| Rejected after the first date?
Posted: 3/17/2008 12:12:53 PM | | sorry to disagree but a spark is immediate. if the spark aint there it aint there. a few dates might build affection but not a spark. thats why its a spark. | |
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| Rejected after the first date?
Posted: 3/17/2008 12:13:02 PM | Maybe the expectations by each participant was somewhat ....different.
The more casual the better the first meet I have found. Unless you have talked on here for 6 months.... | |
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| Rejected after the first date?
Posted: 3/17/2008 12:13:26 PM | OP,
I would strongly urge you to not give up the fight, unless you intend to take your act to the streets live but something tells me it's not the case here. Online dating is cut-throat at best. The selection is so high. The control people have to weed out the ones that aren't as desirable as the next is ridiculous. There are women I'd meet in public and agree to meet for at least a coffee thinking there is a little bit of attraction there and if those same women contacted me on here I'd probably say meh and thank them for the offer but move on. Why? Not because I'm shallow. It's because you set expectations and standards and unfortunately we are given so much to evaluate here. If you accepted every offer from every person on this site some people would have dates stacked up four high per night! Or more! It's just not feasible. So you pick and choose those you want out of the lot and go from there. This is why I prefer face-to-face dating. I prefer meeting people in stores and social venues. They need to sit down with you over a coffee, a drink, or an activity and actually get to know you before they make their decision on what kind of person you are. You are given the chance to impress upon them, and vice versa. Here online they look at your picture and alot of times that's as far as the assessment goes, and if there is someone who is better looking than you, or has a bit more to offer on paper that they are willing to tell the person through their profile then your profile is tossed aside quickly. And let's be honest....there's ALWAYS someone more attractive out there, and NO ONE divulges everything in a profile. Profiles don't even begin to scratch the surface, and I doubt anyone would put something negative about themselves on their profile, aside from something very minor like "I am not a tidy person" or "if you are looking for promptness I'm the wrong one...I'm always late". But no one says "I've got a $100 a day coke habit and love long walks on the beach".
OP My suggest to you is keep plugging away here but concentrate your efforts in real life. Also try attending some of the events listed on here in your area, or join a singles club in your area. They are everywhere and usually they are just a group that organizes social gatherings that are really casual and pressure-free. If something comes out of it it does, but otherwise you make some good friends and most often people meet people through others in the group indirectly. Also, something else to consider. You've been on all these first dates and every woman has told you they weren't interested. There's always a common denominator and in this case it's you. It's not the dating site. There is something that these women see that makes them flip you from the dating or sexual category into the friend category. Maybe take a step back and look at yourself and your approach. Ask questions from a woman's point of view. Make a list of all the things women claim to want in a man and try and be as objective as possible in your questioning. Try and answer the questions as if you were someone else answering about you. And if that doesn't yield any results then maybe find one of these women that has befriended you or one that you are really good friends with currently and ask them to be completely frank with you. It could be something as small as a confidence or self-esteem issue, a lack of aggression, poor flirting skills. I've noticed if I'm out with a girl who I was originally attracted to but the spark soon fizzled for whatever reason on my part once I stopped the heavy flirting she soon backed off as well. Maybe your game is weak and they spot that. Looks or status only get you in the door. Personality has to keep a person there.
And for those that say there is no such thing as spark, and especially on a first date, they need to give their heads a shake. One poster, LoveOregon, said it best by reframing it as attraction instead of spark, which is essentially what it is. You are either attracted to the person or you aren't. In time you can learn to like a person and learn to appreciate certain aspects of them, and maybe even become attracted to them but honestly I'm not interested in befriending someone for a year to find out whether I am or am not attracted to them then! My general rule of thumb is three dates. If after three dates I feel absolutely NOTHING for this girl I'm out. And I mean more than a little "she's cute but". If I don't feel a bit of that attraction after the first date I'm usually not looking to come back, unless she's really attractive and I think maybe she's just shy or closed off and I'm willing to give it a good shot at unleashing the beast. But if she's outgoing and/or personable and she laughs heartily and doesn't appear shy and I'm not feeling it I'm done after the initial date. | |
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| Rejected after the first date?
Posted: 3/17/2008 3:11:31 PM | | Well I certainly CAN tell on the first date whether or not I feel anything for the man. And if I don't, there won't be a second date. | |
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| Rejected after the first date?
