| Rejected after the first date?
Posted: 3/18/2008 9:34:22 AM | It is possible for me to lose interest in a man after one date. But I wouldn't make a decision based on "sparks" or "instant chemistry". I would lose interest if he is physically unattractive, a rude jerk, or there was something else about him that is an obvious dealbreaker such him being married or dressing like a scrub ( ripped/dirty clothes etc )
I completely agree. I don't think sparks or instant chemistry on the first date should be a strong indicator of a successful relationship. There were a few times when the first date was great, but I had lost interest in a woman by the end of the second or third date because I realized that we weren't compatible. There were other times where the first date was okay, but not great. But I began to develop a connection with a woman after 2-3 dates because we knew each other better or because one/both people were more comfortable and relaxed. | |
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| Rejected after the first date?
Posted: 3/18/2008 9:46:09 AM | I do agree that sparks can be tricky. I married the woman who, 4 years earlier, my reaction was an exaggerated thumbs down. We became friends, then lovers, then were a married couple, happy for most of the 11 years that we were together. Today, we are friends, living 1.5 miles apart and she is happily married again. We have two great teenagers.
Sparks are overrated sometimes. Still, we meet after a few emails and phone calls. Face to face, we learn more. We CAN make a decision too hastily, but, bottom line, we make decisions about what we want and what we don't want and we move on with life. | |
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| Rejected after the first date?
Posted: 3/18/2008 9:56:53 AM | What is 'right off', when you say that you know 'right off' whether you want a second date or not? I don't date anyone that I wouldn't consider marrying. If I get to the point that I no longer see that person as a marriage interest, it doesn't mean that we will stop being friendly towards each other. It means that we are not dating or romantic in any sense. Maybe I just value people.
I've had quite a few pleasurable dating experiences and, as you can see, I am no Adonis or Denzel. I just go in expecting very little except good company. If we enjoy ourselves, we can talk about doing something again in the future. And if there is mutual chemistry, the joys of a great relationship are limitless. | |
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| Rejected after the first date?
Posted: 3/18/2008 1:29:41 PM | women know within 3 seconds if theres hope for a guy or not. the initial impression will either yea or nay in the first date. what are you talking about? your bad experiences meeting women? your ex'es? if your coming across as negative as you did in this post, it'd be a small wonder why most of these women didn't want more.
The most one should expect is whether or not you can have a second date with the guy/girl in question.
Perhaps one of the questions you should ask your potentials is what are their first date expectations. if they say love at first sight, you pass them by. if their expectations are realistic (just looking to see if theres compatibility for a second date) then that might be a better match for you. | |
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| Rejected after the first date?
Posted: 3/22/2008 7:53:45 AM | I tend to take a long time to get to that first date, so by the time we meet, there's already a pretty strong foundation for keeping on keeping on. This also means I've only had a couple of nasty surprises on PoF. One was a total sociopath, the other just pushed the meeting *way* too hard.
It may not be possible to tell on a fist meet if there's going to be sparks/chemistry/whateveryawannacallit, but it IS possible to tell for sure if there ISN"T going to be. As I state in my profile: bad attitude is a deal breaker for me, big time.
And OPie, at least at this point, you have major attitude issues. Take a break, do a "ME" assessment, and proceed from there.
Good luck!
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| Dating is all about odds and rejection
Posted: 3/22/2008 8:51:57 AM | I am used to it by now. I think that I lost count as well in past decade of dating in terms of the deep six after date one.
At least the silent treatment is less stressful now than the one lady who flat out told me that she only wanted a super tall man and that she had no physical attraction to me.
It no longer affects me because I no longer date. I will meet for coffee or a drink to hang out chat and see if we want to connect after that. I have ZERO expectations anymore when I first meet someone. It does make life easier to deal with and no anger or resentment.
