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| Men who are NOT players! What is your modus operandi for romancing a woman?
Posted: 3/3/2008 11:01:53 AM | But we are all players.Life is a play.I play myself.
I'm not a used car:perfect for some lady.
So I suggest we look for "deal-breakers"-we eliminate or confirm the prospect.
We do not hurry.When we agree we are the people we want we design a foundation upon which our association will stand-you and I back to back...one couple standing firm is the primary goal.
There is no wrong answer.We will never change the other.Our actively supporting the other-we get to work so our responsabilites are met-financial with no co-mingling of funds...and other such we are married in the common-law sense already and if she wants a ceremony my job is to shut up and make it happen,as she is more happy that way.
She'll,if I gotta go somewhere on business,I'd not be suprised if she packed a lunch for me.She's happy to do it.
That's the good stuff! | |
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| Men who are NOT players! What is your modus operandi for romancing a woman?
Posted: 3/3/2008 11:30:53 AM | This is a follow up to my post last week, the OPs observation (below) and the multiple postings (#53-59) by wallflower and ex-navy and swamp hunter (#63):
I guess that my post could be misleading. I was speaking fully within the context of my mind. I can find a person attractive, but I won't think about them sexually for some time. In fact, the act of connecting with someone puts off that testosterone rush until later. Physical intimacy and sexual humor come with exclusiveness unless my date otherwise encourages it (which can also be a turn off).
Nobody ever accused me of being too forward. I think the opposite is more the case. I'll flirt up a storm and not make a move. And my reticence reflects the fact that I recognize that a move begins a complex and involved story. Love, not sex, should be a very directed thing and I won't embark on any course until my brain and heart have had a nice conference.
Dating is NOT a game (ezak)--but there is a dance, and it involves taking in and sending out feedback--and altering it according to the actions of the other person--in order to ensure clear communication.
I'm fairly outgoing, affectionate, people friendly. Last week I tangled with--er, dated-- a Type-A personality, and my sense of decorum, dignity, respect, autonomy was trampled (overrun, roughshod). To the extent that the following day I checked in with several friends and professionals, who described his behavior as controlling--and abusive. I had to "debrief" by reading and writing in the forums--what the hell, all that posturing should never have happened: was he showing me how little he thought of me? (Yes.) Was he aware of it? (Possibly not.)
This same guy called me several times, but I didn't respond until today, and we had a lengthy (1/2 hour) conversation that cleared things up on both sides. That was good! I learned two or three things:
1) I'm disinclined to correct someone's bad behavior: rather, I take it to mean it says something about them, and I don't want to do the job of "telling them how I'd like to be treated." I expect him/her to be sensitive to my reaction--I change the subject, I get quiet, I avoid...being rude in this way.
2) This guy (a confessed type A), was focused on what HE wanted to get out of the date. I found it offensive. He was completely missing the personality traits quoted above, in bold, from the OP. Doesn't have them.
3) I consider those personality traits (in bold, above) exemplary behaviors. I certainly behave that way. I've observed this in others, and in social organizations.
So where am I going with this? I made a judgement/decision about 2): he's a guy I don't want to tangle with, because I'm always going to be "working" to rein in his natural tendencies: let someone else--another Type A personality--deal with him. What the hell, this is a date. Or it could also be an overly aggressive coworker, family member, neighbor, right? They tire you out, put you on guard.
Let's turn this around. I've dated pliant spongy mushrooms whose motives, attitudes, opinions are unknown. I have to surmise...I'm constantly guessing what they like, don't like, are offended by (Type A's don't waste their energy doing this).
So, in my outgoing friendliness, I may have offended someone, totally unbeknownst to me. And for this guy, he is on a mission, which can wound and offend the "fawn-like softness" I want to be able to present in order to be comfortable. Yes, there is a Standard Of Good Behavior--called the Golden Rule. But I think that means different things to different people.