Posted: 3/17/2008 3:20:11 PM | | Honestly I don’t feel this is the best way to meet people. One issue is trying to find someone who is honest about themselves and the other issue is meeting someone who needs to repack their baggage. As far as the spark goes you'll need a few dates before you can get the direction of the person. Then normally after 3 months you’ll find out who this person really is and wish you never met them. LOL | |
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| Rejected after the first date?
Posted: 3/17/2008 3:27:48 PM | Sparks and Chemistry can be tricky. It really depends on what your goal is. If it is to date and have fun, the sparks should not be primary. You can be kind and not be offensive to a person you don't have any immediate chemistry with.
If your goal is to develop a relationship with a person, then sparks can really get in the way and not allow you to see or take in important information about the other person. Of course we all want to see sparks fly, but what if you discover you have kissed a frog instead of a prince or the wicked witch instead of Cinderella after those sparks have died down? And they WILL die down eventually. So it is best to learn character, discover common interests and let an attraction (if there is going to be one) grow and blossom.
Nari | |
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| Rejected after the first date?
Posted: 3/17/2008 3:33:43 PM | I can tell a lot from the first date.
For example. I can discover if he laughs like a donkey | |
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| Rejected after the first date?
Posted: 3/17/2008 3:52:37 PM | | women don't know how to give it time! it won't happen overnight, you got to give it time don't rush into thing's. | |
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| Rejected after the first date?
Posted: 3/17/2008 3:54:58 PM | | women sure don't like when the shoe is on the other foot but yet it's ok if they it to you not! | |
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| Rejected after the first date?
Posted: 3/17/2008 5:10:15 PM |
I can tell a lot from the first date.
For example. I can discover if he laughs like a donkey
And you don't have to go out on a second date to know whether that's something you can live with!
I used to talk myself into going on dates with guys I deemed okay or nice enough from their profiles and initial e-mails and phone calls, telling myself "You never know." But what I discovered is that I do know, and I learned to listen to my instinct a lot sooner in the process. I'm not looking for nice enough or okay, I'm looking for a good, solid match. And that's just not likely to come along every day--or every date.
But even if I now go out only with those I've deemed strong candidates for the match I'm after, there is still no way to predict ahead of time how you're going to get along in person until you're actually there. What if your date has an objectionable smell? What if you find he or she makes rude remarks about an ex? Or drinks too much? Has a different idea than you do of what amount of physical contact is appropriate for people you've just met? And what if there just is no real attraction once you are finally face to face? There are so many factors that can lead someone to tell you later "There just wasn't any spark there."
You can choose to see that as rejection and furthermore to take it very personally, or you can see it as clearing the way for the one who WILL feel a spark. If the no-spark message happens time and time again, you might also want to think about whether there are things in common in the way those first dates went, and try to figure out what you could have done differently or better. As one poster suggested, it might be worthwhile having a friend go on a pretend date and giving you honest feedback.
Being here and going on dates can be a learning experience you have fun with and that might help get you to your ultimate goal. Or it can be a drag and a series of rejections that make you more bitter every time. It really comes down to how YOU handle it.
--Ms. Flis, stepping down from the soapbox now | |
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| Rejected after the first date?
Posted: 3/17/2008 5:27:56 PM | To the OP, did you actually talk to them over the phone first?
Usually if I do the online dating thing, I chat with someone over the phone a couple of times and I can usually tell if there's any potential in that. For me if I don't feel comfortable in talking to you and vice versa, or if there's uncomfortable pauses, I can tell it won't work.
Yes some of us can tell on the first date if this is worth continuing to pursue. Do I expect full blown chemistry? No but I do want to feel like I want to get to know this person more.
I actually just recently had to tell a guy I wasn't feeling it. I talked to him for a while via email and then we had a couple of phone conversations and just by those 2 conversations alone, I could feel it wouldn't work out. Meeting him was just as ackward as it was talking to him over the phone.
Since I believe that communication is essential in a relationship, I can discern quickly whether a relationship with someone will work out. If I have a hard time feeling comfortable talking to you, then that means it won't work out. | |
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| Rejected after the first date?
