| How important is emotional support to you?
Posted: 3/30/2008 3:37:21 AM | My thoughts are that her boyfriend was supportive by his response, reading the example in your message 16, op. If he had said, "Not a good time to call, we'll talk about it later," then I would consider it unsupportive, and yet, if she had interrupted a very important business meeting of his and he had said that, then that would be understandable also.
We definitely need more information to see what her conversation was with her girlfriend that gave her the feeling of being supported that she did not get from her boyfriend. And also what circumstances her boyfriend was in when she called him.
If she was looking for a shoulder to cry on, then it might have been better if she had waited until she could see her boyfriend in person. Few men I know will not give you a hug if you need one (and are not blaming them for feeling unloved or unsupported at the time).
It seems we have to learn to express what we need and learn how to communicate those needs to our partners in a constructive way and not expect them or hope that they 'should just know'. We learn to support ourselves, basically.
For me, I appreciate being heard and when I am, I feel emotionally supported. And if I ask for support, I must accept their response as valid and their truth, just as I wish them to accept mine. | |
|
| How important is emotional support to you?
Posted: 3/30/2008 3:53:46 AM | My ex long term partner offered none.
I had to beg her to come to my fathers funeral. When I expressed that I was unhappy with the whole him dying thing and I may be a little morose for a while, before he was even buried she wanted to know when I was going to get over it.
The whole relationship hardened me up a bit. I will not say made me callous, because it did not. Ensured independance though.
This done not mean I do want support, but the benchmark has been set low. | |
|
| How important is emotional support to you?
Posted: 3/30/2008 4:18:20 AM |
My ex long term partner offered none.
I had to beg her to come to my fathers funeral. When I expressed that I was unhappy with the whole him dying thing and I may be a little morose for a while, before he was even buried she wanted to know when I was going to get over it.
The whole relationship hardened me up a bit. I will not say made me callous, because it did not. Ensured independance though.
This done not mean I do want support, but the benchmark has been set low.
This gets my vote for most non-supportive "partnering" (and I use the term loosely).
No one could blame you for "hardening up a bit" but I would hope that by being with someone that "non-supportive", you would use your first hand experience in what that feels like to become an even better partner to your next lady. I make it a cardinal rule in my life to NEVER let someone like that change me from being the loving person I want to be. And I'm so sorry for the loss of your Dad. May your memories of him keep you warm. | |
|
| How important is emotional support to you?
Posted: 3/30/2008 4:25:32 AM | | I would classify emotional support under the ability to be compassionate. If I were dealing with a tough ethical or personal situation, it would be made a lot worse by a partner who added to it by negatively criticising me or knocking me down as a person. I have my faults and shortcomings, but I am doing my best to improve my life at the moment and it is quite a difficult task. I don't need someone who has no ability to empathise in any situation to further weigh me down. It is always very refreshing to have someone positive around who can see the good in you or in a tough situation and give you the right encouragement. | |
|
| How important is emotional support to you?
Posted: 3/30/2008 6:11:03 AM | | Let me give you an axample of emotional support. My ex-wife found out she had breast cancer at the age of 34 back in the early eighties. Back then there were not many options and detection equipment was not very good. Our marriage was not exactly perfect at that time but I loved her and always will. Long story short, she had a MRM (breast removed) and Chemo. for 6 months. I changed her dressing every day because she could not look at it. I got our 2 young children off to school each day, went to work and did all the household chores for the 6 months she could not get off the couch due to the Chemo. and depression. When she asked me if she was discusting to look at and did I still find her attractive I replied that i married her for her butt not her boobs!. We laughed and cried at the same time but from that point on she gained strenght and confidence in herself. She is now 57, a survivor! We were not able to make our marriage last but we have ultimate respect for each other. Our divorce was emotional but not bitter and we remain friends to this day with 2 beautiful grandchildren. She was and is a great mother and grandmother. We were just not made to live together. This was a test of emotional support. She in turn had her own test when I had a heart attack at 38. She passed with flying colors. - Wise old man | |
|
| How important is emotional support to you?
