| I'm Dyin Here...
Posted: 3/20/2008 9:23:24 AM | that's part of the problem. I don't have issues with him drinkin himself silly with his boys cause he ALWAYS tells me where he's gonna be.
This time no call, nothing.
He tried (in his best drunk acting sober kind of way) to reason his way out of it when he got home, but, I mean, WTF is so interesting that you have to leave the bar and go to this person's house for two hours? And no call? I mean, tell me where you are at least; we live together in Milwaukee, he walked to the bar and got totally faded, anything could have happened to him & I wouldn't have known about it.
I'm trying to unbend so I can think rationally, it just hasn't happened yet. I'm sure it will and whatever's supposed to happen will happen, I'm just REALLY confused..
Bunny | |
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| I'm Dyin Here...
Posted: 3/20/2008 9:23:35 AM | Would you be upset if he had left with a dude that looked like a dude?
You know he can be a dumbass when he is drunk. If he knows that the guy is on his way to being a guy and knew this before he left the bar, didn't he essentially go hang out with another guy when they were drunk?
If he had any attraction to the transition person as a woman then I would be pissed. I would want to know why he didn't feel like his life was fulfilled at home.
If he thinks of the guy as a man, it is not that he left with a woman that is important it is what was in his head. If he had it in his head that he was with a man then the fact that the man is still at the present time a woman doesn't really matter.
And give me a break you made him go gay. Sweetie, breathe. You are pissed at the prospect that he was attracted to the chick part, not the guy part.
I think you need to stop feeling like you need to do something and give your brain enough time to catch up with the emotions. You will be fine no matter how this plays out and you know that. | |
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Posted: 3/20/2008 9:25:09 AM | Thanks K; I knew you'd see this here and offer your opinion.
And you're right as usual.
S'why I love you.
Bunny | |
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| I'm Dyin Here...
Posted: 3/20/2008 9:37:39 AM | I can understand that you are upset,
but you are talking about a year long relationship here...
Before you end it, you should talk to your guy.
Some people on forums are quick to say "run, op, run", "kick his as$$"
at the first sign of trouble in a relationship.
I think one needs to work on solving problems and not give up at the first sight of trouble.
I'm sorry but weather she has been with him a year or just met him she has a profile on a dating site looking for a man. Now there is nothing wrong with that but it would seem to me she was looking for someone better than who she is with anyway. Further more: she wanting to be a he or a he that is a she but thinks its a he so want to do something about that. It is a woman as long as it has a viginia. It's not proper for him to go home with this thing and drink till 4 in the morning and expect her to be ok with that. He didn't call, he didn't invite her along. Something smells funny! Looks like a duck and sounds like a duck, just don't know if the duck lays eggs or not 
If he thinks of the guy as a man, it is not that he left with a woman that is important it is what was in his head. If he had it in his head that he was with a man then the fact that the man is still at the present time a woman doesn't really matter.
Still no reason to go home with this person. They talked at the bar, they just met and he went home with this person. THIS IS NOT NORMAL BEHAVIOR!
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| I'm Dyin Here...
Posted: 3/20/2008 9:39:51 AM | hey Bunny, sorry to hear your troubles, and this comment is not meant to be insulting, and is in noooo way supporting his indefensible actions, but perhaps he feels that you are not so commited given the ongoing pof account? This is just an uninformed thought as i don't know your situation, but from my perspective, the second thing that will go after my act of commitment (just made that word up..) will by my account here on this site.
Again, not implying anything, just a comment. | |
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Posted: 3/20/2008 9:45:52 AM | Bunny...once the dust settles on your shock (and hurt - not forgetting the breach of trust), the only real question is can you accept this behavior in the relationship and live with it...or not. And if not, whether you two can revisit your respective expectations within the parameters of the relationship or not.
You're not as lost as you perceive yourself to be, just blind-sided. You'll figure it out.
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| I'm Dyin Here...
Posted: 3/20/2008 9:46:28 AM | See, in a way I think you are overreacting a little bit.
There is really no evidence that he cheated on you.
I once knew a girl who was also going through transistion to a male.
She had no sexual interests in male. She felt as if she was a boy in a girl's body, and she was completely attracted to females.
She hungout with guys all the time, pure innocent fun.
If he were to cheat on you, he would probably try to hide it, instead of get a ride home from his/her place and then tell you about it right after.
Chances all they did was hangout and didn't do anything, and I doubt he's gay either.
You gotta be able to trust someone in a relationship, and chances are he trusted you enough to tell you the truth and hope you would understand.
It would be differnent if it was just a lesbian. I had my first boyfriend cheat on me with a lesbian for 2 months!
Best advice I can give you... is don't assume anything yet. Go ahead and meet her with an open mind. Maybe if you can get a feel of how she is, then you can make a better "assumption" on weather he was honest or not. Try to think out of the box, calm down a little bit and look at it from a differnt point of view, and maybe that can give you some settlement. It would be a little irrational to just say **** it, I don't care, don't want to get down to the facts, and **** this one year relationship which I thought was going well.