Posted: 3/17/2008 6:08:41 PM |
Forgive me for saying so but there is absolutely no way you can feel a spark with someone on the first date unless you have a buildup of static electricity. Like striking a match to get it to light, it might take a few dates before the spark can be found.
I absolutely agree with this. I have never got a second date with anyone I have met online. It is absolutely impossible to determine if there is going to be a spark or not, because both daters are probably nervous and not really themselves on a first date. I myself am pretty wimpy and talk nice and polite with general conversation.
I've been keen for many 2nd or subsequent dates, but usually women are very picky and determine there and then whether they want another date. If it isn't all cloud nine for them, forget it. They expect that instant chemistry/attraction which is unrealistic.
I am realistic to know that you should meet at least a few times to determine if there is anything there, in the real world most people that meet would have probably met each other a few times or got to know each other before the sparks fly.
Also remember in online dating, there are probably 10 guys for every woman, so women can afford to be picky. | |
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| Rejected after the first date?
Posted: 3/17/2008 6:48:06 PM | To me, spark is attraction. The people who invented speed dating know how it works - and it's true, I can pretty much tell within about 8 minutes if I have any physical interest.
Beyond the initial spark, the chemistry is knowing that beyond that attraction you both "click" in other aspects - conversation, level of comfort, personality, mindset, etc...that can also be friendship oriented if there's no attraction.
If I don't first feel the "spark" however, then - what else is there to find out (romantically, anyway)? | |
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| Rejected after the first date?
Posted: 3/17/2008 7:52:37 PM |
there are probably 10 guys for every woman,
About two and a half to one at POF depending on the location and age range.
Anyway, I'd rather a lady just tell me right away she isn't interested, rather then hanging in there to see if my charming personality will win her over. Sure, she might come around after a few dates; but probably not. I'd just as soon she not waste my time by "giving me a chance."
You've got to have physical attraction to have that so called "spark." That spark is important to a lot of people. Nothing wrong with that. It was important to me in my younger days (not so much as I've gotten older).
If you think about it, how often do you meet someone, just going about you daily business, that you find attractive enough to give you that spark? One in ten, perhaps. The odds are probably much worse than that, but I'll be generous and say 1 in 10. That applies to the person you are meeting for a date, also. Mathematically: (10 x 10 = 100). So the odds that both people will find the other attractive on a first date is 1 in 100. Sometimes you get lucky the first try. Usually not.
Don't feel bad about the rejections, OP, well, unless you've been rejected more than 100 times. | |
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| Rejected after the first date?
Posted: 3/17/2008 8:33:42 PM | It never happened to me but what usually happens to me i think is worse. at least those woman are being upfront with you. For me i will go out on 2 or 3 dates with a man and I would develop a real attraction for them then they drop off the face of the earth. no break up note, no calls, no email. I don't get it. I would rather have a man be a real man and tell me to my face that he does not want to date anymore than just ignore me as if my feelings ment nothing. i would rather have a first date rejection then be lead on to believe something is there.
i feel for you though. it sucks being rejected. dating is soooo hard but you look and seem like a very nice man and i am sure the righ woman will show up for you when you least expect it.
I am all for giving someone a second date even if i feel no sparks on the first. The only time I will not if the guy is looney tunes. | |
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| Rejected after the first date?
Posted: 3/17/2008 8:36:01 PM | I have had a few first dates and been rejected a few times, rejected a few myself too.
Rgen I did meet one. Been on a few hundred dates now.
Here are some good rules to guard against rejection after first date.
1 Most important one. live up to your profile. If you buy something you expect 'as advertised' to show up.
2 Hopefully you've chatted and already established a mutual freindship before you 'meet for a coffee' More than just casual. This is where you can really get inside each others head before you even meet. At least you can part freinds. People seem to be more afraid of rejecting than they are of rejection. Whats the big deal "theres just no chemistry' is not an insult.
3 Just be yourself. He/she is going to know you sooner or later. This takes the pressure off of 'tryinf ro make an impression' Usually you end up coming off as 'fake'
when you try to 'be' something. Don't think of all the past failures and rejections - every first date is just that, a 'first' date. | |
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| Rejected after the first date?
Posted: 3/17/2008 8:50:28 PM | Anyone who has gone thru this much rejection obviously needs to take a good look at himself and find out what is going on. Dates are supposed to be fun, with interesting conversation, an upbeat atmosphere so there's an interest in a second time around. If the physical attraction just isn't there, it doesn't matter what else is going on, it's just not gonna work out. 