Posted: 3/30/2008 6:29:50 AM | | I think emotional support is the foundation of a relationship. Here's another one for you: Last year, I was going through a very anxiety-provoking situation...... I went seeking emotional support from a female friend I'd known since I was 12 years old. She simply said to me, with a straight face, "I'm not interested." Basically, she said it was my problem and she wasn't getting involved. She's into this thing about "not getting into other people's drama, blah, blah, blah" and. She has admitted on various occasions that she is not a very compassionate person, and her husband of one year left her as empathy is very important to him. I tried not to show it, but I'm still hurt. She's even gone as far to say she doesn't want anything to do with anyone who has "anxiety issues". | |
|
| How important is emotional support to you?
Posted: 3/30/2008 6:46:14 AM | It looks to me that what happens between men and women in terms of emotional support is that women lay claim to emotions as their domain, based on the different way men and women tend to think. The woman is expected to be emotional and to have mastery of emotion, whereas the man is expected to be supportive of her yet have no emotion of his own needing support. The two main areas for men's lack of emotional need are sex and hardship. In sex, men are supposed not to have emotions involved, while for women sex and emotion are inexorable. Then if there is a hardship, the man is strong and should he show a sign of an emotion he is weak.
The workload of providing emotional support seems slightly higher for the man because the woman is expected to have emotional needs. The man who has emotional needs is defective and deserves scorn, not support.
The stereotype is that the unfeeling man seeks sex at a high emotional cost to the sensitive woman. The stereotype is that the strong man is stoic, a rock devoid of emotional need, whose role is to cradle the soft and feeling woman while she emotes in her womanly way. | |
|
| How important is emotional support to you?
Posted: 3/30/2008 8:28:50 AM | Can't help... sometimes I feel like reading about a prehistorical dying species 
No offense intended, it's just what sprang to my mind (also remembering the stuff that Allen & Barbara Pease wrote in their books) | |
|
| How important is emotional support to you?
Posted: 3/30/2008 9:23:01 AM | Perhaps men have difficulty offering "support" because they don't know what it is? In my second marriage, I was in a really bad place at work: a very scary co-worker, and one of those bosses who think if you bring them a problem, *YOU* are the problem. I'd taken that job over one that I really wanted and a boss who would have been a great friend because we needed the extra $.
When I came home, exhausted and bruised, I'd tell him about my day. And immediately get offers of solutions that would have made the problem worse. Going over it in my head, I realized that absolutely all I needed from him was: "Gosh, sounds awful. Let me give you a hug. Poor baby. . . . " Since a lot of problems in my first marriage were because I couldn't be clear about what I needed, I thought I'd aced it, lol! I couldn't have been more wrong: even with script in hand he was totally unable to do it. He continued to insist that I go to the managing partner and let him know what was going on. . . .
It wasn't a deal breaker, but I surely realized that each sex's hardwiring is nearly impossible to break through. Now I just try to see the offering of solutions as *their* version of support. Sort of like my five year old giving me a pocket knife for Mother's Day, or my cat bringing in squirrel tails. . . .
 | |
|
| How important is emotional support to you?
Posted: 3/30/2008 9:29:41 AM | | I have heard this complaint before, but how about the practical side of things? Let's say the man is supportive by listening, helping you feel better now. That's all well and good. But the original problem that is causing the emotional distress is still there, unsolved. It is an act of emotional support to look past the immediate mood to the cause of it. He is caring by seeking to solve the original problem. It is like with drugs. If someone has a drug problem and that keeps causing them to feel bad, would you be advocating to ignore the drug problem, and just keep comforting them at each next drop downward? In practical terms if you accept the help, solve the problem, then your emotions are safeguarded from harm in the future. How can that be seen as a lack of support? Would you prefer to leave a chronic problem unsolved and then be comforted about it daily? | |
|
| How important is emotional support to you?
Posted: 3/30/2008 10:08:29 AM |
It is an act of emotional support to look past the immediate mood to the cause of it. He is caring by seeking to solve the original problem.
