| What are we teaching our kids about family?
Posted: 3/26/2008 7:37:44 AM | | The new generation has been affected by alot of divorce in society no doubt, but we must have faith that they will find a way to believe in marriage again... | |
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| What are we teaching our kids about family?
Posted: 3/26/2008 7:54:55 AM | OP msg #24: "She knows that not all marriages fail, but she is more knowledgeable about what she should expect in a marriage thanI was 25 years ago. I think our younger generations realize marriages fail, many have lived through custody battles, dead beat dads, no visitations, etc and are determined that this won't happen to them."
Op, what and how is she more knowledgeable of what to expect than you were? Are you saying she should settle for something less? Not have too high of expectations? What?
Agreed with the exception of changing "dead beat dads" to dead beat parents"!
~ds~ | |
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| What are we teaching our kids about family?
Posted: 3/26/2008 9:24:13 AM | I've heard several teen children of divorced parents say they intend to never have children. Most of them, though, have parents who do not get along and co-parent well or one parent is totally absent.
Personally, I think my girls are aware neither of their parents are perfect. They've seen our parenting relationship evolve, and I like to think it has been a positive experience, teaching cooperation and respect for the most part.
I have encouraged the girls to place their education first and not put too much stock in relationships until they have degrees, jobs and are settled. We don't know what the future holds. We may marry our forever someone but lose them to death. We have to be prepared to go it alone, but they know that isn't the optimum environment for raising children in most situations. | |
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| What are we teaching our kids about family?
Posted: 3/26/2008 9:29:53 PM | One think I believe our kids are learning through divorce is that money talks, and generally the one with the most money wins. It appears the battle for child support and comments from NCP like I don't want your mom to have MY momey etc is teaching our kids to make sure they have their own money and are NEVER dependent on anyone.
Wish I would have learned that lesson! | |
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| What are we teaching our kids about family?
Posted: 5/7/2008 4:01:23 PM | Not to flame you greeneyed but "deadbeat dads" what the hell. I am a dad and I paid and am paying ALL the bills for my 2 sons. The reason there are so many "deadbeat dads" is because child support in all too many cases turns into b**** support. And not all women are bad mothers who waste their resources either. I know a couple who upon divorce split up their life savings and she spent it on crack and man whores. I also know a couple who upon divorce the dad just up and disappeared. Both these examples are the lowest forms of life in my opinion.
The best thing I can teach my boys now 20 and 17 is by showing a good example. All the talk in the world won't mean as much as one good action. I have let my boys know me warts and all and they still love me and I'm hoping they will one day love their mom. | |
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| What are we teaching our kids about family?
Posted: 5/7/2008 4:27:25 PM | I'm only "teaching" as an aunt and mentor, but I'm not too worried. First of all, none of my sisters are divorced so the kids have so far all been in secure families. My family is also multi-generational, with grandparents and even great-grandparents still seeing the kids every day (they baby sit after school). So I'm not worried about what they are seeing inside the family.
I'm also not worried about what they see in the media norms or the lives of their friends with divorced parents, because I think young people are naturally hopeful and idealistic. They always think that all the bad stuff is going to skip them. (Those few youths who assume all the worst that can happen will happen to them have deeper problems and if your kids are thinking like that, I suggest you get them some counseling.) In the end the divorce rate will probably continue to be around 50%. I think we've already seen the effect of changes in social and economic conditions in this modern age, and this is the new norm until another major social-cultural shift comes along (something comparable in scale with women getting legal protections around their right to work, to not be sexually harrassed, and to not be paid less than men for the same jobs). | |
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| What are we teaching our kids about family?
Posted: 5/7/2008 6:46:53 PM |
I think my children have learned to choose more wisely. I have apologized to them for picking someone that has not been the best father on the planet outside monetary support but they also know that their dad was weird, seemed to go to extraordinary lengths for their half brother
And how much have you bad mouthed their father to them?? | |
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| What are we teaching our kids about family?
Posted: 5/9/2008 2:08:26 AM |
What kinds of life lessons have we taught them? Will they be more willing to "co parent" or will they be more likely to make an effort?
I agree with simplelady (message 5). The important issue is to raise them to respect themselves and others. You don't do that by being disrespectful about the ex, at all or in front of them.....or using the child as some sort of pawn in a game of one up manship (each time I hear of that I think it is so sad for the kids concerned).
Children do indeed learn from from they see, so it could be easy to say they'd learn to fail in their relationships from us. However I believe there is an opposite side to that coin...to understand that keeping yourself in a negative relationship merely leads to sadness. I personally wouldn't want my children to think being thoroughly unhappy is the norm and the only way to live life.