Maybe dating affords us all the opportunity to exercise--express--experience--these behavior styles in ourselves and in others. I am loathe to correct someone else's behavior--we are, afterall, adults. However, I need to politely and persistently stand my ground to elicit the kind of treatment I want or enjoy. Sometimes, we realize it just ain't gonna happen. In this case, the guy was very open to hearing the feedback--after a few days. I've already made up my mind that I don't want to deal with the 'offending behavior' but I never clearly conveyed to this person (in a language he could understand) what I didn't like (until today).
I will give this guy credit, in being receptive in the conversation, and in giving me a lot of positive/complimentary feedback: I think I heard some honesty in there. I also think I DID pick up on some of his behaviors that could be manipulative. The really cool thing is that we were able to talk about them, and actually listen to each other.
I think when there are two agendas--they have to be observed, honored for what they are. And it is really gratifying if you can talk about them from each of your perspectives. I, for one, learned that this person's "player MO" included my interpretation of the actions and intent. It is up to me if I want to continue--but at least he is aware of my "speed limit" and I'm more aware of his.
Not a game, but a learning experience. It becomes a game if you don't take in this information to improve future communication and future behavior--whether with that person or with others. | |
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eazk
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Joined: 9/8/2006
Msg: 78 | |
| Men who are NOT players! What is your modus operandi for romancing a woman?
Posted: 3/3/2008 12:18:51 PM | I typically see that, on a scale of 1-100, where a 100 is someone ideally suited for dating and a 1 is someone who absolutely should not be dating, a significant people enter the dating pool as about a 20, rarely does someone become a 50 before they begin. Just because you are a 35 does not make the 80 a player, a type A, whatever.
If your method of self-justification of your decisions is to run it past all your friends, therapists, etc., and in which ONLY your side of the story is being stated...trust me, you're a sub-50. A part of being good dating material is the willingness to accept responsibility for your own actions, to be a healthy, happy person who the other sex simply enjoys being around.
Dating and assigning blame...typically, look in the mirror first...would you date you?
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| Men who are NOT players! What is your modus operandi for romancing a woman?
Posted: 3/3/2008 1:14:11 PM | eazk:
I think there are enough threads on here dissecting frogs....uh..ummm...I mean players. We all know what the term player on here is about. Sometimes nice words turn into ugly nouns. That is life.
What about you? Let's hear from you as you seem to be a very nice man with your thoughtful posts. If you met a woman that stirred your interest in many ways, what would naturally and honestly kick into gear inside you to woo her? | |
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| Men who are NOT players! What is your modus operandi for romancing a woman?
Posted: 3/3/2008 4:03:39 PM | There is something that the last couple of men I have been dating have done that really sent my heart to fluttering... so guys especially you young ones.. listen up.. hehehe..
It is hard to describe what they did so let me do an analogy.. ok?
You know when a man dances with a woman.. he has his hand on her back sort of in the center so he can "guide" her with the pressure of his hands. He is leading her in the dance. There is the most subtle.. pressure that he applys to naturally guide her around the dance floor.
I'll tell you what.. a man that can lead in the dating dance is a rare one.. that is he isn't controlling.. he isn't passive (ew I hate that). The last two men I have dated have done this very thing on our dates.. it is wonderful.. I loved it.. and it has made dating them a pleasure. And get this guys.. when a guy gently takes the lead it brings out the femininity of the woman..  | |
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| Men who are NOT players! What is your modus operandi for romancing a woman?
Posted: 3/3/2008 4:05:56 PM | Men who are not players have an emotional investment in the process.
Have you ever noticed how it is harder to be honest about your feelings than it is to lie.
A player is going to tell you things to make you feel good, trusting etc. For examble he will tell you how beautiful you are all the time if that makes you smile.
It's totally different when someone says the same thing because it is how they feel.
But more often that not the woman is not going to recognise that difference, and not see when a line is not a line but an expression of feeling.
Similarly with procamations of love. When you think about it it's pretty obvious really. | |
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eazk
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Joined: 9/8/2006
Msg: 83 | |
| Men who are NOT players! What is your modus operandi for romancing a woman?
Posted: 3/3/2008 6:33:16 PM | That's the thing, wallflower, there is no "motus operandi" unless you want to count things like "having fun", being interested and interesting, etc., but basically, if she's not smart, cute and fun, it's really pretty pointless.
