| Rejected after the first date?
Posted: 3/15/2008 9:41:19 AM | Snake: very well said. I read your profile too, very nice.
We really do put way too much pressure on ourselves for these meets.
I wish it could be like high school again...haha, does that sound lame, or what?
It seems things were just a little more laid back, then. Now it's all the complicated stuff, separations, divorces, kids, step-kids...so on. Plus, I will admit that I think about how many years are behind me and I feel as though, I'd better hurry up, 'cause I don't want to be alone when I'm an old fart! | |
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| Rejected after the first date?
Posted: 3/15/2008 1:36:08 PM | ReadyToGo75,
When I read your posting I had to look twice because it is so similar to one I had posted earlier questioning this thing called “chemistry” that people seem to use to determine whether or not they are interested after only 1 date. I’ve only been dating for a little less than 2 yrs since my divorce but my experiences are very similar to yours. I see someone on POF, trade several emails, maybe chat via IM & talk on the phone a time or 2 & then arrange for a 1st date. The date (from all indications) seems to go very well but like you stated … a day or 2 later I usually get an email from the person starting off by saying telling me I’m a great guy but … they don’t feel the connection & wish me well. Like you said … I simply don’t get it.
What I’ve decided to so is to stop questioning what is going on with the other person & work on not letting those kinds of situations frustrate me. I also have lowered my expectations dramatically. Instead of hoping to meet my soul mate or someone I could potentially start a long-term relationship with … my plan is to enjoy the moment & not look beyond that 1st date. I seriously doubt that these changes will have any impact on my dates but my hope is they will minimize the frustration I feel when the rejection occurs.
I guess my point here is if these kinds of situations bother me it’s because I’m letting them. I working on changing that.
Good Luck!
Gary | |
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| Rejected after the first date?
Posted: 3/15/2008 1:46:01 PM | Well maybe they was just out for a free meal its happened to the Zipp before, so now I always make the lady pay on the 1st date, works a treat because they are waiting for you to return the favour and always get a second date.
Try it, it might work and at least you get the freebie if not, not them
Good luck mate
THE ZIPP
zippythehippy
ps best way is to pretend you lost your wallet!!
Any you ladies fancy a meal? On me?
The Z | |
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| Rejected after the first date?
Posted: 3/15/2008 3:04:01 PM | It seems to be a silly notion some, if not most, women have. They want to feel this "knight in shining armor on a white horse" spark. They want to be saved from life's everyday boredom by having a story book, soap opera, or romantic movie instant love whammy.
People, and women especially, are, for the most part, looking for that elusive something that makes them tingle and feel the sensations of sensual elation.
Rejection has happened to me a few times on the first date, or rather coffee shop get together. Don't worry about it. There are plenty of fish in the sea. They're hard to find and among the few, but sensible practical women are out there. I've met a few and we're still friends. | |
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| Rejected after the first date?
Posted: 3/15/2008 3:13:40 PM | Never expect too much on a first date. 90percent of first dates don't work out to get a second, thats just the way it is.
Treat it as a numbers game, out of all the women you meet, it only needs to be one that clicks to make it all worthwhile | |
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| Rejected after the first date?
Posted: 3/15/2008 3:26:42 PM | | Zippythehippy is the exact reason i always insist on separate checks as soon as the waitress takes the order.Just go dutch and save everyone some trouble. | |
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| Rejected after the first date?
Posted: 3/15/2008 3:37:40 PM | | Hey luvy, don't be put off. think of it as experence and carry on dating, just have fun. women can feel the pressure too. i've had guys try to ge me into bed too soon. You are right though people give up too soon. | |
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| Rejected after the first date?
Posted: 3/15/2008 3:46:58 PM | Meet as soon as possible; before the other person has a chance to create some unrealistic image in their heads about what you might be like. Sending endless e-mails back and forth, then endless phone calls, can do that.
Instead, meet after a couple of e-mail exchanges (if you both have any interest at all). If nothing else, at least you will not of wasted to much time, when they see you and don't like you. | |
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| Rejected after the first date?
Posted: 3/15/2008 3:54:00 PM |
Try not to get jaded because you'll have approach dating with a big wall up. What woman is gonna climb that one?
Just look at it like finding a job. No matter how many 'no's you receive, you still have to bring your A-game to every interview. And later down the line, you'll realize that half the jobs you didn't get weren't right for you anyway. | |
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| Rejected after the first date?
Posted: 3/15/2008 5:32:09 PM | I'd have to agree with the few posters who said they'd prefer to go out with someone 2-3 times before making a decision. By the time I've chatted with someone online/phone for a few weeks, I know if they're someone I might be compatible with (and the incompatible ones don't ever get to a first meeting). Of all the women I've met online, there was really only one who misrepresented herself enough that I didn't want to see her again. Everyone else, I've at least tried to ask out again. To contrast, the woman I met online who I spent the longest time dating told me at one point that she thought I'd never call her for a second date (and yes, I wasn't too thrilled after the first date ... I don't recommend women playing with the food on their guy's plate, and there were other odd moments).
