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Posted: 3/8/2008 8:42:36 PM | I should say I look exactly like my pic, it's from February.
Second something I just remembered. At one point I went to the restroom and when I was coming out she was gone for a few minutes in the ladies room and comes out and my phone buzzes. It is a text message from her that just says "no" and I asked what that was and she said she was responding to a friend and must have hit my name by mistake. She was in the bathroom so long I thought she had ditched me. I even mentioned that when she was gone and I couldn't find her I had wondered if she bailed.
It made me think what could she be texting about during a date? Perhaps someone texted her to ask her if the date was going well and she just said no.
The last person I dated I went on 5 dates with her and the online and offline conversations were great and we were actually fairly affectionate during the dates, almost like we had been together for a while. But she called me one day and said she couldn't feel anything more than just friends and wanted to break it off. Oh well. Toss me a pole, time for more fishing. Someone out there is looking for me. I just need to find her. | |
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Posted: 3/8/2008 8:50:47 PM | | She didn't just happen to run into some friends, she called to have them meet her. She knew what she was going to do when she said she would have lunch with you. What a creep! Hopefully you don't give her another thought. | |
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Posted: 3/8/2008 9:09:05 PM | Who texts during a date mentioning friends at a mall?!This is something a 16 year old would do but not an adult.
If a woman did that to me I would think she has personal problems and move on. | |
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Posted: 3/8/2008 9:28:17 PM | Seems the common piece of advice here, 'stuff happens', and at least it didn't cost you an arm and leg.
A heart with many scars is evidence that you are trying and you are learning.
Keep your chin up and point your nose in the direction you wish to travel. A few callouses on your feet are better than on your heart.
And, don't judge the NEXT woman, on the negative past experiences.
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Posted: 3/8/2008 10:46:20 PM | I had a similar experience yesterday. This gal and I were talking for days and I thought we had some good things in common. So one night she says she's bored and that all of her friends are at an avril lavigne concert. I suggest we meet up, she says yes, I get there all the way from surrey going all the way to the fringes of burnaby.
I pick her up and she won't even look me in the eye, mostly texting on her phone and talking to her friends. We get to starbucks in burnaby, I'm making conversation and she doesn't seem too receptive. She laughs a few times and texts some more, then telling me that another friend would be coming and that she said she had this "thing" to do, but she already said she had no plans.
I wait outside with her so she doesn't get mugged and stuff and what do I see? Another guy coming to pick her up. I guess she just didn't want a cab, cause I felt so embarrassed, and afterwards she wouldn't even respond to me online. People like that make me sick, so yes, I can sympathise with you on that one. | |
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Posted: 3/9/2008 12:05:26 AM | Sounds like she was just not attracted to you in person....
You can txt,email,& chat to someone forever,but if there's no attraction in person.....well.........................: (
But i do think it was rude of her to not at least try to enjoy your company for the short time you were there over coffee...
I also dont think she met any friends in the mall,but just used that as an excuse to bail.
Keep meeting girls at Starbucks--nothing wrong with that.... | |
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Posted: 3/9/2008 12:20:27 AM | | You have to be there, it's not that easy as I found out, great in theory........ | |
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Posted: 3/9/2008 5:14:20 AM | | lots of people on dating sites are "users and abusers". you obviously didnt offer anything of value that she needed, or she realized it would be too hard to fool you into whatever veiled idea she had of short term emotional abuse to get what she wanted she moved on. arent you just the lucky one you didnt end up with someone like that. | |
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Posted: 3/9/2008 5:25:12 AM |
So... Looks like my old standby of meeting at Starbucks and chatting for hours didn't work in this case. (In my experience, that always leads to a second date) Most girls seemed to really like it because they enjoy the talking and getting to know each other.
If it's worked in the past, I would just chalk it up to a case of "you win some, you lose some" I wouldn't dwell on it too much. | |
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Posted: 3/9/2008 5:27:52 AM | Was she a lot younger than you? 'Cause it sounds like she has the social skills of a teenager, and a rude one at that.
