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 english lass
Joined: 11/14/2007
Msg: 126
outrageous expectations from online datersPage 6 of 10    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10)
the sexiest thing is when we "get" eachother, to me... an understanding, an enjoyment and acceptance of each other for who we are, shared outlooks, shared humour - laughing together is a great aphrodisiac...an original physical attraction may make it easier to discover if we have that, just because we're together.. but it's not enough to make it work or exclude it from working, ( if the initial looks aren't overtly appealing,) imo
 The Ace in the Hole
Joined: 12/27/2007
Msg: 127
outrageous expectations from online daters
Posted: 3/19/2008 6:44:49 AM
Mushortgurl03,

<div class="quote">The funny thing is...I've never been one to be all about looks. I'm more of a personality person. Can you make me laugh? Can we have a conversation about politics without completely hating each other? Can you keep me in an intellectual conversation? Are we sexaully compatable? That's my expectations...This is EXACTLY it. I think I have high standards or strict criteria or whatever you want to call it for dating. I expect a lot. I have a lot to give I'm told, and I am aware of the package I present, and so I feel justified. But even if I didn't have much to offer I can at least offer the things I expect in return. I'm intelligent and intellectual. I can carry a conversation about anything. I can argue points till the break of dawn and not get mad at the person for their opinions, views, or beliefs. I have a wild sense of humour and have never had a problem making people laugh. And in terms of sexual prowess from what I see in the reactions of the women I've been with and the comments I've received I don't think I'm off base for wanting something similar out of life. Your expectations are the same as nearly everyone else's on here, mine included. I am not overly picky in terms of looks. I don't need her to be a size 2 or less. I like a size 2 or less and prefer it but if she's an 8 or a 12 and I find her attractive I'm not going to cringe when she takes her clothes off! I think women of most shapes and sizes are beautiful. I say most because I generally don't prefer heavier women but we are all entitled to our preferences.

So to those people who come into this thread and say "you are all too picky and need to relax your standards, and you are causing your own relational failures with your superficial attitudes"....why? What's wrong with wanting someone to be able to engage you in a conversation and make you laugh and who has a sense of humour and can laugh at you. Someone who you can have fun with and enjoy being with and wants to do the same things you want to do? If you are an adventurous person who likes to try new things and eat ethnic foods and loves to laugh and dance are you really going to be happy with a dull person who doesn't laugh or smile much, hates the museum or theater, won't rock climb or hike or go on rides at the Ex, and will only eat dinner at a designated group of restaurants and will NEVER try that awesome Paella you just ordered, and sushi is DEFINITELY out?! If that's you, why would you settle for something less? You'll eventually resent your decision if you do.

I think I'm really picky but I deserve to be. We all do. If I suddenly become unhappy because I'm searching and not finding someone I'll relax my standards then. But I think we all deserve nothing short of what we want. I dont' need perfect breasts or blonde hair and blue eyes. I don't care if she's short, tall, thin, athletic, average build, brown/black/blue/blonde haired, likes to wear jeans and a tshirt or dress business casual all the time. Those things make no difference to me. I know what I like and don't like but most of it I would accept and love. It's the personal characteristics that hit home. The way she is with children and her motherly instincts, her compassion, honestly, straightforwardness, her libido and willingness to experiment, her adventurous side, is she spontaneous or open to the idea of me being so, is she fun to be around, does she have personality, etc! Not too much to ask I don't think.

