| holding in the gas
Posted: 3/23/2008 8:25:00 PM | OMG OMG Grammy! Your post had me just howling here! Way too funny g/f!
This thread reminds me once. Was in a meeting at a local church. One of the elders got up to hand a piece o paper to the pastor. He farted from the moment he stood up until he got to the pastor's desk. The pastor was sittin there and rolled his eyes in the most comical way. I was dying to bust a gut right there but being polite an all....OMG though it was hillarious!
And to be honest? I grew up in a family of 8 kids. Did we not all do it, pull fingers, giggle like crazy fools? Damned righ we did. But on date? Nope. Would much rather die from internal combustion!...
An I still can't get over...'it takes a lot to gross out a dog"! OMG OMG | |
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| holding in the gas
Posted: 3/24/2008 11:24:58 AM | we are all polite out in public--but at home--ANYTHING GOES
my twelve year old granddaughter informed me that we have a weird family, I asked her why, and she said that our family thinks farting is funny and everyone else think it is gross--so, now--she is conflicted!!! I figure that a good sense of humor about anything in life is essential to living in this world.
The ones that I hate are the floaters!! Without warning you are assaulted with this horrible odor, and what do you do? Depending on the situation, you sit there trying not to breather, eyes watering, and thinking--thanks for the warning. I much prefer the howlers, at least you are warning everyone that something foul is coming and you have the option to get up and leave or sit there and suffer. | |
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| holding in the gas
Posted: 3/24/2008 12:24:07 PM | | personally i feel it's the ultimate test, if she can stand to be around you after you fart in front of her... she's a keeper, because when it all boils down to it... everyone farts whether they want to admit it or not. now if they return fire... it means war!!! | |
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| holding in the gas
Posted: 3/24/2008 12:37:31 PM | | I have such a public fear of flattulence. I can't fart around most of my closest friends. MAYBE two REALLY close guy friends. About two years ago we were sitting around the table with my cousin and his wife, who I am really close with. She rips them at will around me and laughs bc I always comment on how it's great to see women fart. I think women are like flowers and it's unnatural for them to fart or smell! LOL Anyhow, I was talking about my gaseous problem at the time and how it just kept getting worse and worse, and she pleaded me with to let her smell one. Just one, and I refused to do it! I cannot take a sh!t at someone else's house for fear that someone might smell it. Some people are pee-shy. I'm stink shy I guess. We all have our insecurities. This happens to be mine! I have gas a lot, and when I'm with a girl I'll hold it in all night, or like the OP said sneak off the bathroom or onto the balcony for some "fresh air". But when I leave later on I usually explode on the way to the car when I'm out of earshot range. Oh dear lord it feels good. | |
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| holding in the gas
Posted: 3/24/2008 1:16:06 PM | | oh deuce---------lol, you made my stomach hurt!!! Now I know that all people fart!! I just thought that for some, their farters werent working properly!!LMAO I could just see your gf following you out to the car to give you your hat and you not knowing she was there and ripping one off!!! Oh, crap, now I have to change my pants!!!!! | |
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| holding in the gas
Posted: 3/24/2008 1:35:23 PM | When my baby brother was little, around 4 or 5 years old, he told my Mom that he knew why farts made noise. He said, "When the air comes out of your butt, it comes out so fast that it makes your butt cheeks flap together really really fast!"
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| holding in the gas
Posted: 3/24/2008 1:41:05 PM | I always try holding them in, and if I can't, I make a quick escape to where I can relieve myself without anyone knowing.
I've learned this the hard way...it's those SBD (silent but deadly) ones that bust me everytime. I've thought, just on the off chance, it may be a quiet little hush that escapes, but the smell...omg, almost like something died and crawled up my butt!!!
So regardless of what I think it could come out as, I always do the "exit, stage left" routine.
*Looney Tunes melody softly playing in background as she quickly makes her exit*
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| holding in the gas
Posted: 3/24/2008 1:46:54 PM | See, things tend to crawl up into my ass first before dying. I think a gerbil may have been left up there from some crazy college party and colonized, and they've all suffocated and died over the years. The stench is neverending. The other night I was at my girlfriend's place and I snuck out onto the balcony while she went to brush her teeth before bed. Said I was going to catch some air as her apartment is really dry. Just after I let it rip the patio door opened and the area STANK. I started to laugh and I don't think she caught a whif of anything bc she didn't understand why I was laughing. I told her but it was all for nothing! Sometimes honesty ISN"T the best policy!
