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| | Should we, over 30, continue to wait for the one or adapt to what little is available?Page 3 of 8 (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8) | | You may need to reflect about what did not work in your past relationship and identify if there is anything that you could have done differently. My experience is that we sometimes lose a relationship well before it actually happens and part of growth is learning from what you could have done differently. That could be as simple as asking did you select or where you selected? Did you become content or did your particpate and remain active in the relationship? I don't believe any of us are experts but we all have our own personal experiences to offer. Some of us will relate and some of us will not but odds are we will all experience a similar feeling as a result of our experiences. It sounds as though you had the feeling of being with the "one" and that is now gone. Is it gone or is it only for your ex? Can you repair what was damaged with your ex? If not, give someone else a chance to not be perfect and don't compare them to your past experience of the "one" because that one failed. Goodluck brother because we are all trying to find the "one". Make sure you're ready to do what it takes to keep the "one" becasue we know that it can be work. | |
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| Should we, over 30, continue to wait for the one or adapt to what little is available?
Posted: 3/30/2008 8:20:45 PM | I cannot give up on the belief that there is someone out there for me. There are two types of lonliness and the one you can be made to feel inside a bad relationship may be worse than actually being alone. Relationships are about compromise however you cannot compromise on the basics that you feel you need for compatibility.
I definately wonder sometimes if I will find him especially as I would like to have a family and at 37 years old I know that there is a possibility that I may have to give up on that dream if the right person doesn't come along; I have had to make the decision that I would rather give up on my perfect dream than become a single mother, as I don't think I'd find that an easy thing. The fact that I've always wanted to play happy families and am prepared to give this up rather than settle definately made me face this issue. I don't think I catually want too much so it should be possible to find, but yes it definately feels harder and more daunting now than when I was younger | |
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| Should we, over 30, continue to wait for the one or adapt to what little is available?
Posted: 4/2/2008 6:35:07 AM | I'm not giving up on finding "the one".. and... I'd absolutely hate it if someone just "settled" for me...
Although, having a list of "ideals", might not be the way to meeting "the one".. and I mean we all have an idea of what we'd like.. but we don't want to completely block those that don't meet the "pre-checklist"... might accidently miss out on the potential love of your life by having an ideal that you mightn't of even have cared about after you had got to know them.. (temporarily thinking the extreme here, ie.. "must look like Pamela Anderson, Brad Pitt, hair colour, eye colour, etc" and other ideals we might have in the back of our minds that make us pre-judge & dismiss and probably "miss out" on meeting "the many" that could've been our perfect match.
Hard not to judge based on past experiences with certain ideals, ie: my own reluctance of not wanting anyone who already has kids.. not wanting someone that does drugs, not wanting someone who drinks every night, etc.
I think we have to have a willingness to turn the "ideals" into "basic guidelines" so that we can still be open to get to know those that don't perfectly-match our perception of what we "think" is our ideal mate, but still not "settle" for someone that, after getting to know them, you still don't feel like you were "meant to be together".
I don't think it's unrealistic to want to be in love with the person you are saying you are in love with :) | |
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| Should we, over 30, continue to wait for the one or adapt to what little is available?
Posted: 4/2/2008 10:38:25 AM | Sorry, OP, you're totally screwed. As you can see from this thread alone, so many of the women are sitting around waiting for "The One" to magically appear, rather than trying to be that themselves. Believe them when they say they will be alone forever rather than "settle". There is no cultural/social process creating "The One" for you, nor do they care in the least if their being alone necessarily consigns some guy out there to the same fate - they're actually proud of the fact. If you want a custom fit in this off-the-rack world you'll have to find a decent tailor and pay for what you want.
The problem then with trying to adapt is that if you do you're then a total conniving dweeb just desperately trying whatever to get into her pants -- you're the one who's settling, which as you can see is not going to be very flattering to her. And she subconsciously (at least) knows this no matter how hard you try to be really "into" her (aka adapt). IOW, your efforts won't be appreciated and rewarded. Likely you'll just be exploited, as there can be no end to the carrot/donkey thing once you get on that treadmill. | |
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| Should we, over 30, continue to wait for the one or adapt to what little is available?
Posted: 4/2/2008 8:05:18 PM | OK,
I admit that I haven't read through the whole string, The subject caught my eye, and I had to respond (for the very first time) to a forum.
Adapting, or "settling" because you are lonely is not a answer.
