| How important is sex in a new relationship?
Posted: 4/13/2008 3:51:31 AM | | I used to consider talking about sex taboo during a first date. As I am becoming more open and candid in my communication that may change. There is an important distinction between "talking about" sex and being pressured for sex. I would not pressure someone for sex without first getting an idea of how compatible we were. It probably takes me several dates to figure out if I really like someone or not, or get an idea of how compatible we are. (I have talked about many personal topics on first dates, and if I end up "back in the pond" again I expect sex to be one of the topics that I discuss openly and candidly with people I date. I would not want to wait several dates before approaching taboo subjects. If we can not talk openly about where we are as people then I would probably not be interested in continuing to date someone.) If by the 3rd or 4th date we're not able to talk openly about virtually any subject then we're probably on a dead-end street... | |
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| How important is sex in a new relationship?
Posted: 4/13/2008 6:41:23 AM | So true, reality, so true. Whether its on line or real life. While I don't appreciate a brain dump when I first meet someone, I do want to know whether to continue getting to know them. Having those open discussions among people on this site has probably averted a lot of divorces and heartache. I joined this site to speed the process up some and to be able to eliminate certain kinds of men--substance abuse, etc. Don't want to end up six months later getting a call from the wife--yeah thats happened. At least on here people can report them for lieing about it and have their profiles removed. I like the interests part and the about me part of the profile. Lets me know ahead of time whether there is some sort of basis to continue. I always read the about me first. Doesn't matter how hot a photo is if the profile contains a lot of negativity toward women. Just not my kind of guy. And there are a lot of men on here that have received a response from me asking them to tell more in their profile. A lot. I even read the chemistry and compatability analyses before I respond.
And I have gone out with men who don't post a photo because my online conversation and phone conversations were good. And it turned out just fine.
I guess I just don't understand the viewpoint of some women who thinks its OK to find out what kind of job a man has and how much he makes, but consider it rude for him to ask how often she would prefer to have sex.
I am leary of a man who doesn't want to get to know the hot topics. It leads me to believe that he is looking for any woman, doesn't care which one. And if thats true, then he is not for me. I want someone that is looking for me, not a space filler. | |
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| How important is sex in a new relationship?
Posted: 5/17/2008 7:40:36 AM | ok ,,,first and foremost the key word is relationship,,,,,and for a relationship ,,,to be one there has to be emotional and mental connection ,,between 2 people first,,and thats not going to happen on a first date/ meeting ,,sex is sex and nothing more,,,,lovemaking takes a connection between 2 hearts ,,and is so much more enjoyable ,,, that said enjoy your day :) | |
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| How important is sex in a new relationship?
Posted: 5/17/2008 9:45:50 AM | Depends... How important is sexual compatibilty to you. How important is "good sex" to you and how do you define that...???
Personally while clicking personality wise, having similar values are vital to a good relationship.... so is a good compatable sexual relationship. And not everyone has the same sexual "appetites"
So while I have not generally brought up sex on a first date... I also make sure we are sexually compatable relatively early on .... Nothing worse that getting into a relationship and having both of you be on Mars and Vensus as far as your sexual comfort level (which I have had happen)
People need to be "freaky" in the same way or at least open to each others freakiness...
If that is missing... then the relationship likely will not work
DK | |
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| How important is sex in a new relationship?
Posted: 5/18/2008 8:08:34 AM | The good news is your clear on what you want - never compromise that. If he is worthwhile he wont wish for you to compromise that.
Personally, I have never waited long enough...perhaps thats why im single still, lol.
Perhaps you can be open and honest with your feelings about 'sex talk' too early on. I hate to say it, the North American culture seems to have alot of openness around sex and sexuality...women are even worse sexually than men sometimes. | |
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| How important is sex in a new relationship?
Posted: 7/8/2008 2:53:01 AM | PIA: You already answered your own question in your thesis statement. You're like Dorothy in Oz. There's nothing in the bag for you here. You already know what the right thing to do is. You're an adult. It's up to you to design your own preferred boundaries.
