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| Send me jokes! PLEASE!
Posted: 5/4/2008 12:50:26 PM | Just a quick note, I'm okay!!! I ll pop in later , but still have all fours wriggling and kicking   | |
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| Send me jokes! PLEASE!
Posted: 5/4/2008 3:20:51 PM | Welcome back, hope you have a quick & full recovery............................................. A little boy got on a bus, sat next to a man reading a book and noticed he had his collar on backwards. the little boy asked why he wore his collar that way. "I am a father," the priest said. "My daddy doesn't wear his collar like that." "I am the father of many," said the priest, looking up from his book. "My dad has four boys, four girls, and two grandchildren,and he doesn't wear his collar that way." The priest, becoming impatient,said, "I am the father of thousands!" and went back to reading his book. The little boy sat quietly. As he was leaving the bus he leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear your pants backwards..."  | |
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| blonde?
Posted: 5/5/2008 9:27:02 AM | A blonde and a brunette were taking the elevator to the lobby from the 25th floor. On the 23rd floor, a very handsome looking man with great hair but obvious dandruff gets into the elevator.
The women exchange a look acknowledging just how good looking this man is.
The man gets off the elevator on the 12th floor. The women watch him exit the elevator.
Then the brunette turns to the blonde and says, "God was he good looking, but someone ought to give him some "Head & Shoulders."
To which the blonde replies.....
"How do you give Shoulders?" | |
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Posted: 5/5/2008 11:53:48 AM | Cancel your credit card..........(hilarious!)
Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die. This is so priceless, and so, so easy to see happening, customer service being what it is today.
A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00, now somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to Citibank. Here is the exchange:
Family Member: "I am calling to tell you she died in January."
Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."
Family Member: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections."
Citibank: "Since it is two months past due, it already has been."
Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"
Citibank: "Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!"
Family Member: "Do you think God will be mad at her?" (I really liked this Part!!!!)
Citibank: "Excuse me?"
Family Member: "Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?"
Citibank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor." (Duh!)
Supervisor gets on the phone:
Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."
Citibank : "The account was never closed and late fees and charges still apply." (This must be a phrase taught by the bank!)
Family Member: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"
Citibank: (Stammer) "Are you her lawyer?"
Family Member: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given)
Citibank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"
Family Member: "Sure." (Fax number is given )
After they get the fax:
Citibank: "Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help."
Family Member: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care."
Citibank: "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply."
Family Member: "Would you like her new billing address?"
Citibank: "That might help."
Family Member: " Odessa Memorial Cemetery , Highway 129, Plot Number 69."
Citibank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"
Family Member: "What do you do with dead people on your planet???
(Priceless!!) | |
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| Send me jokes! PLEASE!
Posted: 5/5/2008 11:55:49 AM | Why Men Are Rarely Published in Dear Abby .....
Dear Abby, I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice
on what could be a crucial decision. I've suspected for some time now that
my wife has been cheating on me.
The usual signs... phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My
wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when I ask
their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know
them."
I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always
walks down the drive. Although I can hear a car driving off, as if she has
gotten out of the car round the corner. Why? Maybe she wasn't in a taxi? I
once picked her cell phone up just to see what time it was and she went
berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was I
checking up on her.
Anyway, I have never approached the subject w ith my wife. I think deep down
I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and
I decided to really check on her. I decided I was going to park my Harley
Davidson motorcycle next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could
get a good view of the whole street when she came home. It was at that
moment, crouching behind my Harley, that I noticed that the valve covers on
my engine seemed to be leaking a little oil.
Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer?
Thanks,
Bob | |
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| Send me jokes! PLEASE!
Posted: 5/5/2008 11:56:45 AM | Never Argue with a Woman
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.
Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")
"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left. | |
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Posted: 5/5/2008 11:59:29 AM | Jim and Edna
Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the Head Nurse became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna, she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged. Since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?" | |
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Posted: 5/5/2008 12:03:08 PM | | I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been together for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one thing bothering me...it was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was 22, wore very tight mini skirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a pleasant view.One day "little sister" called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations.She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I go married and committed my life to her sister.Well, I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to m y bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up."I was stunned and frozen in shock, as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight toward my car.Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside---all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test... we couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family." And the moral of this story is... Always keep your condoms in your car. | |
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| Doggy Exercise
Posted: 5/6/2008 12:17:58 AM | Wot do you call a dog with no legs ?
Nothing he wont come to ya anyway !
How do you exercise a dog with no legs ?
Take him for a drag !
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| THREADS
Posted: 5/6/2008 12:22:03 AM | Thanks Phil,
But where is "start a new thread".
Im sorry mate Iv had a quik squiz but cant see it.
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| THREADS
Posted: 5/14/2008 4:59:01 PM | A mailman is about to retire and a woman on his route wants to show her appreciation for his many years of fine service. She decides to make him a nice lunch but thinks that isn't enough so she asks her husband for suggestions.
On the mailman's last day of work, she invites him in for lunch. After they eat she asks him, "Do you want to come upstairs?" "Yes!" he replies. When they come back downstairs she hands him a five-dollar bill.
The mailman is stunned. He says, "I understand you making me lunch. Maybe I even understand you taking me upstairs. But what's with the fin?"
"Oh, the last two things were my husband's idea."
"Your husband's???!!!"