We can't protect them from the fact that life is not some sort of fairy tale. Sad things do happen. It's our role to show them that regardless of that they are loved and life goes on.
And just in the role of devils advocate here....if we are meant to be a generation of divorced parents how do we explain so many on us coming from parents who are still married? 
Society and expectations change....yet showing our children right from wrong doesn't  | |
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| What are we teaching our kids about family?
Posted: 5/9/2008 5:37:09 AM |
And how much have you bad mouthed their father to them??
Hey, my kids have figured out their mom pretty damn thoroughly and I go WAY out of my way to NOT bad-mouth her. Some people really ARE jacked up, your little PAS agenda completely aside... Kids aren't stupid. | |
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| What are we teaching our kids about family?
Posted: 5/9/2008 8:47:52 AM | | We will see how all of this multiple divorce affects the family unit in 20 years and what the family unit looks like. I fear we are teaching children love btween a man and a woman does not mean much. | |
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| What are we teaching our kids about family?
Posted: 5/9/2008 5:32:09 PM | Well to the biological parents keeping their family unit togewther should matter as that sets a good example for their children.
We are teaching children to follow the money with all of this divorce and treat your ex like a wallet for child support. It may scare the younger generation off of the idea of marriage if we keep this up as a society. | |
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| What are we teaching our kids about family?
Posted: 5/9/2008 5:39:48 PM | | Guess what...it was in the early 70's that divorce became more prevalent John. We don't need to wait and study people 20 years from now....there are plenty of adults to look at who came from divorced families who are doing just fine. Some are also doing not so fine. It all depends on the person. Background and upbringing have a lot of influence, but you need to be accountable for your own choices as adults. That was a disclaimer for the upcoming......but look at society as a result of divorce. lol | |
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| What are we teaching our kids about family?
Posted: 5/9/2008 5:56:26 PM | My point is tat as dvorce became more socaially acceptable in the 70's and 80's the children of divorce think it is acceptable for their children to go through multiple divorces. I know a few people who say that their children will "Mov on and adjust easier because it is only a step parent" Yet they are the same ones who run to court to seek child support from the step parent.
I have a friend who was a single father with custody of 5 children. He met and married a woman with 4 children. They have 3 children together and joke with our legal sysyem the can't possibly afford to pay child suport after divorce so it has to work so they are working hard to make it work. They both admit they did not work hard on relationships in the past and if they did those relationships might have worked out.
Gee it takes te reality of our legal/child suppor system for some people to try to make a marriage work. It is unfortunate more people do not do this but really you should love your spouse and children enough to try harder than some people try to make things work. I am not saying all people do not try hard to make a marriage work but today some people move on without even trying and that is a bad example for the children. | |
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| What are we teaching our kids about family?
Posted: 5/9/2008 6:06:09 PM | The point was, you spend 95% of your time (approximately) b!tching about how you don't ever want to date a single mother solely because of the possible monetary impact on you should you subsequently break up.
If I have to explain it further, you have absolutely no sense of irony. | |
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| What are we teaching our kids about family?
Posted: 5/9/2008 6:33:49 PM | | To put a ray of sunshine of hope about today's children: I have an almost 19 yr old daughter, been in a serious relationship (even living currently with b/f of 2 yrs) and they both seriously believe in working things out between them. And yes, they intend on marriage and having children (when the time is right) regardless of their past, what I or his parents went through etc. Both sets messy split ups, divorces even. Todays kids do know that not all relationships will turn out the same just because it did to someone close to them. Have talked to several of their friends as well and pretty much have only come to that conclusion. Hope this cheers someone up and keeps the faith and hope alive! ty | |
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| What are we teaching our kids about family?
Posted: 5/18/2008 10:25:37 AM | | I talked my boys into signing registering on POF and taking the needs and chemistry tests. They are both very well in tune with themselves and their peers; even so they both got some interesting viewpoints. We have discussed the results at length and my oldest even discussed the results with his girlfriend. The boys love riding horses and understand the concept of "if you fall off then get back on and do it better". This has served them well in dating. I also discourage them from playing the "game" where neither party says what they want. I have explained to them if she won't tell what she wants then drop her like a poison snake. I have also told their girlfriends the same thing. Dating should NOT be like a game of texas hold em. Nor should it be like chess. In both games the object is to defeat your oponent. In dating the object is to understand your PARTNER. | |
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