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| How to deal with feeling replaced
Posted: 3/29/2008 2:02:06 AM | | Bloods thicker than the mud. They will bond with many people through out their lives, but the Father (that's you), is one who can't be replaced or forgotten and a bond that can't be broken. It's just fear, don't allow it to get the best of you my friend. Stay strong, it will be ok. With my older child I have dealt with this myself as Mom. She and her step Mom bonded, but as it turned out, her step Mom turned out to be a nice addition to her life and a person I like because she was good to my daughter, but, like a homing pigeon, she is with me. At first it seemed threating, and I had those fears you are going through. | |
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| How to deal with feeling replaced
Posted: 3/29/2008 5:01:57 AM | | I imagine this is all very difficult for you OP, and understandably so. But those kids bonded with you during their formative years. YOU were Santa, YOU were the tooth fairy, YOU were the one to show them how to throw a ball. Theyll never forget that and you will always be Dad, even if someone else gets to live with them full time. I'm sure it is hard, but you can be grateful in the fact that he is someone who treats them well and not someone who takes all of Mom's attention away from them and treats them poorly. Keep your chin up and be glad that you don't have a lot of drama to deal with because of him. And trust me, there will be a day when he ticks them off....and you'll hear all about it. :) | |
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| How to deal with feeling replaced
Posted: 3/29/2008 9:07:21 AM | I can relate somewhat to how you feel, though I was the custodial parent and ex was one adding someone to my child's life...You are important in the life of your children. You are their father, no ifs and or butts about it. If you are an involved, loving father, than you have nothing to worry about.
Dealing with your feelings will get eaiser. The sting will wain. You will actually probably one day wake up and be grateful that at least your ex picked someone that is respectful and kind to your children, and think less of the fact that someone else is helping to raise your children as a negative.
It takes time. Just stick your head up, trudge along and be the best father you can be.
Think of it this way, your children have more people in their life that love them, and that can't all be a bad thing.
When they talk about him, I feel very hurt and upset, but try not to let it show, because they don't understand that what they're saying hurts me.
Oh, I have so been there. I found out more about my child's stepmom than I ever wanted too. Really, really try to keep those feelings to yourself. It is not always easy, but you get the reward of them sharing things with you that they might not have shared otherwise, and some things they share can be useful in you helping them to adjust, etc.
Take care and give yourself time to get used to it.
(on a side note, my concern with situations like this is that what happens when that person is no longer around. I don't know your ex our her situation, but often people rush into new relationships soon after seperation/divorce for their own needs, and are too wrapped up they really don't sit down to think of long term effects on their children, if the relationship were not to work out. And, sad to say, a lot of relationships so soon after seperation don't. I did not date until my ex was in an established relationship and I knew it was for long haul. That way I could provide some stability to my daughter during those crazy times when we were all getting used to living seperate lives) | |
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| How to deal with feeling replaced
Posted: 3/30/2008 1:28:34 AM | Thanks all for the support and comments. I just finished spending the last few days with my kids and enjoyed (nearly) every minute of it.
During this time, they seldom asked about their mother, and maybe mentioned the other guy once or twice, but nothing that stuck in my memory. My youngest said the other day that she missed mommy and wanted to call her, so I placed the call and my 2 girls (the younger 2 of the 4) spoke to her briefly. My boys were busy doing other things and didn't want to talk on the phone.
By contrast, I call my kids almost every day just to check in. The girls almost always tell me how much they miss me, and rarely do the kids avoid talking on the phone. Also, my youngest interrupted me several times over the last few days just to tell me that she loves me. I'm feeling pretty much on top of the world right now.
   
Also, if all goes well, I might be living near them again (and seeing them nearly every day) in as soon as 2 weeks!! The apartment complex I wanted to get into has some openings, and I've been able to get enough freelance work recently to make it feasible.
I'll keep you all posted. | |
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| How to deal with feeling replaced
Posted: 3/30/2008 8:09:38 AM | Happy Birthday MalibuSteve...
from reading these posts, I'd guess that you were born... uhm... yesterday...
