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| Do men really like 'hard to get' women?
Posted: 3/2/2008 8:16:47 AM |
Where have you been my whole life?!
Raising kids that are nearly as old as you are now! 
Totally get that it has to end somewhere, and I'm not talking about making a game out of it. Understand, I don't LIKE being 'hard to get', and normally I'm quite content doing the pursuer role (or vice-versa), but it just hasn't panned out.
I've spent many hours thinking about this, talking about this with people who know me very well. I have a very good grasp on who I am and how people work -- I have a masters in counseling psychology and make my living helping folks understand themselves and makeing their lives work. To a person, everyone, including my men friends who have known me for 30 years, are perplexed as to why I'm still single...except to say that I'm too strong!
So hey, if what you are doing isn't working -- YOU TRY SOMETHING NEW, right? That is the sign of mental health, btw! LOL! | |
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| Do men really like 'hard to get' women?
Posted: 3/2/2008 8:19:04 AM | janjt1959 - I did not for one minute want to imply that you personally are playing games - but in the OP you describe what I define as game playing, It would not be of benefit for anyone to apply game playing in the pursuit of a life partner! I am sure you are as you describe and I too fit that definition of a very strong - independant - outgoing woman and I am sure I have intimidated many men. However what made it easier for me to connect with men - is my ability to be completely honest and completely myself - with no pretense and no BS! I would never consider playing any sort of game - 'playing hard to get' - in order to draw someone into my life!
edit (below) That's it!! | |
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Nergal
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Joined: 4/29/2007
Msg: 28 | |
| Do men really like 'hard to get' women?
Posted: 3/2/2008 8:23:08 AM | | I'd say its game playing .. I dont mind if someone has a busy social or work life, kids and stuff take time, thats cool. I dont mind if someone has a lot of male friends, it normally means they understand the male mind a bit better and are unlikely to play games for that reason. But the kind of thing you describe, its like treat them mean keep them keen, its game playing. Just be yourself and be honest. | |
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| Do men really like 'hard to get' women?
Posted: 3/2/2008 8:34:29 AM | I see, I think I was responding to the people who think it must be a permanent thing more than I was you. My bad.
Of course you try something new, I'm not an very assertive guy outside the bedroom. So I generally need a woman who will chase me, at least a little bit.
On the other hand, many do subscribe to the idea that you must always be out of reach. I hate that. In the end, I don't think you should put it all on the line from the outset. But it can turn into a game really easily. I prefer to be relaxed and not take it too seriously.
The real question is: Where is the line between "hard to get" and playing mind games?
PS
Dated plenty of women with children close to my age. It gets really awkward sometimes.
Speaking to date's child, "Woo! Halo 3 is off the chain!" Turns to date. "So, are we going to see "As You Like It" on friday or saturday?" Ha! | |
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| Do men really like 'hard to get' women?
Posted: 3/2/2008 8:42:15 AM | So she takes the author's advice. Becomes what the author thinks a dating women should be. Then when she catches her fish, she reverts back to herself and the guy writes a post asking, "why do women act different once they've caught their fish."
"To thine own self be true and it follows as night the day, you can not then be false to another." | |
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| Do men really like 'hard to get' women?
Posted: 3/2/2008 9:09:40 AM | | I totally agree with th premiseof this book. In my experience this is the case. Men as a general rule will sleep with you from the get go but they cant get past that an women think theyve caught the man. I believe firmly that you fall in love before sex and then sex happens no the other way around x | |
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| Do men really like 'hard to get' women?
Posted: 3/2/2008 9:25:05 AM | | Some guys like the chase, and there's nothing wrong with doing the chivalric deed thing to prove your sincerity. I just think some people guys and girls alike, take it a bit too far, and sometimes, not far enough. | |
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| Do men really like 'hard to get' women?
Posted: 3/2/2008 9:29:09 AM |
I doubt I would want to date someone who was "playing the field."
No one wants a competitive situation but it always is. The better the catch, the more competitive it is too. I'm not picking on your desires. I'm just trying to point out the reality of the situation. I also would not hire a person for a job without interviewing many. So, when looking for a life's partner, doesn't it at all make sense to look around some and not just settle for the first willing candidate that you meet that seems okay.
I would not buy the first car that I took a test drive in. I would not agree to the car salesman's desire that I not drive any other cars but his either. I also would not buy a car without test driving it. Finding a soul mate is worth the time to look around without going exclusive so quickly.
just wish ppl were actually upfront and honest right off the bat, instead of tryin 2 play the game...