Pink | |
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| Rejected after the first date?
Posted: 3/17/2008 9:08:42 PM |
Have you ever just felt a lack of attraction or chemistry?
Absolutely. It is rare to meet someone who blows you away at first sight. That has happened a handful of times and not one of those relationships has worked out. While the chemistry was amazing, the character simply wasn't there. That's why I no longer look for fireworks at the outset. If it happens fine but that doesn't guarantee compatibility.
Do you always do a second or third date even though you didn't feel anything?
As long as there is nothing about the guy's appearance that turns me off and as long as there aren't any show stoppers , sure why not. I mean if the guy is unkempt, has poor hygiene, bad manners, or other show stoppers, what is the harm in seeing him again, particularly if you have some interests in common.
women don't know how to give it time! it won't happen overnight, you got to give it time don't rush into thing's.
Actually, it's the men who expect instant attraction. For some guys, if they don't get an instant hard on from the time they look at your photo it's NEXT!! :rolleyes:
Guy's who are that shallow may as well just buy Playboy ever month and fire off e-mails to the centrefolds. Alternatively, perhaps they should go to a lap dancing place, pick up one of the dancers, marry her and live happily ever after. :rolleyes: That way they'll be guaranteed instant sparks. :rolleyes:
Some of these guys really need to get over themselves with their unrealistic expectations. | |
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| Rejected after the first date?
Posted: 3/17/2008 9:21:18 PM | onefunnybabe, you articulated so beautifully everything I wanted to convey. To date, I have only met one person since signing onto this site. I'm averaging two e-mails and two phone calls before determining whether I (we really) want to take it to an in-person first date.
I don't know what people talk about over the phone, but some of what I've picked up on over the phone includes:
1) your 30-something year old daughter lives with you; you have a child under the age of 5 who lives with you; you have a teenager who lives with you; you have a roomate who lives with you (any reason in the world that would make my ever coming to your house for a visit something Wayyyyy down the road if ever;
2) Because of the age of your children, your ex's are understandably VERYYYY much in the picture;
3) We've been talking on the phone ten minutes and you haven't asked me one thing about myself and I can't get a word in edgewise;
4) your speech is slurred and you've made several negative comments about women, your ex's in particular;
5) you profess to "loving" a particular race of exotic women; yet you've let slip racist remarks about other races/nationalities/religions
6) most important of all, you're too out of touch to know that we wouldn't "spark/attract" in person because we have "desparked/detracted" over the phone.
I don't suggest that any of the above things are necessarily bad. I just think someone other than myself would fit better and won't waste a minute more of a guy's time or my own to prove what is already abundantly clear. | |
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| Rejected after the first date?
Posted: 3/18/2008 5:57:02 AM | | I think most of us have been there done that. I've met one guy from the POF site since I joined. He's a super nice guy and I enjoyed the dinner conversation we shared but do I see him as long term partner potential? No, and as much as I will enjoy having him as a friend I don't want to give him the wrong idea about our friendship. I don't want to waste anyone's time by continuing to "date" them yet knowing they aren't the one I want to be with. But flipping the coin over I have also had it done to me. I've been on another dating site for almost 4 years and have gone out on several dates. One in particular stands out. The guy and I had talked in email a couple of times, then moved to instant messages, where we spent hours talking and laughing and just having a nice time getting to know each other. After about a week we moved to telephone conversations. Those went well too so we decided to meet. He drove over 3 hours to have dinner with me. After the initial nervousness where I carried the conversation he was great. We ended the night with him saying he would be coming back the following weekend. He kissed me goodnight and said "I'll call you in the morning". Well, I guess morning never came where he lives because it's been a month and I have yet to hear from him. I called and left him a couple of messages, a text along the way and finally an instant message. I haven't seen him online since the date. It stung at first but now I look at it as his loss. Apparently, I wasn't the one for him. I could look at it in a negative light but I don't. I do wish he had been open enough to let me know but hey it's cool. There is someone out there for me I just have to have faith and be patient. A person can have all the sparks in the world inside them but if the other person isn't feeling the same thing those sparks mean nothing. Good luck with your search. | |
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| Rejected after the first date?
