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| How to deal with feeling replaced
Posted: 3/18/2008 1:02:51 AM | Steve I hear you.... just remember that you will always be their dad....kids know this...you have to ensure you spend quality time with them and reinforce your parental status.
I am unsure myself some days.... my Ex has moved on fast too...right now he is dating a refugee from Africa...she is 26....he is 50 and he has insisted that our girls accept his new GF. The children are rather confused and are not happy about being reprimanded for not being nice enough.
no win situation for children....so remember it may not be a comfortable situation for your children...they just don't want to make waves and cause upset to their Mom or her friend. | |
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| How to deal with feeling replaced
Posted: 3/18/2008 2:25:51 AM | | You will always be theor dad, nothing will change that. I do understand how you feel though. When my ex moved...with an 18 year old (he was 31 at the time) I saw some photos of her holding my daughter! At the time I wasnt even aware that my daughter had met her! Seeing this young girl holding my daughter made me feel abit strange too. But at the end of the day, I am my daughters mother, nobody will replace me! | |
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| How to deal with feeling replaced
Posted: 3/18/2008 4:56:05 AM | Steve,
Brother, I know it's hard. I only figured the former rather than the latter because you still seem somewhat attached - and that's only normal. I don't mean just to her - but to the idea of family being together, as well. We both know that we can't control the decisions of other people, merely our own reactions.
Life is about 10% what happens to us, and about 90% what we do about it. Focus on what you can do, and strive toward acceptance. I think it's rather admirable that you own up to your own issues here, and that's half the battle. I know how frustrating things can be, as I was in the same boat until I got custody of my two boys. Since we divorced, she's been married 4 more times, and once before me. 6 times at the ripe age of 33. Joan Collins look out! haha But this isn't about me, it's your situation at hand.
When *you* feel comfortable with it, try spending some time getting to know him. It can help in a few ways - first, you may be more comfortable with him being around (and I think it's great that your kids have been able to do things since he's been around that they'd have never gotten to do with just her). Second, if you are on friendly or good terms with him, he's not just getting her side of the story and you may get someone in your corner in the household - which could result in more time with the kids. Even if it's you coming over for a BBQ where it's everyone together, it's time with the kids. It's hard to suck it up and see someone standing in your role, but when it was my choice, I'd rather spend *ANY* time with the kids than little or none. I've never talked smack about my ex or any of her beaus to the kids - they see (saw) it, and kids aren't dumb. Eventually, they know the deal without having it being pointed out to them.
If you want to talk, my email is open - I'm going to take it off 'female' being a requirement to write to me. I can give up my digits, too - it sounds like you're going through a lot of things that I went through initially. Just keep your head up, brother. You can't change her decisions or actions - you only have control over your own. Be productive and focus on what truly matters - the kids. I really do wish you the best. It's a rough time, to be sure.
Kent | |
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| How to deal with feeling replaced
Posted: 3/18/2008 8:02:11 AM | Typically the system could care less about her boyfriend. Unless he is a detriment to the kids, now worries. Whether he sleeps on the couch or the bed, again is irrelevant in general to the situtuation. Might piss you off, upset on eor more of the kids, but it is not against the law for the ex-Mrs. to accept the new Mr's. offer to cook his kielbasa for her. OR so to speak.
And by same house, I mean that the house the kids live in was the family home before the divorce started, suggesting that you cash her out, get her to move out with Mr. Frank Kielbasa to new digs, yo move in and resume being super-Dad, just like before the divorce occured. Mrs. Cuckhold can then move forward with her new culinary partner and you can handle the majority of the child care, just like before the divorce. Oh? You did'nt do that before the divorce? Uh Oh, And how much have you done since the divorce? Hmmm. I see. It a bit of a drive to see the kids after moving so far away..
Noticed on your profile a stated profession of Software Engineering. Good salary. Regular hours. Opportunities for telecommuting if you are doing heavy metal work. No so great if you are doing embedded targets, but... Very portable profession. Step 1: Go home to your kids.
I am an engineer too. Analytical. Property is divided 50/50 right? Why not apply the same algorithm to th etime with the kids? Here's why? It sucks to have to do that if you are a kid. No real sense of permanance. Back and forth, back and forth, Back and forth, back and forth, Back and forth, back and forth, Back and forth, back and forth, Back and forth, back and forth, Back and forth, back and forth, Back and forth, back and forth, Back and forth, back and forth, Back and forth, back and forth, Back and forth, back and forth, Back and forth, back and forth, Back and forth, back and forth, Back and forth, back and forth, Back and forth, back and forth, Back and forth, back and forth, etc. Finally, they grow up and say "screw this" and , "I'm going to go live my boyfriend at his apartment now". At fourteen.