So, if a guy says honestly that he wants sex, there’s no problem with that because he is being totally honest? LOL yeah right.... people only want honesty as long as they hear what they want to hear. Besides, just how fast can you tell someone about yourself? People generally start with the good things and not a list of the worst things they have ever done. The only honesty issue here is that men and women honestly have different desires at times. | |
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| Do men really like 'hard to get' women?
Posted: 3/2/2008 9:49:19 AM | This is a great post! Thank you, OP. And some great input from posters!
I do believe that when you have common goals and you have gotten to know
each other well enough and you are both ready to share intimacy ... it will then
be time to rip each other's clothes off ... (in the fairytale world I live in).
However, I am really struggling with this ^ !!! 
Usually that is the time when I knew it wasn't "right"...Ahhhh, lust vs. love!
The "dating more than one" thing can be rough ... I prefer to date more than
one until feelings have developed ...
problem with this can be timing or relationship maturity ... the other
person may not have those feelings (ever, or yet) ... hopefully, they are
honest, but I have wasted time on people who were incapable of letting
themselves love or be loved ... Yeah, I know how to pick them! lol.
such a gamble ... so then, you go back to finding the one who gets your
attention and focus on dating them and hope they want to date only you!
It is not a game it is just a balancing act that is part of the dating life
until you find the one you want to be with. Right?!
Good Luck All! | |
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| Do men really like 'hard to get' women?
Posted: 3/2/2008 10:43:31 AM |
It is not a game it is just a balancing act that is part of the dating life
until you find the one you want to be with. Right?!
RIGHT!
Here's an example -- I dated a guy for a few weeks. Fun, smart, attractive guy. He's a pilot, and over the holidays was pressed into many weeks of work, so was rarely here. When he WAS here, of course, I was working, with the kids, on vacation, etc. The guy likes and trusts me enough to go in to his house while he's gone to do some interior decorating, which I was happy to do, and we do have a great time together.
We haven't seen each other in over a month, now -- he'll be back from China next week. He emails me once a week or so, very quick, kind of business-like emails (he's not a great emailer, I get that). I asked him if he wanted to go skiing with me as he loves to ski and has missed most of the season. Turns out, he was planning on going up anyway, and so agreed to meet me his last night up there (which is the first night I can get to Tahoe). Great!
A few days later, he tells me he doesn't think he can make it after all, but will let me know 'later' (whenever that may be, God knows). Fine. I invite a girlfriend to go with me because I figure that (ahem) I should not be waiting around for him to call or to be free.
So, is this playing hard to get? I don't think so. In this case, I have two choices: cut him loose entirely, or keep seeing other guys and living my life, which is really what the book instructs women to do -- but guess what. When told him that I had invited a friend (because you see, NOW he's free again!), he told me -- with a laugh -- that I was being hard to get!!
KILL ME NOW!
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| Do men really like 'hard to get' women?
Posted: 3/2/2008 10:51:06 AM | Well Janit, perhaps it is time to try something different, but I doubt very much that playing hard to get is the answer. Interesting spelling by the way. This seems to be such a common complaint on these forums, that men are only interested in sex with no strings attached. As soon as they get you in bed, they move on to their next “conquest”. The thing is, that is so totally foreign to my own experience and observation that it makes me wonder a lot.
My experiences tell me that men and women are really pretty similar, especially as they get older. their needs and desires tend to converge. Are most men just looking for sex? I'm sure that is true for a few. As for me, the last time I dated a girl just so I could get into her pants was when I was 16, a long time ago. (and I didn't even succeed) Pretty much everyone learns as they get older that sex is much, much better with someone you love who loves you in return. Isn't that why we call it making love as opposed to just casual screwing?
Does playing hard to get work? Well, not in my experience. All the long term relationships I've been in became sexual very quickly. You meet someone and there is a sort of recognition that occurs very quickly. This person is somehow familiar, a suitable mate. I can't really describe it well but contrary to popular belief, at least for me it fairly common. Perhaps it's recognizing traits in them you see in yourself. I was trying to explain this to one of my sons, who is unmarried. He just said, “well it's easy for you, you already have someone!” lol I suppose he has a point, but what I said still applies.