Posted: 3/18/2008 8:15:58 AM | | I would love to have a "after date" assessment interview to get the real info on a first date like on TV. Then you could actually know the Yes, No or why?! | |
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LCB07
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Joined: 1/13/2008
Msg: 147 | |
| Rejected after the first date?
Posted: 3/18/2008 9:15:32 AM | It happens...it's part of dating. It sucks, but it's part of the process. Take some time off, come back if/when you're ready.
For some of us, that spark, the chemistry, is THE most important thing. You can have a great conversation with someone....you can be attracted to them....but the spark is what makes you want to be with them again.
I feel on the first meeting whether I want to see the person again...if I'm lucky they feel it too. If not...NEXT. More fishing. Why go out again to see if there is something that wasn't there the first time? I have enough friends, you have enough friends...why not move to the next person? | |
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| Rejected after the first date?
Posted: 3/18/2008 9:20:29 AM | | You might need two times out, but, I think in general a lot of ppl are just kind of used to being single, at the end of the day, and therefore are "restless" daters, who are looking for like an immediate physical attraction and a half, and if they don't feel that right off the bat -- then they don't want to hang out with you again. | |
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| Rejected after the first date?
Posted: 3/18/2008 9:29:55 AM | I don't know why this is so difficult for many to understand. Those of us who seem to be confident in our dating skills and do well in that arena find it comes rather second nature. I find those people who talk about how there's no such thing as chemistry/spark and/or attraction on a first date are also the same people saying they don't get second dates, or even first ones for that matter and they get rejected a lot. I don't get nervous, well except maybe the few moments RIGHT before I walk into a restaurant or coffee shop to meet a girl but as soon as I see her it all goes out the window.
HikingFitGuy,
Not trying to pick on you dude but you made some comments that I just mentioned above and I see a LOT of on here. [quote"] I have never got a second date with anyone I have met online. and then
I myself am pretty wimpy and talk nice and polite with general conversation. Yes many women like nice guys but when they say nice guys they mean a guy who is not only nice to them AND the wait staff wherever they go but is also confident and funny. Women LOVE confidence but not arrogance. They don't like soft and wimpy and unsure. You can be the best looking guy on the block with the body of Adonis, which I might add you are doing fairly well for yourself in that department, but if you can't carry a conversation AND not talk solely about yourself without asking her lots of questions AND lay off the compliments AND don't act like a **** the whole time and be decisive then it won't matter if you are George Clooney. I'm not even certain the looks alone would get a guy laid a lot!
Women expect sparks and chemistry because they too have busy lives and other people who are emailing them asking for their attention. Why would they want to waste three or four dates with a guy when the first one was a dud and they are not attracted to him. If there is something that intrigues the girl they are more than likely to take a second look and give you the second date option. But honestly a LOT of men I think lack the social skills necessary to date effectively. I'm not a great looking guy and I carry a few extra pounds in the gut. But I rarely have to ask for a second date, or third for that matter, and rarely get rejected or dumped. I date up almost exclusively, and not because I'm an arrogant jerk that refuses to date mediocre women. I think average is beautiful too, but if you go into a restaurant and they've got hamburger platters priced at 7.99 and they are blowing out the Surf and Turf for the same price where is your money going to land? I don't care how much I'm Jonesing for a cheeseburger I'm taking the steak and lobster baby.
It's kind of the same argument as guys with large units. I think most women would agree with me that the majority of men with over-average johnson's are selfish lovers or have erectile/ejaculatory problems, or are completely clueless. There are exceptions to every rule obviously. But take the guys with the average or even a bit below average and I think more often than not you'd find a better lover. I know I'd rather swing a hammer that I can control and manipulate than to try and pound nails with a jackhammer that I can't hold with one hand or concentrate bc it's jumping all over the place. You feel me?
One last thing. Spark or chemistry is what separates people into either the lover or the friend category. If you find yourself befriending a LOT of women you need to re-evaluate your game. | |
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| Rejected after the first date?
Posted: 3/18/2008 9:30:09 AM | Spare me the pity party OP.
Welcome to the world of being single and internet dating.
Hey, at least these girls you actually meet, the jerks in my area are a bunch of ---READ DELETED-- junkies. 
JJ | |
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