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| Send me jokes! PLEASE!
Posted: 4/30/2008 8:55:01 AM | I was walking past the mental hospital the other day,and all the patients were shouting ,'13....13....13'
The fence was too high to see over,but I saw a little gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on.
Some jerk poked me in the eye with a stick.
Then they all started shouting '14....14....14'... | |
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Posted: 4/30/2008 10:37:24 AM | A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.
A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir, I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check. Are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other. Then, she takes a close look and says, there's nothing wrong with them, Sir!"
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely......
A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?" | |
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Posted: 4/30/2008 11:19:26 AM | paddy and murphy are on a plane when the pilot comes on the intercom
"i am sorry to say that number one engine has blown and we shall be half an hour late"
aw shucks says paddy
pilot comes on again"sorry to report that number two engine has gone down and we shall now be one hour late"
never mind says murphy we still have plenty of time
pilot comes on again"very sorry to report engine failure on number three and we shall now be two hours late"
blimey says paddy if that last f$£ker goes we shall be up here all night
p.s. get well soon. | |
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Posted: 4/30/2008 6:44:27 PM | | the was a smart blond driving down a canadian HWY, so she see praries to her left and praries to her right. All of a sudden she see's a stupid a$$ blonde in the middle of a wheat feild rowing a boat. the smart blonde screeches to a fault gets out and starts yelling at this dumb blonde... "ya know its stupid blondes like you that give us smart blondes a bad reputation... and if i could swim, i would come out there and kick you a$$" | |
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Posted: 4/30/2008 6:47:51 PM | | once upon a time a man from a far away country came to canada to start a new life. he got a job in a bakery. on his first day a lady came in and asked how much the bread was the man looked confused and ran to the manager. the manager said oh tell her its" 2 dollers". so the man did. the next day a man walked into the store . how much is this bread he asked. 2 dollers replied the forigen man. is it fresh asked the customer? the man was confused and again ran to the manager. the manager said to just say "yes very fresh". so the man did. the next day an older lady walked into the store. how much is the bread she asked. 2 dollers the man replied. is it fresh? yes, very fresh the man saiid. the lady said ok i'll take it can i have a bag please. the man got confused and ran to the manager. the manager said oh just say "of cource'! so the man did. the next day a robber came in. how much is in your till he yelled. 2 dollers said the man. Are you being fresh with me yelled the robber. yes very fresh replied the man. Do you want me to shoot you yelled the robber. Of cource the man replied! | |
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Posted: 4/30/2008 7:23:00 PM | Hi fun Fl girl! hugssss
A man goes into a house to rob it because he knows no one is home. He's rummaging around aiming his flashlight at cupboards, desks etc...when he hears a voice say " Jesus is watching you!"...this creeps him out and he looks around shining his flashlight all over the room...sees nothing. After awhile tho ..he regains his courage and goes to the next room...looking around to find the tv etc. He hears a voice say " Jesus is watching you!". Well that does it!! He runs the flashlight all over the room and spots a parrot on a perch. Dang! It was a talking bird. He goes to the bird and says "was that you talking to me?"...the bird says "yes"...the man (amused) says "what's your name?" the bird says "Methuselah"...the man says "what kind of people name their bird Methuselah?" bird says " the same kind that name their Rottweiller Jesus!" | |
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| Send me jokes! PLEASE!
Posted: 4/30/2008 9:19:15 PM | The Bishop moved out into the remand yard of the prison and came across three Irish inmates leaning against the wall. "What are you in for?" he asked the first. "Murder," he replied. "And what did you get for that?" "Life." The Bishop asked the next man what he was in for. "Fraud," he replied, "i got 15 years." The bishop asked the third man what was his crime. "Pouring petrol over protestants and setting them alight." "And what did you get for that?" asked the Bishop. "About fifteen to the gallon", replied the prisoner.  | |
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| Send me jokes! PLEASE!
Posted: 5/1/2008 7:48:29 AM | A Hawaiian woodpecker and a Californian woodpecker, who had managed to fly across the ocean, were arguing about which place had the toughest trees.
The Hawaiian woodpecker said that they had a tree that no woodpecker could peck. The Californian woodpecker challenged him and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem.
The Hawaiian woodpecker was in awe.
The Californian woodpecker then challenged the Hawaiian woodpecker to peck a tree in California that was absolutely un-peckable.
The Hawaiian woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge. So after flying to California, the Hawaiian woodpecker successfully pecked the tree with no problem.
The two woodpeckers were now confused. How is it that the California woodpecker was able to peck the Hawaiian tree and the Hawaiian woodpecker was able to peck the California tree when neither one was able to peck the tree in their own state?
After much woodpecker-pondering, they both came to the same conclusion:
Your pecker is always harder when you're away from home
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| Send me jokes! PLEASE!
Posted: 5/1/2008 10:33:43 AM | Hey fun girl thanks for requesting Jokes from folks. I was gunna do it myself but I dont know how.
Im only knew to this stuff. Would Ya mind tellin me HOW do I start a Forum Thread ?Thank You
hapyhippy   | |
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| Send me jokes! PLEASE!
