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| Rejected after the first date?
Posted: 5/12/2008 5:39:31 PM | Hey at least you get the emails!
I've discovered that just cause the first date goes fantastic, doesn't mean it will be the same on a second date or even get to the date. | |
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| Rejected after the first date?
Posted: 5/13/2008 11:12:14 PM | I totally disagree, you know on the first date if there is any 'spark' or chemistry, attraction, or interest.
Just like you can actually 'grow to love ' someone. NO YOU CANT
You can fall in love , just like fall out of love.......
looks to me as if your still here..........(poster)
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| Rejected after the first date?
Posted: 5/13/2008 11:27:57 PM | maybe she knew your zodiac sign ahead of time and already predetermined it wouldn't work out! lol
did she get a free meal out of it? | |
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| Rejected after the first date?
Posted: 5/14/2008 4:54:22 AM | If you've never met before in person - it's a meet, not a date. Get in the same room and see if there's any further interest. If not, you move on. Not scheduling a second meet after a first isn't rejection, it's a mismatch - and it's part of the process of meeting people online.
That's WHY you meet - to decide whether or not you want to continue. A majority of first meets will also be last ones, because both won't be mutually interested. Get used to it. | |
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| Rejected after the first date?
Posted: 5/14/2008 8:42:42 AM | If you've never met before in person - it's a meet, not a date.
Not necessary. What about blind dates? What about game shows when people would go on dates with people they never met before. IMO it's semantics.
Not scheduling a second meet after a first isn't rejection, it's a mismatch - and it's part of the process of meeting people online.
I think this is true in many cases. But not always. Sometimes a person could reject another person that could be a good match for them because of some very minor reason. I did that a few times when I was much younger. In retrospect, I was probably being too picky at the time. This can apply to people you meet at a bar, social club, bookstore, dating website etc. | |
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| Rejected after the first date?
Posted: 5/14/2008 9:30:22 AM | Not necessary. What about blind dates? What about game shows when people would go on dates with people they never met before. IMO it's semantics.
I would agree. Some people might consider meeting someone from the internet to be a semi-blind date. You haven't actually meet them yet. But there was some interest generated by their profiles, photos, and email / phone conversations.'
IMO a first date doesn't need have to be fancy, romantic, or involve high expectations. It is simply a chance to see if there is a connection beyond the initial emails or phone conversations. If there isn't another date, then it is a date that didn't work out. Whether it was because one person had unrealistic expectations, one person was a complete jerk, there wasn't mutual physical attraction or any other potential reason. | |
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| Rejected after the first date?
Posted: 5/14/2008 9:44:01 AM | sorry to barge in, but could not resist 
i agree with what you say you need to give it a couple of goes some people are nervous meeting well strangers, face to face. its easy to txt and email but face to face is very different.
i met someone, said we would meet again and within 1hr got a txt saying your a nice person but dont think we can have a relationship.
we met briefly over a lunch break. not really time to get to know someone is it.
too many people too quick to judge... | |
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| Rejected after the first date?
Posted: 5/14/2008 10:52:10 AM |
Not necessary. What about blind dates? What about game shows when people would go on dates with people they never met before. IMO it's semantics.
This is one of those cases where I'm projecting based on how I do it. I don't do blind dates, and I don't go on dates with people I've never met before. If it's with the intention of getting romantic in any way shape or form, it's a date. I can't call it that if I don't know that yet. It's got no more umph to me than a business meeting would.
I think this is true in many cases. But not always. Sometimes a person could reject another person that could be a good match for them because of some very minor reason. I did that a few times when I was much younger. In retrospect, I was probably being too picky at the time. This can apply to people you meet at a bar, social club, bookstore, dating website etc.
IMO, anyone that rejects you regardless of the reason still constitutes a mismatch, or they wouldn't reject you. A match is when both are interested and want to continue.
I would agree. Some people might consider meeting someone from the internet to be a semi-blind date. You haven't actually meet them yet. But there was some interest generated by their profiles, photos, and email / phone conversations.'
I guess in the sense that it's interest in seeing if there's interest. It's so far removed until you meet tho, that it's not really much of anything at that point.
IMO a first date doesn't need have to be fancy, romantic, or involve high expectations. It is simply a chance to see if there is a connection beyond the initial emails or phone conversations. If there isn't another date, then it is a date that didn't work out. Whether it was because one person had unrealistic expectations, one person was a complete jerk, there wasn't mutual physical attraction or any other potential reason.