Depends. In my case, the immediate solution would have been to quit, and take the other job, which was still open. But that would have created other problems (like not being able to pay the bills). What I needed was support to get through what needed getting through. The problem resolved itself when the coworker in question went "postal" (just short of an Uzi) on the whole office, thus netting me tremendous admiration and sympathy for putting up with her for so long. I also got to pick her replacement. And a big raise. It was never going to be the equivalent of the other job, but it did get us through the next few years, and when I started my own business, he supported us for a couple of years while I was getting on my feet. And I certainly saw that as emotional as well as financial support.
As for the original problem: I *did* come to recognize *his* version of emotional support. And, yes, *trying* to solve the original problem, should one be able, is caring.
 | |
|
| |
| How important is emotional support to you?
Posted: 3/30/2008 10:15:12 AM | | i feel that being sympathetic and offering a shoulder to lean on is very important in any relationship. if the person i am seeing is cold and selfish then yes it is a deal breaker for me. i want someone who is kind and understanding not cold and uncaring. | |
|
| How important is emotional support to you?
Posted: 3/30/2008 11:26:35 AM | If I wasn't emotionally supported, I would feel very disconnected from the relationship and it would have to end. I want that shoulder to cry on if needed and extended arms to fall into. I don't always need vocal sympathy, but an unwavering feeling where I know that I can truly count on that person in any situation.
As in the lyrics of Depeche Mode's Somebody so beautifully state:
"I want somebody to share, share the rest of my life, share my inner most thoughts, know my intimate details, someone to stand by my side and give me support and in return (s)he'll get my support" | |
|
| How important is emotional support to you?
Posted: 3/30/2008 12:41:12 PM | | This is not a reason I go into relationships--I own my own feelings. Sure, it's good to vent but I don't need someone else (boy toy or girlfriend) to "solve" my feelings for me. I am more introspective and more often than not just change the way I see things so that it's no longer a problem for me. But, then, apparently --upon reading other responses-- I'm a dude. | |
|
| |
| How important is emotional support to you?
Posted: 3/30/2008 4:49:01 PM | If I feel that my woman is not there for my emotional needs, then she's getting kicked to the kerb sooner or later.
The way I see it, what is the point of being with someone who just isn't there for you when you really need them?
Oh I've been in plenty of lust fuelled relationships and don't see anything wrong with them. Indeed, sometimes it's nice to have the lust without all the complications of love. But if I am to fall in love, then that can only happen if I feel emotionally secure.
I know that there are plenty of women out there who think that they can manipulate men's hearts with sexual favours, but I am not one of them  (But please, by all means, give it a try  ) | |
|
| How important is emotional support to you?
Posted: 3/30/2008 5:01:13 PM |
To share emotions is part of bonding, to seek support is trusting, to embrace soul in emotional turmoil is the sweetest gesture one can give. It is all about the time, patience, impartial opinion just like own experience one can give another.
You rock & thanks for what's for sharing your thoughts here with us. | |
|
ikiera
|
Joined: 5/28/2007
Msg: 69 | |
| How important is emotional support to you?
Posted: 3/31/2008 1:20:38 AM |
I got fed up of supporting someone who wouldnt support me when I was ill !
I had a partner that was sick and had to go through treatment for a year. He sunk into deep derpession, refused to talk about it and didn't want to get out of bed most days. I read a lot about the treatment and much of what I read told me that as a support the best thing for him would be to push him hard to get out of bed (treatment was in the form of a needle everyday, by choice, he could give up any time). I did push him hard, although he could not work outside the home, I made him meet commitments within the home. It was extremely hard for him. I explained why I expected what I expected. He pulled through and has been in remission since. AND he never forgave me for pushing him through the treatment. Call that what you will, I call it support. Perceptions can be quite different from each vantage point.
After year of treatment, he was still depressed and could not work, hence I continued to support him financially and I tried hard to accept his hardship. His illness both physical and mental deprived me of many normal pleasures that exist in a relationship. He rarely put in the time to understand what I was experiencing, although he continued to work around my farm, his efforts were very limited and the farm, as well as myself began to wear down, I became sick myself, to the point I thought i was going to die.
