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| Send me jokes! PLEASE!
Posted: 4/24/2008 4:46:09 PM | A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened. "Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quite round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it, and while i was searching around, i noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball... stuck right in the middle of the cows butt. Thats when i made my mistake." "What did you do you do?" asks the doctor. "Well i lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, HEY, THIS LOOKS LIKE YOURS!"  | |
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| Dig up the garden
Posted: 4/25/2008 5:36:32 AM | An old man lived alone in St. Mary, Jamaica. He wanted to plough his field to plant potatoes, but it was very hard work, and he was unable to do it alone. His only son, who would have helped him, was in prison.
The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his predicament. Shortly, he received this reply, "Papa, beg yu nuh dig up the garden, that's where I buried the GUNS!"
At 4 a.m. the next morning police and soldiers showed up and dug up the entire garden, without finding any guns.
Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what happened, and asking him what to do next. His son's reply was: "Now plant yu potatoes, Papa. Is the best I could do at this time." | |
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| Internet Dating
Posted: 4/25/2008 6:41:10 AM | I had to voice my concern when my secretary said she found dates using the Internet.
"Dont worry about me," she said. "I always insist we meet at a miniature golf course."
"Why there?" I asked.
"First, it's a public place," she said. "Second, it's in broad daylight or lit like broad daylight. And third, I have a club in my hand!"
I quit worry about my secretary. | |
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| Send me jokes! PLEASE!
Posted: 4/25/2008 9:58:10 AM | An elderly Pastor was making his fairwell tour of the many churches he had pastored in during his life time, at the end of the service he was found at the door saying good bye to those he recognized, he said to the first couple, Oh you look like the Smith's, They replied yes Pastor your right, then to the Greens..etc, along came a little old lady and he said why you look just like Helen Brown, to which she replied,,well you don't look so great in black
What's the difference between Pink and Purple ?
Your Grip  | |
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| Send me jokes! PLEASE!
Posted: 4/25/2008 1:06:32 PM | The Other Stall
Traveling down the interstate and needing a use the restroom, I stop at a rest area and head to the bathroom.
I was barely sitting down when I hear a voice from the other stall saying "Hi, how are you?"
I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom and I don't know what got into me, but I answered, somewhat embarrassed, "Doin just fine!"
and the other person says, "So what are you up to?"
What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre, so I say "uhh, I'm like you, just traveling!"
At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as i can when I hear another question. "Can I come over?"
Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell them, "No...I'm a little busy right now!:"
Then i hear the person say nervously...
"Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions"
Cell phones, dont you just love them. | |
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| Send me jokes! PLEASE!
Posted: 4/25/2008 2:13:09 PM | hahahahahaha I can't thank you all enough for sending me so many hilarious jokes!!!
 to all!! | |
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| Send me jokes! PLEASE!
Posted: 4/26/2008 4:00:11 AM | | 2 married women go out for a drink one evening. At the end of the night they are slightly worse for wear and get caught short. So they nip into a cemetry to relieve themselves behind a couple of gravestones. Whilst doing this they realsie that neither of them has any tissues to finish off as it were. So after a short discussion, one decided to use her knickers and the other a ribbon from a bunch of flowers from a nearby new grave. The next night their respective husbands go out for a drink. Husband no 1 says I'm going to watch nmy wife when she goes out in future, she went out with knickers on and when she came back they were off. I know what you mean said husband no 2, mine went out knickerless but when she turned over in bed this monrning I found a card stuck to her bum.....it read "we'll miss you from all at the fire station"! | |
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| Send me jokes! PLEASE!
Posted: 4/26/2008 9:09:59 AM | On a rainy day when the students had to stay in the teacher had them play a word game. She would call out a letter and the children were to spell and say a word that started with that letter. Her first letter was S and of course Dirty Eddy was the first to raise his hand. She would not call on him knowing he would come up with s*^t or something else as dirty so she called on Mary. "Snake s n a k e" say Mary.
The next letter was F and again little Dirty Eddy was first with his hand up. Oh no she thought that is too dangerous for him so she called on Joe. "Fork f o r k " says Joe.
And so it went letter after letter the teacher had to pass over Dirty Eddy. Finally she came to the letter R. Again Eddy had his hand up first. The teacher thought a long time and could not make out a dirty word so thought it was safe to call on Dirty Eddy.
"Rats r a t s" says Dirty Eddy. The teacher was very shocked. "Well Eddy, how did you come up with such a clean word" the teacher asked. Dirty Eddy replied, "I just saw two fuc*ing rats with d%xks that long." | |
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| Send me jokes! PLEASE!
Posted: 4/26/2008 9:58:32 AM | Man's best friend...
A dog is truly a man's best friend. If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.
Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.
When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you!?
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| Send me jokes! PLEASE!