The point is, attraction is not a choice...we attract what we project. Granted, they don't all work out, but the just keep being the person you want to be and eventually, your match will find you. The key to that statement is "to know who you really are and know how to reflect that".
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| Men who are NOT players! What is your modus operandi for romancing a woman?
Posted: 3/3/2008 7:02:25 PM | Ahhhh...eazk,
You are looking for smart, cute and fun...to start. Nice appetizer!
Now that she has grabbed your attention and now that you are very interested....
Do you do the lovely words? Do the things that make her smile? Because you want to impress her and show your best side? Show her that you are very interested because you want to know everything about her?
If you do that, that is what the dance of love and romance is. If you do it in all honesty, then, of course, she will be swept away.
I wanted the men on here to know that it is OK to romance a woman. As long as your intentions are honest.
If you know it's not going to go anywhere, stop it in it's tracks. Don't even bring sex into it, even if she initiates it. | |
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| Men who are NOT players! What is your modus operandi for romancing a woman?
Posted: 3/4/2008 12:56:38 PM | | OP,i think we all have the opportunity to control own destiny somewhat with regards to our personal relationships,try to remember what the "player"(lets just drop the existential b/s and call a spade a spade here for a moment) did, what he said,and how it went,carefully analyze his words and actions,(and yours)-and maybe by carefully remembering(without transfering anger) you will be better able to avoid this situation in the future--also, as a non-player, i tend to wait until the woman cues that she is ready for intimacy... | |
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| Men who are NOT players! What is your modus operandi for romancing a woman?
Posted: 3/4/2008 6:58:40 PM | It's Ok, rivereye...
I actually ended up married for 20 yrs. to a player...divorced many years ago. Innoculated very well against all others that try to cross my path. They only amuse me.
I am still very sensitive to seeing my friends being worked over by them. I have had to go out in the middle of the night on different occasions to settle down overwrought friends who went borderline suicidal.
What I am trying to do here is something positive. Show these lovely friends of mine and other women that there are so many nice decent men on these dating sites, too. It breaks my heart to see them get bitter and disillusioned. Then it's no good for the men who want to meet a nice woman and all they get is a broken shell.
Time to do a change-up and put these non-committment type of men out of business.
You women who enable this kind of behaviour from these kind of men, give your head a shake, too. You are just as guilty. | |
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| Men who are NOT players! What is your modus operandi for romancing a woman?
Posted: 3/4/2008 11:22:39 PM | Very interesting thread wallflower1 (op)
Until recently, I had only been with one woman in about 10 years - my ex-to-be...
Then about 6 months ago I started dating again... The first 3 months or so I was pretty much just working on my social skills. Teaching myself how to hold a "normal" conversation. My "separated" status on my profile did a pretty good job of scaring most women actually looking for a relationship away from me...
During this period I stumbled across the forums, read a couple of good books, and went on a few 1st meets... (Also made several good friends)
Somewhere during this time period it dawned on me that I had never been particularly successful with women because women want to be "romanced." I, on the other hand, had never bothered to learn how to romance a woman because I considered it impractical, awkward, and goofy...
I have since started "teaching myself" how to be romantic... It does not have to be about expensive dinners and vacations. Bottom line is you have to PAY ATTENTION to what is important to her and/or show her that she matters to you... Take that basic concept and "run with it" in your own way...
LITTLE things like stalling when opening a door for her to give her a kiss first, holding her hand while walking together, taking an empty glass of HERS and taking it to the kitchen, putting things back in the fridge when she is done with them while she is making dinner, showing up with a lighter and/or candles when she is taking a bath, picking up her favorite beverage / food item once in a while, leaving a little note (with envelope in her favorite color) , calling unexpectedly to let her know you were thinking of her, planning a little trip or getaway together, asking her if she needs anything from the store as you pass it on the way to her place, etc, etc... can make all the difference between you being treated like furniture or royalty...
It is really sad that there are SO MANY good guys out there that do not understand how important these "stupid little things" are to a woman feeling loved and appreciated. The "players" have it down. They know how to play with a woman's emotions like a skilled musician plays with an instrument...