Ask yourself one question - "What do you want?"
If you can answer that easily and truthfully with yourself, then you will know it when you find it. Can you positively say that you want a lifelong relationship? If thats not what you want , don't go looking for it. Do you just want companionship, and if anything else happens, great? Fine, but be honest with people you date so you aren't wasting their time.
There are a lot of people that I enjoy being with and around, that I know that I could not make a lifelong relationship with, and a lot of them want to hang out, go to dinner, see a movie, and get away from the couple centric world. Cool.
But if you want a life long relationship, don't settle because it's comfortable. If you don't KNOW that you want to be with a person your whole life you can't be. Hell it's hard enough to make it last when you aren't "settling". | |
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| Should we, over 30, continue to wait for the one or adapt to what little is available?
Posted: 4/5/2008 8:29:16 PM | I agree with Kit somewhat but some of us are limited by children, age, where we live, life experiences etc... Some of us are in small towns that don’t offer a great deal. Some have children which limit us to people who will deal with that. Some of us have had bad experiences which make us wary of much. We can be on an internet dating site which for most women no matter the age will bring us many messages from younger lookers seeking entertainment behind a keyboard but not in real life or we can be real and realize we also change with age/experience. It’s hard to define oneself in words in a profile the same goes for dating or getting to know someone. “Example” “You can know someone forever but until you live with them you really never know them.” Same goes for dating. Many might not be great at writing profiles but may be a great mate in real life. So take a chance on someone that doesn’t quite fit your mental criteria, you never know what you may gain!
P.S. For all that don’t bother to make first contact for some idealist reason, you may be losing out on a great match… | |
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| Should we, over 30, continue to wait for the one or adapt to what little is available?
Posted: 4/7/2008 9:24:43 PM | Johne102, why do you keep posting the same thing again and again?
Anyway, I think it doesn't really work to settle, so long as you actually feel like you are settling. Now loosening your ideas about what you think you want/need, that's not a bad thing. Our pre-conceived notions are what limit our happiness in life in general, including in the area of relationships. If you think you know everything, then there is no room to learn anything. Similarly, if you have a shopping list you are comparing everyone to, it's easy to miss the person who is right in front of you.
That said, you do have to narrow things down somewhat since you can't date everyone if only because there aren't enough hours in a week. So you have to look at what is really essential. But how do you figure out what that is?
I would suggest looking at past relationships. Is there any relationship you ever had where you wish you were still with that person? If so, look at what elements were good in that relationship that you would want to find again. What about relationships where you are so glad that person is no longer in your life? What were the things about him/her that made you so miserable? Those are things you must make sure to avoid in a new partner. The only final element to consider is who turns you on sexually. I mean there has to be a basic level of sexual excitement there or what kind of relationship is that going to be? But I don't mean who turns you on as an idea, but who in practice. (As an idea I'm not turned on by short men, but I've definitely met some short me who definitely turned me on.)
So there are just 3 things to think about, 1) things you miss from former partners, 2) things that made you miserable about former partners, and 3) someone who offers the things you miss most, doesn't offer the things you must avoid, and still turns you on. Of course, that person has to also be attracted to you, available, and in the same area you live in.
I've found that when I look at it like this, some of the items on my "shopping list" remain and some disappear. I think that's adapting without settling. | |
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| Should we, over 30, continue to wait for the one or adapt to what little is available?
Posted: 4/8/2008 6:20:23 AM | OP....most often you will not find anyway suitable while looking....it is then that you should take a different approach and take sites like this as a form of entertainment and to allow yourself to grow....while this is happening you might just expose yourself to people or situations that you otherwise would not have....and eventually if cupid has anything to do with things you might just find that she FOUND you!!!!!!
I tend to look at situations from a different approach and perhaps that is why life seems so beautiful regardless of the stage that I am currently at.....NO ONE CAN MAKE YOU HAPPY....that my dear man is up to you to do for yourself.....and you just never know what is in store for you in the future....so pick up yourself and dust off as this should be the beginning of a new chapter in your life.....one that shall make all the difference in the world!!!!!!!!!
It is time to find yourself.....and if you do not know what that means then you are truly in need...lol......figure out what you enjoy and what makes you tick......find balance in life and find happiness from within. Your core beliefs and values have not changed you have just shelved them....it is now time to dust them off and regroup.