Children need a place of routine. A sense of belonging. They also need both parents.
Just a thought, but the x's predilections (for custody) may have less to do with feeling like bad parent and more to do with money for child support. If by the off chance you can get her to go 50/50 and you both make exactly the same salary, you both pay exatly zero child suppport in many states. IF not, online child custody calculators can give you and estimate of the value either parent would pay based on income disparity.
If she was a stay at home mom and you worked the 9-5 before, odds are, the courts will enforce that arragement going forward. The circumstances of you moving so far away may be relevant, particularly if you lost your job post facto separation. (common). So you moved to gnerate income to make the ordered support for your family. Great. So now you notice things ae not going as well as expected. Hmmm. Move back and be a super-dad. Give Ms. Cuckhold all the rope she wants to tie up with her new relationship since she shat upon her vows and ran off with a kielbasa. A nice, green, dancing kielbasa!  | |
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| How to deal with feeling replaced
Posted: 3/18/2008 8:10:33 AM | Erlier Heathenistic wrote:
If you want to talk, my email is open - I'm going to take it off 'female' being a requirement to write to me. I can give up my digits, too - it sounds like you're going through a lot of things that I went through initially. Just keep your head up, brother. You can't change her decisions or actions - you only have control over your own. Be productive and focus on what truly matters - the kids. I really do wish you the best. It's a rough time, to be sure.
I second that motion. I'll switch to my email to AC/DC and relenquish my digits as well on request. In these situations of divorcement, it really is about the kids, not about guys sticking together, 'winng' or a war of the worlds. Divorce is incredilbly difficult for children to deal with and if I can lend any information to help those little ones out, man. I'm there. | |
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| How to deal with feeling replaced
Posted: 3/18/2008 5:48:40 PM | | this thread tells all about being a replacment dad,,,this is what ya get guys if ya go with a single mum,,x hates you,,kids hate you,,single mums dont tell ya this do they,,ya bet they dont | |
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| How to deal with feeling replaced
Posted: 3/18/2008 8:06:18 PM | You are looking at it in a negative way I think anyway! You can never be replaced on bein the kids father for a life time of love and guidance..Spend as much time with them as possible but don`t compete with the guy just be glad he is not a syco an he is good to your kids.. Would rather him be an ass an you doin something that might make you do somthing that might get you in trouble???.. He might be puttin on a show an be fake who knows , but look on the bright side your kids are with you for life an he is there till the ex an him are not haven fun anymore..Think positive an always let your kids know you are there for them an you love them alot an that there , is somthing that nobody can take from you an your children.. good luck.. | |
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| How to deal with feeling replaced
Posted: 3/20/2008 1:28:51 AM | Just to give you all an update, I had an interesting IM conversation with my ex last night. During this conversation I acknowledged that the guy she's seeing has made an effort to be outgoing and friendly, and that I had been rather cold in return. I explained that I am very jealous of the time he gets to spend with the kids and that they talk so highly about him. However, I told her that I realize (thanks to so many of you repeating it in different ways) that I'm actually thankful that they do like him. It's far better than the alternative. I promised that the next time I'm over there when he is, I'm going to start making an effort. (I didn't promise that I'll be doing a great job right away, and I fully expect it to take time, but there's no reason I shouldn't at least try.)
Oh, and due to several things going on, it looks like I might be moving back near the kids within the next month or so. There are some risks involved (financially), but for my mental health, I think I need to be able to see them more often. | |
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| How to deal with feeling replaced
Posted: 3/20/2008 5:17:02 AM | | The only way you can be"replaced" is to allow your self to be. I think you have the "that aint my truck in my drive syndrom. Stay in their lives and you will always be Dad regardless of who she is with. | |
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| How to deal with feeling replaced
Posted: 3/20/2008 9:47:31 AM | | My heart goes out to you my hubby left me for another women who has tried to get my wee boy to call her mummy, it was like a sword going through my heart my x has my wee boy during the day (works evenings) and it hurts me that he takes our wee boy out with his girlfriend and plays happy families while I am at work - yes it is good for the wee boy but as a mum it really hurts when my wee boy tells me what they done that day I try my best to hold back on my feeling but it makes me mad that my x lets his girlfriend shout at our wee boy - its good that the guy seems a nice enough bloke but always remember a daddy/mummy is for life not just for christmas and that is what makes me get on with it hopefully you will meet that "person" who will bring the smile back to your face and replace the bad feeling you have | |
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| How to deal with feeling replaced
Posted: 3/20/2008 9:53:54 AM | Steve,
That's great! I'm really glad to hear it. I hope that things do work out for you, and that your time with the kids improve. Again, my email is always open to you if you need to talk or an objective ear. Please let me (us) know how everything goes. Best of luck!
