|
|
|
|
|
| This & That!
Posted: 4/24/2008 11:07:20 PM | After a trial had been going on for three days, Finley, the man accused of committing the crimes, stood up and approached the judge's bench. "Your Honor, I would like to change my plea from innocent to guilty of the charges."
The judge angrily banged his fist on the desk. "If you're guilty, why didn't you say so in the first place and save this court a lot of time and inconvenience?" he demanded.
Finley looked up wide-eyed and stated, "Well, when the trial started, I thought I was innocent, but that was before I heard all of the evidence against me." | |
|
| This & That!
Posted: 4/27/2008 1:40:10 AM | How to Dance in the Rain
It was a busy morning, about 8:30, when an elderly gentleman in his 80's arrived to have stitches removed from his thumb. He said he was in a hurry as he had an appointment at 9:00 am.
I took his vital signs and had him take a seat, knowing it would be over an hour before someone would to able to see him. I saw him looking at his watch and decided, since I was not busy with another patient, I would evaluate his wound. On exam, it was well healed, so I talked to one of the doctors, got the needed supplies to remove his sutures and redress his wound.
While taking care of his wound, I asked him if he had another doctor's appointment this morning, as he was in such a hurry.
The gentleman told me no, that he needed to go to the nursing home to eat breakfast with his wife. I inquired as to her health.
He told me that she had been there for a while and that she was a victim of Alzheimer's Disease.
As we talked, I asked if she would be upset if he was a bit late. He replied that she no longer knew who he was, that she had not recognized him in five years now. I was surprised, and asked him, 'And you still go every morning, even though she doesn't know who you are?' He smiled as he patted my hand and said,
'She doesn't know me, but I still know who she is.'
I had to hold back tears as he left, I had goose bumps on my arm, and thought,
'That is the kind of love I want in my life.'
True love is neither physical, nor romantic.
True love is an acceptance of all that is, has been, will be, and will not be.
With all the jokes and fun that are in e-mails, sometimes there is one that comes along that has an important message. This one I thought I could share with you.
The happiest people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the best of everything they have.
I hope you share this with someone you care about. I just did.
Life isn't about how to survive the storm,
but how to dance in the rain.. | |
|
| This & That!
Posted: 4/27/2008 1:41:50 AM | Living Will
Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, " I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
She got up and unplugged the TV and threw out my beer.
She's such a Witch!!
10th Floor (joke)
Two men are sitting at the bar at the top of the Empire State Building drinking, when the first man turns to the other one and says:
"You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building, by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the wind around the building is so intense that it carries you around the building and back into the window."
The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar, but says nothing.
The second guy says, "What? Are you insane? There's no way in hell that could happen!"
"No, it's true," said the first man, "let me prove it to you."
He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony and plummets toward the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar. He meets the second man, who is astonished.
"You know, I saw that with my own eyes, but that must've been a one-time fluke. That was scientifically impossible!"
"No, I'll prove it again," says the first man as he jumps. Again, just as his body hurtles towards the street, the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. He takes the elevator back to the bar. Once upstairs, he successfully urges his dubious fellow drinker to try it.
"Well, what the hell," the second guy says, "I've seen that it works, so I'll try it!" He immediately jumps over the balcony - plunges downward - rapidly passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floor until his body hits the sidewalk with a loud "splat."
Back upstairs, the bartender who had been silent the whole time turns to the first drinker, and shakes his head. He says... "You know, Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk!" | |
|
| This & That!
Posted: 4/28/2008 6:17:25 PM | Carl was a quiet man. He didn't talk much. He would always greet you with a big smile and a firm handshake. Even after living in our neighborhood for over 50 years, no one could really say they knew him very well.
Before his retirement, he took the bus to work each morning. The lone sight of him walking down the street often worried us. He had a slight limp from a bullet wound received in WWII.
Watching him, we worried that although he had survived WWII, he may not make it through our changing uptown neighborhood with its ever-increasing random violence, gangs, and drug activity.
When he saw the flyer at our local church asking for volunteers for caring for the gardens behind the minister's residence, he responded in his characteristically unassuming manner. Without fanfare, he just signed up.
