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| This & That!
Posted: 4/10/2008 12:39:14 AM | More Points to Ponder
When a sword swallower is on a diet, he eats pins and needles.
There is a big difference between a grand baby and a baby grand.
Baby corn asked the mommy corn where the popcorn was.
First, God created man. Then he had a better idea.
Grow your own Dope. Plant a man.
I haven't found Mr. Right, but I have found Mr. Cheap, Mr. Sleazy and Mr. Wrong.
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.
I never married because there was no need.
I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband.
I have a dog which growls every morning,
a parrot which swears all afternoon
and a cat that comes home late at night.
They wanted to go water-skiing, but couldn't find a lake with a slope.
Her eyes have never been checked; they have always been brown.
Disgusted ant to another, "Life is just one big picnic to you."
Fleas "itch hike" from dog to dog.
A tired cow moos badly. An angry crowd boos madly.
If you have a bad toothache in the rain, you are roaring with pain, while it is pouring with rain.
Everyone knows a pediatrician is a doctor with very little patients. | |
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| This & That!
Posted: 4/10/2008 12:41:48 AM | Ever Wonder Why???
Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not
enough money?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four
billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when
you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word in 'lisp'?
Why is it that no matter what colour bubble bath you
use the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with
their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch
something that's falling off the table
you always manage to knock something else over?
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes? | |
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| This & That!
Posted: 4/10/2008 12:43:57 AM | CAN YOU GET MARRIED IN HEAVEN???
On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter
showed up, they asked him.
St. Peter says, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves. The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple is still waiting. As they waited, they discussed that IF they were allowed to get married in Heaven, what was the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck t ogether FOREVER?" After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you CAN get married in Heaven "Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple. "OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take me to find a LAWYER! | |
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| This & That!
Posted: 4/10/2008 12:50:39 AM | Daily Living Tips
~ If you are choking on an ice cube, don’t panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto!, the blockage will be almost instantly removed.
~ Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
~ Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.
~ A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
~ If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
~ Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget all about the toothache.
~ Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are: You only need two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn’t move and should, use WD-40. If it shouldn’t move and does, use the duct tape.
~ Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
~ Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.
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| This & That!
Posted: 4/11/2008 12:15:05 AM | Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an un-happy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, & then arranging to have her killed.
A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure
who went by the name of 'Artie.' Artie then explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000.
The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any
cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.
Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside.
Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down
payment for the dirty deed.
A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Super Wal-Mart store.
There, he surprised her in the produce department & proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands, as the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath & slumped to the floor.
The manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.
However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras & observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police.
Artie was caught & arrested before he could even leave the store. Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.
The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared...
(You're going to hate me for this... )
"ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A DOLLAR AT WAL-MART!" | |
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| This & That!
Posted: 4/11/2008 10:50:45 PM | Polish Jokes have been around for a very long time. Some people find them offensive, some find them funny, some don't. The thing is, most of these jokes can be applied to practically any race, color, creed, or individual.
Instead of asking: "How many Poles does it take to screw in a light bulb?", you could ask "How many idiots does it take to screw in a light bulb?
The thing is, these Jokes have been with us so long that we no longer associate the words Polish, Pole, Polak, Pollock, with real people, but only the individuals described in the jokes themselves. We might as well leave the name blank and ask you, the user, to insert a name of your own choosing.
Regardless of political correctness, many of our Polish friends find Polish Jokes amusing for the simple reason that they are funny (well, most of them.), and that Poles have a sense of humor too. My personal Polish Joke favorite is:
Question: Who wears a forest ranger's hat and carries a can of kerosene?
Answer: Stanislaus the Fire Prevention Bear of the Polish National Forest Service.
Anyway, we're getting ahead of ourselves here, so on with the jokes.
Polish Jokes have been around for a very long time. Some people find them offensive, some find them funny, some don't. The thing is, most of these jokes can be applied to practically any race, color, creed, or individual.