When I spoke about how I was feeling he would look at me with a blank look on his face, never touched me, treated me like I was an outcast... i began to loose my own sanity through isolation, loneliness and deprivation. It came to a point that the only way I could get back up on my feet was to find a way to give myself the emotional and physical support I needed.
In this case, was it a lack of support or a lack of strength needed to give the support on both our parts? I think both.
He no longer lives with me and he is still depressed. I am not.
What I got from that, was the ability to care for myself and along the way (a long way, i might add), I have been able to learn what I need and if my partner can't understand me, cherish and care for me as well as show me respect , well then, how would he expect me to accept him or trust him and appreciate him.
It is a circular motion of give and take and both parties may not need the same thing even if they are on the same tread mill.
The deal breaker is when one gets off the treadmill in my opinion. Who gets/got off first is usually in the eye of the beholder. | |
|
| How important is emotional support to you?
Posted: 3/31/2008 2:15:32 AM | Funny Girl .... I really enjoyed reading your post and would have to say you summed it up pretty well...
For me its been a strange thing...about emotional support....after my divorce I searched high and low and inbetween, for many years.... for someone who could give me the emotional support I so desperately thought I needed.....and isnt it funny how the universe has an uncanny way of helping you to grow.....well....as you might of guessed that I didnt meet anyone cause I scared them off with all my neediness and unnatural desire to have my emotional needs met by the poor fella ....haha...(dont boo hoo me its just my experience....)
Now many years later...I have learnt to be self reliant and am dating a wonderful guy who wants me to lean on him on a emotional level and I dont "need " to have him there but like Funny Girl mentioned....its a bonus to know someone is there who cares and will listen...
But on the same token some relationships are reliant on one another on an emotional level and I say good for them and to each his own...as we all walk a different paths...... | |
|
| How important is emotional support to you?
Posted: 3/31/2008 6:18:37 PM |
I have heard this complaint before, but how about the practical side of things? Let's say the man is supportive by listening, helping you feel better now. That's all well and good. But the original problem that is causing the emotional distress is still there, unsolved. It is an act of emotional support to look past the immediate mood to the cause of it. He is caring by seeking to solve the original problem. It is like with drugs. If someone has a drug problem and that keeps causing them to feel bad, would you be advocating to ignore the drug problem, and just keep comforting them at each next drop downward? In practical terms if you accept the help, solve the problem, then your emotions are safeguarded from harm in the future. How can that be seen as a lack of support? Would you prefer to leave a chronic problem unsolved and then be comforted about it daily?
I suppose you have a point if it's an extreme case of neediness, then of course some sort of counselling would obviously be necessary.
That said, emotions are a natural and intrinsic part of humanity, regardless of gender. I don't really see any point in getting involved with someone who isn't capable of honouring them. To me, someone who is void of emotion is dysfunctional, unhealthy and is unable to even sustain a relationship in the first place. In fact, I would guess that someone who is so extremely needy of emotional support came to be that way due to lack of nuturing in the first place. | |
|
| How important is emotional support to you?
Posted: 3/31/2008 6:47:30 PM | | Yes, a deal breaker. If he isn't emotionally supportive, then he doesn't care. If he doesn't care, why be with him? He's just using you until something better comes along. | |
|
| How important is emotional support to you?
Posted: 3/31/2008 6:49:49 PM | | It is important to anyone who cares about their s/o, but I take into consideration if the other is also having a bad day as me. If he is, then it's not a deal breaker. | |
|
| How important is emotional support to you?
Posted: 3/31/2008 6:50:13 PM | | Crazy Times (Message 52) -- I am amazed that a woman would not offer emotional support. Usually it's the men who can ignore a woman sitting next to him crying. They'll just start talking about what's going on in the television or the surroundings. It's bizarre and I feel that it's totally insensitive. | |
|
| How important is emotional support to you?
Posted: 3/31/2008 6:55:40 PM | | VERY. I want my partner to reprociate what I'm going through the difficult time in my life. What's the point of sharing emotional connection if your partner can't be there for you? I want him also to be my best friend during my time of crisis - This is the time to share and grow. | |
|
Home
login 
