet at the bar."
~ Drew Carey | |
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| This & That!
Posted: 6/23/2009 2:30:40 AM | Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, 'Why is the bride dressed in white?'' The mother replied, 'Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.' The child thought about this for a moment then said, 'So why is the groom wearing black?'
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A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, 'Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!' While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again! As she ran she once again began to pray, 'Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...But please don't shove me either!'
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Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, 'My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.' The second boy says, 'That's nothing, my Dad scribbles a few words on piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.'
The third boy says, 'I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!'
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An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, 'They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.'
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A police recruit was asked during the exam, 'What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?' He answered, 'Call for backup.'
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A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied, 'They couldn't get a baby-sitter.'
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A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to 'Honor thy father and thy mother,' she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?' Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'
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At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and she said, 'Johnny, what is the matter?' Little Johnny responded, 'I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife.'
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Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other, 'What do you think about all this Satan stuff?' The other boy replied, 'Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your Dad.' | |
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| This & That!
Posted: 7/6/2009 8:59:03 AM | 3 guys were riding in a car: a hardware technician, a systems analyst, and a programmer. The systems analyst is driving and when they come to a steep hill he finds that the brakes have failed and the car is accelerating out of control.
So, the driver pumps the emergency brake, downshifts the gears, and rubs the wheels' rims against the curb. He finally wrestles the car to a stop. The three climb out and assess the situation.
Hardware tech: "Let's try and fix it. I'll crawl under the car and take a look. "
Systems analyst: "No. I think we should get someone qualified to fix it, a specialist in brakes."
Programmer: "Why don't we just get back in and see if it happens again?" | |
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| This & That!
Posted: 7/16/2009 8:49:48 PM | THE SNEEZE
They walked in tandem, each of the ninety-two students filing into the already crowded auditorium. With their rich maroon gowns flowing and the traditional caps, they looked almost as grown up as they felt. Dads swallowed hard behind broad smiles and Moms freely brushed away tears.
This class would NOT pray during the commencements----not by choice, but because of a recent court ruling prohibiting it.
The principal and several students were careful to stay within the guidelines allowed by the ruling. They gave inspirational and challenging speeches, but no one mentioned divine guidance and no one asked for blessings on the graduates or their families.
The speeches were nice, but they were routine.....until the final speech received a standing ovation.
A solitary student walked proudly to the microphone. He stood still and silent for just a moment, and then, it happened.
All 92 students, every single one of them, suddenly SNEEZED!!!! The student on stage.. simply looked at the audience and said, 'GOD BLESS YOU, each and every one of you!' And he walked off stage. The audience exploded into applause. This graduating class had found a unique way to invoke God's blessing on their future with or without the court's approval.
Oh, how I wish THIS one would take off and FILL the whole Country!!! | |
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| This & That!
Posted: 7/16/2009 8:51:49 PM | The Funeral
A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were
about 200 men walking single file. The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, 'I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?' 'My wife's.' 'What happened to her?' The man replied, 'My dog attacked and killed her.' He inquired further, 'But who is in the second hearse?' The man answered, 'My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her.' A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.
'Can I borrow the dog?'
The man replied, 'Get in line.' | |
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| This & That!
Posted: 7/16/2009 8:56:08 PM | A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and pair of running boards."
The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?"
"No," the cook said. "Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon."
"Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.
The trucker asked, "What are the beans for, Blondie?"
I LOVE THIS ONE...........
She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!"
FOR ONCE THE BLONDE GETS EVEN!  | |
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| This & That!
Posted: 7/17/2009 10:07:29 AM | A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. 'Human beings are the only animals that stutter,' she says.
A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.'
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler
that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped
over the fence into our yard!' That must've been scary,' said the teacher.
'It sure was,' said the little girl.
'My kitty raised her back, went "Ffffff! Ffffff!, Ffffff," but before she
could say 'F*ck!,' the Rottweiler ate her!
The teacher had to leave the room. | |
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| This & That!
Posted: 7/23/2009 8:44:39 AM | Two male friends are walking down the street talking about their lives as they walk by a laundromat one of the men looks up at his friend and says.....
"I think my wife may be dead"
The other man gets a pale face and is horrified at what his friend has said........stumbles.........and replies
"How do you know that"
His friend replies calm and cool and says
"Well the sex life is the same but the laundry is starting to pile up" | |
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| This & That!
Posted: 7/24/2009 11:35:33 AM | Moe was in the pub yesterday when he suddenly realized he desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so he timed his farts with the beat.
After a couple of songs, Moe started to feel better. He finished his pint and noticed that everybody was staring at him.
Then Moe suddenly remembered that he was listening to his iPod. | |
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| This & That!
Posted: 7/26/2009 7:35:19 PM | Buttercups and Golf balls...
Towards the end of the golf course, Tom hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups.
Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch..
All of a sudden... POOF! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.
She said, "I'm Mother Nature!" "Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups?" "Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life; better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life. As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything the rest of your life!"
Then POOF! ... She was gone!
After Tom recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, "Fred, where are you?"
Fred yells back, "I'm over here in the **** willows."
Tom shouts back, 'DON'T SWING FRED; FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T SWING!!!' | |
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| This & That!
Posted: 7/28/2009 11:11:55 PM | Manitoba Farmer
A man owned a small farm in Manitoba. The Manitoba Labour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.
"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.
" Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who 's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.
The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board.
Then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."
"That's the guy I want to talk to --- the half-wit," says the agent.
"That would be me," replied the farmer. | |
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