Cultural differences exist everywhere, but if someone digs you enough they'll work with you. There was a girl I met from a chatline who I got along with famously. We met the first day we chatted on the phone. The sparks were so immediate it was almost scary. She wanted to go for it, but I was afraid being preoccupied with sex would prevent us from really getting to know each other. She said she had no problem and would wait as long as I wanted. For whatever reason, she was able to make a snap decision about intimacy and still be sincere.
A relationship is whatever two people want it to be. For example, in Iceland people have sex on the first date as a rule -- to determine whether who they shall date is compatible in bed. In their culture a good love life makes for a better relationship.
You don't hear women there complaining about what a chore sex is like you do in the United States. They don't have all of our idiotic, Puritanical hangups that the Christian church has imposed on the vast majority of people who live in this country.
Women here act like they're doing a guy a favor if they're intimate. They make them wait a certain amount of time, as if sex is some kind of a prize or payoff of some kind. That is so immature and dysfunctional it's not even funny.
But do I necessarily agree with going to bed on the first or second date? Do I see this as a windfall? Not really. Only because the thrill of physical intimacy hinges heavily on who you are to each other. When you bring a lot of history into a bedroom with you, it creates a much more intensely rich and meaningful experience.
A lot of people see immediate sex as getting away with something, but there are certain laws of physics you can't defy: the joy of intimacy can only run as deep as the friendship is real.
Ultimately, two people need to be on the same page. I didn't start dating again (after throwing in the towel for 12 years) till four years ago, and I never had to bring up sex -- the women I dated pushed for it within the first or second dates; and I dated bright, decent people, e.g., nurses, a teacher, an engineer -- not white trash skanks. I liked knowing they wanted to be that close but I also found it awkward because it wasn't appropriate to say "I love you" during the afterglow. And there was always that knee-jerk moment where I couldn't figure out what to say. Like, what DO you say when you've just started going out? "Good job?"
So I've always found that difficult to wrestle with; and it reminds me that maybe it might be better if you can wait longer. But is sex important to a new relationship? Of course it is. The real question should be related to HOW new the relationship is. I would consider a relationship new for as long as four or five months. But what the hell, my first girlfriend and I tried to wait till we got married and finally gave in after a frustrating TWO YEARS. We never married and I've never married anyone else I've ever dated -- so in the end, the best I can tell you is that there's no formula that offers a guarantee.
All I can say is try to find someone who is willing to respect your necessary boundaries. Both of you need to be good communicators and should eventually be able to discover whether you're on the same page in terms of desired frequency and kinds of preferred behaviors BEFORE getting married, however you get that figured out.
Thanks to supersaturated exposure to endless media options, like radio, satellite TV, the internet, etc., we have long been too over-informed and over-connected a culture in this country for people to stay naive about stuff like this indefinitely. You're an adult. Stand up for what you believe -- but also, be open-minded to learning the specifics of another person's sexual identity so you KNOW if your love life will help create happiness or just more daily stress.
And above all, don't get too American. American women are too spoiled these days, take too much for granted and are obsessed with being "empowered." They also feel justified in playing games with men to get back at whatever men had done to their mothers or to them in high school. We are a psychologically dysfunctional culture. Men and women are more like adversaries than lovers. And the stupid ones justify their keeping their guard up by insisting that it's a dog-eat-dog world.
Women too often go for alpha males, and then wonder why these bad boys are so lousy as partners. They love the look of power or confidence that jerks have, but then think that ALL men are jerks when the relationship crumbles. It's not that nice guys finish last -- they are simply not INVITED in the first place. And then women think men suck. Men don't suck. Their TASTE in men is what sucks. They don't want to admit that their choices are just as superficial as the ding-dongs they resent for looking for a hooker with a heart.
If you feel you need to be on your guard to make sure the other person doesn't get the last word on things, then you're either not ready to be in a relationship yet or you're with the wrong guy. But above all, don't make the new guy pay for the crimes of everyone who came before him. Let every person define who they are.
And whatever you do, don't become a ruthless, Machiavellian power-monger like Hillary Clinton. She is not a role model for any human being. You can criticize me for not mentioning Bill, but hey, get the point here: they both married EACH OTHER, okay? They are birds of a feather. They're both criminals and they both suck as human beings.
