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| Send me jokes! PLEASE!
Posted: 3/31/2008 6:13:23 PM | A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends.
Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day! This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich.
He said, 'Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore ?'
She said 'I love it but I have to stop eating it.'
'Why?' he asked.
She pointed to her lap and said 'Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!'
'Let me see' he said.
'Okay' and she pulled up her skirt.
He looked and said, 'Tha t's right. You are! Better not eat any more chicken.'
He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter. He said to the little girl, 'I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers down there too!' She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for her!
She said 'Oh, no! It's too late for you! You've already got the NECK and GIZZARDS!!!. | |
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| 7 year old
Posted: 4/1/2008 8:02:35 AM | LMAO!!! I appreciate you guys more than you know! You have gotten me laughing so hard! I dont want to ever stop! 
Enjoy your day!! | |
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| dark and lonely job
Posted: 4/1/2008 10:39:57 AM | One day the drill instructor was being especially contrary. Yelling at his recruits, he asked each one in turn "Do you eat pu$$y, and why?" He finally got the answer he was looking for when one recruit answered "Yes sir!! It is a dark and lonely job but someone has to do it!" | |
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| 7 year old
Posted: 4/2/2008 1:53:03 AM | A woman went to a pet shop & immediately
>Spotted a large, beautiful parrot..
>There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.
>
>'Why so little,' she asked the pet store owner.
>
>The owner looked at her and said,
>'Look, I should tell you first that this bird
>used to live in a house of Prostitution
>And sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff.'
>
>The woman thought about this, but decided
>She had to have the bird any way
>
>She took it home and hung the bird's cage up
>In her living room and waited for it to say something..
>
>The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said,
>
>'New house, new madam.'
>
>The woman was a bit shocked at the implication,
>But then thought 'that's really not so bad.'
>
>When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school
>The bird saw and said,
>'New house, new madam, new girls.'
>
>The girls and the woman were a bit offended
>But then began to laugh about the situation
>Considering how and where the parrot had been raised.
>
>Moments later, the woman's husband Keith
>Came home from work.
>
>The bird looked at him and said,
>
>'Hi, Keith!
>  | |
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| 7 year old
Posted: 4/2/2008 2:58:35 AM | haha, loved that one! Ms Patti
thanks! | |
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| 7 year old
Posted: 4/2/2008 7:21:46 AM | Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!" Then I said, "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand. ... I have had Sex since I was nine years old." He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy." When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church from then on.
When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand. ... Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too!"
One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off.
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married." The Judge said, "Me too!"
Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." -- My case comes up next Thursday.
Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I couldn't live any longer so lonely." and the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend
so get yourself a dog." | |
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| Send me jokes! PLEASE!
Posted: 4/2/2008 9:15:40 AM | Just want to wish you successful surgery, then lifelong happiness, laughter, and good health!.......
A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells
him that she needs to file her taxes.
The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to
ask you a few questions."He gets her name, address,
social security
number, etc. and then asks, "What's your occupation?"
"I'm a Lady of the night," she says.
The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says,
"Let's try to rephrase that."
The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl".
"No, that still won't work. Try again."
They both think for a minute; then the woman says,
"I'm an elite chicken farmer."
The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have
to do with being a prostitute?"
"Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year."
"Chicken Farmer it is." | |
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| Send me jokes! PLEASE!
Posted: 4/2/2008 9:32:34 AM | Good luck!!!! Hope you recover soon.
An Aussie joke:-
Sheila has discovered that she's pregnant. She knows Bruce won't marry her so decides to end it all.
She's just about to jump off the bridge when she rings Bruce to tell him what she's going to do.
"Fair dinkum Sheila" says Bruce "you're not only a great screw but you're a good sport as well!" | |
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| Send me jokes! PLEASE!
Posted: 4/2/2008 3:12:12 PM | | Just a hole behind.....ha ha so good will have to tell all my friends. | |
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| Send me jokes! PLEASE!
