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| Why are most men afraid of the M word?
Posted: 2/29/2008 7:37:40 PM |
I'm *looking* for a friendship, based on a strong mutual respect and trust, that can *DEVELOP* into more. Putting the cart before the horse usually ends up not working out so well.
A-friggin-men, dude. Ever since I turned 30 I meet women who have a list on their fridge that goes like this:
To Do:
- Take car to mechanic
- pick up dinner
- pay bills
- get married
- change lightbulb in hallway
They just want to get married because they think that's where they're supposed to be in life. | |
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| Why are most men afraid of the M word?
Posted: 2/29/2008 7:50:05 PM | I see so many men who feel they have been "taken advantage of in their marriage (once they have gone through a divorce).....That may be true for some, but with so many women working today and more and more of them earning at least as much as their husbands and maybe even more, I am not sure that is always true today. even if the woman did not earn as much as her husband, she did contribute to the family in many ways, including, but not limitied to, housekeeping and childrearing. For women with good careers that make alot of money, many women work and contribute more financially. I always thought that marriage was a shared life experience without scorecards, but it seems that alot of people keep financial records and don't do much in keeping track of other things that were "invested" in the marriage.
I think all of us that have been married should get off our high horses and just admit that the marriage didn't work. NOBODY wins from a failed mariage and these feeling of blaming each other, I think, is what makes us so reluctant to find "the love of our life" because of all this darn excess baggage. I for one am looking for the "partner that I will cherish for the rest of my life". I know he is out that and that one day, or maybe already, we will find one another. With so many divorced singles out there, it is very sad that we cannot find one of them that we can love and we sit in these forums placing blame on the other person, when it was a "couple" decision not to stay together and try to work things out...I feel sorry for all of us. | |
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| Why are most men afraid of the M word?
Posted: 2/29/2008 7:53:36 PM | | Jon and men who think like you need to get over yourself. You think your some sort of prize we want to add to our collection? That your so much better then women that you have to keep your distance for fear they will trap you into marriage. Give me a break. Men understand this, women who want a man and I use that word very carefully as not all men are men. SOme and many are still boys, want a romantic, loving, supportive, companion not a mechanic or bulb changer. lol. I can do most all work myself including building my own house. I want the strong arms of a confident man who is not afraid to love me and be there for me. Not a whimpy chicken who is hiding behind his mothers apron. A humble man is a confident man and a confident man is a loving man. He does not run and hide. | |
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| Why are most men afraid of the M word?
Posted: 2/29/2008 8:22:15 PM |
If I purchased a Chevy and it broke down all the time, should I just stop buying chevys?
Interesting, on the flip side...I've always had excellent luck with Chevrolet, in particular the Tahoe...so I bought a new one. If it works..it works. It it doesn't...it doesn't.
I want the strong arms of a confident man who is not afraid to love me and be there for me. Not a whimpy chicken who is hiding behind his mothers apron. A humble man is a confident man and a confident man is a loving man. He does not run and hide.
Also very telling about your mindset. You feel that men who are not interested in marriage are afraid to love..wimpy chickens hiding behing their mama's apron....and accuse those uninterested in marriage of running and hiding.
Again, that's too bad. Some of us (male and female) don't equate the government's stamp of approval on our union as being the be all and end all of a committed and loving relationship.
Best wishes to you OP. But, if you continue to broach the subject of marriage early on in a dating realtionship, expect the majority to run..not because of your judgemental stance that they're chickens..but because of your tendency to want to have complete comtrol over another human being....from early dating to the grave. | |
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| Why are most men afraid of the M word?
Posted: 2/29/2008 8:49:21 PM | | when the M word is used within the first year as in why dont we get M? then yeah, a big red flag, you only have to get burned so many times before you figure out the lighter =bad thing. the choices must be left open, goes with the old saying, cant nobody ever say they havent paid for it, everytime they get divorced the one that loses has paid for that dearly, most times more than Nevada rates lol. | |
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| Why are most men afraid of the M word?
Posted: 2/29/2008 8:58:28 PM | or maybe they don't find the female "M" ready, and its easier to say they don't want that kind of commitment than to say its you. Otherwise they really wouldn't be out in the first place, everyone needs someone, but that someone needs to fit with them. so that won't happen | |
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| Why are most men afraid of the M word?
Posted: 2/29/2008 10:33:30 PM | Actually, I just got asked my opinion on this at happy hour by the wife of a friend, who knows I'm a widower, after a friend she knew there was griping about this subject due to a strained relationship, apparently there was hesitation that was not appreciated by this woman from her SO.
I immediately pointed out that it's not just guys, it's more a societal thing, imo.