The fact that she is simply a female version of how rotten men have always been doesn't make you any less of an idiot for being just as rotten. Be a leader, not a follower. I'm a guy, and I choose not to be as rotten as either. A creep is a creep, period. Use the Golden Rule: treat people as you'd like to be treated. It's real simple and undermines any cheap excuses people give for being jerks and looking out for number one in a relationship setting.
In a relationship, you must humble yourself to compromising away a certain amount of your individual freedom to actually become partners. And this has been the curse of my recent relationships, especially with 20- and 30-somethings. They are so independent within a relationship that they behave like loners and don't reciprocate much, either sexually or in general thoughtfulness.
We've become a country of hypocrites who lack manners, culture, compassion and a belief in fairplay. We scorn others for unethical behavior and yet reserve the right to justify it in ourselves. For example, I've never -- under ANY circumstances (including when being cheated on) -- ever ONCE cheated on a girl, lied to a gal, disrespected a girl or raised a hand to a girl. Very few of all I've dated could say the same inversely.
I recommend that you check out (and have your significant other check out) a very realistic and logical website called "marriagebuilders.com." It offers a lot of excellent, if not profound insight into where we fail each other in relationships and constructive advice as to how to succeed. It's not initially easy to follow because we have become such an unrepentantly lazy, selfish culture. Most relationships are sabotaged before they even begin. It's a shame they don't teach a year-length course in every high school based on this site. People would find out how fair-minded they are(n't) real quick.
Most people who talk about "keeping it real" don't even have a clue of what "real" actually is. For people who have the cajones to face themselves for who they actually are, this site could make the difference of a lifetime.
So good luck, whatever you do. Just remember that it isn't that you don't know the right thing to do -- you're just unsure about whether to express your beliefs openly. And the answer is "yes." | |
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| How important is sex in a new relationship?
Posted: 7/8/2008 3:58:23 AM | | An answer to this question is as varied as the People who respond. When you go on a date it is not like picking up a streetwalker. You and only you can decide when the time is right for you. Dates are for getting to know the person across from you and not in the carnal way. A relationship is different territory and still only when you are ready to take it to that level. If the guy wont wait, Move on . | |
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| How important is sex in a new relationship?
Posted: 7/8/2008 5:13:49 AM | I can date people and have no desire to have sex with them.
Sex should be involved when theres some feelings there.Also holding hands is out while I`m getting to know someone.I only hold hands when I`m in love.
Don`t worry about what a date talks about on the first or second date.You date to get to know someone to find out if he could be someone to have sex with ,how could you possible know this on a first date??
Now when you are older ,Lust gets in the way sometimes... | |
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PAWS17
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Joined: 4/27/2008
Msg: 85 | |
| How important is sex in a new relationship?
Posted: 7/8/2008 6:22:03 AM | I guess I come from the old school as I am 63. I have had some first dates that pushed for sex and it was just that. They were horny and thought I owed them for dinner NOT. To me the sexiest part of a man is his brain. When the newness of the physical wears off there needs to be something else( like having things in common). Can't stay in bed 24-7.
You were so right to respect yourself and your beliefs | |
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| How important is sex in a new relationship?
Posted: 7/8/2008 8:16:54 AM | Pia,
Thank you for posting this thread. I feel less like a "nun" seeing that there are plenty of other people thinking like I do.
:-)
You can't build a relation purely on sex.
I've met my now ex-husband New Year's Eve, slept with him at midnight, obviously it was great every chance we got for next 2 years. So we got married. But relatioship halted at the physical level and another 4 years later we were divorced. :-(
Now I take my time until I know the man as a person and am comfortable with him. At the very least it makes me feel less used should things go wrong, and more often than not, there is a friendship after. | |
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| How important is sex in a new relationship?
Posted: 7/8/2008 10:43:43 AM | My ex once said something to me that I never forgot. He said he didn't ever want to sleep with me if I was just going along with it. He only wanted me if I wanted him just as much. Only then was it worth it to him. Poor suckers that follow him have big shoes to fill, but I digress.
OP, if the man you're with doesn't care if you're into him or ready or comfortable, that says a lot about what his deal is - and it ain't you. A man who's worth it and really likes you will want you to be into it and want it just as much, or it will just be lackluster for him. | |
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| How important is sex in a new relationship?