Instead of asking: "How many Poles does it take to screw in a light bulb?", you could ask "How many idiots does it take to screw in a light bulb?
The thing is, these Jokes have been with us so long that we no longer associate the words Polish, Pole, Polak, Pollock, with real people, but only the individuals described in the jokes themselves. We might as well leave the name blank and ask you, the user, to insert a name of your own choosing.
Regardless of political correctness, many of our Polish friends find Polish Jokes amusing for the simple reason that they are funny (well, most of them.), and that Poles have a sense of humor too. My personal Polish Joke favorite is:
Question: Who wears a forest ranger's hat and carries a can of kerosene?
Answer: Stanislaus the Fire Prevention Bear of the Polish National Forest Service.
Anyway, we're getting ahead of ourselves here, so on with the jokes.
www.polishjoke.com Polish jokes appearing on this site are in the public domain.
Last modified: June 20, 2003
If you like this site, you'll love: littlejohnnyjoke.com
 Now you know my secret.  | |
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| This & That!
Posted: 4/11/2008 10:58:47 PM | POLISH OFF THAT VODKA
A man walks into a bar and orders a glass of Polish vodka. As the bartender slides the drink to the patron, a man sitting next to him remarks, "That's a coincidence, I, too, am enjoying a Polish vodka. Since
I arrived from the old country, this is the only bar in which I have found it."
To which the first replies, "Old country, I'm from the old country. Let me buy you another!"
As the drinks are being poured, one of the men asks, "What part of the old country are you from?"
"Krakow," replies the other. "This is weird," says the first, "I, too, am from Krakow! Let's get another shot."
After the new round arrives, the first asks, "So, pal, what did you do back in Krakow?'
"Not much, really, I came here right out of high school. I graduated from Lech Walesa Technical Academy in '81."
"This is eerie," replies the other, "I'm Welesa Tech, '81. Let's get another shot." But the bartender says, "Slow down fellas, I gotta make a call."
The bartender calls his wife and tells her that he'll be late getting home. When she inquires as to the cause, he replies, "Oh, the ' Liszjewski twins are here again."
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| This & That!
Posted: 4/13/2008 11:31:35 PM | Joke of the Day
Charlie was playing with his little brother Mickey Charlie was playing with his little brother Mickey when the little boy asked whether he could fly like Superman.
"Sure you can, Mickey," Charlie said, "Just flap your arms really *really* hard."
So Mickey climbed up on the windowsill, started flapping like mad, jumped, then smashed into the ground two stories below.
Horrified, their mother came screaming into the room and said, "What the heck happened?!?"
Charlie said, "I was just teaching Mickey not to believe everything someone tells him." | |
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| This & That!
Posted: 4/13/2008 11:35:11 PM | LONDON LAWYER V GLASGOW COP
A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.
He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!
Glasgow cop says, ' Licence and registration, please.'
London Lawyer says, 'What for?'
Glasgow cop says, 'Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign.'
London Lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'
Glasgow cop says, 'Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. Licence and registration, please.'
London Lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'
Glasgow cop says, 'The difference is, ye huvte to come to complete stop, that's the law, Licence and registration, please!'
London Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'
Glasgow cop says, 'Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.'
The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.
The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the the lawyer and says 'Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon?'
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| This & That!
Posted: 4/14/2008 11:23:07 PM | Did you hear about the first Ukrainian who came to Winnipeg?
* He got to the perimeter where there was a sign that said 'WINNIPEG LEFT',
so he turned around & went home.
A man was offered the job of painting the white lines down the middle of a
highway.
On his first day he painted six miles and the foreman praised him. "If you keep
up that pace, you'll get a raise."
The next day the man did three miles. "Not as good as the six," the foreman
said, "but keep up the good work."
The following day the fellow painted less than a mile. The foreman called him in
for an explanation.
"But it's not my fault," the man protested. "Every day I keep getting farther
away from the paint can!"
What do you say to a one-legged hitch hiker?