He was well into his 87th year when the very thing we had always feared finally happened. He was just finishing his watering for the day when three gang members approached him. Ignoring their attempt to intimidate him, he simply asked, "Would you like a drink from the hose?" The tallest and toughest-looking of the three said, "Yeah, sure," with a malevolent little smile. As Carl offered the hose to him, the other two grabbed Carl's arm, throwing him down. As the hose snaked crazily over the ground, dousing everything in its way, Carl's assailants stole his retirement watch and his wallet, and then fled.
Carl tried to get himself up, but he had been thrown down on his bad leg. He lay there trying to gather himself as the minister came running to help him. Although the minister had witnessed the attack from his window, he couldn't get there fast enough to stop it.
"Carl, are you okay? Are you hurt?" the minister kept asking as he helped Carl to his feet.
Carl just passed a hand over his brow and sighed, shaking his head. "Just some punk kids. I hope they'll wise-up someday."
His wet clothes clung to his slight frame as he bent to pick up the hose. He adjusted the nozzle again and started to water. Confused and a little concerned, the minister asked, "Carl, what are you doing?" "I've got to finish my watering. It's been very dry lately," came the calm reply. Satisfying himself that Carl really was all right, the minister could only marvel. Carl was a man from a different time and place.
A few weeks later the three returned. Just as before their threat was unchallenged. Carl again offered them a drink from his hose. This time they didn't rob him. They wrenched the hose from his hand and drenched him head to foot in the icy water.
When they had finished their humiliation of him, they sauntered off down the street, throwing catcalls and curses, falling over one another laughing at the hilarity of what they had just done. Carl just watched them. Then he turned toward the warmth giving sun, picked up his hose, and went on with his watering.
The summer was quickly fading into fall, Carl was doing some tilling when he was startled by the sudden approach of someone behind him. He stumbled and fell into some evergreen branches. As he struggled to regain his footing, he turned to see the tall leader of his summer tormentors reaching down for him. He braced himself for the
expected attack. "Don't worry old man, I'm not gonna hurt you this time." The young man spoke softly, still offering the tattooed and scarred hand to Carl. As he helped Carl get up, the man pulled a crumpled bag from his pocket and handed it to Carl. "What's this?" Carl asked. "It's your stuff," the man explained. "It's your stuff back. Even the money in your wallet." "I don't understand," Carl said. "Why would you help me now?" The man shifted his feet, seeming embarrassed and ill at ease. "I learned something from you," he said. "I ran with that gang and hurt people like you . We picked you because you were old and we knew we could do it. But every time we came and did something to you, instead of yelling
and fighting back, you tried to give us a drink. You didn't hate us for hating you. You kept showing love against our hate." He stopped for a moment. "I couldn't sleep after we
stole your stuff, so here it is back." He paused for another awkward moment, not knowing
what more there was to say. "That bag's my way of saying thanks for straightening me out, I guess." And with that, he walked off down the street.
Carl looked down at the sack in his hands and gingerly opened it. He took out his retirement watch and put it back on his wrist. Opening his wallet, he checked for his wedding photo. He gazed for a moment at the young bride who still smiled back at him from all those years ago.
He died one cold day after Christmas that winter.
Many people attended his funeral in spite of the weather. In particular the minister noticed a tall young man that he didn't know sitting quietly in a distant corner of the church. The minister spoke of Carl's garden as a lesson in life. In a voice made thick with unshed tears, he said, "Do your best and make your garden as beautiful as you can. We will never forget Carl and his garden."
The following spring another flyer went up. It read: "Person needed to care for Carl's garden..
The flyer went unnoticed by the busy parishioners until one day when a knock was heard at the minister's office door. Opening the door, the minister saw a pair of scarred and tattooed hands holding the flyer. "I believe this is my job, if you'll have me," the young man said. The minister recognized him as the same young man who had returned the stolen watch and wallet to Carl.
He knew that Carl's kindness had turned this man's life around. As the minister handed him the keys to the garden shed, he said, "Yes, go take care of Carl's garden and honour him."
The man went to work and, over the next several years, he tended the flowers and vegetables just as Carl had done...
In that time, he went to college, got married, and became a prominent member of the community. But he never forgot his promise to Carl's memory and kept the garden as beautiful as he thought Carl would have kept it.
One day he approached the new minister and told him that he couldn't care for the garden any longer. He explained with a shy and happy smile, "My wife just had a baby boy last night, and she's bringing him home on Saturday." "Well, congratulations!" said the minister, as he was handed the garden shed keys. "That's wonderful! What's the baby's name?" "Carl," he replied..