Posted: 7/8/2008 11:09:04 AM | [quoteIn my experience, the ones who push the sex thang want nothing more than that. If you can't take the time to experience the other person in any other way than physical, you got issues and I don't have the time or energy. I would rather do without completely than deal with a shallow, half-assed bump and grind.
Guess I'm a bit cynical, eh?... LOL
Actually, moxieroxie, I don't see anything cynical at all about your comments. I think they make perfectly good sense.
I make it a policy to never be the first to bring up sex, and seem to be getting my fair share. | |
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| How important is sex in a new relationship?
Posted: 7/8/2008 12:44:45 PM | | It's important only when you both feel it. Some people say let's know each other before we have sex. Others let have sex and then know each other. Know what you want and how you are going about it first. | |
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| How important is sex in a new relationship?
Posted: 7/8/2008 4:19:23 PM | Apparently very important, cause I've gone out on quite a few first dates where the girl wanted sex on the first day. I say no, and I am told various things like, sex is an important part of a relationship, I want a man and a man wouldn't turn down sex, or she takes it out on herself at my refusal.
Dating is fun! | |
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| How important is sex in a new relationship?
Posted: 7/8/2008 5:40:26 PM | Sex is important in a relationship, but so is emotional intimacy and other physical intimacy. It is part of what defines the relationhip and makes it special versus other relationships you have of a different nature.
Dating should not involve sex as there are lots of other activities you can do together as you get to know one another and just having fun, plus the emotional connection may not be there for a meaningful physical connection. You need to know, like and be comfortable with one another before good sex can happen.
Hence the difference between love and like - relationship vs date. | |
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| How important is sex in a new relationship?
Posted: 7/8/2008 5:49:36 PM | I don't see what's wrong the tried and true sports method of flipping a coin.
But seriously, if you have to talk about it, it's not happening naturally, and if it's not happening naturally, it's just not very good. | |
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| How important is sex in a new relationship?
Posted: 7/8/2008 6:08:58 PM | Pia, I made this up the other day because it does seem to me that alot of men really just want sex regardless of what they say... I have since placed it on my profile... its good for a laugh too.. but honestly, if a man is talking about sex on the first or second date... its because he's hoping to get it... and if thats what the woman wants too.. then thats fine, but sometimes... its just so much better if you wait it out! Never compromise yourself and your values.
Call Waitin
To all you men out there
that are stumpin and pumpin
you need to check yo self
cuz you probably caught sumpin
If you say youre lookin
for a woman with class
dont expect her to go
giving up the as*
If you claim to be a gentlemen
then just be one
there is plenty of time
for the deed to get done
So go on now
put your light stick away
the force will be with you
on some other day
Oh if youre screen name
is a sexual term
dont be surprised when your
"wittle wee wee" gets a germ.
Its easy to pick up
a virus on the internet
so if you gonna be a dog
make sure to see the vet.
And that ridiculously tired old
line about "we all adult"
please put that thing
back into the vault
It always comes before
somethin you'll regret
impatience is a sign
you aint growd up yet
Men don't be afraid
to say what you feel
thats what we mean
when we say be real
You wouldn't come up
to me in a bar
and ask me what size
my b**bies are
The men that think
they know about us
think catching a woman
is like catchin a bus
Another comes by every
15th minute
but the real man
knows what it takes to get in it
So while youre out here
trying to spit your game
know we're laughin at ya
cuz that sh*t is lame
I aint on this site
to hook up with boys
cuz while you playin games
I'm rechargin my toys
If youre gonna brag
about things you got
to get that young
girl that's really hot
Then you cant complain
if she takes your money
thats like temptin pooh bear
with a big pot of honey
I've been there
and I know how it felt
and I aint about to make you
another notch in my belt
One more thing
I'd like to add
though some older dudes
might get mad
If I was really on here
just lookin for kicks
my search age
would be 18 to 26
So if youre just out for
a booty call
then dial the number
on the bathroom wall
I dont give a sh*t
if you think I'm hatin
cuz my line is busy
and I aint got call waitin
2008 Copyright Lisa M.Graves | |
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Gracep
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Joined: 4/16/2008
Msg: 94 | |
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| How important is sex in a new relationship?
