| Is being too indepent and strong a blessing or curse?
Posted: 3/23/2008 2:27:07 AM | We all want to be wanted. If you can't admit to a partner that you want him (or her of course) in your life then perhaps you really are strong and independent. In that case, it's true, you don't need a man (or woman) around.
Men show affection and love many ways but one of the principal ones is by solving problems for women and doing things on their behalf. If you don't need him for anything then he feels unnecessary. He equates this to beign unwanted. When that happens, he loses whatever emotional connection he had to the woman in his life and he eventually decides to look elsewhere.
"Strong and independent" is a cliche these days and it would be wise to use the terms more prudently. Don't forget, one need only look these words up in the dictionary to find that they have no place describing any kind of healthy relationship. | |
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| Is being too indepent and strong a blessing or curse?
Posted: 3/23/2008 3:57:27 AM | It can be both a blessing and a curse. Do you want to always have your pride, or would you rather be happy with someone?
Sometimes you need to let go and just let them do something for you. Even if you know you can do it. Men are nurturers just as much as women are, but in a different way.
I am the same as you...work on my car, love my power tools etc. But sometimes you have to take a step back and let the men be men. | |
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| Is being too indepent and strong a blessing or curse?
Posted: 3/23/2008 1:33:42 PM |
it's nice to know i'm not the only woman with this issue. i have a lot of male friends who complain about women who are too needy
I think the main point here is that nobody finds emotionally needy people attractive (even women) but they do find it a turn on to be needed in other ways, such as being able to fix a washer or put a shelf up, there's a BIG difference, and as I mentioned before, it's just about finding a happy ballance. | |
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| Is being too indepent and strong a blessing or curse?
Posted: 3/23/2008 1:52:25 PM | | I'm not single for the record. I posted this question because this is a "Forum" and this is something that I'm seeing and have went through before so I want to get every ones's take on how they feel about this subject. What you made " Sean 70" was an assumption, just because a "Woman" may have this issue dosen't mean she is "Single". By the way as I said I went through this "Before" but since I have someone now he has taught me that it doesn't have to be like that always. Life is change... | |
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| Is being too indepent and strong a blessing or curse?
Posted: 3/23/2008 1:59:49 PM | Its a blessing and a curse.
A good relationship is when you both have each others back but not take it for granted or abuse it.
If you don't accept her help and she never accepts yours, you both may as well be brother & sister instead of a couple.
Be independant, but don't be unreasonable. If im in a burning building and my gf / mate is in there too, im not going to run out of there alone without checking on her while saying "she's an independant woman... she knows where the exit is & can get out of there and meet me in the front on her own just fine" | |
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| Is being too indepent and strong a blessing or curse?
Posted: 3/23/2008 2:03:06 PM | If I choose to date someone it is because I like them for who they are and not what they can do for me, or buy for me. You'd think a man, especially those who complain about needy, greedy women, would appreciate that. Instead they go for the ones who drain them of their last cent and couldnt care less about the guy himself.
This is something I never understood - I can't tell you how many times I heard growing up about women who used men or wanted men to buy them things, etc etc - seemed like the universal problem with women in my childhood from the men I knew was they cost too much.
Now men can keep their money, we have our own - and the response is they don't feel needed? Give me a break.
The bottom line is that you have to be happy with yourself. Sure, if you're rude when guys (or anyone in general) tries to help, well, you're just rude.
I agree with this - I will open my own doors, but will thank a man (or woman who holds one for me). It's not about not expecting it, but having the courtesy to appreciate it when it's offered.
Ever think that might be why you all are still single?
Most of us know this is why, which is what we've been saying. We'd rather be single than depend on someone to do things for us because of two things: 1. We SHOULD do things for ourselves as adults, and 2. We've learned in the past that waiting on others can be unrealiable.
I know as a man myself , I wanted to feel needed. I dont belive for a second that we are made to be independant of eachother. I think God made us to need eachother. Not for money or housework or anything like that, but for true love and they desire to be together.
That's fine, and within a relationship over time, you can come to the point where emotionally you sort of depend on each other (based on an established bond together).
I know I am single because the women i seem to come across are too independant. I understand the need to take care of yourself while being a single parent but I want to feel important just as each of you do im sure.
