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| Rejected after the first date?
Posted: 3/15/2008 3:20:11 AM | | It doesn't just happen to men. It has happened to me too. A while back, I met a guy through another site. He contacted me first and really wanted to meet me so I let it go to my head without listening to the clues-namely that he divorced his ex -wife with whom he was still friends because of chemistry. I mean, this was a 50 something year old man with average looks, a bit of a belly,not a movie star-yet he left a good woman he could still be friends with and broke up a family-with children- because he wanted to feel the "chemistry" people see in movies. I think what happens is a lot of people go to the movies and think real life is like that. If they don't walk into a room and their heart pounds, they sweat profusely, and feel the need to grab the other person and run into the nearest bathroom for a quickie, then forget it. But... you have not lost anything because a person like that does not make a good mate for the long run. Sooner or later, familiarity wears on the chemistry and someone unwilling to live without that rush is going to leave the minute someone else gives them that rush. It's unfortunate but the old adage that you have to kiss a lot of frogs to find the prince/princess is very true and it has less to do with you than with other's expectations. Judging by your picture alone, you are a cute guy and you will find someone but giving up is not the way. Just screen the women a bit longer before you meet. Lastly, some women may not be attracted to you;again,not your issue. Even Marilyn Monroe and George Clooney have had people say " Yuck!" No one can be attractive to all people and to date you need to have a thick skin. The alternative is giving up and being alone. That does not mean it is not discouraging but it's like a sport;sometimes you have to play despite the pain and if you fall off of the horse get back on the saddle. Good luck!!! | |
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| Rejected after the first date?
Posted: 3/15/2008 3:27:36 AM | OP,
I am sorry, but I totally disagree.
I have been on both the rejecting and being rejected on the first date sides. Is it really that hard to understand that one JUST KNOWS...its that gut feeling....
Here are a couple of my experiences and they are cookie cutter for most of my experiences with slight variations:
Scenario one: We talk online, and on the phone. He is funny, sarcastic and if his picture is current and "real"...not bad looking. We share most opinions and the ones we differ on we can intellectually back up in a way not offensive to the other party. We meet. He looks better in his pictures. He lacks manners, can't carry a conversation and keep his eyes out of my cleavage. I tell myself its first time jitters and keep moving along in my usual "instantly comfortable with strangers" personality. We decide to grab a bite to eat after spending about an hour having coffee, walking and talking...blah blah blah....we walk to the restaurant..I walk in....turn around and he is GONE!!!. Seriously, he just vanished!!! I think I laughed all the way home.
Scenario two: First part same as scenario one. We meet, he is cute, and obviously out of my league, but he figures he put forth the effort and he should at least get laid....(I have to be honest here, sometimes I get the "what the hell" attitude about this)...regardless its a first and last.
Scenario three: First part same as the rest. We meet. He is not all that great looking but he is interractive and charming and I enjoy his company. We have a great time, but I feel no physical attraction. I am nice but not physically forward. We meet a second time...similar great time, and he decides to make the move and kiss me....I suck at lying..and my body language would give me away even if I tried....I hate myself for being a foregone conclusion and making the "nice guys finish last" attage true, but I can't see myself moving forward with the relationship. I go home feeling like an ass and feeling guilty that I slept with the jerk two weeks ago who didn't deserve me but can't be available for a great guy.
Is it you? No, its not you. I am being told time and again that there is someone for everyone. Maybe this is not where YOUR someone is at, maybe you are getting jaded . The bottom line, I truly believe we all KNOW within the first few minutes if we would be able to grow intimately with another. So unless you are looking for a friend, or sex is not important....the chances are most people want a relationship that includes that "PHYSICAL" Chemistry and we JUST KNOW, if it is there or if it isn't.
But then again, I am just one person...and my experiences could be totally unique.
My overall point is: for whatever reason it happens, it DOES happen to ALL of us.
Can't please everyone.
In any case, if you still decide that you can't just take this site as part entertainment and who knows maybe one day...If it really is bothering you that much and you choose to leave, then I wish you luck. You will find your someone. We all will. It just won't happen when and where we want it to happen.
Good luck. | |
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| Rejected after the first date?
Posted: 3/15/2008 3:57:58 AM |
In the last three years I have been meeting women, every first date ended nicely. But two days later I'd get the call or e-mail saying "You are a great guy but I didn't feel the spark. Good luck."
Wow!!! You get an email?? The women I've dated doesn't even have the courtesy to do that. They figure the silent treatment is the best way to say F-off. Gutless wenches. 