Posted: 4/26/2008 10:04:18 AM | From: Bin Laden, Osama (Corporate Level)
To: All Al Qaeda Fighters
Subject: The Cave (Do Not Distribute Outside The Organization).
Hi guys. We've all been putting in long hours recently but we've really come together as a group and I love that! However, while we continue to fight a Jihad in this New Year, we can't forget to take care of the cave, and frankly I have a few concerns:
First of all, while it's good to be concerned about cruise missiles, we should be even more concerned about the dust in our cave. We want to avoid excessive dust inhalation, (a health and safety issue) - so we need to sweep the cave daily. I've done my bit on the cleaning rota ..have you? I've posted a sign-up sheet near the cave reception area (next to the halal toaster).
Second , it's not often I make a video address but when I do, I'm trying to scare the s**t out of most of the world's population, okay? That means that while we're taping, please do not ride your scooter in the background or keep doing the 'Wassup' thing. Thanks.
Third : Food. I bought a box of Dairylea recently, clearly wrote "Ossy" on the front and put it on the top shelf. Today, two of my Dairylea slices were gone. Consideration. That's all I'm saying.
Fourth : I'm not against team spirit and all that, but we must distance ourselves from the Infidel's bat and ball games. Please do not chant "Ossy, Ossy, Ossy, Oy, Oy, Oy" when I ride past on the donkey. Thanks.
Five : Graffiti. Whoever wrote "OSAMA F***S DONKEYS" on the group toilet wall. It's a lie, the donkey backed into me, whilst I was relieving myself at the edge of the mountain.
Six : The use of chickens is strictly for food. Assam, the old excuse that the 'chicken backed into me, whilst I was relieving myself at the edge of the mountain' will not be accepted in future. (With donkeys, there is a grey area.)
Finally , we've heard that there may be Western soldiers in disguise trying to infiltrate our ranks. I want to set up patrols to look for them. First patrol will be Omar, Muhammad, Abdul, Akbar and Dave.
Love you lots,
Group Hug.
Os. | |
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| Send me jokes! PLEASE!
Posted: 4/26/2008 10:06:02 AM | | PS - I'm sick of having "Osama Bed Linen" scribbled on my laundry bag. Cut it out, it's not funny any more. | |
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| A quick & full recovery for you.
Posted: 4/26/2008 3:40:01 PM | A Rolls Royce and a Mini Minor are stopped side by side at the traffic lights. The Mini driver, noticing the superior look on the face of the Rolls driver, begins baiting him. " I suppose you have a****ail cabinet in the back?" "Yes," replies the Rolls driver. "A DVD player as well, i suppose." "Yes." "Quadraphonic speakers?" "Of course." "Reclining seats?" "Naturally." Just then the lights turn green and as a parting shot the Mini driver shouts, "i'll bet you don't have a double bed in there." The Rolls driver is devastated. He drives immediately to the Rolls dealer and demands they arrange for a double bed to be fitted. As luck would have it, a few weeks later he is driving around town and sees the Mini parked in a side street. He screams around the corner and parks behind the Mini. As he strides up to the Mini, he notices the windows are all fogged up. He knocks on the window. A hand inside wipes a circle in the foggy window and the Mini driver peers out. "Do you remember me?" asks the Rolls driver. "Yes, your'e the Rolls driver i talked to the other day." "Well," says the Rolls driver, "i just wanted to let you know i've had a double bed installed." The Mini driver sighs, shakes his head slowly and says, "You got me out of the shower to tell me that?"  | |
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| A quick & full recovery for you.
Posted: 4/26/2008 3:47:34 PM | LOOK AWAY AND DO NOT READ IF EASILY OFFENDED.
Why do women in their 70's not have smear tests?
Have you ever tried to open a cheese toastie?
(Sorry I will get me coat!) | |
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| Different Words ~ Different Meanings
Posted: 4/27/2008 2:40:25 PM | Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absent-mindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.
Flatulence (n.), the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
Infrequently (adj.), a man who has a lot of sex.
Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.
Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
Frisbeetarianism (n.) The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.
Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
Innuendo (n.), Latin word for suppository.
Please feel free to add your own... | |
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| Send me jokes! PLEASE!
Posted: 4/27/2008 6:01:05 PM | A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work.
Her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.
Boy - Dark in here
Man - Yes, it is
Boy - I have a baseball
Man - That's nice
Boy - Want to buy it?
Man - No, Thanks
Boy - My dad's outside
Man - O.K.
how much?
Boy - $250.
00
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.
Boy -dark in here
Man -yes, it is
Boy -I have a baseball glove
Man -how much?
Boy -$750.
00
Man -Fine
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "grab your glove, let's go
outside and toss the baseball." The boy says, "I can't, I sold them." The father asks, "how much did you sell them for?" The son says $1,000. The father says, "that's terrible to overcharge your friends like that, that is way more than those two things cost.
