ivy66
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Joined: 2/6/2008
Msg: 76 | |
| How to deal with feeling replaced
Posted: 4/2/2008 6:44:36 AM | well not the case in my story i got the kids my baby dad is not paying anthing yet i have not found any one yet he just got with this girl a few weeks a go maybe a month now i ask him for help to wacth his son and it like i asked for the world i dont have a car or any thing but he want to bring the baby to him he got family and frineds with a car and his new gf drives but he cant come pick his son up i so messed up over the situation i want our family to wrok but i guess it wont know and the baby only 4 months only and i am a lone with the boys no one to turn to i dont got many frineds or any thing and i just cant belive how qucik some one canhge change  | |
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| How to deal with feeling replaced
Posted: 4/3/2008 1:32:00 AM | Ivy,
I'm sorry to hear that you're having such a rough time. In time, your heart will heal. Taking care of your children without much help will be incredibly difficult most of the time, but remember that you are forming a bond with them. Their father, by choosing to stay out of their lives, is the person who is missing out the most. Your boys will grow up to know that you love them and that you worked hard to care for them.
Hang in there. | |
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| How to deal with feeling replaced
Posted: 4/3/2008 6:33:13 AM | I would move back to town ASAP. Your children need you there more than ever. Like other posters have said, you are their Dad and cannot be replaced. However, being int he same town would allow you to be more active in their lives. You may have limited visitation but there are other ways you can see them and support them. I have 50/50 custody but see my children way more often. I attend their sporting events even when they are at their mom's house. I am on the PTO at their school and attend all their concerts/plays and after school activities. This year I even organized a Reading night at their school. You can volunteer in their classroom or coach one of their sports teams. My son is in Boy Scouts and I go to his den meeting each week. So get involved and stay involved and you will not have to worry about being replaced. This will help you cope with the feelings of being replaced.
Good luck
Jim
PS Be very thankful your children like the new guy. Give them your 'permission' to like the new guy too. That will help to take the tension off of them. | |
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| How to deal with feeling replaced
Posted: 4/4/2008 7:32:52 AM | I agree with the previous poster.
I have 50/50 split and I do all that he has said. But even so I still often get those feelings. Your ex needs to be careful about what she does and says to your kids when my 5 year old daughter called my ex's BF daddy one time it sent shock waves through the family. My son freaked on my ex cause they just laughed about it and did not try and stop her. This has led to some very bad feelings between my son and her BF to be blunt he hates him. She would do well to nip that kind of stuff in the butt now. Parents need to do what is best for the kids not what pleases them.
You need to get as involved as you can. School sports at least every weekend if you can or split weeks or every other week.
And NEVER say anything bad about him or her to your kids EVER. Even if she says things about you don't get caught up. Look out for your kids be there and be stable and a good example of a good person and your kids will never abandon you. You will never be replaced. | |
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| How to deal with feeling replaced
Posted: 4/4/2008 10:33:37 AM | resotat:
And NEVER say anything bad about him or her to your kids EVER. Even if she says things about you don't get caught up. Look out for your kids be there and be stable and a good example of a good person and your kids will never abandon you. You will never be replaced.
The above is definitely worth repeating.
To the OP/MalibuSteve: I can relate to your situation. I pray your STBX does not turn out to be like mine.
FWIW, here's a sample of what I experienced:
My Son's Father moved his current wife in 2 months after I left. Our son was almost 2 yrs old at the time. Within a few months, he was calling her "Mommy". (All of this was before we were even divorced.) They encouraged, even insisted on this. I spoke with his Father and mentioned our child was too young to make such a decision. That, when older, if he felt comfortable and wanted to call her "Mom"? Different story. His response was to laugh and inform me she was a better "Mother" than *I* could ever be to our child. (Yes, I did mention my concern a few more times. Same result. Ridicule.)
The first time I heard my child utter that word was when they came to pick him up for the weekend. It was like a knife had been plunged through my heart and I cried off and on the entire weekend. The ONLY comfort I had was to remind myself that as long as she treated our son well...then I should be thankful for that.
