| Send me jokes! PLEASE!
Posted: 4/13/2008 6:36:51 PM | Help Wanted: Telepath.
You know where to apply.
Great Thinkers of Our Time?
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live
forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would
live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not
live forever."
-- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over
the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like
that but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
-- Mariah Carey
"Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the
same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also
discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember
what they are."
-- Matt Lauer on NBC's Today show, August 22
"I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with
the law."
-- David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations
that he failed to pay his taxes.
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important
part of your life."
-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson
for a federal anti-smoking campaign
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my
body."
-- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime
rates in the country."
-- Former Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C.
"We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees."
-- Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks
"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers.
We are the president."
-- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed
documents
"China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese."
-- Former French President Charles De Gaulle
"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a
jackass, and I'm just the one to do it."
-- A congressional candidate in Texas
"When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the
riots and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple:
Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to
blame for the killings? The killers are to blame."
-- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on the complex social
issues behind the Los Angeles Riots
"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away
from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new
land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for
themselves."
-- John Wayne
"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
-- Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the
impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
-- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
"Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the
public mind."
-- General William Westmoreland
"It's like changing the rules in the middle of the stream."
-- Rev. Jesse Jackson
"I don't know of anyone who wants this to be over more than me,
except maybe everyone else in America."
-- President William Jefferson Clinton
"What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind
is being very wasteful. How true that is."
-- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
"If you let that sort of thing go on, your bread and butter will
be cut right out from under your feet."
-- Former British foreign minister Ernest Bevin
"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
-- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
And in 2000, our boy Dan was quoted as saying that the
Republicans would definitely nominate someone this time who
would beat Bill Clinton. Of course the 22nd amendment precludes
Bill from running again...
Computer Acronyms:
PCMCIA- People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
ISDN- It Still Does Nothing
APPLE- Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
SCSI- System Can't See It
BASIC- Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control
IBM- I Blame Microsoft
CD-ROM- Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
OS/2- Obsolete Soon, Too.
WWW- World Wide Wait
MACINTOSH- Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System
Hangs
PENTIUM- Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect
Understanding of Mathematics
COBOL- Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language
WINDOWS- Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
MICROSOFT- Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only
(for) Fools (&) Teenagers.
Q: Hey... Did you here about the new Episcopal Church that just
opened up?
A: They are so liberal that they have 6 commandments and 4
suggestions. | |
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| Send me jokes! PLEASE!
Posted: 4/13/2008 6:38:48 PM | A hotdog walks into a bar and orders a beer.
The bartender replies, "Sorry, we don't serve food here".
There are three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are
talking about the amount of control they have over their wives,
while the third remains quiet.
After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says,
"Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over
your wife?"
The third fellow says, "I'll tell you. Just the other night my
wife came to me on her hands and knees."
The first two guys were amazed. "Wow! What happened then?" they
asked.
The third man took a healthy swallow of his beer, sighed and
uttered, "She said, "'Get out from under the bed and fight like
a man."
On a busy day, on a busy corner, there is a big accident in
which there is a victim. The man who has been injured requests
a priest.
The police officer on the scene turns around and asks if there is
a priest in the crowd. Nobody answers. The man still cries out
"A priest, a priest please".
The officer once again turns around and asks if there is a priest
in the crowd. Suddenly, an old jewish rabbi comes up and says
"Officer, I'm a 70 year old Rabbi, but I've lived for 20
years behind St. Patrick's church. Every night I hear them in
their prayers. Maybe I can help."
So the officer brings the Rabbi to the dying man. The Rabbi
kneels down and addresses these following words to the dying
man:
"B1-I18-N44-G56-O75"
Ask not for whom the bell tolls; let the machine get it. | |
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Posted: 4/13/2008 6:40:14 PM | A husband and wife enter a dentist`s office. The Wife says, "I want a
tooth pulled. I don`t want gas or novocain because I`m in a terrible
hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible."
"You`re a brave woman," says the dentist, "Now, show me which tooth it
is."
The wife turns to her husband and says "Open your mouth and show the
dentist which tooth it is, dear."
It was so cold outside, I saw a politician that had his hands in
his OWN pockets.
These are NOT made up. These are the actual titles of Country
Songs...
1. Get Your Biscuits In The Oven And Your Buns In Bed
2. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You
Goodbye
3. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
4. I Can't Get Over You, So Why Don't You Get Under Me?
5. I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling
6. I Got In At 2 With a 10, And Woke Up At 10 With a 2
7. I Hate Every Bone In Your Body Except For Mine
8. I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You
9. I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well
10. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better
11. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd
Win
12. I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonite
13. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like Having You Here
14. I've Got Tears in My Ears From Lying On My Back Crying my
eyes out over you
15. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now
16. Mama Get A Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head)
17. My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love Jesus
18. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, and I Sure Do Miss
Him
19. Please Bypass this Heart
20. She Got The Ring and I Got The Finger
21. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly
Two beggars are sitting on a park bench outside a church on a
Sunday morning. They are both dressed in rags, each is holding a
top hat, the one has a large cross around his neck and the other
a large Star of David. After church, the congregants file out,
each placing money in the hat belonging to the beggar with the
cross while ignoring the beggar with the Star of David. Soon the
hat of the beggar with the cross is overflowing with money while
the other beggar's hat remains empty.
A priest who has been watching this approaches the bench and
says to the beggar with the Star of David around his neck "My
son, surely you realize you are in a Christian country, in a
Christian neighborhood, on a Sunday morning, sitting outside a
church? How can you possibly expect anyone to give you any
money, especially since you are wearing a large Star of David
around your neck?"
On hearing this the beggar with the Star of David around his
neck turns to the other beggar and says "Moshe, can you believe
this priest trying to tell us how to run our business!" | |
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Posted: 4/13/2008 6:42:10 PM | Have you driven a Ford lately?
Yeah, that's why I drive a Chevy!
A man returns from a trip to Amsterdam and is feeling very ill.
He goes to see his doctor and is immediately rushed to the
hospital to undergo a series of tests.
The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the
hospital and the phone by his bed rings.
"This is your doctor," says the voice on the phone. "We have the
results back from your tests, and I'm sorry, you have an
extremely contagious and deadly sexually transmitted disease
known as G.A.S.H.
"G.A.S.H?" replies the patient. "What the hell is that?"
"It's a combination of gonorrhea, AIDS, syphilis, and herpes,"
explains the doctor.
"My gosh, Doc!" screams the man in a panic, "what are we going
to do?"
"Well we're going to put you on a diet of pizza, pancakes and
pita bread," says the doctor matter-of-factly.
"Will that cure me?"
"Well no," says the doctor, "but it's the only food that will
fit under the door."
This one big lawyer from the city decided to take time away from his
busy day and went out to a farm and shot a duck.
The farmer walks out Of his building upon hearing the shot and
screams at the city guy - "HEY You can't shoot that duck on my
property. That duck belongs to me. Hand it over!"
The city guy says, 'Hell no I shot him so I get to keep him!" The
farmer and the city boy decide to settle it country style (which is
to kick each other in the nuts till the other one falls over")
So the farmer goes first and slams the city boy a nice hard stiff
kick. Upon receiving the kick, the city boy damn near collapses
from the pain.
The city boy regains his balance and stutters "It's my turn" The
farmer looks at him and says - "aw hell, keep the damn duck!
A doctor goes to the mental hospital to visit his patients. In
one of the rooms, he sees a man walking around, dragging a
toothbrush on a leash.
The doctor asks the man: "What are you doing, walking the
dog?" The man replies: "Oh no, I'm just dragging my toothbrush on a
leash."
The doctor leaves the room amazed, thinking how many normal people
end up in mental institutions...
And the man says to his toothbrush: "Ha, Fifi, we tricked
him!" | |
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Posted: 4/13/2008 6:45:09 PM | Only a Short one this time guys but more to come
A KARATE CHOP FROM KOREA
There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big guy comes in and --WHACK!! -- knocks him clean off the bar stool and onto the floor. The big guy says, "That was a karate chop from Korea."
The little guy thinks "GEEZ," but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden --WHACK-- the big guy knocks him down AGAIN and says, "That was a judo chop from Japan."
So the little guy has had enough of this... He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves. The little guy is gone for an hour or so when he returned. Without saying a word, he walks up behind the big idiot and --Bong!!!-- bangs the big guy off his stool, knocking him out cold!!!
The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When he comes to, tell him that was a crowbar from Kmart." | |
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Posted: 4/13/2008 6:48:54 PM | WASHING MACHINE SEX
A newlywed couple returned to their apartment after being on their honeymoon.
