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| Send me jokes! PLEASE!
Posted: 4/13/2008 7:26:22 PM | Life Will Not Be Like Star Trek
-----------------------------------------
There are so many Star Trek(tm) spin-offs that it is easy to
fool yourself into thinking that the Star Trek vision is an
accurate vision of the future. Sadly, Star Trek does not take
into account the stupidity, selfishness, and horniness of the
average human being. Allow me to describe some of the more
obvious errors in the Star Trek vision.
Medical Technology
------------------------
On Star Trek, the doctors have handheld devices that instantly
close any openings in the skin. Imagine that sort of device in
the hands of your unscrupulous friends. They would sneak up
behind you and seal your ass shut as a practical joke. The
devices would be sold in novelty stores instead of medical
outlets. All things considered, I'm happy that it's not easy
to close other people's orifices.
Transporter
--------------
It would be great to be able to beam your molecules across space
and then reassemble them. The only problem is that you have to
trust your co-worker to operate the transporter. These are the
same people who
won't add paper to the photocopier or make a new pot of coffee
after taking the last drop. I don't think they'll be
double-checking the transporter coordinates. They'll be
accidentally beaming people into
walls, pets, and furniture. People will spend all their time
apologizing for having inanimate objects protruding from parts
of their bodies.
'Pay no attention to the knickknacks; I got beamed into a hutch
yesterday.'
If I could beam things from one place to another, I'd never
leave the house. I'd sit in a big comfy chair and just start
beaming groceries, stereo equipment, cheerleaders, and anything
else I wanted right into my house. I'm fairly certain I would
abuse this power. If anybody came to arrest me, I'd beam them
into space. If I wanted some paintings for my walls, I'd beam
the contents of the Louvre over to my place, pick out the good
stuff, and beam the rest into my neighbor's garage.
If I were watching the news on television and didn't like what I
heard, I would beam the anchorman into my living room during the
commercial break, give him a vicious wedgie, and beam him back
before anybody noticed. I'd never worry about 'keeping up with
the Joneses,' because as soon as they got something nice, it
would disappear right out of their hands. My neighbors would
have to use milk crates for furniture. And that's only after I
had all the milk crates I would ever need for the rest of my
life. There's only one thing that could keep me from spending
all my time wreaking havoc with the transporter: the holodeck.
Holodeck
----------
For those of you who only watched the 'old' Star Trek, the
holodeck can create simulated worlds that look and feel just
like the real thing. The characters on Star Trek use the
holodeck for recreation during breaks from work. This is
somewhat unrealistic. If I had a holodeck, I'd close the door
and never come out until I died of exhaustion. It would be hard
to convince me I should be anywhere but in the holodeck, getting
my oil massage from Cindy Crawford and her simulated twin
sister.
Holodecks would be very addicting. If there weren't enough
holodecks to go around, I'd get the names of all the people who
had reservations ahead of me and beam them into concrete walls.
I'd feel tense about it, but that's exactly why I'd need a
massage.
I'm afraid the holodeck will be society's last invention.
Sex with Aliens
--------------------
According to Star Trek, there are many alien races populated
with creatures who would like to have sex with humans. This
would open up a lot of anatomical possibilities, but imagine the
confusion. It's hard enough to have sex with human beings, much
less humanoids. One wrong move and you're suddenly transported
naked to the Gamma Quadrant to stand trial for who-knows-what.
This could only add to performance anxiety. You would never be
quite sure what moves would be sensual and what moves would be a
galactic-sized mistake.
Me Trying to Have Sex with an Alien
----------------------------------------------
Me: May I touch that?
Alien: That is not an erogenous zone. It is a separate
corporeal being that has been attached to my body for six
hundred years.
Me: It's cute. I wonder if it would let me have sex with
it.
Alien: That's exactly what I said six hundred years ago.
The best part about having sex with aliens, according to the
Star Trek model, is that the alien always dies a tragic death
soon afterward. I don't have to tell you how many problems that
would solve. Realistically, the future won't be that
convenient.
Phasers
---------
I would love to have a device that would stun people into
unconsciousness without killing them. I would use it ten times a
day. If I got bad service at the convenience store, I'd zap the
clerk. If somebody with big hair sat in front of me at the
theater, zap!
On Star Trek, there are no penalties for stunning people with
phasers. It happens all the time. All you have to do is claim
you were possessed by an alien entity. Apparently, that is
viewed as a credible defense in the Star Trek future. Imagine
real criminals in a world where the 'alien possession' defense
is credible.
Criminal: Yes, officer, I did steal that vehicle, and I did
kill the occupants, but I was possessed by an evil alien
entity.
Officer: Well, okay. Move along.
I wish I had a phaser right now. My neighbor's dog likes to
stand under my bedroom window on the other side of the fence and
bark for hours at a time. My neighbor has employed the bold
defense that he believes it might be another neighbor's dog,
despite the fact that I am standing there looking at him barking
only twenty feet away. In a situation like this, a phaser is
really the best approach. I could squeeze off a clean shot
through the willow tree. A phaser doesn't make much noise, so it
wouldn't disturb anyone. Then the unhappy little dog and I could
both get some sleep. If the neighbor complains, I'll explain
that the phaser was fired by the other neighbor's dog, a known
troublemaker who is said to be invisible. And if that doesn't
work, a photon torpedo is clearly indicated.
Cyborgs
---------
Given the choice, I would rather be a cyborg instead of 100
percent human. I like the thought of technology becoming part of
my body. As a human, I am constantly running to the toolbox in
my garage to get a tool to deal with some new household
malfunction. If I were a cyborg, I might have an electric drill
on my arm, plus a metric socket set. That would save a lot of
trips. From what I've seen, the cyborg concept is a modular
design, so you can add whatever tools you think you'd use
most.
I'd love to see crosshairs appear in my viewfinder every time I
looked at someone. It would make me feel menacing, and I'd like
that. I'd program myself so that anytime I saw a car salesman, a
little message would appear in my viewfinder that said 'Target
Locked On.'