Actually in all honesty, the women here want to feel important in life, but not to the extent that our SO "needs" us, or that we expect him to revolve around us; it's an unfair pressure to put on another human being.
It's great to offer do for one another without expecting it, and appreciate it when it's offered, and it's great when two people can be together and also function as separate indivduals if need be. I don't "need" a man in my life per-se, and I don't want one to "need" me either. Either or would make me question my self esteem and motives. It's pretty even and fair - I wouldn't ever be a hypocrite about something like that.
In a relationship, I am open to appreciating things being done for me, but I also don't wait until they can if I want it done. They are more than welcome to jump in and help whenever they want, but with or without them, stuff's gettin' done. | |
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| Is being too indepent and strong a blessing or curse?
Posted: 3/23/2008 2:15:02 PM |
pamper,,,you talk bot men like they need your aprroval,,your a chick with a big ego,but not the looks to match it. or,,sadly the intellect
Oh, I am so mortified. All the pain that I have gone through to build me up to where I am emotionally pails into insignificance compared to the words of a complete stranger. Your opinions have brought me to the bottom (is that what you wanted to hear? If so, I’m glad I could make you happy) P.S I wouldn't much fancy you either, but then, I go for men and not cowards. | |
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| Is being too indepent and strong a blessing or curse?
Posted: 3/23/2008 6:31:59 PM | | I am the same way and I came to the conclusion that it takes a strong man to be with a strong woman.I will never be the helpless little female that waits around for Prince Charming to ride up on his white horse to fix something I need done. | |
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| Is being too indepent and strong a blessing or curse?
Posted: 3/24/2008 3:14:21 AM |
And always remember, independent ladies, we don't NEED a good relationship, we WANT one. That's a big difference.
Unfortunately, there's a lot of needy people out there. Maybe you're not one of them, but the fact still remains. It's one thing to brag about it, it's another thing entire to actually live it.
I would like to meet all of these independent ladies that don't use men as a crutch for utility purposes. Here's something I don't always agree with certain men; damsels in distress types are NOT attractive to me. It would be nice to legitimately be wanted; I refuse to be used up by a passive-aggressive female that feels entitled to whatever I've done accomplishment-wise and resorts to name-calling (be a "real" man and other assorted garbage) and tantrums in order to exploit others. There's more out there than you might admit.
I'd rather be single and proud. And wait for a woman who will value me for me.
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| Is being too indepent and strong a blessing or curse?
Posted: 3/24/2008 5:31:38 AM | I once watched an episode of "8 Simple Rules", when the grandfather is walking around, being miserable because he feels unneeded. So they invented things for the grandfather to do. The mother even does something to the car, so it doesn't work, and so the grandfather can fix it. But they never tell him that they did this to make him feel needed, or the game would be up, and he would know that he isn't needed. They do all this, to make him feel better, because he IS needed, just not at that moment, and if they let him continue to think he isn't needed, then he'll stop being around, and when they really need him, he might not be there.
It takes a strong and independent woman to do things herself. It takes a confident woman to know that showing weakness is a sign of strength. Be confident. | |
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| Is being too indepent and strong a blessing or curse?
Posted: 3/24/2008 5:55:17 AM | let me say that being independant is sometimes a must but we all need others from time to time as it is just part of our nature.There is a verse in the bible that says "pride goth before destruction"and another that says "God hates pride" so for me that is all I need to know.Also op if u r used to carrying the load by urself then how would u recoginize a good man if he came to u?I mean on what levels do u base his goodness?I really am not trying to be sarcastic but sometimes the simpliest questions help us see a little better that which was always there.Also op this subject has already been approached and if I am not mistaken it is still up in the forums listing just a few pages back.good luck to u  | |
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| Is being too indepent and strong a blessing or curse?
Posted: 3/24/2008 6:09:43 AM | Really great thread MizSweet.
YES, it can be a real curse at times. It is a blessing when you are by yourself, but dang as much as a few men say they want an independent woman, they sure seem to get turned off by it.
When I was married my ex resented the fact that I was so capable of taking care of things. Of course he had no problem taking advantage of the situation, but at the same time he felt "emasculated" because of it.