"Care to go upstairs and do it?" the husband asked.
"Shh!" said the bride "All the neighbors will know what we're about to do. These walls are paper thin. In the future, we'll have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking, 'Have you left the washing machine door open' instead?"
So, the following night, the husband asks, "I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open, did you?"
"No, I definitely shut it," replied the wife who rolled over and fell asleep.
When she woke up however, she was feeling a little frisky herself and she nudged her husband and said, "I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?"
"No, thanks," said the husband. "It was only a small load so I did it by hand." | |
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Posted: 4/13/2008 6:50:02 PM | IN A WORD
I was scared at first. It was very wide, and very long, and it angled straight up. I decided I had to try it once. I slowly and carefully eased myself onto it. It felt weird at first. Then I got used to it. I went up and down, and up and down on it. I was really loving it.
*Now I ride on escalators all the time.*
---------------------------------------------------
I took my fingers and slowly, gently stretched it apart. It was so pure and white. I licked it once, twice. I found I couldn't stop. I licked it faster and faster, and harder. I began to scrape my teeth against it. There it was, in my mouth! All sweet and creamy. I was done.
* And I threw away the outsides of my Oreo cookies*
---------------------------------------------
It was laying limp in my hand. It was very long, kind of thin. I slid it between my fingers until I got to the end of it. I was turning it on. It became firm in my hands, and the end was wet. Then it got very hard and began gushing out of the tip.
*Then I took the garden hose and watered the bushes.*
---------------------------------------------------
I knew it could be done. I wanted to try but I didn't know if I could do it. I called my friend. He said he knew how to do it and would teach me. He put his arms around me and started. I watched nervously in the mirror. He finally finished and pulled back slowly. I felt relieved that it was over.
* I hate neckties.*
-----------------------------------------------
It looked warm and dark, and juicy and inviting. I wasn't sure just what I wanted to do with it. I carefully pulled it apart with my fingers to look into it better. I knew how great it would be if I just started eating it.
*But I decided to put ketchup on my burger.*
---------------------------------------------
MORAL? It is not the word that corrupts the mind, but the mind that corrupts the word | |
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Posted: 4/13/2008 6:56:42 PM | A blonde girl goes into a hair salon and she's wearing earphones
connected to her walkman.
She tells the hair stylist to cut her hair but NOT to take off
her earphones. He had to cut around it. But, he thought it would
look really stupid if he didn't cut under her earphones so he
picked them up and lifted them slightly.
Suddenly, she fell to the ground, dead. The hair stylist picked
up the ear phones to see what she had been listening to and a
recorded voice was saying "Breathe In, Breathe Out. Breathe In,
Breathe Out."
There was this 8 year old kid who lived with his 82 year old
grandma. He had been living with her for some time, and he
thought, that with all the work she does, he could at least make
her a cup of coffee in the morning.
So he woke up early one day, and made a cup of coffee and
brought it to his grandma. She took one drink of it and died
instantly. He called 911, and the paramedics rushed over there.
While examining the grandma, one of the paramedics pulls out a
little plastic green soldier from her throat. After the
paramedic learns that the kid made her coffee and put that
soldier in there, of course, the first question is "why". The
kid answered, "Grandma always said, 'The best part of waking up
is soldiers in your cup'!"
Why are dumb blonde jokes one liners?
So men can understand them.
Things not to say to a police officer who pulls you over:
12. Hey, wasn't your daughter a porn queen?
11. I'm surprised you stopped me, Dunkin Donuts has a 3 for 1
special!
10. If I bend over, will I still get a ticket?
9. No, offi, offic, lucifer . . . I'm not as think you are drunk
I am. I swear to dog.
8. No, I don't know how fast I was going. The little needle
stops at 110 mph.
7. Back off, Barney, I've got a piece.
6. Want to race to the station, Sparky?
5. I know I was weaving, but I was trying to hit all the little
green men!
4. On the way to the station let's get a six pack.
3. You'll never get those cuffs on me. . . You Homo!
2. Come on write the damn ticket, the bars close in 20
minutes!
1. No, YOU assume the position.
A blonde, a redhead and a brunette all jump off a cliff.
Which one hit the bottom first?
Not the blonde, she needed directions!
Headline in today's newspaper:
"Suicidal Twin kills sister by mistake"!
What goes Clip clop clip clop clip clop BANG clip clop clip clop
clip clop?
An Amish drive by shooting!
Blondes' Revenge
-Why do brunettes like their dark hair color?
It doesn't show the dirt.
-Who makes all the bras for brunettes?
Fisher-Price
-Why didn't Indians scalp brunettes?
The hair from a buffalo's butt was more manageable.
-Why are most brunettes flat-chested?
It makes it easier for them to read their T-shirts.
-Why are brunettes so proud of their hair?
It matches their mustache.
-Why is the color brunette considered evil?
When's the last time ya saw a blonde witch?
-How can you tell a brunette is lonely ?
Check her for a pulse.
-What is the most frustrated animal in the world?
A brunette rabbit.
-Why do brunettes wear training bras?
It's cheaper than changing their Band-Aids every day.
-Why did they quit selling brunette Barbie dolls?
Parents felt the dandruffmight be contagious.
-How do brunettes get the tangles out their hair?
With a rake.
-Why don't brunettes get breast implants?
They've already spent their money on thigh & butt implants.
-Why did God create brunettes?
So ugly men wouldn't feel left out.
-What do brunettes miss most about a great party?
The invitation.
-Where do brunettes get the hair for a transplant?
From their underarms.
-How do you describe a brunette whose phone rings on Saturday
night?
Startled.
-What do you call a good-looking man with a brunette?
A hostage.
-How did Revlon come up with it's brunette hair color?
By studying what oilspills did to seaweed.
-What's the difference between a brunette and the trash?
At least the trash gets taken out once a week.
-What kind of costumes do brunette girls wear on Halloween?
They just stand on their heads and go as dirty mops.
-Why do brunettes have to pay an extra $2,000 for a breast job?
Because the plastic surgeon has to start from scratch.
-What did the frustrated brunette say to her uninterested lover?
'What part of *yes* don't you understand?'
Actual Ads seen in newspapers:
1. Illiterate? Write today for free help.
2. Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once,
you'll never go anywhere again.
3. Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard,
meals and smacks included.
4. Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
5. Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to
travel.
6. Stock up and save. Limit: one.
7. Semi-annual After-Christmas sale.
8. 3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience
preferred.
9. Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom
for efficient beating.
10. Dinner special - Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25;
Children $2.00.
A little corporate humor
----------------------
I took some friends out to dinner last week, and I noticed a
spoon in the shirt pocket of our waiter as he handed us the
menus. It seemed a little odd, but I dismissed it as a random
thing. Until our busboy came with water & tableware; he too,
sported a spoon in his breast pocket. I looked around the room,
and all the waiters, waitresses, busboys, etc. had spoons in
their pockets.
When our waiter returned to take our order, I just had to ask,
"Why the spoons?"
"Well," he explained, "our parent company recently hired some
Andersen Consulting efficiency experts to review all our procedures, and
after months of statistical analyses, they concluded that our patrons
drop spoons on the floor 73% more often than any other utensil; at a
frequency of 3 spoons per hour per workstation. By preparing all
our workers for this contingency in advance, we can cut our
trips to the kitchen down and save time...nearly 1.5 extra
man-hours per shift.
Just as he concluded, a "ch-ching" came from the table behind
him, and he quickly replaced a fallen spoon with the one from
his pocket.
"I'll grab another spoon the next time I'm in the kitchen
instead of making a special trip," he proudly explained.
I was impressed. "Thanks. I had to ask."
"No problem," he answered, then he continued to take our
orders.
As the members of my dinner party took their turns, my eyes
darted back & forth from each person ordering and my menu. That's when,
out of the corner of my eye, I spotted a thin, black thread
protruding from our waiter's fly. Again, I dismissed it; yet I
had to scan the room and, sure enough, there were other waiters
& busboys with strings hanging out of their trousers.
My curiosity overrode discretion at this point, so before he
could leave I had to ask. "Excuse me, but...uh...why, or
what...about that string?"
"Oh, yeah" he began in a quieter tone. "Not many people are that
observant. That same efficiency group found we could save time
in the Men's room, too." "How's that, I asked?"
"You see, by tying a string to the end of our, eh. . ., selves,
we can pull it out at the urinals literally hands-free and thereby
eliminate the need to wash our hands, cutting time spent in the restroom
by over 93%!" "Oh, that makes sense," I said, but then thinking through
the process, I asked, "Hey, wait a minute. If the string helps you
pull it out, how do you get it back in?"