First, Why did you leave the house? Was it both of yours - or did you move into her house? You've made foolish decisions. You left the house. Wrong move.
You've willingly left your home and children for the benefit of her new lover. Why? Your former mate is not your friend - a friend would not bring a new lover into 'your' bed to 'replace' you. That's not a friend - that's not even someone who should be trusted by you. You deal with your 'feelings' of being replaced by doing everything possible to NOT be replaced as the father figure of your children.
From your kids perspective, you're a willing participant in this drama. You left them.
I don't understand why you didn't insist she take her fornication out to a motel or the back-seat of her lovers car - where it belongs - and not in the bed that you probably paid for.
Why not offer to clean the bed-sheets after their many nightly trysts?!
What's going on in your head?
I'm not recommending OJ'ing her and the guy, but don't crawl away from what should be the fight of your life - the fight to remain as the Dad of your children. And I don't mean the guy who gets his kids every other weekend and 2 weeks in the summer!
If you have family that will support you, get good legal help and fix what you can fix.
Wake up, man-boy. Liquidate the house if need be. Do a full and final seperation - not a slink out of the picture so the new stud can have a cushy setup.
Deal with feeling replaced by replacing your focus to what you must do to not be replaced! Your feelings should inspire you to take action, not seek comfort in the understanding from others who've tread your path AND LOST.
Your daughters have a statistically higher probability of being molested or mistreated due to the circumstances you describe. Is that enough reason for you not to allow your self to become just a pay-check for the ex? Re-define your self.
Good luck.
Your ex has punched you in the gut.
What you need is a 'friend' to slap you awake and maybe kick your butt into action.
I hope you wake to your new reality in time enough to do the right thing.
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| How to deal with feeling replaced
Posted: 3/30/2008 8:17:08 AM | | Trust Me ....Daddy will never be replaced in their hearts..... I was that child...I lived with my Mom and she Moved on.....DADDY was never replacede...... | |
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| How to deal with feeling replaced
Posted: 3/30/2008 10:10:17 PM |
First, Why did you leave the house? Was it both of yours - or did you move into her house? You've made foolish decisions. You left the house. Wrong move.
You've willingly left your home and children for the benefit of her new lover.
I left the house because the marriage was over. It was no longer a good situation for us to be under the same roof, and at the time, she was in a better position to take care of the kids. I didn't leave for the benefit of her and her new lover. (He didn't even come along for a few months.) I left for the benefit of me, my (soon-to-be-ex-)wife, and my kids. To judge my actions as foolish is to show a complete ignorance of the facts of the situation.
From your kids perspective, you're a willing participant in this drama. You left them.
That may be. I'm trying to make sure that's not what they think, but I realize that is an issue.
I don't understand why you didn't insist she take her fornication out to a motel or the back-seat of her lovers car - where it belongs - and not in the bed that you probably paid for.
Yes, I paid for the bed. Then again, so did she. She didn't even meet this guy until after she and I split up. I don't follow your logic of why she should take it outside of the house.
I could continue picking apart your argument piece by piece, but instead I'll simply say that it bears minimal resemblance to the real world or what is best for the kids. I could fight, liquidate the house, and make her life a living hell. In the end, she would be miserable, I would be miserable, and the kids would be miserable. Sounds like a pretty bad idea to me. It seems that it would make more sense to work with her to raise the kids, provide a stable environment for them, and spend as much time as possible with them.
I may have been born yesterday, but I've clearly matured at a fast enough rate to understand that simply throwing a temper tantrum and living in a fantasy world will accomplish nothing. | |
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| How to deal with feeling replaced
Posted: 3/31/2008 12:40:18 AM | Steve I am sorry that people are here passing judgment.
I spoke with my former stepson today ( he' married, has twin babies, and 21 now). I always felt bad about finally after 9 1/2 yrs of a chaotic unhappy marriage, to be the one to have to leave. His mum kind of abandoned him when he was 6 mo old to his dad, and then when his dad and I married his dad was never around.