Case in point: last year I was upset over all the rejection last year. This year, I had one meeting so far with a lady from POF. It was nice chat over a cup of coffee. No spark, and she freaked over how bad credit from an ex. So I just chilled out and said ok well good luck with that. Financial responsibility does reflect on character. USUALLY in most cases- A woman who cannot manage her finances usually means that she was a total weak pushover and let an abusive ex take her money and ruin her life OR it means a deeper red flag that she has no self control.
I would love to have a nice new sports car, a beach villa in La Jolla and a giant 60 inch new HDTV but since I do not have cash on hand to buy these things, I dont.
The more I think about how desperate it is to be SINGLE the more I miss out. The key for men is to stop dating and thinking about meeting someone and just live your life to the fullest joy possible. Become a MAGNET of positive energy and naturally you stand the best chance of attracting a decent women to your life eventually. Heck it very may well be a lady that you accidentally bump into while enjoying your HOBBIES or just putting around town. GET OUT and live life.
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| Dating is all about odds and rejection
Posted: 3/22/2008 9:44:56 AM | Mixxalot,
I just exited a marriage that took me from high school till 10 months ago so I'm pretty new to this whole singles game. But I've taken that same mentality of not forcing dating and living life to the fullest and thus allowing things to come to me. I don't actively go to bars with the intention of meeting someone. I admit I did for a brief two month period to get my rocks off and rebel a bit but it got old fast. I met a great woman in the most unlikely of ways and I honestly don't think I'd ever meet someone more perfect in my eyes. But all the dates I snagged in real life I did so nonchalantly. They were usually in passing in a mall or grocery store, a brief glance exchanged, a smile, and then the hello. I found when I forced the issue that it tended to backfire in my face. The women would be pleasant and nice but when I'd ask if they wanted to grab a coffee I'd get the "sorry, I'm not interested" or "I'm actually seeing someone". Most attached people will not initiate flirting and a strong conversation out of the blue so you can be pretty certain if they are talking to you in that circumstance they might be interested in learning more about you. | |
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| Dating is all about odds and rejection
Posted: 3/22/2008 10:06:45 AM | Ok.. to the OP I am sorry that has happened to you often.. but you are not in a minority.. happened to me too..
I have several things I want to ask the OP.. and please don't take this personally.. but.. I wonder if maybe you were trying to date out of your league so to speak.. were these women really women that had it going on?? Are you looking at the more sedate profiles.. or the tammer profiles???
Are you willing to expand your criteria a little??
When I joined POF I had one goal in mind.. and that was to have one good date a month. By a good date I meant the guy was dressed appropriately showed good hygene and was relatively willing to carry on a conversation. That was my criteria..
I am plesantly surprised to say that I have met some amazing men.. and I am seeing some regularly now. But everyone I have met is still a friend too.
I just wonder if maybe you are setting your sights too high or have too high expectations..or if you might be uncounciously choosing women who are unavailable to you for some reason. | |
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| Rejected after the first date?
Posted: 3/22/2008 10:24:54 AM | | You are a very attractive man. You just haven't met the right one. Hang in there. I haven't either and I am swamped with e mails. Physical attraction is important and I know I can tell right away whether it is there or not. But if it isn't, that does not mean there is anything wrong with you... | |
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| Dating is all about odds and rejection
Posted: 3/22/2008 10:56:08 AM |
The more I think about how desperate it is to be SINGLE the more I miss out. The key for men is to stop dating and thinking about meeting someone and just live your life to the fullest joy possible. Become a MAGNET of positive energy and naturally you stand the best chance of attracting a decent women to your life eventually. Heck it very may well be a lady that you accidentally bump into while enjoying your HOBBIES or just putting around town. GET OUT and live life.
It's sort of a real epipany when you realize this - it changes everything. Just like questioning government, religion, and things like this throughout life, it's healthy to question the ideals that society places on you. Namely, the overwhelming idea that we all should not only pair off to be normal, but we should all be depressed when it doesn't happen. Once your mindset travels outside the box, you start wondering if the ones who don't work out aren't for the best. You start to focus more on yourself and notice you REALLY can spend a lot of time and waste a lot of your life looking for something you've been taught that you should look for.
