| I'm Dyin Here...
Posted: 3/20/2008 1:54:55 PM | yeah, a few here read my profile before I changed it this morning.
It clearly stated that I was not single/not looking, was only here for friends and forums, etc.
In lieu of setting the both of them on fire, I decided to remove any mention of him from here and my space place, and try to be positive & upbeat, blah blah blah.
If anyone cares (I don't know if I do or not) he's sober and sorry and swears this thing has facial hair, was like hangin out with a dude, etc. That doesn't matter to me, as I used to be the ONLY one he wanted to hang out with.
So, I'm phasin myself out before he does.
Bunny | |
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| I'm Dyin Here...
Posted: 3/20/2008 2:04:46 PM | Well... that was quite abrupt.... but I guess it speaks about the relationship.
I would always give a man I care for a benefit of a doubt,
after all he did not stay out all night,
he came back... and if there was anything to hide,
he would not have this person give him a ride back home.
Obviously, your relationship and your decision to make.
However, I find it quite disrespectful that you call that other person "this thing".
As much as you are angry at your guy,
that other person has not done anything mean to you,
you don't even know him...
and you should treat them with respect...
the way you would want to be treated.
This sounds pretty ignorant and prejudiced,
and anger is not an excuse for such behavior on your part.
Any problem that needs to be addressed is primarily between you and your guy.
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| I'm Dyin Here...
Posted: 3/20/2008 2:22:19 PM | Dear Bunny
You won't die.Just gather your self repect,get yourself some travelin' shoes and walk.
You just got a peek through the door.
All this is aparent to HIM...that this is what he wants sexually,be it an experiment or not.
Do not play Mummy to this guy.
I know it is easy to say be more selective...but do it...next time.
Do not waste your time trying to dephier his motives...it is a revelation for you,and a lucky one at that.
And please after you tell him to get lost...under no circumstances let his I'm sorrys,sway him back into your life.
Be good to yourself.You deserve it!
James | |
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| I'm Dyin Here...
Posted: 3/20/2008 2:27:09 PM | Bunny - probably a good choice. Personally, I don't accept drunk as an excuse and sorry when sober as a viable excuse either. Anyway, IMO, whatever you choose to do in your situation, I would encourage you to reflect a bit on the communication aspect of your relationship with this man. Sounds a little like you both had different understandings when he went out alone. Not justifying his behavior at all, but in relationships - each person has a share of ownership.
This element is a bit concerning, IMO:
as I used to be the ONLY one he wanted to hang out with.
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| I'm Dyin Here...
Posted: 3/20/2008 5:04:44 PM | As much as I understand your first reaction to this you have not totally thought this out yet and asides from all this I think you are too quick in changing your profile says much about you .. you haven't even resolved this issue yet and have probably a long way to go to work this out... oh well.... your life of course but you here asking questions....
so "I" would also have to go along with the advice redCassandra said in message 25 , I want to quote it all as it is a excellent advice but it is probably too long to quote and
Some people on forums are quick to say "run, op, run", "kick his as$$"
at the first sign of trouble in a relationship.
I think one needs to work on solving problems and not give up at the first sight of trouble.
and Bite.Me in message 32
Best advice I can give you... is don't assume anything yet. Go ahead and meet her with an open mind. Maybe if you can get a feel of how she is, then you can make a better "assumption" on weather he was honest or not. Try to think out of the box, calm down a little bit and look at it from a different point of view, and maybe that can give you some settlement. It would be a little irrational to just say **** it, I don't care, don't want to get down to the facts, and **** this one year relationship which I thought was going well.
Mistakes like that are the demise of really good relationships, simply because one partner assumes something and screws everything up.
Seriously THINK, TALK to your partner don't react so quickly take a breath and talk to him things aren't always as they seem in the heat of the moment.. don't be irrational. Hear him out first then make ainformed decision.
Best of luck. | |
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| I'm Dyin Here...
Posted: 3/20/2008 5:19:51 PM | they do say "what doesnt kill us makes us stronger" ...keep strong and keep fighting on  | |
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| I'm Dyin Here...
Posted: 3/21/2008 6:53:37 AM | Thanks y'all.
I'm just kinda playin it by ear right now; holiday weekend with his kid and a blizzard out, I can't exactly tell him to kick rocks.
We'll see.
But yeah, thanks EVERYONE for your opinions; whether you think I'm too quick to move on or he's stupid or whatever, I value everyone's input.
S'why I still hang out here.
Bunny | |
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| I'm Dyin Here...
Posted: 3/21/2008 7:25:05 AM | | do me a favor, just forget about the tranny part of this equasion, the fact is he went home with someone else {man/woman}period, unless you guy's have an open relationship,then the plain simple truth is he cheated !!!no if's and's or but's, if the suffigiant other will go out get drunk and go home with another person then he is not vested in your relationship eanuff, now nor will they be in the future, once a cheater always a cheater, my advice to you is simple tell him "it's been real it's been fun, have a nice life " and you move on, there are sooooo many guy's out there that want just what you want , why in the world would you, put up with that ,where's your self respect, it may hurt now but would you want it to increase as time move's along , what happens next well i got drunk an i met this 15 yr old, or i got drunk and i found this dog, demand the respect you deserve an tell him to have a nice life an move on | |
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| I'm Dyin Here...