Most people know how to spend a pleasant hour or two with a new acquaintance. If she didn't feel a "click", ideally, she should have found the good grace to treat you like a new friend, aside from the whole "dating" thing. Less ideally, but still viable, she should have said, "Sweetie, you're a great guy, but I'm just not feeling it."
Aren't you glad you dodged the bullet with this little phycho-kitty? | |
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Posted: 3/9/2008 5:29:03 AM | I have had that many times, thats why its best to keep the emailing and chatting to a minimum, you create a person that you want, even if you have got a photo. It really is down to chemistry at the end of the day. I have wanted to marry some guys based on a phonecall, because I have got on so well, but meeting in real time is totally different. She should have been honest and said rather than go on with the date, but it is difficult.
Dont waste your money on wining and dining, if the chemistry is there Starbucks is fine for a first date. Wine and dine when you know its going to be appreciated. Thats my take on it anyway. Good luck........... | |
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Posted: 3/9/2008 7:01:11 AM | I get an email from a POF'r
She asks for a pic.....
So I sent her one, and wrote a couple of lines....
She reads.... no response.....
Next morning, I send another note, and suggest an idea for an interesting date....
She replies, " I don't think we are compatible, by reading your forum posts."
WELL DUH..... she likely read my posts on my profile before requesting a picture! She just wasn't ready to accept how I LOOK !
SHALLOW
However, it is much better than getting dumped at Starbucks... and that has happened.
After a while, I begin to think people must see two heads, three arms and one eye. | |
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Posted: 3/9/2008 9:29:53 AM | Is there a possibility she could have been married? Maybe the mall area was to public and she was afraid of a friend or family member seeing her....
If I were to meet someone at a coffee shop that would be the perfect place for me. Or a place like an Applebees, country kitchen, something like that. I don't like starbucks so I would suggest some place other than that. If I wasn't enjoying the conversation over coffee or a drink, I definately would decline the date going any farther than that. I wouldn't order food, or agree to meet at another place. I would thank the person for great conversation and go about our way... I would continue to talk to the person on line as a friendship but I would make it known that I am only interested in an online friendship nothing more..... Not all women are like the disaster you encountered.. good luck on your journey and don't give up. It sounds like you did everything you could to help her feel comfortable. | |
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Posted: 3/9/2008 9:37:30 AM | | It doesn't matter where you go or what you do, if someones into you then the where is inconsenquential. (Did I spell that right? lol) | |
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Posted: 3/9/2008 9:39:38 AM | | let me say first that I am sorry u had to experience such shallowness but it does happen especially when someone puts so much stock into a forever changing thing like looks.I think ur idea of meeting at starbucks rocks as I love coffee but I may be kinda selfserving with that observation lol.It may also be as one previous poster wrote inthat she couldn't size u up like she wanted to so she couldn't figure out how to approach u about giving her something.In either case no sleep lost right?As another poster wrote"chin up grasshopper" | |
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Posted: 3/9/2008 10:03:19 AM | Sorry, mate. My sympathies to you, because you really didn't do anything wrong. It's happened to me before, I'll be really attracted to someone until I meet them, and something just feels off. Or vice versa. Once the awkwardness is there, it's hard to stop.
From my experience, the Starbucks/coffee date is one of the most awkward of all. I mean, you know you already like eachother, and you know you both can already converse, so why not go do something a bit more active? Mini golf or some cute activity is never under-rated. Find a place or thing that you both want to do, whether the other person was there or not. It's easier to have fun when you're doing things with your date, instead of just being with your date. Then you can really see how she (or she can see how you) might fit into her life and make normal experiences a bit better.