It would also be great to have my computer built into my skull.
That way I could surf the Net during useless periods of life,
such as when people talk to me. All I'd have to do is initiate a
head-nodding subroutine during boring conversations and I could
amuse myself in my head all day long.
I think that if anyone could become a cyborg, there would be a
huge rush of people getting in line for the conversion. Kids
would like it for the look. Adults would like it for its
utility. Cyborg technology has something for everyone. So,
unlike Star Trek, I can imagine everyone wanting to be a
cyborg.
The only downside I can see is that when the human part dies and
you're at the funeral, the cyborg part will try to claw its way
out of the casket and slay all the mourners. But that risk can
be minimized by saying you have an important business meeting,
so you can't make it to the service.
Shields
---------
I wish I had an invisible force field. I'd use it all the time,
especially around people who spit when they talk or get too
close to my personal space. In fact, I'd probably need a shield
quite a bit if I also had a phaser to play with.
I wouldn't need a big shield system like the one they use to
protect the Enterprise, maybe just a belt-clip device for
personal use. I could insult dangerous people without fear of
retribution. Whatever crumbs of personality I now have would be
completely unnecessary in the future. On the plus side, it would
make shopping much more fun.
Shopping with Shields Up
--------------------------------
Me: Ring this up for me, you unpleasant cretin.
Saleswoman: I oughta slug you!
Me: Try it. My shields are up.
Saleswoman: Damn!
Me: There's nothing you can do to harm me.
Saleswoman: I guess you're right. Would you like to open a
charge account? Our interest rates are very reasonable.
Me: Nice try.
Long-Range Sensors
------------------------
If people had long-range sensors, they would rarely use them to
scan for new signs of life. I think they would use them to avoid
work. You could run a continuous scan for your boss and then
quickly transport yourself out of the area when he came near. If
your manager died in his office, you would know minutes before
the authorities discovered him, and that means extra break
time.
Vulcan Death Grip
----------------------
Before all you Trekkies write to correct me, I know there is no
such thing as a Vulcan Death Grip even in Star Trek. But I wish
there were. That would have come in handy many times. It would
be easy to make the Vulcan Death Grip look like an accident.
'I was just straightening his collar and he collapsed.'
I think the only thing that keeps most people from randomly
killing other citizens is the bloody mess it makes and the high
likelihood of getting caught. With the Vulcan Death Grip, it
would be clean and virtually undetectable. Everybody would be
killing people left and right. You wouldn't be able to have a
decent conversation at the office over the sound of dead
co-workers hitting the carpet. The most common sounds in
corporate America would be, 'I'm sorry I couldn't give you a
bigger raise, but ...
********************************************************** | |
|
| Send me jokes! PLEASE!
Posted: 4/13/2008 7:28:31 PM | As you may already know, THE DARWIN AWARDS are bestowed every
year upon (the remains of) that individual, who through
single-minded self-sacrifice, has done the most to remove
undesirable elements from the human gene pool.
And now, for this year's illustrious winner(s):.. drum roll...
John Pernicky and friend Sal Hawkins, of the great state of
Washington, decided to attend a local Metallica concert at the
Amphitheater at Gorge, Washington. Having no tickets (but 18
beers among them) they sat in the parking lot, and after
finishing the beer, decided that it would be easy enough to hop
over the nine-foot high fence and sneak into the show.
The two friends pulled their pickup truck over to the fence and
the plan was for John--100 pounds heavier than Sal-to hop over,
and then assist his friend over the fence. Unfortunately for
John, there was a 30 foot drop on the other side of the fence.
Having heaved himself over, he found himself crashing through a
tree. His fall was abruptly halted by a large branch which
snagged him by his shorts.
Dangling from the tree, with one arm broken, John looked down
and saw a group of bushes below him. Figuring the bushes would
break his fall, John removed his pocket knife and proceeded to
cut away his shorts to free himself from the tree. When finally
free, John crashed below into Holly bushes. The sharp leaves
scratched his entire body and now being without his shorts, he
was the unwilling victim of a holly branch penetrating his
rectal cavity. To make matters worse, his pocket knife proceeded
to fall with him and landed three inches into his left thigh.
Seeing his friend in considerable pain and agony, Sal decided to
throw him a rope and pull him to safety. However, weighing about
100 pounds less, he decided the best course of action would be
to tie the rope to the pickup truck. This is when things went
from bad to worse. In his drunken state, Sal put the truck into
the wrong gear, pressed on the gas, and crashed through the
fence, landing on and killing his friend. Sal was thrown from
the truck, suffered massive internal injuries and also died at
the scene.
Police arrived to find a pickup truck with its driver thrown 100
feet from the vehicle and upon moving the truck, a half naked
man, with numerous scratches, a holly stick up his rectum, a
knife in his thigh, and a pair of shorts dangling from the tree
branches 25 feet in the air.
**********************************************************
President Yeltsin, President Clinton and Bill Gates are invited
to have dinner with God. During dinner He tells them: "I needed
three important people to send my message out to all the people:
Tomorrow I will destroy the Earth."
Yeltsin immediately calls together his cabinet and announces: "I
have two really bad news items. God really exists, and tomorrow
he will destroy the earth."
Clinton calls an emergency meeting of congress and announces: "I
have good news and bad news. The good news is God really does
exist; the bad news is tomorrow he's destroying the Earth."
Gates goes back to Microsoft and tells his employees: "I have
two pieces of great news. First, I am one of the three most
important people on earth, and second, I think I've got the Y2K
problem fixed."
**********************************************************
Once, there were three guys stranded on an island, and the
mainland was 100 miles away.
The first guy swam 25 miles, and drowned.
The second guy swam 50 miles, and drowned.
The third guy swam 99 miles, and said,"I'm tired. I think I'll
swim back."
**********************************************************
What's the difference between an English Sheepherder and Mick
Jagger?