Of course, that wasn't enough and I got put on the spot, so I said that, for me, if I can find the right woman, marriage is certainly possible, I have no fear of any word, have no hang ups about such things, but I'm not hurrying into anything. Just calling it the M word says something right there. What I have gone through - I WENT THROUGH, ie. it's over, I'm passed it and moving on. I have no hang ups about these things.
I want to meet the right woman and take our time to see if we will head in that direction, evolve to that. Other than that I can make no decision one way or the other until I'm there.
The old never say never kind of thing.
If I am with someone, then I am committed to that person, with our without a stated commitment.
Perhaps I'm old fashioned in certain respects, perhaps in many. Granted, I'm an idealist.  | |
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| Why are most men afraid of the M word?
Posted: 2/29/2008 11:17:44 PM |
I think man kind has givin up on love, commitment, and 2 being as one. We want to have everything uncomplicated and easy and care free and without responsiblities. No more giving up your own selfish needs to please someone else. Its all about pleasing one self. That is why marriage is going to die. People just don't care anymore.
Keep your chin up, Treasurehunter! Marriage isn't for everyone. I've said this before numerous times because it's true. Marriage shouldn't be something that just everyone does. Most people couldn't make a marriage work if they bent over backwards because they don't have the kind of mindset that is necessary to make it succeed. For those of us who have divorced after being married, many of us have learned what we did wrong or what was done wrong to us and we now know better. We've learned how to properly approach the thing and succeed at it. The thing is, you need a partner with a similar mindset toward making marriage work and last. This is a must and you can't compromise on this part of it.
I think that men who are afraid of marriage are men who are afraid of overall commitment in general. I think it's a sign of maturity and respect for one's partner that when you're ready to close the deal and you know you've got a good thing on your line, you marry her. If a man seems afraid, cut him loose. Don't waste time on those who have no intention of treating you with respect. If it's a serious commitment you desire, find someone who feels the same. They are out here.
I can't imagine having a man's children without the ultimate commitment (for those of child bearing age) and most men who want kids agree. Things get screwed up though when people don't honor their commitments and expect that it will all be easy street. Marriage and having children is hard work. You need someone able to honor their commitments, who is mature enough to do so. Having kids without the security of marriage is irresponsible, in my opinion, though there are countless single moms who do the best they can, but I'm sure most would rather have a decent man by their side, whom they can honestly call "partner."
Marriage will never die, Treasurehunter. On another aspect of this forum, under Religion, someone started a thread that religion would soon phase itself out and die. That will never happen. There will always be people who desire something spiritual in their lives, who are seeking more and it is the same with marriage. Personally, I think it's probably a good thing that less desire marriage because then it will be something truly special that a special few manage to take on and incorporate into their lives. The meaning will again be returned to a wonderful concept that works for those who work it.
Passionnsong in message 42 says:
Its like saying I just want to drive the car for a as long as I want, but do not want to buy it just use it abuse it and leave it. Women are letting themselves be pulled into the new "I don't want to get married excuse". So we all fall for it and say okay. Meanwhile the men just get what they want and move on. Sorry but that is so sad. But if women don't care then go for it. I respect marriage even though I had a bad marriage I am not bitter. I made the wrong choice. Simple as that. I am very careful now. I know what I want and don't want. I frankly don't see any relationships where people live together that lasts long. Which brings me back to my statement that women are allowing men to use them. Like the one guy said why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free. You don't think most men feel that way?
This is a man that is putting together the pieces of the puzzle and that's rare in men! He's thinking deeply on the matter and has arrived at the conclusion that women are giving themselves away to those who are afraid of commitment and a lot of these women are okay with this, amazingly. Men are essentially doing the same but I think it is far more popular and expected that men enjoy casual sex without serious commitment. But not all men want to have casual sex. Some men would prefer to be respected and deeply loved. Some men would appreciate a commitment that lasts a lifetime. I think this man and some others are open to the ultimate in commitment. As I've said, these men are special and rare. You will not find them swimming on the surface of every pond. Some of these you have to cast out for and wait, patiently biding your time.
Treasurehunter, don't give up. Your prince will arrive in due time. If you want marriage, hold out for it. Don't give yourself away on the cheap, hon. It is here for the taking. You just have to pull in Mr. Right. Give yourself time and a dose of patience. And seriously, be positive. It'll happen. | |
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| Why are most men afraid of the M word?