"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the other guys; but I
use the spoon in my pocket"!
- HOPE NONE OF THESE JOKES OFFENDED ANY BRUNETTES OUTTHERE  | |
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Posted: 4/13/2008 7:01:36 PM | Two pieces of string walk into a bar. The first one walks up to
the bar and says, "Barkeep! Give me a beer!"
The bartender replies, "Well uh..aren't you a piece of
string?"
The piece of string answers, "Yeah!"
And the bartender says, "Well get out of here! We don't serve
your kind!"
So the first piece of string walks back towards the door.
The second piece of string says, "Hey wait, hold on a minute!"
"You're not doing it right, watch this."
He ties himself in a knot and frizzes out the top of his head.
He walks up to the bar and says "Barkeep! Give me a beer!"
The bartender says "Aren't you a piece of string?"
The piece of strings replies, "Nope, I'm afraid not!"
Don't hate yourself in the morning - sleep till noon.
A three legged dog walks into a saloon in the old west and
sidles up to the bar and announces:
"I'm looking for the man who shot my paw!"
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were
standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament
victories.
After about an hour, the hotel manager came out of his office
and asked them to disperse. "But why?, they asked, as they moved
off.
"Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an
open foyer."
What is the last thing to go through a bugs mind when it hits
your windshield?
Its butt!
A lady had a height problem - she was TOO tall, being excatly 2
meters tall. She hated the way she had to duck to walk through a
doorway, the way she felt so uncomfortable in a car... So she
visited an expert. The expert said:
"Go visit the Dwarven Town. It's full of dwarfs. Find any dwarf,
and ask him if he'll marry you. Every time a dwarf says 'no,'
you grow 10 cm shorter!"
The lady did as she was told. She went to the Dwarven Town, and
found a dwarf, and asked if he would marry her. He refused. She
found herself 10 cm shorter. She quickly repeated this act
another time on another dwarf. Now 180 cm tall, she decided to
ask one more dwarf then go home. She boldly walked up to a dwarf
and asked if he would marry her. The dwarf replied:
"No, no, no, no, no...! I don't want to marry a tall person like
you!
You're too tall! No, no, no, no, no!"
Q: How do you catch a unique rabbit?
A: Unique up on him.
Q: How do you catch a tame rabbit?
A: Tame way, unique up on him.
Don't let your mind wander too far.
It is too little to go out alone!
Q. What do you call a dead blonde in a closet?
A. The 1988 Hide-and-Go-Seek World Champion.
Q: What is the difference between a female lawyer and a
pitbull?
A: Lipstick | |
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| Send me jokes! PLEASE!
Posted: 4/13/2008 7:03:45 PM | Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner as usual, when Tim
Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."
"Of course you can come in. You're always welcome, Tim.
But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an
accident down at the Guinness brewery."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm
sorry."
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout
and drowned."
Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at
least go quickly?"
"Well, no Brenda, no."
"No?"
"Fact is, he got out three times to pee."
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To show the squirrel it CAN be done!
Q: Why are there so few Irish lawyers?
A: The majority of them can't pass the bar!
Otis, Henry, and Tom were sitting in a bar discussing their
wives.
Henry started by saying, "I think my wife is fooling around on
me. I went home the other day and found a hammer and a saw under
our bed. I think she is cheatin' on me with a carpenter!"
Tom answered, "Ya, I think my wife is not faithful either.
The other day I went home and found a pipe wrench and some pipes
under my bed. I think she is cheatin' on me with a plumber!"
Otis then joins in and says, "Well, if you think that's bad,
I've got one for ya. I went home yesterday and found a cowboy
under my bed.
I think my Lina is cheatin' on me with a horse!"
For months, Mrs. Pitzel had been nagging her husband to go with
her to the seance parlor of Madame Freda. "Milty, she's a real
gypsy, and she brings the voices of the dead from the other
world. We all talk to them! Last week, I talked with my mother,
may she rest in peace.
Milty, for twenty dollars you can talk to your zayde
(grandfather) who you misses so much!"
Milton Pitzel could not resist her appeal. At the very next
seance at Madam Freda's Seance Parlor, Milty sat under the
colored light at the green table, holding hands with the person
on each side.
All were humming, "Oooom, oooom, tonka tooom."
Madame Freda, her eyes lost in trance, was making passes over a
crystal ball. "My medium...Vashtri," she called. "Come in. Who
is that with you? Who? Mr. Pitzel? Milton Pitzel's Zayde?"
Milty swallowed the lump in his throat and called, "Grampa?
Zayde?"
"Ah, Milteleh?" a thin voice quavered.
"Yes! Yes!" cried Milty. "This is your Milty! Grandfather, are
you happy in the other world?"
"Milteleh, I am in bliss. With your bubbie together, we laugh,
we sing. We gaze upon the shining face of the Lord!" A dozen
more questions did Milty ask of his zayde, and each question did
his zayde answer, until "So now, Milteleh, I have to go. The
angels are calling. Just one more question I can answer. Ask.
Ask."
"Zayde," sighed Milty, "when did you learn to speak English?"
In a small southern town I saw a wonderful nativity scene, but
one feature bothered me. The three wise men were wearing
firemen's helmets. Unable to come up with a reason or
explanation, I left. At a convenience store on the edge of town,
I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets.
She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You darn Yankees never
do read the Bible!"
I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything
about firemen in the Bible. She jerked her Bible from behind the
counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her
finger at a passage.
Sticking it in my face, she said, "See, it says right here, 'The
three wise men came from afar!'"
A Border Patrol agent is on duty. He spots two Mexicans and
stops them. They show him their papers, but he thinks they are
phony.
He tells them, "Okay, I have a test for you. I want you to use
the words liver and cheese in a sentence."
So, the first guy says, "I made a liver and cheese sandwich for
lunch."
The agent says, "That was good, you can go. What about you?" he
asks the second guy.
He says, "Liver alone, cheese mine."
What did the blonde say when she saw the YMCA sign??
LOOK!!! They spelled MACY's wrong!!!! | |
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Posted: 4/13/2008 7:04:57 PM | Many years ago, a Jewish lady named Mrs. Rosenberg was stranded
late one night at a fashionable resort on Cape Cod --one that
did not admit Jews.
The desk clerk looked down at his book and said, "Sorry, no
room. The hotel is full."
The Jewish lady said, "But your sign says that you have
vacancies." The desk clerk stammered and then said curtly, "You
know that we do not admit Jews. Now if you will try the other
side of town..."
Mrs. Rosenberg stiffened noticeably and said, "I'll have you
know, I converted to your religion."
The desk clerk said, "Oh, yeah, let me give you a little test.
How was Jesus born?"
Mrs. Rosenberg replied, "He was born to a virgin named Mary in a
little town called Bethlehem."
"Very good," replied the hotel clerk. "Tell me more."
Mrs. Rosenberg replied, "He was born in a manger."
"That's right," said the hotel clerk. "And why was he born in a
manger?"
Mrs. Rosenberg said loudly, "Because a jerk like you in the
hotel wouldn't give a Jewish lady a room for the night!"
What did Snow White say when the photographer said her photos
were done?
I knew some day my prints would come!
How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
Shine a torch in her ear!
A young West Virginian girl wanted to go to college at UVA. But
her father said 'No Way! You're going to By-God West Virginia
Univ.'
Well she got her way and she went to UVA. The first semester
went by, and she wrote home that she was getting married to a
man from Richmond, VA named Clarence. Her father said 'I'll be
damned if my daughter is marrying a man from Richmond. You're
marrying a By-God West Virginian boy.'
So he sent his two sons to UVA to get their sister. In a couple
of days they returned. Dad said 'Where is your sister?'
They replied 'We were almost there Daddy, and we came up on this
overpass that had this sign that read - 'Clarence 13'6" - so we
turned around and got the hell out of there!'
Sid and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant. "Sid," asked
Al, "are there any Jews in China?"
"I don't know," Sid replied. "Why don't we ask the waiter?"
When the waiter came by, Al asked him, "Are there any Chinese
Jews?"
"I don't know sir, let me ask," the waiter replied, and he went
into the kitchen. He returned in a few minutes and said, "No,
sir. No Chinese Jews."
"Are you sure?" Al asked.
"I will check again, sir." the waiter replied and went back to
the kitchen.
While he was still gone, Sid said, "I cannot believe there are
no Jews in China. Our people are scattered everywhere."