Ironically, once you change your behavior, and turn your focus inward to self improvement and taking the time to really enjoy life and become content with where you are, usually someone comes along who was actually drawn to you BECAUSE you didn't have that needy "couple off" vibe that tends to scare more off than do much good.
But all the dates I snagged in real life I did so nonchalantly. They were usually in passing in a mall or grocery store, a brief glance exchanged, a smile, and then the hello. I found when I forced the issue that it tended to backfire in my face.
Deuce gets it. When you force the issue it puts you at a disadvantage, and gives a total stranger control. It throws off a vibe that others tend to sidestep. It makes them feel as if they may have something you want - regardless of what that is, it's not very laid back, casual, or inviting. You may be single a lot in your life, doesn't do you any good to try and rebel against it so much. Doing so can actually prolong your single status because it repels good people, and because anything that you fight to that extent makes you more frustrated, even miserable, and makes the time you're single seem longer and more painful.
It's no secret that when you stop trying you end up meeting people - that's because when you don't care either way, you're more at peace with yourself and you enjoy life more. Not worrying how every exchange will turn out makes you less stressed out and happier, and that naturally draws more (and different) people to you. | |
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| Rejected after the first date?
Posted: 3/22/2008 11:08:33 AM | | There has to be chemistry and although you may be the nicest guy in the world... If there is no chemistry than there is no chemistry... Unlike what you may believe... You CAN tell that after the first date... Sorry... | |
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| Rejected after the first date?
Posted: 3/22/2008 11:29:38 AM | Well if you aren't getting any second dates, I think it is a failure of how you setup the first date. I ask the girl plenty of interesting questions and have a bit of romantic converstation lined up.
I don't ask her boaring all the time questions such as "so what do you do? blah blah blah" I ask her interesting questions such as
I setup a situation I want to talk about, or things I want her to associate me with and discuss that. For example, "So a few weeks ago I was out with my friend Mikan, we happened to be watching a movie about this couple on a date, I asked her "so what is the most romantic date you've ever been on" she replied "when Damien took me out to the bar and got me drunk" then I ask the girl the following question
"what's the most romantic date you've ever been on"?
I of course have an interesting answer lined up.
This type of converstation is far more interesting than many typical first date quetsions I've seen such as "so what do you do, what do you like.... blah blah blah".
There's nothing wrong with you, but if you keep on going on dates and keep never seeing a second date, I think it involves more about what is happening on the date. | |
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| Rejected after the first date?
Posted: 3/22/2008 12:00:16 PM | .
I see two very obvious problems here.
First, apparently the OP never discusses a second date DURING the first date!! Guess what? She feels YOU have rejected HER. My very first computer match was awesome; we're still good friends. But it was my first date in 34 years. We did connect well on that first date. At the end, I walk her to her car. As she's walking away from the curb, I blurted out, "I sure hope we can do this again. "
When she turned to smile and say yes, there were tears in her eyes.
Second, the OP seems to assume that a second date is some kind of entitlement. His "reasoning" suggests the gal has some sort of obligation to learn everything she can about him. Huh-uh. And that attitude, if conveyed on that first date, is reason enough for her to avoid another one.
If you want to continue, TELL her. If you fear rejection, which may be true here, then why not assume that SHE fears rejection too?
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| Rejected after the first date?
Posted: 3/22/2008 3:31:22 PM | Great discussion and kudos to all fellow POFers on such a tough topic.
I am just thankful to be healthy and live in sunny San Diego. After trips to the midwest and east coast with crappy weather and except for the midwest, rude people, it makes me mellow to be back in San Diego!
I have a date tonight and should be fun as the lady actually replied to my profile and we should enjoy a fine evening of live music and good wine. Based on past lessons, I have zero expectations and just will enjoy making a new friend and good music. | |
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| Rejected after the first date?
