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Posted: 4/6/2008 1:57:44 PM | I wish you only the best OP. Here's some useless trivia for ya, don't know how factual it is lol, but I hope it gives you a smile.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Peanuts are one of the ingredients in the making of dynamite.
A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
There are more chickens than people in the world.
All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.
Almonds are a member of the peach family.
Los Angeles's full name is "El Pueblo DE Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles Porciuncula" ~ and can be abbreviated to 3.63% of its size to "LA."
A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
In most advertisements, including newspapers, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10.
Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
The only real person to be a Pez head was Betsy Ross.
A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.
A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
On an American one dollar bill, there is an owl in the upper left hand corner of the "1" encased in the "shield", and a spider hidden in the front upper right hand corner.
It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.
In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.
The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocked. (but I really wonder about that, hehe)
John Lennon's first girlfriend was named Thelma Pickles.
There you have it, a bunch of things you didn't need to know. 
Brazos, Sol | |
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Posted: 4/6/2008 2:02:19 PM | Here's another one..........
Once there was a millionaire who had a collection of live alligators. He kept them in a pool at the back of his mansion.
During one of his many parties he announced, "My dear guests, I have a proposition to every man here." He stretched his arm out toward the pool, and continued, "I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge on the other side unharmed!"
As soon as he finished his last word, there is the sound of a large splash.
The guests all turned to see a man in the pool swimming as fast as he could. They cheer him on as he keeps stroking.
Finally the swimming man makes it to the other side unharmed. The millionaire is so impressed he said, "My boy, that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well, I must keep my end of the bargain, so which do you want? My daughter or the one million dollars?
The somewhat exhausted man says, "Listen, I don't want your money and I don't want your daughter either. I want the SOB who pushed me into the pool!" | |
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Posted: 4/6/2008 5:07:33 PM | Why couldnt miss piggy sing at the opera the night after meeting kermit?
she had a frog in her throat.
whats the difference between a pick pocket, and a peeping tom?
one snatches watchs, and one watches snatchs.
what do you call a pedifile pirate?
Arrrrrrrrrrrr Kelly.
what's the difference between oral and anal sex?
one makes your day, one makes your hole week.
Why did the moron put empty beer bottles in the fridge?
for friends that don't drink.
How are a Tornado and Marriage similar?
Starts with a lot of sucking and blowing, in the end, you lose your house.
Whats the deffination of a male chauvinistic pig?
a man that hates every bone in a woman's body, except his own.
hope these make you feel better
C- | |
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Posted: 4/6/2008 6:25:01 PM | A city guy was speeding along a country road and, as he passed a farm, a rooster ran in front of the car and was killed instantly. The guy got out, picked up the dead bird, took it over to the farmhouse and knocked on the door. The farmers wife answered. " I'm sorry lady, i've just killed your rooster and i would like to replace it." "Please yourself," said the farmers wife, "the hens are around the back."  | |
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Posted: 4/7/2008 12:37:30 PM | there's this act on at the local whereby this geezer has a crocodile up on stage
here's a neat trick he says and promptly puts his tadger in the crocs mouth.
then taking a baseball bat he whacks the croc on the head.
anyone else like a go at that he asks whereupon a little old lady says "i'll have a go but don't hit me so hard with the f*cking bat" | |
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Posted: 4/8/2008 7:17:19 AM | Why it is so cool to be a man:
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
Dry cleaners and hair cutters don't rob you blind.
You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
You don't have to learn to spell a new last name.
You can leave the motel bed unmade.
You can get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.
If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking "He must be mad at me."
Same work, more pay.
Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.
Wedding dress: $1000. Tuxedo rental: $75.
You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.
Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with "So, notice anything different?"
You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut or a bolt.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
The same hairstyle lasts years, maybe decades.
At least a few belches are expected and tolerated.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one par of shoes, one color, all seasons.
You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.
Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes  | |
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Posted: 4/8/2008 5:25:03 PM | BECAUSE WE ARE MEN.......................If we put a woman on a pedastal and try to protect her from the rat race, we're a male chauvinist pig. If we stay at home and do the housework, we're a pansy. If we work too hard, there is never any time for her and the kids. If we don't work hard enough, we're a good for nothing layabout. If she has a boring repetive job with low pay, that is exploitation. If we have a boring repetive job with low pay, we should get off our butts and find something better. If a man gets a promotion ahead her, that is favouritism. If she gets a promotion ahead of a man, that is equal opportunity. If we mention how nice she looks, that is sexual harassment. If we keep quite, that is typical male indifference. If we cry, we're an old woman. If we don't, we're an incensitive **stard. If he makes a decision without consulting her, he's a chauvanist. If she makes a decision without regard for his feelings, then she's a liberated woman. If he asks her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that is domination. If she asks him it's a favour. If we appreciate the female form and frilly underwear we're sexual perverts. If we don't notice, we're poofters. If we like a woman to keep in shape and shave her legs, that is sexist. If we don't care, that is unromantic. If we try to keep ourselves in shape, that is vanity. If we don't we're slobs. If we buy her flowers, we're after something. If we don't, we're forgetful. If we're proud of our achievements, we're up ourselves. If we aren't we're not ambitiouse. If we ask for a cuddle, we never think of anything else but sex. If we're totally wrecked after a hard day at work, we never give a damm about other peoples needs. If she has a headache, it's because she's tired. If he has a headache, it's because he doesn't love her anymore. If we want sex too often, we're over sexed. If we can't perform on cue, there must be someone else.  | |
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Posted: 4/8/2008 9:25:51 PM | Man goes into a bar, he is feeling bad cause he just lost his job and only has 20 bucks to his name. He tells the bartender to bring him 20 bucks worth of his cheapest whisky. He drinks a few shots and notices three different size jars on a ledge behind the bar, one small,one medium and one big, they are all full of money.
What are the jars for? The little jar is for anyone that can knock big Jim out cold. That is big Jim at the other end of the bar ( 6'5 260lb). Guy drinks a few more shots and is feeling pretty buzzed. He walks behind big Jim, picks up a bar stool and Bam, hits jim in back of the head and knocks him out cold.
Bartender brings him the jar and it is full of 50's and 100's. He gives the bartender a 100 and asks for a bottle of his best whisky. He then asks the bartender what do I have to do for the other two jars.
Bartender says, I have a pit bull dog tied up out back, I have had that dog for a long, long time but, lately he has become very, very mean and will bite anyone who gets close to him, he even took a bite out of me but, I think it;s because he has a bad tooth, so if you can get to him and pull that tooth out, I will give you the 2nd jar full of money.
Bartender points to a lady in a table at the back of the bar, that is ole Suzie rotten crotch, she is the nastiest hooker around and if you can put her on that table and eat her out without puking, I will give you the big jar full of money,
The guy drinks half of the bottle of whisky, then tells the bartender to watch his small jar full of money cause he is going out back for the next jar.
He is very drunk and can barley stand up, but he makes it to the back door, the door shuts behind him.
Everyone can hear the dog going crazy and loud crashes, sounds like a war for a few minutes, then all they hear is the dog yelping......
The door opens up about 15 minutes later and the guy is standing in the doorway, shirt and pants torn and bloody he walks over to the bar and says to the bartender.
OK WHERE IS THAT NASTY HOOKER THAT NEEDS HER TOOTH PULLED!
Hope this makes you laugh and keep up the good fight! We are all praying for you. | |
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Posted: 4/8/2008 9:35:00 PM | Why do ladies call that time of the month PMS?
Cause mad cow was already taken......
Ok,ok ladies don't get mad. here is one for ya'll
What do you call that useless, insensitive part at the base of the penis?
It's called a man.... Yea I didn't think that was funny either... | |
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Posted: 4/9/2008 12:00:00 AM | here is one..,
A guy looking to get laid has only 5 dollars. Goes into a whorehouse and ask the madam what he can do for him. Out walks a beautiful lady,this one here is 100 dollars. Oh goodness, he said i dont have that much. OK she goes we cater to all price ranges. another comes out. not bad!! this ones is 50 dollars. again, he goes i do not have that kind of money. umm... she goes ok lets go down a bit more. out comes a chubby but half way descent women. this one is 25 dollars again the man says he doesnt have the funds. Jeez!! she exclams. Well here is Banged up Betty. In a car accident years ago,but all organs in tact. He is like well what can i do? How much? this one is 10 dollars. once again the man is like I do not have that much.
What? You got to be kidding?? how much do you have? 5 dollars he says. 5 DOLLARS??? I DONT KNOW WHAT I CAN DO FOR YOU!! WAIT A MINUTE..... I GOT SOMETHING FOR YOU... really????? he goes? out walks a beautiful women. puzzled he asks i have this one for 5 dollars? Yes the madam goes but not in the way you think... the women pulls out her glass and says you have her socket for the 5 dollars. the man totally grossed out says YUK, NO WAY!!! the women with the glass eyes says. Come on try it!! Its not that bad. shrugging is shoulders he says ok.
so he is working comes to completion(no pun inteaded) and seems real refreshed. The women asks So how did you like it? the man said Yeah that was great I cant believe it!