It is way past time to "level the playing field." The women need to grow some "balls" and realize that it is probably much easier to train a geeky nerd whose heart is in the right place what / how to act so that she feels spoiled and appreciated than it is to get a player to behave honestly and honorably. The men who are "socially inept" need to learn how to communicate better with women. If need be, start with a few platonic friendships to make you less nervous talking to pretty women in general. That way, when you meet the one that sets your heart aflutter you may actually be able to get a few words out...
The main difference between "players" and "good guys" is honesty. I also suspect that a "player" will try to romance a girl immediately. A "good guy" will try and figure out if he likes a girl BEFORE he tries to romance her. (If she will not open up enough for him to get a peek at who she is so he can make that determination then we'll probably see another "no sparks" thread...) | |
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| Men who are NOT players! What is your modus operandi for romancing a woman?
Posted: 3/5/2008 2:37:37 PM | What is your modus operandi for romancing a woman? Actually the only thing that
I do, is do the complete opposite of what my date will expect. A woman first off will be
on her guard for your sexual advance. I give none! We have a good time, I make her laugh, feel needed, let her get comfortable in who i am, we slow dance, Then if I enjoyed the night! A kiss on the cheek and a hug! I'll call next and follow up in saying I had a great time last night and hope you did too! Lets do it again soon! Let the rest up to her! | |
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| Men who are NOT players! What is your modus operandi for romancing a woman?
Posted: 3/9/2008 9:50:05 PM | .
txsippiGal
I'll tell you what.. a man that can lead in the dating dance is a rare one.. that is he isn't controlling.. he isn't passive (ew I hate that). The last two men I have dated have done this very thing on our dates.. it is wonderful.. I loved it.. and it has made dating them a pleasure. And get this guys.. when a guy gently takes the lead it brings out the femininity of the woman..
Hmmm, that was common knowledge when I was in high school (late 1950s).
Today, I can also admire a gal who wants to lead. Guys, too, can appreciate someone who is sure of themself, but not controlling.
For SOME women, feminism seems to be an excuse to be just as big a jerk as some guys can be,
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| Men who are NOT players! What is your modus operandi for romancing a woman?
Posted: 3/9/2008 10:01:06 PM | .
wallflower1
What I am trying to do here is something positive. Show these lovely friends of mine and other women that there are so many nice decent men on these dating sites, too. It breaks my heart to see them get bitter and disillusioned. Then it's no good for the men who want to meet a nice woman and all they get is a broken shell.
OUCH.
Perhaps it's my age. But almost half the women I meet are a broken shell, and I gravitate toward independent women. At times, I'm almost ashamed of my gender.
Specifically, they are literally terrified of allowing themselves to be vulnerable ... which makes it impossible to find or accept the type of intimacy they want. Ironically, when they finally left the **stard, they probably know more about wanting that intimacy, simply because they never had it.
I can't honestly guarantee I will never hurt them, even knowing their fears. And if we date for a month it's almost inevitable (law of averages, not knowing each other that well yet).
If you were there for 20 years wallflower1, you may understand that as soon as she mentions a failed marriage, I immediately ask when was the first time you stood up to him. She has given me no reason for that question, but she answers it anyhow.
THAT is sad.
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| Men who are NOT players! What is your modus operandi for romancing a woman?
Posted: 3/10/2008 4:34:04 AM | Lets get real about allthis dating business and dating sites.
Firstly EVERYONE male, or female is looking for something that does not exist!
We have far to high expectations and of course we can all pretend to be ANYONE and ANYTHING on here. It is all to superficial.
Body language is far more vital and sincere so chatting on here is not going to tell us anything about each other, and neither are the photographs posted!!
Yes, women believe it is all about sex for men..be honest guys...lots of you think its an easy squeeze.
The men i have met or chatted to on these sites have always remained chatting and seeing other women, so yes, it can be assumed they are players and if there are any genuine guys i really dont know where they are...or maybe it could be me...just not nice enough eh!! | |
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| Men who are NOT players! What is your modus operandi for romancing a woman?
