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| This & That!
Posted: 5/6/2008 7:42:58 AM | ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Well there goes my whole game! | |
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| This & That!
Posted: 5/9/2008 11:25:26 PM | Famous Fried Rice Recipe
This recipe makes REALLY GOOD FRIED RICE.
There is humor here and there to make it a "funny" experience. But I can't stress enough that it's GOOD stuff.
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A wonderful recipe (if I do say so myself). Good luck!
1.5 cups rice (I use BASMATI or JASMINE rice, but you can use anything but Minute Rice)
2 cups H2O (that's water to you and me)
4 eggs (2 eggs only whites, 2 eggs with the yolks - chicken eggs, please)
meat (optional - pork, chicken, or roadkill is fine - I prefer chicken, but raccoon is good too)
green onion / white onion / celery / bell pepper / broccoli / frozen peas / any crisp vegetable, diced to the size of....well, dice
1 ounce dark sesame oil (SuperStore has this $1.99 a bottle - pick up some $2 Chuck while you're there)
2 ounces canola oil (any kind except Pennzoil works fine - I just like Canola oil for its heart-healthy tendencies)
salt (Seasoned Salt is fine)
Early in the day (or the day before): Cook rice. I use 1.5 cups of rice to 2 cups water in a rice cooker. Let The Rice Cool to room temperature, or put it in the refrigerator if you cook the rice the day before. I think this step is important because it allows me to relax and watch some TV before I resume cooking. If asked, "Why aren't you cooking dinner?", you can always answer "I'm doing what the recipe says to do!".
When the rice is cool, here's what you do:
Mix the eggs (2 full eggs, 2 egg whites) and an ounce of the canola oil and the ounce of dark sesame oil, scramble them up like a crazy person. The key ingredient in this whole thing is the dark sesame oil, so don't forget that.
Pour the other ounce of canola oil in the bottom of a wok. Get that sucker hot! I suggest cooking this while you have clothes on. If you cook this naked, you run the risk of serious injury as the hot oil in the wok will spit at you when you do the next step.
Is the oil hot? Add the egg mixture to the wok. Now do you see why you should wear clothes while cooking this? Scramble this up, don't let it form a big flapjack in the pan. Get this looking like oily scrambled eggs. Because, amazingly enough, that's what it is, so far.
Add the meat (make sure it's already cooked - that's why I suggest leftovers - or if not, cook it in the wok before you add the eggs). The meat should be diced as well, about the size of the hole in a CD. You don't have to make it spherical or cylindrical, that was just an example.
Scramble the meat, eggs and oil up good! When the eggs get burned beyond recognition, throw the whole thing away and start again.
This time, before the eggs get burned (but after they're starting to brown), add the rice a little at a time, making sure to break up the clumps as you go. When you've added all the rice, add the vegetables - you add them last so they will remain crisp. You want crisp, no? Frozen peas are wonderful in this stuff. Even if you don't like peas, you owe it to yourself to try it. If you try the frozen peas and don't like them in the fried rice, don't whine at me, though. I like 'em, and I'm the one with this recipe, not you.
Mix and evenly heat all that stuff in the wok. Keep the heat on medium, and constantly stir. If you don't, you'll form a thermal rice barrier on the bottom of the wok which will prevent their little rice buddies up top from cooking. Add some salt, add some more salt (I like Lawry's Seasoned Salt) and taste it as you go. Add some more salt. Taste it again. Repeat. Add pepper if you wish, but I find the dark sesame oil gets it spicy enough.
Spoon out into a bowl (eat right out of the wok if no one's looking), or, spoon onto a nice Wedgwood dinner plate, pour yourself some $2 Chuck wine (Chardonnay goes best with this) and enjoy in front of the television 'cause the 7 pm favorite program has just started. | |
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| This & That!