ANYWAY, I asked him if I had hurt him for being up front and honest with him about things in his life. He thought at age 12 he was going to be an NBA star, and I had told him that was a really great dream, but perhaps he should consider something else if that didn't pan out.
He told me it didn't and to this day he has always been grateful for me being the person that was honest, and realistic.
IT is NOT always easy to be realistic when a marriage is completely dead, and by no means is staying in a completely unhappy marriage for the sake of the kids is a favor.
This may not agree with everyone, however I know for a fact that my 12 yr old son is extremely happy, and the thing that makes him happy is the fact that his mum and dad had the common sense to call it quits before we hated each other...
I am so happy to hear that you had a really great time with your kids, and that you may have a chance to be closer to them. Keep up the good work... | |
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| How to deal with feeling replaced
Posted: 3/31/2008 5:58:47 AM | Listen,
I was in the middle of my divorce, many years ago. I remember telling a friend of mine that the worst thing that could happen would be that my ex-wife would find a guy that was bad to my kids. My friend stopped me and said " Your ex would never let anyone hurt those kids, don't worry about that, the worst thing that could happen would be if your kids loved her new man more than they love you"!
I'll never forget that! What does it mean? Well at first glance, it looks like I'm doomed! But what it really means is that life does go on. Sooner or later, you too will meet someone who will have a relationship with your kids. You should hope that the new woman treats your children well. You should expect no less.
This guy, that is with your kids, as bad as it feels, can also be a good thing. Another person who can protect them from harm. You should look at it that way.
If you are a good father, who treats your children well, and teaches them, they will always love you most. Never underestimate their love. Noone can replace you, unless you become so frustrated that you do something that will cause them to shun you. You don't need to like this new guy, but if you treat him with some degree of respect, he will never speak badly of you. That in itself can gain you points with your children.
Good luck man, I know it is very tough, but it really works. I know my children love me. That's all I could ever ask for!
Larry | |
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| How to deal with feeling replaced
Posted: 3/31/2008 5:16:20 PM | Steve,
Some things can't be explained clearly enough - you gotta live through it.
and you will, sorry buddy, but you will...
When a woman (or man) will bring another lover into their childrens home, they show that they have NO respect for you or the family you created.
Read reality and you'll find your in a fantasy.
You've replaced your self.
You're stuck on 'you and her' and piss away the 'you as father, dad, man of the house'.
You didn't need to leave the family home. When you did, you left your post as leader of your children. That's my point.
If my message is harsh, it is this - She can not replace you as the man your children's lives. Only you can do that. And you did when you left them.
A kid wants their parents, not a new stud in place of dad.
Rolling over to make things peacefull and stable looks like abandonment and lack of courage to fight for what matters to a child - and an outsider. I'd prefer to raise my child in poverty and struggle with them and for them than allow 'a better man' to do my job. As for her - let her take her pleasure outside of the family home.
Good Luck. | |
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| How to deal with feeling replaced
Posted: 3/31/2008 5:32:51 PM | | Sam you're being a little harsh on the guy. It sounds to me as if he is being an adult about the whole thing. Maybe his ex wife was not using her best judgement bringing someone into their home soon (?) after the divorce, but that's what she did. The OP has two choices. He can either a) kick and scream about 'our house' 'our things' 'our life'...which is no more, and start a tit for tat back and forth with the lady, or b) accept things as they are and be the best dad and man he can be given the less than desireable circumstances. I think b is the better choice for all involved, and I truly wish more people were not so petty and vindictive. The kids are the ones who suffer that. | |
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| How to deal with feeling replaced
Posted: 3/31/2008 5:38:19 PM | SimmahDahNah, I'm typing letters on a keyboard.
Call it what you will, but it's nothing compared to the next 10 or 15 years he's going to endure if Mrs. bad judgement brings a child-molester into his daughters house.