I never call it a date until I meet them, they take on a different angle for me because there's attraction and I want to know more. Anything else is a pit stop. Then again, that's probably an era thing for me - the meaning of "date" when I was growing up was overly pressurized, dressed up affairs where people were trying really hard to impress each other. Since I equate "date" with making an impression and I think making impressions must be based on some sort of actual interest, the idea of going on a date to me is silly until I know enough about them to either be impressed or want to impress.
I don't use that word purposely to deflate a ton of interest until I can determine more - mostly in response to men using it with an expectant tone when discussing a first meet.
i agree with what you say you need to give it a couple of goes some people are nervous meeting well strangers, face to face. its easy to txt and email but face to face is very different.
If I think a guy is cute and I have interest, I would find his nervousness endearing, not a dealbreaker. It's never deterred me from someone I had interest in. I assume that a few thought being nervous was what killed a meeting, but it wasn't. It was lack of interest.
i met someone, said we would meet again and within 1hr got a txt saying your a nice person but dont think we can have a relationship.
Thats good....you found out quickly and didn't have to waste time on it. Count your blessings on that. Some would have waited two weeks to tell you.
we met briefly over a lunch break. not really time to get to know someone is it.
I throw meetings in between other things I'm doing during the course of the day, and it's never longer than a half hour. That's more than enough time to know if I have interest. In fact, it's usually pretty much determined in the first 5 minutes if I have attraction/interest. | |
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| Rejected after the first date?
Posted: 5/14/2008 12:13:47 PM | Definitely that first meet will determine if things will
progress further, it would be folly to think one can
'instill' their very own tastes in another over time,
without that all important 'magnetism'. | |
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LCB07
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Joined: 1/13/2008
Msg: 260 | |
| Rejected after the first date?
Posted: 5/14/2008 1:09:05 PM |
Not scheduling a second meet after a first isn't rejection, it's a mismatch - and it's part of the process of meeting people online.
By far the most intelligent post I've read. So true. | |
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| Rejected after the first date?
Posted: 6/27/2008 9:57:18 PM | | I think it takes some time to see if there is a spark, not 5 minutes. Sometimes people are nervous and dont act like them usual selves. Also, nervousness can mask a good sense of humor. So, I think we need to start being kinder to each other, looking for the GOOD, not the BAD and give people a chance to be themselves. No one likes first date rejection, but it happens. | |
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| Rejected after the first date?
Posted: 6/28/2008 3:10:00 AM | | Sure some people are nervous. If they don't warm up at some point, its not working. Ive seen it both ways. When its right nerves fly out the window almost instantly and I can be natural. If I dont find myself at ease at any point, I know they're not right for me. Somewhere in between I'll take other things into account. | |
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| Rejected after the first date?
Posted: 6/28/2008 4:10:45 AM | | even though it may seem unfair to you, there has to be some kind of attraciton for a second date. | |
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| Rejected after the first date?
Posted: 6/28/2008 4:38:18 AM | I am all about the "spark". I know within 3 seconds of meeting someone as to what kind of relationship is possible. In most cases, nothing more than friends. In some cases, there is a pure, raw physical attraction...but that is it. But what I am looking for is not necessarily the hottest guy, I am looking for a guy that makes me feel a certain way when I am with him. And it is either there from the get-go, or it's not.
I met a guy in early March when I was in Florida. Didn't know a thing about him, but I instantly felt connected to him. So I asked him where he was from, and he lives over 600 miles from me. Damn. I walked away...I didn't WANT someone so far away. But a week or 2 later, I came across an online profile of the same guy because we have some mutual friends. So I wrote to him, and talked to him about when we met in Florida. A month ago, he had a business trip that was to bring him within an hour of where I live, so we planned to meet for dinner. At this point, I was thinking, we would just be meeting as friends. But as soon as I was near him, the sparks flew again. A casual meeting for dinner and drinks was suddenly a real DATE. He is tall, clean cut, professional...AND rides a Harley. He's the kind of guy that can do odd jobs around the house, AND helps me with my chair, my coat, the door. Swoooon! And he described me as a tomboy that looks like a supermodel...which means he is just as much into me as I am into him. THAT NEVER HAPPENS! The more we have talked via email, the more things we have found to have in common.
And now...I am stuck with wanting to be with someone that is 600 miles away, but at the moment, our busy lives just do not make it possible.
So I am learning the art of patience. I waited years to find him...I can wait another month. | |
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| Rejected after the first date?
Posted: 6/28/2008 4:41:26 AM | I always make it long past that cell phone call that comes 30 minutes into the date, but I think the date loses something when we discuss what kind of box to live in. Would you prefer a refrigerator box or the washer, dryer combination? I like the modular washer dryer set up, but the neighborhood needs to be good. 