Posted: 5/9/2008 11:36:34 PM | Top 10 Indicaters that youse at a red neck weddin
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10. Rehearsal dinner held at Hooters
9. Instead of "Friends of the bride or friends of the groom?" Ushers ask
"Ford or Chevy?"
8. Bridesmaids: Pink Tube Tops, Groomsmen: Travis Tritt T-Shirts
7. Phrase "I Do" replaced by "I Heard That"
6. Tender rendition of "The Wedding Song" performed by Pinkard & Bowden
5. When the minister asks "Who giveth this woman to be married"...
some guy in the back stands up and hollers Earnhardt!"
4. Reception conversation includes the phrase, "So what have you been doing
since Hee Haw, Mr. Lindsay?"
3. Snack trays at reception: Vienna sausages and Nacho Cheese Doritos
2. Plans for the honeymoon evening include tickets to the monster truck rally
...And The Number One Way To Tell If You're At A Redneck Wedding...
1. Sign in front of the church: No Shirt...No Shoes...No Problem! | |
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| This & That!
Posted: 5/9/2008 11:38:23 PM | Redneck and the Attorney
A redneck walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for divorce...
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Attorney: "May I help you?"
Redneck: "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces".
Attorney: "Well do you have any grounds?"
Redneck: "Yea, I got about a hundred acres."
Attorney: "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"
Redneck: "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."
Attorney: "I mean, do you have a grudge?"
Redneck: "Yea, I got a grudge. That's where I park my John Deere."
Attorney: "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"
Redneck: "Yes sir, I got a suit, I wear it to church on Sundays."
Attorney: "Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"
Redneck: "No sir, we both get up about 4:30 in the morning."
Attorney: "Well, is she a nagger or anything?!?!?!?"
Redneck: "No she's a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger. That's why I want this dayvorce." | |
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| This & That!
Posted: 5/9/2008 11:39:51 PM | How to tell if you might be a "high tech redneck"
If your e-mail address ends in ".over.yonder.com"
If you connect to the World Wide Web via a "Down Home Page"
If the bumper sticker on your truck says "My other computer is a laptop"
If your laptop has a sticker that says "Protected by Smith and Wesson"
If you've ever doubled the value of your truck by installing a cellular phone.
If your baseball cap read "AOL Sucks!" instead of "CAT"
If your computer is worth more than all your cars combined
If your wife said "either she or the computer had to go", and you still don't miss her
If you've ever used an AOL CD-ROM as a coaster to set your beer on
If you ever refer to your computer as "Ole Bessy" or "Darlin"
If your screen saver is a bitmap image of your favorite truck, tractor, or porno star
If you start all your e-mails with the words "Howdy ya’ll" or "Hey Bubba" | |
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| This & That!
Posted: 5/13/2008 12:47:31 AM | You might still be a Yankee if......
You don't know kudzu from kung fu
You enjoy living in filth
The only kind of grass you've seen is the kind you smoke.
You prefer Bruce Springsteen to Bocephus.
The thought of eating scrapple doesn't turn your stomach.
You talk real fast and charm real slow.
You think smog is a sky color.
You think all cars are yellow and have a light on top.
You think barbecue is a verb, not a noun.
Your momma spends more time in hockey locker rooms than your father's
bedroom.
You think okra is a talk show host.
You can be surrounded bye crime and "didn't see a thing!!"
You didn't know chickens layed eggs and cows produced milk.
You waste large amounts of money on a date, when all you had to do was ask.
You think Skoal is a form of punishment. | |
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| This & That!
Posted: 5/13/2008 12:52:39 AM | Ukranian walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Keive on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank. The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Ukranian handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The Ukranian produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest. Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Ukranian for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parked it.
Two weeks later, the Ukranian returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?" The Ukranian replied: "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?"
Ah, the Ukranians... See! Koobasa & Vodka is good for the brain. | |
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| This & That!
Posted: 5/13/2008 12:58:51 AM | You can't fool mom.