Happens too often. And they never expected someone sooo nice could...
Nothing compared to being left with every other week and some summer time with his kids. Then the new puppies get all the love and attention and yours are 2nd class 4 life.
There is times in life to fight for what is right and demand your share.
This is one - for him.
He's not being adult, he's being a panzy-azz. There was a time when a man would take a object to the noggins of the people who do what he describes - in his kids home!
Not cry that they feel they're being replaced and run home to momma and dada.
Maybe I just love my kid more than I care about going along to get along, so that the big people can get on with their love-life, in peace and stability.
Forgive my tantrums...
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| How to deal with feeling replaced
Posted: 3/31/2008 5:41:48 PM | | I'm not saying get along to get along....what I'm saying is that this is a new situation and if you start it on a bad foot it's going to continue that way. Obviously it's hurting him as it is, why would you choose to kick and scream and be an ass? How do you know he's not already checked the guy out to make sure he's not a child molester? Maybe he has, but that can all be done without a big screaming mess. I'm just saying adults need to be adults or it turns into a big mess. How many people do you know who are so bitter they can't get past their old hurts? I know too many. | |
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| How to deal with feeling replaced
Posted: 3/31/2008 5:50:12 PM | Who's feet are you talking about? Hers are up in the air or besider her ears. His are in the gutter looking into his former home, as shadows bounce on his bed.
Who said kick and scream? Get legal assistance to enable starting out on a footing that allows him to not have to move in with momma and dadda. Be a man - fight for his kids, not roll over and pout about being replaced.
If they have to split everything so he has a place to have parenting time with his kids, sell the house.
He wants to make things comfy for the new stud, not his kids.
His kids would doubtless prefer time with their birth parents: not a part-time father (when given permission if the new stud has sated mommy) and a mother who keeps disappearing in the bedroom with the new stud!
He's lost sight of what matters. His role in his kids life.
Basically, if he valued his role as father - he'd do whatever it takes to set himself up to provide shelter and sustenance for his kids - under his auspice.
He's doing everything to provide a comfy love-nest for the new stud - not the newly single/homeless father!@!
To me, THAT is harsh. He's replacing him self - she's not, HE is.
She's just a dog with a new bone. He's putting himself in the doghouse. | |
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| How to deal with feeling replaced
Posted: 3/31/2008 9:07:50 PM | samhonolulu,
You are so far removed from reality that it's pathetic. Even if I brought Johnny Cochrane back from the dead to represent me, there's no way I'd be able to get anything more than 50% custody. As far as the law is concerned, she is doing nothing wrong. I have zero legal grounds to fight it.
Be a man - fight for his kids, not roll over and pout about being replaced.
If being a man means behaving like you suggest, I'd prefer to avoid it. However, in my book, a man sometimes sacrifices what he wants in order to best provide for his family. In this case, the family is my kids (I don't get why you would think I want to make things comfy for the new guy, not my kids. Everything I've been doing has been to give them the best life possible under the circumstances.). A bitter legal battle would result in minimal change from the current situation, and hurt everyone.
Right now, I get as much visitation with them as I want and can attend. If I choose to fight, this could be reduced, but realistically there is no chance of me getting more time with them than what I already get. I have never been turned away when I requested time with my kids.
As far as me abandoning my kids by leaving the house, that's a pretty narrow interpretation of things. I left because that was what needed to happen at that time. I was doing what was best for everybody involved, and I have zero regrets about the decision. If I had stayed around, she could have slapped me with a move-out order anyway. Hard to stick around when Johnny Law says you have to leave.
Please stop trying to twist the reality of my situation to match your overly-simplistic veiw of the world. And please stop with the insults. I don't take kindly to people questioning my love for my kids. I would prefer you keep such comments to yourself. | |
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| How to deal with feeling replaced
Posted: 3/31/2008 9:51:05 PM | Sorry MalibuSteve,
I misread your posts. I thought you'd written that you moved to your parents home to get your life together.