The WORST is when you are getting head, or I guess when a girl is being eaten out, and you've got to pass gas in the worst way and you are trying to pinch and squeeze and by any means necessary hold that sh!t in. God that is THE worst feeling in the world! LOL I'm not sure being with an extremely oral woman is a blessing or an omen! It's bound to slip one day...I'm so doomed. | |
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| holding in the gas
Posted: 3/24/2008 1:57:44 PM |
It's bound to slip one day...I'm so doomed.
You are soooo doomed....
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| holding in the gas
Posted: 3/24/2008 5:21:53 PM | Nah, not doomed, just need a little finesse. When you feel one coming on, get all romantic with her - bring her up to you and start making her feel good, or excuse yourself for a second... something... at least fart when she is away from that area! She'll appreciate the courtesy!  | |
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| holding in the gas
Posted: 3/24/2008 5:45:51 PM | one time, some girl I had a crush on visited me while I was on the computer.
luckily, those canned air dusters were on hand.
So I sprayed a potential disaster away!
If it was an air freshener - it would've been a dead giveaway
PS Beware of friends who actually use the power window lock function! | |
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| holding in the gas
Posted: 3/24/2008 5:53:04 PM | "What have you guys been eating? "
...loads of EGGS i reckon!
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| holding in the gas
Posted: 3/24/2008 6:00:41 PM | Superteach,
I usually grab her and pull her up to kiss her when I can no longer hold off. I can pinch it off if I move but it's awfully hard to do so with someone glued to your crotch. And I couldn't just blast one off in bed....they are strong enough to gag a wildebest. Even I am grossed out. | |
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| holding in the gas
Posted: 3/24/2008 7:22:06 PM | Yeah, the reciepe for pickled eggs in the reciepe section has tons of ways to make pickled eggs so you can change your aroma.    | |
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| holding in the gas
Posted: 3/25/2008 1:34:27 AM | All the time. We must be ladies don't we? But, I can tell you. During massages and with new guys, yea got to hold it. However, once I get aquainted I often don't really hold back to much. In fact I often wooed my bf under the covers, you know...pretend like I have a real improtant comment to make or be seductive and than let out a big one under the covers. ... He he he. If you are going to do it you have to make sure it is worth it. I blame my siblings for this ill behavior. They still get me even today. I crack myself up all the time too.
But seriously...no farting in the beginning stages ladies.
I think I need
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| holding in the gas
Posted: 3/25/2008 1:38:31 AM | was on some mini bus trip a while back, guy was making these really loud farts and getting blamed for all the ones that were letting by me, not sure on the food, but some of the girls were crying over them :)
perfectly natural, but chilli and garlic seem to have an effect, vegetarians do fart more of course :)
not much u can do about it when asleep though  | |
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| holding in the gas
Posted: 3/25/2008 2:02:13 AM | | On our first date, my ex boyfriend decided to wow me by removing his shirt and showing off his body - I commented on his six pack abs, and he informed me that when he flexed they were even more defined, so I asked him to flex and ... as he flexed his muscles - he let out a MASSIVE FART ! His facial expression went from smiling, to emotionless, I could tell he was MORTIFIED for farting in front of me, and was probably wondering if it had ruined the date, and what I would think of him .... But luckily for him I am not a prude, farting is natural ! and it's kinda funny. I couldnt stop laughing ... whats even funnier is how it went from him being humiliated to fart in front of me, to being so comfortable that he'd rip out 4 farts in succession right next to me in bed. | |
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| holding in the gas
Posted: 3/26/2008 11:19:29 AM | "grammy18" wrote (message 15) ...
living alone for a long time after the kids moved away, there is no one to impress but the dog, and she doesnt care. One night, she was sleeping next to my bum and I let one rip, she snorted and moved to the end of the bed. Guess that one was a 10. Everytime I think of this, I have to laugh, its takes a lot to gross out a dog.
I let that horrible thing rip, and I still remember the look on her face as she looked my way, let out a snort, turned and looked the other way, then got up and moved to the foot of the bed. I still remember the comment my SO made at the time ... "Poor Sadie, you singed her little nose so badly, I'm willing to bet it will be a month before she will again be able to successfully track down the squirrels in the back yard.