Posted: 3/21/2008 9:22:47 AM |
I'm just kinda playin it by ear right now; holiday weekend with his kid and a blizzard out, I can't exactly tell him to kick rocks.
We'll see.
Bunny, yes you can if you want to. Easy enough to set he and his "kid" up in a motel for the weekend. Or even take a fews days yourself away from the situation. How convenient that this all happens just before his child visits. Impeccable timing actually.
I agree with the poster that follows your post from which I quoted above, this is a huge self-respect issue not to mention disrespect towards you. No matter what excuses he offers and how much he apologizes, and how hurt you feel, it doesn't change the fact that he demonstrated by his behavior that night his attitude towards you. That aspect is really all you need to know about this man. The longer you play with "hot coals" playing it by ear, rather than kicking this guy to the curb, the more you condone his disrespectful behavior. Don't relinquish your boundary of being respected to anyone.
When you started this thread, you felt like you were dying. Stay in this situation, that feeling you had then will pale in comparison to what lies ahead. Some core boundaries in life should not be negotiable in any healthy relationship - respect being a huge one as is trust. He violated both - his bad. It becomes your bad if you can't push beyond the hurt and take decisive action. You can't change him or fix him, but you can leave that situation. Far too many decent men out there to waste any more time with this guy of yours. IMHO.
Lastly, go back over your posts in the thread. You started out very deeply hurt, then made a decision to act in your best interests, now the justification is creeping in to avoid acting in your best interests. You're worth more than what this man is dishing out on you. Don't disrespect yourself and diminish your worth for anyone. This is a slam-dunk "see ya - wouldn't want to be ya" not rocket science cut your losses and move on situation. It really is that simple.
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| I'm Dyin Here...
Posted: 3/21/2008 10:06:39 AM | I think God intervened; it'sblizzarding out, so no kid this weekend; that means he's stuck an hour away with no way home (long story, rideshare thing,carpool buddy ditched outta work and I ain't going to get him cause the kid doesn't need a ride)
let him spend the weekend in cowtown. I'm sure he can stay with his parents. I have no reason to go there otherwise (my kid's dad lives in the same town, but she's with him till next week for spring break)
Maybe he'll realize what he did wrong, but by then my stuff will be packed. I have to do this quick like a band aid or I won't do it at all, as I know me too well.
And yeah, it's more about respect than anything. he had ALL mine till this happened, now not so much.
oh, and I turned my cell off. So he CAN'T call....I figure if I wasn't worth a phone call then, why now?
Bunny | |
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| I'm Dyin Here...
Posted: 3/21/2008 7:39:55 PM | | You checked that your not over reacting here? Have you actually got any idea if he cheated on you or not? Maybe he jsut had a good night, got plastered and at the time it sounded like it would be good to carry on drinking and partying, maybe he didnt mention it to you because he was drunk or thought that you'd blow up at him. It's not the nicest thing to do leave your partner wondering whats happened to you, but it doesn't sound like its a regular thing. Personally i'd be a bit pissed of if my gf didn't trust me, sure if i cheated or i was being a****hanging out with random women all the time I'd expect my ass to be kicked to the curb, but from what you've said it doesn't sound like that. Not meaning to be harsh just another viewpoint. | |
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| I'm Dyin Here...
Posted: 3/22/2008 6:23:44 AM | Point taken, but you make it sound like I'm they typical "lose your mind at your man every time they want to have fun without you" type woman, which I'm not;
He SAID he'd be back in 10; he wasn't. And when he got home, there was no sign that my distress bothered him AT ALL.
If it happened once, it'll happen again, and I don't think I want to be here when it does.
I remember all too well what it feels like to lie awake and wonder where they're at, what they're doing and who they're with.
I have teenagers. I can worry like that about THEM, thanks.
Bunny | |
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| I'm Dyin Here...
Posted: 3/22/2008 7:09:42 AM |
I have teenagers. I can worry like that about THEM, thanks.
Precisely. Since when is it a woman's role to parent an adult anyway?
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| I'm Dyin Here...
Posted: 3/22/2008 9:46:33 AM | | Back in 10 puts a really different spin on things and I think what may be hard to understand is that there is a lifestyle clash here as well as this particular situation. I think you were hoping it was not going to come to a head. Do what you have to do and you are right, do it now. The girls will be fine. | |
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| I'm Dyin Here...
Posted: 3/23/2008 9:42:48 AM | I don't blame you for being upset. I would have called, for me that's a priority. One of my faults is always expecting the other person to at least give me the courtesy I would give them.
Secondly I wouldn't have went to the bar alone in the first place.
You have to wonder what might happen next time. The lack of a phone call, and being late would make me wonder what the heck was going on too. I won't give you advice because you have to do what's best for yourself.