Nothing wrong with that - but if you're leaving YOUR home, and YOUR children behind...that's another thing. Why involve the home and kids?
Why would your loving, careing ex slap a move-out order on you?
Isn't it both of yours place? Don't you have as much right to raise your kids?
Is it ok for another man to be in your house and not you? That's 'okay!'?
Can you control yourself enough for your kids sake and be civil to your ex?
Doesn't make sense... you left for peace? Whose.
When she decides that you'll see her children every other week - it will be.
You may regret your statement that the most you can get is 50%.
What's wrong with that? 50% is fair - and fair shouldn't be the most - should be standard.
It ain't standard. You'll learn in time. You will have to fight for 'fair'.
Good Luck to you. You will need it.
ps: Reality is that most men - after leaving their home, lose home and kids.
If your she decides you don't see her kids, you don't.
She's not who you imagine her to be. Imagine a person who'd throw you out of your home, bring another man into your bed and decide your future role in her kids lives. That's who you're dealing with. That's your reality. (think 'move-out' order)
You have been removed. Stop feeling and start thinking.
Then deal with reality. Yours.
No insult was intended. You've been routed from your home and role as father. Saying poor you, " I feel so bad for you", "things will get better" won't fix things. | |
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| How to deal with feeling replaced
Posted: 3/31/2008 10:40:57 PM | Not that it's really your business, but the reason I moved out was that I was suffering from severe depression, which led to anger control issues. I was angry and yelling at people frequently. I was also suicidal. I left to seek proper treatment, which was in the best interest of my own health, my kids, and my ex. Until I was in a stable place, she was by far the better choice to be caring for the children. She reacted in a way that she felt was best for her and the children.
Now that I'm doing better (I am stable now, and the anger issues are long gone), the issue which has been keeping me out of town has been financial. Without a steady paycheck, it's hard to afford a place to live. My ex did offer to let me stay in the house while I seek regular employment, but I didn't want to give my kids false hope that she and I would be reconciling.
As far as the 50% comment, my point was that while I don't agree with decisions she is making, it is not up to me. She will have them at least 50% of the time, and she is not making any choices that would give me a legal right to fight. Thus, your suggestion to fight is pointless.
My visitations aren't entirely at her whim. We have a custody agreement that we worked out with a mediator, and she has given me as much additional visitation as I have requested. When I was still living nearby, I saw them nearly every day. She encouraged (and still encourages) my active participation in their lives. My continued presence in their lives is very important to her, and she has been very accomodating to make that happen.
No, she's not perfect, nor is she innocent. She has done some very hurtful things towards me. I am not blind to these facts. However, what is to be accomplished by dwelling on them?
She is moving on with her life rather quickly. Does it hurt? Not as much as I expected it to. Is it a mistake? Possibly, but who are any of us to judge? Does this make her a bad person or a bad mother? I don't think so. Just because she doesn't make the choices that I would doesn't mean she's any less qualified to be a parent than I am.
As I've stated repeatedly, neither she nor I is blameless in how our marriage fell apart. The fact remains that it did, and I am trying to make the best of it. Saying "poor me", etc. is not helpful. However, people discussing how they've been through similar experiences and how they coped is. Thinking you know how to best run my life when you know only a small fraction of the total reality is the least helpful attitude of all.
Feel free to tell me how you've felt, and what you've done. Feel free to offer suggestions of things I might want to try or look into. However, don't try to tell me what to do. While I'll listen to suggestions and comments all day, I still know the situation better than you. | |
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| How to deal with feeling replaced
Posted: 3/31/2008 11:21:38 PM | I hate to say this, but the odds are she did not "just meet him" after you split up. She was probably seeing him before you even discussed divorce. If she has moved on so quickly, it means she figured out she wanted to divorce you long before she actually started to discuss the subject. That means for a long time while she kissed you good night, she was plotting to jettison you from your own home.
What's done is done unfortunately.