Posted: 5/2/2008 4:44:55 AM | Hi Hapyhippy..............Just click on the "Start A New Thread" button and you are in business! | |
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Posted: 5/2/2008 9:35:48 AM | ok, sorry about this but it's gunnu hurt
three priests were traveling to Pittsburgh together by train, one senior and two younger men , the senior one handed the youngest one a wad of cash and told him to go and purchase 3 tickets for them and some coins for the vending machine . when he got to the ticket window he was stunned to see a beautiful young woman behind the counter, showing way to much cleavage, when she asked if she could help him he stuttered yesss three pickets to titsburgh please, he blushed and ran off, when he told the other two what happed the senior priest was not impressed, so he sent the other young priest, who when he got to the window was also dumfounded by the clerk, he stuttered 3 tickets to Pittsburgh and can I have some change in nipples and dimes , he too ran away empty handed. The senior priest then disgusted by his young charges went to the window, he asked for 3 tickets to Pittsburgh and could he have the change in nickels and dimes, he received what he came to get, but before he turned to leave he decided to scold the young girl and he said to her, " young lady you should be ashamed, when you go to heaven St Finger is going to wag his peter at you" He ran for the train | |
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Posted: 5/2/2008 8:05:05 PM | The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this very restaurant where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'
'Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.'
'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'
'Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.
Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'
Shaking, the old man i s barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.' | |
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Posted: 5/3/2008 2:39:34 PM | Paddy the Irishman was walking through a cemetary when he came across a headstone with the inscription. 'Here lies a politician, an honest man and a friend.' "Glory be now!" exclaimed Paddy, "I wonder how they got the three of them in the one grave?"  | |
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| Send me jokes! PLEASE!
Posted: 5/4/2008 12:50:26 PM | Just a quick note, I'm okay!!! I ll pop in later , but still have all fours wriggling and kicking  | |
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| Send me jokes! PLEASE!
Posted: 5/4/2008 3:20:51 PM | | Welcome back, hope you have a quick & full recovery............................................. A little boy got on a bus, sat next to a man reading a book and noticed he had his collar on backwards. the little boy asked why he wore his collar that way. "I am a father," the priest said. "My daddy doesn't wear his collar like that." "I am the father of many," said the priest, looking up from his book. "My dad has four boys, four girls, and two grandchildren,and he doesn't wear his collar that way." The priest, becoming impatient,said, "I am the father of thousands!" and went back to reading his book. The little boy sat quietly. As he was leaving the bus he leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear your pants backwards..." | |
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| blonde?
Posted: 5/5/2008 9:27:02 AM | A blonde and a brunette were taking the elevator to the lobby from the 25th floor. On the 23rd floor, a very handsome looking man with great hair but obvious dandruff gets into the elevator.
The women exchange a look acknowledging just how good looking this man is.
The man gets off the elevator on the 12th floor. The women watch him exit the elevator.
Then the brunette turns to the blonde and says, "God was he good looking, but someone ought to give him some "Head & Shoulders."
To which the blonde replies.....
"How do you give Shoulders?" | |
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Posted: 5/5/2008 11:53:48 AM | Cancel your credit card..........(hilarious!)
Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die. This is so priceless, and so, so easy to see happening, customer service being what it is today.
A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00, now somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to Citibank. Here is the exchange:
Family Member: "I am calling to tell you she died in January."
Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."
Family Member: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections."
Citibank: "Since it is two months past due, it already has been."
Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"
Citibank: "Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!"
Family Member: "Do you think God will be mad at her?" (I really liked this Part!!!!)
Citibank: "Excuse me?"
Family Member: "Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?"
Citibank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor." (Duh!)
Supervisor gets on the phone:
Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."
Citibank : "The account was never closed and late fees and charges still apply." (This must be a phrase taught by the bank!)
Family Member: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"
Citibank: (Stammer) "Are you her lawyer?"
Family Member: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given)
Citibank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"
Family Member: "Sure." (Fax number is given )
After they get the fax:
Citibank: "Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help."
Family Member: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care."
Citibank: "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply."
Family Member: "Would you like her new billing address?"
Citibank: "That might help."
Family Member: " Odessa Memorial Cemetery , Highway 129, Plot Number 69."
Citibank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"
Family Member: "What do you do with dead people on your planet???
(Priceless!!) | |
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Posted: 5/5/2008 11:55:49 AM | Why Men Are Rarely Published in Dear Abby .....
Dear Abby, I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice
on what could be a crucial decision. I've suspected for some time now that
my wife has been cheating on me.
The usual signs... phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My
wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when I ask
their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know
them."
I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always
walks down the drive. Although I can hear a car driving off, as if she has
gotten out of the car round the corner. Why? Maybe she wasn't in a taxi? I
once picked her cell phone up just to see what time it was and she went
berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was I
checking up on her.
Anyway, I have never approached the subject w ith my wife. I think deep down
I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and
I decided to really check on her. I decided I was going to park my Harley
Davidson motorcycle next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could
get a good view of the whole street when she came home. It was at that
moment, crouching behind my Harley, that I noticed that the valve covers on
my engine seemed to be leaking a little oil.
Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer?
Thanks,
Bob | |
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Posted: 5/5/2008 11:56:45 AM | Never Argue with a Woman
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.
Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")
"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left. | |
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Posted: 5/5/2008 11:59:29 AM | Jim and Edna
Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the Head Nurse became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna, she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged. Since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?" | |
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Posted: 5/5/2008 12:03:08 PM | | I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been together for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one thing bothering me...it was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was 22, wore very tight mini skirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a pleasant view.One day "little sister" called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations.She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I go married and committed my life to her sister.Well, I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to m y bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up."I was stunned and frozen in shock, as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight toward my car.Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside---all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test... we couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family." And the moral of this story is... Always keep your condoms in your car. | |
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| Doggy Exercise
Posted: 5/6/2008 12:17:58 AM | Wot do you call a dog with no legs ?
Nothing he wont come to ya anyway !
How do you exercise a dog with no legs ?
Take him for a drag !
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