After being out of a long term myself after almost a year, for very similar reasons. Lack of courtesy or respect of how their actions were making me feel.
Hope you get to feeling better. | |
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| I'm Dyin Here...
Posted: 3/23/2008 11:43:35 AM | Hi Op..
I'm also trying to cope with some heavy shit my guy has been leading a double life. he told me two weeks ago. and I'm still in shock...
All I can say is get rid of him you dont need this ..do you know if its the first time. is it going to be the last..Best thing would to get rid.. then take it a day at a time.Once the trust is gone. thats it.Its pointless talking he has done it, sleeping with someone you have a choice to say yes or no.He is with you.He had a choice. he chose to go and do what he did. without a second thought.What is there to talk about. If you did it.Would he give you a second chance.
Any guy or woman that gives a commitment and dose not keep it...is not worth your time and effort.
good luck in your life choices | |
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| I'm Dyin Here...
Posted: 3/23/2008 12:24:32 PM | yeah, I've pretty much made up my mind; I can't keep doing the same things and expecting different results.
I really do think he swings a little left of center, there have been other "clues" that I took as metrosexual. I don't have a problem with gays, I just can't see a place for them in MY love life.
Peter Pan can go play with the Lost Boys all he wants. Only games I wanna play are golf and paintball.
Bunny | |
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| I'm Dyin Here...
Posted: 3/23/2008 9:07:44 PM | Well it sounds like to me you're making the right decisions for all that's happened. I feel for you. All though I found out a year after my engagement was broken off that he was into guys! Thank goodness it ended when it did but it doesn't stop it from still hurting sometimes.
I can't keep doing the same things and expecting different results.
I wish more people would realize that. Very true words even though they're much easier said then done.
Good luck with everything! | |
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| I'm Dyin Here...
Posted: 3/24/2008 8:48:30 AM | | I dunno, I knew a man who was "half-way" through his journey of becoming a woman, and we used to hang out a lot. His name was Ricky, but he became Vicky, and she was shunned by everyone in town, except for a handful of us who looked beyond that and into her personality. She actually was a blast. Never came onto me, just was my friend. | |
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| I'm Dyin Here...
Posted: 3/24/2008 9:23:17 AM | and again, I say, I have no problem with gays. What I have a problem with is my man going home with someone who is less than sure of their own orientation.
And I REALLY don't think it was as he says, otherwise he woulda called me to come hang out or to check in (I said before, we live in the city and there are ambulances blowin past our house CONSTANTLY, so it's only courteous that he let me know he's not become the neighborhood's newest speed bump), he always does when it's innocent.
Whatever; it's done now, and he doesn't seem to be that broken up over it, so I guess it's best, cause a friend of mine said it ain't love if it's not reciprocated;
Anyone wanna buy a futon? He DID leave me with a couple of nice pieces of furniture I don't need. lol.
Bunny | |
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| I'm Dyin Here...
Posted: 3/24/2008 9:28:02 AM | Hell no, you didn't make him gay. His being gay is not the bad part of what he did.
Sounds like he's scum bag whether he's gay or not and you aren't responsible for his morals.
You deserve something better.
Believe me, many of us are having an impossible time finding someone worthy.
You are not alone in that.
Soleil | |
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| I'm Dyin Here...
Posted: 3/24/2008 9:30:21 AM | I always tell my friends there is a very simple way to tell if they have a good relationship. In a good one, people don't hurt each other.
I could expand that simple sentence into a book, but I don't think it's necessary. You get the point don't you?
The Eagle | |
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| I'm Dyin Here...
Posted: 3/24/2008 9:46:04 AM | Oh I get it all right.
I need to rethink my choices in men, simple as that. I'm NOT going to find the guy I'm looking for, he doesn't exist.
I want a tattooed bad boy musician with a heart, morals and a conscience.
See, I told you he didn't exist.
Bunny | |
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| I'm Dyin Here...
Posted: 3/24/2008 9:52:00 AM | OK OK I LOVE THIS POST! Here is my read on this... He was in the bar chatting up a lovely lady, he was making progress and they took it to her place, they get more comfortable and either he sobers up and figures it out or she tells him thinking perhaps he will still go for it at this point. He thinks OMG everyone at the bar knows I left with a tranny! He goes home and goes to sleep the next day he admits it to you for spin control. He is not gay ... he may be Bi but you have been with him and probably know this or not. He is willing to go home with someone else from the bar and that is what you really need to think about. .... SOrry for your pain but this kind of thing cracks me up! I wonder how far things got before he had a clue?  | |
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| I'm Dyin Here...
Posted: 3/24/2008 10:01:25 AM | | Living together is definately making a commitment in my book, even if its unspoken. But if hes that dense, and you feel its just one slip up, then say it loud and clear and make him understand that it has to be exclusive. Do you really think hes worth it honey? If you do, and you can get over the ickiness factor, then I think a second chance is warranted. I know its just my opinion, but thats what I would do. If he screws up again, Then coat him with honey and tie him up on a fire ant hill. | |
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