Posted: 4/2/2008 4:47:54 PM | A guy is discussing his upcoming wedding with his friend. "I'm not sure if my future bride is a virgin or not," he says. His friend replies, "Oh, ther's an easy test for that. All you need is some red paint, some green paint and a shovel." "What for?" asks the guy, confused. " You paint one ball red and one ball green. On your honeymoon, if she laughs and says, 'Those are the funniest balls i've ever seen!' you hit her with the shovel."  | |
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| Send me jokes! PLEASE!
Posted: 4/3/2008 12:55:54 AM | Who invented fractions?
Henry the eight!
Ok that's pretty bad I know.... | |
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| Send me jokes! PLEASE!
Posted: 4/3/2008 3:17:44 AM | Serpent 27, thanks for giving it a try, just remember you were the one that said it was pretty bad, not me. 
Wanted to give everyone an update on my little situation, went and saw a neurosurgeon on Monday, I found out I dont have one brain tumor but two of them! And will have to have surgery within 2 months, but they will not leave me unscathed. Will probably have weakness or paralysis on my left side. I am still laughing every day thanks to the jokes everyone has been sending they are hilarious!! | |
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| How to get rid of brain tumors without surgery
Posted: 4/3/2008 3:24:08 AM | here are my remedies:
1. #$%# my brains out then #$%# em back in with out the tumors,
2. have cat remove them, he has surgical claws that can slice a clean slab of butter, I have the scars to prove he could do an excellent job!
3. bang my head against the wall, jar em loose and just shit em out!
think that will work? I have to keep a positive attitude or I will go crazy!
thank you all again, and I look forward to laughing more!
 | |
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| How to get rid of brain tumors without surgery
Posted: 4/3/2008 8:17:18 AM | Henry and Mildred lived in an old folk's home. Every night they would meet down in the common room in the lobby, spread a blanket over the two of them, cuddle up, and watch TV. What no one knew though, was that while they were watching TV, Mildred would reach under the covers and fondle Henry...
Well, this went on for years and years, until one night Henry just didn't show up... Mildred went every night to look for him, but he wasn't there, so she figured he must have died. Then about 3 weeks later, there he was, shuffling down the hallway.
Mildred walked up to him and said, "Henry! Where have you been!?"
"I'm sorry Mildred, but I've met another woman", he replied.
Mildred, obviously a bit flustered, asked, "Well Henry, I just don't understand, is she younger than me?"
"No", he replied, "She's actually a little older..."
"Well, is she prettier than me?"
"No", he said, "She's actually kinda homely.."
"Well Henry... I just don't get it", she said, "What does she have that I don't have?"
Henry thought about that for a moment, smiled, and said, "Parkinson's Disease!"
Mark
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| How to get rid of brain tumors without surgery
Posted: 4/3/2008 6:20:42 PM | The ticket agent really screwed up, and he booked two total strangers into the same sleeping compartment on the train. A man and a woman.
he: "this is my compartment"
she: "No, its mine, see my ticket!"
They took their complaint to the conductor, but the train was full and there was nothing he could do. They decided that, since they're both adults, and there are two separate bunks, they would share for just the one night.
They actually enjoyed their evening and even had dinner together.
By and by it came time for sleep, so the man took the upper bunk and she took the lower, and the train rumbled on into the night.
In the middle of the night the train stopped at a station, and the change in motion awoke them both. The guy was feeling cold up in his bunk, and so he looked over the edge and noticed that the woman was awake too, and that there was a spare blanket on the chair near her.
So he says "Excuse me, I'm a bit chilly up here. Could you pass me up that blanket?"
She thinks about it and replies "Tell you what, just for tonight, lets pretend we're married."
"Oh! Ok, sure!" he says.
She retorts "Good. Get your own damned blanket!" | |
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| Send me jokes! PLEASE!
Posted: 4/3/2008 8:43:54 PM | Two men dressed in pilots' uniforms walk up the aisle of the aircraft.
Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the****it the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some kind of a sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.
The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport property. Just as it begins to look as though the plane will plow straight into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.
At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines and books, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.
Meanwhile, in the****it, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, 'You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die' !! | |
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| 7 year old
Posted: 4/3/2008 8:54:37 PM | You know you drink too much coffee when...
1. Juan Valdez names his mule after you.
2. You chew on your roommate's fingernails.
3. You can jump-start your car without cables.
4. You do twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
5. You can't remember your second cup.
6. You have a picture of your coffeemug on your coffee mug.
7. Starbucks has a mortgage on your house.
8. Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.