Best of luck, and remember......it is up to you to be HAPPY.....finding Misses Right is not the answer......she is only the icing on the cake. You as a person are the cake in question!!!!!!....and why would you want to choose vanilla if you are a chocolate lover........(never change who you are or give in to the masses....you will only be making a temporary fix......being single is not so bad that you should settle for anything less then you need, want or deserve..... )
You are worth it so remember that. | |
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| Should we, over 30, continue to wait for the one or adapt to what little is available?
Posted: 4/9/2008 3:20:23 PM | So Childfreeglow (64), to summerize your post; would it be fair to say your theory is to directly measure any prospective guy with your exes? Sounds like a real turn on.
I know you didn't mean it that way. I think you are just saying that past experience will tell what is important to have and important to avoid. That makes sense. But it could read as if the guys personalitiy doesn't matter so much as how much he reminds you, or doesn't, of your exes. | |
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| Should we, over 30, continue to wait for the one or adapt to what little is available?
Posted: 9/18/2011 1:47:35 PM | I would need to survive several lifetimes to find "the one" because my type just doesn't grow on trees. I have core traits that I look for and are not unreasonable. If those are satisfied then you qualify as "giving me something to work with". That is all I need is something to work with. Nobody wants a clone of themselves or even a past girlfriend. We want something new and exciting and also agreeable. No one is going to have 100% the same interests as you. That is what makes it fun. You can show each other new worlds. For example, I had a girl once...( the whole room groans... ) and she is heavily into painting. I couldn't remember the last time I picked up a paint brush or even considered it. Well, after seeing what she could create from a blank piece of paper it opened my eyes a bit more and brought me closer to her because of this. You never really know what you are going to get when youa re with someone. You have to kind of feel it out. That isn't settling. Settling is when you KNOW there are traits about your partner you absolutely dislike and simply choose to ignore them and commit mentally to maintaining a false admiration for those traits indefinitely.
I would sniff out a woman settling for me easily. It would be hard for me not to chuckle if my 35+ date was cranking Cannibal Corpse or The Acacia Strain on her car stereo. Don't get me wrong, that would probably score points with me and that would definitely get me to crack a rare smile, but I would definitely be on the lookout for some Justin Bieber songs coming out of her Ipod. | |
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| Should we, over 30, continue to wait for the one or adapt to what little is available?
Posted: 9/18/2011 2:59:11 PM | | I disagree. No one should settle, that 's way different than learning to adapt ( in my opinion). Having been married I can now say I'm more open minded and tolerant of things. Those little annoyances don't matter so much. It's more the big things that I focus on like values, etc. Looks matter of course, to a certain extent, but that's not the sole reason to begin a relationship or end one. Once you are comfortable in your own skin, you will realize that when the time is right you will find the right person. | |
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| Should we, over 30, continue to wait for the one or adapt to what little is available?
Posted: 9/21/2011 10:22:42 PM |
I have, until recently, felt that there was "one" true fit for me somewhere that met all of my ideals. Intelligence, wit, humor, personality, looks, likes/dislikes, etc. Lately, however, I'm relinquishing that ideology to the realism that there MAY NOT be "one" for each of us; that we must simply step back, breathe a little, and adapt to what few single women are left at our age. I think that is a mark of maturity personally. Some people cling to a glittery and calcified ideal that will likely never materialize. It takes pain and discomfort to let go of the fairytale..
A song by Paramore comes to mind: http://youtu.be/A63VwWz1ij0
'Keep your feet on the ground.. while your head's in the clouds'- love it.
Giving up on a dedicated search for "one true mate" and settling for what is available? Surely you realize there is a middle ground here? This sounds an awful lot like 'lowered expectations' (skit from Saturday Night Live), lol..
No one should feel they have to 'settle'. I like Dr. Phil's 80/20 'rule' on this one. Loosely paraphrased, you can't expect to find someone who has 100% of what you are looking for.. it just isn't realistic (and seriously, probably kinda boring!) so he suggests finding someone who has 80%. So long as the other 20% does not contain dead in the water deal-breakers, you are good to go.
I have a pretty good idea of what I am looking for, but I always make sure to keep an open mind to whatever may show up. Sometimes in the most unlikely of circumstances that you could never have predicted or planned for..
And is this only a male issue, or are women faced with this too? Of course women deal with this too, how many threads are there with men complaining that women's expectations are too high? lol.. | |
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