GOOD FRIENDS ARE LIKE ANGELS, YOU DON'T HAVE TO SEE THEM TO KNOW THEY ARE THERE .
"The happiest people don't have the best of everything, they just make the best of
everything." | |
|
| This & That!
Posted: 4/29/2008 11:45:57 PM | First Name: marianne
joke: what do you call an inbred? maryjo cussin (married yo cousin for thise of stupid people)
First Name: DEN
Joke: Two hillbilly guys are walking down the street when one hillybilly looks over and sees a large dog in a front yard hunched over tenaciously licking himself, the hillybilly then says" gee I sure wish I could do that!" the other hillbilly replies" well, maybe he'll let ya, if ya pet him first!".
First Name: DEN
Joke: This hillbilly guy is hunched over and doing his sister when he says" hey Sis, guess what ?, she says "what?", he says "ya do it as good as mom does!" she says" really?, thats the same thing Dad said!"
First Name: Billy Bob Jr
Joke:What does a Redneck divorce and a tornado have in common, No matter what somebody's losing trailer
First Name: Billy Bob Jr
Joke: Why did the lazy Redneck go to his family reunion, He was looking for a wife.
First Name: Billy Bob Jr
Joke: Why did the Redneck spend four hours walking around in his feild, He was trying to get a signal on his turned off cell phone
First Name: Billy Bob Jr
Joke:" If you work out side with your shirt off and so does your husband, You might be a Redneck" Jeff Foxworthy.
First Name: WENIS
joke: How do you circumcise a redneck? Kick his sister in the jaw
First Name: Blue
joke: How can you tell if you're at a redneck wedding? The bridesmaids are strippers, the best man gave the bride a spittoon as a wedding gift, the groom is wearing his finest wrestling shirt, and the bride's father is getting pit stains from holding the shotgun to the groom's head for so long.
First Name: Tumbleweed Smith
joke: Did you hear about the redneck who passed away and left his entire estate in trust for his beloved widow? She can't touch it till she's fourteen.
First Name: Cooter
joke: Did you hear about the redneck who was shootin craps? He blew a hole in the toilet.
First Name: Rusty
joke: How can you tell that the toothbrush was invented in Arkansas? Because it's not called a teethbrush.
First Name: Nancy Jim
joke: Why didn't the redneck mow his lawn? Because his car wouldn't start.
First Name: Nancy Jim
joke: Why didn't the redneck catch any fish? Because his gun jammed.
First Name: Rut
joke: How come it was so easy for the redneck couple to move in together? Because they both lived with their parents.
 | |
|
| This & That!
Posted: 4/29/2008 11:48:16 PM | Sam and John were out cutting wood, when John accidentally cut his arm off. Sam, who was trained in first aid, remained calm and wrapped the arm in a plastic bag and then took it and John to a surgeon. The surgeon said, "You're in luck! I'm an expert at reattaching limbs! Come back in four hours." So Sam came back in four hours and the surgeon said, "I got done faster than I expected. John is down at the local pub." Sam went to the pub and was amazed to see John throwing darts. "Wow" thought Sam," that surgeon does excellent work". A few weeks later, Sam and John were out again, and John accidentally cut his leg off. Sam put the leg in a plastic bag and took it, and John, back to the same surgeon. The surgeon said, "Legs are a little tougher, but I'll see what I can do - come back in six hours."
Sam returned in six hours and the surgeon said, "I finished early."
- John's down at the soccer field."
Sam went to the soccer field and there was John, kicking goals.
"Wow" thought Sam "That surgeon is amazing."
A few weeks later, John had a terrible accident and cut his head off. Sam put the head in a plastic bag and took it and the rest of John to the surgeon. The surgeon said, "Gee, heads are really tough. Come back in twelve hours." So Sam returned in twelve hours and the surgeon said, "I'm sorry, John died."
Sam said, "I understand - I know you tried your best. You are a very skilled surgeon but I'm sure heads are very difficult." The surgeon said, "Oh, no! It wasn't that, he suffocated in that plastic bag!"
 | |
|
| This & That!
