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| Is dating during separation cheating?
Posted: 3/30/2008 1:31:43 PM | My husband and I had a seperation so that he could work on some issues. I couldn't force him to do what was neccissary to make a marriage work, so we agreed to be apart for 6 months. We also agreed to be monogamous. To use this time to work on OURSELVES not to fool around with other people.
He is a British citizen and I am American. He return to England.
He went on the internet. One week later flew to Canada stayed with a whore for 2 weeks and they sent me sexcapade pictures of their sex filled adventure. So, I think that we are married but taking time apart to fix things and he was using this time to hurt me.
It kinda sounds like your husband. He wasted no time to stick this in your face and hurt you. If you are seperated then you work on your marriage.
If you want to leave. Get a divorce Then fool around.
I noticed that you said that he still considers this a seperation and basically has no repentance. A man like that is a pice of shit!
Divorce the LOSER and PARTY | |
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| Is dating during separation cheating?
Posted: 3/30/2008 1:38:31 PM | I did date when I was separated, but after 20 years of marriage (ten of which were good) the emotional ties to the Ex were 100% severed. There was no chance of us EVER getting back together. So after 2 years of separate bdrms and 6 months of separate homes I went on a date. Big Deal. I did not feel a bit guilty, I was completely upfront with the man from the first minute of chatting and the divorce had progressed to simply waiting for papers in the mail.
Cheating to me is when you have every intention of going home to someone else afterwards. | |
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| Is dating during separation cheating?
Posted: 3/30/2008 2:01:02 PM | As long as the marriage is truly over, and you are just going through the formalities of closing the deal, no it is not cheating in my opinion.
I knew before I even moved out it was over. I had not seen this issue until I came to this site. So I guess if some consider me cheating by dating, wonder what they think of the soon to be ex who has a woman living in my house a month after meeting her? | |
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| Is dating during separation cheating?
Posted: 3/30/2008 2:15:10 PM | Cheating is just another euphemism for dishonesty. Was your husband lying about his affair before you seperated? Then he cheated. Your previous relationship has ended and if you are dating now, who are you being dishonest with? You may always carry some scars from this marriage. It doesn't mean you're unsuitable company for another man. It may mean you have to proceed cautiously in order not to hurt someone else. Cheating can also apply to dating. Eg: the brother who was used to make an ex jealous-doesn't matter if it's former spouse, boyfriend, or any other relationship, behaving that way is just plain wrong, dishonest and cheating.
Not only that but there are many man-made reasons that divorce doesn't happen immediately. Legal delays and games, financial hangups, children's best interest, health issues, etc, etc. And even divorced people can reconcile. Met someone here who's been legally divorced 5 yrs & still hung up on ex.
Bottom line- only U can decide if U R emotionally stable enough to consider another human beings feelings. The rest is all legal B.S. designed by lawyers. | |
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| Is dating during separation cheating?
Posted: 3/30/2008 2:27:56 PM | | yes he is still cheating by being involved still in an adulterous affair and it probably still hurts u now as much as the first time u found out.Being separated is not being in a state of divorce and in the law of marriage according to the one who u took ur vows in front of,God,then yes u r still married.Adultery is a ground for divorce and clearly according to what u have said he is most assuredly committing it so naming this other woman in a divorce preceding would be ur God given right and stating the reason for said divorce as being adultery.Also even legal separation is not exceptable for dating.If someone is going to take the time to get legally separated then they need to go a step further and get legally divorced in my opinion.Also what I have mentioned is written in Duetronmy,in the bible.Good luck. | |
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| Is dating during separation cheating?
Posted: 3/30/2008 2:28:27 PM | | I was in a very similiar situation such as yours. I did not consider my ex to be cheating when he dated after moving out. Idid consisder it cheating when he was living in the family home and was living like a married man. I did not date the first year, because I still felt married, regardless of what he felt, but that is just me. I gauged it more on emotion than legal distinction. If you choose to date now, it would not be cheating, imho. Good luck! | |
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| Is dating during separation cheating?
Posted: 3/30/2008 2:30:25 PM | If you are still married, you really aren't eligible to date.
it's okay to do things wi th others strictly as friends, but as far as dating, forget it. Use this time to get yourself together, find yourself, take on new interests, hang on to the old friends, and make new, and discover yourself.
before you start dating,, you need to grieve and diffuse from your soon to be former marriage. moving on can also mean taking care of yourself and dealing with the issues you may have during and after the divorce. | |
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| Is dating during separation cheating?
Posted: 3/30/2008 2:34:35 PM | | Since U brought the Bible up, can U explain Abraham, Sarah & the maid (was she Hagar?) to me. That business really confuses me. | |
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| Is dating during separation cheating?
Posted: 3/30/2008 2:38:55 PM | Tickle, yes he lied about it during our relationship. I knew in my gut what was going on, just needed the physical proof which I found. I actually think he knew I would find it sooner or later.