- Hop in.
Did you ever see Ray Charles wife?
- Neither did he.  | |
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| This & That!
Posted: 4/14/2008 11:28:27 PM | TWO DIFFERENT DOCTORS' OFFICES
Boy, if this doesn't hit the nail on the head,
I don't know what does!
Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with
the same complaint. Both have trouble walking and
appear to require a hip replacement.
The FIRST patient is examined within the hour,
is x-rayed the same day and has a time booked for
surgery the following week.
The SECOND sees his family doctor after waiting 3 weeks
for an appointment, then waits 8 weeks to see a specialist,
then gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another week
and finally has his surgery scheduled for a month from then.
Why the different treatment for the two patients? | |
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| This & That!
Posted: 4/14/2008 11:35:08 PM | Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder
This is how it manifests:
I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.
As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I brought
up from the mail box earlier.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage
can under the table, and notice that the can is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.
But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox
when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only one check left.
My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk
where I find the can of Diet Coke I'd been drinking.
I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Diet Coke aside
so that I don't accidentally knock it over.
The Diet Coke is getting warm, and I decide to put it in
the refrigerator to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the Diet Coke, a vase of flowers
on the counter catches my eye--they need water.
I put the Diet Coke on the counter and discover my reading glasses
that I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first
I'm going to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water
and suddenly spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.
I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote,
but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table,
so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,
but first I'll water the flowers.
I pour some water on the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.
So, I set the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.
Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day:
the car isn't washed,
the bills aren't paid,
there is a warm can of Diet Coke sitting on the counter,
the flowers don't have enough water,
there is still only 1 check in my check book,
I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses,
and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,
I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all damn day, and I'm really tired.
I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it,
but first I'll check my e-mail....
When sending this message, I don't remember who the heck I've sent it to.
Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming! ! | |
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| This & That!
Posted: 4/17/2008 11:29:29 PM | More Drunk Jokes
At 3 am a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy asking what time the bar opens. "It opens at noon" answers the clerk.
About an hour later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even drunker. "What time does the bar open?" He asks.
"Same time as before... Noon." Replies the clerk.
Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered "Whatjoo shay the bar opins at?"
The clerk then answers, "It opens at noon, but if you can't wait, I can have room service send something up to you."
"No... I don't wanna git in... Ah wanna git OUT!!!" | |
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| This & That!
Posted: 4/17/2008 11:32:51 PM | Polish and other humor
Polish Sausage
A guy goes into a store and tells the clerk, "I'd like some Polish sausage."
The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"
The guy, clearly offended, says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something." If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a taco would you ask if I was Mexican? Would ya, huh? Would ya?"
The clerk says, "Well, no."
With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish just because I ask for Polish sausage?"
The clerk replies, "Because this is Home Depot."
Great Fishing Spot
These two Polish guys rent a boat and go fishing in a lake. They are amazed at the number of fish that they caught that day, so one says to the other, "We'll have to come back here tomorrow!"
The other asks, "But how will we remember where this spot is?"
The first guy then takes a can of spray paint, paints an X on the bottom of the boat, and says, "We'll just look for this X tomorrow."
The other guy says, "You idiot! How do you know we'll get the same boat?"
How Long Is The Pole?
An American is walking down the street when he sees a Polak with a very long pole and a yardstick. He's standing the pole on its end and trying to reach the top of it with his yardstick.
Seeing the Polak's ignorance, the American wrenches the pole out of his hand, lays it on the sidewalk, measures it with the yardstick, and says, "There! 10 feet long."
The Polak grabs the yardstick and shouts, "You idiot American! I don't care how long it is! I want to know how high it is!" | |
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| This & That!
Posted: 4/17/2008 11:36:34 PM | Ghost Hick
A visiting professor at Texas A & M University is giving a seminar on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: "How many people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands.
"Well that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost? 15 students raise their hands.