<div class="quote">But two days later I'd get the call or e-mail saying "You are a great guy but I didn't feel the spark. Good luck."
LOL. As a couple of others have said, they're actually polite enough to respond to you?!? With a few exceptions (e.g. when they actually do want to see you again), I usually don't hear from them again.
Oh wait, there was the one who told me she'd get back to me in a few days. When she got back to me two days later, she said she'd met another guy from online in the day between and had decided she'd rather date him. All I could think was, doesn't that defeat the purpose of dating? One day I might be good enough, and the next it was someone else? She was divorced about a year and hadn't been on a date since before she'd married. You'd think she'd want to look around a bit. I'm kind of glad I avoided that one. | |
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| Rejected after the first date?
Posted: 3/15/2008 10:56:48 PM | written by hank:
"Meet as soon as possible; before the other person has a chance to create some unrealistic image in their heads about what you might be like. Sending endless e-mails back and forth, then endless phone calls, can do that."
You are so RIGHT! I am a writer and as such, I get really windy in messages and like to continue correspondence back and forth. That is a big mistake. I can attest to it by actual experience here on POF.
The same goes for telephone conversations. I spent a good portion of my life as a sales person and in sales type of self owned businesses where conversation was an instrumental ingredient in every aspect of my vocations. Here too: it is a mistake.
Just like Hank says: get to physical meeting as soon as acceptable and go from there if you are serious about establishing a relationship. Otherwise, you just waste your time. Women love mystery. It's best not to let it all hang out too soon. And even if you are rejected after the first date upon quickly coming together without lots of messages and phone calls, you find out quickly, and keep from wasting time writing and talking over the telephone.
For me, however, writing back and forth and talking long periods of time over the telephone is not a waste of time because (1) I enjoy writing and (2) I enjoy listening and talking. But, again, neither method is conducive to establishing relationships on POF. | |
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| Rejected after the first date?
Posted: 3/16/2008 2:15:41 AM | hmm i dont know but i always go by that spark on the first date. Sure there are those romances that start slowly - say in an office with someone who you may even deem not so attractive at the start but as you get to know them the relationship develops into something very sweet and satisfying
i think its all about the poker chips you reckon you have. Tall successful men have more poker chips to play with than say a shorter guy who has to play and try harder with women . Beautiful confident women have more poker chips and usually choose someone of equivalent attractiveness or power alternative
its unfair it sucks but thats they way it is.If a female thinks she can be choosy she will be choosy until she is meets her match or someone who knocks her back
also if a man was attractive and successful with girls when he was younger will continue to have unrealistic goals when meeting women in his 40s - bald and flabby - he still thinks he can get that big beautiful blonde over there
sparks in online dating is the way of the times unfortunately - if you want a slow sizzle go to dance lessons and get to know women over the weeks of the course or join a walking group ..learn to cook or whatever...
in the online world of dating its a harsh reality - if you dont sizzle and pop straight away - theres always another chance at the pc later that night
fickle | |
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| Rejected after the first date?
Posted: 3/16/2008 3:20:11 AM | I think it's a natural initial reaction to be mad/insulted when people reject us. " Clearly something MUST be wrong with you if you don't want me. " It's all our egos. When I read a profile that stresses so much on what the guy doesn't want as opposed to what he does want, I wonder who hurt him and in what form will he make other women pay.
If I catch you not just lying but lying about stuff I didn't even ask you about, you just volunteered it, that suggests something going on with you that is not likely going to change in 3 or 4 more dates. If the very thing that has turned me off is that which I cannot see, why then do I need to see you? It is cruel, disingenuous, and a waste of time to ignore the early signals. | |
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| Rejected after the first date?
Posted: 3/16/2008 5:01:53 AM | A spark is a spark is a spark.....and it does happen sometimes.
It is whether or not I can picture myself being with that person, and it doesn't take long to realize.
As far as the rejected part, we all get rejected at times in our lives. The secret is to be OK with being alone. Once you are OK being alone, rejection can easily be viewed as "their loss", and you go fishing. | |
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| Rejected after the first date?
Posted: 3/16/2008 6:14:21 AM | (The secret is to be OK with being alone. Once you are OK being alone, rejection can easily be viewed as "their loss", and you go fishing. )
I like that idea, well said loveorgegon. I think maybe not interesting the other person may have saved us alot of grief. You can't make them like you but in the meantime enjoy being single and go out and have a great time. | |
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| Rejected after the first date?