When the waiter returned he said, "Sir, no Chinese Jews."
"Are you really sure?" Al asked again. "I cannot believe there
are no Chinese Jews."
"Sir, I ask everyone," the waiter replied exasperated.
"We have orange Jews, prune Jews, tomato Jews and grape Jews,
but no one ever hear of Chinese Jews!"
Why did the toad cross the road?
TO Show his girlfriend he has GUTS!
Several nurses on break in the Boston General cafeteria were
discussing boyfriends, past and present. Suddenly, a nurse from
New York City said, "Well, I have discovered men are all
alike!"
Whereupon, a pert little nurse from Dallas laughed and slapped
the table. "Gal," she said, "men are all Ah like, too!"
What do you get when you cut a banana in two?
A BANANA SPLIT! | |
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Posted: 4/13/2008 7:06:07 PM | Why do they always lock the bathroom doors at gas stations?
Are they afraid someone might clean them!?
Q: Did you hear about the 4 Pollocks who froze to death in a
drive-in movie???
They went to see "Closed For the Winter"!
. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to
"Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where
the "Any" key is.
2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse
was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned
out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.
3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man
complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files
from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and
heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the
customer labeled the diskettes then rolled them into the
typewriter to type the labels.
4. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her
defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the
customer along with Xeroxed copies of the floppies.
5. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled
floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked
the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down,
getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.
6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his
computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting,
the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of
paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting
the "send" key.
7. Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program,
so a Dell tech suggested he go to the local Egghead. "Yeah, I
got me a couple of friends," the customer replied. When told
Egghead was a software store, the man said, "Oh, I thought you
meant for me to find a couple of geeks."
8. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his
keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his
tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then
removing all the keys and washing them individually.
9. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was
enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an
invalid". The tech explained that the computer's "bad command"
and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.
10. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't
get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the
computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened
when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and
pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal"
turned out to be the computer's mouse.
11. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her
brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the
unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for
something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed
the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"
12. 1st Person: "Do you know anything about this fax-machine?"
2nd Person: "A little. What's wrong?" 1st Person: "Well, I
sent a fax, and the recipient called back to say all she
received was a cover-sheet and a blank page. I tried it again,
and the same thing happened." 2nd Person: "How did you load the
sheet?" 1st Person: "It's a pretty sensitive memo, and I didn't
want anyone else to read it by accident, so I folded it so only
the recipient would open it and read it."
13. True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp: Caller: "Hello, is
this Tech Support?" Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my
warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?" Tech:
"I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?" Caller: "Yes, it's
attached to the front of my computer." Tech: "Please excuse me
if I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this
as part of a promotion, at a trade show? How did you get this
cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?" Caller: "It came
with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotion. It
just has '4X' on it."
At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he
couldn't stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of
the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the
drive!
What is a frog's favorite drink?
Croak-a-cola!
There were 2 blondes and a brunette.
The first blonde said "I want to be smart."
POOF! She was a brunette.
The other blonde said the same thing. POOF!
She was a Brunette too!
The Brunette said "I want to be dumb!"
POOF! She was a man!
A woman goes into her lawyers' office requesting a divorce. He
is taking all of her background information and asks her, "Do you
have grounds for a divorce?"
To which she replies, "Well, we have three acres."
"No, ma'am. What I mean is, does he beat you up?" asks the
attorney.
"No, I get up around 6:30 and he sleeps until 7:00," she
responds.
Feeling a little frustrated the attorney asks, "Lady, tell me,
do you have a grudge?"
Looking very confident she states, "No, we have a carport."
At this point the lawyer has lost his patience and asks, "Look,
Lady. Why the heck do you want a divorce?"
"Because he can't hold an intelligent conversation!"
What is total agony?
A one-armed man hanging from a twenty story building, with a
serious case of jock itch.
A man walks into a bar pulling a heavy chain. The bartender
asks the man what he can get him and why the man is pulling
that chain around?
The man answered " HEY!! you ever tried pushing one of these
things!!" | |
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Posted: 4/13/2008 7:07:22 PM | Once upon a time, a beautiful, independent, self assured
princess happened upon a frog in a pond. The frog said to the
princess, "I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch put
a spell on me. One kiss from you and I will turn back into a
prince and then we can marry, move into the castle with my mom
and you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children
and forever feel happy doing so."
That night, while the princess dined on frog legs, she kept
laughing and saying, "I don't think so."
A blonde's house is on fire. She calls 911 and says, "My house
is on fire." The dispatcher says, "Well, can you tell me how we
get there?"
"Duhhhh, in the big red trucks, of course."
How do you drown a blonde? Put a scratch and sniff sticker at
the bottom of the pool!
God made oceans, God made lakes, God made NSYNC but hey, we all
make mistakes!!!!
Did you hear about the blonde that stared at an orange juice can
for 20 minutes because it said concentrate?
Q: Why do Lawyers smell?
A: So the blind can hate them, too!
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning at
the third tee (par 3, 185 yards, slight dog leg to left, water
hazard on the right) while a particularly slow group of golfers
were flailin away ahead of them.
Engineer: What's with these guys? We've been waiting for 15
minutes! Doctor: I don't know but I've never seen such
ineptitude! Priest: Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have
a word with him.
Priest: Hi George. Say George, what's with that group ahead of
us? They're rather slow, aren't they? George: Oh yes. That's a
group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight while saving
our club house last year, so we let them play here anytime free
of charge!
Doctor: Wow! Thanks for the scoop George. Priest: That's so sad.
I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight. Doctor:
Good idea. And I'm going to contact my opthamologist buddy and
see if there's anything he can do for them.
After a short pause ... Engineer: Why can't these guys play at
night?
There were three guys stuck on an island. One of them found a
lamp and rubbed it. Out came a genie. He said, "for freeing me
I'll grant you each a wish."
The first guy said, "I wish I were 25% smarter." So poof! He was
25% smarter, built a raft, and got off the island.
The next guy said, "I wish I were 50% smarter." So poof! He was 50%
smarter, built a canoe, and got off the island.
The last guy said, "I wish I were 100% smarter." So poof! He was
100% turned into a woman and walked across the bridge!! | |
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Posted: 4/13/2008 7:08:30 PM | Speech Recognition Software Demo
At a recent Sacramento PC User's Group meeting, a company was
demonstrating its latest speech-recognition software. A
representative from the company was just about ready to start
the demonstration and asked everyone in the room to quiet down.
Just then someone in the back of the room yelled, "Format C:
Return."
Someone else chimed in: "Yes, Return"
Unfortunately, the software worked...
What do you call a blonde that dies her hair brown? Artificial
intelligence!
If Atheists don't belive in God...
...can they get insured for an act of god?
Top Ten Least Popular Stephen King Novels
10. "The Man Who Died of Old Age"
9. "How Cujo Got His Groove Back"
8. "Here's Another One I Cranked Out In An Afternoon"
7. "Vacuumstarter"
6. "The Scary Windowless Corridor Next To The Oval Office"
5. "The Guy Who Accidentally Put Expired Milk In His Coffee --
He Didn't Drink It, But What If He Did?"
4. "The Scariest Part of This Book Is My Picture On The Back
Cover"
3. "Inside the Kitchen At Your Local T.G.I. Friday's"
2. "Hi I'm Your New Neighbor, Richard Simmons"
1. "Satan's Independent Prosecutor"
Adam was wandering around the Garden of Eden feeling very
lonely, when he heard a loud voice ask him, "What is wrong with
you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to, and he was
feeling very lonely.
Then the loud voice said he was going to give him a companion
and it would be a woman. The voice continued, saying; "this
person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always
agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children
and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take
care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first
to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will
never have a headache, and will freely give you love and
compassion whenever needed."
Adam thought that sounded great, so he asked "What would a woman
like this cost me??"
The voice answered, "an arm and a leg."
Adam thought about that for a moment. He thought that would be a
pretty high price to pay, so he then asked, "What can I get for
just a rib???"
The rest is history . . .
Indifference will be the downfall of mankind, but who cares?
And once again the low self-esteem therapy group meets here at
the Salvation Army Hall next Tuesday at
3.00 P.M. Remember that we prefer if you would use the back
entrance.
"Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual
free trip around the Sun!" | |
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Posted: 4/13/2008 7:09:49 PM | Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated
The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
If IBM made toasters ... They would want one big toaster where
people bring bread to be submitted for overnight toasting. IBM
would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe six toasters.