Posted: 4/29/2008 11:53:10 PM | After being away on business, Tim thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift. "How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a bottle that cost $50.00. "That's a bit much," said Tim, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.00. "That's still quite a bit," Tim complained. Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle. "What I mean," said Tim, "is I'd like to see something really cheap."
The clerk handed him a mirror.
Common Sense: Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.
A man was about to tee off on the golf course when he felt a tap on his shoulder and a man handed him a card that read "I am a deaf mute. May I play through, please?" The first man angrily gave the card back, and communicated that: "No, he may NOT play through, and that his handicap did not give him such a right. He then teed up his ball, and with a mighty swing of his pitching wedge lobbed the ball right on the green for a par 3. Just as he was about to putt the ball into the hole he was hit on the head with a golf ball, laying him out cold. When he came to a few minutes later, he looked around and saw the deaf mute sternly looking at him, one hand on his hip, the other hand holding up 4 fingers. | |
|
| This & That!
Posted: 5/1/2008 7:01:52 PM | Learn Chinese in 5 minutes (You MUST read them aloud) English - Chinese
That's not right! Sum Ting Wong
Are you harbouring a fugitive? Hu Yu Hai Ding
See me ASAP; Kum Hia Nao
Stupid Man Dum Fuk
Small Horse Tai Ni Po Ni
Did you go to the beach? Wai Yu So Tan
I bumped into a coffee table! Ai Bang Mai Fu Kin Ni
I think you need a face lift! Chin Tu Fat
It's very dark in here! Wai So Dim
I thought you were on a diet! Wai Yu Mun Ching
This is a tow away zone! No Pah King
Our meeting is scheduled for next week! Wai Yu Kum Nao
Staying out of sight Lei Ying Lo
He's cleaning his automobile Wa Shing Ka
Your body odour is offensive Yu Stin Ki Pu
Great Fa Kin Su Pa | |
|
| This & That!
Posted: 5/1/2008 7:06:07 PM | Bad Golfer
Jim was 26 over par by the eighth hole, had landed a fleet of golf balls in the water hazard, and dug himself into a trench fighting his way out of the rough, when his caddy coughed during a 12-inch putt. Jim exploded. 'You've got to be the worst caddy in the world!' he screamed. 'I doubt it,' replied the caddy. 'That would be too much of a coincidence.'
Golfer vs Skydiver
What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver? A bad golfer goes, 'Whack, oops!' A bad skydiver goes 'Oops, whack!'
Just Moved In
The Anderson family just moved into their new home when a neighbor asked 5-year-old Tommy Anderson how he liked it. “It’s great,” Tommy said. “I have my very own room and my brother Alex has his own room, and Jamie has her own room too! But poor mom, she is still with dad…”
Late to Work
Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning by almost two hours. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work. 'Boss,' he said, 'the pill actually worked!' The boss replied, 'That's all fine, but where were you yesterday?'
Password
A guy was typing away at his home computer, when his six- year-old daughter sneaked up behind him. Suddenly, she turned and ran into the kitchen, squealing to the rest of the family, 'I know Daddy's password! I know Daddy's password!' 'What is it?' her sisters asked eagerly.
Proudly she replied, 'Asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk!'
Sandwiches
Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat. The owner became quite concerned and marched over and told them, 'You can't eat your own sandwiches in here!' The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches. | |
|
| This & That!
Posted: 5/1/2008 7:16:07 PM | How does Helen Keller drive? One hand on the wheel and one hand one the road!
First name: Brittany
joke: How do you Punish Hellen Keller? 1- Reareange the Furniture 2- Give her a basketball and tell her to read it. 3- tell her to find the corners in a round room
joke: Why does Helen Keller have holes in her face? She tried eating with a fork.
First name: Rob Boz
joke: Did you hear about the new Helen Keller Doll? You wind her up and she bumps into the furniture!
First name: businessguy
joke: What is Helen Keller's favorite Convenience Store? WAAAWAAA
joke: Why did Helen Keller's dog jump off a cliff and kill itself? You would too if your name was sajifjlsisdjifiuop
First name: Willy Boy
joke: How did Helen Keller's parents punish her? They stuck a plunger in the toilet.
How many kids did Helen Keller have? NONE! The plunger went all the way through!
First Name: LMonroe
joke: If Helen Keller fell down in the woods, would she make a sound?