Posted: 3/10/2008 4:57:53 AM |
Has a woman gone on a 2nd or 3rd date if your first date was loaded with sexual advances?
Never, ever, make any sexual advances on the first date. Keep you hands to yourself except for a brief hello/goodbye hug. I always follow this policy, and by the second or third date, there is usually some pretty good kissing. Things just progress from there, sometimes faster and sometimes slower. But I repeat...make absolutely no advances on the first date. Engage in plenty of conversation, and actually listen to what she is saying. If there is a connection, you will know by the second or third date. | |
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| Men who are NOT players! What is your modus operandi for romancing a woman?
Posted: 3/10/2008 5:42:44 AM |
would not a smart guy act just like a player just not use her and lose her. But keep her around since players are actually good at what they want
That is a good point. I have been called a player because I have met and dated a lot of women. And I have gone to bed with a few of them. But I never did so with the intention of just getting some and moving on. My goal has always been to find the one that would turn into a LTR. So, I do not think I am a player. | |
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| Men who are NOT players! What is your modus operandi for romancing a woman?
Posted: 3/10/2008 6:16:46 AM |
The men i have met or chatted to on these sites have always remained chatting and seeing other women, so yes, it can be assumed they are players and if there are any genuine guys i really dont know where they are...or maybe it could be me...just not nice enough eh!!
Snazzyshaz, I got off of Singlenet last October because I thought I had found the woman of my dreams. By December, I had been dumped. So what if the men you met chatted with other women? Were you in an exclusive relationship? It is a dating service for crying out loud! Now if you date this guy for some time and decide he is the one, you should mutually agree to remove your profile and then do it | |
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| Men who are NOT players! What is your modus operandi for romancing a woman?
Posted: 3/10/2008 6:46:29 AM | snazzyshaz
The men i have met or chatted to on these sites have always remained chatting and seeing other women, so yes, it can be assumed they are players and if there are any genuine guys i really dont know where they are...or maybe it could be me...just not nice enough eh!
It's you. 
CHATTING should never be considered an exclusive relationship.
The rest? Here's a thought: You need to work that out with the guys you meet. I find that everyone's expectations are different with online matching.
Put that on your list of things to discuss, either before or during your first date. It need not be confrontive. Don't we all chat about the horrors of online dating? Sneak it in there.
But I disagree with those who don't make any distinction unless it's an "exclusive relationship" EITHER ONE of us can choose to be in an exclusive relationship. And who is crazy enough to believe both the gal and the guy are ready to commit at the same time?
C'mon people. TALK to each other!
My age group may not be typical, but the consensus among the gals I ask if that they don't want the obligation of me seeing only them, not at first. But somewhere around the 3rd - 5th date, they expect the guy to care enough to be seeing only them ... if they aren't quite sure yet themselves, and they do likewise. But without a commitment. It's kinda understood. Call it being respectful.
These are people, with feelings ... not lawyers trying to decide if a contract is enforceable in court.
So ... negotiate.
I have NEVER seen a women uncomfortable when I bring this up. They even enjoy telling me that they don't want the obligation of me being exclusive at first ... simply because they have no right to expect it of me that early.
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| Men who are NOT players! What is your modus operandi for romancing a woman?
Posted: 3/10/2008 10:18:43 AM | | Wow there's some very intresting stuff on here.. I'm just try'n to figure out how is one considerd a player because they talk to multiple women ?? How are you to find out wich one is better if you can only talk to one at a time ? So If Im talking to one do I now have to stop talking to all other females ? I guess Im just try'n to figure out how are you considerd a "Player" on a dating site ? | |
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| Men who are NOT players! What is your modus operandi for romancing a woman?
Posted: 3/10/2008 10:46:36 AM | """Crap....... I am not romantic at all and it has nothing to do with past relationships it hs to do with my personality and how i like to relate to the men I am with, and it doesnt mean I havent been treated like a queen, or have been treated badly"""
I always say be yourself and act like a man (thats for my lil bro on here who's skank wife left him and there 4 kids cause she wanted a guy with Harleys) he wrote "..and I always put the toilet seat down".
