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| I'm Dyin Here...
Posted: 3/24/2008 10:02:54 AM | One can only hope that's the way it went; at least then I wouldn't be the ONLY one sufferin from the embarassment of it all.
Maybe THAT'S why he didn't want me to go to that bar last nite(he called, I texted him & told him I was goin out, I didn't go, but you think I'ma let him know I'm sittin at home?) he texted back don't go to Bar X (not callin names, don't want to wreck anyones business) it's not a place where I should go alone, um, ok there fancy pants.
Bunny
Bunny | |
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| I'm Dyin Here...
Posted: 3/24/2008 10:05:12 AM | The point isn't that he went out or got drunk. The point isnt even whether it's a he/she or she/he. The point is he left and went home with someone other than coming home to you.
And as far as the transgender thing. Some females that change to male are still attracted to men. They just go from becoming a female into men to a male into men. They just want to be in the correct body that they think they should have been born with.
You need some really straight up talk with your S/O. And sooner than later. Being drunk is no excuse. Oh sorry didnt mean that straight up talk thing as a pun. | |
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| I'm Dyin Here...
Posted: 3/24/2008 10:09:25 AM | | I agree this may have sent your head reeling for a bit ... HOWEVER .... I think you need to listen ot GREYSHAM ... she has it exactly right .... the other person certainly isnt going to be interested in any man ! Meet the transgender person .. you just may find an awesome friend there ! | |
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| I'm Dyin Here...
Posted: 3/24/2008 10:15:27 AM | I think I have enough screwed up people in my life, don't need to add to my reasons to need therapy.
i.e. my 19 year old daughter's best friend, lesbian (with a girlfriend) who slept with one of my dude friends (he's 22)when she was here; still trying to figure THAT one out & sort out the whole mess, cause he thought he converted her;
Bunny | |
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| I'm Dyin Here...
Posted: 3/24/2008 10:48:48 AM | That is SO TRUE, Ken,,,,,what fun it would have been to be a little mouse in the corner watching the whole scene transpire!
Sounds like a sit com! 
(No offense, Bunny, but it is sort of funny!) | |
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| dump him
Posted: 3/24/2008 10:57:46 AM | | hello sorry to hear about your heart break. dump the guy. you cheat once and u for give him he will cheat again. hes only sorry because he was caught. if you really love some one you would never think about ever cheating. good luck. find you a better guy with a good heart. | |
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| I'm Dyin Here...
Posted: 3/24/2008 10:33:09 PM | | What ever decision he made is no reflection of you...just cause he had a moment of stupidity doesn't mean it's your fault, however I would RUN and RUN fast! | |
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| I'm done with the whole mess
Posted: 3/25/2008 6:52:41 AM | I'm out of another dysfunctional situation; thanks everyone, I REALLY appreciate all the diff viewpoints, basically it all boils down to respect, which I deserve, and loyalty, which I demand.
Bunny | |
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| I'm Dyin Here...
Posted: 3/25/2008 7:13:22 AM | Bunny
My husband went out with friends, went to shoot pool, out to drink whatever. I never worried about what he was doing because I knew what he was doing. I trusted him enough to let him have some out and about time. I had my own too, no one strayed. I think you need to move on sorry to say.
NO one should rub your nose in this, shite happens. | |
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| I'm done with the whole mess
Posted: 3/25/2008 7:13:33 AM | | I see a RED FLAG....If he was so drunk, why didn't he just ask that person to take him home and just hang out with you instead. My two cents......Common sense / RESPECT and consideration would have put you first. It was something that he felt he needed to go to a bar alone .... | |
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| I'm Dyin Here...
Posted: 3/25/2008 7:14:57 AM | | Cheating (or the possibility that he might have) is one thing I have never had to deal with, but I can tell you this.....any man that I am involved with who allows himself to get picked up by...or picks up another woman/man/transexual is going to get dumped. Period-end of story. | |
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| I'm Dyin Here...
Posted: 3/25/2008 7:53:07 AM | Wow... Bunny... wow..
While I am not going to deliberate over wether or not he cheated because only he knows this...I do wonder if he already knew this person before, or were the so open about their status over drinks (of course most people don't lie when they're drunk.)
I myself have all male friends, while I'm single right now, I am 100% mono when I am with someone. He would have to understand though that I am not going to give up my friends (I did that before.. and when the relationship was over I had no one...) reactively I would have to also accept his female friends and yes I can be a jealous person, but it has to be 50-50, you can't give less than you expect to get.