" I'm going to take you to church and
make you confess. They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.
The boys says - Dark in here
The priest says - Don't start that shit again! | |
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| Send me jokes! PLEASE!
Posted: 4/27/2008 10:05:21 PM | Three men die in a car accident in December. They all find themselves at the pearly gates, waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they are told that they must offer something in relation to Christmas.
The first man searches his pocket and finds some mistletoe so is allowed in.
The second man presents a Xmas cracker, he is also allowed in.
The third man pulls out a pair of knickers.
Confused at this last gesture , the angel asks him "How do these represent Christmas?"
The man answers "They're Carol's." | |
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| Send me jokes! PLEASE!
Posted: 4/28/2008 5:39:46 AM | Little Jonny's in the bath and his mum walks in, she says 'jonny!! stop doing that'!!!!
He says 'mummy, it's mine and i'll wash it as fast as i like'!! | |
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| Send me jokes! PLEASE!
Posted: 4/28/2008 6:07:41 AM | A guy sees a sign on a bathroom wall that says, "Get screwed by Granny! $100. He gets to thinking ... $100 ... must have some good moves.
So he goes to the building out back and knocks on a door. A sweet little voice says ... "Put your money under the door first." He does.
He waits and waits and waits. Finally, he knocks on the door again and the sweet little voice says, "Put your money under the door first."
He says, "I did and I want to get screwed."
Granny replies...Again?" | |
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| Send me jokes! PLEASE!
Posted: 4/28/2008 8:15:40 AM | hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.
They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment.
She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.
There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed
in rows, covering the entire wall!
It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched
by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.
There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering thelength of the middle shelf,
and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.
She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears,
She is quite impressed by his sensitive side.
but doesn't mention this to him. They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and,
after awhile, she finds herself thinking, 'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one!
Maybe he could be the future father of my children?' She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips
He responds warmly.
They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom
where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.
She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.
After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow.
The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, 'Well,how was it?'
The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says:
*
*
*
*
*
*
'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf' | |
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| Send me jokes! PLEASE!
Posted: 4/28/2008 6:34:01 PM | LMAO!!!!
Surgery is tomorrow, I am hoping to be back posting asap! I ll miss you guys and Thank you so much for keeping me laughing !!! | |
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| Send me jokes! PLEASE!
Posted: 4/29/2008 12:46:58 AM | Airplane ride: (please take no offense).
there are three girls, 2 white, one black and all of them wanted to go on a plane ride. So here they are up in the air, first girl near the aisle takes out her make up case and puts on all this make up to make herself beautiful. The other two girls look at her and say "awwww, why did you do that?" She says "well, I heard if the plane crashes, they always save the prettiest girl first."
So the girl in the middle, she has big boobs, takes off her shirt and bra and starts flashing her boobs to everyone on the plane. The other two girls look at her and say "awwww, why did you do that?" She says "well, I heard if the plane crashes, they always save the girl with the biggest boobs first."
Finally, the girl on the inside, she is black, takes off all her clothes and starts pointing between her legs. The other two girls look at her and say "awwww, why did you do that?" She says "well, I heard if the plane crashes, they always save the black box first."
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| Send me jokes! PLEASE!
Posted: 4/29/2008 3:20:35 AM | A man boards an airplane and takes his seat. As he settles in, he glances up and sees a most beautiful woman boarding the plane.
He soon realizes she is heading straight towards his seat.
A wave of nervous anticipation washes over him.
Lo and behold, she takes the seat right beside his.
Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurts out, "Business trip or
vacation?".
"Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago," she states.
Whoa!!! He swallows hard and is instantly crazed with excitement.
Here's the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen, sitting RIGHT next to him and she's going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his outward cool, he calmly asks, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer", she says. "I use my experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really," he says, swallowing hard, "what myths are those?"
"Well," she explains, "one popular myth is that African American men are the most well-endowed when, in fact, it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Greek descent."
Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed and blushes. "I'm sorry," she says, "I shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!".
"Tonto," the man says, as he extends his hand. "Tonto Papadopoulos." | |
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| Send me jokes! PLEASE!
Posted: 4/30/2008 8:36:15 AM | A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist..
Her doctor recommended that she see the well known Chinese sex therapist, Dr.Too Hung Lo.
So she went to see him.
Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Too Hung Lo said, "OK, take off all your crose."
The woman did as she was told.
"Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odder side of room."
Again, the woman did as she was instructed.....
Dr. Too Hung Lo then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me."
So she did. Dr.Too Hung Lo shook his head slowly and said, "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates."
Worried, the woman asked anxiously,
"Oh my God, Dr.Too Hung Lo, what is Ed Zachary Disease ?"
Dr. Too Hung Lo sighed deeply, and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your ass." | |
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