Kent | |
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| How to deal with feeling replaced
Posted: 3/20/2008 3:07:58 PM | When life changes like this, the non CP can really feel the hurt.
I am close friends with my ex, and he told me how horrible he felt about not seeing our son. I had full custody with him seeing our son every other weekend.
You are feeling the pain of your territory being taken over by someone else. Jealousy is a natural feeling, and especially when it comes to your own children.
Doesn't sound like you are exactly settled into the whole divorce idea, and what makes it harder is that it seems your kids are getting settled. Doesn't sound like you wanted the divorce, especially if you feel that someone has replaced you. Perhaps you may want to do some work on your own emotions to get through this period of adjustment?
As for your kids...Fear not, you will ALWAYS be dad if you keep that part in your childrens lives. Kids don't look for replacements, they just adjust to a change in things, doesn't mean you mean any less.
Your kids and this guy will have periods of rough adjustment, as well as a time if he stays around, and becomes the new spouse, that they will probably have times where they resent him.
Sure, we can wish our to be exes would do things differently, but the fact is if you two are seperated and she has moved on, it is part of learning to accept the situation.
I have been divorced for 7 yrs, and my ex and I now have half time with each parent, where we switch week to week.
Since I have dated people after our divorce, and had a long term, it is easier for my son to see me dating people. My ex has dated only one person for a short time, so I don't see that transition if he makes it being easy for him or my son.
Feeling replaced is a major blow to the ego, and takes time to heal... Good luck... | |
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| How to deal with feeling replaced
Posted: 3/20/2008 3:48:55 PM | [ I don't expect this to last a long time, mostly because I think she wants to be single (which I believe is a significant part of why, yep you guessed it, she left me).]
Okay MalibuSteve,
It's time for someone to be real with you. Your soon to be Ex, does not want to be single okay. She is not yet divorced from you, only separated for 6 months, and she already has a serious boyfriend who is over her house every night cooking, sleeping over, and pretending to be a family man to a single mom and another mans kids.
It is quite obvious that he is not wrapped to tight or else he would not choose this one-sided, uncomfortable situation. This guy has wayyyyy to much time on his hands. I would say that he is some co-dependant, insecure guy who has a hard time getting dates, so he takes the easy route....a single mom who is at home stuck with kids and not to much of a challenge. If I was a single guy over some single moms house and her husband drives up in the drive way, that by its self would be more than I could handle.
I say you put your foot down, tell you Ex to grow up, give both yourselves, and you children time to heal from this difficult situation called divorce and then maybe bring other people into the picture. I say you start raising hell, give this guy a hard time, call a lot, show up at lot, and constanly communicate with your Ex. If he has any guts at all and is not a I want to help a single mom savior, then he will say, "forget this crap, I'm out of here". | |
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| How to deal with feeling replaced
Posted: 3/20/2008 5:34:11 PM | Hi, Malilbu Steve.
Whey to goh!
Take the financial penalties, salary, whatever. It will work itself out. Are we supposed to love people or things? Hmm?
The posting about hassling the ex's boyfriend and 'giving him hell' is exceedingly poor advice from whomever the pinheaded poster was that wrote that. Great way to get a restraining order or arrested. That will look real nice when the judge reviews the situation. Not to mention it will count BIG TIME against you by escalating the conflict and doing that, affects the kids.
Give her all the time she wants to hang out with Mr. Big Green Kielbasa. You watch the kids. You watch waht the judge does when he/she discovers Mrs. Cuckhold would rather drink margaritaa than care for those kiddos. Hmmm.
You're an engineer, right? Get technical. Buy a few good e-book off the web about fathers rights and how to handle this situation. If you really do think you are a better parent for the kids right now, go for it -challenge custody. It is every parents right at any time.