I would be inclined to do so again soon!! so the women says Hey if your ever in the neighborhood let me know, I KEEP A EYE OUT FOR YOU!! | |
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Posted: 4/9/2008 12:40:19 AM | here is another,
a man walks into a restaurant he sits down waiting for a order and a beautiful women is sitting two tables down. the women i guess suffering from hey fever has a violent snezze. POW!!! her glass eyes flys right out! The man two tables down with his sharp reflexes catches the eye not realizing what it was look down and sees the eye looking at him in his palm. the women runs over embarassed and thanks the man for catching the eye and pretends to drop something to put it back in her head.
the women says I like to make this up to you. I didnt order yet did you? The man says no i didnt but thats ok i mean you dont owe me anything. I insist. she says. Goes to the store buys some nice food buys a nice bottle of wine makes a candlelight romantic dinner then after a night of good sex.
then the man start to wonder, beautiful women i mean,does she do this with all guys she meets? So boldly he asked her Do you always do this with the guys you meet for the first time?? She replies OF COURSE NOT!! so he asks Am I special??
she goes Of course your special!! After all YOU WERE THE ONE WHO CAUGHT MY EYE!!! | |
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Posted: 4/9/2008 9:55:26 AM | A teacher is teaching her class about the five senses and on this day they were learning about taste.
She blindfolds all the kids in her class then gives them all a red life saver and asks every one to tell her what it taste like. Cherry,cherry,cherry everyone gets it right. She gives them small piece of bannana and once again, everyone gets it right. The last one is honey flavor and she is sure it will be a bit harder to guess.The kids taste the honey and no one can guess what it is. Teacher says ok kids here is a little hint for you. Your mom probably calls your dad this all the time.
Little Ricky quickly spits his candy out and starts yelling SPIT IT OUT,SPIT IT OUT. THE TEACHER FEED US ***holeS! | |
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Posted: 4/9/2008 10:16:37 AM | A young couple was getting married and desided to give up one thing they loved for the other.
The young man told his new bride he would never smoke again because the smoke bothered her.
The young lady vowed to never eat baked beans again (although it was her favorite food) . They had a bad effect on her and didn't want him to have to smell the gases.
Years went by and the young lady had a terrible day at work and on the way home had a flat tire. It was her Birthday and decided to allow herself a small bowl of Baked beans at the diner where her car broke down at.
She called her husband to rescue her. When arriving home he had told her he had a surprise for her and she had to be blind folded. He lead her into the kitchen sat her down and was about to reveal the surprise when the phone rang. He told her not to remove the blind fold until he got back.
Taking advantage of the phone call...she let a small fart. It smelled so bad that she started waving her arms to clear the odor. Hearing that he was still on the phone she let another out, then another....Listening to the conversation and realizing it was almost at a close she waved her arms again. Smiling and feeling better now that she had gotten rid of the gas, she hears her husband entering the room. He asks did you remove the blind fold? She replies NO!!!
He comes up behind her and removes the blind fold....then the 6 dinner guests all yell surprise!!!!!!!!
Hope everthing goes well..... | |
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Posted: 4/9/2008 10:50:38 AM | Laughter is the best medicine! Ok maybe not the "best" but it sure helps.
Not sure what you find funny, but this is one I always likes.
Randy The Rooster
This farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster for sale.
The other farmer says, "yeah, I've got this great rooster, named Randy: He'll service every chicken you've got, no problem."
Well, Randy the Rooster costs a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Randy. The farmer takes Randy home and sets him down in the barn yard, giving the rooster a pep talk.
"Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money and, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer says with a chuckle.
Randy seems to understand; so the farmer points toward the hen house and Randy takes off like a shot. Wham--- He nails every hen in there three or four times and the farmer is just shocked. Randy runs out of the hen house and sees a flock of geese down by the lake. Wham---He gets all the geese. Randy's up in the barn with the pigeons; he's in with the ducks. Randy is jumping on every fowl the farmer owns. The farmer is distraught, worried that his expensive rooster won't even last the day. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and upon awakening the next day finds Randy dead as a doorknob, still as a rock, in the middle of the yard. Buzzards are circling overhead.