First name: Jay
joke: Why can't Helen Keller drive? Because she's a woman! no seriously why can't Helen Keller drive? Because she's dead!
First name: Jay
joke: Have you seen a picture of Helen Kellers dad? Neither has she!
First name: Red
joke: how did helen keller burn the side of her face? she answered the iron. how did she burn the other side? they called back.
(note from one of our visitors: "how did helen keller hear the iron ring? SHE DIDN'T!!! cause shes DEAF!!!!!!!!!!" this joke may have been fabricated, we are currently researching the authenticity of this event.)
First name: Red
joke: what did hellen keller's room look like? she didn't know either
First name: shayla
joke: what do you call a tennis match between helen keller and stevie wonder? endless love
First name: Heather
joke: What was Helen Kellers favorite childhood game? Musical Chairs
First name: little-comb
joke: Whats Helen Kellers favourite movie? Around the Block in 80 days.
First name: Jeffrey
joke: If helen keller were psychic, would she call it a fourth sense?
First name: Aussie
joke: What did Helen Keller say to the shop assistant when she knocked over a product-display in the store? Just looking!
First name: griz
joke: whats the name of helen kellers new movie? silent scream.
First name: griz
joke: how did helen keller burn her face? she was bobbing for french fries.
First name: Joseph
joke: How did Helen Kellers parents punish her? Stuck doorknobs to the walls.
First name: patrick
joke: Why cant Hellen Keller drive a car? Because shes a woman. Why cant Hellen Keller drive a train? Because shes dead.
First name: Dee
joke: Why were Helen Kellers hands purple? She heard it thru the grapevine.
First name: dave
joke: Have you heard about Helen Kellers new car? neither has she
First name: dave
joke: Why did helen keller go crazy? she was trying to read a stucko wall.
First name: Boyd
joke: How did Helen Kellers parents punish her? -they left the plunger in the toilet
First name: eliyah
joke: what did hellen keller get for Christmas? polio! she had everything else.
First name: Jeremy
joke: Helen Keller went to town riding on a pony she stuck a feather in her hat and called it......... uuhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
First name: Reed
joke: How do you get helen keller to keep a secret? Break her fingers
First name: max
joke: why did helen kellers dog commit suicide? you would to if your name was mmmmmmmmmnnnnnn
First name: M & G
joke: Why doesnt Hellen Kellar scream when she fell off the cliff? - She was wearing mittens
First Name: danny
joke: Whats helen keller's favorite color? Black
First Name: The Dude
joke: Why did Helen Keller cross the road? What, like she know's where she's going?
First Name: John dokken
joke: How do you punish Helen Keller? By rearranging the living-room furniture.
First Name: jenifer
joke: How did Helen Keller breake her arms? Trying to read road signs at 40mph.
First Name: jenifer
joke: Why couldn't Helen Keller play on her high school football team? Because she's a girl
First Name: Charles
joke: What did Helen Keller's parents do to punish her for swearing? Washed her hands with soap.
First Name: mike
joke: how did Helen Keller burn her hands? She was trying to read a waffle iron
First Name: adam
joke: what does Helen Keller call the closet? Disneyworld
Where do Helen Keller's parents have her go when there's company over? Disneyworld
First Name: molly
joke: Why was Helen Keller late for school? DUI | |
|
| This & That!
Posted: 5/1/2008 7:23:10 PM | Clean Jokes
First name: emily broomfield
joke: what do cats have for breakfast? mice crispies
First name: kyle a
joke: There was a duck that went to a local store to buy chapstick, the clerk asked if he would pay cash and the duck said, no, just put it on my bill
First name: the brad
joke: What did the kamikaze instructor tell his students? "Pay attention i'm only going to do this once"
First name: the brad
joke: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.
First name: Wally
joke: A hamburger and some fries walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food here."
First name: Juwanabootyhole, but you can call me Lindsay ;)
joke: Alright folks, yall ready for this? Why did the nut stay away from the center of the room??? BECAUSE IT WAS A WALNUT!!duhweeee...What do you call something with chopped up skunk in a helicopter?? A SMELLACOPTER!!WHOOO
First name: Super Woman
joke: What did the salad say to the fridge? Shut the door, Im dressing!
First Name: barnacle pete
joke: How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced? A buccaneer. | |
|
| This & That!