During the year I suspected I dealt with the fact he was cheating, but I did not deal with what I would do when I found the proof.
I am not going to give up on love because I had my heart broken. I am sure there are men that do not cheat and lie. Now I have to find one :) | |
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| Is dating during separation cheating?
Posted: 3/30/2008 4:07:23 PM |
*My husband of 11 years cheated on me with a co-worker.
*I believe he is still seeing the married other woman a bit.
*is it still cheating if he sees others besides her?
*he thinks not. He says because we are apart but not divorced it is ok for him to see
others and is not cheating.
It sounds as if he's defined what constitutes cheating and not cheating all by himself.
Don't worry yourself about it. It's not worth your time and effort. He is what he is. He's doing what he thinks is right for him. He's proved himself as being a husband who is a cheater. No more needs to be said.
Take care of yourself. You do what you know to be right. | |
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| Is dating during separation cheating?
Posted: 3/30/2008 4:53:28 PM | | I DO NOT BELIEVE ITS CHEATING IF YOU ARE ALREADY SEPERATED AND YOU BOTH AGREE TO IT! YES HES A CHEATING MAN! LET HIM GO!! | |
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| Is dating during separation cheating?
Posted: 3/30/2008 5:14:21 PM | No I don't think it's cheating.
There's no chance on you two reconciliating the relationship now is there?
You may still be married according to a piece of paper. However, you are not living as being married.
|Good luck with you! | |
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| Is dating during separation cheating?
Posted: 3/30/2008 5:36:28 PM | OP,
First thing, I'm very sorry that your husband would do something like that to you.
I guess my advice, for what it's worth is, What difference does it make now? Sure he's cheating.......but once he's cheated he's not going to stop just because he got caught.....especially since you are seperated.
On to you. You have every right to move on with your life. You aren't cheating if you date someone, you aren't cheating if you decide to become intimate with someone. The divorce is all just legal mumbo jumbo and paper work.
Live your life. Be happy. I hope things get easier for you.
best of luck,
flip | |
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| Is dating during separation cheating?
Posted: 3/30/2008 6:21:52 PM |
Since U brought the Bible up, can U explain Abraham, Sarah & the maid (was she Hagar?) to me. That business really confuses me.
Multiple wives were allowed at that time. It was a case of Sarah trying to give her husband a son by any means possible. But when Hagar had the son, Sarah turned her out. | |
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| Is dating during separation cheating?
Posted: 3/30/2008 6:44:13 PM | Sounds like you still have feelings for your spouse, even though he had left you for another woman. No one, else, is required to validate your feelings but you. You have to sort out your desires vs morality; it seems to be your struggle. It seems your husband has moved on; whether it is a good choice or not. You can only control your own actions. In my opinion, I believe you will need to evaluate your desires and then move on.
Divorce is a closure of a relationship; such as the institution of marriage. Usually, joint assets are divided and/or sold. And you did not mention children, so custody, visitation, and/or support needs to be set. The finalization of the marriage is difficult.
Dating now, after six months of separation, is not cheating in my book. Sex is not part of dating unless you allow it. You will need to set your boundaries. Perhaps one should seek counseling in dealing with this issue.
I hope this may assist you.
Respectfully,
Kyra | |
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| Is dating during separation cheating?
Posted: 3/30/2008 7:12:46 PM | I found all the previous discussion interesting. I would add that in the state where I live, Virginia, adultery is still grounds for divorce even if it occurs after separation. This is true up to the point that you and your husband execute a separation agreement that includes a statement that you are moving toward divorce. The agreement includes a mutual agreement to stay out of the other person's affairs and to pursue a "no fault" divorce. One perspective on this is legal and differs from state to state. I suggest talking to a competent attorney about this, since you will need one anyway for the divorce.
Assuming you understand your legal situation, then you need to carefully consider what is in your best interest. Lots of separated people date and lots of those daters have sex. Others don't. There are no rules so it is up to you to decide what you want to do and no one else can answer that question for you. If you are really not sure where you stand, discuss it with a counselor of some sort. Sure you do not want to cause yourself or anyone else pain during this period. If you decide to begin dating, I can assure you that you will get into a situation where one of you wants what the other does not, and that may cause a certain amount of grief. That is true no matter when you start dating, so my advice is to move in that direction only when you are comfortable with it. When you do start dating, take nothing for granted, set whatever boundaries are appropriate, and kick to the curb any man who doesn't respect them.
In my case I started dating soon after my separation but realized that the lady involved wanted to move quickly to a long-term relationship that I was not ready for. After that I did not date again until my legal separation was executed. I was more ready to move forward and met a very nice lady who was also legally separated and seemed ready to move into dating. It soon became clear that the shoe was now on the other foot. I was ready to move forward, she was not. In hindsight, the only thing I would do differently is that I would not have started dating so soon after my separation. It put me in legal jeopardy, it hurt another person's feelings and I regret it. | |
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| Is dating during separation cheating?
