| Is Great Sex THAT important?
Posted: 3/5/2008 9:21:00 AM | | YES! Sexual compatibility is as important as liking their personality. If it wasn't important, men and women wouldn't be attracted to one another. | |
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| Is Great Sex THAT important?
Posted: 3/5/2008 9:45:19 AM | OH YES, it is that important. Move on now before it gets even harder to do so. I've been there - married to a man who didn't do it for me - and no matter how great he is otherwise, you will find yourself lonely, yearning and resentful. Sex is an important part of intimacy, and without it, things won't be "right".
Don't be discouraged. You deserve the total package, and you can find it! Good luck! | |
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| Is Great Sex THAT important?
Posted: 3/5/2008 9:51:12 AM | quill ... if you're asking this question in a public forum, then you know the answer already.
Yes, it's time to move on. The fact that you still think about the sex you had with your ex-husband says you haven't found the right replacement (for lack of a more graceful word) yet. Clearly, great sex is important to you... and I don't disagree with you. | |
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| Is Great Sex THAT important?
Posted: 3/5/2008 2:19:49 PM | | I think it really is that important. This is especially true when there is a mismatch in desire and willingness to explore. If you both had disinterest, then you'd match, and great sex wouldn't matter - but given the mismatch, I think he either needs to open up, or you should seriously consider giving up. | |
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| Is Great Sex THAT important?
Posted: 3/5/2008 2:34:19 PM | | He is a great guy but he does not do it for you, between the sheets. Thats a friend my dear. It denotes a lack of passion on his side that is probably part of his personality.Do you want an animal in the bedroom or a Teddy bear? Do his other qualities make up for the lack of excitement?.Is this ok for you?.Only you can answer these questions. Communicate with him and be honest. As he gets to know you better and becomes more confident , he might surprise you. It could be, he is nervous, embarrassed about his inexperience and just might need time and a bit of coaxing.He could yet turn into a devil in the sack, who knows.Bring out his devilish side by connecting with his brain, his inner world with scenarios and seduction. Good luck. | |
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| Is Great Sex THAT important?
Posted: 3/5/2008 2:39:43 PM | Only you can answer that question.
I'd talk to the guy. If he's willing to try, great. If he's not sure where to start.... well, there are plenty of books on the subject. | |
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| Is Great Sex THAT important?
Posted: 3/5/2008 2:42:21 PM | I think by asking this question you know your answer.
At one point I tried to convince myself it wouldn't matter. the guy seemed "great" except in that area. In the end I really resented him and he had NO IDEA why. | |
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| Is Great Sex THAT important?
Posted: 3/5/2008 2:51:16 PM | From the Opost
"So, is sex that important to a relationship and should I just move on and find a more exciting partner."
Yes, it is and yes the OP, IMO, should. Platonic or sexually boring rels can be turned into friendships (w/o benefits).
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| Is Great Sex THAT important?
Posted: 3/5/2008 2:51:19 PM |
I think by asking this question you know your answer.
At one point I tried to convince myself it wouldn't matter. the guy seemed "great" except in that area. In the end I really resented him and he had NO IDEA why.
This is exactly what I am afraid of ....the resentment.
People that have advised me to "talk" to him, I have. You can't force a person to be into things they are not. He is perfectly content with our sex life and feels it is the best he has ever had. I, on the other hand, miss when a lover would explore and worship every part of a women's body.
If I ask him to do oral, he will. But that isn't the same as knowing someone LOVES it and would do it for hours if I let him. If I asked him to use a toy or finger in the back door, he will but won't be into it. It isn't exciting unless he finds it so and that is stuff you simply can't teach. | |
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| Is Great Sex THAT important?
Posted: 3/5/2008 3:04:51 PM |
I've tried to lead the new one into doing some more adventureous stuff but he just isn't into it. he seems uncomfortable when he even tries.