"Yes. I told him I would make you a nice lunch, but what else should I do, and he said, "Aww, **** him. Give him five bucks." | |
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| THREADS
Posted: 5/14/2008 8:56:32 PM | Two magpies makeing a nest together, while the female magpie is out looking for some final sticks etc to add to the nest, she unfortunatly is struck by a car & dies. After some time being alone the male magpie decides he needs a lover in his nest. So he invites a female crow to join him in the nest. All goes well for a while, until the crow starts chanting over & over: "I'm a crow & i can't say no, i'm a crow & i can't say no!" Growing tired of this after sometime, the magpie kicks her out of the nest. Later he invites a female emu into the nest, alls well again for a while, until the emu starts chanting: "I'm an emu & i like to screw, i'm an emu and i like to screw. So out goes the emu. After a while the magpie hooks up with a female dove, & asks her to join him in the nest. Alls well again until the dove starts chanting: " I'm a dove & i like makin love, i'm a dove & i like makin love. Out goes the dove, finally he meets up with a duck, the duck starts chanting: ............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................"I'm a Drake you've made a MISTAKE! i'm a...............................!"  | |
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| THREADS
Posted: 5/14/2008 10:25:36 PM | | hey everyone i dont have a joke but i've got something better. my buddy troy and i make our own show that we post on youtube called "The Troy and Sean show". our humor is similar to southpark just to let you know. so come check us out, i promise this is not spam. | |
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| Send me jokes! PLEASE!
Posted: 5/17/2008 8:51:55 AM | a weirdo from the usa as been reported to the protection of animals service for feeding Viagra to his pet labrador.
the man is now banned from keeping any pets and the labrador is now a pointer. | |
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| Send me jokes! PLEASE!
Posted: 5/18/2008 7:43:55 AM | The Mermaid and the cow:
On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons. Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her -- how could she possibly continue to feed her family now?
In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the man awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in he head.
Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself. When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, "I've seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you." The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.
Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river. The mermaid said to him, "If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right." And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.
The youngest son, woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in.
And there he also met the Mermaid. "I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row."
The young son replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?"
The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, "Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?" And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, "Why not THIRTY times in a row?"
Finally, she said, "Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health."
Then the young fellow asked, "Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won't kill you like it did the cow?"
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| Send me jokes! PLEASE!
Posted: 5/18/2008 10:46:23 AM | bloke goes to the doctors and asks for some viagra for his eyes,
your eyes says the dr, viagras not for the eyes,
i know said the man, i just want to look hard | |
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| Send me jokes! PLEASE!
Posted: 5/18/2008 5:02:30 PM | The Pope visits the 7 dwarfs who are attending their local church. As he's finishing his speech on comparative religions, Dopey raises his hand to ask a question. "Mr pope, are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?" " No Dopey," says the pontiff, "there are not." "Mr pope, are there any dwarf nuns anywhere in Italy?" Dopey questions. "No Dopey," chuckles the Pope, "there are no dwarf nuns in Italy." "Mr Pope," Dopey asks pleadingly, "are there any dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?" "No Dopey," the Pope says sadly, "there's no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world." And softly in the background the 6 remaining dwarfs start chanting."Dopey screwed a penguin, Dopey screwed a penguin, Dopey......................"  | |
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| Send me jokes! PLEASE!
Posted: 5/19/2008 9:27:26 AM | A consonant walks into a bar and sits down next to a vowel. "I" he says. "Have you ever been here before?"
"Of cursive," she replies. "I come here, like, all the time."
He can tell from her accent (which is kind acute) that she is a Vowelly Girl. He looks her over. She's short and has a nice assonance. He thinks she has a fine upper-case as well. He remains stationery, enveloped by her charm. His initial reaction is so pronounced; he doesn't know what to say. He is, at present, tense.
"You've a lovely set of...teeth," he sputters. "Do you Crush with breast--I mean, do you brush with Crest?"
"Oh my God, gag me with a spoonerism! Your mind is in the guttural, fer sure."
Admiring her figure of speech, he falls into a fantasy. He pictures a perfect wedding. They exchange wedding vowels. The minister says,
"I now pronouns you husband and wife." They kiss each other on the ellipsis. "I love you, noun forever,” he whispers. The conjugation is in tiers. (In a word, they are wed.) He awakens from his daydream and proposes a dance.
She declines.
"Let's go outside," he says to her. "I'd like to have a word with you."
"Are you propositioning me?"
"I won't be indirect. You are the object of my proposition."
"Oh my God, you're like, such a boldfaced character!"
"I see your point. But I'm font of you."
"Do I have to spell it out to you? You're not my type, so get off my case!"
Reluctantly, he decides to letter b. "Now my evening lies in runes," he laments. He leaves, hoping to have letter luck next time. | |
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| Send me jokes! PLEASE!
Posted: 5/20/2008 10:12:46 AM | Favourite Quote
you have one advantage over me........ you can kiss my arse and i can't !! | |
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| Send me jokes! PLEASE!
Posted: 5/20/2008 10:51:14 AM | What is the definition of GROSS?
Dreaming you are eating cottage cheese and waking up with your grandmother sitting on your face. | |
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| Send me jokes! PLEASE!
Posted: 5/20/2008 7:27:53 PM | | remember everyone, youtube.com/TroyandSeanshow, we would really like to have a bigger audience. | |
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