You don't even have to be a mother to enjoy this one...Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful Brian's roommate, Jennifer, was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and Jennifer, and this had only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Jennifer than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Jennifer came to Brian saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Brian said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure. So he sat down and wrote:
Dear Mom,
I'm not saying that you "did" take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm not saying that you "did not" take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love, Brian
Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that read :
Dear Son,
I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Jennifer, I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with Jennifer. But the fact remains that if Jennifer is sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.
Love, Mom
LESSON OF THE DAY - NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER | |
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| This & That!
Posted: 5/14/2008 9:17:53 PM | Take nothing for granted, not even for a split second!
Let us be grateful for every living minute.
People are creative. String them together and you have two complex distinct poems, possibly not rhyming. Maybe a song.
Many of us struggle....not so much with understanding the message of forgiveness but with living in the reality of it.
'Be kinder then necessary; for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.'
"The truest greatness lies in being kind, the truest wisdom is a happy mind."
The secret to happiness is a Good Sense of Humour and a Bad Memory.
Great minds discuss ideas;
Normal minds discuss events;
Small minds discuss people. | |
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| This & That!
Posted: 5/14/2008 9:19:59 PM | Polish Joke # 1 - Two Poles are building a house. One of them is putting on the siding. He picks up a nail, hammers it in. Picks up another nail, throws it away. Picks up a nail, hammers it in. Picks up another, throws it away. This goes on for a while, and finally his friend comes over and asks him why he is throwing half of the nails away. He replies, "Those ones were pointed on the wrong end." His Polish friend gets exasperated and says "You idiot, those are for the other side of the house!"
Polish Joke # 2 - Two Poles emigrated to America. On their first day in New York City, they spotted a hot dog vendor in the street. "Do they eat dogs in America?" one asked the other. "I dunno." "Well, we're going to live here, so we might as well learn to do as they do." So they each bought a hot dog wrapped up and sat down to eat them on a nearby park bench. One Pole looked at his hot dog, then over at the other Pole and asked, "What part did you get?"
Polish Joke # 3 - These two Polish guys rent a boat and go fishing on a lake. They are amazed at the number of fish that they caught that day, so one says to the other, "We'll have to come back here tomorrow!" The other asks, "But how will we remember where this spot is?" The first guy then takes a can of spray paint, paints an X on the bottom of the boat, and says, "We'll just look for this X tomorrow." The other guy says, "You idiot! How do you know we'll get the same boat?"
Polish Joke # 4 - Did you hear about the Polish Admiral who wanted to be buried at sea when he died? Five sailors died digging his grave.
Polish Joke # 6 - Q: Why do Polish names end in "ski" ? A: Because they can't spell toboggan.
Polish Joke # 7 - A Polish worker is hired to paint the lines on the road. On the first day he paints ten miles, and his employers are amazed. But, the second day he painted just five, and on only the third day, he painted only a mile of the road. Disappointed his boss asks what the problem was. The Pole replies, "Well sir, every day I have to walk farther and farther to get back to the paint bucket."
Polish Joke # 8 - Q: What does it say on the bottom of a Coke bottle in Poland? A: Open other end.
Polish Joke # 9 - Q: How do you break a Pole's finger? A: Hit him on the nose.
Polish Joke # 10 - Two Poles are talking about their friend who immigrated to America. "Did you hear about Bartek? He opened up a jewellery store after just one year in America!" "How did he do that?" "With a crowbar." | |
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| This & That!
Posted: 5/14/2008 9:22:37 PM | Give the Lawyer a Hand
A young trial lawyer was defending a man accused of burglary, known for being witty (and the judge knows this) tried yet another one of his creative defenses. The judge, while not known for having a sense of humor, decided to here the young lawyer out.
“While my client admits he did, in fact, reach his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. However his arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by just his limb.”
“Well put,” the judge replied. “Using your logic, I sentence the defendant’s arm to one year’s imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he so chooses.”