Now I agree that the many physical rules people set are ludicrous, as the previous poster stated. Those that say they won't date a man who makes less than 40K per year, or who is less than 6'2, or who doesn't have a beach body, etc. If a person is really into physical fitness it's not crazy for them to want someone who also takes pride in their health. It's not necessarily a point of physical attraction, as lots of thin, athletic women like men who are a little cushy...I'm living proof! =) LOL (I'm only slightly kidding here......) It has more to do usually with the fact that they live a high impact life and like to do physical activities and a couch potato or someone overweight will not be able to join them adequately or perhaps enjoy themselves in those activities. It's a point of compatibility and not attraction.
 duckling
Joined: 2/28/2006
Msg: 128
outrageous expectations from online daters
Posted: 3/19/2008 7:51:53 AM
I don't think that having a lengthy list of qualities that are required or that being extremely discerning in who we choose to spend our life with is even remotely negative. When we're young (or at least when I was) we spent as much time having sex as we did talking. In my later years, I suspect I'll spend a lot more time talking to my partner (and eating, and napping and playing canasta and taking geritol) than I will having sex. At that point, the personality will be way more important than the face or body.
 The Ace in the Hole
Joined: 12/27/2007
Msg: 129
outrageous expectations from online daters
Posted: 3/19/2008 8:04:45 AM
Duckling,
I love how you reframed this idea. We are ultimately looking for someone to spend the rest of our lives with. Shouldn't we want to do that with someone we absolutely adore?! With someone we can be comfortable with in any situation, and over any length of time? I don't want to be with someone who I get annoyed with after an hour of hanging out. I don't want to be with someone who I can't stand to watch eat or sleep next too because they fart excessively in their sleep or they drool a lot. That's a little fickle I know but it was a quick reference that came to mind! I want someone I would have no problem spending an entire week camping or at the lake with. I want someone I could go on a two-week vacation someplace where it was just the two of us the whole time and we'd never be apart and not want to scratch their eyes out or want to push them overboard at some point! LOL Obviously you are bound to have your disagreements and spats but in all she should be someone I absolutely adore. And why would I want to settle for less?
 okeedokee444
Joined: 7/21/2007
Msg: 130
outrageous expectations from online daters
Posted: 3/19/2008 8:11:11 AM
Gentleman....and ladies....here's a perfect article and interview that was on the "Today Show" lately.

"Why it’s OK to settle for Mr. Good Enough"

Author Lori Gottlieb on the fading line between compromising and settling----,( just google it)

Quite lengthy...I get a kick out of the interview with the 4 future "cat ladies" who, when asked by the reporter, "We're there any guys that you dated that were great guys, however, you didn't wind up marrying them" And they all said Yes.

And then the reporter asked if they regretted it, and they said, "Nope!!" Wierd huh?

Here's an excerpt, that caught my attention:
------------------------
Whether you acknowledge it or not, there’s good reason to worry. By the time 35th-birthday-brunch celebrations roll around for still-single women, serious, irreversible life issues masquerading as “jokes” creep into public conversation: Well, I don’t feel old, but my eggs sure do! or Maybe this year I’ll marry Todd. I’m not getting any younger! The birthday girl smiles a bit too widely as she delivers these lines, and everyone laughs a little too hard for a little too long, not because we find these sentiments funny, but because we’re awkwardly acknowledging how unfunny they are. At their core, they pose one of the most complicated, painful, and pervasive dilemmas many single women are forced to grapple with nowadays: Is it better to be alone, or to settle?
----------------------------------

"Maybe this year...I'll marry 'Todd'" She says.

Whoever "Todd" is....I guess one of the guys she Friendzoned, right?



Well, I guess if she's "settles", Todd will be her first choice. Lucky TODD, right?
 northeast25
Joined: 12/4/2007
Msg: 131
outrageous expectations from online daters
Posted: 3/19/2008 8:16:34 AM
I don't think that having a lengthy list of qualities that are required or that being extremely discerning in who we choose to spend our life with is even remotely negative.


It depends on the type of qualities that are being required. If these qualities are largely about personality and compatibilty, then it might not be negative. However if you have a large list of physical requirements, then it can be a turn off. It also depends on how flexible a person is. For example a man meets most of a woman's requirements, but she rejected him because he is 5' 11" instead of 6 ft. She is entitled to do that, but IMO she is being too picky. 1 inch isn't that noticeable. Chances are if a person is very picky about physical attributes, then they are picky about other things and are hard to please. They often have to complain or find something wrong with almost anything.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 132
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History
outrageous expectations from online daters
Posted: 3/19/2008 8:26:53 AM

Quite lengthy...I get a kick out of the interview with the 4 future "cat ladies" who, when asked by the reporter, "We're there any guys that you dated that were great guys, however, you didn't wind up marrying them" And they all said Yes.

And then the reporter asked if they regretted it, and they said, "Nope!!" Wierd huh?

No, it's not weird. There's no law that says women HAVE to pair up with anyone by a certain time in their lives, or at all for that matter.

I never understood why women who don't want to settle, and also don't care if they stay single are even a topic of conversation. I still say it freaks men out that some women who have options may not choose any, because men have fewer options (so they say).