Mick Jagger sings "Hey, Hey, you, you , get off of my cloud."
An English sheepherder says: "Hey, Hey MacCloud! Get off of my
ewe!"
**********************************************************
A new neigbour arrives. The kids meet.
The local kid:
"My mom was born in California!
Where was your mom born?"
The other kid answers, "Alaska".
The first one replies:
"Gee, then don't worry about it... I'll ask'er myself!"
**********************************************************
There were three men. Joe, Rich, and Scott.
They were all camping in the woods, and they knew they had to
stop for the night. Joe suggested they stop where they were
right there, a nice clear, wooded area. Rich agreed, but Scott
disagreed, because there was nothing interesting around, only
trees.
They kept hiking for a little longer, and came across a small
clear area, right next to the highway. Both Joe and Rich wanted
to saty there because there was no stumps, or moss around, and
the sounds of the cars could help to put them asleep. Scott said
no, because he found a small ant farm 500 meters away, and was
scared the ants might come, and get them.
SO they kept hiking, and finally, they came to the end of the
woods, and stepped onto the highway. Scott was mystified, and
wanted to sleep right smack dab in the middle of the highway. It
was interesting, and he wanted to look at all the different
liscence plates, as they drove by. Joe and Rich were so upset,
because, obviously, that was the LAST place that they wanted to
sleep in! But, they were too tired to argue, so they set up
their tent in the middle of the highway and went to sleep.
They slept soundly through the night, but were awaked a couple
of times by the sound of cars beeping, and crashing. The next
morning, they awoke early, and noticed a huge pileup of cars
right off the highway, in the spot they had earlier chosen.
Feeling proud, Scott said:
"See, guys? Imagine what would of happened if we slept there
last night!"
**********************************************************
There was a beautiful young blonde who was going to a soda machine
and she arrived there just before a business man coming to quench
his thirst. She opened her purse and put in 50 cents, studied the
machine a little, pushed a Diet Coke selection, and out came a Diet
Coke which she placed on a counter by the machine.
Then she reached in her purse again and pulled out a dollar and
inserted it in the machine. Studying the machine carefully, she
pushed the button for Coke Classic and out came a Coke Classic and
50 cents change.
She immediately took the 50 cents and put it in the machine, studied
it for a moment and pushed the Mountain Dew button. Out came a
Mountain Dew. As she was reaching into her purse again, the business
man who had been waiting patiently for several minutes now spoke
up.
"Excuse me Ms. but are you done yet?" She looked at him and
indignantly replied: "Well Duhhh!, I'm still winning"
********************************************************** | |
|
| Send me jokes! PLEASE!
Posted: 4/13/2008 7:30:07 PM | Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person
asked a young engineer fresh out of MIT, "What starting salary
were you looking for?"
The engineer replied, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year,
depending on the benefits package."
The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of
5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental,
company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company
car leased every 2 years -- say, a red Corvette?"
The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"
The interviewer replied, "Well Yeah, but you started it."
**********************************************************
What the difference between a brunette and the trash?
The trash gets taken out once a week!
**********************************************************
One Day The President was out jogging without his guards.
All of a sudden a man with a ski mask jumped out from behind
some bushes with a gun.
The masked man said "Give me all your money!"
Unwilling to do so, the President said, "You can't do this, I'm
the President!" The man then replied,...
"Oh, never mind then. Give me MY money!"
**********************************************************
A group of bats, hanging at the ceiling of a cave, discovers a
single bat STANDING upright underneath on the floor of the cave.
Surprised by this unusual behavior, they ask this fellow: "What
the heck are you doing down there?"
And the fellow shouts back: "Yoga!"
**********************************************************
My wife's gone to the West Indies.
J'ya make'er?
No, Barbados.
**********************************************************
Q.) How Many****oaches does it take to turn on a light?
A.) No one knows...when the light comes on they all scatter!
**********************************************************
There were 4 monkeys in a tree.
Why did the first monkey fall out of the tree?
- It died.
Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?
- It was tied on to the first monkey.
Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree?
- It got hit by the first two.
Why did the fourth monkey fall out of the tree?
- Peer pressure.
**********************************************************
A long time ago, way back then...we used to spell Canada,
Cnd.
Why? you ask. Well it's really simple...
It's because we forgot the eh?
********************************************************** | |
|
| Send me jokes! PLEASE!
Posted: 4/13/2008 7:32:03 PM | Q: How many Bill Gates does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One - he puts it in the socket and lets the world revolve
around him.
One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial
airliner are seated, waiting for the****it crew to show
up so they can get underway.
The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane,
and begin walking up to the****it through the center aisle.
Both appear to be blind.
The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right
and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the copilot is using
a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge
sunglasses.
At first the passengers do not react; thinking that it must be
some sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the
engines start revving and the airplane starts moving down the
runway.
The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness,
whispering among themselves and looking desperately to the
stewardesses for reassurance.
Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin
panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets
closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming
more and more hysterical.
Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left,
there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone
screams at once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts
off and is airborne.
Up in the****it, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and
turns to the pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers
aren't going to scream, and we're gonna get killed!
A swedish man was bored. He was bored with his work, bored with
his life in general. He felt as there was nothing waiting for
him in this life...
...until one day, at the breakfast table, he was reading the
morning paper, when he saw an article, which would change his
life. It said: " ...Scientist's had found out, that somewhere in
Africa, one could still find tribes of genuine cavemen,
untouched by civilization. Only thing needed was to find the
correct cave and shout "Wohoo!!" and the tribe would answer to
this call."
"This is it!" the swede thought. "This is what I've been waiting
for! I'll sell everything I own, go to Africa, find these
cavemen, and become rich and famous!"
And so he did. He sells everything, moves to Africa and starts
looking for the tribe. But cave after cave after cave, no
answer. No cavemen.
Until one day, yet another cave, and another yell: "Juhuuu!!"