The defendant smiled. With his lawyer’s assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.
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A clothes line was a news forecast To neighbors passing by. There were no secrets you could keep When clothes were hung to dry.
It also was a friendly link For neighbors always knew If company had stopped on by To spend a night or two.
For then you'd see the 'fancy sheets' And towels upon the line; You'd see the 'company table cloths' With intricate design.
The line announced a baby's birth To folks who lived inside As brand new infant clothes were hung So carefully with pride.
The ages of the children could So readily be known By watching how the sizes changed You'd know how much they'd grown.
It also told when illness struck, As extra sheets were hung; Then nightclothes, and a bathrobe, too, Haphazardly were strung.
It said, 'Gone on vacation now' When lines hung limp and bare. It told, 'We're back!' when full lines sagged with not an inch to spare.
New folks in town were scorned upon If wash was dingy gray, As neighbors carefully raised their brows, and looked the other way..
But clotheslines now are of the past For dryers make work less. Now what goes on inside a home Is anybody's guess.
I really miss that way of life. It was a friendly sign When neighbors knew each other best by what hung on the line! | |
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| This & That!
Posted: 5/14/2008 9:25:40 PM | At dawn the telephone rings, "Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house." "Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?" "Um, I'm just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead." "My parrot? Dead? The one that won the international competition?" "Si, Senor. That's the one." "Damn. That's a pity. I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?" "From eating the rotten meat, Senor." "Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?" "Nobody Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse." "Dead horse? What dead horse?" "The thoroughbred, Senor Rod." "My prize thoroughbred is dead?" "Yes, Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart." "Are you insane? What water cart?" "The one we used to put out the fire, Senor." "Good Lord! What fire are you talking about man?"
"The one at your house Senor, A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire." "What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?" "Yes, Senor Rod." "But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for? "For the funeral, Senor Rod."
"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?"
"Your wife's, Senor Rod. She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Tayler Made Super Quad 460 golf club." Silence. LONG silence.
"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep s---!!"
Cough Syrup Guy goes into a drugstore and asks for some cough syrup. The assistant gave him a bottle of extra-strength laxative, much to his surprise. "This is no good," he said. "I want cough mixture!" To this the chemist replied, "Take my word for it sir, one dose of that and you won't dare cough." | |
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| This & That!
Posted: 5/17/2008 8:25:44 PM | A woman gets on a bus with her baby.
As she pays for her ticket, the bus driver says:
"That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen. eeuurgh!"
The woman sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"
The man says: "You shouldn't take that. You tell him off
– go ahead, I'll hold your monkey."
The chief executive of Microsoft games division dies and goes up to the Pearly Gates.
“Show me in then!”
St.Peter: ”No,no, it doesn't work quite like that, surely you are used to procedures?
The system here is that you spend some time in Heaven and some time in Hell before you decide where you’d like to spend eternity.”
“Ok," said the CEO, "I’ll try Hell first”
he goes down in a lift.
Doors open.
Golf course,
all his friends.
Plays a few rounds.
Wonderful dinner,
dancing all night.
Has a great time.
Goes up to heaven. Sits around on clouds playing the harp singing in the heavenly choir.
Back to St.Peter.
“So, Where would you like to spend all eternity?”
“Well, you know, I had a wonderful time in Heaven, but I have to say Hell is better, I’ll take Hell please.”
Down he goes in the lift.
Doors open...
Parched desert. Bleached bones. No golfcourse, no friends, no nothing except heat. and a little feller with tail and two horns.
“Where’s the golf course, where are my friends?” he asks angrily
“Ah-Ha," says the horned one,"...that was just the DEMO version!!!” | |
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| This & That!
Posted: 5/17/2008 8:27:26 PM | The next two require you to read them with the appropriate accent:
Michael, a Donegal man, goes for a job on a building site, the foreman says all he has to do is answer two questions correctly and they will give him the job. He smiles confidently.