First of all, sex is very important. But second, realize that sex is a two way street in which both of you grow and make it better. I look at the woman I am going out with right now, and sex was very damn good in the beginning, but I compare it with now and I say, wow, we grew so much and has gotten even better. So what do you do. Not to sound like a cliche but what you need to do is talk. But don't talk before sex. That will leave both of you inhibited. In fact, you should have phone sex. Yes, talk to him in the phone and tell him what you like he did to you. Make it sound like a fun fantasy, but also tell him that you're not kidding, that YES, you would love to be rolled on your back, without asking and taken from behind while doing or saying this that or the other that you like. Then ask him, what do you like? And go from there. Okay, when you get together, do not expect all this things to happen. They will not. Start the normal routine, but notice if he starts to incorporate some of the things you both talked about. Some men freak when they don't feel in control, others don't care and want you to be spontaneous and let it rip. Read the situation and for every suggested thing that he starts doing, up the ante, one at the time. Now, don't rush. Take your time. Hell, if the first step works, look at what you have to look forward to, each sexual encounter bringing something new. | |
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| Is Great Sex THAT important?
Posted: 3/5/2008 5:13:19 PM | How long have you dated this person?
The person I dated wasn't especially long - 4 months.
Like yourself I had hinted about the sex life. I tried to guide. I was confident I could "train" him. After four months I realized it probably wasn't going to change. he was my age (37 at that time). Its not like he's 17 and just learning. My thought was if I felt this way at 4 months imagine how I'd feel at 4 years? Or 14 years?
I never told him what my issue was, because I didn't want him being self conscious for someone else. Someone else might probably be ok with his methods.
I ended up telling him we were out of sync (on a whole, I did not say sexually) and that I was not feeling we had long term potential. | |
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| Is Great Sex THAT important?
Posted: 3/5/2008 7:48:13 PM | UM, why is your ex your ex again?? If my ex rocked my world like yours did, he wouldn't be my ex.
Seriously, You need to have a sit down with your guy. Talk about what you would like before you try to lead him into it. Ask him what he likes as well. Maybe a porn or two might help if you are uncomfy about talking. Show him, heck, make a night of it.
I've said it before and i'll say it again. No matter how much you love the guy, gotta have the sex. Great sex brings you closer together. And if he was everything you wanted, he would get you off like you really want. | |
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| Is Great Sex THAT important?
Posted: 3/6/2008 4:57:51 AM | Hmmmyes.I can overlook a few other things if the sex is great!
But then again good sex alone doesn`t make a good relationship but it certainly helps. | |
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| Is Great Sex THAT important?
Posted: 3/6/2008 5:12:43 AM | Along with everything else it is, sex is a form of communication. Good sex leads to deep and satisfying emotional intimacy. Bad sex leaves you frustrated and crying.
How many years do you wanna cry? | |
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| Is Great Sex THAT important?
Posted: 3/6/2008 8:24:28 AM | | one word YES. If i met a woman who was "everthing I wanted" and the sex was boring. she wouldn't be what I wanted. Life is too short for bad sex. I need somebody on the same page as I am sexually. | |
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| Is Great Sex THAT important?
Posted: 3/6/2008 3:21:43 PM | I think it's a "how high is the sky" question. To many sex is VERY important to others it's not. I do know that there are in fact women, more then simply a few that are secure monetarily and even emotionally within a marriage or relationship that due to less then satisfying sex seek an outside lover.
Some spouses/significant others are great providers, nurturers, mothers, fathers, etc., however to be outstanding in the top 95 percentile in all areas of a relationship is difficult if not impossible. | |
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| Is Great Sex THAT important?
Posted: 3/6/2008 8:11:20 PM | To answer the main topic, UM DUH. lol
At some point in life, people crave sexual desire / to be sexually desirable. Great sex just ups the ante.
Mediocre sex isn't bad, and it shouldn't be ruled out, because you can still be creative with it to a point. You don't have to get out the whips and chains, you can be slow with it and well, enjoy the damn ride :P (This isn't to say great sex requires whips and chains.. you know what i mean.)
Horrible sex just means one (or both people) in the relationship didn't have decent training on how to treat the opposite in the sack, AND THAT'S WHEN YOU LEARN TO HAVE GREAT SEX.  | |
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| Is Great Sex THAT important?
Posted: 3/6/2008 8:33:04 PM | From post 42:
"....Horrible sex just means one (or both people) in the relationship didn't have decent training on how to treat the opposite in the sack,..."
I sort of agree with that, but I will take it further. I think that is can be a result of one or both people "holding back", "going through motions", not "opening up" and/or not using their imagination and creativity during love making. IMO tooo many people even in serious rel still, in a way "casual sex" or "static" sex.
Some women claim that they need an emotional bond with a man in order to open up. Some men claim they nothing something else. IMO neither is "the beef'. The "beef" is that when two people "make love" (or have sex) they should be willing and ready to "give themselves" to this (whether it is the first or 100th date, whether rhey are in love or simply feel animal attraction for each other, etc) else they might as well wait til they are ready to do it.