And then he heard it! " WWOOOOUU WOOOOOO !!!! "
"Härregud!" The Swede thought, "A whole tribe!" And just as he
was starting to run to the cave, he thought: "Now wait a minute.
These are cavemen. They don't wear any clothes, and I might
scare then off."
So he stripped his clothes off quickly, and started to run into
the cave.
And the following day, he was in the headlines all over the
world: "Naked Swede run over by a train in Africa"
Ever hear about the blonde coyote who got a leg stuck in a trap?
She chewed off three legs and was still stuck!
A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo,
and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones
at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is
good for the herd as a whole because the general speed and
health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular culling
of the weakest members.
In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as
the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all
know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest
and weakest brain cells first.
In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker
brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.
An American, an Australian and an Irishman were stranded on an
island for several days. One day a bottle washed ashore and when
they picked it up, a genie rushed out.
Oh masters, he said. For releasing me from this bottle you will
each have one wish.
The American said: I wish to be surrounded by a bevy of
beautiful girls in Waikiki beach. Whoosh, the American was gone
to Hawaii.
The Australian said: I wish to be in a casino in the Australian
Gold Coast. Whoosh, and off he went.
The Irishman could not decide what he wanted. After a long time,
he said: Gee, it's very lonely here on this island. I wish my
friends were back here!
Who did the dyslexic satanist worship?
Santa.
A motorist pulls up to the gas pumps and says "fill it up,
please". The Attendant notices that the front and back seats of
the car are occupied by penguins.
"Hey Buddy" says the attendant to the driver, "These birds can't
be happy like this...they're wild animals, you should take them
to a zoo or something.."
The motorist agrees to do so.
The next day the guy drives into the filling station and once
more the attendant sees the penquins installed in the front and
back seats, and they are all wearing sunglasses and holding
towels...
"What's this?" he says to the driver, "I thought you agreed to
take these birds to the zoo?"
The driver says "I did...and they had such a great time that
today I'm taking them to the beach."
Q: How many Bill Gates does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One - he puts it in the socket and lets the world revolve
around him.
One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial
airliner are seated, waiting for the****it crew to show
up so they can get underway.
The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane,
and begin walking up to the****it through the center aisle.
Both appear to be blind.
The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right
and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the copilot is using
a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge
sunglasses.
At first the passengers do not react; thinking that it must be
some sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the
engines start revving and the airplane starts moving down the
runway.
The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness,
whispering among themselves and looking desperately to the
stewardesses for reassurance.
Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin
panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets
closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming
more and more hysterical.
Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left,
there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone
screams at once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts
off and is airborne.
Up in the****it, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and
turns to the pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers
aren't going to scream, and we're gonna get killed!
A swedish man was bored. He was bored with his work, bored with
his life in general. He felt as there was nothing waiting for
him in this life...
...until one day, at the breakfast table, he was reading the
morning paper, when he saw an article, which would change his
life. It said: " ...Scientist's had found out, that somewhere in
Africa, one could still find tribes of genuine cavemen,
untouched by civilization. Only thing needed was to find the
correct cave and shout "Wohoo!!" and the tribe would answer to
this call."
"This is it!" the swede thought. "This is what I've been waiting
for! I'll sell everything I own, go to Africa, find these
cavemen, and become rich and famous!"
And so he did. He sells everything, moves to Africa and starts
looking for the tribe. But cave after cave after cave, no
answer. No cavemen.
Until one day, yet another cave, and another yell: "Juhuuu!!"
And then he heard it! " WWOOOOUU WOOOOOO !!!! "
"Härregud!" The Swede thought, "A whole tribe!" And just as he
was starting to run to the cave, he thought: "Now wait a minute.
These are cavemen. They don't wear any clothes, and I might
scare then off."
So he stripped his clothes off quickly, and started to run into
the cave.
And the following day, he was in the headlines all over the
world: "Naked Swede run over by a train in Africa"
Ever hear about the blonde coyote who got a leg stuck in a trap?
She chewed off three legs and was still stuck!
A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo,
and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones
at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is
good for the herd as a whole because the general speed and
health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular culling
of the weakest members.
In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as
the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all
know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest
and weakest brain cells first.
In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker
brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.
An American, an Australian and an Irishman were stranded on an
island for several days. One day a bottle washed ashore and when
they picked it up, a genie rushed out.
Oh masters, he said. For releasing me from this bottle you will
each have one wish.
The American said: I wish to be surrounded by a bevy of
beautiful girls in Waikiki beach. Whoosh, the American was gone
to Hawaii.
The Australian said: I wish to be in a casino in the Australian
Gold Coast. Whoosh, and off he went.
The Irishman could not decide what he wanted. After a long time,
he said: Gee, it's very lonely here on this island. I wish my
friends were back here!
Who did the dyslexic satanist worship?
Santa.
A motorist pulls up to the gas pumps and says "fill it up,
please". The Attendant notices that the front and back seats of
the car are occupied by penguins.
"Hey Buddy" says the attendant to the driver, "These birds can't
be happy like this...they're wild animals, you should take them
to a zoo or something.."
The motorist agrees to do so.
The next day the guy drives into the filling station and once
more the attendant sees the penquins installed in the front and
back seats, and they are all wearing sunglasses and holding
towels...
"What's this?" he says to the driver, "I thought you agreed to
take these birds to the zoo?"
The driver says "I did...and they had such a great time that
today I'm taking them to the beach." | |
|
| Send me jokes! PLEASE!
Posted: 4/13/2008 7:33:20 PM | Q: Why are fish in the sea smarter than animals on land.
A: Because they travel in schools.
Q: What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
A: A stick!
A professor of a Freshman Psychology course had a class of 400
students. His final exam was scheduled very early for 8am-10am.