Posted: 2/29/2008 11:18:41 PM | | men and women are both afraid of marriage, because they have been burned, and don't have the level of commitment to work at a second or third one. many married for children and did not project such things as alimony or child support. also people need to take time and risk to get to know each other unmarried. the older you get, the more complicated--but if you work on a relationship, it can be rewarding. some will marry and some will not. to me, it's about providing mutual protection for two people growing old together. but if i was in one way and my partner another--meaning one with the money and one without, it might feel a bit risky --given what has happened in the past. although i would n't mind caring for someone, i don't want my assets taken away from me either. so it takes time. | |
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| Why are most men afraid of the M word?
Posted: 2/29/2008 11:28:51 PM | Ok. Dare I ask .... why would I get married?
I'm not changing my name - I have a professional name attached to various publications and it doesn't change.
I'm not having any more kids ... 'nuff on my plate with grandkids.
I'm not mixing my finances with someone else. I am secure and prepared and any leftovers go to my kids or grandkids (Yes, I might skip a generation).
I don't need any societal approval for my living arrangements.
If I end up with a long term relationship with someone to share emotional and spiritual and mental support of each other, it won't need a piece of paper or ritual. It will be for and of the present. Just for today.
So, help me understand. What am I missing. Why would I marry? Not afraid of it, just don't see any upside to it. | |
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| Why are most men afraid of the M word?
Posted: 2/29/2008 11:44:24 PM | Why are most men afraid of the M word?
Because after ten years we have to pay for the rest of your lives whether you were a good wife or otherwise. We have to give you half of everything we have earned because you happen to have been married and...although you didn't actually DO anything to help bring the cash in you still get half.
Being married means a woman has two paychecks to spend, more credit cards to run up etc etc etc. Not one of my married friends has a wife that earns more than they do or are even willing to do a single thing around the house by way of compensation...in fact they go out of their way to be angry/ bitter and seem to 'enjoy' being in a constant bad mood and sarcasm flows as freely as wine at a Sonoma wedding.
Because women nowadays do not cook/clean or do stuff that was part of the unwritten agreement of days gone by. Sooo what IS in marriage for guys? You tell me...please!!! don't get into the 'nurturing/warm fuzzy' crap-BE CONCRETE! | |
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| Why are most men afraid of the M word?
Posted: 2/29/2008 11:46:53 PM | 'but with so many women working today and more and more of them earning at least as much as their husbands and maybe even more,'
How can this be true when we have had the 'women earn 70 cents for every mans dollar for doing the exact same job'...unless the guy earns min wage in which case 99% of the women around wouldn't have anything to do with him. | |
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| Why are most men afraid of the M word?
Posted: 3/1/2008 12:05:38 AM | Because women nowadays do not cook/clean or do stuff that was part of the unwritten agreement of days gone by. Sooo what IS in marriage for guys? You tell me...please!!! don't get into the 'nurturing/warm fuzzy' crap-BE CONCRETE!
Marriage is a partnership, 776877. Partnership means that these days probably both work. It means that both help with the cooking and the cleaning and both help with the kids. It means that everyone is doing his or her part. It means that both work hard to achieve something special together. Marriage is a legal commitment and decision you make to stay together as a team, working toward both of your dreams that you've manged to incorporate together and know the two of you can fulfill with one another. Marriage means that you don't have to worry about whether or not she'll still love you if you lose your leg, or have ED, or you can't work because you've been seriously injured. But it also means that if she puts on a few pounds, you can't leave her either. Instead you might have to dust off your walking boots and put them on, heading around the block with her for about a three mile walk each eve before the sun goes down.
Marriage is work. It is literally teamwork and it demands a good team attitude 24/7 whether you feel like it or not. It means compromise and effort, through thick and thin, through good and bad, as long as you both shall live. It's not about what's yours or what's hers. It's about what now belongs to the two of you, debt included, -- forever. Divorce is not an option so you better get good at communicating. Real good. Real fast.
All of the above is a sampling of what marriage is for. It's for those who want a teammate they can trust, forever. If you don't find someone who is teammate material, who you know will work as hard as you will, who you know you are willing to commit to for the rest of your life, who will equally commit herself to you, pass marriage by or pass her by and keep on looking. You will not like marriage if you don't have the right team player for it. | |
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| Why are most men afraid of the M word?
Posted: 3/1/2008 12:24:53 AM |
Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free :)
MOOooOOOOOoooo
Oh, "sam i am" ... thanks for the laughs.... here's another one, and hopefully no one else has posted this already, as I've not read the entire thread yet:
Why buy the whole pig for just a little sausage?
Yes, marriage has gotten a bad name, as both men and women have treated spouses like crap, taken all their money, and left them as so much broken refuse along the highway of life. But, that doesn't mean that marriage in itself is bad or has to be that way. It just means that person was/is a jerk (be they male or female).