Mistakes like that are the demise of really good relationships, simply because one partner assumes something and screws everything up.
Good luck.
Bite.Me. | |
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Posted: 3/20/2008 9:51:48 AM | | First off NOT your fault period!! You are a beautiful sweet lady and still young... please don't settle. Does he work? I don't know anyone who would party till 4 am during the week. That said it would be a red flag for me if my significant other went out and ended up with someone till 4 with no call . I am like you in okay to go out with friends but with him living with you should have called and no way to go home with he/she just not right . Hope you will be okay . | |
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Posted: 3/20/2008 9:58:55 AM | yr profile sez U are going to church these days. Bravo! Smart move. Take what you can & leave the rest. It will be good for you. You will likely find better-intentioned people there than at any bar. If you take Dingbat back more than once is you making yourself a doormat. You recalled doing this previously wi someone else, you and this dude are now on the stage playing the same roles. You didnt change anything about yourself, attracted the same type & of course get the same result. If you always do the things you did, you always get the things you got. Same script, different actor. Dont be so hurt, open your eyes & CHOOSE. Do I want to continue this way, or make a change or changes? Whether U have a friend or 2 or 3 or a boyfriend or nobody take care of YOURSELF. Spiritually via church is one way, eat local fruit & vegetables and try to eliminate junk/fast snack food which cost you for empty calories only. You are making more money.....be certain to SAVE for a rainy day. Don't tell your drinker about it. Read yr Profile. Do you think it would attract a mature responsible person?
We Teach People How to Treat Us. We seem to keep Repeating lessons till we 'get it'.
Can he go 3-4 wks without drinking? Does drinking control him? Drinkers bring tons of pain to others. I know it well. | |
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Posted: 3/20/2008 10:01:33 AM | yr profile sez U are going to church these days. Bravo! Smart move. Take what you can & leave the rest. It will be good for you. You will likely find better-intentioned people there than at any bar. If you take Dingbat back more than once is you making yourself a doormat. You recalled doing this previously wi someone else, you and this dude are now on the stage playing the same roles. You didnt change anything about yourself, attracted the same type & of course get the same result. If you always do the things you did, you always get the things you got. Same script, different actor. Dont be so hurt, open your eyes & CHOOSE. Do I want to continue this way, or make a change or changes? Whether U have a friend or 2 or 3 or a boyfriend or nobody take care of YOURSELF. Spiritually via church is one way, eat local fruit & vegetables and try to eliminate junk/fast snack food which cost you for empty calories only. You are making more money.....be certain to SAVE for a rainy day. Don't tell your drinker about it. Read yr Profile. Do you think it would attract a mature responsible person?
We Teach People How to Treat Us. We seem to keep Repeating lessons till we 'get it'.
Could he go without drinking for 3-4 weeks? Does it control him? | |
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Posted: 3/20/2008 10:03:42 AM |
but perhaps he feels that you are not so commited given the ongoing pof account? This is just an uninformed thought Definitely uninformed, the OP's profile states she is looking for "Friends", she doesn't maintain her profile looking to score with new partners; read this thread if you think you need to remove a PoF profile if you have found a committed relationship:
http://forums.plentyoffish.com/9509751datingPostpage10.aspx | |
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Posted: 3/20/2008 10:27:00 AM | Bunny - you're killing me here! First - your subject line got my attention - then when I read your dilemma! Gee... are you sure you're not in NY. This happens all the time in this neck the woods!
Bottom line - If I'm in a committed relationship and something happens like she goes off with someone else - good riddance!
I've got high self-esteem and I'm a man of my word. If she is the type of person that would go off and do something like go off with someone for the night...
I'll tell her - get the hell out and knock yourself out with the other one (or it - in your case).
Now of course - you've got some other concerns - like did I turn him into or do I really know how to pick em...
Hey chalk it up to experience - hold your head up high and move on... | |
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Posted: 3/20/2008 10:28:34 AM | I don't need to read a ten-page thread to know my own feelings on this subject. Frankly this site is a poor substitute for finding friends, and as many posts have alluded to in other threads.. the search for friends is usually a veiled attempt at finding something you are not already happy with in your current and real life.
There are very few posts here and all over this site that reflect true compassion for the original poster, most are just made to make one feel better about themselves and their own past behaviours. | |
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| I'm Dyin Here...
Posted: 3/20/2008 10:40:36 AM |
There are very few posts here and all over this site that reflect true compassion for the original poster, most are just made to make one feel better about themselves and their own past behaviours.
I have in part a difference of opinion on this remark. Some posters for sure have their own "agendas" but BMO, there is a propensity to confuse compassion with enabling. I can understand why the OP started this thread as I think it's a fair statement (only she knows, of course) to say that she is in a bit of an embarrassing dilemma as well. Not a subject that one is inclined initially to discuss with real life friends.