As for those saying you can't be replaced, well that's not true. Anyone can be replaced. If your children are young and they grow up with this guy around them more than you, who will ultimately be a greater influence on their lives?
You aren't "feeling replaced", you are being replaced.
Be good to your children and then make lots and lots of money. The more money you make, eventually your ex wife will start to compare you to her new man. She's done it already and she's doing it now.
Ex husband - Mansion
Current boyfriend - Shares my house
Ex husband - Vacation homes
Current boyfriend - Cutting coupons for road trips
Ex husband - Retired young
Current boyfriend - Still wearing his monkey suit at the office
You have to stop regretting that you lost out, live the kind of life where she regrets it because she lost out. Then you'll get your kids back. | |
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| How to deal with feeling replaced
Posted: 4/1/2008 4:18:46 AM | I am a father of three and have a shared parenting plan with their mom. She is still with the guy she cheated on me with. The first time my kids talked about him I was very mad, I had to really think about what I was mad about. I still loved the woman!
Unless your willing to fight for some kind of custody even a few days a week he is going to be the father figure. your heart is telling you what you want, go for it. | |
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| How to deal with feeling replaced
Posted: 4/1/2008 9:03:00 AM | Steve,
Consider the environment you 'had to leave' because it made you crazy/unstable is the same that you left your kids in.
You left to 'get cured'. The environment was bad for you but it's good for your kids? Think about it. Do you believe in instilling values to your children?
You're still her biggest fan and cheerleader. She is basically good right?
Does bringing a lover into your childrens home for moms pleasure in your bed make her a bad person/mother? I'd say yes to both. Do you?
When you see it that way, you'll have better understanding of your depression and the path to cure your self of it.
Be honest with your self. Who wouldn't be depressed!
A depression is like a hole/rut that we become stuck in. By all means, get out - but leaving children in the rut with the person who dug the hole is just wrong.
The only fraction of your life I know well is the self-delusion that you reveal in regard to your relation to a hurtful ugly situation.
Turning over the keys to the house and possessions isn't for the kids benefit.
I'd rather live in a shack in proverty with my kid than have my kid live in a mansion with her mother and new stud. You're putting yourself into poverty and leaving your kids behind - with a cheat and her new stud! You even relate as though she's offering you shelter that is rightfully yours! Maybe she should replace you with a man that won't allow her to walk all over him, a good role model for the kids.
I don't value money and comfort over my role in my kids life or hers in mine.
Why do you?
Good Luck. | |
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| How to deal with feeling replaced
Posted: 4/1/2008 10:17:19 AM | Sam,
You clearly know nothing about my life nor about depression. Your advice to me about how to live my life is about as useful as my offering advice on how to do brain surgery. This will be my final response to one of your posts because, frankly, they aren't worth the time I spent reading them. | |
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| How to deal with feeling replaced
Posted: 4/1/2008 1:04:14 PM | Sam, it is odd how HORRID of a picture you are painting Steve's ex, which he has NOT insulted, belittled, or put down.
You have written really awful things in such a way that seems to have no more of an attempt at advice, than to really rub salt and acid into a hurting persons wounds.
I have to wonder what secret hurts and anger you harbor yourself, especially towards you own daughters mother, to have a need to write such awful things?
Steve, then opens up about his own issues, and you go further to BLAME the ex wife for his issue of depression. SOMETIMES depression is NOT a result of having a horrible marriage, but rather from a large combination of things.
Obviously the depression was a factor to problems, which is what Steve has stated. This is called healing in a healthy way, he acknowledges both parties had faults, and HE IS WORKING ON HIS. Her issues she owns, and has to work on; since she hasn't done anything illegal in the eyes of the law, he is only obligated to fix his OWN.
It is obvious that Steve has love and respect for the mother of his children. He has faith in her as a person, AND beleives she would NOT bring in some horrible monster that was out to molest his children. Why Sam would you continue to belittle him and his choices? He's an adult and certainly seems capable of making his own choices.