The professor told his students that his final was not a
cumulative final and just covered the information since the last
midterm, so in essence, the final was just like a midterm and
would only require 1 hour of the 2 hour alloted time. The
professor told the students to bring a large Blue Book (fyi: a
Blue Book is a standard testing tool used throughout many
universities. It's basically a thin 10 blank pages of college
ruled notebook paper with a blue cover.) The professor was adament
that the students were only going to have 1 hour and not one minute more
to complete the essay style exam.
The students requested the exam to begin at 9am instead of 8am
since they only had an hour. The professor denied the request
because the professor preferred to use the second hour to begin
grading the exams. The students moaned at the idea of waking up
early.
On the morning of the exam, the test began at 8:10. At 8:35, a
student walked in and picked up the test questions from the
professor. The professor told the student he wouldn't have
enough time to complete the test. The student replied "Yes I
will."
At 9:10, the professor stopped the test and all the students
turned in their blue books as they exited the room. The late
student continued to write. The professor began grading some the
exams.
At 9:35, the student walked up to the desk to hand in his exam,
and the professor told him it was unacceptable. The student in a
surprised manner asked the professor, "Do you know who I am?"
The professor replied, "No, and I don't care."
The student said, "Good," and he stuffed his exam in the middle
of the stack of 300 blue books. "Have a nice Summer" said the
student as he left the room.
Why did the little girl bury her flashlight?
Because the batteries died.
It seems a farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon-load of
corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise.
"Hey Willis!!" the farmer yelled. "Forget your troubles. Come in
with us. Then I'll help you get the wagon up."
"That's mighty nice of you, " Willis answered, "but I don't
think Pa would like me to."
"Aw, come on," the farmer insisted.
"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "but Pa won't
like it."
After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot
better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset."
"Don't be foolish !" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the
way, where is he?"
"Under the wagon!"
There were three men sitting on a bench. Man1 asked the other
two:
"What do you want your family and friends to say at your
funeral?".
Man2 says, "I guess I'd want them to say I was a nice guy and I
took care of my family".
Man3 says, "I'd want them to say things like that too".
Man1 said "Really? I'd want them to say... LOOK! HE'S
MOVING!".
What do you call four bullfighters in quicksand?
Quattro sinko.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says...
"Why the long face?" | |
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Posted: 4/13/2008 7:35:21 PM | -What makes Britain so strong?
-It´s the two-party system. One big party on every friday and
another big party on every saturday
Q. If you're American in the kitchen, what are you in the
bathroom?
A. European.
Miss Bee was in her 80s, and much admired for her sweetness and
kindness to all.
The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in spring,
and she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. She invited him
to have a seat while she prepared a little tea. As he sat facing
her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl
sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the water floated,
of all things, a condom. Imagine his shock and surprise. Imagine
his curiosity! Surely Miss Bee had flipped...or something! But
he certainly couldn't mention the strange sight in her parlor.
When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat. The
pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and
its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him, and he
could resist no longer.
Miss Bee," he said, pointing to the bowl, "I wonder if you would
tell me about this." "Oh yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful?
I was walking downtown last fall, and I found this little
package. It said to put it on the organ and keep it wet, and it
would prevent disease.
And you know, I think it's working...
I haven't had a cold all winter!"
Q. Why did the blonde stare at the orange juice?
A. Beacause it said "concentrate!"
The recreational director of a mental hospital wanted to take a
well behaved group of inmates to a baseball game. The General
Manager of the club was a little leery of this. When the
Recreational Director said: "If I prove to you how well behaved
they are, will you let them in?" The General Director agreed.
The group of inmates came in and sat down. The Recreational
Director shouted:
"Stand up, nuts!" Everyone stood up.
"Sit down, nuts!" Everyone sat down.
"Look behind you, nuts!" Everyone turned around.
Pleased with that, the General Manager let them in. About the
third inning or so, he heard a tremendous commotion! People were
running helter skelter. He asked what happened and was told that
someone had called out: "Peanuts!"
A man driving on the highway is pulled up by a police officer on
a bike.
The officer says, "Pull over," and the driver pulls over to the
side of the road.
He says, "I'm sorry, officer, was I speeding?"
The police officer says, "No, mate, but your wife fell out of
the car a mile back."
The man replies, "Oh, that explains it. I thought I was going
deaf!"
What's the difference between a Train and Teacher?
A train says, "Chew, Chew!" and a Teacher says, "Spit the gum
out!"
So this grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender looks up and
says "Hey! You're a grasshopper! We have a drink named after
you!".
The grasshopper says "Oh yeah? You have a drink named
Leonard?!". | |
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Posted: 4/13/2008 7:36:59 PM | One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I
have a problem!"
"What's the problem, Eve?"
"Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful
garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious
comedy snake, but I'm just not happy."
"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.
"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples."
"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a
man for you." "What's a 'man', Lord?"
"This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies,
an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you
properly. All in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be
bigger and faster and more muscular than you. He'll be really
good at fighting and kicking a ball about and hunting
fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack."
"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.
"Yeah, well. He's better than a poke in the eye with a burnt
stick. But, you can have him on one condition." "What's that,
Lord?"
"You'll have to let him believe that I made him first."
A Dutchman, a German and a Belgian are planning to walk in the
desert.
The Dutchman says: "I'll bring an umbrella for the shade when it
gets too hot."
The German says: "I'll bring some sunglasses. This sun can
really destroy your eyes!"
The Belgian remains silent.
Next day, the Dutchman and the German are astonished. "What's
that?" they both shout.
The Belgian answers: "It's a car door. Now I can open the window
when it gets hot..."
A Skeleton walks into a bar, asks for a beer... and a mop.
A couple came upon a wishing well.
The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny.
The wife decided to make a wish, too.
But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned.
The husband was stunned for a while but then smiled and
said...
"Cool!...It really works"!
One day, a girl walked up to her mother and looked at her
mother's hair and sadly said: "Why is some of your hair white mommy?"
The mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something
wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turn white.
The girl thought about this revelation a while, and then said...
"Momma, how come *all* of grandma's hairs are white?"