I don't really expect fine dining at all. Hell, I get shy if someone wants to pay for me. Especially on a first date, a sweet gesture wins over a romantic one. Yesterday I had a date where we went to breakfast for smiley pancakes (yay!) and then to the Ontario Science Centre (big, nerdy interactive science museum.). We thought it'd end there but then we decided on dinner and a movie, too. So it turned into a reallly reallllllly long 12 hour date, and you know what? We didn't get bored once. Conversation happens along the way. Don't force it. :) | |
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Posted: 3/9/2008 10:07:53 AM | Just to clarify, when I say "attracted to," it's not just looks, but mannerisms, how you carry yourself in person, what you talk about, the type of person you are, etc. I'm not saying her actions weren't rude, but you seem so confused about why she wasn't interested, and asked if it was because you brought her to Starbucks. There's got to be women you're not interested in too. It's not going to be a match every date, so don't be so surprised.
To be honest though, since you brought it up, I personally am more intrigued with guys that suggest something other than Starbucks though. Not because I want to get a free meal or something, but because some place with character reflects someone with interesting taste. Starbucks is so generic and big and corporate. I like an independent coffee shop with a nice owner, and good coffee. Even more of a reflection of his taste is if he suggests a meal which indicates he's not afraid to invest some time in the date to get to know me. Saying "let's go to Starbucks" is like saying "let's go to McDonald's." I know tonnes of way more interesting coffeeshops around/coffee and dessert shops that are great date places. I think part of it is an attitude about the date. I tend to like going out to cafes and restaurants with my friends too, and enjoy exploring new places. If you go into a first date (first time meeting) thinking this person is only worth having a cup of coffee with at Starbucks for now because I don't know how this will turn out then you kind of set yourself up for disappointment. If you go into it thinking that this is an opportunity to have a good time and enjoy a nice experience and have a good time meeting a new person, then you are more likely to have a good time in general. Time is too precious to be wasting it doing stuff you hate just to date. You can date AND do fun things at the same time, which seems to be part of the point of having someone to date. Anyhow, I hate Starbucks. Another attitude that guys can take would be something like "well, if she was really into you, it wouldn't matter where you took her, so you might as well bring her to Starbucks/McDonald's." The trouble is that it sometimes takes women longer to get into a guy than it takes for the guy. Sometimes it takes me three dates before I feel the attraction, but then it hits me like a tonne of bricks. But often a guy will be interested immediately. Then again, I don't think you should necessarily do things that aren't normal for you just to impress a girl. Then you are basically trying to fool her into thinking you are something that you aren't. If you really like the conformity and blandness of Starbucks, then you should find a girl who also likes that too. (I will go to Starbucks on occassion because it seems to have become pretty common to give out Starbucks giftcards, so I have enjoyed some of their fancy coffee drinks because of gifts, but their drip coffee is vile). | |
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Posted: 3/9/2008 10:13:41 AM | This is one of the reasons that I like to have the face-to-face meeting sooner rather than later. No matter how much you IM & email, the only real way to see if you click is by meeting, IMO.
The other thing, which he said wasn't the case for him, is having old pictures on your profile. Almost 75% of the women I've met from online sites do NOT look like their profile pictures. The logic behind it completely escapes me. I mean, I met one woman who had pictures posted that were TEN YEARS OLD! I was SHOCKED when we met and obviously, there was NO 2nd date. I mean, if a woman (or anyone) feels that it's OK to misrepresent herself right from the start, she's NOT the kind of girl I wanna have a relationship with. Seriously, what are they thinking!??
On a lighter note I met 2 women who purposely posted "bad" pictures of themselves in their profile as a way of keeping the "internet poon-hounds" from contacting them. Both times it was an incredibly nice surprise! I ended up having an 8 month relationship with one of them. However, in my experience, women like those are the extreme exception to what seems to have become the online dating "norm"... | |
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Posted: 3/9/2008 10:28:57 AM | | I can't explain it, she probably met some bum the day before that she thought the grass was greener, ya know? Let her go.....walk on down the hall. | |
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Posted: 3/9/2008 10:33:23 AM | To the OP: I think that an initial meeting at Starbuck's, or something similar, is a splendid idea. That way, there is no expectation of spending a protracted amount of time with someone with whom there is potentially no ongoing interest.