Too much sparkin' goin' on in a first date...could be what lead to the fall of polyester leisure suits, but anyway... Everyone gets better looking with time, and if you wear red you look better right away. Suppose you wear black, the sinister color that's always good for a light first impression; the black turtle neck that says to me, "choke the chit out of my anal retentive hiney!"
Take the pill at least an hour before meeting to experience the entire 10 minutes of the date so you can have complete euphoric recall. State dependant learning requires this. If you decide to stick around, don't drink too much, otherwise you may end up in a cardboard box.
Sparks and alcohol make for fast qualifying times at the Indianapolis 500 too, and the race always ends with 32 losers and maybe 3 million in destroyed machinery. And that smell , that high performance aroma coaxing speed from adrenalin! Racing fumes are awesome and the black car sure is fast today.
I wont even attempt to quantify my win to lose first date ratio, because a person with a fatal disease, her hair on fire, and forgot the slip with the white skirt when the sun's a blazin' can have a peculiar standard that's beyond reason by speculation after a no re-up date...I'm just hopin' she forgets the slip again.
Look on the bright side. All the things you missed out on have helped to solidify your necessary self love with life solidarity; the I'm just fine that adds to relationships that may start after the cell call 30 minutes into a date. 
The price of shopping cart wheels is just getting ridiculous!  | |
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| Rejected after the first date?
Posted: 6/28/2008 4:47:36 AM | Ready to Go, consider yourself LUCKY that you even got to MEET someone face-to-face for a FIRST date! 
Alot of people don't even get THAT far when it comes to online dating.
I am all about the "spark". I know within 3 seconds of meeting someone as to what kind of relationship is possible.
In all honesty, I know relationships that last just as long (3 seconds LOL being facetious).....they END as fast as the SPARK. Personally, I don't think they usually lead to a healthy and stable relationship.
I had friends, while in the "googly eyed" mode, a month later, I'd be saying, "So how are you and Bill doing, you guys doing anything this weekend?"
Response, "Eh, didn't work out."
But I get what you mean though. Unfortunately, and correct me if I'm wrong, but it's mostly the women that believe in the initial "spark". While I believe in giving it some, "getting to know you" time. Spend time getting familiar with the person. | |
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| Rejected after the first date?
Posted: 6/28/2008 5:15:15 AM | I think most of us get the same treatment, no immediate spark....move on! That's internet dating for you! It's a backwards (attempt) at dating. If you spill out too much information before you even meet, the only hope you have left (when you meet) is that "spark". If you don't say enough, but decide to meet anyway, the chances of someone wanting to know more about you all depends on that "spark". Either way, it's a hit n miss situation!
There are too many other "fish" in here, so it should be called "Plenty of First Dates" :)
In the REAL world, the old fashion way of dating is much better. You meet someone by chance. The attraction is there, so you talk IN PERSON and go from there. Your chances of getting a second "meeting" is much better! (Don't ask me where it is that you'll ever meet someone by chance though :)
I'm wondering about speed dating..... meet a handfull of people in person... would that be more of a sucessful way of dating?
Myself, I'd love to be the "Bachelorette" & meet 25 to 50 men at the same time. Line em up! All of them "date" me :) Hell, I'd be busy!
On second though.....Never mind...I don't have that kind of time! | |
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| Rejected after the first date?
Posted: 6/28/2008 5:21:08 AM | But I get what you mean though. Unfortunately, and correct me if I'm wrong, but it's mostly the women that believe in the initial "spark". While I believe in giving it some, "getting to know you" time. Spend time getting familiar with the person.
I am not sure if the "spark" concept is a male vs female thing. What I do know, is that the spark I look for is not that hot burning passion kind of thing...I agree, that is a sign of a short-term relationship. Beyond a raw physical attraction, not much else is there.
But I am talking about something more along the lines of a gut instinct. That feeling that you are right where you are supposed to be...in the right place at the right time with the right person.
Yes, he has to be physically attractive...but I think women are not entirely shallow when it comes to choosing a partner. I do like eye candy, but I can get bored of a hot guy real quick if there is no other substance. I tend to be more attracted to guys that have animated features...for example, I would go for a Jim Carrey type before a George Clooney or Brad Pitt. George and Brad are handsome guys, but Jim is INTERESTING, and much more captivating. But physical attraction is not just about looks, either. It's about subtleties in how a guy smells, the energy he projects, the sound of his voice, and the twinkle in his eye...etc. It all comes into play, and it is either there from the get-go, or it's not.