Bu you better get a good attorney and get informed. Fast. | |
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| How to deal with feeling replaced
Posted: 3/20/2008 5:44:41 PM | Ann,
I would have wrote you this in a offline message, but you have age and gender clamps on who can reach you on this site...
So... if you can prove, usually through a court appointed psychologist that Mr. Kielbasa is overstepping his bounds emotionally with your kids, is removing love and affection that your kids normally would have towards you, is impacting the parental relationship you enjoyed before the separation and is 'replacing' you, or maybe more importantly, substituting parental responsibilities that Mrs. Cuckhold should be performing and participating in (like cooking and cleaning,etc..) for the kids, you may have some legs on getting custody. Some judges get really pissed off about htis kind of situation. Maybe they experienced it as child, too and felt the aftermath, A good and highly connected atttorney will know what if any bias exists and could possible request a change of venue (judge).
Custody disagreements are not for the faint of heart. Get professinal advice.  | |
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| How to deal with feeling replaced
Posted: 3/20/2008 11:56:38 PM |
It's time for someone to be real with you. Your soon to be Ex, does not want to be single okay. She is not yet divorced from you, only separated for 6 months, and she already has a serious boyfriend who is over her house every night cooking, sleeping over, and pretending to be a family man to a single mom and another mans kids.
OK. I'll admit. I could have phrased it better. What I think she actually wants is the freedom of being single (being able to see/do whoever she wants whenever she wants) with the stability and support of a relationship. The best of both worlds so to speak. For now, she has it, but not for much longer. Soon, she's going to have to step up to the responsibilities she has. But that's another topic.
Oh, and as for the rest of your post, I felt it was neither wise nor mature advice, so I will disregard it. Thank you though.
Doesn't sound like you are exactly settled into the whole divorce idea, and what makes it harder is that it seems your kids are getting settled. Doesn't sound like you wanted the divorce, especially if you feel that someone has replaced you. Perhaps you may want to do some work on your own emotions to get through this period of adjustment?
Wow. I guess I'm pretty easy to read. You pretty much nailed that one.
All in all, now that I've started looking at the situation differently, I'm feeling a lot better about it. It's not my first choice of how things would be. Or even in the top 10 choices actually. However, it's nowhere near as bad as it could be.
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| How to deal with feeling replaced
Posted: 3/21/2008 12:05:30 AM | Steve I am glad to hear that you are finally finding peace. It isn't easy, especially when you are left wondering perhaps how the person you loved so much could just give up.
You don't want your kids to be miserable, but at the same time it soooo hurts to see that they are adjusting, and you feel left behind.
You are a very mature and with your own emotions and feelings to be able to admit this. Good for you, because a lot of people get ticked, or climb into some self medicated haze to get past it.
I am sorry that your life changed without you wanting it that way.
It happens to a lot of us one way or another.
For me, I finally had to call it quits because my spouse was happy in his own world (not really, but he certainly was content letting me know he didn't like the husband role, and wasn't going to play it just because he was married)
LOL, he learned too. BUT that is NOT my Karma to him. It is his own, and I have actually been there when he has fallen on his face. THAT CAN BE REALLY HARD, but for me it was all part of being the best person I could me.
No neither one of us got back together, or even wanted to... What we learned is that we were not good married people together.
It will take you time, but one day you too will understand that life has a way of balancing itself out. It is slow, and sometimes the pain feels like it will eat you alive. Always remember though, you were a good person before you and she, and you still are a good person.
Good luck, something wonderful will happen for you... | |
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| How to deal with feeling replaced
Posted: 3/21/2008 5:44:37 PM | MalibuSteve,
I did not mean to sound immature about "showing up a lot, calling a lot, raising hell, etc.....What I meant to say is that there is absolutley nothing wrong with wanting to be in contact with, or with your children all the time. I say make a committment to living in the same city as your Ex, move down the street or 2 blocks away from her, and help raise you kids. You (b)need(/b) to be near your family. The guy she is with now, most likely will not like this and get out of the picture. I would think that you have more of a right to be at your Ex's house than him. I'm not saying do it to get rid of him though, I just know it's what should be done. | |
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| How to deal with feeling replaced
Posted: 3/21/2008 5:45:04 PM | MalibuSteve,
I did not mean to sound immature about "showing up a lot, calling a lot, raising hell, etc.....What I meant to say is that there is absolutley nothing wrong with wanting to be in contact with, or with your children all the time. I say make a committment to living in the same city as your Ex, move down the street or 2 blocks away from her, and help raise you kids. You need to be near your family. The guy she is with now, most likely will not like this and get out of the picture. I would think that you have more of a right to be at your Ex's house than him. I'm not saying do it to get rid of him though, I just know it's what should be done. | |
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| How to deal with feeling replaced
Posted: 3/21/2008 6:56:05 PM | Seasiren, HUH?