If Microsoft made toasters ... Every time you bought a loaf of
bread, you would have to buy a toaster. You wouldn't have to
take the toaster, but you'd still have to pay for it anyway.
Toaster'95 would weigh 15000 pounds (hence requiring a
reinforced steel countertop), draw enough electricity to power a
small city, take up 95% of the space in your kitchen, would
claim to be the first toaster that lets you control how light or
dark you want your toast to be, and would secretly interrogate
your other appliances to find out who made them. Everyone would
hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless would buy them since
most of the good bread only works with their toasters.
If Apple made toasters ... It would do everything the Microsoft
toaster does, but 5 years earlier.
If Xerox made toasters ... You could toast one-sided or
double-sided. Successive slices would get lighter and lighter.
The toaster would jam your bread for you.
If Radio Shack made toasters ... The staff would sell you a
toaster, but not know anything about it. Or you could buy all
the parts to build your own toaster.
If Oracle made toasters ... They'd claim their toaster was
compatible with all brands and styles of bread, but when you got
it home you'd discover the Bagel Engine was still in
development, the Croissant Extension was three years away, and
that indeed the whole appliance was just blowing smoke.
If Sun made toasters ... The toast would burn often, but you
could get a really good cuppa Java.
If Hewlett-Packard made toasters ... They would market the
Reverse Polish Toaster, which takes in toast and gives you
regular bread.
If The Rand Corporation made toasters ... It would be a large,
perfectly smooth and seamless black cube. Every morning there
would be a piece of toast on top of it. Their service department
would have an unlisted phone number, and the blueprints for the
box would be highly classified government documents. The X-Files
would have an episode about it.
If Sony made toasters ... The ToastMan, which would be barely
larger than the single piece of bread it is meant to toast, can
be conveniently attached to your belt.
If Fisher Price made toasters ... "Baby's First Toaster" would
have a hand-crank that you turn to toast the bread that pops up
like a Jack-in-the-box.
If the Franklin Mint made toasters ... Every month, you would
receive another lovely hand-crafted piece of your authentic
hand-crafted Civil War pewter toaster.
Three men are golfing. There is Jesus, Moses and an old man.
They've been pretty evenly matched until they arrive at the 11
hole to find a huge water trap. Moses tees up, and smacks that
ball right out into the middle of the trap. Without a second
thought he parts the water, hits the ball and gets it on the
fairway, one stroke from the green.
Then Jesus tees up. He smacks his ball right into the middle of
the water trap. Without a second thought he walks out on the
water, and hits that ball right onto the green.
Finally the old man tees up. He hits the ball into the water
trap. A fish swims up from the bottom of the trap with the
ball in his mouth. An eagle swoops down, picks up the fish and
carries it over the hole, where the fish drops the ball and it
plops into the hole. Jesus looks at the old man as Moses pencils
another 1 in the old man's card. "Alright Dad, stop showing
off"!
There was a man at a gas station, pumping gas into his truck.
While pumping he got gas on his arm. He wiped some of it off,
then forgot about it. He paid for his gas and got in the truck.
As he was driving down the road, he lit up a cigarette, and the
gas on his arm caught on fire. He rolled down the window and was
waving his arm about, when he was pulled over by the cops.
The officer charged him for improper use of firearms.
An attorney went into a bar for a martini and found himself
beside a scruffy-looking drunk who kept mumbling and studying
something in his hand. He leaned closer while the drunk held the
tiny object up to the light, slurring, "Well, it looks plastic."
Then he rolled it between his fingers, adding, "But it feels
like rubber."
Curious, the attorney asked, "What do you have there?"
The drunk replied, "I don't know, but it looks like plastic and
feels like rubber."
The attorney responded, "Let me take a look."
So the drunk handed it over and the lawyer rolled between his
thumb and fingers, then examined it closely by sniffing and
licking it. "Yeah, it does look like plastic and feel like
rubber, has no significant smell or taste, I sure don't know
what it is. Where did you get it?"
The drunk replied, "Out of my nose!"
The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the
class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women
how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to
give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.
The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you.
Walking is especially beneficial. And, Gentlemen, it wouldn't
hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner.!"
The room really got quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the
group raised his hand. "Yes?" replied the teacher.
"Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
If your wife comes out of the kitchen and starts complaining,
what does that mean?
Her chain is too long!
A young Catholic priest decided to enter a monastery. He joined
one particularly strict sect. The head monk told him, at his
indoctrination, that they were sworn to TOTAL silence. They
could not speak one word at all. However, every ten years, they
would be permitted to speak two words.
After 10 years of total silence, the head monk indicated it was
now time for him to speak his two words. The monk said, "Bed
hard!" And then he resumed his silent study and work.
Another 10 years passed and the head monk again indicated it was
time for him to speak his two words. The monk said, "Food bad!"
And then he resumed his silent study and work.
Another 10 years passed and the head monk again indicated it was
time for him to speak his two words. The monk said, "I quit!"
The head monk shook his head and said, "I knew this was coming.
You've done nothing but complain for the past 30 years!" | |
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Posted: 4/13/2008 7:11:16 PM | INTERNET PARKING NOTICE
INTERNET PARKING NOTICE
Offender : You!
Date: Wednesday, March 12, 2003
Offense #4422089 : in front of the computer TOO LONG!
Details of Offense :
During our routine sweep of the Internet we, the Internet Police, have discovered that you have been on your chair in front of the computer TOO LONG!
You are HEREBY ORDERED to clean up that pile of cups, cans, wrappers and papers on your desk (yes, we can see you - sit up straight!) and after you have logged into the real world for a minimum of ten minutes you may log back on to the Internet.
Failure to comply may result in loss of reality, carpal tunnel syndrome, and the requirement of a larger chair. The timer starts NOW! Get off your butt - you'll thank us for it later. | |
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Posted: 4/13/2008 7:13:20 PM | Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple
of bottles of Bud.
The passenger, Bubba, said "lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a poll-ice
roadblock!! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!"
Don't worry, Bubba", Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin'
these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw
the bottles under the seat".
"What fer?", asked Bubba.
"Just let me do the talkin', OK?", said Earl.
Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat,
and each put a label on their forehead. When they reached the roadblock,
the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?"
"No, sir", said Earl. "We're on the patch"!
**********************************************************
There was a beautiful young blonde who was going to a soda machine and she
arrived there just before a business man coming to quench his thirst. She
opened her purse and put in 50 cents, studied the machine a little, pushed
a Diet Coke selection, and out came a Diet Coke which she placed on a
counter by the machine.
Then she reached in her purse again and pulled out a dollar and inserted
it in the machine. Studying the machine carefully, she pushed the button
for Coke Classic and out came a Coke Classic and 50 cents change.
She immediately took the 50 cents and put it in the machine, studied it
for a moment and pushed the Mountain Dew button. Out came a Mountain Dew.
As she was reaching into her purse again, the business man who had been
waiting patiently for several minutes now spoke up.
"Excuse me Ms. but are you done yet?" She looked at him and indignantly
replied: "Well Duhhh!, I'm still winning"
**********************************************************
This is not only philosophical but is obviously pure science.
A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when
the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that
are killed first.
This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the
general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular
culling of the weakest members.
In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the
slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain
cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.
In this way regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker
brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
So that's why you always feel smarter after a few beers!
**********************************************************
The couple were leaving the****ail party, where the husband, slightly
flushed, had been the life of the party.
"John," she said, "did anyone ever tell you how fascinating, how romantic,
and how handsome you are?"
"No," the man replied happily, looking at his wife, "I don't think anyone
ever did?"
"Well," she snapped, "then where did you ever get the idea!!!"
**********************************************************
Mary Simpson was almost crazy with her three kids. She complained to her
best friend, "They're driving me nuts. Such pests, they give me no rest
and I'm half-way to the nut hatch."
"What you need is a playpen to separate the kids from yourself," her
friend said.
So Mary bought a playpen. A few days later, her friend called to ask how
things were going.
"Superb! I can't believe it," Mary said. "I get in that pen with a good
book and the kids don't bother me one bit!"
By the way - Mary is blonde.
**********************************************************
One day a man drove by a farm and saw a three-legged pig. The man went up
to the farmer and said, "Excuse me sir, but why does that pig only have 3
legs?"
"Well," said the farmer, "that there pig is very special. One time my wife
was cooking something and she stepped out of the kitchen and it caught on
fire. No one in the house knew about it but the pig did and he saved me, my
wife, and my 2 kids."
"That's amazing sir but why does that pig only have three legs?" said the
man.