Unfortunately, she didn't turn out to be a very nice person. I was on the receiving end of my son's Father and "Mommy's" (mainly the latter) incessant bad-mouthing and/or criticizing me to or in front of our son. It only got worse when, at 12, he went to live with them. 150 miles away. Within a year, I began hearing disturbing things from my son about how "Mom" was treating him. At first, hoping it was simply an adjustment period, I encouraged him to "give her a chance". I kept hearing the same things though. That is when I approached his Father about developing "issues" between our son and his Step-Mother which needed to be addressed. There was no blaming or ranting on my part. Same response each time I mentioned the topic over the years. Ridicule. I consulted with an attorney and the cost to go back to court for custody was horrendous, the CS I was paying (close to the same as he had paid me...yet he made 3 times what I made...figure THAT one out) had me almost put out on the streets and I had no family to help. I asked his Father if he would let our son come home with me but he refused. Our son asked. He still refused.
The last 2 yrs he lived with his Father, my son often wanted me to come and pick him up on my weekends, then take him to school the following Mondays. It was not ordered but he wanted me to so we could have more time together...also to get out of that environment. It was difficult money-wise for me to drive those 600 miles back and forth every other weekend. I swear it was worth EVERY scrounged penny though. I'm just grateful I had the time and an understanding boss who helped me make it happen.
Now, our son will soon be 19. Last year, days before his 18th birthday, he immediately moved home with me to finish high school. And, to this day, he refuses to speak to his Father.
Trust what the many posters have said.
Continue BEING there for your children...and you will NEVER lose them. CP or NCP. It may feel you have at one point or another but remember, children are VERY perceptive. They figure certain things out on their own as they grow up. If one party is bad-mouthing the other? They're just tying their own noose tighter and tighter in the end. Like the poster I quoted above...do your level best to NEVER allow yourself to get caught up in that nonsense. While I'm glad I no longer have to deal with those two...I DO feel a sadness for my son AND his Father. All I can do is continue to encourage him to get in touch with his Dad, talk to him and try to have a relationship with him. If for no other reason than to express his feelings TO his Father.
The situation I experienced was NOT ideal AT ALL. Wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. During this time, I didn't/couldn't date much at all...for obvious reasons. I did remarry once. It was brief and an entirely different topic. Likely there's a thread here somewhere for that one. 
My email is open if you ever want to talk as well. | |
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| How to deal with feeling replaced
Posted: 4/5/2008 12:15:47 AM | AriesGirl,
I'm sorry to hear about all that you had to go through. It sounds like you made the most out of a bad situation, and I applaud you for that. Thanks for the support.
To all:
I came up to Sacramento this evening to stay with the kids so my ex could go out of town with some friends for the bachelorette party for one of her best friends. (For the record, I'm glad she's going. The bride-to-be is a wonderful person and a great friend to us both.) I'm helping her out and getting to spend the weekend with my kids. I'm also making preparations for when I move up here soon.
One thing that struck me as odd is that being in the house again (especially once the kids are asleep) is bringing up some unexpected emotions. Knowing that she's involved with somebody else and seeing all the reminders of our years of marriage, I've grown very sentimental. I'm missing what we had (when the times were good) and regretting all of the things that went wrong. It's not that I want to get back together, just that I'm (finally) appreciating how good things once were. I'm also realizing just how far back the rift went. I've been remembering that while I was determined to try to work things out, for the past few years I would often daydream about how things might be with somebody else. I'm happy for her that she's happy with someone again, and I look forward to the future when I'll have that deep connection to somebody again. | |
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| How to deal with feeling replaced
Posted: 4/5/2008 12:19:09 AM | | You are living my greatest nightmare. This must be the most frustrating thing on the face of the planet to deal with. | |
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| How to deal with feeling replaced
Posted: 4/6/2008 6:02:10 PM | It's interesting to note that children are very aware of who their biological parents are and even if you move to the other side of the country, kids always will want their real daddys and mommys.
Try to look at the thing as a positive. Three parents are better than two. You have not been replaced at all, you just have some help. When you meet someone, four parents will be better than two. At least that is the positive way to look at this situation for now. But don't give in to trying to make up for not being there by not setting limits for your children when they are with you. In my opinion, this is crucial to give them security... especially in this time. Make sure they know you are their boss first and then their friend.
It must be difficult for you. When you communicate with your ex, make sure you let her know you feel she is a good parent in the conversations. (That is if you really do feel that way). I hope you can reassure her enough to where you won't have to fight it out in court and along comes horrible horrible times. Worse than you are feeling right now believe it or not. This doesn't have to get ugly unless HE or SHE is treating the children abusively. Thank your stars if that is not the case. | |
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| How to deal with feeling replaced
Posted: 4/6/2008 9:29:27 PM | smilestyle,
This weekend, I was coming into town and running late due to traffic. I actually suggested that my wife could ask her "friend" to watch the kids until I arrived so that she wouldn't hold up the group of friends leaving town. She was surprised that I would be OK with this. Part of me wasn't, but I'm making a conscious effort. (Turns out he wasn't available, but at least I acted relatively maturely.)