You don't know anything about the other person after one date. There is still a lot to learn before you can determine whether they are good enough to continue
We live in an "instant" world ... like fast food drive-thru or one hour drycleaning. If there's no immediate "spark", then it's all over ... onward to fresh meat. It's sad, but that's the truth.   | |
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| Rejected after the first date?
Posted: 3/15/2008 4:07:21 AM | You know, that is the reason I really believe in knowing the person first online and not jumping to meeting immediately. By the time you have the first date, you will have known each other somehow and if you still think there is no connection, your contacts with each other by words through internet and telephone were faulty. Believe me, there is a way of knowing a person online. Specially if your contacts are regular.
There is something to be said about connecting online first before meeting in person. The pitfalls of a blind date is somehow partly overcome. Granted I dated only a select few, and not unless I was sure, and it is really my choice but 'knock on wood' I have not encountered a no spark date. At least there was a little chemistry there to aim for more. I believe in the quality of dates. I also believe in strong instincts.
Meeting immediately is not my thing. I tried it once and it was just for the sake of meeting. It did not work. I felt I was leading someone on. Gave a false hope just because I agreed to meet.
I would suggest that you leave your profile on. You never know something may happen to have a turn around in your luck. Gals are not all the same. Just do not spend too much time on fishing. Let them come to you. And they will! | |
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| Rejected after the first date?
Posted: 3/15/2008 4:35:24 AM |
Before we say goodnight he immediately says that he wants to see me again. After a few days i email him to say that i had wondered where he went and that i missed the daily contact we had. He said that he had a great time but i wasn't the "perfect connection" he was looking for. I think if they are not sure if they want to see you again, they shouldn't mention it at the end of the date.
I agree 'sweetthing66', Why would a guy tell you he wants to see you again and ask permission to call again and then dump you? Thats childish! If hes not interested, he just needs to head on down the road with out the end of the date lie! There are plenty of other fish in the sea. | |
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| Rejected after the first date?
Posted: 3/15/2008 4:46:54 AM | | i totally agree with you op,too many are looking for that physical chemistry..sparks can develop after taking the time to get to know a person.i believe that's why it's so difficult to meet the right one..we may have but have let that person slip through our fingers..it's a shame..i mean even when you meet people at work,you're not necessarily interested in them even on a friendship level in the beginning....until you start working with them and chatting with them.what is wrong with dating someone a few times and if you got along on the first initial date?..nothing more then a friendship may develop but heck,it may be worth the effort if you're out meeting new people constantly. | |
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| Rejected after the first date?
Posted: 3/15/2008 5:02:13 AM | wow.
how true this is...but a reminder that we live in a world full of shallow people and no matter how much you communicate before the actual date that first impression, those first words, that first look, some times can make or break ya.
I can feel ya here, just recently went out on a first time meet-n-greet with a fella I had been chatting with for some time...we hit it off communication wise but when we met I was sitting with my back facing the door and when I turned around the look of dread over his face was priceless(more painful...really!)...he sat and we chatted and things went very south. I knew this guy was just there to be kind but...wow...ya know that ya know...and you can feel rejection AND you can feel aceptance...
With this paticular situation I sent the email...his responce was cordial and amazingly he did respond!
I wonder...do we read too much into 1st meetings? do we expect more than we ought? why is this any differnt and yet we except it when we meet someone on our own turms it is ok to be nervious and jittery and make mistakes. Yet it doesn't seem exceptable here...interesting.
well hang on...this too shall pass! | |
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| Rejected after the first date?
Posted: 3/15/2008 5:03:21 AM | I have been on countless first dates and out of those, less than a handful would progress onto second dates. That's just the way it is and I've learned to accept it.
If a woman tells me that she didn't feel "sparks" or "chemistry" after the first date, more often than not, I suspect what she's really saying is that she is simply not physically attracted to me. Lots of people (men and women alike) need to have that overwhelming instant attraction right off the bat, or nothing is going to happen. I don't agree with that thinking, but again I've learned to accept it as a way of life. Feel bitter all you want, but the world ain't gonna change anytime soon.
It's gotten to a point where I'm just tired of all the one-daters. I move on to focus my attention on other aspects of my life, but still leaving my profile up. I have always believed in the "lottery theory", that everyone who's ever won the lottery has at least one thing in common: that they have at least bought one ticket for the draw. I had my profile up on this and another site, and those were my lottery tickets. Long story short, my ticket was drawn just when I wasn't looking.
So OP, take this for what it's worth. We've all been there and done that. Finding the right one takes time, and having a negative attitude is one of the worst thing you can do. | |
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| Rejected after the first date?