"Then there was that time the pig saw a big storm coming and we didn't.
The pig ran into the house and dragged us out to the storm cellar. If it
weren't for that pig we would all be dead."
"But still, that doesn't explain why the pig only has 3 legs."
"And I remember the time my youngest son was stuck up in a tree but I was
too far away to hear him scream. The pig came running towards me and led
me to where he was."
"Well, that is a miracle but how come that pig only has 3 legs?" the man
said quite annoyed at this point.
"Well," said the farmer, "with a pig that special...
you have to eat'em real slow."
**********************************************************
On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for
their teacher. The florist's son handed the teacher a gift. She shook it,
held it up and said, "I bet I know what it is - it's some flowers!"
"That's right!" shouted the little boy.
Then the candy store owner's daughter handed the teacher a gift. She held
it up, shook it and said. "I bet I know what it is - it's a box of candy!"
"That's right!" shouted the little girl.
The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son, little johnny. The
teacher held it up and saw that it was leaking. She touched a drop with
her finger and tasted it.
"Is it wine?" she asked.
"No," little johnny answered.
The teacher touched another drop to her tongue.
"Is it champagne?" she asked. "No," he answered.
Finally, the teacher said, "I give up. What is it?"
Little johnny replied, "A puppy!"
**********************************************************
Top 20 Sayings We'd Like To See On Those Office Inspirational Posters:
1. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by
killing all those who opposed them.
2. If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you probably
haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.
3. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG
fourteen times gives you job security.
4. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
5. Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.
6. A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat.
7. Plagiarism saves time.
8. If at first you don't succeed, try management.
9. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
10. TEAMWORK...means never having to take all the blame yourself.
11. The beatings will continue until morale improves.
12. Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.
13. We waste time so you don't have to.
14. Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!
15. Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.
16. A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.
17. When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.
18. INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.
19. Succeed in spite of management.
20. Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.
**********************************************************
PLEASE ENGAGE BRAIN BEFORE SPEAKING
Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I
can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with
all those flies and death and stuff.
-- Mariah Carey
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: I would not live forever, because we should not live forever,
because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever,
but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever.
-- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss Universe contest
Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same
reactions in the brain as marijuana.... The researchers also discovered
other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are.
-- Matt Lauer on NBC's Today show, August 22
I haven't committed a crime.
What I did was fail to comply with the law.
-- David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he
failed to pay his taxes.
Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your
life.
-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a
federal anti-smoking campaign.
I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.
-- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in
the country.
-- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC
Beginning in February 1976 your assistance benefits will be
discontinued.... Reason: it has been reported to our office that you
expired on January 1, 1976.
-- Letter from the Illinois Department of Public Aid
The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history... this
century's history.... We all lived in this century. I didn't live in this
century.
-- Dan Quayle, then Indiana senator and Republican vice-presidential
candidate during a news conference in which he was asked his opinion of
the Holocaust.
Rotarians, be patriotic! Learn to shoot yourself.
-- Chicago Rotary Club journal, "Gyrator"
The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who make them
less safe.
-- Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia.
I've always thought that under populated countries in Africa are vastly
under polluted.
-- Lawrence Summers, chief economist of the World Bank, explaining why we
should export toxic wastes to Third World countries.
After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal, the
school board is extremely pleased to announce the appointment of David
Steele to the post.
-- Philip Streifer, Superintendent of Schools, Barrington, Rhode Island.
The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing.
-- Dizzy Dean explaining how he felt after being hit on the head by a ball
in the 1934 World Series.
******************************************************************
A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the
confessional unmanned, he called a rabbi friend up and asked him to cover
for him. The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest
told him to come on over and he'd stay with him and show him what to do.
The rabbi comes and he and the priest are in the confessional.
In a few minutes a woman comes in and says "Father forgive me for I have
sinned."
The priest asks "What did you do?".
The woman says "I Committed adultery."
Priest: "How many times?"
Woman: "Three times."
Priest: "Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more."
A few minutes later another woman enters the confessional. She says
"Father forgive me for I have sinned."
Priest: "What did you do?"
Woman: "I committed adultery."
Priest: "How many times?"
Woman: "Three times."
Priest: "Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more."
The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it so the priest
leaves.
A few minutes later another woman enters and says "Father forgive me for I
have sinned."
Rabbi: "What did you do?"
Woman: "I committed adultery."
Rabbi: "How many times?"
Woman: "Just once."
Rabbi: "Go do it two more times. We have a special this week, three for
$5."
*****************************************************************
 | |
|
| Send me jokes! PLEASE!
Posted: 4/13/2008 7:13:21 PM | A women desperately looking for work goes into Erwin.
The Personnel Manager goes over her resume and explains to her that he regrets he has nothing worthy of her.
The woman answers that she really needs work and will take almost anything.
The Personnel Manager hums and haws and finally says he does have a low skill job on the "Tickle Me Elmo" line and nothing else.
The woman happily accepts.
He takes her down to the line and explains her duties and that she should be in for 8:00 AM the next day.
The next day at 8:45 there's a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The "Tickle Me Elmo" line manager comes in and starts ranting about the woman just hired. After screaming for 15 minutes about how badly backed up the assembly line is the Personnel Manager suggested he show him the problem. Together they head down to the line and sure enough Elmos are backed up from here to kingdom come.
Right at the end of the line is the woman just hired, she is busy with a piece of the material used for the Elmos and has a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric and takes 2 marbles and starts sowing them between Elmo's legs. The personal manager is killing himself laughing and finally after 20 minutes of rolling around he pulls himself together and walks over to the new employee and says:
"I'm sorry I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. What I wanted you to do was give Elmo two test tickles." | |
|
| Send me jokes! PLEASE!
Posted: 4/13/2008 7:14:45 PM | Pat and Mike work at the Guinness Brewery, and one day there's
an accident.
Pat calls Mike's wife, Mary, and says: "Sure, and I hate to be
tellin ya this, but there's been an accident down at the Guinness."
"Saints Preserve us," says she, "is Mike alright?"
Pat responds, "I'd like to tell ya that, but it'd be a lie!"
"Ya don't mean that me Mike's been hurt?" says Mary.
"Sure, an it's worse than that," says Pat, "he's fallen inta the
beer vat and drowned!"
"Oh, well" says Mary, "At least it was quick, ya know he
couldn't swim a lick!"
"Oh, I wish I could be tellin ya that," says Pat, "but it's be a
lie. He got out three times ta pee!"
**********************************************************
Some Thoughts...
If you can start the day without caffeine,
If you can get going without pep pills,
If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your
troubles,
If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give
you any
time,
If you can overlook it when those you love take it out on you
when,
through no fault of yours, something goes wrong,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can ignore a friend's limited education and never correct
him,
If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor
friend,
If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
If you can say honestly that deep in your heart you have no
prejudice
against creed, color, religion or politics....
Then, my friend, you are almost as good as your dog.
**********************************************************
Q: How do you confuse a Polak (polish guy)?
A: Put him in a round room and tell him to pee in the corner.
**********************************************************
An old man died and left his talking parrot to his nephew.
Unfortunately, the old man's language was not the cleanest, and it would
seem that the parrot picked up on this. The nephew did not like this, and
tried to break the parrot of its swearing habit. He tried everything. He
played religious music, he was kind to the bird, he spent long hours
trying to teach it manners. Finally, one day, he became so frustrated, he
threw the parrot into the freezer.
"There," he said. "Maybe he'll cool off in there."
For the first few seconds, the parrot swore a blue streak inside that
freezer. Then, suddenly, the parrot fell silent.
A few moments later, the nephew heard from within the freezer, "If you
would be so kind as to let me out, I promise to rectify my unsavory
vocabulary."
Shocked and surprised, the nephew quickly opened the door and removed the
chilly but sedate bird. Before he could say anything, however, the parrot
spoke.
"If you don't mind, may I ask what the chicken did?"
**********************************************************
A new priest at his frist mass was so nervous he could heardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the
pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass.
If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So the next Sunday the priest took the monsignors advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office he found the following note on the door.
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not get his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ and his apostles as J.C. and the boys.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior,
and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the crap out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say...he
was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T".
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and
eat it, for it is my body." He did not say, "Eat me."
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for
the grub, Yeah! God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not
a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
**********************************************************
MACINTOSH stands for...
Most Applications Crash, If Not, The Operating System Hangs.
**********************************************************
Mr. Perkins, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's junior
college, said during class, "Miss Smythe, would you please name the organ
of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six
times its normal size, and define the conditions."