9. You don't sweat -- you percolate.
10. You grind coffee beans in your mouth. | |
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| 7 year old
Posted: 4/4/2008 6:11:12 AM | So this woman was on business in New York City, and took a cab from the airport to her hotel. Traffic was heavy, and right in the middle of an intersection the taxi just quit. The cabbie tried to get it started, but it wouldn't go. He got out and looked under the hood. And of course all the other cars were honking at him, yelling at him. The woman realized that the cabbie obviously knew nothing about engines, but she dug in her purse and found a small screwdriver. (must've been before 9-11) So she leaned out the window and called to him "Hey. How 'bout a screwdriver?"
The cabbie stopped his cursing and replied to her. "Good idea! There's vodka and orange juice under the front seat." | |
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| 7 year old
Posted: 4/4/2008 9:10:11 AM | | A 12 yr. old boy asked a pharmacist for some condoms. The pharmacist said,"Son, I doubt you even know what they are for!" The boy replied, "Well they keep women from having babies and stop the spread of disease." The pharmacist thinking the boy was mature for his age said, "Okay, what kind do you want?" The kid replies,"I'll take one of those French ticklers. The pharmacist, rather alarmed, asked "Boy, do you know anything about them?" The kid replied, "Mister, all I know is they make the hair on my goat's back stand up!" | |
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| Send me jokes! PLEASE!
Posted: 4/4/2008 9:52:05 AM | little boy to little girl:ha ha i've got one of these and you've only got one of those.
little girl to little boy: yes, but with one of these i can have as many of those as i want | |
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| How to get rid of brain tumors without surgery
Posted: 4/4/2008 6:45:46 PM | Hey there fun fl girl, I vote for #3. And, you can repeat it if it doesnt work the first time!!!
Seriously though, I believe everything will work out just great!!! | |
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| airplane joke
Posted: 4/4/2008 6:48:08 PM | | ROFLMFAO!!!!! I really do not care to fly, so the last part really got to me!!!!! | |
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| airplane joke
Posted: 4/5/2008 8:16:17 AM | still laughing lots here!!!! thanks!! Now I know I gotta cut down on my coffee drinking and flying!
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| The Cochroach
Posted: 4/5/2008 7:44:39 PM | All the best with your surgury. I think you have a great attitude about it.
Oh... and sorry in advance for this one.
***
One night a man is sitting home alone watching TV when there's a knock at the door. He gets up, answers the door and sees a 6 foot tall cochroach on his doorstep. The cochroach slaps him in the face and runs off laughing into the night. "MWHAHA!" Alright... the man thinks, that was a little wierd, but I've seen some wierd things in life, I can accept that. He goes back to watching TV.
The next night the man is home again, when he hears a knock on the door. He answers the door and there's the 6 foot tall****oach. The roach slaps him the face, punchs him in the gut and runs off laughing into the night. Oookay, thinks the man, that was wierd. But I've seen some wierd things, done some wierd drugs... I can accept that. He goes back to the TV.
The next night he hears a knock on the door and answers it and is shocked to see the roach again. The****oach slaps him in the face, punchs him in the gut, stabs him repeatedly and runs off laughing into the night. The man crawls to the phone and dials 911. At the ER they barely manage to save his life. The next day as he's laying in recovery the ER doctor comes into the room.
"My God man! What happened to?" asks the doctor. The man proceeds to tell him about the****oach that attacked him. The doctors nods thoughtfully and says, "Yep... there's a nasty bug going around!"
***
There's something profounding satisfying about wasting five minutes of someone's life with that joke! | |
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| Send me jokes! PLEASE!
Posted: 4/5/2008 8:23:18 PM | Good luck with your Op. Hope this helps ease things a little...............Charlie was a sprightly 80 year old. He thought he'd give the ladies at the old folks home a bit of excitement and ran across the lawn naked. As he passed a couple of elderly spinsters, one said to the other, " My goodness, Annie, what was that that just passed?" " I don't know what it was," said her companion , " but it certainly needed ironing."  | |
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