| The Word Dough....
Posted: 4/18/2008 7:04:36 AM | What do you see when the pilsbury doughboy bends over?
Two doughnuts!! | |
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| The Word Dough....
Posted: 4/18/2008 7:07:57 AM | | a newfoundlander arrives home to see that his house is fully engulfed in flames....he runs next door to call 911........he says panicked " get over here right away my house is on fiore , my house is on fire" The dispatcher says " Calm down sir, first of all tell us how to get there." The Newfie responds..." Don't you still have that big red truck ? | |
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| The Word Dough....
Posted: 4/18/2008 11:36:02 AM | teacher to class "can anyone give me a sentence with the word pistol in it"
smartly dressed boy "my daddy is a soldier
he wears a suit of blue
he carries a big sword
and a pistol too"
teacher"very good , anyone else?"
scruffy little lad "my daddy ain't a soldier
he don't wear no suit of blue
he draws his dole at half past ten
and he's on the pistol two" | |
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| Pet Rules!
Posted: 4/18/2008 6:48:30 PM | Pet Rules:
To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - nose height.
Dear Dogs and Cats,
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate of food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years -- canine or feline attendance is not required.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!
To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:
To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it 'fur'niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted child who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
Remember: In many ways, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
1. Eat less.
2. Don't ask for money all the time.
3. Are easier to train.
4. Normally come when called.
5. Never ask to drive the car.
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends.
7. Don't smoke or drink.
8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions.
10. Don't need a 'gazillion' dollars for college. | |
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| The Nitty Gritty Dictionary
Posted: 4/18/2008 6:56:04 PM | The Nitty Gritty Dictionary:
ADULT:
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
BEAUTY PARLOR:
A place where women curl up and dye.
CANNIBAL:
Someone who is fed up with people.
COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST:
Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
GOSSIP:
A person who will never tell a lie, if the truth will do more damage.
HANDKERCHIEF:
Cold storage.
INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies better.
RAISIN:
Grape with sunburn.
SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.
TOOTHACHE:
The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.
WRINKLES:
Something other people have. You have character lines. | |
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| Never Lie To A Woman
Posted: 4/20/2008 8:34:18 PM | A man called home to his wife and said, " Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his Friends ...
We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that Promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough Clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box, we're Leaving From the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up"
" Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pyjamas. "
The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked.
The following Weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good.
The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish?
He said, "Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pyjamas like I asked you to Do?"
You'll love the answer...
The wife replied, "I did. They're in your fishing box ..."
Never Lie To A Woman...!!! | |
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| the man
Posted: 4/20/2008 8:37:22 PM | | An old man was driving down the road when all if a sudden a rabbit ran in front of him he did everything to avoid it but, alas, he hit the rabbit. The old man stopped to check if it was still alive. A Blonde driving by saw the man crying and stopped to see what was wrong. Weeping he told the story of hitting one of gods creatures and it not surviving. The blonde, after hearing the story, told the man wait there and ran to her car. She returned with a can and sprayed the rabbit. Lo and behold the rabbit jumped up hopped a foot turned back and waved, hopped a foot turned back and waved, hopped a foot turned back and waved, the rabbit did this until out of sight. The man looked at the blonde and asked what was in the can she showed him and it was......... Hairspray.... brings life back to dead hair and adds permanent wave | |
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| Send me jokes! PLEASE!
Posted: 4/20/2008 9:24:52 PM | Man goes fishing, and sees another guy on bank fishing and just catching them one by one as fast as he cant bait, cast, unhook and rebait.
Well the new guy sits down and starts to fish. A couple of hours go by and nothing.Finally he can't stand it any longer, he goes over to the other guy, "
Say pal, how come you keep catching so many fish.?"
Guys says "A ree a roo wm."
"What asked the other guy?"
What are you trying to say?"
"A ree a roo wm." the guys says again.
"Man, i don't understand what you are saying."
The other guys spits and says, "You got to keep your worms warm!"
Man and lady get married, he tells her each morning I eat two eggs, scrambled or fried.
Oh, next morning, she serves him scrambled, oh I wanted them fried.
Next morning she fries them, oh I wanted them scrambled.
This goes on for years of her never getting it right.
So one morning she serves him 1 scrambled and 1 fried.
He looks at the eggs
"Oh you scrambled the wrong egg!"
Guy goes to prison. Lights out. Soon he hears someone yell 12, laughter. Then 27, laughter. He turns to his cell mate, "What is that?" "Oh we have a joke book and everyone know them so when you want to tell a joke you just holler out the number."
New guys gets the books and studies it for a week. Finally lights out.
Someone hollers 8, laughter. "32 some one yells, laughter. New guys hollers out "21"
Dead silence. "What ?"he says turning to cell mate.