Posted: 3/22/2008 4:45:29 PM | I respectfully have to disagree. I think you know from early on whether the person you're having dinner with is someone you can see dating, or not. The spark (or chemistry) has to be there. So much is at play... attraction, ease in talking, shared interests or outlook on life, etc. And who knows why you're attracted to or feel that spark with one and not the other. It just is.
I can usually tell at least 15 minutes into it. And, even if I spent hours with that person, my feelings never change. It's just there, or it isn't.
And, I have to say, if you're getting a phone call or that person is telling you that there wasn't a spark, count yourself lucky. It's a far cry better than the cowards who just disappear and leave you hanging. I'd much rather have someone be honest.
Sharzi | |
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| Rejected after the first date?
Posted: 3/22/2008 5:11:24 PM | did you ever think that maybe just maybe they didnt like you? Thats a womans nice way of saying;
a) you spoke nonstop about yourself
b) you bored the pee outta me
c) you are selfcentered
the spark means nothing. dont be angry at this...have a look at yourself and see what it is you maybe do on a date...its impossible to have that many people make a total bad judgment call and use the 'spark' as the excuse....TRUST ME ITS SOMETHING DEEPER.
i have used the 'no spark' excuse and its usually with men that talk non stop about themselves or have bad breath | |
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| Rejected after the first date?
Posted: 3/22/2008 6:29:36 PM | | I'm the type that doesn't waste a lot of time typing, you meet, you click or you don't, it's as simple as that, but don't let rejection jade you...believe me I know your frustation but keep your chin up...sooner or later you will click and you will feel the spark...until then don't worry cause if you don't feel the spark...she ain't what your lookin for anyways.......and hey, venting is good...i should do more of it! | |
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| Rejected after the first date?
Posted: 3/22/2008 8:32:54 PM | | A spark means everything. Essentially it mean the difference between a fire and no fire. I can't believe we are still having this conversation as IMO the OP was very obviously just looking for attention..... It has been well past a week and profile still found. As I said earlier... it does not take a week to leave POF. It is like the boy crying wolf. | |
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| Rejected after the first date?
Posted: 3/22/2008 8:41:57 PM | | physical attraction is very important for chemistry to developed a spark...without the physical attraction why bother going any further? | |
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| Rejected after the first date?
Posted: 3/22/2008 9:13:04 PM | | This is exactly why a first meet should be just that. A first meet, not a date. That way, there are no real expectations on either end. I've had plenty of first meets that I thought went well, and then POOF - you don't hear from them again or you do hear from them again and they act more like friends. It's all a part of online dating. Not saying it doesn't stink, but it goes with the territory, I'm afraid. | |
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| Rejected after the first date?
Posted: 3/22/2008 9:24:46 PM | Ready
I agree
But it goes both ways, Men do it to.
People mightnt be right re dating but they could be good friends, tho its cya next so even a good friendship cant be made as that takes time to build as well. | |
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| Rejected after the first date?
Posted: 3/22/2008 9:30:53 PM | Makes you wanna be the one to reject them later doesn't it..........like in love potion #9....the movie.   | |
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| Rejected after the first date?
Posted: 3/22/2008 10:44:40 PM |
not just a member: " As I said earlier... it does not take a week to leave POF."
Unless he wants to see the responses. Why else would he post the issue here? Duh.
I have been one of the most critical of him here, but: Pot, Kettle, Black. | |
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| Rejected after the first date?
Posted: 3/23/2008 2:49:32 AM | | anyone ever notice the women in here, are basically on her side, and admit its all about superficial reasons and whether or not you look "HOT". But they are right, shes probably just stuck up and it has NOTHING at all to do with chemistry or being a 'match" | |
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| Rejected after the first date?
Posted: 3/23/2008 2:56:08 AM | Well i agree you have to be physicaly attractive to the person to want to carry on further dates | |
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