Miss Smythe gasped, then said freezingly, "Mr. Perkins, I don't think that
is a proper question to ask me. I assure you my parents will hear of
this!" With that she sat down red-faced.
Unperturbed, Mr. Perkins called on Miss Johnson and asked the same
question.
Miss Johnson, with composure, replied, "The pupil of the eye, in dim
light."
"Correct," said Mr. Perkins. "And now, Miss Smythe, I have three things to
say to you.
"One, you have not studied your lesson.
"Two, you have a dirty mind.
"And three, you will some day be faced with a dreadful disappointment."
**********************************************************
Dad, can I ask you something?
Sure! What about?
You see, I'm already fourteen and...I think it's just proper that I should
own one.
And what is this 'one' you're referring to?
Could you buy me a neat set of brassieres?
No!
My nipples are already prominent and it catches attention.
Nope!
It will be just proper at my age...
I said no way...!
But all of my friends wear...
Timmy! How many times do I have to tell you that bras are for girls!?
**********************************************************
A blonde from California decides to try horseback riding, even though she
has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted
and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a
steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.
In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm
grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but
she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along,
seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail
grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety.
Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at
the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the
ground over and over. As her head is battered against the ground, she is
mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune . . . the
Supermarket manager sees her and shuts the horse off.
**********************************************************
3 men where at the FBI Building for a job interview.
The first man walked into the office . The interviewing FBI agent said "To
be in the FBI you must be loyal, dedicated, and give us your all. Your
wife is in the next room. I want you to go in there and shoot her with
this gun." The man took the gun, hesitated, and said "Sorry, I can't do
it."
The next interviewee came into the office. The Agent said "To be in the
FBI you must be loyal, dedicated, and give us your all. Your wife is in
the next room.I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun." The
man took the gun, walked into the room, then walked out. "Sorry," he
said.
The last man came into the office. The inverviewer said "To be in the FBI
you must be loyal, dedicated, and give us your all. Your wife is in the
next room. I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun." The man
took the gun and went into the room. The Agent heard 6 shots, silence,
then a lot of screaming.
The man came out of the room and said "Someone loaded the gun with blanks,
so I beat her to death with the curtain railing!"
********************************************************** | |
|
| Send me jokes! PLEASE!
Posted: 4/13/2008 7:16:02 PM | A woman from New York was getting her affairs in order. She
prepared her will and made her final arraignments. As part of
these arrangements she met with her Rabbi to talk about what
type of funeral service she wanted, etc.
She told her rabbi she had two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her
ashes scattered over Bloomingdales.
"Bloomingdales!" the rabbi said. "Why Bloomingdales?"
"That way, I know my daughters will visit me twice a week."
**********************************************************
Forget the meaning of life...we're stuck on these questions!:
Do pediatricians play minature golf on Wednesdays?
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
If all the world's a stage, where is the audience sitting?
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
If one syncronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown,
too?
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do
it?
If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?
If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
**********************************************************
upon a time, there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided
not to fly south for the winter.
However, soon the weather turned so cold that he reluctantly
started to fly south. In a short time, ice began to form on his wings and
he fell to earth in a barnyard, almost frozen.
A cow passed by and crapped on the little sparrow. The sparrow
thought it was the end. But, the manure warmed him and defrosted his
wings. Warm and happy, able to breathe, he started to sing.
Just then a large cat came by and, hearing the chirping,
investigated the sounds. The cat cleared away the manure,
found the chirping bird and promptly ate him.
The moral of the story:
1. Everyone who craps on you is not necessarily your enemy.
2. Everyone who gets you out of the crap is not necessarily
your friend.
3. And, if you're warm and happy in a pile of crap, keep your
mouth shut.
**********************************************************
How do crazy people get through the forest?
They take the psycho path.
**********************************************************
Any argument that a man and woman are involved in, the woman
gets the last word. Anything a man says afterwards is the
beginning of a new argument.
A man marries a woman, expecting she will never change, and she
does. A woman marries a man expecting he WILL change, and he doesn't.
**********************************************************
Person: Are you a democrat or a republican?
Blonde: Oh, I'm an American.
**********************************************************
What is a country song played backwards?
Your wife gets back with you, your dog comes back to life, your
car starts, you get your job back and life is great.
**********************************************************
A guy walked into a bar and said
"Beers for everyone, even you, Bartender."
But when it was time to pay, the guy didn't have the money, so
the bartender beat him up.
The next day the guy did the same thing, ordered a beer for
everyone, even the bartender, and the bartender beat him
up since the guy couldn't pay.
Then the next day, the guy said "Beers for everyone! But not
you, bartender!"
The bartender said "Why?"
The guy replyed "You're violent when you're drunk!"
********************************************************** | |
|
| Send me jokes! PLEASE!
Posted: 4/13/2008 7:17:45 PM | What did the fish say when it swam into the concrete wall?
"Dam."
**********************************************************
There were once 3 blondes on an island, but they couldn't find a
way off. But while searching, one of them tripped over what
happened to be a magic lamp. Dusting it off, the genie came
out.
"I will grant you each a wish," he said.
"Why not," thought the blondes. "It's worth a try."
"I want to be the world's best swimmer" one said, "so can swim
off of the island". She then jumped in to the ocean and swam
away.
"I want to be a bird" one said, and flew away immediately.
The 3rd, and last one thought for a while. "I want to be a man.
Maybe that would help." She was instantly transformed into a
man, then walked across the bridge to the mainland, where she
joined her two friends.
**********************************************************
Three men were flying on a plane over the jungle when it
crashed. They were the only people who survived. They decided
that starting the next morning one of them would go out and make
weapons and see if he could kill anything.
So the next morning the first man went out. He didn't come back
till about noon. When they saw him they ran to him and helped
him carry the deer back to the plane wreckage. They asked him
how he killed it.
He said "I find tracks...I follow tracks...I kill deer."
So the next morning the second guy set out. He too came back at
noon. When they saw him they ran to him and helped him carry the
buffalo he had killed back to the plane wreckage. They asked him
how he had killed it.
He said "I find tracks...I follow tracks...I kill buffalo."
The next morning the third guy went out. The other two were
watching and watching for him. When it was almost sundown and he
still hadn't returned they started getting worried. Then they
saw a person stumbling towards them he looked awful, really bad
cuts and a broken arm. They went and helped him to the fire they
had made and asked him what had happened.
He said "I find tracks...I follow tracks...and...I got hit by a
train."
**********************************************************
A lady walks into a restaraunt and orders the blue plate
special. It's the chicken. She's eating for about 5 minutes, and
suddenly she starts choking on a bone.
Two hillbillies at the next table decided to help. One of them
had an idea and wispered it to the other.
After agreeing to what the other one had wispered, one of them
pulled down their pants and bends over. The other hillbillie
started licking his butt, and almost immediately, the woman
throws up spitting out the bone.
The two hilbillies high-five each other, and one says to the
other -
"I told you that hind-lick manuever would work!!!"
**********************************************************
It's time to turn off your computer when...
...you wake up at 3 am to go to the bathroom, but stop to check
your email first.
...you name your children Eudora, Aol, and Dotcom.
...you turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling as
if you pulled the plug on a loved-one.
...you spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your
lap, and your child in the overhead compartment.
...you decide to stay in college for an additional year or two,
just for the free internet access.
...you laugh at people with 14.4 baud modems.
...you start using smileys in your snail mail (if you even
remember what that is).
...you find yourself typing "com" after every period when using
a word processor.com
...you refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
...you can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem.
...you check your mail. It says "no new messages". So you check
it again.
...you don't know what gender your three closest friends are
because they have neutral screen-names, and you never bothered
to ask.
...you move into a new house and decide to netscape before you
landscape.
...you tell the cab driver to take you to
http://1000.edison.garden/house/brick.html.
...you start tilting your head sideways to smile.
**********************************************************
How do you make a tissue dance?
Put some boogie in it! | |
|
| Send me jokes! PLEASE!
Posted: 4/13/2008 7:19:12 PM | A bronzed, blonde male surfer type was visiting Boston to attend
a friend's wedding. Sitting at the bar at the reception, sucking
up his fourth beer, he caught sight of a stunning brunette, whom
he had noticed earlier in the church, as she came through the
door. His eyes never left her until she was seated on the other
side of the bar from him.
He got up, slowly walked around the bar to where she was
sitting. After pausing on his approach for her to look over his
magnificent tanned body, he recited one of his better lines and
then bluntly asked if she wanted to 'leave this dump' and go to
his hotel room to "Ya know, get to, like, know each other
better."