JMO
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| I'm Dyin Here...
Posted: 3/20/2008 10:44:02 AM | ^^^ to the post above. No you don't need to read his 10 page post she might have that she looking for a friend but it a dating site none the less plus if he would have taken the time to read her profile he would have noticed things like this
<div class="quote"> I'm lookin for a Kinda cute, kinda hot, kinda sexy, hysterically funny, but not funny-looking guy to get with...tell me where THAT quote came from & you may have a shot...
is that the only kind of friends she looks for? I think not!
Like I said, theres nothing wrong with her looking for someone better but she should use what he did as an excuse to move on. Weather it was innocent or not he went home with someone he just met at the bar till 4 in the morning and drinking the whole time. Of course then she isn't in the committed relationships she claim to be in. things that make you say HMMMMMMM
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| I'm Dyin Here...
Posted: 3/20/2008 10:46:11 AM | I am hearing Co-dependency here.....I know I am a recovering Co-dependent. I say kick his ass to the curb and get some help so you take control of your life and start attracting what you want instead of what you need.
Antonietta :-) | |
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| I'm Dyin Here...
Posted: 3/20/2008 10:46:51 AM | Hunny Bunny,
I can tell you are in great pain. I understand what that feels like.
You now need to ask yourself what it will be like when he does this again 2 years from now.
I say RUN AWAY and don't look back. It will be hard, it's true. The pain in the pit of the stomach, every stupid love song on the radio. . .I know all this.
But his actions on several counts are not OK, and you deserve better.
Best of luck, friend!
Janet | |
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| I'm Dyin Here...
Posted: 3/20/2008 10:52:19 AM | | what would possess him to leave with a trangender if in fact he doesn't have "tendencies?"...tough call i suppose, however being in a committed relationship should not warrant this kind of behavior whether he said he cheated or not. Thids is a decision only you can make, I sure know what I would do... | |
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Posted: 3/20/2008 11:01:53 AM | Bunny,
If you're in an exclusive relationship, what are you doing on this dating site?
I briefly dated a guy who told me emphatically that I was "the only one for him," yet daily (DAILY) he was surfing around on another dating site... (he didn't know I knew he was on there). Translation: the beginning of the end of his time with me.
My advice is if hun, if you're in a relationship and you feel even the slightest desire to "browse" dating sites, you just shouldn't be in that relationship, for whatever reason(s).
~Sus. | |
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| I'm Dyin Here...
Posted: 3/20/2008 11:11:05 AM | I'm not speaking for the OP here; I don't think she was looking for a profile review per se when she created this thread, but the sentiment of many people here seems to make sense after I carefully read some of the details in the OP's profile.
Bunny, it does seem strange that if you expected monogamy from this guy with whom you cohabitate who dabbled with the tranny, perhaps you might have edited your dating site profile to remove all the sexual innuendos from it. I'm not being critical, just making a comment about how you can get from point A to point B regarding this issue right here. | |
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Posted: 3/20/2008 11:21:24 AM | | I may be off base, but her profile has nothing to do with her live-in BF leaving a bar with a pre-op she to he. | |
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Posted: 3/20/2008 11:36:02 AM | I changed my status and stuff this am. As far as I'm concerned, it's over.
Bunny | |
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Posted: 3/20/2008 11:43:27 AM | | Sorry Bunny but I hear that there are plentyoffish in the sea. Best wishes | |
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Posted: 3/20/2008 12:13:33 PM | Sorry Bunny but time will heal and you will find a great one soon ..
Good luck | |
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Posted: 3/20/2008 12:52:49 PM |  hola i just read most of the responses to the OP ....everyone i see writing advice ....goes on the fact of Presumption and Assumption......first questions i would ask myself is did my mate show a pattern in the past of flirting.....what is my mates track record??? (be honest with yourself to).....he/she she/he.....i dont know to me it is speculation whether it is so or not.....one can say many things about a night out on the town without he's/her mate.....yet the track record of ones partner will pretty well show some kind of pattern......does my mate lie to me all the time is what i first would look at.....now if i say yes and try and justify in anyway then what ever is happening is of my own acceptance because yet i am co-dependent and have never looked at myself and my insecurities......you reap what you sow OP and if you believe in your partner because your partner show a good track record then more than likely nothing happened and it is just like your partner stated.....however because what i see in your words ....i see insecurities ....more then likely something happened on his part....in a relationship it takes two to either conform bind or solidify trust in a relationship or the opposite distrust one another but yet justify the others actions because of one's own insecurities (co-dependencies) of loosing one's mate.....whether your partner is swinging it with another guy or is a womanizer is irrelevant.....what is relevant is what kind of trust does your relationship have in the past....do you two fight quit a bit or do you two get along most of the time and when you to do fight you two are quick to resolve issues before the get out of hand and create resentment???that is what i would be looking at..... | |
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