Posted: 3/15/2008 5:10:03 AM | Well you never know, I had a date with a guy, we talked for 2 weeks on the phone had a lot in common, met...... he was a doll !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
He spent 2 hours telling me how wonderful he was: banger: Guess what a bucket of water hit that spark.
But I don't think people on here take dating seriously, i think there is always another fish around the corner,,,,,Shame. | |
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| Rejected after the first date?
Posted: 3/15/2008 6:28:28 AM | I go into the first meeting too with the idea that i am just meeting someone who seems interesting to me. They don't have to be the man i want to spend the rest of my life with. There is no way most people (not matter what they say)can tell if they found their soulmate in a few hours. That really is some fairy tale that the movies have got us to believe. I think you can tell if you have a genuine interest. You're not as relaxed or maybe not as much yourself as you would be on the second date.
I am looking for a job now too and i have made that connection. Right fit, right feel, i want this job to be my last just like my relationship. No more ex's in either one. ..... | |
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| Rejected after the first date?
Posted: 3/15/2008 6:32:20 AM | Great comments by everyone on this. I was a little hasty in saying that 'sparks' are BS.
There should be an interest (attraction) for things to proceed. But I find 'sparks" are not the best word. From my last experience, very similar to "togo75" s, My impression was: she's good looking, nice features, but not what I really like, (eyes, smile, teeth..etc.) But could I see myself with her? I watch her eyes, the squint, the way she tilts her head, the way she occasionally touches her . Body language...you know?
So, say about a half an hour later, I SLOWLY feel that I kind of l i k e her. It progressed from...gee, I dunno...to hmmm, yeah, she's OK, (hope she feels attraction too)....good.
After I l i s t e n e d to her words, my feelings faded backwards to "I dunno", and ultimately ...nah! After the date was over, I knew that there was nothing there for either of us after all. I wasn't interesting to her either. But, it was a date and as another wisely mentioned the "lottery ticket"...you can't hope to win if you don't buy one! | |
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| Rejected after the first date?
Posted: 3/15/2008 6:39:02 AM | I am going to be very honest. I have used the no sparks, no chemistry line. I say it because I don't want to say how much I dislike the hair growing out their nose, or the twitch in their left eye, or that they snort when they laugh, or all those other superficial things that seem so trivial, but are actually important.
When I got back into dating, I had some close male friends go on pseudo dates with me and then give me an honest critique of why they wouldn't be interested in a second or third date. There a things we just don't see about ourselves. I'm not going to tell you what some of my problems were (kind of embarrassing), but as soon as I was made aware of them, and corrected them, my social life blossomed. | |
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| Rejected after the first date?
Posted: 3/15/2008 6:39:09 AM | I think that it was great that you at least gave her a chance and time to get to know her a little. It shows respect.
After my date he grabbed my hand and was almost glued to my side. We had talked for 4 hours. He was a perfect gentleman and had not spent the time with me to get laid. There was chemistry there and we both felt it. He also mention during the date that his sister had mentioned that he only dates "safe" women. Ones he can't lose his heart too. I guess it wasn't all bad because i had a great date and i did learn something. It really is a crap shoot. | |
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| Rejected after the first date?
Posted: 3/15/2008 6:44:01 AM |
You don't know anything about the other person after one date.
You know enough to know whether or not you are attracted to them.I don't know you obviously but perhaps you were annoying to these women.Perhaps they found you to be an arrogant , pompous windbag and were just waiting for the date to end to get away from you.Then again maybe they just found you physically unappealing. | |
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| Rejected after the first date?
Posted: 3/15/2008 7:25:35 AM |
One reason can very well be physical attractiveness. Even if that person seems nice with all the great personal attributes, physical chemistry might not be there for the woman.
Yeah, if you don't look like Brad Pitt or some other hollywood hunk, you can forget it. lol. Alot of people, in my opinion, are WAY to stuck on looks these days. | |
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| Rejected after the first date?
Posted: 3/15/2008 7:34:45 AM | Well maybe they was just out for a free meal its happened to the Zipp before, so now I always make the lady pay on the 1st date, works a treat because they are waiting for you to return the favour and always get a second date.
Try it, it might work and at least you get the freebie if not, not them
Good luck mate
THE ZIPP | |
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| Rejected after the first date?
Posted: 3/15/2008 8:11:48 AM | | Maybe the first meeting should be an inexpensive one-coffee, a glass or two of wine. Then if it doesn't work out you don't feel cheated. I always offer to pay and have, if they insist I don't argue. If i had a good time, i offer to treat the next time. I don't think women are looking for how much you are going to spend on them, anyways the ones you want to know. I always bring enough money to pay for myself and the person i am meeting. Sometimes the simplest dates are the best. | |
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| Rejected after the first date?