The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."
Randy opens one eye, nods toward the sky and says, "Shhh, they're getting closer." | |
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Posted: 4/9/2008 8:46:53 PM | what did the blond say after multiple orgasms?
so yall play fo rthe same team or what? | |
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Posted: 4/9/2008 8:52:18 PM | watson adn sherlock holmes were walkin thru the park when they spy 3 women sittin on a park bench eatin bananas. as they walk by holmes says to them evening ladies.
adn watson says "u know them sir?" and holmes replies u mean the nun, whore and the house wife? no .
then watson replies " well how do u know its a nun whore and a house wife?" which he replies "elementary my dear watson the nun just barely nibbled on teh end of the banana, and the whore grabbed it with both hands and shoved it down her throat! and the house wife grabbed teh banana with one hand and the back of her head with the other and started pushin her head towards teh banana!" | |
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Posted: 4/9/2008 10:34:24 PM | Sven and Olaf worked together in a factory and both were laid off.
So...dey went to the Unemployment Office togedder.
Asked his occupation, Olaf said, "Panty Stitcher. I sew da elastic on to ladies cotton panties."
The clerk looked up Panty Stitcher. Finding it classified as unskilled labor, she gave Olaf $300 a week in unemployment pay.
Sven was asked his occupation he replied, "Diesel Fitter". Since Diesel Fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Sven $600 a week.
When Olaf found this out, he was furious! He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and coworker was collecting double his benefits.
The clerk explained, "Panty Stitchers are unskilled, and Diesel Fitters are skilled labor."
"What skill?", yelled Olaf. "I sew da elastic on da panties. Olaf puts dem over his head and says, "Yah, ------------- DIESEL FITTER."  | |
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Posted: 4/10/2008 7:51:52 AM | These jokes are definitely keeping me laughing!!!  I appreciate more than you know!
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| Send me jokes! PLEASE!
Posted: 4/10/2008 8:23:15 AM | Whats green and smells like pork?
Kermits finger!
hahahahahaha | |
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Posted: 4/10/2008 10:55:27 AM | | Limeshines, LMAO!!! that is just bad!!!but hilarious none the less!! thanks! | |
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| Labour Pains
Posted: 4/10/2008 12:06:39 PM | A man and a women are expecting their first child. The wife is 9 months along, and right on schedual she goes into labour. The husband rushes her to the hospital. By now the woman is howling in pain.
The doctor comes in, sees the woman suffering and says, "You know, we have this new machine that can transfer some of the labour pain to the father." The couple agrees this is a great idea, and the doctor hooks up the machine, and turns it up to 10%. "How do you feel?" He asked the husband.
"Fine," he replies, "just like I have a little indigestion." The doctor cranks the machine up to 50%, and the man still feels okay. "I just feel like I need to use the washroom... you women are a bunch of sissies." The doctors cranks the machine up all the way to 100% and the wife delivers the baby without any pain. The husband grunts and groans but comes out of the delivery unscathed.
On the way home he tells his wife. "I'm sure glad I could help honey, but I don't know what you women have been whining about all these years." He's still talking like this when he gets out of the car and heads to the door. On his way into the house he trips over the mailman, who's dead on the porch. | |
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| Labour Pains
Posted: 4/11/2008 6:17:10 AM | | all the best darlingfor a quick recovery from your illness il try and make u laugh bloke takes his wife to the doctors its my wife doctor shes not the same person doctor says il examine her whats wrong with her doc im not sure he says its either aids or altziemers the man says if you dont know how will i know drop her off 50 miles away if she comes home dont f k her says the doc | |
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Posted: 4/11/2008 11:31:44 AM | a man walks into a bar ........ouch!
whats got 6 legs and flies
3 pairs of trousers
doctor watson returns home from shopping and finds sherlock holmes bent over rubbing curd on his bottom
"what you doing"says watson
"lemon entry dear watson lemon entry" | |
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Posted: 4/11/2008 1:26:51 PM | newlyweds a few days into the honeymoon and nothing has happened both are a bit shy but the man decices something has to be done about it so he says to new wife if we want to have sex can we just use a code word thats ok says the wife she says the code word is washingmachine great says the husband
so that night hes very horny so he says washingmachine to wife not tonight dear ive a pain in my head she replies
next night same story and goes on for about a weak then the man gives up
after about a month one night the wife says washingmachine to husbend
he turns around looks her straight in the face and says
"its ok dear ide a small load so did it by hand" | |
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