A guy is taking a walk and sees a frog on the side of the road.
As he comes closer, the frog starts to talk. 'Kiss me and I will
turn into a princess.'
The guy picks the frog up and puts it in his pocket.
The frog starts shouting, 'Hey! Didn't you hear me? I'm a
Princess. Just kiss me and I will be yours.'
The guy takes the frog out of his pocket and smiles at it and
puts it back.
The frog is really frustrated. 'I don't get it. Why won't you
kiss me? I will turn into a beautiful princess and do anything
you ask.'
The guy says, 'Look, I'm a computer geek. I don't have time for
girls. But a talking frog is cool!'
My wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned
to our six- year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say
the blessing?"
I wouldn't know what to say," she replied. "Just say what you
hear Mommy say," my wife instructed.
Our daughter bowed her head and said: "Dear Lord, why on earth
did I invite all these people to dinner"!
Women's faults are many, men have only 2:
Everything they say and everything they do. | |
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Posted: 4/13/2008 7:38:52 PM | 1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up, put it down.
3. Don't cut your hair. Ever.
4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to
see
if he can find the perfect present!
5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an
answer you don't want to hear.
6. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.
7. Don't ask him what he's thinking about unless you are
prepared
to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation,and
monster trucks.
8. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just
like ever other cat.
9. Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period.
10. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of
the tides. Let it be.
11. Shopping is not a sport.
12. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
13. You have enough clothes.
14. You have too many shoes.
15. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us
to like it.
16. Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot, and
your dad's way past idiot.
17. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
18. No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark
anniversaries on a calendar.
19. Pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point
blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
20. Most guys own two to three pairs of shoes - what makes you
think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would
look good with your dress?
21. Yes, and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
22. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a
doctor.
23. Your Mom doesn't have to be our best friend.
24. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
25. Check your oil.
26. Don't give us 50 rules when 25 will do.
27. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
28. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the
quiz in Cosmo together.
29. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an
argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
30. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't
expect us to act like soap opera guys.
31. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of
the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
32. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we
know how pretty you are?
33. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come
out.
34. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you
want it done - but not both.
35. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say
during commercials.
36. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do
we.
37. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their
right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
38. Consider golf a mini-vacation from you. We need it, just
like you do.
39. Telling us that the models in the men's magazines are
airbrushed makes you look jealous and petty, and it's certainly
not going to deter us from reading the magazines.
40. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first
two months we were going out.
41. Anyone can buy condoms. | |
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Posted: 4/13/2008 7:41:40 PM | Did you hear about the dyslexic devil-worshipper?
He sold his soul to Santa!
Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud.
Yes sir, it's fresh ground.
Peter and Jim were partners in a profitable painting-contracting
business. Unfortunately, they weren't entirely honest, because
they mixed their paint with water.
One day Jim's conscience started to bother him as they painted a
poor widow's house. The next day Jim told Peter he just couldn't
be dishonest anymore.
"Don't quit now," Peter begged. "A few more jobs and we can
retire."
Jim refused to change his mind.
"Peter," he said. "I just can't do it. Last night an angel stood
by my bed and said - 'Repaint, repaint... you thinner.'"
A self-centered, unbelieving man... ok a lawyer... died and was
delivered into the devil's hands. "You will be spending eternity
here, but I'll let you pick your own room from three I'll show
you," the devil said.
In the first room were thousands of people standing on their
heads on a brick floor. "I don't like that," said the man. "Show
me the second."
In the second room were thousands of people standing on their
heads on a wood floor. "Well, that's better than brick," the man
said, "but show me the third."
In the third, thousands of people were standing ankle-deep in a
room full of maggot infested garbage, all drinking coffee.
"I'll choose this room," he said.
Into the room he went and the door slammed behind him.
Immediately, the voice of a minor demon rang out, "O.K., coffee
break is over, back on your heads."
Mr. Johnson, a businessman from Wisconsin, went on a business
trip to Louisiana. He immediately sent an e-mail back home to his wife,
Jennifer (JenJohnson@AOL.com).
Unfortunately, he forgot his wife's exact email address and the
e-mail ended up going to a Mrs. Joan Johnson (JJohnson@AOL.com)
of New Jersey, the wife of a preacher who had just passed
away.
The preacher's wife took one look at the e-mail and promptly
fainted.
When she was finally revived by her daughter, she nervously
pointed to the message, which read: "Arrived safely, but it
sure is hot down here."
One day a Blonde and a Brunette were driving through the
country..
The Brunette noticed a person over in a field of Wheat rowing in
a Kayak.
The Blonde then noticed and the Brunette asked her "Why is she
in a boat out in a field of wheat? There is a lake right down
the road!"
And the Blonde replied... "Want me to swim out and tell her?"
"Only in America":
...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
...are there handicapped parking places in front of a skating
rink.
...do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a
diet coke.
...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the
counters.
...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway
and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage.
...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have
call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want
to talk to in the first place.
...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of
eight.
...do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so
well: "poli" in latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning
"blood-sucking creatures".
I THINK I MAY HAVE POSTED THIS ONE ALREADY, BUT HERE IT IS AGAIN, SORRY IF IT IS A DUPLICATE
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Posted: 4/13/2008 7:42:57 PM | THE CESSNOCK 2008 OLYMPIC BID
Cessnock is to make a bid for the 2008 Olympic Games. In order to increase the likelihood that the successful bidders will win at least some medals, the competition has been modified somewhat. However, fierce competition is expected from rival areas such as Abermain, Kurri, Weston and Wollombi etc.
OPENING CEREMONY
The Olympic Flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of the town wearing the traditional flannelette shirt, jeans and no shoes with his defacto wearing the traditional bike pants and short top with oversized gut hanging over the top.
THE EVENTS:
100 METRE SPRINT
Competitors will have to hold a VCR and a microwave (one in each arm) and, on the sound of the starter’s gun, a Police Dog will be released from a cage 10 metres behind the athletes.