"That's a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" Three students raise their hands. "That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further.....Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?" One student in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He takes off his glasses, takes a step back, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."
The redneck student replies with a nod and a grin, and begins to make his way up to the podium.
The professor says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost." The student replies, "Ghost? Damn..... From back there I thought you said 'goats'!"
The zoo administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what his third condition was.
"Well," said Paul, "you've gotta give me another week to come up with the five hundred bucks."
House Calls
Howard was feeling guilty all day long. No matter how he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.
Every once in a while he'd hear a soothing voice trying to reassure him - "Howard, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients and you won't be the last."
But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality -"Howard, you're a veterinarian."
Legless Frog
Sidney was a 14-year-old boy with an interest in the sciences. One summer day he started his own investigations. With his 12-year-old sister Sophie in tow, he caught a large bull frog in a local pond. Sidney started his experiment with the amphibian, and told Sophie her job was to write down the results of the experiment.
Sidney drew a line in the sand, placed the frog on the line, and prodded the frog with a small twig from the rear and shouted, "Jump, frog!" The frog jumped, and Sidney measured the distance. "12 feet...write that down, Sophie," he said.
Next, he brought the frog back to the starting point and removed the frog's right front leg. Again he prodded the frog and shouted, "Jump, frog!" The frog jumped 10 feet, and on instruction, Sophie wrote it down.
Again the frog was brought back, the left front leg was removed, and again "Jump, frog!" Sidney reported, "Six feet...write it down."
The next time, Sidney removed the large right back leg. "Jump, frog!" Then, he shouted "Jump, frog!" and prodded the frog. "The frog jumped 8 inches...writes it down, Sophie."
Finally, Sidney removed the frog's remaining back left leg, put it down and prodded the frog with the twig shouting, "Jump, frog! Jump, frog! JUMP FROG!! JUMP JUMP FROG!!!"
The frog didn't jump. Sophie looked at Sidney, and said, "So what should I write down?"
Sidney thought a moment, and then told Sophie to write, "When you remove all the legs from a frog, it turns deaf."
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| This & That!
Posted: 4/19/2008 10:34:45 PM | | Hey Gwen. I love your jokes. Haven't heard most of them. This one is great. A good beating is good for a lot of lawyers. I loved it. | |
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| This & That!
Posted: 4/21/2008 5:27:55 AM | The Real Story
It's a sunny morning in the Big Forest
and the Bear family is just waking up.
Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table.
He looks into his small bowl. It is empty!
"Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks.
Daddy Bear arrives at the table
and sits in his big chair.
He looks into his big bowl. It is also empty!
"Who's been eating my porridge?" he roars.
Mommy Bear points her finger through the door from the kitchen and yells, "For Pete's sake, how many times do we have to go through this? It was Mommy Bear who got up first.
I Am Out of Here
It was Mommy Bear who woke everybody else in the house up. It was Mommy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mommy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper.
It was Mommy Bear who set the table.
It was Mommy Bear who put the cat out,
cleaned the litter box and filled the cat's water and food dish. And now that you've decided to come downstairs and grace me with your presence ... listen good because I'm only going to say this one more time ...
I haven't made the stupid porridge yet!!" | |
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| This & That!
Posted: 4/21/2008 5:29:16 AM | Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "now don't get mad at me...I know we've been friends for a long time...but I just can't think of your name!" I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is? Her friend glared at her for at least three minutes, she just stared and stated at her. Finally she said, "how soon do you need to know?"
The Senility Prayer
Grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do,
and the eyesight to tell the difference.
A funeral service is being held for a woman who had passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out, when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. ... They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years and then dies. ... Once again, a ceremony is held and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, "WATCH THAT CASKET!" | |
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| This & That!
Posted: 4/21/2008 5:31:35 AM | Some people always grumble because roses have thorns. I am thankful that thorns have roses. ~ Allophonse Karr
"I'm not getting married again. Instead next time I feel the urge to get married, I'll just find some woman I don't like and buy her a house." ~ Johnny Carson
"You should be ashamed," the father told his son, "when Abraham Lincoln was your age, he used to walk ten miles every day to get to school."