It's tough, but I'm doing a bit better. | |
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| How to deal with feeling replaced
Posted: 4/6/2008 9:35:28 PM | I do love the touch of sarcasm "friend". LOL.
You are able to step back and see the whole picture in spite of your warranted feelings. | |
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| How to deal with feeling replaced
Posted: 4/7/2008 9:56:02 AM | You're welcome and thank you, Steve. I just put my experiences "out there" to offer something to ponder. Nothing more.
All anyone can really do in these situations is do their best to focus on and do right by their child(ren). It is when one, or both, parents lose that focus...trouble can start.
I've been remembering that while I was determined to try to work things out, for the past few years I would often daydream about how things might be with somebody else.
IMO, it's not bad to remember that. Sometimes, we tend to fantasize about only the good times and lose sight of WHY the relationship failed. Doing so seems to make it more difficult to move on. (Hope that made sense!) | |
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| How to deal with feeling replaced
Posted: 4/22/2008 4:33:41 PM | Latest (last?) update:
I had the kids from Saturday morning until Monday morning, when I dropped them off at school. Last night (Monday evening), I took their pillows, blankets, etc. back to their house. The new guy was over there and had cooked dinner.
I sat down and had dinner with them, and enjoyed myself. The new guy and I discussed video games and other common interests. He even gave me one of the games that he had offered to my ex for my kids (but which I felt were age inappropriate).
After dinner, I did a few things with the kids (cleaning earrings, checking homework, getting kids ready for bed, etc.). My youngest had to do a poster for her preschool. My daughter, my ex, the new guy, and I all worked together to get it done.
Before I left, I asked the new guy to step outside so I could talk to him in private. I apologized for my earlier behavior towards him. He said that he understood, shook my hand, and was very respectful to me. (He even mentioned how much my kids love me, which felt good to hear from him.) We then continued to talk for a little while. It turns out he has a 6-year-old daughter from a previous relationship.
While he's still far from being a friend, I now know that I can get along with him to make visits, etc. work out. I no longer feel like I've been replaced. | |
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| How to deal with feeling replaced
Posted: 4/22/2008 4:37:48 PM | | Steve that is wonderful! I wish more people could act like grown ups like you guys are doing. I'm sure there will be some shaky times to come still, but overall you guys are both acting like mature adults, and that can only benefit the children. What a great example! | |
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| How to deal with feeling replaced
Posted: 4/22/2008 5:06:49 PM | | Steve, you handled that beautifully. Your mature attitude and behavior are in everybody's best interest, but especially your children's and your own. You're setting a very good example for your kids and I'm sure they love and respect you even more for it. Thanks for the update. | |
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| How to deal with feeling replaced
Posted: 4/22/2008 7:59:46 PM | Steve:
Seriously dude why do you not just move ion and find a new woman so your ex knows how it feels when you replace her?
We all deserve to be happy!!! | |
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| How to deal with feeling replaced
Posted: 4/22/2008 8:02:19 PM | | Well thanks for chiming in there, mr. negative. Why does he have to find a new woman to retaliate? Why is it always about 'what's in it for me'? Why can't we be happy that he has found some peace in this situation? | |
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| How to deal with feeling replaced
Posted: 4/22/2008 8:44:42 PM | ^Paece in life is good. If he wants to find a new woman he can do that too.
Malibu Steve:
You know your situation better than I do...could you sue your ex's new man for alienation of affection? That would fix her real good!!!! | |
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| How to deal with feeling replaced
Posted: 4/22/2008 9:09:41 PM | johne102,
Actually, I can't even say that he has done anything wrong. He didn't even meet my wife until after she had filed for divorce. He has spent a lot of time around my kids, but has been nothing but kind and respectful towards them. In fact, he even made an effort to be friendly towards me, but I was too caught up in being a d**k to him at the time.
Tonight, I stopped by the house, and he and I were friendly towards each other yet again. And the kids definitely behave differently towards the two of us. I'm still treated like a rock star simply for walking through the front door.
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| How to deal with feeling replaced
Posted: 4/22/2008 9:20:31 PM |
Seriously dude why do you not just move ion and find a new woman so your ex knows how it feels when you replace her?