Posted: 3/30/2008 7:12:49 PM | | slady52--- Going by your words, I think it would probably be best if you follow your heart and instincts regarding whether dating is cheating or not while someone is still married. Ultimately, you are the one that will have to live with the decision that you have made, and I hope that you decide what is best for you and that you will be able to live with in the future. Good luck to you. | |
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| Is dating during separation cheating?
Posted: 3/30/2008 7:25:54 PM | No, I don't think it's cheating. If you we're trying to work it out (like a previous poster said) and it was going on then it would be cheating. If it's done it's done and it just comes down to the legal aspect of it now. You're a free woman just a matter of paper work for the rest of the crap. I'm in a similar boat. As soon as the rest of my financial business is concluded (thank God it's almost done) my paperwork is filed. Move on start making new friends. | |
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| Is dating during separation cheating?
Posted: 3/30/2008 9:30:39 PM | Ahhhhhhh....isn't that what he was doing during your marriage?
What do you want to do, hang him twice for the same crime? | |
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| Is dating during separation cheating?
Posted: 3/30/2008 10:25:04 PM | I never walk out the door of a relationship until I have tried every way I know to address the problems that are taking the enjoyment out of the relationship. But when I am beyond the door, I am divorced in my mind, heart and soul. The piece of paper from the court means nothing as compared to what I feel when I have given up... So no, I don't think seeing someone after the physical separation has happened is cheating.
The problem with dating immediately after a separation is that it really does take time to sort through what happened to the marriage and own the pieces we contributed to the failure of the marriage. It takes time to get rid of the "baggage" and to reinvent ourselves as a healthy single. People that run right out and start getting into new relationships as soon as the marriage door closes are generally not stopping even long enough to draw a breath, never mind to try to turn themselves into better people.
While I agree with you that cheating isn't just a sexual thing and it does in fact involve the alienation of affections and involvement two people had, when the separation has taken place, there is no more affection to be alienated and it's time for everybody to just move on.
Good luck to you... | |
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| Is dating during separation cheating?
Posted: 3/30/2008 10:39:10 PM | However, just because of the separation is it still cheating if he sees others besides her? he thinks not. He says because we are apart but not divorced it is ok for him to see others and is not cheating.
I feel that because we are still legally married it is. What do you all think?
...
It is not so much that I care what he is doing. It is more a moral question.
I don't see his seeing her -- or anyone else -- as "cheating," although I do believe his behavior is "adulterous."
I define "cheating" broadly as engaging in any sort of conduct which one knows -- or has reason to believe -- the other party in the relationship would disapprove of. I see it as "ethical" question. This could take the form of engaging in phone/cybersex with someone he/she never meets; meeting for private intimate moments, where no physical touching actually takes place; kissing; oral sex; actual coitus, etc.
Adultery, on the other hand, I see as a "moral" question, and define it loosely as "being married and engaging in sexual congress with someone not your spouse." That is, if one is married -- irrespective of whether s/he is separated or not or, if so, for how long -- sex with someone else is adultery.
In a traditional Western marriage, there is a presumption of exclusive monogamy. If, under these circumstances, one of the parties engages in sexual congress with another, s/he is "cheating." In an "open" marriage, however, where either or each party has "approval" to have sex with another/others, the same act (i.e., engaging in sexual congress with another) would NOT be considered "cheating," (think "peeking in a book during a test" vs. "peeking in a book during an 'open-book' test) although it would still constitute "adultery."
As posed in your OP, insomuch as he has moved out, you guys seem to have constructively "ended" your relationship, though the legal recognition of the same has not yet come to pass. As such, there IS no relationship and neither of you should hold any reasonable expectation of exclusive monogamy in the other, any more than you would in anyone else with whom you are not in a relationship.
So, the short answer is: Cheating? No. Adultery? Yes.  | |
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| Is dating during separation cheating?
Posted: 3/30/2008 10:42:06 PM | Some people will feel that dating while separated is cheating. Unless you are trying to save your marriage and have promised to work on the marriage, my belief is that it is not cheating. If you have committed to working together on the marriage, then the person that is dating is not true to their word.
Now this is different from the question " is dating while separated wise?" Too many people have unfinished business while going through a divorce. Many times people think they are ready to date only to go back and try to work on the marriage. This is why most people don't date separated persons. | |
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| Is dating during separation cheating?
Posted: 3/30/2008 10:53:57 PM | "CHEATING" is just a word that causes people to get angry and direct their focus everywhere but ON THE PROBLEM.
Just because your husband is out with other women after your separation, does it matter ?
Of course, through fallicy or maybe hopefullness, some couples do get back together.
And occassionally they stay together, both always feeling hurt. It isn't the way I wish to 'enjoy' my declining years.
ps: Cheating is the word that signifies the TRUST is gone. | |
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