Some people divorce because as a couple they either never were compatible, OR they grew incompatible due to MANY reasons.
It is amazing how you have a continued need to insult someone that clearly is doing what HE KNOWS is in the best interest of everyone. SOMETIMES THAT ISN'T what we would personal want, but looking at the whole picture it is what is needed.
Sam if you have issues of your own that need worked out, please feel free to post your own thread of what a rotten wretch you were with, and all the horrible things she did. I am sure there will be plenty of people who will come out of the woodworks that can pass judgment on you too... | |
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| How to deal with feeling replaced
Posted: 4/2/2008 3:06:51 AM |
I hate to say this, but the odds are she did not "just meet him" after you split up. She was probably seeing him before you even discussed divorce. If she has moved on so quickly, it means she figured out she wanted to divorce you long before she actually started to discuss the subject. That means for a long time while she kissed you good night, she was plotting to jettison you from your own home.
Actually, I know how she met the guy, and it was through something she attended after we had split. However, I believe there is some truth to what you say. I think she had decided that she wanted to move on, possibly a year or more before it happened, and that's why she's having an easier time with it. I wouldn't go so far as to say she was "plotting", but the thought had clearly crossed her mind more than once.
Be good to your children and then make lots and lots of money. The more money you make, eventually your ex wife will start to compare you to her new man. She's done it already and she's doing it now.
...
You have to stop regretting that you lost out, live the kind of life where she regrets it because she lost out. Then you'll get your kids back.
While I don't quite agree with this, it does have some merit. I don't believe that money is the solution, but I would do well to focus on living a life where I am happy. I should "stop regretting that I lost out", and live the kind of life where she does miss out. However, at that point, it's not about winning over her mind or heart, it's about what's best for me (as well as the kids).
...Steve's ex, which he has NOT insulted, belittled, or put down.
Oh, believe me, I have done all of that. However, a public forum which can be read by the general public is not an appropriate place to do so. When I feel the need to vent, I have friends who I call.
Ironically, I find myself defending her often. It's not that I'm trying to excuse what she has done, it's just that I want to be fair and not paint an inaccurate picture. Thus, if one were focusing only on her good qualities, I would feel compelled to point out some of her less flattering qualities as well. Many people think I will appreciate them bad-mouthing her. In order to be fair and balanced, this is when I usually come to her defense.
She, like the rest of us, is a person. She does good things, she does bad things, like the rest of us. If I hold her to an unrealistic standard and say that she should not be able to move on and be happy, I would have to hold myself to the same standard. I want to move on and be happy, so why shouldn't I wish the same for her? It's just my kids who I don't want to move on. Then again, I think I've come to realize that they haven't and it's just my fear and jealousy acting up.
SOMETIMES depression is NOT a result of having a horrible marriage, but rather from a large combination of things.
Such as, oh, I don't know, brain chemistry, family history of depression, death of a loved one, job loss, and financial difficulties. Just off the top of my head.
It is obvious that Steve has love and respect for the mother of his children. He has faith in her as a person,...
While I wouldn't have phrased it that way, I can't deny it either. I no longer have romantic love for her, but familial/friendship love. She was a major part of my life for the last decade, and we went through a lot together. Just because she no longer wanted to try to work things out, that stuff doesn't go away.
...OR they grew incompatible due to MANY reasons.
That's a great way to phrase it. In fact, when we were discussing reconciliation, she stated that she felt that over the last few years we had both grown and changed a lot, and in very different directions. If we were to have met now, we wouldn't choose to date each other because we have so few similarities anymore. | |
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| How to deal with feeling replaced
Posted: 4/2/2008 5:53:43 AM | Children are only children for a short span of their lives, and they have good memories. If you are there for them, they will remember it.
Don't mind the part time lawyers and internet flamers.. some people obviously need to use forums for some kind of self administered agression therapy. Or, perhaps, they just need a life. Who can say.
Sounds like your getting a handle on it. Time heals, but it doesn't happen overnight. | |
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