We all deserve to be happy!!!
this^^^ is the difference between grown-ups and children......fortunately Malibu Steve is being a grown-up, which sometimes involves putting yourself in the backseat for the greater good...which in his case, are his children....selfless Fatherhood at it's best...
true happiness is not about revenge Johneyboy.......sheesh... | |
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| How to deal with feeling replaced
Posted: 4/23/2008 1:51:48 AM |
Seriously dude why do you not just move ion and find a new woman so your ex knows how it feels when you replace her?
First, you've clearly missed what upset me. It wasn't my ex replacing me (I had expected that), it was the feeling that my kids had replaced me (which I now realize they hadn't).
Second, the flaw with your logic is the assumption that me moving on would uspet my ex, or that her being upset would make me feel better somehow. I think she would actually be happy for me (if not relieved) if I found somebody new. Also, despite the fact that I was mildly upset with how quickly she moved on, the truth is that I want her to be happy. The vast majority of the time, we actually get along. Go figure. | |
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| How to deal with feeling replaced
Posted: 4/23/2008 3:23:11 AM |
You know your situation better than I do...could you sue your ex's new man for alienation of affection? That would fix her real good!!!!
Alienation of whose affection? I don't get it. Fix her real good? You're starting to scare me. You are going to make one hell of an ex husband one day, Johne....one for the books. | |
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| How to deal with feeling replaced
Posted: 4/23/2008 7:26:35 AM | MalibuSteve,
Your updates are a great example of how to handle these situations in an adult manner. I'm happy for all of you!  | |
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| How to deal with feeling replaced
Posted: 4/23/2008 8:00:25 AM | Malibu:
Yoi are never replaced to your children unless you are an absent father. Now my own poersonal solution to this problem would be to make the marriage work in the first place but seeing as that is not going to happen in this case Steve I see you are making the best of a bad situation. I could be wrong on this but I though you said earlier in this thread that you had your doubts about if your ex met her new man before or after your divorce.
If you did not say that then I must have mis-understood one of your posts.
As long as your children are happy that is all that matters and they will always treat you like a rock star because you are their father. See a fwe of the women I have dated in the past wanted thwir children to forget their father and bond with me...which is the wrong attitude to have. | |
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| How to deal with feeling replaced
Posted: 4/23/2008 8:12:11 AM | Steve it is really great to hear that you have grown since the start of this thread.
You have given your kids a gift that can't be replaced. That being a stand up guy, and father. Being able to show your kids that YES, sometimes marriages do break up, but they don't have to be a nonstop war zone after the fact is something that will make for their adult life being a lot more sane and happy...
It is also great to know you don't condone, or feel the need to retaliate like so many people have suggested you do...
It has always baffled me the need for people to be mean and spiteful just because things didn't work out like you may have wanted. That is no better than a little child not getting their way, why adults would think that way is just ODD too me...
Being cordial is often times hard when we hurt, but the benefit is being able to see that your kids love you, AND knowing the person that is in their life.
Your a great example of someone that has taken a tough situation, and made the best of it....
Good going...K | |
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| How to deal with feeling replaced
Posted: 4/23/2008 9:38:20 AM | Right now he is 'new'. If things progress, eventually he won't be the new guy anymore. If eventually they get married he will probably have a say in discipline, which in the end the kids will start to resent (esp. through their teen years). I can see where you are coming from though...I've never been in the situation.
You didn't mention how old your kids were. Right now this guy is doing everything in his power to be accepted by them and by your ex. If it is really bothering you that much, talk to your ex (if you two are amicable) about it. Just let her know that you are trying to deal with the seperation, etc. and now you feel like someone else is replacing you in your kids' life. If she is a decent person, she will understand that and may could talk to the kids. Something like 'Everything that has been changing is really hard on Daddy. I know that you like my new friend, but it might hurt your daddy's feelings when you talk about him a lot.' You can't just NOT hear about him....I suggest at the beginning of each conversation ASK about him...just say 'So, how is ___________ doing?' That way you know it's coming, they feel safe talking with you about him, and when they are done you can lead the conversation in a different direction....like 'Well, let's talk about what WE want to do this weekend'.
You don't like the guy b/c you are still hurting and plus he is now with the woman that you have shared a bond with. Quite normal. Embrace the fact that he treats them well and is hopefully a good role model for them. Trust me...you won't be replaced in their hearts.......
~Welder's Girl~ | |
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