Cell mate says, "Some people can tell a joke and some can't".
GEt you some old I love Lucy tapes, especially the one in the candy factory and the one stomping the grapes.
Also Frazier and Niles in the spa or Valentines day. Oh my I still laugh so hard.
Or Daphne's room was good too.
If you know any one who is Mormon or LDS have them put your name on the prayer roll at the closest temple too.
Good luck and hope you enjoyed these.
YOu might be able to get the tapes from the libary.
kayford | |
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| Send me jokes! PLEASE!
Posted: 4/21/2008 10:53:46 AM | Just Keep Drinking
A guy walks into a bar, sits down and says to the bartender, “Quick pour me twelve drinks.
”
So the bartender pours him twelve shots and the guy starts shooting them back really fast, one after another. The bartender says to the guy, “Boy you are drinking those drinks really fast.
”
The guys says, “Well, you would be drinking really fast too if you had what I've got.
”
The bartender says, “What've you got?”
The guy says, “75 cents. | |
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| Send me jokes! PLEASE!
Posted: 4/21/2008 11:14:01 AM | When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him and during her questions about his life, she asked him what he knew about sex?
"Tarzan not know sex" he replied.
Jane explained to him about sex.
Tarzan said "Oh, Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."
Horrified Jane said "Tarzan you have it all wrong but I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothing and lay down in an alluring position.
"Here" she said, pointing to her mound of venus, "you must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loincloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch!
Jane rolled around in agony and when she eventually managed to gasp for air she screamed "What did you do that for?"
Tarzan replied, "check for squirrel." | |
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| Send me jokes! PLEASE!
Posted: 4/21/2008 12:23:52 PM | LMAO!!!! Excellent!! I am still laughing!!!! 
Thanks so much!!! | |
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| Send me jokes! PLEASE!
Posted: 4/21/2008 12:28:27 PM | a man named neil le dunne
one day neil desides to go to London to seek his fortune.
"i will write to you when i get there and have settled in" he told his beloved mother.
after three weeks she has not heard from him.
she calls out to her second son "will you go and have a look for your brother"she asks him
"certainly mother" he replies "have you got any info on where he is staying"
"he left a message saying he would be in WC1"said his mother
second son gets on train to London
after arriving on platform he starts to look around when he spots a sign that says WC
cracked it he says to himself and walks up to cubicle 1 .he knocks on the door and says are you Neil le Dunne
"yes" came the reply "but theres no paper"
"thats no excuse not to write to your mother" | |
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| The Word Dough....
Posted: 4/22/2008 6:01:05 PM | Q/what does the tax man and a pelican have in common
A/they can both stick their bills up their arse | |
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| Send me jokes! PLEASE!
Posted: 4/22/2008 9:48:31 PM | Representatives of the Armed Forces had got together for a meeting and were introducing themselves. The first took a step forward, put out his hand and said, "George Smith, General, Australian Army,married, two sons, both lawyers." The next stepped forward, put out his hand and said, "Bill Johnson, General, Australian Army, married, two sons, both surgeons." There was an embarrassing silence until the third officer put out his hand and said, "Jack Collins, petty officer, Australian Navy, never married, two sons, both Generals."  | |
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| Send me jokes! PLEASE!
Posted: 4/22/2008 10:16:32 PM | A professional golfer driving his new Porsche, picked up an Irish girl hitchhiking. He had his golfing gear in the back seat. The Irish girl picked up something and asked, "What are these?" "Those are tees", he said. "I rest my balls on them when i drive." " Wow", said the girl, "what will those car makers think of next!"  | |
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| Send me jokes! PLEASE!
Posted: 4/23/2008 5:24:46 AM | How are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work.
How do men define a "50/50" relationship?
We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.
How do men exercise on the beach?
By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
Make him wear shoes.
How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."
How does a man show he's planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one. | |
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| Send me jokes! PLEASE!
Posted: 4/23/2008 5:53:45 AM | | love it, haha love it!! thanks for the gut busting laughs! | |
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| Send me jokes! PLEASE!
Posted: 4/23/2008 6:19:42 AM | Tommy goes into a confessional box and says, "Bless me father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."
The Priest says, "Is that you Tommy?"
"Yes father, it is I."
"Who was the woman you were with?"
I cannot tell you... For I do not wish to sully her reputation."
The priest asks, "Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
"No father."
"Was it Fiona MacDonald?"
"No father."
"Was it Ann Brown?"
"No father, I cannot tell you."
The priest says I admire your perseverance but you must atone for your sins. Your penance will be five Our Fathers and four Hail Marys.
Tommy goes back to his pew and his buddy Sean slides over and asks, "What happened?"
Tommy replies, "I got five Our Fathers, four Hail Marys and three good leads." | |
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| Send me jokes! PLEASE!