100 METRE HURDLES
As above but with added obstacles, car bonnets, hedges, gardens, fences, walls, train, etc.
HAMMER THROW
Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to use (claw, sledge etc.). The winner will be the one who can cause the most grievous bodily harm to members of the public within the time allowed.
SHOOTING
A strong challenge is expected from the men in this event. The first target will be a moving Police Vehicle. In the second round, competitors will aim at a Post Office Clerk, Bank Teller, Console Operator or Video Store attendant.
BOXING
Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams and will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 schooners of VB at the Cessnock Hotel followed by a quick check of a Men’s Gallery lap dancing joint, while the wife will be told not to make him any dinner when he gets home. She will be wearing bike pants, boob tube and thongs and makes a valid attempt to get him to remove the transmission out of the bath.
CYCLING TIME TRIALS
The competitor will attend the City Skateboard Area where they will obtain a bicycle stolen from a Mummy’s Boy (Preferably from St Pats of Lochinvar) and they will then be pitted against the clock. Bonus points will be awarded for a helmet which would have to be procured at the time of getting the bike.
MODERN PENTATHALON
Amended to include robbery with violence, burglary, unlawful use of a motor vehicle, arson, willful exposure.
MEN’S 50KM WALK
Unfortunately this is now cancelled as organisers cannot guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of Cessnock.
GYMNASTICS
The beam will be replaced with the strip of gutter outside the Wentworth Hotel. The event will commence at closing time – we expect some rather difficult dismounts to be performed on this apparatus. The floor routine will be conducted in the padded cell at the Cessnock watch house.
CLOSING CEREMONY
Entertainment will include the local Torres Strait Islander Dancing Group, accompanied by a local AC/DC cover band. The Olympic flame will be extinguished by local representatives urinating from the base of a spire in a cascading effect. The stadium will be boarded up before local athletes break in to it and remove all the copper piping and air conditioners.
See people, it’s all happening in the ‘nock! | |
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Posted: 4/13/2008 9:18:08 PM | | cowboy #1 walks down to the corral. walks to his horse , lifts it tail and plants a big kiss right on the horses butt. cowboy #2 sees this and shouts what the hell are you dooin? #1 says i have chaped lips. #2 says does that help? #1 says nope, it just keeps me from lickin em. hope this helps. i have lots more if you like jokes of this type contact me @martinnizer@yahoo.com GOOD LUCK I WILL THINK OF YOU OFTEN. DAVE M. | |
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Posted: 4/14/2008 6:29:50 AM | What do you call a Mexican with a rubber toe??
ROBERTO!!! HAHAHAHAHA :) | |
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Posted: 4/14/2008 6:42:10 AM | | Zeus, the Greek god, flying over ancient Greece sspotted a gorgeous naked woman washing by a lake. He went and made love to her. . . Then he told her "In 9 months you will have a child and you will call him Hercules." She smiled and replied, "In 9 days you will have a rash and you will call it Herpes! Now F*ck off!" | |
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Posted: 4/14/2008 10:29:06 AM | An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.
Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.
In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.
A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging! his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.
As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard (barely containing his laughter) who had watched the whole incident walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?"
The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost". | |
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Posted: 4/14/2008 6:05:18 PM | Little Miss Muffet,
Sat on her tuffet,
Eating her curds and whey.
Along came a spider,
Who sat down beside her ,
And said---"Whatdaya got in the bowl, bi*ch?" | |
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Posted: 4/15/2008 1:52:40 AM | LMAO!!!! these are all excellent! loving everytime I read them! Thanks again to everyone!
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Posted: 4/15/2008 2:58:10 AM | Lulu was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know. One day, the police raided the brothel and took all the girls outside and made them line up. Suddenly, Lulu's Grandma came by. Grandma asked, 'Why are you standing in line here, dear?'
Not willing to let her grandmother know the truth, Lulu told her that the police were passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some.
Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself, 'Grandma said, and she proceeded to the back of the line.
A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, 'Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it old girl?'
Grandma replied, 'Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck 'em dry.'
The policeman fainted. | |
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Posted: 4/15/2008 6:10:51 PM | Two hillbilly kids , Buckwheat and Darla are in school, and the teacher asks Darla, 'How do you spell "dumb"?' Darla says 'd-u-m-b, dumb.' the teacher says, 'Very good, now use it in a sentance.' She says, 'Buckwheat is dumb.' 'Now spell "stupid".' Darla says, 's-t-u-p-i-d, stupid.' The teacher says, 'very good, now use it in a sentance.' Darla says, 'Buckwheat is stupid.' Then the teacher calls on Buckwheat and says, 'Buckwheat, spell "dictate".' Buckwheat stands and says, 'd-i-c-t-a-t-e, dictate.' The teacher says, 'very good, now use it in a sentance.' 'I may be dumb, and i may be stupid, but Darla says my dictate good!'  | |
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Posted: 4/15/2008 6:47:59 PM | sorry kitten ~ about your condition
here's one that that make some pain go away `
Subject: Cajun Pregnancy.....LOL
Way down in Louisiana, Boudreaux's old lady had been pregnant for some
time and now the time had come. So he brought her to the doctor and the doctor began to deliver the baby. She had a little boy and the doctor
looked over at Boudreaux and said, "Hey, Boudreaux! You just had
you-self a son! Ain't dat grand!" Boudreaux got excited by this, but
just then the doctor spoke up and said, "Hold on! We ain't finished yet!
"The doctor then delivered a little girl. He said, "Hey, Boudreaux! You
got you-self a daughter! She a pretty lil ting, too." Boudreaux got kind
of puzzled by this and then the doctor said, "Hold on, we still ain't
got done yet!" The doctor then delivered another boy and said,
"Boudreaux, you just had you-self another boy!" When Boudreaux and his
wife went home with their 3 children, he sat down with his wife and
said, "Mama, you remember dat night what we run out of Vaseline and we
had to use dat dere tree-in-one Oil?" His wife said, "Yeah , I do!"