"Really?" the kid asked. "Well when he was your age, he was president."
Why do men like smart women?
Opposites attract.
What did the pony with the sore throat say?
I'm a little horse!
At a pre-birth class for couples who had already had at least one child, the instructor raised the issue of breaking the news to the older child.
"Some people tell the older child, "We love you so much that we decided to bring another child into this family." But think about that. Ladies, what would you say if your husband came home one day and said, "Honey, I love you so much, I decided to bring home another wife."
One of the women immediately responded, "Does she cook?" | |
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| This & That!
Posted: 4/21/2008 5:35:59 AM | THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE -
This is absolutely BRILLIANT.
For those who speak English well, you will find it amusing.
For those who don't, then this is an eye-opener.
Can you read these right the first time?
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce .
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse
4) We must polish the Polish furniture
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present .
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row .
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend? | |
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| This & That!
Posted: 4/22/2008 12:23:13 AM | HUGGING
Feels good
Dispels loneliness
Overcomes fears
Opens doors to feelings
Builds self-esteem (Wow! She actually wants to hug me!")
Fosters altruism ("I can't believe it, but I actually want to hug that old son-of-a-gun!")
Slows down aging; huggers stay younger longer
Helps curb appetite; we eat less
when we are nourished by hugs -
and when our arms are busy
wrapped around others
HUGGING ALSO
Eases tension
Fights insomnia
Keeps arm and shoulder muscles in condition
Provides stretching exercise if you are short
Provides stooping exercise if you are tall
Offers a wholesome alternative to promiscuity
Offers a healthy, safe alternative to alcohol and other drug abuse (better hugs than drugs!)
Affirms physical being
Is democratic; anyone is eligible for a hug  | |
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| This & That!
Posted: 4/22/2008 12:30:07 AM | HUG THERAPY
Rationale
HUGGING
Feels good
Dispels loneliness
Overcomes fears
Opens doors to feelings
Builds self-esteem (Wow! She actually wants to
hug me!)
Foster's altruism (I can't believe it, but I actually want
to hug that old son-of-a-gun!)
Slows down aging; huggers stay younger longer
Helps curb appetite; we eat less
when we are nourished by hugs - and our arms are
busy wrapped around others
HUGGING ALSO
Eases tension
Fights insomnia
Keeps arm and shoulder muscles in condition
Provides stretching exercise if you are short
Provides stooping exercise if you are tall
Offers a wholesome alternative to promiscuity
Offers a healthy, safe alternative to alcohol &
other drug abuse (better hugs than drugs!)
Affirms physical being
Is democratic; anyone is eligible for a hug | |
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| This & That!
Posted: 4/22/2008 1:38:46 AM | The Three Little Pigs
Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their drink order.
"I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy.
"I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy.
"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.
The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.
"I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy.
"I would like the salad plate," said the second piggy. I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy. The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.
"I want a banana split," said the first piggy.
"I want a cheesecake," said the second piggy .
"I want beer, lots and lots of beer," exclaimed the third little piggy.
"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter to the third little piggy, " But why have you only ordered beer all evening?"
You're gonna LOVE me for this....
The third piggy says -
"Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!
Aren't you sorry you ever gave me your email address????? | |
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| This & That!
Posted: 4/24/2008 10:58:28 PM | SERENITY
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me" "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.
I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license. I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. "Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week". My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.
These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."
THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Always Remember This: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stop laughing.
"POLITICIANS & DIAPERS BOTH NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN, AND FOR THE SAME REASON ". | |
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| This & That!
Posted: 4/24/2008 11:00:12 PM | A judge was interviewing a lady regarding her pending divorce A judge was interviewing a lady regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?" She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."
He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."
"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your question is 'yes'."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me."
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