The only time it makes no sense for a woman to give no man a chance is when a woman turns down men and desperately wants to find someone and settle down (be it for children, marriage, a certain age marker she's trying to hit or whatever).
 Gwendolyn2010
Joined: 1/22/2006
Msg: 133
outrageous expectations from online daters
Posted: 3/19/2008 8:38:25 AM
It is hypocritical when a man messages me (or any woman) because he likes the pictures on my profile--yet he has none. Turnabout is fair play; if he looks at my profile because the picture caught his eye, shouldn't I be given the same privilege? When he compliments me on my looks, that is fine, but when I ask for a picture, I am no less "shallow" than he is.

As far as people who can't upload a picture--get some computer savvy! Oh, and the sideways pictures, go to photoshop or some other editing device and turn them right side up.

I had to learn; you need to learn.
 EagleEric
Joined: 11/2/2006
Msg: 134
outrageous expectations from online daters
Posted: 3/19/2008 8:38:48 AM
Oh goodie! I've been waiting for something like this to come along for a long time. My response:

"I don't have a pic up because I don't think external looks are that important. I feel that the only true, real, and accurate way to judge a person is not based upon their physical appearance but rather what is inside. What I'm saying is their emotional component. How they feel about themselves and the world. How they treat others in their lives.

I'm a kind generous man who always pats little children on the head, gives money to beggars, volunteers to work in the leper colony and at the hospital, is kind to his parents, and goes to church every Sunday to sing in the choir. In short, I'm a kind, sweet, generous, and totally lovable guy. You should really meet me, because once you get to know me, you'll love me!"

Ain't I wonderful? And just what is your problem? You want pictures and other stuff in my profile like something written telling you who I am? How crass of you. My true wonderfulness can only be revealed by a nose-to-nose meeting. And BTW, what's wrong with you. Do you know it's bad form to use contractions or shorthand for common words like are, you, and with? For shame!

The Eagle
 valinteno
Joined: 1/13/2007
Msg: 135
outrageous expectations from online daters
Posted: 3/19/2008 8:48:39 AM
well im the same way i would not meet any one with out a photo also for most of the girls i talked to here i let go for a month to a year or 2 also i was just being a good guy that i am and im still on here looking for some one. to be honest i think a month or 2 of talking to the person is good then you can meet up if things dont go as good on the computer then you will no the out come of it. also there is to many guys and girls here that are making it hard for all of us to meet people we all ready this bull shit forms that other people post and its scars some of the good people away. i think your all sad people who cant handle truth what we are all here for some people are here to just chat and email whats the point the point of that
plentyoffish was mad to meet people not take 5 years to meet up with them all so i say to you suck it up stop crying like little babys here take the chance to meet some people with out holding your self back all the time take risk. for most of the girls i dont blame you there are sick guys on here that do there best to mess it up for the good ones that are looking for some one to share good laughs with and more so to all you sick ass guys out there grow the hell up face the true honesty of woman kind they are telling you from there hart you are a sick **** and you need some kind of help also let the good guys take over so we can talk to them and they can get to know us as well also meet up with us to and just share some good laughs and at the end of the night with a hug good night
 kgoblue
Joined: 2/25/2008
Msg: 136
outrageous expectations from online daters
Posted: 3/19/2008 9:00:54 AM
I know what you mean. I have had a few men email me and they had no picture. I put my pic on my profile so it is only fair that I get to see who I am talking to. I always ask them for a picture and most of the time they send me one. I did have this one man who emailed me and when I asked him for a picture he emailed me back and told me I was shallow. lol Then he started trying to pick a fight. He had a serious problem. I am not gonna waste my time arguing with someone who I don't even know. I am too mature for that so I just blocked him.
 Chocolatebrowne
Joined: 1/19/2006
Msg: 137
outrageous expectations from online daters
Posted: 3/19/2008 10:51:48 AM
Northeast 25, you are so right on target! I have a photo posted, yet get contacted by men pissed off because they want to date a black woman who looks like Halle Berry -- and I don't! WTF??????!!!!! She's biracial, I'm not.......so contact the black women who resemble her....don't give ME hell!!!!!
 wild heart
Joined: 10/14/2007
Msg: 138
outrageous expectations from online daters
Posted: 3/19/2008 11:15:04 AM
Medena: ALL the time!!