"The first question is, 'what is your name?",
he answers," errr, that would be Michael ...Michael Connor,"
"OK, the next question is, 'What's the difference between a joist and a girder?'..."
"Oh, that's easy," says Michael,
"Joyce wrote Ullyses, Goethe wrote Faust".
In 1890 there were two Mexicans who had been lost in the desert for weeks, and they're at death's door. As they stumble on, hoping for salvation in the form of an oasis or something similar, they suddenly spy, through the heat haze, a tree off in the distance.
As they get closer they can see that the tree is draped with rasher upon rasher of bacon. There's smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life-giving juicy nearly-raw bacon, all sorts.
"Hey, Pepe" says the first bloke, "Ees a bacon tree!!! We're saved!!!"
"You're right, amigo!" says Pepe.
So Pepe goes on ahead and runs up to the tree salivating at the prospect of food. But as he gets to within five feet of the tree, there's a huge volley of gun fire, and he is shot down in a hail of bullets.
His friend quickly drops down on the sand and calls across to the dying Pepe.
"Pepe!! Pepe!! Que pasa hombre?"
With his dying breath Pepe calls out...."Ugh,...
run, amigo, run!!
...Ees not a Bacon Tree!"
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...
...
"Ees... a.... Ham bush" | |
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| This & That!
Posted: 5/17/2008 8:30:55 PM | A stitch in time saves nine. Nine what?
Do something every day to make other people happy, even if it's only to leave them alone.
The tongue weighs practically nothing, but so few people are able to hold it.
"One reason a dog is such a lovable creature is his tail wags instead of his tongue."
The wisest words of pen or tongue:
"For words unspoken, you won't be hung."
True friends are those rare people who ask how you are and then wait to hear the answer.
If it goes without saying, then don't say it.
There are too many people who think that that tenderness & weakness are the same thing.
A brilliant person is one who knows when to say nothing.
Feeling gratitude and not expressing it is like wrapping a present and not giving it.
It takes less time to do a thing right than it does to explain why you did it wrong.
If you wait too long to get your life on the right track, you just may find out that the train has already left. | |
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| This & That!
Posted: 5/17/2008 8:34:20 PM | A stitch in time saves nine. Nine what?
Do something every day to make other people happy, even if it's only to leave them alone.
The tongue weighs practically nothing, but so few people are able to hold it.
"One reason a dog is such a lovable creature is his tail wags instead of his tongue."
The wisest words of pen or tongue:
"For words unspoken, you won't be hung."
True friends are those rare people who ask how you are and then wait to hear the answer.
If it goes without saying, then don't say it.
There are too many people who think that that tenderness & weakness are the same thing.
A brilliant person is one who knows when to say nothing.
Feeling gratitude and not expressing it is like wrapping a present and not giving it.
It takes less time to do a thing right than it does to explain why you did it wrong.
If you wait too long to get your life on the right track, you just may find out that the train has already left. | |
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| This & That!
Posted: 5/17/2008 8:36:39 PM | Used in small amounts,
alcohol will remove stains and
spots from clothing.
(It could be beneficial if used in moderate quantities)
However, if used in sufficient quantity,
alcohol will remove the clothes themselves
from men, women, children as well as the
furniture from the home, the rugs from the
floor, food from the table, lining from the
stomach, vision from the eyss, judgement
from the mind.
It can also remove reputations, jobs,
friends, happiness, sanity, freedom, the
ability to live with others, and eventually
even life itself.
As a remover of things, alcohol has no equal! | |
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| This & That!
Posted: 5/17/2008 8:39:12 PM | Joke of the Day
Last Request Two men, sentenced to die in the electric chair on the same day, were led down to the room in which they would meet their maker. The warden, turning to the first man, solemnly asked, "Son, do you have a last request?"
The man replied, "Yes sir, I do. I love dance music. Could you please play the Macarena for me one last time?"