I am not sure if you are personal friends with MS, however I am not sure how you are so sure what needs to be done is to get rid of the BF.
People divorce, or leave a relationship for many reasons, none of which we kow about.
Perhaps the job MS has had, has taken him away from his family most of his marriage, and the wife got fed up with it, because that isn't the life she signed up for (no disrespect Steve, only guessing). SO BE IT, that is not for any of us to judge.
No matter the reason for the break, trying to cause conflict in a soon to be exe's relationship is not only immature, but down right uncalled for. What you are suggesting is that he really p!$$ his ex off by ruining a relationship that she obviously values.
Moving a couple blocks away is not a big deal, however it shouldn't be done out of spite, because it will NOT be the way to win his wifes affection back.
IF things work, or don't work, with his to be ex and her BF, is not something Steve has control over, and would only end up alienating him further from the family. Obviously whether he likes it or not, his kids have grown fond of the BF, and that should really be a good thing.
Steve is slowly learning to accept the situation, and probably will find that this guy is a good person, and he's lucky that his ex hasn't found some total creep that treats her and his kids horrible. That IS NOT something his kids need to see. | |
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| How to deal with feeling replaced
Posted: 3/21/2008 7:02:52 PM | | I don't know what you to say to help you cope, but I can tell you that you are thier dad. Noone can replace you. No matter what happens, noone can replace you. They will always miss you being there even if they are having fun with whoever is around them now. It's not the same. I've had many friends who went through this growing up. they liked/or did not like the new guy, but they always wished there dad was there, even though they'd NEVER admit it to their parents, or let it show. lol. | |
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| How to deal with feeling replaced
Posted: 3/21/2008 11:54:54 PM | Just to clear things up on why I'm out of town, I've been without steady employment for nearly a year now. I've been working temp jobs here and there and doing some freelance work when I can get it.
After things blew up, I needed a place to stay, so I was staying in town (Sacramento area) with some friends. After living with them for roughly six months, things were deteriorating rapidly. I was doing some freelance work for a former employer (near San Jose) and I have family living down here, so I decided to stay down here while doing this work and searching for work up there.
Being away from the kids has taken a toll on me, so I'm planning get my own place up there and to use the money I'm earning as a cushion to help cover expenses while I continue to look for work or do more temp jobs.
I think moving down the street or even a couple of blocks away would be a little too close. There's too much potential for awkward moments. However, the apartments I'm planning to move in to are less than a mile away from where she and the kids live. It's enough distance to give us both our space while keeping me nearby.
Also, there's an event at my kids' school coming up soon. My ex agreed to pick me up at the train station and take me to and from the event. Although we have our  moments, we generally cooperate when it comes to our kids. | |
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nero1
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Joined: 1/30/2008
Msg: 48 | |
| How to deal with feeling replaced
Posted: 3/26/2008 5:58:36 AM | | Welcome to the club dude. I have been replaced 4 or 5 times already! But at least I'm still around for the kids. Why is it that all us guys are in the same situation? | |
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| How to deal with feeling replaced
Posted: 3/26/2008 10:57:40 AM | | kids that have a father thats in there lives dont really care about the revolving door that is the moms. and Nero hopefully you have replaced her as well, life is short | |
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| How to deal with feeling replaced
Posted: 3/28/2008 9:56:59 PM | nero1 wrote: Welcome to the club dude. I have been replaced 4 or 5 times already! But at least I'm still around for the kids. Why is it that all us guys are in the same situation?
Because the system favors women over men most of the time. A woman has to be a real screw-up in order for the judge order her to turn the kids over to the dad and pay child support to him. I've seen a few cases like these. Most of the time getting a divorce is a good deal for women because they get to keep the kids and keep getting money from her ex-husband. She gets to live it up while the ex gets to eat ramen noodles because he can't afford proper meals anymore. | |
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