Mostly men who are not in the age range I am interested in, as Tiger mentionned not somewhat fit or cannot speak english.

Why should I date someone I am not attracted to? Mentally AND physically.
 GrandmaBooBoo
Joined: 12/30/2006
Msg: 139
view profile
History
outrageous expectations from online daters
Posted: 3/19/2008 11:26:31 AM
Yes, continually....I file them all under "H" for Helpless and Hopeless.
 CatchinNJ
Joined: 11/23/2007
Msg: 140
outrageous expectations from online daters
Posted: 3/19/2008 11:33:14 AM
mushortgurl03...I'm looking for roughly the same thing, but I have to have someone fit and that will hit the gym with me. That doesn't mean a perfect build, just in shape and wants to stay that way. It's more of the lifestyle then the look really. I like that you mentioned the sexually compatable part. I find that 'desire' very important in a relationship. So many shy away from saying things like that.

As for those that said asking for a certain height, not bald, or a type of build...to me that's ok. No matter how awesome of a guy I might be, why would a woman the finds baldness unattractive date me? She shouldn't. (I'm bald by choice anyway...haha) Same for income, or having kids...anything that you would find unattractive or a requirement is fine. To each his/her own. But you might be painting yourself into a corner asking for too much. Why everyone gets so worked up over what someone else wants is beyond me. My beef is when they are vague and you look great on paper, but then get ignored. Don't waste my time and just say what you want. And I hate the stupid 'it's their loss' crap too. Not to them your not a loss.
 Katietxgirl
Joined: 11/19/2007
Msg: 141
outrageous expectations from online daters
Posted: 3/19/2008 11:59:15 AM
Deuce98 referred to a size 8 as if it was large. Wow, when did that become large? I thought it was a good size - not too thin, not too large either. Of course, not that I think men really even know what a person looks like at each size. But is that really a large size?
 Katietxgirl
Joined: 11/19/2007
Msg: 142
outrageous expectations from online daters
Posted: 3/19/2008 12:02:01 PM
Seriously, I don't think any woman that's 35 and has never been married, had kids, etc needs to worry. Now, if she wants children, maybe she is in a time crunch. I know a lot of women who are 35 (or older) and have no children. They really don't want children that badly. And really, none of them are worried about not being married. Come on, we live in a different world. Tell me people aren't still thinking this way??? I know many beautiful women in their 40s and 50s!
 nike46
Joined: 9/4/2006
Msg: 143
outrageous expectations from online daters
Posted: 3/19/2008 12:16:16 PM
I truly don't have high expectations for Pof, I think it is one of those take it for what its worth.
 The Ace in the Hole
Joined: 12/27/2007
Msg: 144
outrageous expectations from online daters
Posted: 3/19/2008 12:30:35 PM
Katie,
I NEVER said an 8 or 12 was a large size. I may have implied average in size. I prefer thin or athletic women but I don't find average unattractive at all. A little extra meat on the bones is attractive. But if I had to pick between the two I'd take the former. I'm entitled to that preference, and it doesn't matter that I'm not in perfect shape or thin. We are all entitled to our preferences. But at the same time I've been with some women who were size 2's and 4's and unattractive naked, and then I've been with some 12's and 14's and was stunned at how well they looked with their clothes on AND off. Hell, I remember this one girl who I'm sure was a zero and she creeped me out. Felt like I was with a little boy. There's thin and then there's decrepit. Eat something! LOL Some people are a little on the larger side but are blessed with little cellulite and good weight distribution.

I doubt many men can tell the difference between sizes honestly. I am pretty good with sizes I think.
 Gwendolyn2010
Joined: 1/22/2006
Msg: 145
outrageous expectations from online daters
Posted: 3/19/2008 1:07:10 PM

But if I had to pick between the two I'd take the former. I'm entitled to that preference, and it doesn't matter that I'm not in perfect shape or thin.


I like a certain type of physicality in males, as well, BUT if I had to choose between a man who is a bit overweight (not fat, not obese) who is erudite and intelligent and a man who is well muscled but stupid--I would most likely pick the former over the latter.