I do agree that no one in a serious relationship should be out all hours of the night and not even call.
The thing that does matter is that you felt cheated on and your perceptions will not change even with proof, your feelings could be abated but never fully recovered. You did what you felt was right for you and that is your first step to moving on to better things. I commend you on your courage to do what's right for you. Good luck!
(and no there is no such thing as a bad-boy with a conscious.... been there...) | |
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| I'm Dyin Here...
Posted: 3/25/2008 7:53:26 AM | | hey bunny if you belive him i ggot some land for sale about 500 miles west on la it would be just up your ally hehe. | |
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| I'm done with the whole mess
Posted: 3/25/2008 7:35:17 PM | I agree with you--and think you are right to get out of the relationship. Bottom line and brass tacks is he should have brought (or asked s/he to bring him to your home). As long as you hold out for respect and loyalty it'll help make better choices. Keep hanging in there! | |
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| I'm done with the whole mess
Posted: 3/25/2008 9:19:15 PM | Well, there are several things happening here.
1. After a thread goes more than 2 pages, most people only read the first couple messages and then fire off some "advice" that shows how little they read the entire thread.
2. I've been here long enough to know that RedCassandra gives excellent advice. Bite.Me also provides an excellent viewpoint. Whenever I see Red's posts in the forums I always stop to read and I usually agree that everything she says makes more sense than the vast majority of other random posters.
3. Due to #1, most people didn't read advice from #2. You therefore got a lot more opinions that you are better off out of the relationship and that you didn't overreact, and he's some scumbag loser.
4. People are going on assumptions that just because the person he "went home with" has female genitals (probably for not much longer), that he automatically cheated, and he somehow turned gay. As I understand it, if it was a guy who was born a guy he "went home with" none of this would be a problem. It's only because the person was born female that this sends up warning signs about the end of the world (or relationship in this case.
5. Everyone assumes worst case scenario.
6. He realizes that what happened the night before upset you and tried to apologise. It's then assumed as a clear sign that he cheated, and therefore forgiveness is not an option.
7. You likely overreact about a lot more things. Referring to #4, you sound a lot like my last ex, and I'd probably be the one saying good riddance, not you.
8. There are 3 sides to every story, yours, his, and the truth. We have only been told one side.
9. Previous behavior is not always an indication of future behavior. Has this situation happened before? If this is a first time, and he truly realizes he messed up, I would not expect something like this to happen again. Ask yourself this, if this night had never happened, what would you be thinking or feeling right now? Were there any other underlying issues? Could some different choices be made? Certainly. Can we rewind time to make those changes? Unfortunately not. People make mistakes, and don't always clearly think everything they do through, while considering all options and future outcomes. Have you ever made a mistake or apoligized to someone for something you had done? How would you like it if they didn't believe you, and treated you like crap, even though you had a small lapse in judgement and feel truly sorry.
10. It is far easier to dump a relationship into the trash bin and start looking for a replacement than it is to try to repair a relationship when a bump on the road occurs. I guess the "suspension system" was in pretty bad shape to begin with, and this situation resulted in the relationship being broken beyond repair, though you didn't try to repair it. You immediately looked for advice that said you should get out of it.
11. With the attitude of alot of people, regarding #10, it's no wonder that half of all marriages end in divorce. Baseball is a little more forgiving. You get atleast 3 strikes before you're out. Now the umpire can throw you out even if the first pitch was a "ball".
12. This thread feels like an episode of Jerry Springer. At least on Springer the "cheater" has the opportunity to say a few words before everyone verbally and/or physically attack him.
13. I would think of a few more, but I probably should sleep.
14. You have made your choices, and in the end, I'd say probably a bad choice.
15. My post is incredibly long, but very thoughtfully written and will probably get ignored because of it's length. | |
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| I'm done with the whole mess
Posted: 3/26/2008 4:14:59 AM | With the attitude of alot of people, regarding #10, it's no wonder that half of all marriages end in divorce. Baseball is a little more forgiving. You get atleast 3 strikes before you're out. Now the umpire can throw you out even if the first pitch was a "ball".
Considering a realtionship like baseball is a crock of BS what he did was wroung and shame on him but if she keeps him and it happens again shame on her. Now the cold hard facts she lost trust in him and when some one losses that trust its a waste of time to try as it will allways be in thier mind it will happen again, so he didnt do any thing but thats only his word and heaven forbid men dont lie. If he had any respect for her he wouldnt have went with the want a be male.