I remember one time we were building a deck together, and I made the mistake of picking up his 16 oz hammer, and he about flipped out. I finally had to just leave the project to him, and he made some major mistakes... LOL, which if he would have taken the time to listen to me, the mistakes wouldn't have been made.
OF course I had to pretend the mistakes didn't exist, and everything was fine, and he did a great job.....
Sometimes it seems like men like to be the White knight, and have a girl that can't do anything, or doesn't think for herself.
Which is pretty disheartening, because I too would like a great guy by my side, and have him NOT MIND lending a hand in the kitchen with me, or helping with laundry.
Oh well, perhaps one day someone will appreciate a woman that is put together.
It would be nice if men appreciate that being wanted because they are great, can be better than being needed, because a girl can't take care of herself.
Ultimately when two people get together, they do need each other. | |
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| Is being too indepent and strong a blessing or curse?
Posted: 3/24/2008 6:47:44 AM | I would like to meet all of these independent ladies that don't use men as a crutch for utility purposes. Here's something I don't always agree with certain men; damsels in distress types are NOT attractive to me. It would be nice to legitimately be wanted; I refuse to be used up by a passive-aggressive female that feels entitled to whatever I've done accomplishment-wise and resorts to name-calling (be a "real" man and other assorted garbage) and tantrums in order to exploit others. There's more out there than you might admit.
I hear this a lot - and when I start to date a guy that says this, it's ok for a month or two, and then they complain about me wanting them around when I'm in the mood. Independent women are great because they don't need you, but men also seem to have a problem with the life that you have as an independent woman, which sort of has to exist in order for you to be such.
In order for an independent woman to truly be valued, the guys we date sort of have to be as well. Yes, they need to be able to take care of themselves, and yes they have to appreciate that we do things for ourselves without taking it personally, but they also have to have either the same schedule or the ability to entertain themselves - and I think that's part of the problem.
Perhaps the level of "busy-ness" in both partners has to be somewhat even? If not, then the one who's got less going on needs to be really grounded and confident so that they don't take it that it's about them.
It takes a strong and independent woman to do things herself. It takes a confident woman to know that showing weakness is a sign of strength.
I agree it's a great thing to be able to show weakness - and I do, but not to other people. Technically, that's good enough.
Sometimes it seems like men like to be the White knight, and have a girl that can't do anything, or doesn't think for herself.
That's an interesting point - I wonder if the desire to be needed to take care of someone depends on their mood or something? It just seems to be a double edged sword to me. If a woman needs them to do everything, they complain that they feel used. If a woman does everything for herself, they complain that they don't feel needed. This "need" thing isn't ingrained as far as I am concerned, it's just habit from past generations. I just think it's real easy to say "it's the way it should be" when arguing this as a man who wants it.
I have rarely heard women display this behavior, we never take it personally that a man did something on his own (unless it involves our life as a choice in some way). If a man does something for himself, it's expected by society, and doesn't even get a second look. When a woman does, it's obviously to take the sense of purpose away from some guy. Women who do our own thing get scorned by men that it's why we're single, but men don't get this from us. Anyone else find this weird? | |
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| Is being too indepent and strong a blessing or curse?
Posted: 3/24/2008 7:01:56 AM | I cannot even imagine a man that would want to be with a gal too stupid to call AAA or know how to reach a plumber at 2am if something goes wrong. I will always pay someone to put a bicycle together or a BBQ before I'd ask the BF. If I could not afford to do that then I'd learn how to myself. I don't want to be a burden to someone else.
I also believe there's not a man out there who's not capable of learning to iron (or go to a dry cleaners) or cook for himself. It really pisses me off when a spouse or BF claims to be unable to do it when he can read a blueprint or operate a piece of complex machinery. | |
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KenNV
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Joined: 4/2/2008
Msg: 42 | |
| Is being too indepent and strong a blessing or curse?
Posted: 4/8/2008 1:10:59 PM | just keep up the independence, but i suggest putting on a blindfold at night, sprawled naked on your bed and tell the man whom you're with that he can do anything he wants with you. gotta mix it up!
but really, i think a man or woman who is independent keeps the dependency issues out of a relationship and thus prevents some irrational feelings that could make it more enjoyable. | |
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| Is being too indepent and strong a blessing or curse?