"Certainly," replied the warden. He turned to the other man and asked, " Well, what about you son? What is your final request?"
"Please," said the condemned man, "kill me first." | |
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| This & That!
Posted: 5/26/2008 10:52:08 PM | A drunk comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. The preacher, almost overcome by the smell of alcohol; asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find JESUS?"
The drunk replies, "Yes I am."
So the preacher dunks him, pulls him up and asks, "Have you found JESUS?"
"No," he replies. So the drunk dunks him again for a longer time, pulls him out and asks, "Have you found JESUS, my brother?"
Choking, the drunk gags, "Not yet."
The preacher, frustrated, dunks him again, and this time holds him under until his arms and legs are thrashing before pulling him up. "Now, for the love of God man have you found JESUS?"
The drunk equally frustrated sputters, "Look Buddy, are you sure this is where he fell in?" | |
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| This & That!
Posted: 5/26/2008 10:59:53 PM | When an old man died in the geriatric ward of a nursing home in Victoria, British Columbia, it was believed that he had nothing left of any value.
Later, when the nurses were going through his meager possessions, they found this poem. Its quality and content so impressed the staff that copies were made and distributed to every nurse in the Hospital.
One nurse took her copy to Vancouver. The old man's sole bequest to posterity has since appeared in the Christmas edition of the News Magazine of the BC Association for Mental Health. A slide presentation was also made based on his simple, but eloquent, poem.
And this little old man, with nothing left to give to the world, is now the author of this "anonymous" poem winging across the Internet.
Crabby Old Man
What do you see nurses? ..What do you see?
What are you thinking.....when you're looking at me?
A crabby old man, ...not very wise,
Uncertain of habit.....with faraway eyes?
Who dribbles his food.......and makes no reply.
When you say in a loud voice....."I do wish you'd try!"
Who seems not to notice ...the things that you do.
And forever is losing .......... A sock or shoe?
Who,resisting or not...........lets you do as you will,
With bathing and feeding The long day to fill?
Is that what you're thinking? Is that what you see?
Then open your eyes, nurse......you're not looking at me.
I'll tell you who I am ... As I sit here so still,
As I do at your bidding, .... ..as I eat at your will.
I'm a small child of Ten.......with a father and mother,
Brothers and sisters .........who love one another
A young boy of Sixteen ..with wings on his feet
Dreaming that soon now.......a lover he'll meet.
A groom soon at Twenty....my heart gives a leap.
Remembering, the vows......that I promised to keep.
At Twenty-Five, now .......... I have young of my own.
Who need me to guide .... And a secure happy home.
A man of Thirty ......... My young now grown fast,
Bound to each other ....... With ties that should last.
At Forty, my young sons...have grown and are gone,
But my woman's beside me.......to see I don't mourn.
At Fifty, once more, ... Babies play ' round my knee,
Again,we know children ....... My loved one and me.
Dark days are upon me ... My wife is now dead.
I look at the future ............. .I shudder with dread.
For my young are all rearing......young of their own.
And I think of the years....... And the love that I've known.
I'm now an old man.........and nature is cruel.
Tis jest to make old age ...look like a fool.
The body, it crumbles..........grace and vigor, depart.
There is now a stone........where I once had a heart.
But inside this old carcass ... A young guy still dwells,
And now and again ..... My battered heart swells
I remember the joys........... I remember the pain.
And I'm loving and living.............life over again.
I think of the years all too few......gone too fast.
And accept the stark fact........that nothing can last.
So open your eyes, people ........open and see..
Not a crabby old man. Look closer....see........ME!!
Remember this poem when you next meet an older person who you might brush aside without looking at the young soul within.....we will all,one day, be there, too!
PLEASE SHARE THIS POEM
The best and most beautiful things of this world can't be seen or touched.
They must be felt by the heart! | |
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| This & That!