I don't think that you did anything wrong. So, I hope you're not discouraged by this recent event. It sounds like this young lady had issues. I can't imagine being unable to sustain a conversation for a short period. And, her ditching you en route to the mall was cowardly. She easily could have told you before you left Starbucks that she thought you were a nice guy, but didn't feel a connection ... or whatever! Consider it a blessing that she revealed her character so early on. Keep your chin up ... there are decent women out there!
I laughed when I read this from msg#44:
On a lighter note I met 2 women who purposely posted "bad" pictures of themselves in their profile as a way of keeping the "internet poon-hounds" from contacting them. Both times it was an incredibly nice surprise! I ended up having an 8 month relationship with one of them. However, in my experience, women like those are the extreme exception to what seems to have become the online dating "norm"...
At least four times recently, I've been told by men that my profile pictures "don't do me justice," and that I'm much prettier in person. I considered that the NICEST compliment ever! I've debated posting more glamorous shots, but for the reason stated above, have decided against it. I'd much rather a man be pleasantly surprised than to be disappointed. I thought it was just me, so it's encouraging to hear that other women think the same way. | |
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Posted: 3/9/2008 10:37:02 AM | This is just my experience. I found that at least talking on the phone first is a good idea. A few conversations will tell me whether or not I want to go further. Plus.. it makes it easier to transition to the face to face meet. Coffee I think is a great place to start though I do like cozier independent shops, makes things not seem so "stiff". Another thing... if you meet for coffee.. that's all it is. Neither of you are really out anything. If it goes great.. awesome.. if not.. all you're out is a few bucks.
The other thing, which he said wasn't the case for him, is having old pictures on your profile. Almost 75% of the women I've met from online sites do NOT look like their profile pictures. The logic behind it completely escapes me. I mean, I met one woman who had pictures posted that were TEN YEARS OLD! I was SHOCKED when we met and obviously, there was NO 2nd date. I mean, if a woman (or anyone) feels that it's OK to misrepresent herself right from the start, she's NOT the kind of girl I wanna have a relationship with. Seriously, what are they thinking!??
I agree with Navigator.... why misrepresent yourself from the start when you know eventually there is a chance that you are going to meet in person? If they are going to do that then it's not someone I want to be involved with.
I met someone from another dating site once that his pic must have been at least 15 years old. We met half way (which in my case was over an hour) and I'm sitting there waiting to meet the person in the picture.. and he comes up to me introduces himself..(he looked about 200 lbs heavier in person).
I have dated all types of people... heavy, skinny, average... and it's not about the weight.. it's the fact that they weren't honest up front.
Ok.. back on subject OP.. don't worry about one bad experience.. just move up on and move on.. and good luck!
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Posted: 3/9/2008 10:39:24 AM | | Coffee is a good light way to meet with someone. You're not stuck for a long period of time but can always do more if you both feel a connection. Stick with what you're comfortable with and don't let one person ruin you on meeting someone else. You're next "coffee date" could be the one that ends up having coffee with you every morning. | |
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Posted: 3/9/2008 10:59:03 AM | | that is a shame and I have a simular expirience but I`d met up with him a couple of times, he seemed v keen then then decided to back out of the 3rd date by sending me a txt ! Think we have to accept that some people are rude, some are weird and some are both. I`d love to meet a nice genuine fella in Startbucks or any where else for that matter. Dont let it put you off not everyones the same - and most of all its them who have a problem not you- julie | |
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Posted: 3/9/2008 11:02:51 AM | | Consider your self lucky. This woman has some real issues. This place is called Plenty of Fish for a reason......she is one of those that should have been clubbed and thrown up on the bank. | |
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