Posted: 4/8/2008 8:45:20 PM | I ask this because in certian realtionships that I've been in I've had men say to me "That I don't let them do anything, and they don't feel needed". I'm the type of woman that prides myself in doing everythig for myself cooking, changing tires, changing oil, cleaning,ect... Anything that I don't know or can't do I'll find out, and learn how to do. When I'm with someone I don't like to ask them for anything at all I think my pride won't allow me to and It feels funny. I'm not saying that I don't a good man by my side it's just that I'm used to carring the load by myself. So with that being said I'm intrested to see what you all this about this matter...
Same here, we could be the same person...lol Theres nothing wrong with being independent and strong and unafraid to learn and do what you need to, to get by in this world without ever asking for help. Unfortunately, there are very few men who arent freaked out by this, who arent scared by independence. Oh sure, they SAY they like independent women, but when it comes down to it, most (in my experience) cant handle it...and honestly do you really want to be with a man who you have to play helpless with just for him to accept you? Ive always said that when I find a man who can go toe to toe with me, no matter what the circumstance...thats the man Id marry. As you can see, Im still single  | |
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LCB07
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Joined: 1/13/2008
Msg: 44 | |
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| Is being too indepent and strong a blessing or curse?
Posted: 4/8/2008 11:04:18 PM | I've read that women like to feel cherished & men like to feel needed! I believe this to be a very true statement!
There is nothing wrong with being a strong woman & doing for yourself (I do), but I have found that it can be intimidating for some men, like we don't need them for anything. In any relationship it has to be a give & take, so ask your man to do this or that for you when you can, it doesn't have to be all the time but most men like to do for their woman. It does make them feel not only needed but "MANLY" & we shouldn't take that away from them. We as woman appreciate when a man does something nice for us because it makes us feel special right? RIGHT, LOL! So why not have them feel special too! I think guys want someone that has their act together but still have a soft side to them, not I can do it all & don't need you for anything. Learn to ask & praise them when they do something for you. We all like to give & receive & put a smile on someone 's face when we do something for them! By asking for help even if you can do it on your own doesn't mean you give up your identity or independence.
It's a lesson I've learned in life's journey. Good luck to you my friend!
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| Is being too indepent and strong a blessing or curse?
Posted: 4/9/2008 2:45:57 AM | Hey MizSweet,
I know what you mean. Being able to take care of self is a necessity for a woman in this day and age.
"I don't like to ask them for anything at all I think my pride won't allow me to..."
Not to get Biblical...but pride is a deadly sin for a reason. When you enter into a relationship, there is a certain amount of compromise in the form of give and take, as mentioned by at least one other poster.
For example, being able to change your own tires and oil is great. But if you are dating a man, who is into cars and likes or loves doing stuff like that, what's wrong with asking him to do yours. Of course, buy all the materials and have them there for him and make him a killer sandwich with a drink for when he's done...but there is nothing wrong with making a man feel needed by an independent woman. Independence doesn't mean you don't need anything, we all have needs...it means you know how to get what you want and do. Of course, that's JMHO.
ciao!  | |
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| Is being too indepent and strong a blessing or curse?
Posted: 4/9/2008 8:06:08 AM | > being able to change your own tires and oil is great.
Hence, changing his tires and oil might really impress him.
And, no, you're not allowed to take it down to Discount Tires and Quickie Change and have someone else do the actual work. | |
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| Is being too indepent and strong a blessing or curse?
Posted: 4/9/2008 8:21:08 AM | I'm speaking just for my self.. YES, I find when men find out I"m more than self supporting, own my own car and home in a sought after address, that I don't need to be taken care of or rescued, they seem to gravatate towards those who "need" them more.
This is just what I find in my travels. I would love to have a partner, friend and lover, I just don't need one to survive. | |
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| Is being too indepent and strong a blessing or curse?
Posted: 4/9/2008 11:34:43 AM | Destiny.... You gained my total respect when I read your reply to the above forum. I couldn't have said it better myself...especially your third paragraph. What's up with some of these guys?
Sunnie | |
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