I rad reds post and i disagree with her its a year but if she trys to make it work and cant forget the shit he did than its a waste of her time. If some one pisses on you are you going to let them have a second chance. | |
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| I'm done with the whole mess
Posted: 3/26/2008 7:20:23 AM | If anyone cares, I let him read this whole diatribe, and he is BENT at me for questioning his sexuality; says my jealousy is the root of all my problems, blah blah blah.
I'm NOT THAT jealous, only when somebody is supposed to be my man and they go home with somebody else. I think that is justifiable jealousy; if not, then what is the point in being in a relationship? We are working on being friends, as he WAS my best friend and I don't want to lose that, but I don't think that anything more than that will ever be possible again, as a lot of people have said, it's always gonna be in the back of my mind.
I went out last nite to blow off some steam and guess who was there? Yup. He comes over & sits by me, I speak and stuff, but then this biker dude starts chattin me up (I don't know why strangers feel the need to talk to me when I'm out, but it ALWAYS happens) I could see that he wasn't happy with it, but the dude was nice, so we talked a bit, I even included Mr Confused in the conversation when we started talking about work, so he could see that I wasn't throwing him over for this dude just to be a ****, he gave me his number (long story, it's about a bowling alley & the people that own it, not cause he wants to date me or anything, I don't THINK) and he ****ed me out when I went to get in my car to leave. He compared it to the situation that we are in, and I told him no, there's a difference, I didn't go home with this dude.
I left, went to another bar closer to home and he was there too; city this big and I still can't get away from it; then, I get chatted up by a (I believe, flannel, trucker hat and manly ways, I didn't ask but that's the vibe I got) lesbian at the next place. I spoke and was cordial, but again DID NOT go home with this person. And was home in bed ALONE by 11:30.
Good thing his eyes don't shoot fire, I'd be a singed bunny by now.
And I didn't do any of it to piss him off, it just happened that way.
Oh, and to the poster that said that about three sides to the story, why would I lie about any of this or leave stuff out if I'm here asking for advice? I DO have a life, and am not into the drama of the daytime soaps. Oh, maybe I did leave something out, the she/he has a roommate, he's TOTALLY gay and was hitting on Mr Confused, or so he said. That better? I left it out cause it would have sounded totally made up, and was more than I could handle, given the situation but unfortunately for me it's true.
Bunny | |
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| I'm done with the whole mess
Posted: 3/26/2008 7:29:44 AM | And here are the scenes of next week's show " Bunny's World"
Will Bunny's soon to be ex boyfriend profess his undying love for her
will the biker finally have enough nerve and ask her out on a date
Will bunny go back to the Lesbian bar
will Mr Confused finally put the WD 40 away and come out of the closet singing Y M C A
Stayed tuned for the next exciting episode of BU N NY W O R L DDDDDDDDDDDDDD" | |
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| I'm done with the whole mess
Posted: 3/26/2008 8:36:17 AM | It should be noted that my #11 entry was not intended to directly compare relationships to baseball, but more as an analogy. My main point being that after one mistake the entire thing shouldn't be over. As far as I'm aware (although I may have missed it), the OP in none of her posts had mentioned anything about him cheating or flirting with other women in the past. If that sort of thing had never happened before, why the automatic assumption that cheating occurred.
Maybe I should use a different analogy... In hockey a roughing penalty only gets you a two minute-minor, now the referee can expel you from the game
For the record, I'm single, and happy that way.
I do have the capacity to forgive when I have been wronged. A second chance (reconciliation) can be given to those who are sincere, and repent for their actions. This does not mean that I'd let someone walk all over me. Forgiveness is necessary as the bitterness you feel when you've been hurt is like a cancer, and like all cancers is ultimately destructive and will prevent you from being healthy.
There was an excellent post on these forums about forgiveness. I can't find a link to it, but I'll quote two sections of it as I have it saved on my computer, and if anyone would like to read the entire thing, send me a message and I'll send a copy.
The reason to forgive/let go of the bitterness is to heal YOURSELF. The choice to let go has nothing whatsoever to do w/the person that hurt you. Whether or not I hate my mother does not affect her life at all. I can seethe about what she did every minute of the day, but it does not make one change in her life. Meanwhile, my seething takes so much of my energy, which only hurts me.
WHAT ABOUT RECONCILIATION?
Society often equates forgiveness w/reconciliation. I disagree. If the victim CHOOSES to reconcile with the person that caused the pain, I believe that the abuser must first fully “get” what s/he did wrong and atone for the damage to the extent possible.