Posted: 3/15/2008 8:32:14 AM | I disagree.
I have met several women in my life where that first meeting is just incredible. One, was an accidental meeting. Not even a planned date.
Clicking, chemisty - call it whatever you like.
The conversation just flows easily. Everyone at ease. There is no need for anyone to feel guarded. At the end of the meeting neither one of you wants the time together to end.
I will agree that not everyone 'clicks' on the first date and could grow such a connection from more meetings.
However, there is no substitute for the incredible feeling that one, or more accurately two, can feel when you have such a connection. | |
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| Rejected after the first date?
Posted: 3/15/2008 8:33:44 AM | | Unless there is an obvious dealbreaker about a man ( such as being completely unattractive, rude, boring etc ), I would go out with a man 2-3 times before making a decision. I think there should be chemistry, but it doesn't need to be instant chemistry. Sometimes chemistry can begin to develop during the 2nd or 3rd date. Some people can initially be nervous or shy at the beginning of the first date. Then they gradually become more comfortable when they start to know the other person better. Some people can be very picky. They will reject someone because a minor reason. In that case, you wouldn't want to be with that person anyways. If they are picky about who they date, chances are they are very picky about other things. | |
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| Rejected after the first date?
Posted: 3/15/2008 8:41:14 AM | I agree with you, MsFitness. I prefer to go on several dates to get to know the person. And different stuff, too--not just dinner, but walking, hiking, a museum, even fishing! One of my dates consisted of the two of us going to a feed store and picking up grain for our horses...not everyone's idea of a great time,but we had fun!
The item that will stop me dead in my tracks is dishonesty. The profile says "divorced," I find out he is married. The profile says 47, my date arrives in a van that says, "Happy Valley Retirement Village and Nursing Home." He's 75, by the way. What, didn't think I wouldn't notice? I start thinking, if he can't be honest about these items, what else is he lying about? I know women pull the same stunts--I've heard some wild stories. If I catch a whiff of dishonesty, I won't accept a second date. | |
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| Rejected after the first date?
Posted: 3/15/2008 8:53:47 AM | | i agree, sometimes they know after a cup of coffee for half an hour, within that short time i havent even had a chance to say anything, on the other hand, many a time i have wanted to go before i got out of the car..lol.. | |
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| Rejected after the first date?
Posted: 3/15/2008 9:06:57 AM | | Funny, I've have the opposite experience where I did not feel immediate chemistry with the guy, but liked him was very open to seeing him again. He pushed me to know right away if I felt an attraction. I told him it was too soon to know. So he moved on (which is totally fine--I dont' like to be put on the spot). Most people look for that instant chemistry, though for me, sometimes it takes a little while to develop, because I also look for character. People who like to take their time seem to be at a disadvantage on the internet where so many people are looking for instant relationships. Instant chemistry is great, but sometimes it can blind you to a person's faults. In real life you meet people through shared activities and take a long time to get to know them. Dating is a natural progression of a friendship. On a dating site, we are forced to make snap decisions--it's a little pressured. | |
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| Rejected after the first date?
Posted: 3/15/2008 9:19:17 AM | Unless there is an obvious dealbreaker about a man ( such as being completely unattractive, rude, boring etc ), I would go out with a man 2-3 times before making a decision.
I wish more people had this attitude. It seems like a lot of people will reject someone just because there isn't instant chemistry. Sometimes there isn't instant chemistry because the 2 people don't know each other well enough or because like cg789 stated some people can be nervous or shy at first. One time I met a woman for only 10-15 minutes because both of us were busy with prior committments. I emailed her a few days later and she replied "there was no chemistry".
Maybe that was code for "I'm not attractive to you". The ironic thing was that I had used recent and accurate picturess of myself. She stated that I was attractive in my pictures. I realize that some people can look better/worse in person that they do in some pictures. But I doubt a person is that reasonably attractive in recent and accurate pictures would be completely unattractive in person. She had used a somewhat deceptive face shot that hid some excess body fat. But I was still willing to see her another time before making any decision on her.
Some people can be very picky. They will reject someone because a minor reason. In that case, you wouldn't want to be with that person anyways. If they are picky about who they date, chances are they are very picky about other things.
On another thread, I was attacked for basically stating the same thing. Sometimes there isn't a second date because person who did the rejecting is very picky. People are entitled to reject someone for any reason, but sometimes they will be turning down a potentially great match because of a very small reason. | |
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