So if you are a nice guy try this little test: put a potatoe in your pants, and see if she notices and how she "responds". Remember to put it in the front, not the back.
edit: """The men i have met or chatted to on these sites have always remained chatting and seeing other women, so yes, it can be assumed they are players and if there are any genuine guys i really dont know where they are...or maybe it could be me...just not nice enough eh! """ "" It's you. ""
Yeah its you and about 98 % of the women here and 90% of the guys (since 90% percent of the guys ruin it for the rest of us).
Ok Masked Hero, no need to rub it in. BUT....if you do meet the woman of your dreams (remember to be the man of hers) you better not let her find out you are chatting with other chicks, unless they are asking you what kind of toast or dressing you want.
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| Men who are NOT players! What is your modus operandi for romancing a woman?
Posted: 3/10/2008 11:25:13 AM |
Lets get real about allthis dating business and dating sites.
Firstly EVERYONE male, or female is looking for something that does not exist!
Yes, but if people realized and believed that, every church on the planet would be up on RE/MAX by the end of the week...
We have far to high expectations and of course we can all pretend to be ANYONE and ANYTHING on here. It is all so superficial.
Again... sure. And easier to do that in here than in real life. But some of us don't pretend to be anybody other than who we are, the good the bad the quirks ;-). It's the ONLY way something, some "place" like this can work for anyone hoping to find something real.
Body language is far more vital and sincere so chatting on here is not going to tell us anything about each other, and neither are the photographs posted!!
Chatting can be fun, yes, but I agree, I prefer to chat with someone I've met, rather than someone I'm trying to meet. But, if body language is so important, though, use Skype, and talk and see their body language. It's free and can be very anonymous.
Yes, women believe it is all about sex for men..be honest guys...lots of you think its an easy squeeze.
It certainly could be if I'd start lying to women, yes, agreed.
The men i have met or chatted to on these sites have always remained chatting and seeing other women, so yes, it can be assumed they are players and if there are any genuine guys i really dont know where they are...or maybe it could be me...just not nice enough eh!!
Can be assumed? We're both old enough to know the saying that goes with that word ;-).
Players... well, thing is, for instance, *me*, I know what I want to find... or, I am hoping to recognize it when I meet it. I'm not settling for the first tolerable "just a warm female form" that comes along, sorry. So if that means I'm chatting with a couple of ladies, maybe even seeing them socially, that would be mostly my business until the relationship becomes more intimate. And my "M.O." for if the relationship is edging towards the bedroom door, is honestly discussing it with the lady in question, asking her what she wants, expects, what I want, what I expect the effect on our "until now friendship" will be, what happens is if we pass through the archway.
Wanna know the biggest difference between "players" and "good guys", and the only one that really matters?
The players will lie to get into bed with you. Good guys won't; not before, not after. That's it.
Thing is, there are atleast three kinds of PEOPLE in here:
First kind are, well, like me. Living outside of the urban centers, and this place saves a lot of gas and my liver appreciates me staying out of the pubs as often as possible. Might be we'll meet our someone at the local farmer's market, but we see a lot more faces in here ;-).
Second kind are uban folks that are ALSO in here, as well as doing the urban hunt bar scene social outing. Might be their lives are hectic, and this place is a viable time-effective option.
Third kind are the ones that can't be let out in public, and this is their last refuge ;-).
It's the third kind that are the rotten apples in the barrel, I think...
Cowboy | |
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ukyoss
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Joined: 2/20/2005
Msg: 100 | |
| Men who are NOT players! What is your modus operandi for romancing a woman?
Posted: 3/10/2008 11:30:28 AM | | Im looking for a good freind who might one day be part of my heart. I have no game , romance ? Well i would consider that treating a lady like a lady. making her smile, showing her that she is the most important person in your life and being there for her when she is sad or having issues . Sometimes just being able to lsiten and be a freind when she needs it. Doing little things for her to make her day a lil better. I think honesty and letting loose of having to be macho is a big thing as well. Too many guys want to be brad pitt instead of just being themsleves. | |
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