Boudreaux said, "Man, it's a damn good ting we didn't use no WD-forty!! | |
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| Drinking stories
Posted: 4/15/2008 9:43:50 PM | "Ya know" said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In St Andrews there's a wonderful little bar called McTavish's.
The landlord there goes out of his way for the locals, so much that when you buy 4 drinks he'll buy the 5th drink for you."
"Well", said the Englishman, "At my local, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2."
"Ahhhhh, that's nothing laddies", said the Irishman. "Back home in me own Killarney, there's Ryan's Bar. Now, the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then, when you've had enough drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house!"
The Englishman & Scotsman immediately scorn the Irishman's claims. But he swears every word is true.
"Well," said the Englishman, "did this actually happen to you?"
"Not to me meself, personally, no," said the Irishman... "but it did happen to me sister." | |
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Posted: 4/15/2008 10:47:34 PM | Q: What do you call a vegetarian with diarrhea?
A: A Salad Shooter!
Q: What do you call a magic wand that can make a man disappear?
A: A Pregnancy Test 
Hope these brought you some laughter  | |
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Posted: 4/16/2008 12:40:13 PM | The Feline Diet
Most diets fail because we are still thinking and eating like people. For those us who have never had any success dieting. Well now there is the new Miracle Cat Diet! This diet will also work on humans! Except for cats that eat like people -- such as getting lots of table scraps -- most cats are long and lean (or tiny and petite). the Cat Miracle Diet will help you achieve the same lean, svelte figure. Just follow this diet for one week and you'll find that you not only look and feel better, but you will have a whole new outlook on what constitutes food. Good Luck!
DAY ONE
Breakfast: Open can of expensive gourmet cat food. Any flavor as long as it cost more the .75 per can -- and place 1/4 cup on your plate. Eat 1 bite of food; look around room disdainfully. Knock the rest on the floor. Stare at the wall for awhile before stalking off into the other room.
Lunch: Four blades of grass and one lizard tail. Throw it back up on the cleanest carpet in your house.
Dinner: Catch a moth and play with it until it is almost dead. Eat one wing. Leave the rest to die.
Bedtime snack: Steal one green bean from your spouse's or partner's plate. Bat it around the floor until it goes under the refrigerator. Steal one small piece of chicken and eat half of it. Leave the other half on the sofa. Throw out the remaining gourmet cat food from the can you opened this morning.
DAY TWO
Breakfast: Picking up the remaining chicken bite from the sofa. Knock it onto the carpet and bat it under the television set. Chew on the corner of the newspaper as your spouse/partner tries to read it.
Lunch: Break into the fresh French bread that you bought as your part of the dinner party on Saturday. Lick the top of it all over. Take one bite out of the middle of the loaf.
Afternoon snack: Catch a large beetle and bring it into the house. Play toss and catch with it until it is mushy and half dead. Allow it to escape under the bed.
Dinner: Open a fresh can of dark-colored gourmet cat food -- tuna or beef works well. Eat it voraciously. Walk from your kitchen to the edge of the living room rug. Promptly throw up on the rug. Step into it as you leave. Track footprints across the entire room.
DAY THREE
Breakfast: Drink part of the milk from your spouse's or partner's cereal bowl when no one is looking. Splatter part of it on the closest polished aluminum appliance you can find.
Lunch: Catch a small bird and bring it into the house. Play with on top of your down filled comforter. Make sure the bird is seriously injured but not dead before you abandon it for someone else to have to deal with.
Dinner: Beg and cry until you are given some ice cream or milk in a bowl of your own. Take three licks/laps and then turn the bowl over on the floor.
FINAL DAY
Breakfast: Eat 6 bugs, any type, being sure to leave a collection of legs, wings, antennae on the bathroom floor. Drink lots of water. Throw the bugs and all of the water up on your spouse's or partner's pillow.
Lunch: Remove the chicken skin from last night's chicken-to-go leftovers your spouse or partner placed in the trash can. Drag the skin across the floor several times. Chew it in a corner and then abandon.
Dinner: Open another can of expensive gourmet cat food. Select a flavor that is especially runny, like Chicken and Giblets in Gravy. Lick off all the gravy and leave the actual meat to dry and get hard.
Thank god, my cat is an indoor cat!!! | |
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| Send me jokes! PLEASE!
Posted: 4/16/2008 11:29:29 PM | | Down in San Diego, Joe is sitting on the deck of his condo and spots a gorilla in one of his palm trees. Not knowing what to do, he calls the San Diego zoo. They are happy to hear from him because one of their gorillas has escaped and they say they will send someone out right away to capture it. Very shortly a truck pulls up to Joe's condo and the driver asks Joe to help him. The zoo attendant has a ladder, handcuffs, a Doberman and a rifle. He tells Joe he will climb up the tree and shake the gorilla out of the tree. When the gorilla hits the ground he will be stunned and the Doberman will bite him on the testicals and then Joe can put the handcuffs on the gorilla. Joe says, "that sounds reasonable, but what's the rifle for?" "Well," the zoo attendant says, "once in a great while, the gorilla shakes me out of the tree, and if that happens, shoot the damned dog." | |
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| Send me jokes! PLEASE!
Posted: 4/17/2008 6:32:01 AM | Thank you so much for all who have posted, I'm going to for my surgery on April 29th, right now I'm wondering if I can laugh under anathesia? (I know I spelled it wrong)
So I am still here till the 28th, while I am gone, please keep the jokes coming!
Enjoy your day! | |
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| The Word Dough....
Posted: 4/18/2008 6:25:14 AM | Teacher tells class to make a sentence using the word "dough"
Little Jane raises her hand "In Italy they make pizza using special dough"
"Very good" says teacher
Little Mary raises her hand "My baby brother makes dinosaurs out of play-dough"
"Excellent" says teacher
Little Bobby raises his hand "My mommy says dad is useless, she has to use a dil dough"
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