Posted: 4/23/2008 6:21:41 AM | 50 Fun Things to do When Salespeople Call
1. Tell them they must have the wrong number, only God lives here.
2. When they call back, tell them this is the devil's residence.
3. Tell them s/he can't come to the phone right now as they are in deep
meditation and may stay that way for days.
4. Start telling them about the wonderful encyclopedias you have in stock.
5. Start telling them your life story.
6. Tell them about your intense hatred for salespeople, then ask where they
live.
7. Reply to all their questions in song.
8. Ask for someone who can translate Pig Latin, as you speak no other
language.
9. Hand the phone to the youngest member of the house - preferably under five.
If no such person is available, give the phone to a pet.
10. As soon as they name the corporation they represent begin barking
relentlessly.
11. Start trying to give them a psychological analysis.
12. Demand that they refer to you as Dr. Chopstick.
13. Proudly describe what you found in your ear this morning.
14. Ask them what color underwear they are wearing today.
15. Describe your socks in detail.
16. Interrupt them repeatedly to describe the beauty of your new toaster.
17. Whiningly tell them that it is past your bedtime.
18. Midway through the conversation say, "Oh no Phil! You've done it again!
I told you that knife was too sharp! Where are we going to get the money for
another funeral?"
19. Ask them repeatedly if they believe in antelopes.
20. Refuse to answer any of their questions, as they may be one of THEM!
21. Ask them what they think would happen if you put a frog in a blender
later tell them they were wrong.
22. Ask them for their phone number so that you can call them back and chat
some more.
23. Burst into tears when they try to hang up and scream, "Don't leave me!"
24. Tell them about the time you got stuck in the doggy door.
25. When they ask to speak to you spend a long time trying to decide if that
really is your name and after you realize it is ask them to remind you of it
occasionally.
26. Proudly explain that they are the first person that you have spoken to
since you returned to Earth.
27. In the middle of the conversation start humming the Sesame Street theme
song, when they try to speak sound surprised and say, "Is someone there?"
28. Begin snoring.
29. Gleefully explain that "they" have come for you and that you are going to
a better place.
30. Start screaming whenever they say the word "that."
31. Say, "I am so glad you called, I have been waiting and waiting to hear
from you!"
32. Answer every question with the phase, "I like eggs."
33. Say "Don't you hate it when you get your tongue stuck in a door?"
34. Tearfully explain "It's you, my long last sister/brother!" as soon as
they identify themselves.
35. Complain to them about how outrageous it is that you have to take time
out of your busy day to breathe.
36. Start reading them some of your poetry.
37. Occasionally start singing commercial jingles.
38. Suggest that the two of you get together sometime and go bowling.
39. Go into detail about the government's plot to overthrow the universe.
40. Ask them what they would do if there was a dead body on the floor of
their living room.
41. Discuss what a wonderful world it would be if we were all born with
tails.
42. Whenever they try to get a word in babble on about how young people these
days talk way too much, and don't respect their elders. (Works best if they
are clearly older than you.)
43. During complete silence ask them if they hear that pounding noise.
44. Make loud pounding noises and when they ask about them say "What pounding
noises?"
45. Tell them to hold on a second, set down the phone and sing loudly.
46. Insist on calling them Mr. Spock.
47. Ask them if they will get you a birthday present.
48. Tell them you can't talk now, as you are trapped in an invisible box.
49. Beg them to dispose of your dentist, who is involved in a secret plot
that shall result in your demise.
50. Pretend to be an answering machine. | |
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| Send me jokes! PLEASE!
Posted: 4/23/2008 7:25:24 AM | | Blonde walks into the drycleaners and asks if her blouse is ready. The dry Cleaner who is old and a little hard of hearing says "come again?" No! The blonde replies, it was mustard! | |
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| Send me jokes! PLEASE!
Posted: 4/23/2008 10:50:24 AM | toothless termite walks into a saloon and says "where is the bartender?"  | |
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| Send me jokes! PLEASE!
Posted: 4/23/2008 2:19:39 PM | | Rodney was always sent for coffee in the nudist colony. He was the only man who could carry two cups of coffee and twelve donuts. | |
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| Send me jokes! PLEASE!
Posted: 4/24/2008 7:08:58 AM | A farmer has successfully grown a crop of dildo's .........
Unfortunately, he's having trouble with squatters!
 | |
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| Send me jokes! PLEASE!
Posted: 4/24/2008 4:33:48 PM | God: "Adam! I have good news and I have bad news!"
Adam: "Wow! What's the good news?"
God: "I've decided to give you a brain AND a penis!"
Adam: "That's GREAT news! What's the bad news?"
God: "I haven't figured out how to make them work at the same time!"
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