Posted: 5/26/2008 11:02:47 PM | A woman walks into her doctor's office, scared of the strange development recently to the inside of her thighs...a green spot on the inside of each. They won't wash off, they won't scrape off, and they seem to be getting worse. The doctor assures her he'll get to the bottom of this and that she
needn't worry until the tests come back.
He sends her home.
A few days later, the woman's phone rings. Much to her relief, it's the doctor. She immediately begs to know what's going on with these spots? "You're perfectly healthy--there's no problem. But I'm wondering, is your husband a Harley guy?" the doctor asks. "Yes, how did you know?" "Tell him his earrings aren't real gold!" | |
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| This & That!
Posted: 5/26/2008 11:04:48 PM | A Saskatchewan police officer had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem - a 12-year-old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign, which read 'RADAR TRAP AHEAD' The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading 'TIPS' and a bucket full of money.
Better to remain silent and have people think you are stupid than to open your mouth and remove all doubt. | |
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| This & That!
Posted: 5/26/2008 11:08:12 PM | "Bear Hunt"
Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear.
He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it. The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could.
He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step.
Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat.
Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.
The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, "You skin this one while I go and get another!"
Special Humorous Entry Today:
Customer: Do you have and****oaches?
Clerk: Yes we sell them to the fisherman.
Customer: I would like 20,000 of them.
Clerk: What would you want with 20,000****oaches?
Customer: I’m moving tomorrow and my lease says I must leave my apartment in the condition in which I found it.
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LIFE IS TOO SHORT FOR PETTY THINGS, LAUGH HARD, LOVE TRULY AND FORGIVE QUICKLY. | |
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| This & That!
Posted: 5/26/2008 11:13:52 PM | Birthday Message
A man wants to celebrate his wife’s Birthday by throwing a party. So he goes to order a birthday cake. The salesman asks him what message he wants to put on the cake. Well he thinks for a while and says, Put ''You're not getting older, at the top and ''You're getting better'' at the bottom. The real fun didn’t start until the cake was opened the entire party watched the message decorated on the cake: ''You're not getting older at the top, You're getting better at the bottom.''
Churchill's Nap
A lady who was known as Churchill's main rival in parliament was giving a speech. Churchill, with his usual enthusiasm for his rival, dozed off while the lady was speaking. She stopped her speech and awoke Sir Winston by yelling, ''Mr. Churchill, must you sleep while I talk?'' Churchill sleepily replied, ''No, ma'am. I do so purely by choice.''
Donations
After the church service, a little boy told the pastor he was going to give him a lot of money when he grew up. ''Well, thank you,'' the pastor replied, ''But why?'' ''Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had!''
George is so Forgetful
“George is so forgetful,” the sales manager complained to his secretary. “It's a wonder he can sell and I'm not sure he'll even remember to come back.” Just then the door flew open, and in bounced George. “You'll never guess what happened!” he shouted. “While I was at lunch, I met Old Man Brown, who hasn't bought anything from us for five years. Well, we got to talking and he gave me this half-million dollar order!” “See,” sighed the sales manager to his secretary. “I told you he'd forget the sandwiches.”
Getting Married
Girl : When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.
Boy : It’s very kind of you, darling, But I don’t have any worries or troubles.
Girl : Well that is because we aren’t married yet.
Hospital Fun
Peter called his doctor’s office for an appointment. “I’m sorry,” said the receptionist, “we can’t fit you in for at least two weeks.” Peter said, “But I could be dead by then!” Receptionist replied, “No problem. If your wife lets us know, we’ll cancel the appointment." | |
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| This & That!
Posted: 5/26/2008 11:16:15 PM | A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her. ... She goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and sure enough, she opens the door and finds him in the arms of a redhead. ... Well, now she's angry! She opens her purse to take out the gun but as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and points to her head. ... The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!! ... "Shut up," she says, "You're next."
Q: Why did the blonde fail her driver's license?
A: She wasn't used to the front seat. | |
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