It's not about how quickly you have sex in a dating situation, it's about what it means to both of you. Some 20 years ago I met a woman in an organization we both belonged to. I had just broken up with a long term live in girlfriend. The last thing I was looking for was another serious relationship, but was certainly open to the idea of acquiring a “playmate”. I went up and talked to her, she was pretty and vivacious, interesting and I gathered unattached so I got her phone number and called her the next day. I took her out, we spent time together. I found we shared a lot of interests and more important we shared a lot of values. On our third date I invited her over to my home. I'd been to her place. I remember playing music for her, an interest we both shared. She was standing in the living room with her head****to one side listening. She looked so adorable, I just went over to her, took her face in my hands and kissed her. She wrapped her arms around my neck, pulled herself up against me and kissed me back. After a minute or two, she sort of whispered in my ear, “do you have feelings for me?” I wasn't really sure what she meant at the time, but I was definitely having feelings... so I just answered yes. At that point, she just took my hand in hers, lead me into the bedroom, took off her clothes and lay down on the bed. We have been lovers ever since.
Some years later, after we had been married for a while, I remembered the incident and asked her about it. That was after all, totally atypical behavior for her. She didn't sleep around and rarely even dated after her divorce, years before. She just said, “ well, I thought I was falling in love with you and starting to think of you as potential mate. And, sex is really too important in marriage to be left to chance.”
As for me, after my “big conquest”, the last thing on my mind was moving on to someone else. It wasn't that sex with her was so wonderful, and special at first. In fact, as is common, it was a bit awkward. But we both knew it would quickly get better which of course it did.
Was she taking a risk? Sure, we both were I suppose. There are few real certainties in life. But the risk was not that I would move on to the next woman because she was too “easy”. The real risk is in getting too deeply attached too soon and then getting badly hurt if and when it doesn't work out. With the right partner, sex becomes an ongoing expression of love and commitment and connection. It's far more than just the physical pleasure. It's connecting on and emotional and spiritual level as well, and I think you can tell rather quickly.
Anyway, good luck in your search..... | |
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| Do men really like 'hard to get' women?
Posted: 3/2/2008 11:38:39 AM |
The premise of the book is this: men do NOT want to be chased by needy, possessive, clingy women. They want to be the pursuers, they want to 'win' a woman.
WRONG!!!!...men do not want to be pursuers they only have to be pursuers. Almost all men would like to be pursued if it's by someone we're attracted to. I don't want to "win" a woman...I'm not playing games...I didn't enter any contest or competition.
I don't like being ignored which is the game you want to play.
The theory being, if you sleep with him too soon, he will never be committed to you emotionally.
If you don't sleep with him then he definitely won't commit to you. It all has nothing to do with how soon you sleep with a guy or not anyway. A guy knows right away whether you are an A or a B or a C. Let me explain...an A is a woman a guy quickly knows that she is with whom he wants to have a relationship. An example would be a guy saying that he knew he wanted to marry her the first time he saw her. A B woman is one who he might want sex with also but is not that into her, i.e. he's not that attracted to her, to want to see her long term. i.e. she is just decent enough looking to do it with her once or twice if he's feeling the urge. A C woman is "let's just be friends", need I say more?
Of course there are other factors too. A young guy may not want to get serious with anyone yet so age is a factor.
The difference is that women don't have a category B with us. They either see us as an A. relationship or C. just friends. I know women will not want to hear all of this. I'm just trying to explain the way of things in the real world.
I read posts from several women who complain about all guys wanting just sex. Well that's because they're a B to most guys or as a popular book states refering to them as "He Not That Into You". We all have slightly differing views of what's attractive to us though. Just keep trying because some guy will see them as an A. | |
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| Do men really like 'hard to get' women?
Posted: 3/2/2008 12:44:13 PM | i've *always* believed this. you know, the more the guys work for it, the more they'd wanna keep it. but then it didn't make sense to me when my bestfriend's bf cheated on her. she's the hardest girl to have! the guy went through A LOT and for a long time...just to be the "bf". after a year (granted it was a ldr cuz he went to school to another country), he just cheated on her. i didn't understand that.
as for my bf, we "met" online at some forum. we exchanged notes (random stupid talks...he thought i was a feminist and he'd get a kick out of trying to piss me off). we chatted like once a wk...on the 3rd wk, we just randomly decided to meet. on the 2nd day we met, we made out. he kept visiting me at work at that time afterwards (i worked at a retail) so at night, we'd chill. on the 5th time we met, he asked me to be his girl. he totally didn't "work for it".
eventually, after 6 months we broke up ...cuz i planned on going to korea...so when troubles came, he didn't feel the need to hold on as much. anyways...we got back together...yara yara yara...now he's saying that he doesn't wanna lose me again the way he did (when we broke up). we're together now for 2 yrs next month. i say we moved in "too fast" early in the game...but love could spring out of it. i mean, i didn't think we'd last...then again...that's my context. to others...2 yrs is probably nothing...lol! | |
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| Do men really like 'hard to get' women?