I had a date (if one can call it that) with a man last Saturday night who listed himself as "athletic." I must not understand what "athletic" entails because when we met, his stomach lopped over his pants by about six inches. I am sure he had on size 34 jeans, but when the jeans barely cover the gonads, they can be a smaller size. When he finally said that he "guessed" he had a few extra pounds, I put both my hands on his pregnant belly and said, "Yes, you do." He looked crestfallen.

Should I have lied or remained silent? I am upfront about MY few extra pounds (over which he expressed slight worry before we met, despite my pictures). When he met me, he was relieved (I met HIS expectations) and I was grossly disappointed.

I also quickly found out that his main goal for the date was for him to "be all over me." Some men think that if THEY find a woman attractive, the feeling MUST be reciprocated.

It's all about expectations, but one shouldn't assume that his/hers are the same as the person s/he is meeting.
 northeast25
Joined: 12/4/2007
Msg: 146
outrageous expectations from online daters
Posted: 3/19/2008 1:12:52 PM
I NEVER said an 8 or 12 was a large size. I may have implied average in size.


You can't determine a woman's body type just based on her clothing size. It often depends on her height and how she carries her weight. If a very short woman is a size 12, then most likely she is overweight. If a very tall woman wears a size 12, then most likely she has an average or athletic body type.
 Gotapulse
Joined: 3/21/2005
Msg: 147
outrageous expectations from online daters
Posted: 3/19/2008 1:25:34 PM
It's the lists that make me laugh.

I mean, in real life, people date each other and most of the time they contravene half the items on these supposed lists anyway. It's not impossible to meet Mr./Mrs. Right by being very detailed about what you might want but get real. Everybody wants pretty much the same thing both here and in 'real life'. What are the odds that your list might be the same as somebody else's ? Lol...well, Prince Charming and Cinderella are probably dating each other by now so it's probably smarter to give up on snagging either one.

I took off all my restrictions when I realized that half the time they didn't really express what I was trying to communicate anyway. I used to say for example that drug-users shouldn't contact me. Well, that's true , but if somebody enjoys a joint every now and again, that's no worse than a beer or two I figure. That's not really what I meant by 'must not use drugs'. Just seemed like I was ruling out more people than I should have been.
 wild heart
Joined: 10/14/2007
Msg: 148
outrageous expectations from online daters
Posted: 3/19/2008 2:19:22 PM
I'm with northeast on this one....the size thing is out of control!!

Years ago I was a size 5 which was fine with me. Suddenly 10 years later I'm a zero?!?!

Each store has their own special way of sizing. No wonder young girls are screwed up about these things!

Most of us women hate the whole size issue - it's completely out of whack and you can't trust it at ALL.
 bsg789
Joined: 12/4/2007
Msg: 149
outrageous expectations from online daters
Posted: 3/19/2008 2:44:58 PM
You can't determine a woman's body type just based on her clothing size. It often depends on her height and how she carries her weight. If a very short woman is a size 12, then most likely she is overweight. If a very tall woman wears a size 12, then most likely she has an average or athletic body type.


I agree. I'm 5' 10". I often wear a size 8 or 10 ( depending on the size charts for a store ) and I'm thin. Even if I gained some weight and became a size 12, I still wouldn't be overweight. I probably would be closer to an average body type. Even 2 people who have the same height /weight could have different body types. One person could be athletic, fit, or muscular and the other person could be chubby or fat.
 The Ace in the Hole
Joined: 12/27/2007
Msg: 150
outrageous expectations from online daters
Posted: 3/19/2008 2:54:19 PM
Being tall though, like cg789 at 5'10", does not truly represent your size. When I think of size I think width and girth. I mean a zero is petite, whether she's 5' or 6'. At 5'10" you likely have long legs, or a long torso but probably the former, so you wear an 8 or 10 to get the length in your arms and legs correct? The girl I'm seeing is 5'11" and very slim. She constantly complains about shopping for clothes because even the biggest sizes are too short. She has to buy pants that have inseam measurements and not just a general size for the pant, as she has 38" legs but a small waist. Size is very deceptive but if I say to myself a girl is a size 8 I don't mean a girl 5'9 and thinner. I mean average. Someone with curves and a few extra pounds (and by few extra pounds I don't mean 50 or 80 either like many on here delude themselves into believing). If she's tall and slim but wears a size 10 for length I don't consider her a 10. I'd still consider her a 2 or whatever she is.
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