Posted: 3/16/2008 7:23:34 AM |
Forgive me for saying so but there is absolutely no way you can feel a spark with someone on the first date unless
I agree 100%,unless you `ve known this person for a very long time and know from the beginning that there won`t be a spark and you meet as friends .Both parties need to be on the same page when this happens.Unfortunatly thats not always the case. | |
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| Rejected after the first date?
Posted: 3/16/2008 7:27:46 AM | | There are many things on a first date which will make or break a chance for a second one. Maybe it was something you said or didn't say. Maybe it was the way you ate your food. It could have been a million tiny things. With so many FISH out there, we've all become extremely picky. We pick people apart so much so that there isn't a second date. When you really hit it off with someone then a second date is pretty much in the bag. Chances of that happening are 1 date to every 10. It's a rough world out there in the dating scene. Trust me you're having just as much trouble finding a keeper as the rest of us are. The main factor is not giving up hope.....It'll happen when you least expect it. (so I've been told) And one more thing.......YES you can experience a major SPARK with someone you've just met. It's happend to me a couple of times where I felt like I'd known this person forever and the reaction was mutual. Those meetings are hard to come by however, they do exist. | |
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| Rejected after the first date?
Posted: 3/16/2008 8:09:13 AM | | Don't get down on yourself champ.you just need to look at what your doing and saying on a date,stop being a total nice guy,be polite but be mysterious,interesting,just a little distant,takes no shit,compliment her on her taste of clothing,smile ,those are the things you want to leave them with,it makes you stand out from all the boring suck ups she's been through.women know if their interested in you within 3 minuits,and if your walking toward them, they know at 50 feet if their interested,by the time you get to her your either on the mabey pile,or forget it pile,but if your lucky, your well dressed,have a sensible walk,a half decent smile,then she'll give you a chance.you got to look at whats making you a friend and not 'potential lover',don't try to be her friend or seek her approval,shes got enough friends,she doesn't need another one.thats where the physical chemistry comes in,thats where you've got to build that sexual tension,by the vibes you give off,don't just plunk your ass down and gab,,good luck | |
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| Rejected after the first date?
Posted: 3/16/2008 8:19:01 AM | I agree with cinderella2008...
Maybe it's something you did or didn't do..
I always get a second date if I want one.
The only exceptions are when I flat out refuse to put out any sex...
And thats because I don't want another date with that person... | |
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| Rejected after the first date?
Posted: 3/16/2008 8:32:30 AM | Anyone who believes that chemistry on the first date is BS hasn't experienced it. Oh, that ICK factor is all too real too.....one never forgets that one.
Rejection is never fun, but it's just part of it. Learn from it and move on, honest feedback from these women would be helpful. But, most women (me included) don't want to hurt the man's feelings with telling him whatever the physical or personality traits were that were such a turn off. | |
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| Rejected after the first date?
Posted: 3/16/2008 9:17:15 AM | | don't you know that its okay for some women to make that assumption, but not okay for a man to decide that about a female. just find another woman, you will be fine. | |
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| Rejected after the first date?
Posted: 3/16/2008 9:19:09 AM | I didn't even get the first date. We talked on the phone and online - seemed to have common interests and got along well. He talked me into coming out to this party he was going to. I drove 15 miles to meet him - he took 1/2 a glance at me and crinkled up his face. Said I look nothing like my picture, but wouldn't elaborate on what he thought was different. My picture was recent and I look exactly - no I look BETTER than my picture. He mumbled an apology and drove off. I cried all the way home because I was so mad. I decided then that I was through with the whole online dating thing. I removed my photos and revised my profile.
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| Rejected after the first date?
Posted: 3/16/2008 10:21:00 AM | Had to respond to this one - being that I have been that woman who didn't go past the "1st date". And I may have even said that it was because there was no spark. But there were varied reasons why, and that was the kind way to let him know.
One man had such terrible teeth, that I knew even if he was the kindest person on the planet, I personally couldn't get past that. I'm not talking just a few crooked teeth, really bad dental hygiene.
One told me on the 1st meeting (didn't put it in his profile) that he had full custody of 4 children under 10. Mine are grown and I personally don't want to be in that position.
One kept bringing up his ex wife and the alimony he had to pay - on our 1st date.
The point I'm trying to make is, that there were likely very good reasons (to her) why she decided not to waste your time, knowing that there was something that just wouldn't work for her. I think perhaps some of them were just trying to be kind.
On the flip side, if any of them had gone along on a few more dates and then ended things, you may have felt that they took advantage if you had spent money on additional dates. No point in continuing the contact if they just know it's not right for them. I would hope to get the same from men I meet. | |
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| Rejected after the first date?
Posted: 3/16/2008 11:40:56 AM |
Forgive me for saying so but there is absolutely no way you can feel a spark with someone on the first date
How about we change the word "spark" to "attraction", which is essentially the same thing.
Would you say there is no way you can feel an attraction on the first date? | |
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