I must say though, it takes me a long time being with a man before I can bring myself to do that in front of him. While it doesn't bother me in the least if he let's them rip left and right (I think it's funny) ... I just can't seem to bring myself to do the same. However, once I let down my guard ... even the dogs run. | |
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| holding in the gas
Posted: 3/26/2008 11:22:47 AM | | None of us are ever getting laid by POF'ers ever again after this thread! LOL Well, maybe by those of us actually posting here...... | |
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| holding in the gas
Posted: 3/26/2008 1:45:20 PM | A guy sits in front of TV all day farting like there's no tommorrow. But not just gassy airish farts, I'm talking mega greasy wet ones, the kind that would make your dog puke.
The wife, understandably angry as f**k, says: "One day Honey, you are gonna fart
your guts out."
The next Sunday, as wife is preparing Turkey for sunday lunch, Hubbie falls asleep.
The wife spies an opportunity to end his nasty behaviors, so she takes the innards of the turkey and places them in the underwear her husband is wearing. She then went back to cooking the turkey. Later on that night, her husband came to the dinner table looking very frightened.
"What happened?" asked his wife.
"Well," the man said, "You were right. I farted my guts out."
"What did you do?" asked his wife.
"Well with the Grace of God and these two fingers I got 'em all back up in there!" | |
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| holding in the gas
Posted: 3/26/2008 1:51:49 PM | Hey OP...this would make for a good thread. "What kind of farter are you?"
The Vain Person: One who loves the smell of his own farts.
The Amiable Person: One who loves the smell of other peoples farts.
The Proud Person: One who thinks his farts are exceptionally fine.
The Shy Person: One who releases silent farts and then blushes.
The Impudent Person: One who farts loudly and then laughs.
The Scientific Person: One who farts regularly but is truly concerned about air pollution.
The Unfortunate Person: One who tries awfully hard to fart but shits instead.
The Nervous Person: One who stops in the middle of a fart.
The Honest Person: One who admits he farted but offers a medical reason for it.
The Dishonest Person: One who farts and then blames the dog.
The Foolish Person: One who suppresses a fart for hours and hours.
The Thrifty Person: One who always has several farts in reserve.
The Antisocial Person: One who excuses himself and farts in complete privacy.
The Strategic Person: One who conceals his farts with loud laughter.
The Sadistic Person: One who farts in bed and then fluffs the bedcovers over his bed mates head.
The Intellectual Person: One who determines from the smell of his neighbor's fart as precisely the latest food item he consumed.
The Athletic Person: One who farts at the slightest exertion.
The Miserable Person: One who would truly love to, but can't fart at all.
The Sensitive Person: One who farts and then bursts into tears | |
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| holding in the gas
Posted: 3/26/2008 3:59:46 PM | | I have this sweet, butter won't melt in her mouth, pommy. She sleeps on my bed with me, used to be next to my bum, if you read an earlier post, you will know why she doesn't now. Well, waking up in the middle of the night to a horrible stench, I discovered that she was getting back at me. She didn't give any warning, was just letting these little "who me" fluffers-THAT STANK!!!! I don't know what she had gotten into but I had to sleep for a week with the fan blowing on her and the window wide open!!! Paybacks are, indeed, a ****! | |
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| holding in the gas
Posted: 3/26/2008 9:37:50 PM | On a related note....
My ex could queef at will... so she'd be standing next to me in the store, peel one off & then make a scene of blaming ME for farting....*
I could tell when she was going to do it because I'd see her tense up a bit. One day she did it while I was behind her, reconised what was about to happen & walked off just as some guy came around the corner of the aisle & happened to be standing next to her when she did it while I was about 20ft away. The expression on his face is still etched on my mind..I thought he was going to faint.
(*of course, paybacks were of the godawful guinness fueled window rattling dutch oven variety...) | |
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| holding in the gas
Posted: 3/27/2008 1:11:19 AM | | You could provide heat to a small Arctic country with all the methane in this thread. | |
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| holding in the gas
Posted: 3/27/2008 5:48:09 AM | I think there ought to be a published manual for people around this issue as I have struggled with it for years and not seen anything authoritative on the subject yet.
Gas struggles to escape, it's a natural function. It seems the healthy thing to do is just let it go and smile.  It's very unnatural to hold it in, you're in some elevator or sitting across a table at dinner, clenching that sphincter muscle, hoping the gas will dissipate ....where does it go, anyway?
Some time ago, an authority on manners gave everyone permission to eat fried chicken with their fingers and liberated millions of people from having to struggle with little chicken legs and forks and knives. It was a changed world.
If only they could do that now .... be free, let it go, give it up .....fart free! | |
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