Posted: 7/8/2008 6:17:47 PM | From a "mature" mans point of view,
If you have to have sex with a man just to get a second date, do yourself a favour and dump him, Men are supposed to get past the "must have" sex , no matter what, by the time they are in the 20s . Even then I would tell the guy if he NEEDS to have sex on the first date, go hire a hooker, you need to have respect in a relationship , if all he wants is sex , that is not showing you any respect, your better than that
Dump him | |
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| How important is sex in a new relationship?
Posted: 7/8/2008 10:08:23 PM | | sex isnt important on a first date but in the first couple months of a relationship it sure is. i couldnt be with someone who i didn't click with, if you don't want to sleep with someone...then dont | |
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| How important is sex in a new relationship?
Posted: 7/8/2008 10:12:21 PM | WELL PEOPLE HERE DONT HAVE CULTURE AND EXPECT U TO JUST GIVE DO IT NO MATTER WHAT WILL BE THE OUTCOME. BUT IF U HAVE MORE DENSE THAN THAT U SHOULD TAKE CARE OF YOUR BELIEVES AND NOT LET ANY ONE INVADE YOUR COMFORT ZONE. SEX IS NOT SAMOTHING THAT SHOULD BE TAKEN LITELY, THERE ARE THING THAT FOLLOW SUCH AS DISEASE'S AND PARENTHOOD.... SO THINK ABOUT THAT BEFORE U GIVE IN TO TEMPTATION.......: | |
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| How important is sex in a new relationship?
Posted: 7/8/2008 10:14:38 PM | | WELL PEOPLE HERE DONT HAVE CULTURE AND EXPECT U TO JUST GIVE DO IT NO MATTER WHAT WILL BE THE OUTCOME. BUT IF U HAVE MORE SENSE THAN THAT U SHOULD TAKE CARE OF YOUR BELIEVES AND NOT LET ANY ONE INVADE YOUR COMFORT ZONE. SEX IS NOT SAMOTHING THAT SHOULD BE TAKEN LITELY, THERE ARE THING THAT FOLLOW SUCH AS DISEASE'S AND PARENTHOOD.... SO THINK ABOUT THAT BEFORE U GIVE IN TO TEMPTATION.......: | |
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| How important is sex in a new relationship?
Posted: 7/8/2008 11:21:52 PM | Judybugno1 wrote:
How about your faith? Should that be an equation factor? I know I struggle with that, and have ended relationships because they wanted sex without marriage. The Bible from our Holy God says sex without marriage is a sin, He calls it adultry. What are peoples opinion on that when God's opinion apposes sex outside of the safe umberella of marriage?
I respect your beliefs and values, but for many of us Bible is only a collection of legends and stories, written collectively by various individuals of the past. They may have traditional values in the past, I don't dispute, that they don't. But the world is changing rapidly and so do our relationships. The traditional model of marriage is also changing because our level of consciousness is evolving. People no longer come/seek a relationship for marriage purposes and family continuation. Quite contrary it is about spiritual quest, we come together to learn and grow, marriage vows don't guarantee the survival of the union.
Many have questions seeking for answers within ourselves.
Sex before marriage? Having catholic upbringing myself, I recall church only encourages sex for procreation purposes, but not for recreation. Tantra Sex, Sacred Sex ... I don't recall any text in the Bible on this topic.
"Holy God says sex without mariage is a sin, He calls is adultry".....
What is sin? It is our error in thinking that something is bad. Oh yes, I remember as child lots of negative programming around the body and sex. Even masturbation was baaad, very bad indeed. As a six year old, I had to confess my sin, I have no idea what the priest was thinking. But what I know now, the guilt and fear was set to have a control over another being. It is all about that, but my body and all the needs and desires are not bad, my body is my temple. | |
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42 4 U
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Joined: 2/18/2008
Msg: 100 | |
| How important is sex in a new relationship?
Posted: 7/9/2008 12:11:46 AM | | For me, as long a we are enjoying the time we're spending together, and she is being honest and up front about her expectations, then it won't feel like either of us is being pressured.Its hard to say how the physical chemistry will work until you actually spend time together, and since everyone is different, its up to the two of us to decide how soon we want to have sex. But if it goes too long without, you run the risk of being lumped into the "friend" category. | |
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