And it has to be there before I am willing to get to know anything more about someone. Because, if it's not there...what's the point? Trust me, I have tested the theory that feelings would develop over time if there was a compatibility with his personality traits, general lifestyle, personal philosophy, etc. But it doesn't work. And if I know a guy is INTO me, and I know I am not into him, I would rather end it sooner than later.
So for the guys that think they can't get past the first date, I am thinking that maybe there is something that needs to be fixed. Maybe the guy is so nervous, he is releasing pheromones women find repellent. Maybe he is trying too hard to impress her, that he sounds arrogant. That is why they say it will happen when you least expect it, or when you aren't LOOKING...because it is then that all those negatives go away. So the trick, is to relax and enjoy yourself, and not get yourself all worked up and afraid of rejection...cuz we girls can SMELL fear, and it doesn't smell good! | |
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| Rejected after the first date?
Posted: 6/28/2008 5:57:19 AM |
But I am talking about something more along the lines of a gut instinct
what you're talking about is known as "thin slicing", which is the ability to gauge what's important from a narrow period of experience. This is most likely similar to the 'spark' you refer to. In this respect so called spontaneous decisions are just as valid as carefully thought out ones because the subconscious processes a lot more information that we are consciously aware of. However spontaneous decisions are more likely to be corrupted by likes, dislikes, prejudices and stereotypes. | |
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| Rejected after the first date?
Posted: 6/29/2008 3:50:49 AM |
what you're talking about is known as "thin slicing", which is the ability to gauge what's important from a narrow period of experience. This is most likely similar to the 'spark' you refer to. In this respect so called spontaneous decisions are just as valid as carefully thought out ones because the subconscious processes a lot more information that we are consciously aware of. However spontaneous decisions are more likely to be corrupted by likes, dislikes, prejudices and stereotypes.
That is a new term on me, and I think you are right. It is easy to be so focused on a series of pre-set parameters that the "rejection" happens more consciously than sub-consciously. But even so, I think it is still valid. But then, I have always held the philosophy that if I am looking for the ONE guy that is perfect for me, that means I will have to essentially reject 99.999% of the guys out there.
So, after a while, after saying no no no...eventually, I do a manual override, and TRY to get to know a guy that might show interest in me. And you know what? Whenever I do that, I regret it. Because as I am getting to know him, and finding out more reasons we would not be compatible for anything long term, he is getting more and more attached. And once that happens, ending things is a LOT harder. I would rather walk away from someone in the beginning, before they are emotionally vested...if I know then that things just don't feel "right".
So, what is better? A string of first dates? Or a string of short-lived romances ending in disaster? | |
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| Rejected after the first date?
Posted: 6/29/2008 4:18:50 AM | | What? You actually get women to show up on dates? How amazing. I usually get stood up without so much as a phone call. Why do women think it is ok to be so rude? Is it that hard just to say "No thanks"? | |
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| Rejected after the first date?
Posted: 6/29/2008 4:47:36 AM | | You can't tell from a first date whether a relationship will work out of not, but there of course there are going to be people who will repulse you within the first meeting (for whatever reason). Repulsion can happen as fast as the first second, or it can take a couple of hours of conversation before they reveal they are racist or psychotic or something. Of course you can tell on the first date in some cases that you don't want to see someone again. If you are a nice person, saying "I didn't feel a spark, good luck" is a very polite way to let someone know so they are not left wondering. I wouldn't want people to start saying "you repulse me" instead. This is an extreme example just to illustrate the point clearly that it is possible to tell on the first date. The less extreme is just that they didn't happen to be attracted to you (maybe they don't even know why). They don't need to tell you exactly why, even if they know -that would be brutal to hear that kind of thing. Just don't take it personally. Obviously you can't match up with every woman out there. I'm sure there are women out there that you're not attracted to too. | |
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| Rejected after the first date?
Posted: 6/29/2008 5:06:37 AM | The spark I think of is similar to fe fe.
I have met people for the first time and feel a connection. That simply means the ability to communicate comfortably. Like a kinship. This can be close to a friendship or the start of one. I have met many people where I connected easily with, but does not necessary lead to anything beyond friendship.
Dating today is like fast food. We all want it now and fast. We want what we ordered/imagined in our minds. If it's real, it may be you just have to be patient and let the friendship grow to something romantic, which it can. Remove your expectations completely and let what may. | |
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| Rejected after the first date?
Posted: 6/29/2008 5:43:18 AM |
So, what is better? A string of first dates? Or a string of short-lived romances ending in disaster?