I think men, and women, say they will never marry again as a defense mechanism. Who wants to go through that pain again, if the marriage ended in divorce? Nowdays, you can have your cake and eat it to, and you don't even have to cohabit to get it. | |
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| Why are most men afraid of the M word?
Posted: 3/1/2008 1:03:59 AM | I've never been married and I have been very happy. I live for my friendships, with those that treat me well. It's amazing how much you can learn about people when you stress friendship above all else. Everyone is in some great race, not necessarily for marriage, but all this closeness with people they don't even know yet. Take time, make friends, love yourself, and learn about yourself most of all. I'm the rare bird I know, 35, and never married, no kids, but I don't care what society thinks. I'd rather have my life, enjoy my day and love who I am than satisfy their (as in society's) needs. Marriage can be a joke, but so can many things. It's what's right for each person that matters. If men run from it, it's because there is no heart to it anymore, it's just a thing to do. I feel that too.
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| Why are most men afraid of the M word?
Posted: 3/1/2008 1:39:43 AM | I don't think i will ever marry again- i have no desire to thats for sure. I dont think its limited to men by any means. Having done the 'married with kids' bit, I would now prefer a monogamous relationship with a great guy who also has his own life (and house!!). Perhaps on sites like this, the majority of people have tried marriage and been heartbroken, so the idea of a binding contract scares the bejesus out of us...
Perhaps too some men have found that women want marriage for security- i know several of my friends feel this way- and men simply dont want to be someone's security blanket against the big bad world?? I dunno.. but at my stage of life (44 with a 16 yr old) i just dont need the whole marriage thing.
I must add here I do have a great guy with his own life/address....  | |
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| Why are most men afraid of the M word?
Posted: 3/1/2008 2:12:57 AM |
Jon and men who think like you need to get over yourself.
Actually we don't. That's part of the freedom that comes with being single
Men understand this, women who want a man and I use that word very carefully as not all men are men.
Ding-dong! "real man" alert!
Some and many are still boys,
Wonderful! "If you don't want marriage, you're still a boy". Shaming language, lovely!
I want the strong arms of a confident man who is not afraid to love me and be there for me.
Ok, now for the prize question: What makes you think that Prince Charming would want your ... er... stuff? | |
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| Why are most men afraid of the M word?
Posted: 3/1/2008 6:02:52 AM | | Knight let me enlighten you who makes snap judgements based on a persons handle. I am an antique dealer and the name of my store is Found treasures. I like hunting for treasures and in fact I think a good man who is not judgemental , mean spirited, can let go of selfishness and treat me like a special lady is a treasure. There for I am a treasure hunter in more ways then one. I think its such a turn off to women when men get parinoid about their money and automaticly think women are after thier money. lol don't make me laugh. Is that all you men have to offer is money? Please. Do you realize how rediculous that sounds. The last thing on my mind is a mans money. I could care less if he is rich or poor. Makes no difference. What makes a difference is his personality and attitude. | |
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| Why are most men afraid of the M word?
Posted: 3/1/2008 6:08:58 AM | Rock hunter who does not have a picture of himself, why do I think someone would want me? Great question.
Because I am confident, sexy, carry myself well, Im fairly intelligent, have a ton of hobbies and talent, built my own home, a great problem solver, have a great sense of humor, very forgiving, good listener, like helping people when I can, have great children and grandchildren who are very successful, been told I am very sexy, hot, vivacious, and the best kisser they have ever met. This is just a glimps of who I am. There is alot more but I save that for people who really give a shet. | |
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| Why are most men afraid of the M word?
Posted: 3/1/2008 6:58:37 AM | | Pay no attention treasurehunter28 I am glad that there are a few beautiful women such as yourself out there that are not so jaded on the M subject . Gives me faith that I am not wasting my time and that she is out there somewhere. | |
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| Why are most men afraid of the M word?
Posted: 3/1/2008 7:17:34 AM | I have always known there is more to a great relationship than lust.
this seems elementary. If it was purely lust i desired, when younger, as you state...then I wouldn't have married. haha.
But
I have had two marriages...both good runs....three great children....
and..yes, I lost everything
but in the ensuing years....I gained 'more than I could ever imagine;.....myself.
I have a good friend who always says...she's not necessarily thinking about marriage...or even relationship....but...she's keepin' the porch lite on.
I like that.
I am open ...that anything can happen....but it would take the right situation...and right personal combination...in the last seven years there hasn't been "that" woman.
So, some men might be afraid of marriage..yet I know plenty (of men) that would jump into it in a heartbeat.....because they are lonely and afraid and incomplete.......would you want a man like that???
peace today
````````` 'Kimbo~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ | |
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