Posted: 5/3/2008 10:19:56 PM | Newfie Humor
In one of the isolated fishing villages of Newfoundland, a Newfies wife went into labor in the middle of the night, The doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I am doing." Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. "Whoa there " said the doctor, "don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down I think there's another one coming." Sure enough, within minutes, he had delivered a baby girl. "Hold that lantern up, don't set it down, there's another one!" said the doctor. Within a few minutes he had delivered another baby girl. "Now don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern! It seems there's yet another one coming!" cried the doctor. "Laird tunderin jaysus" said the Newf, scratching his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "Ya reckon the light's attractin 'em?" | |
|
| This & That!
Posted: 5/3/2008 10:25:23 PM | Poor Husband A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.
So she put on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him.
He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room,
"Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up,
"Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.
The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive.
"Yes, I do" she replies.
The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily.
"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"
"Yes, I remember" says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues .
"Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'"
"I remember that too" she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says..
"I would have gotten out today." | |
|
| This & That!
Posted: 5/3/2008 10:30:56 PM | NEVER SAY TO A COP
1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
12. When the Officer says "Gee Son..Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with, "Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?" | |
|
| This & That!
Posted: 5/3/2008 10:32:31 PM | Life is too short to wake up with regrets.
Love the people who treat you right.
Forget about those who don't.
Believe everything happens for a reason.
If you get a second chance, grab it with both hands.
If it changes your life, let it.
Nobody said life would be easy.
They just promised it would be worth it.
Friends are like balloons.
Once you let them go, you can't get them back. | |
|
| This & That!
Posted: 5/3/2008 10:35:09 PM | A cowgirl, who is visiting Texas from Arkansas , walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. She sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When she finishes them, she comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowgirl, 'You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time. '
The Cowgirl replies, 'Well, you see, I have two sisters. One is in Australia , the other is in Dublin . When we all left our home in Arkansas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my sisters and one for myself.' The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The Cowgirl becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. She orders three mugs and drinks them in turn. One day, she comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent.
When she comes back to the bar for the second round, the Bartender says, 'I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.'
The cowgirl looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in her eyes and she laughs. 'Oh, no, everybody's just fine,' she explains, 'It's just that my husband and I joined the Baptist Church .... And I had to quit drinking. 'Hasn't affected my sisters though.' | |
|
| This & That!
Posted: 5/5/2008 6:42:17 PM | Catholic Priest and his****
The priest in a small Irish village loved the rooster and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church.
One Sunday morning, before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered that the****was missing. He knew about****fights in the village, so he questioned his parishioners in church. During mass, he asked the congregation, 'Has anybody got a****'
All the men stood up.
'No, no,' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant.? Has anybody seen a****'
All the women stood up.
'No, no,' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant.? Has anybody seen a****that doesn't belong to them?'
Half the women stood up.
'No, no,' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant.? Has anybody seen MY****'
Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.
The priest fainted. | |
|
| This & That!
Posted: 5/5/2008 6:44:45 PM | A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up from his coffee, "I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?" he says solemnly.
The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive. "Yes, I do" she replies.
The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?" Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continues. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?"
"I remember that too" she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says..."I would have gotten out today."
| |
|
| This & That!
Posted: 5/5/2008 6:47:07 PM | Joke of the Day
A pregnant woman gets into a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant.
Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them."
The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother -- he's an idiot!"
Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"
"Denise," the doctor says.
The new mother thinks, "Wow, that's not a bad name! Guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise!"
Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?"
The doctor replies, "DeNephew." | |
|
| This & That!
Posted: 5/5/2008 9:18:26 PM | | Trying to get rid of this profile | |
|
| This & That!
Posted: 5/5/2008 9:18:53 PM | | Sorry I have to send a couple more posts | |
|
| This & That!
Posted: 5/5/2008 9:19:23 PM | | I don't know how to clear off the list from my current profile | |
|
| This & That!
Posted: 5/5/2008 9:19:46 PM | | Please don't be mad at me for wasting space. | |
|
| This & That!
Posted: 5/5/2008 9:20:23 PM | | Feel Free to delete me if you like. | |
|
| This & That!
Posted: 5/5/2008 11:38:25 PM | *
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are attractive to the opposite sex.
* | |
|
|
| Page 4 of 15
|
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15 |
|
Home
login 