One could argue that short-lived romances despite being hard work mentally and emotionally, give more opportunity to learn about people and oneself. Being able to correlate date behaviour and relationship behaviour equates to shoving more information into the subconscious, which ought to lead to better thin-sliced decisions in the future. Aka honing ones instincts.
If you're looking for one guy and you decide on gut feeling, you must have a pre-conceived idea, albeit subconsciously of what perfect is. These guys u've attempted relationships with can't have been 100% unsuitable but to regret trying is to see it in black & white with no useful value. Maybe it's just me who takes the time to think why some choices were so wrong.
I have always held the philosophy that getting it wrong is an important step on the path to getting it right. My dating pattern went from completely unsuitable towards more suitable. It started off insanely wrong but the ones where I put more time in were the ones that I learnt most from. But they again I believe perfect is an unsubstantiated quality and you cant know what that is until you've go it and its usually quite surprising.
If you find you keep attempting relationships that are complete wrong. You need to figure out what else is important that you're missing because your current criteria of
"how a guy smells, the energy he projects, the sound of his voice, and the twinkle in his eye...etc. It all comes into play, and it is either there from the get-go, or it's not."
seems incomplete. | |
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| Rejected after the first date?
Posted: 6/29/2008 7:22:50 AM | Try not to get jaded because you'll have approach dating with a big wall up. What woman is gonna climb that one?
Just relax, choose to meet women who are positive and are open-minded.
I admire some of my European male friends - they see dating as fun and don't take rejection to heart. They just dust off their suit jacket and move on.
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It has been said many times before, and it is still probably just as true/false now as it was then, that women immediately size the guy up as :
1.lover
2.breeder
3.friend emotional nurturer.
4. something less than that
5. a person to avoid at all costs.
You can tidy those words up to sound nice if you like ...
Usually in that order. No one wants to admit to this as it seems shallow yet this seems to be a cross cultural phenomenon.
They move you down the scale within 10 seconds depending on their criteria.
People will argue - with words as this is how arguing is done - until the cows come home but their actions belie their argument.
And when i say "they" i am making a general comment about all women. and all men actually.
Of course there are going to be exceptions as this underlies the basis of the normal distribution. 
anyway.
I have tried to understand the mentality behind all the complaints and comments.
I really have.
You know,, the threads about who pays for what ,when and where, and the read/delete and whatever else.
The posts about rejection and whatever else, as if everyone must at least like the person from the get-go.
THe threads complaining about the princess es and the comments from the princess es that men are cheapos and losers.
The really obvious threads about " why do men talk to me about / ask for sex ? what are they thinking?" sort of stuff. It's fairly obvious that the people posting these things are at best hopelessly naive or ignorant of the ways of the world.
Likewise it boggles my mind that the 'princesses " won't simply admit that they have a mercernary outlook to dating. It actually works quite well for them. It is rather fun to read their posts where these self described wonderful women call everyone else a bunch of skanky whore cheapo losers.... great stuff.
Blaming a past relationship where you got ' took to the cleaners' is hardly exculpatory.
I really have tried to undestand all this.
I even tried to start a thread complaining about something: it didn't go anywhere as I have no idea how to sincerely complain about this stuff.
Although I can complain about people complaining ....
I have tried to see this point of view when I talk to women IRL .
I must say that it makes the entire time much less enjoyable for me.
I don't have this point of view at all.
I don't see dating as a Canadian version of American Gladiators.
I have high expectations of what the date will be or how it will turn out.
However, if it turns out less than that, it is all part of the experience.
I have always had this European outlook on love, live and everything within.
To me it seems more to be Latin AMerican than European but probably personal experience plays a role in how aperson defines such an outlook.
I try to have fun on my dates, dance, sing , I don't ask a million questions or interrogate the woman.
Sometimes it ends up that that is the extent of it. We both had a good time yet it ended. This is good.
Sometimes it ends up that it goes a little more. That is good too. Often better!
Like mercenary dating, it can't be taught or slipped on like a glove.
At least not completely.
Disclaimer...
the usual... and
and when I say " understand " I mean how it is that people are so easily or readily offended by some aspect of human nature that the majority of people simply accept and/or deal with ?
I do understand these things, their complaints.
I do understand that these people who complain just don't understand. and quite possibly never will.
So what boggles my mind concerns the question of what could have possibly happened to these people who complain or who deny what they are that allows them to be that way? What makes people this way?
I have no trouble with women who have a mercenary outlook or who reject me. I understand that they have that right.
How it bothers people to the point of complaining about it says more about the complainer than about the alleged "villain.".
quotation marks as the person is not a villain .
It's just fascinating to read...
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