She rolled her eyes in disbelief, immediately responding with,
"I'm afraid that my awareness of your proclivities regarding the
esoteric aspects of sexual behavior precludes any such erotic
confrontation."
He stared blankly at her, somewhat stunned. After several
seconds of embarassed silence, he finaly admitted, "Huh? I don't
get it!"
"Exactly!" she said as she got up, turned on her heel, and left,
leaving him standing there in puzzlement.
**********************************************************
Veteran Pillsbury spokesman, Pop N. Fresh, died yesterday of a
severe yeast infection. He was 71. Known to friends as
"Brown-n-Serve," Fresh was an avid gardener and tennis player.
Fresh was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in
recent years.
Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, the
California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Aunt Jemima, Betty Crocker, the
Hostess Twinkies, and Skippy.
The graveside was piled high with flours as longtime friend,
Aunt Jemima, delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who
"never knew how much he was kneaded."
Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was
filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart
cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes --
conned by those who buttered him up. Still, even as a crusty old
man, he was a roll model for millions. He enjoyed being prodded
by his many friends who invariably poked fun at him.
Fresh is survived by his second wife. They have two children
and another bun in the oven.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
**********************************************************
If a Blonde and a Brunette jump off a cliff at the same time,
which one gets to the ground first?
Answer: The brunette... the blonde has to stop and ask for
directions!
**********************************************************
There is no such thing as child-proofing your house
If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with
roller blades, they can ignite
A 4 years-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded
restaurant
If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not
strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy
underwear and a superman cape
It is strong enough however to spread paint on all four walls of
a 20 by 20 foot room
Baseballs make marks on ceilings.
You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.
When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball
up a few times before you get a hit.
A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball
hit by a ceiling fan.
When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh;" it's
already too late.
Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a
36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies
A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.
If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes
it does not leak - it explodes.
A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot
house 4 inches deep.
Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old
Duplos will not.
Play-Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same
sentence.
Super glue is forever.
McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know. Ditto
Tarzan.
No matter how much Jello you put in a swimming pool you still
can't walk on water.
Pool filters do not like Jello.
VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials
show they do.
Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
Always look in the oven before you turn it on.
Plastic toys do not like ovens.
Your fire department has at least a 5 minute response time.
The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms
dizzy. It will however make cats dizzy.
Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
Quiet does not necessarily mean don't worry.
A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in
life (unfortunately, mostly in retrospect)
2:00 AM is not a good time to hear, "Daddy, diapers don't
flush!"
No time is a good time to hear, "Daddy, your tires are
'hisssssing.'
You never want to hear, "Watch me fly!" coming from the roof
Nor do you want to hear, "Your new cell phone doesn't work
underwater."
Driveway seal coating and children DO NOT MIX!
Never light fireworks inside.
Under the bed is not a good place to save snowballs for
summer.
Daddy's shoe is not a good home for a pet tarantula.
Hiding uneaten vegetables in daddy's shoes is not good.
Bugs are not a dietary supplement.
Walnuts make the blender act funny.
Scissors and hair are often a dangerous combination.
Collecting things is good.
Collecting things that come out of your nose is not.
Eating string is a bad hobby.
Discovering string the next day is a disgusting hobby.
Finger painting is good.
Finger painting walls is dangerous.
If you hear the words, "Can ya eat a lizard's tail?"
It's too late!
If you hear the words, "Guess what's in my hands."
You don't want to know.
If you hear the words, "Guess what's in my mouth."
You REALLY don't want to know!
'Fan' and 'flour' should never be heard in the same sentence.
The toilet does not make a permanent fish aquarium.
Most toilets can not consume an entire roll of toilet paper
without choking.
Any sentence which contains the word 'Oooops' is bad.
Any sentence beginning with, "How much do you love me?"
means 'prepare for bad news'
Throwing daddy's wallet in the trash compactor can change his
mood.
Opening all 24 of daddy's cans of beer is a bad idea.
Hiding parts of daddy's computer can make your butt hurt.
Lipstick on the TV screen changes mommy's mood.
Fish can not use a remote control, even if placed in their
tank.
"Why do fish float?" means trouble.
Any sentence beginning with, "When [your pet's name] dies..."
is never a good sign.
Setting the hamsters free changes the cat's mood.
Cats do not like to be wrapped in duct tape.
Cats get even.
**********************************************************
Q. How many bouncers does it take to throw someone down the
stairs?
A. None! He fell. Really, he fell.
**********************************************************
Signs of PMS
She stops reading Glamour and starts reading Guns and Ammo.
She considers chocolate a major FDA food group.
She puts on one of those pads with "wings," then flies off the
roof laughing hysterically while riding a broom.
She's developed a new talent for spinning her head around in 360
degree circles.
She retains more water than Lake Superior.
She denies she's in a bad mood as she pops a clip into her
semiautomatic and "chambers one."
She buys you a new T-shirt-----with a bulls-eye on the front.
You ask her to please pass the salt at the dinner table and she
says,"All I ever do is give, give, give! AM I SUPPOSED TO DO
EVERYTHING?"
She enrolls in the Lizzie Borden School of Charm.
She orders 3 Big Macs, 4 large fries, a bucket of Chicken
McNuggets, and then mauls the manager because they're out of
Diet Coke.
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Be nice to your kids... they will pick out your nursing home
someday!
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What did the baby chick say to his mummy when she laid an
Orange?
" Look what Marma-Lade!! " | |
|
| Send me jokes! PLEASE!
Posted: 4/13/2008 7:21:32 PM | What did the bird say when his cage fell apart?
Answer: Cheep-Cheap
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God and Moses were out golfing. They were both doing well. Then
they came up to the 5th hole.
It was a dogleg to the left, with a lake to the right. Moses got
up and hit a long shot with a little hook. Right in the middle
of the fairway. Then God got up and pulled out his driver.
Then Moses said,"God, everytime you use you driver you always
slice it."
So God said, "If Arnold Palmer can do it, I can do it." So he
approched the ball. Got ready, then hit a long one. It drifted
to the right, SPLISH! Right in the middle of the lake.
So Moses said, "See God, I told you that would happen. I'll get
it this time but you'll have to get it next time." So Moses went
out to the lake, held up his club, and parted the lake. Then he
went down, picked up the ball, and came back. After that,
everything was going fine.
Until the 18th hole, straight away, with a long lake on the
right. Moses hit a nice straight shot down the fairway. Then God
took out his driver.
Moses said, "God, last time you used your driver you sliced it.
You always slice it."
And God repeated, "If Arnold Palmer can do it, I can do it." So
he got up, and hit the ball. Long hard shot, sliced, PLUNK!
Moses said, "I got the last one." So God walked on the water,
bent over, picked up the ball. About this time there was a
foursome coming up behind them. One if the guys saw what God was
doing and asked Moses, "Who does that guy think he is, Jesus?"
Moses replied, "No. He thinks he's Arnold Palmer."
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2 people walk into a bar. The third one ducked.
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Why is 6 scared of 7 ?
Because 7 ate nine!
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A foreman at a construction site gathers three of his workers:
an Irishman, an Italian and a Chinese.
He says to the Irishman, "you're in charge of Sweeping,I want
this whole area swept up before I get back".
He says to the Italian, "You're in charge of shoveling. I want
that pile shoveled into the truck so they can haul it away."
He says to the Chinaman, "You're in charge of supplies. No make
sure that all gets done before I get back."
Three hours later, he returns and none of the work is done. The
Irishman says, "I couldnt find a broom. You left the Chinaman in
charge of supplies and he disappeared." The Italian says "And I
couldn't find a shovel".
So the forman starts walking and looking for the chinaman. Just
then,the Chinaman jumps out from behind a pillar and screams
"SUPPLIES!!"
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How do you double the value of a Ford Pinto?
Fill the gas tank!
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Illiterate? No problem!
Write for free advice.
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One night when a boy prayed to god, the boy asked god:
How Long is 1 million years to you?
God replies 1 second.
The Boy asked God:
How much is 1 million dollars to you?
God replies 1 penny.
Then the boy asked god if he could have a penny.
God replies...sure, "gimme 1 second".
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YESTERDAY
---------------
Yesterday,
All those backups seemed a waste of pay.
Now my database has gone away.
Oh I believe in yesterday.
Suddenly,
There's not half the files there used to be,
And there's a milestone
hanging over me
The system crashed so suddenly.
I pushed something wrong
What it was I could not say.
Now all my data's gone
and I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay.
Yesterd |
| |
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