Else they are approaching sex the same "static" or "passionless" or "robotic" way they approach lifting weights or jogging or reading the newspaper in the subway or doing chores (going through pre-determined, repetitive motions). In those cases, a BOB or the hand might be as good or a superior "sex act" partner!!! Sex between two people is after all an ultimate celebration of passion for life by those participants-mortals and a joint spit in the face of the Grand Reaper! Yes, some cultures have more passion for life (and thus sex) but it is also a matter of learning to be oneself and "letting go" rather than "performing" during making love or sex. IMO/IME of course. | |
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| Be your own sex therapist
Posted: 3/6/2008 8:37:35 PM | i say be his sex therapist.
tell him he is not allowed to do anything more or less than you tell him. lead the way and guide him. don't be too aggresive it might scare him. just sexy and seductive in your own way
choose a location preferably not the usual, wear something you know he likes and start kissing slowly, the teasing kind. all the good stuff without any penetration. then whisper what you want him to do- one task at a time. if he is using his mouth then guide his hand to another area that you like. Leave him no choice but to be involved- FULLY but do not let him IN yet. then maybe you stop him and take your teasing one step further. tease but give him a taste. just a little taste. then stop and make it his turn and again tell him exactly what you want. don't let him rush in and get 'er done. make this go on for a while and keep giving and taking more each time until you both can't take it anymore. also the anticipation of allowing someone to do all the work and then exchanging that is like being pampered at the spa. remember when it is your turn please him not yourself. doing it this way should be pleasing you.
Oh and go buy some toys you like...just don't bring em all out at once
try this a few time maybe he'll get the picture of what you want and need. if you are being open and honest about exactly what you want. he may finally get the picture and see how much you enjoy more than just ***ing | |
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| Is Great Sex THAT important?
Posted: 3/7/2008 12:36:16 AM | | Absolutely. If your were unsuccessful in teaching this old dog new tricks, dump him!! If you stay, you will, sooner or later, become miserable. In the end, it's all about you. Find a better lover! | |
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medana
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Joined: 12/8/2005
Msg: 46 | |
| Is Great Sex THAT important?
Posted: 3/7/2008 12:51:34 AM | he must have some issue behind it. if u find what the hang up is, u find gold
i've left men before due to sexual incompatibility.
if am going to be w someone, i need the sex. or a way to get it somewhere else
LOL | |
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| Is Great Sex THAT important?
Posted: 3/30/2008 7:55:25 AM |
He is everything I have ever wanted. The problem is,
Seems rather a contradiction in terms. Truth is, he's not EVERYTHING...outside the bedroom he's everything (although I'd wager he still falls a bit short sometimes in taking charge of things but for the most part he's pretty good).
Great sex won't save a marriage, but lousy sex has a way of making everything else look worse. Don't get out of bed frustrated and unhappy. And don't lie.
The problem is, you can't really 'give him permission' to go the next level because then you still hold all the power. Maybe watch some porn of your particularly favorite things and 'overact' a bit on your responses and excitement to some situations...see if the light bulb goes on over his head that "hey, she really likes __________".
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| Is Great Sex THAT important?
Posted: 3/30/2008 9:47:04 AM | | Yes sex to me is the most important part of the relationship! I could never be with a guy long if the sex wasn't great! Which is probably why I have been single so long. I have tryed dating guys where the sex was no good, I told them how to get me off so they did what I said and that is the only reason I did. Those guys just can't keep my attention. | |
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| Is Great Sex THAT important?
Posted: 3/30/2008 10:06:20 AM | Majority rules, it's clear it definately matters!
But in all fairness, we do not know this fellow's past. Sometimes things happen to kids that stays with them in adulthood and makes them, not so 'eager to please'. I hope that's not the case, but don't discount it. It happens more to girls, but guys can be victims too. Physical abusers are the worst-case scenario and best case would be a previous lover(s) that were either critical or non-conducive to good/better sex.
OP: Obviously you have some decisions to make. Talk, do your best to be gentle, supportive and understanding. Hope that things will improve. If they don't...then deal with it with if you can't continue. It would be a problem for me, as I'm one that needs that intimacy to communicate. I'd die without it! You have to do what makes you happy, if not, it'll likely get worse. | |
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