Jealousy is in no way justifiable in a relationship. It is a negative and self-destructive emotion. My last gf thought that being jealous and possessive of your partner was a sign that you cared for them. All it shows is your insecurity and lack of trust in the relationship you are in. Trust and honesty is the foundation for most relationships, and without that from both individuals, it's like trying to build a house on a foundation that has cracks and is crumbling. You might build a relationship on it, but sooner or later it is going to be condemned.
The people who are holding onto their insecurity, and jealousy are allowing that cancer to fester inside them. They don't realize that to feel healthy again, they must go through the process of forgiveness, which is why I posted above.
Oh, and to the poster that said that about three sides to the story, why would I lie about any of this or leave stuff out if I'm here asking for advice?
I didn't say you lied or left anything out. You provided your side of the story which is biased with your emotions, attitude and beliefs. His side of the story is what he was thinking. Unless you can read his mind and relay exactly what he was thinking (or he makes a post here himself) when he was at the bar, we can only guess at what his side of the story might be like, and will of course be colored by his emotions, attitude and beliefs. Finally there is the truth which is the unbiased "3rd party" view of what exactly occurred.
Of course, if you could read his mind, you'd know exactly what had happened and know whether he cheated or it was just two guys drinking. | |
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| I'm done with the whole mess
Posted: 3/27/2008 10:14:45 AM | Hey sbnt
You are a smart guy and well spoken but to be honest it feels like perhaps you lack relationship experience.
For the record, I'm single, and happy that way.
When people come to the point where they put this kind of this out there they are not interested in opposing opinions. They are looking for validation. They want out of the relationship for this or any number of other reasons. They may color the story to sway you to the answer they want to hear but in the end the choice has already been made.
I do have the capacity to forgive when I have been wronged. A second chance (reconciliation) can be given to those who are sincere, and repent for their actions.
I feel the same way and I'm sure we all forgive and reconcile in our own time...that said someone being "sincere, and repent for their actions" should not be the only criteria for reconciliation. It also has to do with how you feel about the situation. Sometimes things end not out of hate or being jealous or any heated emotion but because the heat is gone and one bad act is more an excuse to get out of a "walking dead" relationship than anything else. I don't know the back story here but I am sure there are other issues and places where both parties have done wrong but when things get to the point where both parties are going to bars and "chatting up" other people and fighting over it...they have been over for a while. | |
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| I'm done with the whole mess
Posted: 3/27/2008 8:12:04 PM | True, I have limited relationship experience, but I have witnessed several situations in relationships with family and friends, both good and bad, have good family role models for successful long term relationships.
My parents have been separated twice, but they worked through their problems, although I was partially the cause of the second separation as I was going through my own teen issues, and it strained my parents relationship.
My last gf thought my lack of relationship experience meant that she thought she could walk over me, and tell me how a relationship should work, which was very disfunctional to put it mildly.
Anyway, I have a little bit of back story that hasn't been revealed on here, and while I'll let the OP decide if she wants to say anything more on the subject, I will say that some of the advice given on this thread was a little overzealous when it comes to dumping the relationship. Repairs can be made if both are willing to make them, but that's the key element. For a successful relationship, both need to be willing to make the repairs. | |
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| I'm done with the whole mess
Posted: 3/27/2008 10:41:13 PM | Bunny, you say you're okay with the going to the bar part but, as you can see, when alcohol is involved away from home trouble soon follows.
Why tempt fate? There comes a time when one should outgrow hanging out in bars | |
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| I'm Dyin Here...
Posted: 3/27/2008 11:06:31 PM | I read these kind of posts all the time here. It is really hard for me to understand why anyone would put themselves through the kind of punishment you are expressing. When bad things happen to good people, good people don't have to continue to put themselves in a position of receiving the bad stuff.
Regardless of how messy it is or will get, discontinue the relationship. Happiness is a choice, not a goal. And that choice is always before each and every one of us. If people come into our lives and make them miserable, the solution is obvious. Break up and don't look back. You cannot change people, don't even consider it!
As you already know, people will come and go in your life. Some will stay a long time, others just stop over. Every moment of your life is important. Don't let those moments grow into hours, days, and weeks of unhappiness. Cut to the chase and go on with your life. Search out and find peace, love, and tranquility with someone who wants to share your life the way you want it. | |
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| I'm Dyin Here...
Posted: 3/28/2008 5:25:44 AM | | Let's say you came home and caught him getting it on with the dog, would you forgive him? Different critters but critters nonetheless. Yuck | |
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