Posted: 3/2/2008 1:32:12 PM | People chase, people play, why live life and have fun. Honesty is my policy, no bullshit in between just go for what ever comes your way. Games are for my grandchildren. | |
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| Do men really like 'hard to get' women?
Posted: 3/2/2008 2:34:43 PM |
I doubt I would want to date someone who was "playing the field."
I concur, somewhat.
A person that "plays the field", by dating multiple persons simultaneously, is either...
1) in a big hurry to find that special person
2) more interested in the variety
3) broke and meal dating
None of these traits fits my plan.
However, I prefer to think of "playing the field" as continuing to date new ladies, one at a time, until the right one finds me. | |
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| Do men really like 'hard to get' women?
Posted: 3/2/2008 2:37:54 PM |
The phrase is "PLAYING hard to get." This makes a PLAYA.
Fleetwood Mac said it best:
Thunder only happens when it's rainin'
Players only love you when they're playin' | |
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| Do men really like 'hard to get' women?
Posted: 3/2/2008 3:07:55 PM | | Have not been man hunting in a long time.I think I am out of practice .When I like a guy , I don't play games, just go in for the kill. Not aggressively but with subtlety.Us ladies choose our men and generally go out to get them.Sex for me, is for when you know them well and have feelings for them.If I am not meeting you or phoning you, I am not in to you.When I am, I am honest about it. I hate games and drama , they are boring and unnecessary.Honesty, subtlety and a little female flirting is all thats needed. | |
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| Do men really like 'hard to get' women?
Posted: 3/2/2008 3:42:06 PM |
So, if a guy says honestly that he wants sex, there’s no problem with that because he is being totally honest? LOL yeah right....
actually yea, warmthnpassion, and this goes for both men and women alike...y present false intentions and give misguided expectations?? y not just b upfront?? then each party involved can make their own informed decision regarding the relationship, and each person has the right 2 choose what they want (FWB, long-term, casual, etc) and b able 2 base that decision on reality and truth, not lies and false hopes...
The only honesty issue here is that men and women honestly have different desires at times.
...and i do agree that men and women have different desires at different times...both sexes have periods in their life where they may opt 4 casual v.s. exclusive dating or vice versa, but again y cant ppl just b upfront about what they r looking 4...is there really a problem with knowing and being honest with urself about who only satisfies ur lust side and who really satisfies all dimensions?? | |
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| Do men really like 'hard to get' women?
Posted: 3/2/2008 4:41:10 PM | Having posted something reasonably serious here this morning and spending the day building snowmen and igloo's, cooking dinner, drinking a couple harpoon's and re-reading the title of the thread out of context, I couldnt help but say for that for most of us guys, from an interpretive perspective (i.e.- what is she talking about?), women do seem 'hard to get.'
Sorry. | |
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| Do men really like 'hard to get' women?
Posted: 3/2/2008 4:47:01 PM | | No...but allow me to qualify that. I will actually tell you the truth. Most men are absolutely full of bs when they say yes because they think thats what you want to hear. Im 54 and the only differance between now and 20 yrs ago is now I need someone who can carry on a conversation and let me watch South Park. I guess Im more important to me than I used to be. The sex and togetherness go hand in hand and Im not playing the games I used to. That doesnt mean I have to have the sex as soon as I see you, even tho I may really be attracted to you I would wait a reasonable time. Just quit acting like we are still 16 cause were not and life is too damn short for the silly games some women even at 50 want to play....I dont stay where I dont feel wanted. | |
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| Do men really like 'hard to get' women?
Posted: 3/2/2008 9:21:21 PM | Isn't it about compatibility too? How you and the person mesh together?
Also, if someone is serious about looking for a mate...why jump into sex too soon? It seems like that is a killer of the relationship...so many end up having sex too soon and then wonder why the relationship went south. Hello! If it ain't workin'...change it! | |
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